03x18 - Wanda Sykes & Kevin Nealon

[bunniefuu]

Hey, yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real. No BS.

Tonight on Crank Yankers. Jim Florentine,

Charles Fleischer, Adam Carolla,

Jimmy Kimmel, Jim Florentine. Jimmy

Kimmel and Tracy Morgan at Spoon

Love. Nice to see you, man. I masturbate.

I masturbate watching me masturbate.

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers!

Thank you for calling the Chocolatier.

This is Audrey. Hi, Audrey. Is this the

Chocolate Factory?Yeah. Yeah, I

want to talk to Willy Wonka. You have the

wrong number there. What do you mean?It's

a Chocolate Factory, right?We don't have

Willy Wonka. Do you have Grandpa Joe?

No. Charlie Bucket?No. Veruca

Salt?No. Well, I got a golden

ticket and I love chocolate. Yay.

I want to be an Oompa Loompa now. OK.

Do you have a lot of chocolate there?

Yeah. You do. You have chocolate birds?

No. You have chocolate blankies?

No. How about chocolate pigs?

No. Chocolate shoes?No,

Sir. Chocolate spaghetti.

Sir, what is this card pertaining to?

Chocolate, stupid. We have

expensive chocolate, plastic chocolate.

Really?Yes, sir. My mommy has a chocolate

boyfriend. All right, thank you, sir.

Yeah, she also has a chocolate p*nis in

her closet.

Dum ba, lum ba, money

today. We want to raise it

up for a 1K. Dump

a, lump a money on me

Or we will m*rder your entire

family What's

the status?Yeah, Dennis, is this the lost

and found apartment?The security. They've

lost and found. Yes. How can I help you?

Yeah, I got a little some over there. I

got to come and pick up. You know, I'd

like to like to make sure it's there. I

can come in and pick it up. You know what

I'm saying?What is it?Look, let's not go

into particulars here, right?I got an

item over there. OK. Don't make me spell

it out. You're a smart guy. I got to come

in and pick it up. It was lost. You know

what I'm talking about?Sir, what are you

specifying?What is your point?What are

you getting at, Sir?Look. You don't read

between the lines of the proverbs. You

know what I mean?I don't know what you're

talking about. You're not recording this.

Are you recording this call?No, Sir. Just

want to make sure about that. Look. All

right, I'll tell you what I'm talking

about. I lost my blankie.

HuhDon't make me say it again, all right?

Come on. It's humiliating. I lost my

blankie. I can't sleep without it.

But my blankie's what I got. What color

is it?It had like a Bunny on the corner

of it. It's sort of blue. It's.

I need my blankie.

What?You got anything like that?No, Sir.

Nothing. Nothing, Sir. Oh, man. I'm so

sorry. Oh, man. This is so bad. What

should I do?I don't know what to do. I

don't know, Sir. Hey, heyWell, you know,

did you have a blankie when you was a kid?

No, I didn't, Sir. You know, I was. I was

an orphan. Sir. Listen, Sir. Yeah. It's

not here. It's not a lost or found. I'm

sorry. But right now I have other

incoming phone calls I have to get to,

Sir. You know the song Itsy Bitty Spider?

Yeah. Could you just sing the beginning

of that song?It relaxes me. Sir, right

now. I can't do that, Sir. Just quick for

me. Do me a favour, right?Come on. One

man. Could you hold on?You hear my phone

ringing?Could you hold on?Itsy Bitty

Spider. That's all I need. Itsy Bitty. I

have more. How can I help you?Is this the

same guy I was just talking to?My name is

Corporal Williams, Sir. How can I help

you?Do you know the song Itsy Bitty

Spider?Could you just sing the beginning

of that for me?Excuse me?You know that

song, Itsy Bitsy Spider?Just sing the 1st



Bitsy Spider to you?Yeah. I don't have

much of A singing voice, Sir. That's all

right. Yeah. I don't want to get crazy.

Don't just do this for me. Will you just

sing this song?You want me to sing the

Itsy Bitsy Spider ran up the water spout?

Yeah. And down came the rain and washed

the spider out. Let me tell you

something. You're one hell of a guy,

Corporal. I'm going to see that you'll be

made a Sergeant. Excuse me. I don't got

my blankie anymore. But I got a new

friend.

Danny speaking. Hi, my name's

Burcham. What's your name?Danny. Danny,

got a little bit of a situation here. You

guys do pest control. What

kind of a problem you having?It's my

wife. She's got ants.

Uh-huhShe's She's a lot of woman. She

takes up. Almost all g*dd*mn bedroom, to

tell you the truth, Danny. She's up lower

to 700 lbs, although they can't weigh

her. I would have to put

out monitor traps because they don't make

sprays. You can spray around when people

are occupying the room. She's a tough

cookie. She can take it.

Yeah, we'll put a respirator on her and

you can spray away. I don't think I could

go there. I don't see them getting off

the bed for the trap. Well, they will.

I've been doing this for a lot of years,

so I know what I'm talking about. Yeah.

