02x26 - Sarah Silverman & Jeff Goldblum

[bunniefuu]

Maybe even your mother wants to join the

Crank Yankers tonight. Crank

Yankers!

This is Jeff. Hi, this is

Jeff Green talking. You're the mobile DJ

people, right?That's right. Oh, I'm so

excited. Listen, my son is having

his 15th birthday. Yes, Sir. I'll tell

you the first of all, the most important

thing about this is that you keep it

under your hat. It's because I'm telling

you this kid of mine, Isaac, he finds out

everything. Hold on one second. Jackie's

the one that takes care of the scheduling

and I don't want to tell. Please don't

even tell Jackie, you know, about this

thing now that we've talked. I mean, I

think the more people we tell, because

I'm telling you this kid is a is a spy

and he'll find out about it somehow. Tell

me your address, if you don't mind. Yeah,

I'm going to have my wife call and get

all that stuff. I just, I'm, I'm, I'm

like I'm running around here. So I just

wanted to make sure that you're the

you're the guys because I hear you're

just so great. That's right. Thanks, man.

Thanks. Bye. Bye. Don't tell us all. No

problem.

Hi, this is Jeff. Jeff. Hi,

this is Jeff Green. Hey, I just talked to

you earlier. I know, I know

You're a talkative guy. Tell me what's

happening. Well, you tell me what's

happening. Do you remember the the main

point that I asked for the party?

Yes, I remember. What was it?Just

to keep it a surprise?Yes. What

happened?What do you mean?What happened?

For God's sake, Isaac found

out. Not from us. There was a leak

somewhere. And this is the only place I

told. As I said before, nothing happened

here. Did you tell Jackie?I didn't

tell Jackie. I gave her the sheet of

paper and I said if this person calls

back, I need to talk to them with

surprise party written on it. Possibly.

Possibly. But you didn't specify. You

didn't specify. Oh, she opened her mouth

and now he's crying. A river of tears,

Sir. That's what's happening. Oh, for

God's sake. Can I help you with this?

Help me. Yes. Erase his memory, Sir.

OK, here's here's the deal. I want you

to play the party for free. That's first

of all. No. What?Listen,

my family is in shambles. My wife is

probably going to leave me over this. She

gave me one task. She said you put on the

birthday party, and for God's sakes, make

sure it's a surprise. Did you hear that

door slam?That was my wife leaving. I

think she left me. This is turning out to

be quite the day. By the way, do you do

bar mitzvahs?Oh, sure. Oh, you do?

I have enjoyed working with you in the

past, and I'd like to use you again. It's

a surprise bar mitzvah, and

I think it could be fun. I don't need to

say don't tell anybody about the bar

mitzvah party, OK?Yes, Sir. Can you tell

me your address?And then I'm planning a

surprise party for myself, but you'd

under no conditions be able to tell me.

Is that possible?Could you do that?

Hello. Hi, my name is Cami and I

am calling. Do you have a moment so I can

ask you a quick question?Sure. OK, this

is totally random. I just picked your

name out of the phone book. I just

started dating a Jewish man. And I don't

know any Jewish people. And I'm calling

you to just ask you a few questions

because I'm meeting his parents tonight

and I have no idea how to act. Oh, OK.

Are his parents, like, ultra religious?

They're they're pretty religious. Yeah.

So they may not even wear, like, hats or

little hats and things. Are you going to,

like, a Friday service?It's not a

service, I guess. It's some kind of a

dinner or something. So this is just

going to be a regular meal, like a family

meal. Let me just write this down. No

funny hats. OK, I mean,

they don't wear hats. So oh, if the

men don't wear hats, then they're not.

Then they're not that Jewey. Now, I think

I've heard them speak in tongues, and I

don't know. Is that something that

they're going to make me do?Jews don't

speak in tongues. That's Pentecostal.

They may speak in Hebrew. They may pray

in Hebrew, say a prayer in a different

language. OK, I heard a lot of. Yeah,

that's Hebrew. OK. I've heard, like,

people refer to Jewish noses as schnozes.

Is that complimentary?You wouldn't use

it. It's like an in-group joke among

themselves. You know?OK. You wouldn't.

OK. So it's like, OK, so they can say it,

but I can't. Pretty much. Yeah, I

wouldn't. All right. Especially first

meeting. OK. What's a putz?

I don't know. OK. Have you

ever... I haven't... This is really

personal, but we haven't like been really

physical yet. And I heard that they get

circumvised or something. Yes.

What is Jewish men get circumcised, but

most men do. Really. Most

in the hospital, if you were to have a

boy baby, the pediatrician does it. OK,

so it's not like he's missing half his

p*nis. No, no, noOK.

