02x05 - Fred Armisen & Kevin Nealon

[bunniefuu]

ohh But it doesn't

really matter 'Cause

we'll all be doubled over with laughter

At the expense of others, maybe even your

mother Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers!

Hello. HelloIs this the portrait

studio?Yes, it is. With whom am I

speaking?The owner,

photographer, bookkeeper.

And does that janitor. Maintenance man.

And does that lovely Jack of all trades

have a name?Yes, it does. How may I

help you?Can I have the name?

Hello. This is Niles Standish calling.

I do not believe I know you. Well, you

don't, but you're soon going to. I

am looking to have some portrait work

done. Yes. How can I help you?All right.

I had a few questions. Firstly, your

rate 4295 for a

session. Will you do me a favour?Yes.

Will you take that 4295 and double it?

No, I have my prices set and I stick to

them. No, no, no, not with me. You don't.

I'm going to give you at least two times

whatever you charge. You can leave the

money there. You don't have to take it,

but I will be giving it to you. OK,

continue. I am listening. All right.

Here's a few of the specifics I'm looking

to to have. It will be a portrait of

myself, Niles Standish, Earl of

Yankerville. Very regal. I want to be out

on the grounds of my estate. I want some

lovely portrait done. And of course I'll

be in the nude. You don't have a problem

with the human figure

myself. I do not do nudes. It's personal.

Well, I I I believed you're an

artist. I do not do nudes.

Michelangelo did nudes. That is fine.

This is something personal to me, and I

do not do nudes. Rodin did nudes.

I must repeat myself, I do not

do nudes. Rubens did nudes

and Paul Rubens did nudes. Well,

does not do nudes. Let me just explain to

you, and then perhaps you'll see that

it's purely artistry, nothing at all

untoward. All right, I will

be reclining. On a set of three

Irishmen arranged as a living love seat.

And let me just tell you what I'm hoping

for. I'm hoping to capture the moment

of sweet, transcendent, pained bliss

of self-induced orgasm.

Sir, I believe I will pass on that.

There are other photographers available.

I don't know art. I don't know art, but I

know what I like. I like you.

Sir, you will have to excuse me. I have

another phone call. Just quickly,

quickly. I will. Excuse me. I do have the

answer to the other line. May I ask you

one simple, simple question?Can you make

my schvancy look huge like a Bushman's?

I'll pay by the yard. Yes. Yes

b*stard

Hello. Damn it. Hello. Who's this?

Who's this?Ed, I have a joke for

you. Knock, knock. Well, who's

Ed now?No, you're supposed to

say who's there?Knock, knock. Well,

who is over there?

I got you, lady. That's a good one, isn't

it?OK, let's do another one. Knock,

knock. Lady. Who are you talking about,

old lady?Yeah. What kind of a

lady's voice you think you're hearing?Uh,

yeah, you sound like my mommy. Knock,

knock. Knock, knock.

Come on, boy. Let's get busy here.

Knock, knock. Who's there then?

That's good. Yeah, I got you. Knock,

knock. Goofball. Stop being a

goofball. I don't like knock knock

jokes. No. All right, then I'll tell you

another one then. Lady?Quit

calling me a lady. You sound pretty,

lady. Are you pretty?If I

knew who was calling here, I'd sure--

Knock, knock! Who's there?

I got you, yay! I got you, that's a

good one, isn't it?Say, who's laughing,

not me. Knock, knock!

Man, you're getting on my nerves, I'll

tell you for sure. Lady, you don't sound

like you're in a good mood. Do you have a

baby coming or something?Who are you

trying to embarrass anyway?

Talking about a baby coming and talking

to a man. Yeah. What's the matter with

you, goop ball?You're a knucklehead.

Well, you're a goop ball. And you're a

knucklehead. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm a

knucklehead. Are you lonely like

me?No, I'm not lonely. I'm a

married man. OK. Do you

ever play with your vag*na?

