04x09 - Samson's Mail Fraud/Haunted Coffee Table

[bunniefuu]

Attention, campers.

It's time for camp lazlo.

♪ There were two scouts who

Made a friend ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ L ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Z-l-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ And then that trio went to

Camp ♪

♪ And turned it upside down-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

Chip: l-a-z-l-o.

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ Yo-de-lay-ee ♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Lazlo: come on, samson!

Could you open up so we could

Get our mail, please?

All right!

I'm doing a little paperwork

Here!

Alacaza!

Alazoof!

Alakazeem!

Paper, go poof!

Ta-da!

Edward: come on, we know

You're practicing your lame

Magic tricks in there.

Open up!

Oh, presto.

I'm sureyou know about the

Lonely life of a magician.

[ Pounding on door ]

All right, all right.

It's just a little...

Mail.

[ All cheering ]

[ Groans ]

Edward: hey, samson, what

Were you doing?

Making your mail disappear?

'Cause your mailbox was empty!

[ Laughs ]

Empty?

[ Echoing ] hello?

Edward: it's so dark and

Meaningless in there.

Wait a minute. I see something.

It's way in the back.

I got it.

I got...

I got...

Nothing!

[ Laughter ]

What's the matter, samson?

Don't you have any friends?

Chip: hey, samson, can I use

Your mailbox?

'Cause I have lots of friends,

And you don't, so --

Excuse me.

Icould have friends.

It's just us magicians need our

Space.

Edward: sammy boy, I got news

For you.

Presto the amazinghas friends.

And you know what?

What?

Edward: they're not worthless

Rejects like you!

[ Laughs ]

Skip: presto is famous.

Why don't you make some

Friends magically appear?

[ Laughter ]

Oh, yeah?!

I'll show them.

[ Glass shatters ]

"To my best friend samson."

Signed -- presto the amazing."

Blech!

[ Singsong voice ] oh, edward.

Would you like to check my box

Again?

Edward: what for?

There's nothing in it.

Oh, I just thought you'd like

To, you know, humiliate me

Again.

Edward: sure. I'd love to.

What's this?

An envelope addressed to samson?

It's just junk mail, I bet.

Lazlo: where's it from,

Samson?

It's from hocus-pocus,

Wisconsin!

Here.

You read it, lazlo.

Lazlo: "to my best friend

Samson.

Presto the amazing."

You mean that presto actually

Signed this to you?

Oh, he signs stuff to me all

The time.

I got a whole stack of them.

Lazlo: so you know

Presto the amazing?

Sure.

We're bosom buddies.

Magicbosom buddies.

Edward: give me that!

Something's not kosher.

Oh, it's kosher, all right.

You're just jealous because you

Didn't get a letter today.

[ Laughter ]

Raj: presto is famous!

Skip: he's samson's best

Friend!

Believe it, edward!

Presto and I are buds!

Edward: I'm gonna need better

Proof than a lousy signed

Poster.

Oh, brother.

Well, good morning, edward.

You've got mail.

Who's it from?

Edward: presto the amazing.

Yeah, right.

Read it!

Edward: "dear edward, samson

Tells me you don't believe I'm

His friend.

Believe it."

Signed?

Edward: signed

"Presto the amazing."

How do I know that this letter

Is really from...

[ Cheers ]

Presto the amazing sent me a

Letter!

Presto wrote to me!

That's right, edward.

And you thought I never got any

Mail.

Ha!

Lazlo: samson, why didn't you

Tell us?

Tell you what?

Lazlo: that presto's coming

To visit us!

Raj: you are such a card!

Clam: trickster.

P-presto's coming to

C-camp kidney?

Lazlo: he'll be performing

His act in prickly pines!

These fliers that blew into camp

Say so.

"Presto the amazing and his

Sidekick mr. Buns performing

One night only."

Lazlo: you were gonna

Surprise us, weren't you?

Clam: presto at camp kidney!

Raj: surely he planned to

Visit his best friend!

Did somebody say presto's

Performing at camp kidney?

No, wait!

I-i --

Clam: king of camp kidney!

[ All cheering ]

Edward: presto's coming to

Camp kidney!

Presto's coming to camp kidney!

