02x18 - Jimmy Kimmel & Adam Carolla

[bunniefuu]

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter, 'cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers!

Oh, god! Purple

Parrot, this is Sherry. How can I help

you?Hi there, darling. Hello. I'm looking

for the lottery numbers.





Hold on. Let me get a pencil.

All right, I got a pencil here. OK, 1218.

All right, I'm ready. Go ahead.









No, there's no 44. No





Let me get a pencil. Hold on.

All right, I got it here. First number's



ready. Go ahead.

OK, 12. Yeah,



Oh, start over. OK, 12. Let

me get a pencil here. Hold on a second.

How many times you got to get a pencil?

I'm hard of hearing, darling. I have

trouble there. hearing you from here.

Where are you from?I'm from

Brooklyn. Brooklyn?Kenassi.

AhI've been playing a lotto for



mother would carve numbers into

coconuts, and she'd toss them out of a

tree. We'd scatter, and we'd

pick up the coconuts, and she'd hold

them up in the air and call out the

numbers. If you guessed all the

numbers,You got to drink the milk

out of the coconut. We would dance

around. We'd touch each other. It was a

good time. My brother

Charlie passed away.

My mother hit him on the head with one of

them coconuts. Too hard, huh

Well, that's not funny, darling, because

my brother died of a brain aneurysm.

Really?Back in those days, we called it a

noogie. And that was the official

cause of death. They died of a noogie.

Wow. It was a terrible thing. But

we had 14 children in the family.

Big family. Yeah, it's a good time.

They're all passed away now. We all got

hit on the head with coconuts and they

all died. Oh. All right, let's go

over the numbers one more time. OK, It's



and 47.

I didn't win. I'm sorry. But if I win,

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

What's that?I'm going to come down there

and marry you. Oh, I'm already married.

Sorry. All right. I'll hit your husband

over her head with a coconut, and then

we'll go off together and make hot, sweet

doggy love. OK. All right,

darling. Well, you're going to hang up on

me now, and I'll come down there.

And I'll take out my teeth and I'll put

them in my hand and make my hand talk

with teeth for you, okay?I'll

keep going here until you hang up. All

right, bye. All right.

Hi. Hi, this is Susie. I'm an operator

with Voice Assisted Services and I'm

calling on behalf of Dr. Mark Premis. OK.

Dr. Premis speaks with the assistant of a

computer generated speech system. And

he's calling. Yes, he's calling for your

services. OK. So can I connect him now?

All right. OK. Are you there, Dr. Premis?

Yes. All right. Thank you. Hi. I am

looking for a date. We're

not a dating service. OK. It's a

dating consulting service. So what we do

is go on a simulated date with you and

then give you feedback about how you come

across. I would like to

go on a simulated date.

We can do that. If you'd like to,

you can-- we can set up a time. I don't

know. Where would we go-- Normally we

work out of a cafe. But if you have

you know needs for a wheelchair and and

ramps, we could find a place that would

be workable for you. I cannot

leave the house. OK.

Well, we could set up a time when I could

come to your house. And then I could you

know have an interaction with you, as if

you had invited me over for coffee or

something. And then I could give you

feedback about how you come across. You

need toI'm here and

we will hook up right. And

then we will what?Will you work

the chest?Will I what?Work

the?Chest.

Chest?Chest. Chast.

Chest, chest, chest,

yes, yesWill I work the

chest?Knob.

Chest knob. UmmLet's

just leave that for a minute. So if you

want, we can set up a time when I can

come over. It takes about three hours,

and it costs $275. And-- um My dork

needs

stroking. Pardon?My

dork needs stroking. OK,

I'm-- I am wheelchair

bound. OK, I don't think we have what

you need. I'm really sorry, but I don't

think it's going to work out. How

do you

Hey, baby. Yeah, man.

This is Kelly. Kelly, my name's

Burcham. I'd like to be hired on for the

mall Santa position. OhYou

know what?Actually, I have a saying

already. Let me ask you a hypothetical.

What if something awful was to happen to

this guy?Let's not

let that happen. Well, I'm I'm not saying

it's going to happen. And God forbid I

wish it upon no man, but let's just say

he was driving his car and someone cut

his brake lines. Oh, my goodness.

You need a backup, don't you?Yeah, you

need a backup. You know, in the Miss

America pageant, they have the first

runner-up. Yeah, that person

has to fulfill the duties of Miss

America. If some guy was to snuff

her out or she got sick

or something, right?This guy

sits there for a few hours. His lap falls

asleep. He urinates on himself. You

better go to the bullpen, sweet cheeks.

Now listen to me. I'm qualified. I love

kids. I love Christmas.

