03x15 - Jason Schwartzman & David Alan Grier

[bunniefuu]

Hey yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real. No BS.

Tonight on Crank Gankers. Drew Carey,

Tony Barbieri, Jim Florentine,

Alicia Kushell, Katie and Kevin Kimball.

Jim Florentine and Jeff Goldblum as

Ira Florenstein. I don't want to get

specific here, but who are the sluts of

the sorority?

Come one, come all 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers Come on, come

on You can say what you want And they'll

never know if you're deranged Oh,

whatBut it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers!

Hello. Hey, is this ?Hi, it's Drew Carey

calling from The Drew Carey Show. Yeah.

Hey, listen, I don't know if you know,

but my show's going off the air and I

wanted to throw a little party for

certain people on the crew, some agents

of mine. Sure. You know, try thinking of

having some strippers and a couple

friends of mine that work over at one of

the S&M clubs in New York. They put on a

donkey show. Yeah. I mean, I don't know

if you've done parties like this for

other celebrities and stuff. Oh,

absolutely. Yeah. So I kind of want to

more than, you know. Oh, really?Now, can

you set me up with a couple of of waiters

that are like kind of cool and won't be

blabbing and maybe a little on the good

looking side?It's for the ladies at the

party. I think that's the staff in

general. That'll be hot. That'll be

really hot. If we could get like chaps

and stuff for them, like costumes that

has like partial, like a partial thing,

like if it just shows their butt or I'm

sure that if it was all in good fun, it

would be fine. Believe it or not, one of

the girls on our crew, one of our PA S,

she's a virgin. We could set up a couple

of these waiter guys. Well, I'd love to

get that on tape. Let me ask, what can't

we do?You seem pretty. Anything that's

pretty much ill*gal, we can't do.

Seriously. It's a Drew Carey party. Hey,

listen, can the busboys wear banana sacks?

Absolutely. Now, are c*ck fights OK?Not,

you know, roosters. I don't think that's

such a good idea. Ever seen a girl

hanging from her n*pples man?Yeah, I've

pretty much seen pretty much everything.

Do you get hard when you talk to people

like this about like, it's unbelievable?

Let me send you a hypothetical. I screw

a horse. Is that cool?No, we don't do

that. Not like the old days. What if it's

a dead horse?Dead horse is not going to

smell too good. But if it's warm, I mean,

I don't know if you've ever had. I don't

think so. OK, we won't do that. But

golden showers, right?If I put, if I put

some on the floor, golden showers. I

don't think that's going to go over too

well in a hotel, even for a private

function. Chuck Berry's going to be

there, dude. I mean, it's a party.

It's not a Bible study, buddy. Dietrich's

going to be there. Mimi's going to be

there. Mimi's crazy, man. Man. We'll get

this thing going, man. OK. Sounds good.

See you. Nice talking to you. Bye. All

right. Take care.

This is 37. Is this the diaper

service?Yes. Who am I speaking to?

Miwa. Hello, Miwa. This is Niall

Standish calling. What can I do for you?

I'm looking to purchase a large amount of

soiled diapers, Miwa. For what?I don't

understand. I will take the

diapers and I will return them to you

cleaned. What do you do with her?

Do you have a cleaning business?Have you

ever heard of a mud bath?I heard about

the mud bath. Sort of the same principle.

What do you do with the diapers after

they're used?I wash them. Oh,

no, no, no, no, no

You wash out all that beautiful, sweet

excrement. Why would anyone want dirty

diapers?Uh, I believe the real question

is why wouldn't anyone want dirty diapers?

Are you in some kind of research?

Yes, yes, that's it. Research. I'm

researching dirty baby diapers. The

dirtier, the better. Now, how many

diapers would it take to fill a swimming

pool?So many.

So I need a lot of dirty diapers. Just a

lot of poop. Then you

give me back my diapers.

Yes, I extract the poop and then I give

you back the diapers. This is

really crazy. I just don't understand.

Don't tell me you've never looked at a

heap of soiled diapers and been greatly

aroused. Sir, I I

I'm sorry. I just don't understand.

Tell me about the difference in poops and

what you have there. Are there different

colors?Yes. YesLike what are some of the

colors of poop?Green.

Green. Yes.

Yellow. Yellow. Like a Curry. All right.

A brown. All the colors of the

fecal rainbow. I will need the

creamy separated from the chunky. Can you

do that?Yes, very

creamy. There's no chunks at all.

After they curl up, then it gets chunky.

Can you say creamy again?Creamy.

I'm sorry. Twice, please. Creamy.

And again. Creamy.

And chunky. Chunky.

I'm still not getting it. Twice in a row.

Chunky. Chunky. Now say

creamy, chunky. Creamy, chunky.