Well, I've been sleeping next to this

BLOB for a lot of years, so I know what

I'm talking about. Yeah. Really.



right. I think that colonized her. So

that's why I'm saying I think the traps

around the room probably aren't going to

do it. No, they'll take it back to the

queen. If we could find the

queen, I think we could eliminate the

problem. Right. Oh, well, maybe you

should come by and we'll do a

little probing. Nothing inappropriate.

Not getting too close to the sticky trap.

OK, I'll lift up the fold. You

go in after the queen. OK.

Oh, you're laughing now, but you ain't

going to be laughing when you go in

there. Can't be that bad. Well, you know

what a room smells like when a person

hasn't left it in 11 years.

That's a*s on death, my friend.

Oh, I've been in the worst. Tell me what

was worse than this. Oh, my wife,

her brother passed away. They didn't find

him for like 3 weeks later at mobile home

at Scappu. So a lot of death and

name, Dan. I tell you what, I know what

it smells like. You know what I'm saying,

brother?Yeah, I do. Yeah,

lost a lot of good guys over there.

Espinoza, Johnson,

Rodgers, Hammerstein.

Calvin Hobbs. Simon

Garfunkel. Owens left them all

behind. Actually, Owens wanted to stay

behind. He opened a little grocery Mart.

Mary's got three kids. Doing pretty good.

Oh, good. Oh, wait a minute.

She's trying to move. Is she?Holy

Christ. You guys work with Possum?

OK, I got to make another call then.

Hello. Hi, how you doing?Is this for the

TV thing?TV show?Yes, it's the reality

shows we're casting for. Yeah, Yeah tell

me a little bit about this show. What's

the name of it?Wait, this is for

the. Is there any

girls on here or no?Yeah, there'll be

some girls. Yeah. Because you said it's a

g*y channel. I won't be with g*y people.

I mean, I'm like, you know. Right. No,

no, no, no, noThere's no g*y stuff at

all. This is not g*y stuff at all. It's

hosted by Carson from q*eer Eye is gonna

host the show. And there's nothing g*y at

all. I mean, it would be things like.

We'd shave your body entirely, right?

And then we'd put you in a room with a

bunch of men who would touch you. What?

Yes. Can you say that again?I'm. I'm

pretending I didn't hear what I thought I

heard. OK, say that last one now. I said

what you do is you and a bunch of men

teach people how to shave. Even though

it's on the g*y channel, it's not a g*y

thing. For instance, we'd

fill a man's pants with cottage cheese

and you would pour cinnamon on it and

have to eat your way to the man. Oh my

God, there has to be a man. But it can be

a girl. It could be a girl as long as she

has a p*nis. OK, the the stuff that you

just said is like, really, like, making

me sick. OK, so I think another one. This

one's called Bear Hunt. OK. And

what you would do is you'd find the

hairiest guy you could find and you'd

eat honey off of him. So it can't be a

girl, though. Can't be a girl. It could

be a possibly. It could be a girl. If you

could find a big hairy girl with a p*nis.

So why don't you say that?Why don't you

say you're a girl then?Well, you know,

these are just some of the things. It's

not all of the things. All right. We do

have one called Pubic Hair Across

America, where you would actually

shave yourself and carry a handful of

hair across the country like Forrest

Gump. Oh my God. Now

why would I like that, though?I don't

understand. I don't know, you called me.

Right, I called you, but the ad here

doesn't say anything about g*y going on.

Do you like chocolate?Yeah. We've got

a game called Fudge Factory. Okay.

Where you would pack fudge into

men as they pass by on a conveyor belt.

Now I have a very interesting question.

How come it can't be with a group of

girls?That's a good question. OK. Maybe

you should take it up with your God.

Really?I think you'd be perfect for Sack

Attack. And how's that game?Men pummel

your head with their testicles. Is there

anything wrong with girls or no?Give me

your address. Why don't I give you my

address?I need your address. We're gonna

come get you. 685 Broadly.

Wait, what?What do you mean we're going

to come get you?What do you mean by that?

To take you?To take you away to our

island. And what do they have?A bus

or something?What?Tell me. We don't have

a bus. No, we have a station wagon and we

will strap you to a board and we will

take you to the island. Why do you have

to strap me off for?I don't get it. We

just like to. I'm going to go k*ll

myself now, but our producers will see

you on Tuesday morning. Be packed. Be

ready. All right. I'll see you in hell,

mother . See you in hell too, mother .

Goodbye. Bye. Get up

on that float and show your p*nis to the

world.

Who the was gonna ask you?Hi, I eat at

your store 3-4 times a week at your place

and recently I failed the company drug

test. So you guys putting something in

the pasta sauce?What do you mean

something?You know, like weed or coke or

something like that. Weed or coconut

pasta sauce?No, no, no, noMy friend,

you're very wrong with that. Maybe you're

not watching the guys in the back, but as

soon as I finish my spaghetti, I already

want more. You know, which is weird

because the food usually is horrible. The

food was horrible. Yeah, it tasted like

pot. I don't know what you're just

saying. I don't know. We never heard

that. I don't know who's doing it in the

back. I'm just saying the stuff's good.