Lazlo: hey, samson dropped

His mail.

Huh. That's funny.

None of these letters from

Presto have postmarks on them.

Huh.

[ Sobbing ]

What am I gonna do?

[ Creak! ]

Presto in prickly pines.

What are the odds of that

Happening?

Here goes nothing.

Wait a minute.

I can't just walk in and ask him

To come to camp kidney with me.

He'll just think I'm some sort

Of crazed fan.

I could show him all those

Letters he wrote to me -- his

Best friend.

Iwrote those letters.

Oh...

[ Sniffles ]

[ Honk! ]

[ Gasps ]

My flash paper!

I'll impress him so much with my

Pyrotechnic prestidigitation

That I'll have to hold him back

To keep him from coming with me!

Yeah!

What?!

Who in the houdini is it?!

Uh, it's samson clogmeyer.

I'm a -- I'm a big fan of

Presto.

Oh, yeah?!

So what do you want?!

I-i just came to perform

A-a trick for him, so maybe

He could come...

Come back with you to perform

For your friends?!

What is it with you kids always

Asking that?!

Mr. Buns?

I can't believe it!

You look a lot shorter --

All right, hair ball, that's

Enough!

Let's see what you got.

Y-you mean right n--

I haven't got all night!

[ Laughs nervously ]

O-okay.

Uh, see?

A-an ordinary piece of paper,

And alakazeem!

Pathetic.

Presto doesn't do special shows

For anyone!

[ Sobbing ]

[ Honk! ]

[ Sheep bleats ]

Now what am I gonna do?

All right, all right, that's

Enough!

Sheesh!

I can't stand to see a little

Girl cry.

I-i'm a boy.

Hey, I know how you feel,

Little girl.

Trying to impress his highness

In there ain't easy, and I

Should know.

Besides, he ain't so magical,

Little girl.

[ Sniffles ]

Boy.

>>I could pull off a trick for

Your friends better than presto.

Yeah!

I'll do some tricks for your

Friends and just tell them I'm

Presto.

Do you know how many people come

Up to me every day and tell me

That I am the spitting image of

The man?

Well, i-i guess it could

Work.

Of course it'll work!

Come on, little girl!

We got a magic show to put on!

Um, boy.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Edward: all right, everyone!

It's now the moment you've all

Been waiting for, the moment

I'vebeen waiting for.

Here he is -- the amazing

Presto!

[ All cheering ]

Ta-da!

Welcome, fans!

All: ooh.

Music, maestro.

[ Record scratches ]

[ Mysterious music plays ]

For my first trick, the

Mind-boggler of the ages -- the

Chinese linking rings.

[ Audience oohs ]

Observe -- five separate

Rings.

And...

They're connected!

Kind of.

Ta-da!

Edward: presto?

I said "ta-da!"

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay, now hold on to your seats,

'Cause this one is a scream --

Sawing a volunteer in half!

May I have a volunteer?

Pick me!

Pick me!

Yeah, you there, with the

Neck.

Thank you, thank you!

Observe.

An ordinary box...

And an ordinary saw.

[ Audience gasps ]

And....

Ow!

Ta-da!

I said "ta-da!"

I don't think that's presto.

[ Audience murmuring ]

Fine!

You don't think that's magic?!

All right, I'll give you magic!

Observe!

An ordinary piece of paper!

Alakazeem!

Edward: you're not presto!

Presto, presto, presto --

That's all I ever hear!

What is so great about presto?!

Edward: that's mr. Buns!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Thanks for the laughs, kid.

Good luck with the unruly mob.

Samson, what are you trying

To pull?

[ All shouting ]

Edward: you know what I

Think?

I think that samson doesn't even

Knowpresto!

All: what?!

[ Laughs nervously ]

N-now -- now, wait a minute.

W-wait just a --

[ Horn honks ]

[ Tires screech ]

[ Brakes squeal ]

Oh.

My best friend samson.

It's been a long time, hasn't

It?

P-presto?

I just finished my show in

Town and thought I'd drop by.

Aren't you going to introduce me

To your friends?

Together: hi, presto!

Well, samson, my best friend,

I must be leaving now, but

Before I do, I want you to know,

Little girl, that inside, we are

Allmagic.