I'd like 12 creamy yellows,

two dozen of the green,

and let's go 1/2 a

bushel of the brown. No,

I'm going to get off a phone. Now let's

talk vomit. I'm going to get off a phone.

OK, listen, fine. I'll just get a couple

boxes of regular unsoiled diapers. Is

there anyone I can call to rent a baby?

Movies galore, can I help you?Hi, who's

this?Belinda. Hi,

Belinda. This is Ed.

Well, hi, Ed. So you got Air Bud?The

video?Yeah. I've got

Air Bud, yeah. Yay! I love Air

Bud. Yay! I want to come

down there and get it. OK. Um,

OKDo you have The Shining?We

do. I'm

scared. You know, can you can

you take it out of the store before I get

there?I sure

can. All work and no

blame makes Ed a dull boy.

Oh, laceps.

Laceps. Laceps. Laceps.

Laceps. Laceps.

Laceps. OK. Yay.

Yay. Yay. Yay.

Yay. Yay. Yay.

Yay, yay, yay.

All right, well, Ed, I've got some other

customers here that I really need to

help. Ed isn't here, mister.

OK. Ed isn't here,

mister. Ed isn't

here, mister. OK, I've got to go

now. Red rum.

That's what my mom drinks.

Hello, Eddie.

Come and yay with us, Eddie.

Forever and

ever and ever.

Good afternoon, Mattress Factory. This is

Jerry. Hi, Jerry. I am

calling because I have a couple questions

about my mattress. OK. I don't

know how to tell if it is not good enough

to sleep on anymore. OK. Does it

have any hills and valleys in

it?Yeah, it it's it does. It's

it's got like more craters than Courtney

Love's face. That'd be the one of the

better investments you could make to go

to a new one. OK, is part of your job to

make people sleepy enough to buy a

mattress?Well,

I can't make you that sleepy, but

Ultra 700, which is a 704

coil spring unit, a gently firm king

size. OK, yeah, there. I think there's a

coil sticking out of my spring and it

keeps. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. That's just a

big, stupid pubic hair. Do you think

my mattress is doing this because I sleep

with so many random guys at once?I don't

know. OK, 'cause I just started dating

this guy who makes, you know, those pile

drivers that pound pilings into the earth?

Yeah, yeah, he makes those look like a

woodpecker. Oh, good for you. He hits it

harder than Mike Tyson, if you know what

I mean. And he he bites just as much too.

And it's just I need a mattress that can

withstand that kind of angry,

violent t*rture. Sure. Come in

and and take a look. And we've got them

all out so they can you can take a lie

down test. OK. Can I take a lie down,

roll around, pound one out test?

Sure. Oh, excellent. OK. Are there any

mattresses that you have worked on that

you can highly recommend?For what you're

telling me, I would go to a

latex rubber or do you

park as slow as you talk?Well, I'm



still getting out the old pig?And,

you know, yeah, yeahGood for you,

Jerry. Are you married?Yeah. So she can,

she can take that kind of 71 year old

action. Oh, yeah. Are you more of a pile

driver or a woodpecker?Well, at this

point in my life, I'm. Slow and easy.

Slow and easy. See, that's what I'd like

for a couple of reasons. One, my mattress

could last longer than four years. All

right, well, maybe I'll come in there.

You and I can roll around a little bit.

You can pretend I'm your wife. I'll

pretend you're Otis, and we'll have a

good old time. OK. OKI look

forward to seeing you, Jerry. Bye, bye.

Bye.

Hello. Hi. My brother and I, we are

doing a school survey, and we would

like to ask you a question. Is that OK?OK

Just one. What would you rather eat?

Number one, liver, or

#2, a hamburger?

Hamburger. Which number?



I'd rather eat #2. You'd rather eat your

own poop?

Never mind.

At the knife in his pants.

My a*s look good in his

pants. My jeans. They

made you

scream on my assNorth Shore, this is

Kurt. Hi, Kurt. This is Bobby Fletcher.

What's up?Not much. I just want to know

if I need to come in and record

something. Yeah, we're we're kind of,

well, what do you have in mind to do?Let

me ask you something. Could you, can you

alter my voice and make it sound like a

robot or put an echo in it or something

like that?Yeah, we can do, you know, some

special effects. Yeah. Put put some. Just

make my voice sound like a robot. Like it

doesn't, you know, actually sound like my

real voice. Yeah. You know, so it'll

never know. So like a Halloween thing or

something. No, no, noSo it's going to go,

you know, something like this. Not

exactly, but pretty much if you ever want

to see your wife again. Put $10,000 in

a shoe box and leave it at the bus

station in the men's room. Just

something simple like that. I see.

That's cool. Yeah.