Hey. What?Where are you coming

from here?Uh, I come from my house.

Sound me like you're a loaf of bread.

Bread makes me poop. I gotta go poop,

lady.

Civic City Builder Supply. Hello. Please,

Please don't be mean to me, OK?Don't be

mean to me. Don't be r*cist with me. What

is your name?Who am I talking to?I'm Chip

Douglas. I'm here. I just moved here. I

want to build a house. OK. What is your

name?My name is Carol. Carol. Hola. How

are you?I'm good. Yes, I am a gentleman.

OK. I am a gentleman. So

anyway, I'm making a house and I have a

the foundation. And now what do I do?

What?Are you looking to buy material?No,

I need help. Well, I suggest you get a

hold of the contractor. OK. Are you the

contractor?No, we're a building supply.

Oh, you're making building. Please. We

should buy the material. OK. Do you have

one for me?I need a material list. OK,

this is what I have. I have nails. I have

a switchblade. I have an oven. Uh,

paint. And a hairnet. What do you have

for me to make a house?We have the

lumber. Ah You have

lumber! That is so good. In the United

States, they have lumber. And you better

believe it's good lumber. Because where I

come from, they don't have lumber. Well,

I suggest you fax something over to us. I

am not fat. I'm normal, okay?

Anyway, I have a house. Could you please

come to help me make it?That's not what

we do. You need to get a hold of

contract. Well, we could do it. We could

do it. We could do it together and we do

it. Tomorrow afternoon is better for me

because the next day I have to wake up at

like 5:00 AM. So let's do

Thursday. I'm not going to be able to

help you. If you want to get a hold of a

contractor, they'll be able to help you.

OK. And then let's do it tomorrow. Let's

get a hold of a contractor. No, that's

not up to me to do. That's up to you to

do. Ohh Because you don't like. And you

can go to a phone book and or I can give

you the name of a contractor and you can

call them. Because you don't like me.

Actually, I don't have time. I don't

either.

Hello. Yeah, Mike, please. Yeah. Hey,

Mike, how you doing?Fine. Good.

Yeah, I'm calling about a little accident

happened near the Pyramid Mall last week.

Got a 1989 Toyota Camry.

Yeah. What happened?Well, you know, you

backed into me and then you took off.

Pyramid Mall. What day?Uh,

Tuesday. Tuesday. Yeah. What

time?7:00 PM. Hold on a second.

Tuesday, 7:00 PM. You claim a Toyota

Camry hit you in the turbine. That's

right. Exactly. Yeah. How do you know?How

do I know?Because I got friends in a DMV

who called me up. They traced this car.

My car's all smashed in. I can't even

drive it now. Too bad. And if you had.

Too bad. And even the car wasn't there.

Even if you said. I can verify where our

car was and it was not there at 7:00 PM.

Oh, don't tell me where the car was

because I'll show you the marks and I'll

show you the maroon paint on the car.

Hello. Hey, Mike, it's Dom again. Very

sorry. I just want to tell you something.

I have absolute. certainty,

my son was in downtown

all of Tuesday evening. Well, I

apologize for upsetting you. There's no

need for that. I don't want to get you

upset. How about $2,500, we settle.

f*ck you! Does that mean I'm not getting

the money?

Yes. $2,000. I I want every

piece of information that you're talking

about. I want to find out who this

witness is. I want, I want information





about a reverse $1500. I I am

calling the witness and I'm threatening

them with a law. I know who this g*dd*mn

witness is because my son was downtown

with the car and I have, I have a

room. Certified and

a dollar lifting campaign employee $0.50.

A dollar. I want to know who this

witness is $1.00. How about food stamps?

What the heck is this?What kind of

scam is this?Your car backed into me. My

car did not back into me into you. How

about a car was downtown. My son was at

Barbara Lifton's campaign headquarters.

He was certified in a room full of 50

people. A lot of people know him. OK, I

better back rub. I want names right now.