I love eggnogs and Vicodin. I love it

all. All you need is a chair, huh

That's all I need. Watch, watchJust try

this. Watch. Um, what's

your name?Kelly. Have you been

naughty or nice?I've been very nice. Very

nice. What do you want?I want a

pony. Pony?All

righty. All righty. There you go.

And you're set. Next. Who's next?

OK, soLet's say I need a backup. Where

can I contact you at?Well, let me tell

you something. I'm everywhere and

nowhere. I'm like the wind, baby.

That's how I know whether you've been

naughty or nice. And I know you've been

naughty, too. I have not. You try to pass

that nice crap off on old Saint Nick, but

he knows what you've been doing.

Whatever. He knows what's in your

underwear drawer, baby. Yeah, I didn't

give you that toy, did I?No. NoNo elf in

his right mind will work on that, baby. I

know it's there. That is messed up. Maybe

I'll give you some C-cell Duracells this

year, huhNot so much. You need some new

batteries?I know what goes

on. You're a lonely, lonely woman.

I come over there, pull my beard down,

and get to business. I know when you're

sleeping. I know when you're awake. Come

on. And I know when you got that

jackhammer out of your nightstand and

you're working on yourself, like some bad

Caltrans project. You're horrible.

Oh, yeah. You like it, don't you, baby?

No. All right, baby. Merry Christmas.

I'll be coming up your chimney soon. My

husband would appreciate that. I'll take

care of him. I'll cut his brake lines.

OK. All right.

Boots. Is this Boots and Saddle?It is. My

name is d*ck Rogers. Do you hear?close

your pie. Hold and open your ears, Bubba.

I've ever got a bone to pick with you.

Listen, I'm at your establishment last

night and these fellas keep looking at

me. They keep ogling me. I got to hunt

your clubs lousy with sweet fellas if you

catch my drift. I'm a friend. I mean,

then you pick the wrong establishment.

Let me tell you something. Where I come

from, a fella goes to a bar to throw back

a bourbon or two, watch a ball game,

maybe talk to a pretty lady. Your joints

serve me my bourbon with a paper umbrella

at a Streisand picture on the set. And

the only lady I talk to is named Carl.

What gives?I tell you, what gives?

Where's all the skirts and Dames?I have

no idea. I don't like women. I don't look

at women. I don't need women. Well,

fella, I need women like I need booze.

I'll tell you that right now. And every

red blooded male that I've ever met says

the same. Well, I'm a red blooded male.

I'm a taxpaying, hard working man. And I

like c*ck don't like the cut of your

jib, fella. You probably wouldn't be able

to f*ck your way out of a paper bag. f*ck

my way. I could f*ck my way out of a

cardboard box. Well, if you got big

muscles and a big c*ck why don't you come

on in?What's your sign?

You see there?Oh, wait a minute. What the

hell is going on?See, this is what your

people do, isn't it?All the bars in this

town and I got to walk into this Sissy

hole. Why, I ought to. I'm slightly

intrigued, but that don't mean nothing.

You understand?Well, if you're slightly

intrigued, why don't you come on in?My

name is Ed. I'm a pretty muscular guy. I

got a pretty big c*ck myself. You're

fellching up the wrong leg, fella. Let me

tell you. Come on. You're probably

getting a little b*ner right now. My God,

I haven't had this feeling since summer

camp. You see there, buddy?Why don't you

come on in and explore?What in God's name

is happening with my body?I'm telling

you, why don't you come on in and let us

really explore where you're at?Then this

is crazy, DickYou like Dames. You

understand?You like Dames. It's OK to

like guys, too. Oh, look, my Maltese

Falcon is doing a military salute. You

see there?Come on in, buddy. No, no, no

What?What's your name?My name is Ed. Why

don't you come on in?And next thing you

know, when somebody's, you know, looking

down at your w*nk*r and your w*nk*r is

feeling good. Ed, would you do me a favor?

Would you say w*nk*r one more time?w*nk*r

Would you say it again?Would you say it

again, Ed?Ed, would you say it one more

time?Oh, God. Oh, God.

What was that?What just happened?What in

God's name just happened?Oh, God. Brand

new pair of loafers. Good God. Uh, you

see there?You knew you wanted. Ed, let me

tell you something. I'm gonna come down

there and make out with you, but I want

you to do something. I want you to keep

those g*y guys away from me, all right?

That sounds like such a great f*cking

idea. I'll be the straightest guy who

ever nailed you in the a*s Ed. Explore

those feelings and come on in. Ed, thanks

a lot. You're welcome. Goodbye, Ed.

Get up on that floor and show your p*nis

to the world Get up on that floor Get

up

What's in me?Do you have pig

feet?Yeah.