Edward: wow, samson!

Presto really is your best

Friend!

Driver, to the airport.

Lazlo: alakazeem, sir!

Raj: that's much better!

Slinkman: indeed.

What?

Oh, all right, I'll change.

Attention, campers.

It's time for camp lazlo.

♪ There were two scouts who

Made a friend ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ L ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Z-l-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ And then that trio went to

Camp ♪

♪ And turned it upside down-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

Chip: l-a-z-l-o.

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ Yo-de-lay-ee ♪

[ Howling ]

Lazlo: to this day, the nose

Thief prowls the night, looking

For his next victim.

Behind you!

Both: aaaah!

Slinkman: all right, campers.

That looks like enough

Excitement for tonight.

Time for bed, everyone.

[ All groan ]

Raj: but I was waiting all

Night to tellmy story.

Clam: raj's story!

Both: one more story!

Lazlo: please, mr. Slinkman?

Slinkman: well, I guess

You've twisted my arms.

Raj: legend has it, years ago

On a cold, rainy night, in the

Village of issa spinkle spankle,

As the moonlight shone down and

The wind rustled through the

Trees...

...into the room, a scene of

Unimaginable terror lay before

Them.

And at that moment, he knew it

Was the coffee table that was

Haunted!

It was the coffee table that was

Haunted!

Uh...

Coffee table?

Wow. That was pretty feeble.

Yeah.

What kind of blockhead would be

Scared of coffee tables?

Slinkman: aaah!

How could I be so stupid?

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

Huh.

Haunted coffee tables, indeed.

[ Giggling ]

Do you mind?

Slinkman: aaah!

[ Breathing heavily ]

Aah!

Haunted c-coffee table!

Raj.

Raj, wake up.

[ Grunting ]

[ Air horn blows ]

Slinkman: are you awake?

Raj: I hope not.

Slinkman: oh, thank goodness.

I need your help to get rid of

It.

Coffee table.

Raj: I'm just gonna stare at

You blankly.

Slinkman: can't you see?

It's the haunted coffee table

From your story!

Raj: um...

Yeah, I made that up.

Hmm.

But I do see a problem with

Your coffee table.

Slinkman: y-you do?

Raj: it's breaking the flow

Of the room.

Slinkman: it's breaking what?

Raj: the room -- the flow of

The room.

To put it simply, the table must

Be moved.

Observe.

You see? Isn't that better?

Slinkman: so it wasn't

Haunted?

It was just in the wrong place?

Raj: yes, indeed.

Tell me, is your wardrobe

Haunted, too?

Because it clearly needs to be

Relocated.

Slinkman: uh, okay, I guess

We could move that, as well.

The room looks perfect.

Raj: [ laughs ]

Just wait until we get those

Velvet drapes tomorrow!

Slinkman: I know!

I can't wait!

Raj: good night,

Mr. Slinkman.

Slinkman: good night, raj.

[ Ticking ]

[ Crash ]

Yeow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

What idiot put this in front of

The door?

[ Click ]

Raj: idiot?

Excuse me, mr. Psycho slug!

I just put it there tonight!

You said you loved it there

Earlier.

Slinkman: oh, i-i did?

Well, uh, I suppose it works in

Terms of aesthetics, but for

Practical purposes, it's just

Not that convenient, raj.

Raj: w-what?

Slinkman: oh, what?

What is it?

W-wait -- you're crying now

Because I yelled?

Raj: no.

I am crying because...

You have no taste.

[ Sobs ]

Slinkman: well, perhaps my

Furniture isn't the only thing

That needs rearranging.

Perhaps our friendship should

Also be rearranged!

Raj: [ gasps ]

Well, perhaps I should just

Leave, then!

Slinkman: perhaps you should.

Raj: oh, and by the way,

Before I forget, your coffee

Tableis haunted!

Slinkman: pshaw.

I don't believe that stupid

Story for a second.

[ Rattling ]

Haunted coffee table!

Both: aaah!

Raj: what do we do?

Slinkman: what do the

Characters in your story do?

Raj: they all died!

Slinkman: wait!