I'd like to get a dish if I could combine

and pick it up. I got some friends coming

over. Nobody use drugs here. Look, I

know. I know you got to say that over the

phone, but can you just get me a plate of

pasta to go combine and pick it up?

You must been drunk. Just hook me up with

some spaghetti with marijuana sauce. You

crazy. I'm not crazy. The ziti's not the

only thing that was baked. OK?I am busy

right now. OK, so you broke my heart,

Fredo.

Is this the news?Yes. Who's in

charge of the helicopter over there?That

would be our news director. Your news

director's a prevert. OK. Is

there anything I can help you with, Sir?

That helicopter keeps flying over my

house. I know they're watching me.

Who?I know they're watching me. Who's

they?Whoever's in that

helicopter?Uh, we've got much better

things to do than that. And then why

don't you people quit flying over my

house and looking in my windows?

You're crazy. What are you

talking about?I'm crazy. I'm



when I see one. Our helicopters-- we're

not looking in your window, sir. My

brother Charlie invented the helicopter.

I don't-- your brother Charlie invented

the helicopter. My brother

Charlie was on the original team

that invented what they called in those

days the Whirlybird.

That's what they called a helicopter.

when he invented it. That's great. And

never in his life could he

ever imagine that that

invention would be used

to spry on his own brother's genitals.

That's great. Um, I'm glad that

you think you know what you're talking

about. Who is it?What's your

name?My name?

How'd you like it if I came by your house

And started looking in your windows. You

do that and I'll call the police. That's

what I'm talking to you people about.

Stop screaming. You're going to have a

heart attack or something. I'm going to

have a heart attack. Luckily, the news

will be right on the scene if I do.

Great. I'm going to get up on my roof.

I'm going to throw rocks at your

helicopter the next time it comes down

here. Good luck with that. I'll teach

this guy a lesson. My brother Charlie

didn't invent the helicopter. So you can

look in on my Ding-dong. You know what

I'm saying?That's great. He invented it

for transportation. Yeah, I... So

that people could go from one place to

another, and then from another place

to another. Not so they can look into

my privates. Is there anything else you

got going on today, Sir?'Cause I'm about



this?My name's . I want to make a

complaint. About your helicopter?Well,

call during the week. Who do I call?You

call the front desk and tell 'em what

you're looking for and they'll help you

out. What programs you people got on

tonight?I don't know what's on tonight.

You'll just have to tune in and see. And

I got other things I need to do, so you

have a good day. I want you to tell that

preemer in the helicopter I see what he's

doing rubbing himself. Yeah, dirty.

Yeah, what's up?My name is Spoon love

from up above. I'm trying to sell some

videos of myself masturbatingNah. Yeah,

we don't. I'm telling you, these videos

is hot. Yeah, they are hot. I

masturbate. I masturbate watching me

masturbate. Oh, I'll be pulling on it,

you know?Yeah, Nah, we don't do that like

that. It's cause I I grip it up. I know

when to slow down and speed up. These

some hot videos, baby. This

so big I got to use wide angle lens.

I use a wide angle lens cause I beat on

it. I fill up a cup.

I dress it up in costumes and everything.

Oh yeah, you got to get girls. I got to

get it. I got enough meat for two

sandwiches. Hey, you heard. So why don't

you?Why don't you get the girls in there?

I'm trying to sell them to you.

Masturbating me. MasturbatingIf you

get the girls in there, then we can do

it. I sometimes I get the girls in there

with them big old tittiesBut

they just sit. They just sitting there

watching me beating it hard.

I beat hard. Yeah, you can beat hard all

you want, but you got to have the girls.

I ain't no girl to beat off. Listen, I'm

trying to get you. Listen, I'm

trying to get you in on the ground level.

Yo, hey, do it for America. Oh yeah, you

think so?Get the people what they want.

Tapes of spoonie beating off. That's raw.



they they want you girls. They don't want

you guy jerking. Hey, what's your name

again?What's your name again?George.

George. Guess what?What's up?I got a

tattoo on my dunk that says your

a*s or bus. Oh,

yeah. Whoa, I'm rubbing on his name.

That's great. I got one tape where it's a

three-way, right?It's me, my p*nis and

my fist. You need a girl. Get it

up, get a girl, and then we'll sell the

tapes. My p*nis has fake titsOther than

that, I got to get the. George,

George, let me ask you something. What's

up?George, all my films have girls,

but my thing is so big you can't see

them. You stay out of picture. All

you see is black sometimes.

And it stink, too. All right,

let me get off the phone. You don't want

to see a tape of me beating off?No, what

the f*ck do I want to see?Because they

sell. No, they don't. Like hotcakes. You

wanna do the director's commentary with

me on one of my tapes?All right, later,

brother.

Yee-haw!