And do they have horns?Because I

haven't found any on my boyfriend. Now

what do you think?This is ridiculous. How

old are you?I'm 24. Well, come

on. I've never met a Jew in my life. I

know it sounds ridiculous. I literally

have. You just didn't know that. HuhSo

like they're just living around us. Just

all around you. I swear to God, because I

see so few people with big noses and and

beady eyes that I just never would have

known. Not

all Jews have large noses. He does. He

has a honker. But I like it. I think it's

sexy. Umm I know

he doesn't mix meat and dairy. Is it

wrong to put whipped cream on his p*nis?

Hey. Hi. It's a tattoo parlor, right?

Yeah. Can I ask who I'm speaking with?

This is Greg. What's up, Greg?What's

going on?I want to get a tattoo for my

daughter. I've got one on my arm

of her, and she wants to get one of me on

her arm. How old is she?10.

She's how old?She's 10. She wants to

get a tattoo. Yeah. Well, yeah, I'd be





card for her ID?No. It's got to be a

driver's license. I probably can get

that. There's no way we can tattoo her,

though. She's underage. You already told

me she was underage. No, she's 18. She

just looks 10. You told me she was

underage before, man. What she wanted a

tattoo of was. SpongeBob riding the

dragon at 1st. And I told her, no, you

know, you should get a tattoo with Daddy.

I was like, no. Can you hold on one

second?Yeah.

Hello. How you doing?How you doing?I'm

good. What's your name?Chris. OK, Chris.

I was trying to find out some

information. My daughter wants to get a

tattoo. And she's 14. No,

she's 18. 18. OK. She looks 10, but

she's 18. She looks really young. And I

was asking. The other guy,

if it was cheaper, if you know,

because her arm is smaller, she wanted to

get a tattoo of me on her arm. Well,

actually I wanted her to get it. It goes

by time, you know what I mean?It doesn't

matter how small her arm is or large.

What if you guys start doing it and she

screams so loud that you can't finish it

and then, you know, is it half the price

or?Well, I mean, if she's that scared or

whatever to get it, then. No, I mean, I

mean, she's, it's not that she's scared.

I can, you know, I can, I can bring in a

Barney video or something. We can show it

to her and give her a lollipop. She'll be

fine. And she's 18. Yeah.

I mean, I don't know. I mean, I've never

had to not finish a tattoo. I mean,

people have screamed. Well, I I just, I

want to make sure that when she goes to

school, she has the best tattoo on the

playground. I mean, when she goes to

work, she has the best tattoo at work.

Well, I mean, I do really good tattoos

here. That's all I can tell you, you

know, she's got picture ID. Yeah, she's

got picture ID. We got a library card and

everything. All right. I'll be the one

with the 10 year old looking 18 year old.

OK. OKMaybe I'll even get her out of

school early. You're coming today. Yeah,

I could come today. We can do it during

recess or something. OK. Do you do

tattoos on dogs?On what?On dogs?Because I

could. No, noOh, OK. Well, let me tell

you this. She wants it no matter how bad

she cries. All right, cool. When she

comes in there. All right. Later. All

right. Thanks, d*ck

This is . How may I help you?Yeah, I have

a bit of a problem. Me and my wife are

separated. I'm with my son for the first

time, and, you know, he's crapped his

diaper, and... I've never changed one on

my own. I mean, it's a mess.

It's it's on his back. It's up in his

hair. Can you give me some help here?What

I would do is take off the diaper and

hold them in the tub and just spray them

off. Yeah, but then I'm not going to have

crap all over my tub. Well, is it

runny or is it hard?It's a little of

both. Do you have any baby wipes?All I

got is a rag I got from the garage.

It's clean, though. I mean, I used it

once on the snow blow. I've been sort of

plugging the hole in my finger, but it's

still squirting out. Don't plug the tub.

Oh, I wasn't plugging the hole in the

tub. I was talking about his buttI mean,

my wife just changed the diapers like 2

days ago. You got to change them every

couple hours. What?I would go start the

bath water or something and get the water

warm for him. My wife has stapled the

diaper on him. Stapled the diaper.

Is that right?You need to get that diaper

off of him before your wife gets back.

All right, I get it off. If he keeps

crying, I swear to God, I'm going to. I'm

going to rub his mother's face in it. Oh,

she pissed me off. I have trouble wiping

my own assOK, just calm down. It's OK.

I'm sorry. Can you?Is there any way you

can pick up your son?Yeah, I can pick him

up. Let me take my shirt off. I'm not

going to ruin an Iron Maiden T-shirt. OK,

now you need to comfort your son. OK,

Tony. Tony. Shh. Stop.

StopMy

God. You need to get him cleaned up and

get a fresh cipher on him before he poops

again on. Uh, jeez, it's squirting all

over the place. It's all over the couch.

Sir, stop. What did this kid eat?

Sir, it's a baby. He's gonna poop. Is it

supposed to be green?It depends on what

he ate. It could be green. What did he

eat?Grass?It looks like it's coming out

of a sheep's assSir, it's not helping.