I've heard other stories where

The people tried to talk to the

Spirits.

We got to discover why this

Coffee table's not at rest.

All right, now let us lay our

Hands on the table.

Coffee table, coffee table, why

Are you not at rest?

Raj: forced to walk to earth

A demonic fiend, tragic and

Wretched!

Slinkman: raj!

That's not helping.

Raj: oh.

Slinkman: speak to us, coffee

Table.

Give us a sign.

[ Gasps ]

Look -- it left a sign!

Raj: no, you left a grease

Stain from your face.

Slinkman: I don't understand.

Why is it unhappy?

Raj: well, it is pretty

Dirty.

Slinkman: that's it!

It needs dusting!

Raj: there.

That's much better.

Slinkman: indeed.

What?

Oh, all right, I'll change.

Raj: mr. Slinkman?

What happens to dust after it's

Dusted?

Slinkman: why?

Both: "chop"?

Slinkman: aaaah!

Raj: aah!

Lumpus: pipe down in there!

It's a little late for

Explosions!

Raj: this may sound crazy,

But I am beginning to feel sorry

For coffee table.

When he was alive, people put

Hot cups of coffee on him.

Where was the love?

Slinkman: therewas no love.

Do you think it's too late to

Give him a hug?

Raj: bean scout hug!

Slinkman: bean scout hug!

[ Growling ]

Raj: I don't think he likes

Hugs!

Slinkman: cuddle it, scout!

Cuddle it!

Raj: there it goes again!

Slinkman: that's my closet.

[ Door creaks ]

Raj: what is it?

Slinkman: jinkies.

It's a saw and sawdust, but it's

Not mine.

[ Growling ]

Raj: look!

By coffee table's leg -- it's

Sawdust!

Get it?

Somebody chopped its legs down!

Slinkman: and it won't rest

Until the culprit is brought to

Justice!

Raj: but who would do such a

Terrible thing?

Who?

Lumpus: quiet down, you two!

Don't make me come over there

And sawyour legs off!

Both: lumpus!

[ Growling ]

Raj: but why?

Why, coffee table?

Why?

[ Echoing ] why?

Lumpus: ah.

A bowl of meatball soup and my

Favorite show.

Oh!

This table's legs are too short!

It's impossible to lift a

Meatball that high!

Wait a minute.

Slinkman's got a table with long

Legs.

There.

Perfect meatball height.

Raj: we've got to help our

Table buddy here get his legs

Back from lumpus.

Lumpus: [ snoring ]

Hey! What goes on?!

Slinkman: lu-mpus...

Lumpus: aah!

W-who is it? Who's there?

Slinkman: it's me, the table

Whose legs you sawed down.

Lumpus: what do you want?

Slinkman: I want my legs

Back, or else!

Lumpus: h-here are your legs!

Please don't k*ll me!

Slinkman: you made the right

Choice.

Lumpus: huh?

Hey, wait a minute.

Something looks awful sluggy

Here.

Ghost table, huh?

Slinkman: yup.

Well, got to go.

Ow!

Lumpus: not so fast!

Slinkman: didn't your mother

Tell you not to put your feet on

Coffee tables?

Lumpus: but you weren't a

Coffee table until I made you

One!

Raj: please don't k*ll us!

Lumpus: well, I can't k*ll

What's already dead...

But ican chop you into

Firewood!

[ Both screaming ]

Lumpus: slinkman, what is the

Meaning of this?!

[ Growling ]

Raj: table buddy?

Ooh!

Slinkman: aah!

Raj: open it!

Slinkman: it's locked!

Lumpus: you want your legs

Back?

Well, you won't get them!

I chopped your legs in half, and

I can finish the job!

No.

No!

Put that down!

[ Chain saw revs ]

I'm sorry!

No! No!

Aaah!

Raj: isn't it great about

Table buddy getting his legs

Back, mr. Slinkman?

Slinkman: oh, it sure is.

And he makes a swell ping-pong

Table.

Raj: how's your game going,

Lazlo?

Lazlo: not so hot, raj.

Clam and I got stuck with a

Crummy table.

Clam: bad table!

Raj: that's much better!

Slinkman: indeed.

What?

Oh, all right, I'll change.