You think it is anything I should add to

that or anything?I don't know what the

what the bottom line purpose of the

recording is. Well, it's just a track I'm

marking on, you know, called the unmarked

bills. That's the working title right

now. Could you just re

just read it the way I did it and just

let me see how it sounds?Oh, OK. So

yeah, if you ever want to see your wife

again, deposit $50,000 in small

bills underneath the bell tower at

midnight. No, no, you're way off.

It's put 10,000 in a shoebox and leave it

at the bus station in the men's room. If

you ever want to see your wife again, put

$10,000 in a shoebox and leave it in the

men's room at the bus station. You got

it. I like that at the end. You got it. I

like that. That really hammers it home.

Perfect. So there's no way they could

trace this back to meet a CD or anything

like that, right?Everything's traceable.

The the weird thing is, you know, maybe

I'm just overthinking this too much, but

you know, what if some crook comes up to

us and this this is a real, a real life

kidnapping and they needed somebody to do

their ransom note and we've printed here

and off they go. And now we're involved.

Take a risk. It's going to be all cash.

What do you need, 500?No, it's

it's that. It's just kind. It's just kind

of the strangest request we've had.

Look, I got a lot of money coming in

soon. Don't worry, we'll take care of it.

You don't have any storage space or

anything like that for for bodies?

No, noWell, yeah, that's kind of strange.

And you're talking about a lot of money

coming in and I got to store some stuff

and they need this. You're not a

cop, are you?No. OK, cool.

Listen, I is it alright if I bring my

girlfriend with me?Originally she wasn't

coming, but I think now she is. I mean,

last time I left her alone, she cut the

ropes free, you knowSo I

mean, literally speaking, this is the

kidnap victim and you're

going to give her up for 10 grand at the

bus station. I mean, you don't know by

now what's going on. I'll just go bottom

line. I don't want anything to do with

it. All right, well, forget I said that

then. How's that?Can't unbreak

an egg. No, I know. But I really liked

your reading, though. It's a man who

knows how to take care of business.

Making me party to your crime?Well, not

necessarily. I just need you to do a

voice. That's it. This is going to be

fine if you stay cool.

Hello, this is Doctor Ira Firmstein. I'll

tell you why I call him here at the

university. I'm at the psych department.

The university is requiring me to

give these lectures. To all the

sororities.

Frankly, I guess This is why they've

compelled me to do this. Promiscuity has

become a problem as far as they're

concerned on campus. And the university

doesn't want you gals passing out your

flour to every guy you meet at a keg

party. You know, I guess that's their,

that's their view. So. So you're wanting

to come to the house and talk, is that?

Yes, very much. Very much an in-house

thing. You know, I've crafted my lecture

like most good drama, I guess, to mirror.

The sexual experience itself, you know,

it starts slowly, it builds in

intensity, you know, until for a few

moments it's it's downright painful, I

guess. And then at the end it just bursts

forth in a shower of pleasurable release.

Then minutes later I'm out the door and

you'll never hear from me again. But are

you, are you sexually active?Can I ask

you that?I prefer not to say that. Right.

I understand. I'm not really interested

in the specifics. It's a casual

thing. See, I work best. Hands on. You

know, that's why I'm they want to send me

around. I find it's effective. Yeah. No.

Well, I'm on the exec board and

I'll pass it on to our member educator.

Bless your heart as thoroughly as you

can. I realize you're not, you're not

girls. You're young, you know, supple,

delicious women. Do you have any

questions for me about sex?See, in my

lecture, it also comes out that a lot of

women feel that they need to lose weight,

you know, before men will like them.

Which is true. But what a lot of women

don't know is that they also need to have

better skin. So I I bring a lot out, a

lot of those facts out in the lecture.

OK. I find for the lecture or even

for these, you know, any kind of when

we're dealing with this material, a glass

of wine or, you know, or a Vicodin or

two. And it's just bliss. My lectures

have a focus on group stimulation. Yeah.

And you know, I when I finish this

lecture, really there's not a there's not

a flaccid nipple in the group, including

mine. Can I also tell you that my lecture

has helped open many young women's minds?

Yes, their legs as well. But the mind,

like the woman, must always come first.

Does that sound right to you?Yeah, I

don't want to get specific here, but who

are the sluts of the sorority?You know

what?I don't really think that that's any

of the business. Yeah, I'm not looking at

the whole. I'm not looking at the whole

roster in front of me. But I don't know

if you're familiar with the whole whole

group. Of course. Yeah.

Well, these things will come out in the

in the lecture, you know. And it usually

ends with a, you know, pillow fight or

something. OK, well, I'm going to lecture

the the panties off you girls. And I I

usually. Look, I really have to go. I I

have a class at 7. Yeah. God, you sound

just delicious. OK. Thank you.

Thank you. Yee-haw.

Doesn't my assLook

nice in his pants My a*s

look good in his

pants My

jeans, they

make you

scream My a*s looks

nice in his pants

Because of my a*s it

screams romance