You're yelling. He can't understand me. I

know he can't understand you. That's why

you have to just calm down. Ohh

It's all over my big screen TV, for

crying out loud. It's all over the phone.

I got to go. OK. Thank you. Thank

you.

Sharon. This is Sunny Tanning, and I

have a special singing phonogram for you

from one of your former students who

really appreciated their time at school

with you and wanted to send you a

message. Really?Yes. Wow.

They thought it'd be fun if they put

their feelings toward you in song, and

that's what I do. Oh. So would you like

to hear the song?OK, sure.

Sharon, Dean of students,

Sharon, kind and prudent, Sharon, she's

the greatest girl. I knew.

Well, you have any idea who this person?I

have no idea. Well, then I'll just keep

singing. He didn't get the

best of grades, but your faith in him

never fades. He owes you all the wealth

he has today.

This is so sad. I am so sorry, but I have

all I understand. You must go through

thousands of kids that you help out

through the time. I'm so sorry. It's like

I am totally blanking. Let me give you a

few more lyrics and maybe it'll become

quite clear to you in a few seconds. He

wants to send his gratitude. He's sorry

if he was ever rude, but kids today can

be a handful. Dean. You know what?I have

no idea. OK, here we go. He smoked in the

bathroom once. You might remember him as

a dunce, but you changed him into quite a

dashing fellow. All

right, here's another one. He set the

trophy case on fire. He keyed your car

and slashed your tires. Sprayed swastika

on the gymnasium floor.

Dan Smith. No, no, no

Oh, OK, well, this one seems pretty

clear. He cellophane the toilet seat on

your desk. He did excrete. He had his

first experience in your chair, and I'd

recommend some leather cleaner. I don't

know. This is a joke, isn't it?I mean,

these are the lyrics he gave to me, so it

seemed as though it was going to be

something that you'd go, oh, I know what

that is. That's very obvious. Sorry.

Okay, well, he put cherry bombs in the

toilet bowls. He frequented some glory

holes. He k*lled chickens in a voodoo

ritual dedicated to your death. I

have no idea. I'm gonna let you go,

though. Um, your ethics are a real

disgrace. He rearranged your ugly face.

He says that you are g*y and can't get

hard. He said a few things that were very

nice, I suppose, now that I think about

it. All right, that

one's done.

Hi, this is John. Hi, John. My name is

Hadassah and I'm interested in getting a

real estate license. Well, to get your

license, what you need to do is you need

to complete 150 hours worth of

training. Oh.

And then you have to take the test, pass

the test and then then get your license.

I just, I don't really see how hard it is

to sell a house, you knowI mean, is there

a way you can just put my name out there

and I'll sell houses. How's this?You like

this house?You do buy

it. How much?You know, I I'm

not good. It doesn't work that way

because we we have to know contracts. We

need to know agency law. Your voice is

so grating





pocket. Nobody says anything. But

we can't do that. We can't do that.

That's what you sound like.

Sorry about that. I can't stand your

voice. Would

you like to come down to the office on

one of these days and see our school?

Would I?No.

You know, I'm special. And nobody else

has to know. You know, I I'll say I went

to your stupid school. It doesn't, it

doesn't work that way. See, we're

licensed by the state of Oregon. Is that

like your pickup line or something?Hi,

I'm John. I'm licensed by the state of

Oregon. You must get a lot of p*ssy

Not we

have. How

do they even allow you to

answer the phones?It's like nails on a

chalkboard. I'm sorry, I'm fighting a

cold right now. Whatever.

And we wouldn't want you as an agent if

that's your attitude anyway. We'd want

you to go somewhere else. Trust me, you

want me for an agent. How about this?

This house is fully equipped with two

crappers and three full showers.

Anyway, I've got to get you an inspection

right now. Look, I'm busy too. I was

supposed to be at Pilates 10 minutes ago

and I'm supposed to stretch there. If you

don't come 15 minutes early, you're 15

minutes late for Pilates. I'm 10 minutes

late for the 15 minutes early part. You

need to make some more time. How

dare you?Anyway, I do have to get-- John,

you shouldn't be selling houses. You

should be selling earplugs.

OK, bye-bye.

Dos amigos en cantina. Comos da el

yay!Mi amo

Eduardo especial.

You got-- you got me. Hablo

English por por por. I don't understand

Spanish. Uno. Who?

Uno. Uno, one.

Dos. That's two. Tres.

That's three. Cuatro. I

don't know the numbers. Cuatro. That's

four. El yay, cinco.

Cinco. Five. El yay.

CS. Who is this?

El Duartaro. El Special.

Uno. Why?El

yay. Dos. Dos.

Dos amigos. El yay.

Teres. Senorita, you

go. Teres. Well,

senorita, she's not here. El yay!

Senorita, you go! Uno, dos,

tres! Go! Okay.

Go! No, I don't need to do that. Go!

Go!

Ohh El yay!