Your son is a teenage maniac bumping into

the car like that. I don't know. He

wasn't anywhere near there. I want to

find out. Now when you say f*ck you, what

do you mean by that?Would you f*cking

shut up?My son was in a. Campaign

headquarters, you moron. Who is making

this decision?I'm a moron. I'm a moron,

your son's ripped up on drugs. What's

your name?My name is Don John! I told

you my name! Tell me it again, Dom,

what's the last name?How do you spell it?

Dom?D-O... I forget the... John! Now

listen to me, Mike. What's your address?

My address is not your business. And let

me tell you another thing. f*ck you!

Hello. HelloIs this the

UFO place?Yes, it is.

Great. My name is Burcham,

and I believe I was abducted. Are

you the right person to speak to about

this?You got him. Oh, man.

You gotta forgive me, I'm a little bit, a

little bit, little bit shaken. What's,

First off, what should I do?I don't know

what to do. Well, what?Is it okay to use

the microwave?Can I drive the car?

You could, it just depends on exactly,

you know, are you injured in any way or?I

do have some rectal bleeding.

Not what I would consider a large amount,

not more than I've had in the

past, although it has notDone that

in a number of years, and it does concern

me. I mean, I do feel like I

was probed. Then you may have been put it

that way. Yeah, big time. Big time, right?

Yeah. And by the way, as far as the

probing goes, they can't go in

through the mouth. It's always the an*s

Seems like one could probe in the

mouth. You know what I'm saying?Right.

Well, it depends. It depends on what

their purpose is. There's been probes in

the ears. Oh, really?And

in the nose as well. Yeah, I wasn't on

that ship. Yeah. No, I was on the

USS AnusNo, no

dinner, no dance, no how do you do, just

right for the pooper. You believe me,

right?I wasn't there, so if you say you

were, I'll assume you were. Yeah, these

were the creatures were

sort of smooth, you know. What color?

Oh, white for the most

part. I think there was one Mexican. They

had like a rode on dirt

bikes. They looked like dirt bikes,

enduros or something. I mean, I don't

know. It's a little sketchy because I did

some peyote and I fell asleep in the

desert and woke up. I had a

Schlitz tallboy in my rectum and

I probably wasn't abducted. Yeah, come to

think of it, I was just, I was r*ped by

teenagers. OK, I'll go with that.

They shaved my a*s so

so they look like crop circles. These

weren't aliens. I think they were ill*gal

aliens, you know what I'm saying?Yeah,

could've been. All right, I'll just, I'll

get into therapy or start drinking or

both. See you, E.T. Okay. Nanu

nanu. Thank you.

Hi Diana. I was in your store recently

and I got sprayed by the

perfume counter. I did not

want it on me and now I have a terrible

rash all over my vag*na. What?

Where did they spray you?Well, they

sprayed me. She just sprayed me in my

midsection and it got swollen and red

and it's a rash. I mean, I know a rash.

I've gotten like 10 in the past six

months and do you happen to know what

fragrance it was?It was a bottle. It was

like the lion or like Oprah, kind of a

weird big head on

it. It's just when I put on perfume, I

want to smell nice and fresh. I don't

want my vag*na to break out. You should

see my vag*na. It looks like, you know,

I'm sorry. I don't know how it ever got

there because certainly you were dressed

when you came in here. I don't know what

to tell you. Do you not believe me?I

mean, I I I don't understand why it would

be breaking out there if you got sprayed

in the department because you don't have

that exposed. I did get sprayed in the

department, in the vag*na department. How

could you get sprayed there, ma'am?Do you

know where the vag*na is?You'd have to

take your clothes off. I was wearing

bikini bottoms. Because I was walking

from the dressing room to show my sister

the bikini. I was, you know what I mean?

And I got sprayed. This woman

chased me. I mean, and it's not the first

problem I've had, by the way, in that

store. One time I was changing in a

dressing room and a man dressed as a

clown just burst in. And he was

also a n*zi sympathizer and I'm Jewish.