Where do you buy your shoes?

Sucker.

OK, I'll ask, do you have chicken breasts?

OK, Katie.

Wesme. Do you have chicken

breasts?

Yes. Where do you buy it from?

I don't have money. Do you have hot

dogs?Hot dogs?Yeah, we have hot dogs.

You better take them to the vet. Take

them to the vet. You have

nothing better to do with yourself, right?

Did y'all ever hear of hang up?Do you

have a college education?

Thank you for calling KB Toys. This is

Rita. How can I help you?Uh, Rita?Yeah.

Um, I don't I I don't know if if you

all are aware of this. First of all, do

you sell slime?We have sold it

before, but we don't have any of it right

now. Are you out of it?Yeah. Let

me tell you why you're out of it. OK.

You're not going to believe what these

kids are doing. I I caught my

son doing OK. He was

masturbating with that slime.

Apparently it's the rage now. Oh

my goodness. Yes, these little kids are

out there buying up the slime and they're

using it as joy juice. Oh my goodness.

I'm calling all the toy stores and I want

them to pull this mess off the shelves.

Don't sell it. Make them do it the good

old fashioned way with some some old

Vaseline or some, you know, some jergens

lotion or something. Yeah, cause that's

slime. I'm gonna tell you, it creates a

mess. Yeah, I'd heard this stuff was

nasty. Yeah, it is nasty. I guess

so. I wondered why we sold it pretty

good. Yeah, that's what it is. These

little, little perverted children are out

here getting they little thrills

whacking off with this slime. Oh my

goodness. Or or maybe the district

manager, he caught on with that, with it.

And then he got a whole case of slime

in his office and he just going to town.

I don't know. I'm telling you, I

couldn't believe my son. It was so good.

He stood there and look me square in the

eye and wouldn't he stop, wouldn't stop.

And you would think he would at least be

ashamed or embarrassed or something. But

he's like, oh, Obama is just keeps

calling me, keeps calling me, keeps

calling me, you know?You think there's a

w*r on terror going on or no, we

got a w*r on that little green can. Oh my

goodness. Yes. But I I don't blame him.

Cause when you look at it, it it the

stuff does look very sensual, all

gooey and and slimy and

slippery. So I I can see the

appeal. Yeah. Oh

my goodness. Well, I I take know what you

do. Look, it's between us, right?Yeah.

If you get a get another shipment in,

grab yourself one of those cans and

you go home, run you a nice little

bath, light a few candles.

And girl, I'm gonna tell you, that

stuff is magic. I don't think I

need any. I'm fine.

Oh, don't knock it till you try it.

I'll be sort of. Relay that message on

for you. OK. All right. Well, I'm going

to call back and see when you get

something in. OK. OKThank you. OK, Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

Mary Reed. Hi, Mary. This is Tony Deloz,

your district selectman, and thank you

for your support. I am calling today

because I would like to make a speech at

your center and I understand you're

interested in hiring speakers. No, we

don't pay any speakers and our programs

are filled up. I do not need money, Mary.

I'm sorry. Can you just give me a date?I

do not. Please, please don't yell.

Please, Mary, calm down. We're

civilized society. I want to make a

speech about civilized society. I'm

sorry. We're not out looking for

speakers. We've got a good program and we

don't need a speaker. So thank you very

much. I would like the use of a company

card. That's all I'm asking for the month

of December. I'm sorry. I can't

authorize anybody to give any dates. I'm

sorry. Can we have lunch?No,

thank you very much. I'll see you

December 20th. How's that look?No,

don't you dare. Don't you dare to come

down here for any any speech. I will plan

December 20th. And if I am stopped by the

police, I will not speak. You're not

going to speak at any Rotary Club. I'm

sorry. Let me let you talk to someone

else. Please. This is Bob Offer. Can

I help you?Bobby, this is Tony Deloz,

your district selectman. And Mary just

said December 20th looks good for me to

come there and speak. Can you verify it?

Well, the

program chair has everything filled up

through December. I give one heck of a

speech. I don't use swear words. I don't

use anything. And also, I'm not

charging you. And I open with a

joke that will knock your socks off. Do

you want to hear it?Well, B.B. King is

having a birthday. So his wife goes to

the tattoo parlor. She says put a bee on

one sheek and a bee on the other. I want

to surprise him. So he does. Bibi comes

home, she bends over, pulls down her

drawers and says happy birthday. Bibi

says, who's Bob?Yeehaw.

Get up on your float and join the p*nis

parade Get up on that float

Get up on that float Get up on that

float and show your p*nis to the world

Get up on that float Get up on that float

Get up on that float Get up on that float