Can I take your name and number and have

someone call you?No. This is something

that I need to deal with at the perfume

counter. I mean, this woman had a crazy

look in her eye, and it was embarrassing.

Well, honey, unless you can tell me who

it was or what she looked like, I can't

help you. She kind of looked like

Margaret Thatcher, but with a scrunchie.

I have no idea who you're talking about.

She's the one that's spraying everybody's

vag*na. Hon, I'm sorry.

Unless you want to talk to a manager, I

can't do anything more for you. You know

what?Why don't you give me your name?No,

I gave you my name. My name's Diane. Oh,

what a fun name. Diane,

the Greek goddess of vaginal rashes.

Ma'am, I I can't even discuss this with

you. OK, I have one. Can I just ask you,

are you hiring?Hiring who?

Hiring people?Yeah. You mean the store?

Yeah. Of course we're always hiring

people. I'd love to work at the perfume

department because I can hit a vag*na

from 50 yards away. You know, I'm sorry.

I'm really tired of this discussion. If

you have a problem, call the store

manager. Would it be OK if I used you as

a reference for the application?

Absolutely not. This conversation is

ended.

That's Stacy. Yes. OK, good.

I've got a situation here. My maid just

quit this morning and the house is a

mess. Yeah, it's not good. How many

people do you have on your staff to come

over and clean up?We usually spend three

or four. OK, four is not good for me.

It's got to be 3 or five because I'm not

good with the even numbers. I know

it sounds funny, but I have this

disorder. Do you know what OCD is?No.

OK, it's obsessive compulsive disorder.

Before we get started, please push your

pound key for me on the phone. No, I

can't do that. Oh, just take a second.

It's just part of my disorder. No, I'm

not going to hit the pound key. You sound

like too much trouble. I think you need

to call somebody else. Oh, Stace, don't

get the wrong idea. OK, forget the pound

key for now. We'll get to that later. Are

the girls left left-handed or

right-handed?This is ridiculous. Yeah,

it's crazy. But I have. If you could just

hit the pound key real quick and then

we'll. OK. Can you hit the number key

then?No, I'm not hitting any other key.

Could you help me, please?I need help in.

Well, I don't want my girls to get out

there. And then you tell them that they

can only use their left hand or they can

only use their right hand and are they

left-handed?I won't look. I won't watch.

I won't watch. Stace. I'm sorry, this

affliction I have. I do not wish it on

anybody. I have so much money and I just

if if you hit the pound key, I will give

them each $20 extra. What difference does

that make?It's just part of my disorder,

ma'am. I'm so sorry. Just pretend I hit

it now. Why?WhyWhy is that?If you just

said it, I think you do need to try

somebody else because I I don't think I

can. Can you pretend that the pound key

is your friend?Well, pretend that I

pushed the pound key. OK, I understand

that. Understand that. And and if you

could just say pound key right now. Pound

key. Pound key. Oh, thank you. OK. All

right. So let's understand this then.

They'll come over tomorrow or today. Can

they come over today?It won't be until

Monday. OK. And will they hit the pound

key on my phone when they come over?

Probably not. If you ask them to do that,

they'll look at you weird and leave. But

it's my, it's my pound key. Mr. I don't.

You're just getting. My name is Ken. Let

me give you my name and and then you

could get this work order going. Ken. Say

Ken. Did you say?OK, Ken. And now

if you can repeat pound. I think

you need to call somebody else. You're

driving me. Oh, I'm sorry. You know,

it's a terrible affection. Could you just

say pound key and then we'll finish this

up?Could you call me by my nickname?

I've got $2000, man. I don't care. All

right, just call me by my nickname. Mr.

Poundy Pound. Poundy Pound.

Poundy Pound. Ain't nobody gonna make him

frown. Ain't nobody gonna get him down.

He's Mr. Poundy Pound.