02x27 - Seth Green & Jamie Kennedy

[bunniefuu]

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others. Maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers.

Hi, this is Misty. Can I help you?Misty,

my name's Bircha. You guys run a talent

agency, right?Uh-huhHow much is

the minimum for the, let's say, two hours

for some talent?Like, well, what kind of

job is it?Well, it wouldn't have to be

doing much. It's a funeral. I'm not

filming it or anything. I'm just father

passed away a couple days back

due to bury him on Monday. He

didn't have a lot of friends out in this

part and like to sort of fill out the

crowd a little. Oh, OK. How many can I

get?I know it's kind of short notice,

but I mean, we represent 600 people. Oh,

do you?We have a good talent pool. Yeah,

let's not overdo it. But I'm thinking

about 20, 20 heads. Are they

decent actors?Well, yeah. Because

here's the thing. I don't I don't want

anybody smiling or playing crab a*s

during the eulogy. You know what I'm

saying?Oh, for sure. Yeah. I mean, we

would let them know that this is a job

and they're, I mean, what it was that,

you know, you're expecting of them and

we'll let them know that. Now, do you

guys deal with any stunt people?

Not really. I'm not talking about

flipping a car or. Doing the Human Torch.

But if someone could jump in to the

grave, that would probably be a plus. Of

course, I'm willing to pay extra for it.

We have to talk to one of our guys that

we could obviously, you know, all right.

You guys handle all ethnicities over

there because I'd like to show a little

diversity. Yeah, we do. He wasn't a big

fan of the blacks, but I don't want my

in-laws to know about this. You know what

I'm saying?OK. You deal with Asians?

Yes, we do. You do, huhAnd Native

Americans and Hispanics. Hispanic guy.

You got Mexicans, got the Asians, got the

Indians. Do you want them to all these

guys or do you want them to be some

ladies?Oh, no. I like some ladies. OK.

These young gals, they do any nude

modeling?No, no, noThat wouldn't

be appropriate at the funeral either.

Definitely not. Right. But nothing wrong

with a bikini, though. Yeah, they own

bikini. Yeah. All right. Tell the gals

under 30 to wear a bikini to the funeral.

OK. And nubile young

blondes and French cutter thong back.

Bikinis. No one pieces, right. OK. And

what was your name again?Name's Burcham.

Burcham. Yeah, you do any acting yourself?

No, I can't say I do. This be an easy,

easy 100 bucks for you. How do you

spell Burcham?How do you look in a thong

back?That's very

inappropriate, Sir. How dare you attack

the grieving?You understand the pain I'm

in?Excuse me?Have you ever lost a parent?

Sir, I'll have Danny call you and she'll

handle this. No child should have to bury

his parent. No, they shouldn't.

You've never known the pain of having to

hire girls in bikinis to grieve at their

funerals, have you?Seriously, what do you

look like in a thong bag?

Thank you for calling Around the Clock.

This is Rosie. How can I help you?Hi,

Rosie, this is Marsha calling. I'm just

calling about rates about daycare. Uh-huh

How much is it for two days?Our

drop-in rate is $5 an hour.

And do you feed the children?

Three meals a day plus snacks in between

the meals. Well, a nap time because he

sleeps mostly during the day. How many

hours a day does he sleep?13. Wow.

Yes. So could I just drop him off

in his cage later?In his cage?

Yes. And why is he in a cage?

Umm I'm his adopted mother, and he was

raised by a group of hippies in his

first two years in a commune. And so he

kind of lived like an animal on berries

and bark. And crickets. And

he's just like other kids. He snarls and

he gets a little wild, so he's like a

little woof boy. So I keep him in a cage.

OK, well, ma'am, we wouldn't be able to

keep him in a cage. Well, then I need to

talk to your manager right away.

This is Stacy. Can I help you?Yes. My

name is Marcia. I have a four year old

boy and he has some special needs. What?

Special needs?Yes. In a cage?No. Well,

what I'm suggesting is I would drop him

off in his cage. He has a

PlayStation 2 in his cage. He's very good

at NBA K2. I just wouldn't want to get

him out with the other children because

kids try to challenge his dominance and I

suggest that they wouldn't because he

would bite them. The Nintendo would not

be allowed here. What's not a Nintendo.

It's PlayStation 2. Well, the PlayStation

would not be allowed here. We have a no

toy policy here. My question to you is it

wouldn't be there. It would be in his

cage. He has a whole self-contained cage.

He has a little beanbag chair. He has

PlayStation 2. He has a little bowl where

he drinks his water, and he has a box of

crickets. And I'll just leave the

tranquilizer g*n with you guys. There is

no way that I'm going to be able to

accommodate you, regardless of the price

per day. Are you prejudiced against

children that have special needs?We

do not allow children in cages here. We

believe all children should be allowed to

roam free. Were you a caged child?

No, I was not a caged child. Well, he's a

human being, damn it. Well, I understand

that. But then why is he still in a cage?

Why can't he be allowed to run free?Can I

ask you a question?Yes, ma'am. Do you

have breasts?Actually, as a matter of

fact, no. I'm flat-chested. Why?Well,

anytime he sees a teat, he

runs to it and sucks it. Kind of like my

ex-husband, but that's a whole other

story. Well, wouldn't the woman actually

have to have milk in order to do that?Oh,

he'll suck it. He'll find the milk in

that teat. I mean, all this said, he's a

darling little boy. Charles, sit down.

When would you like to bring your son?

HuhWhen would you like to bring your son

here?I'd like to bring him over in two

hours. OK, well, I need your

son before he can attend my daycare. No

PlayStation. Are you good with the cattle

prod?No, I am not good with the cattle

prod. We believe in learn through play

here. We believe in only sitting in time

out. We do not punish our children here.

Well, you just go. I'll bring him in two

hours and you get ready for Woof Boy.

Once you get him, I'm washing my hands of

the whole thing. Okay. Bye-bye. Goodbye.

JC Fitness. Johnny, may I help you?My

name is Gene. Gene Winterbuck. And I'm

calling to find out a little bit about

your establishment. OK. It's a fitness

center. Yes. We have a four inch of

knowledge equipment, life cycles, airline

cycles. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm

sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really you're going

so quickly here. I don't I I all I heard

was oh, zimza. Could you just let's

list these one at a time. OK. We have a

four inch of knowledge equipment. OK,

fantastic. And that that would be good

again for people who have use of their

legs. Yes, I'm in a situation. Let

me explain to you. I'm in a wheelchair. I

was in a horrible statue accident out of

Washington and I'm actually,

I'm completely numb from the from the

waist down with

some some feeling in my around

my taint. But I'm interested in coming

down there and getting into a fitness

program, possibly with a personal

trainer. Do you provide that that sort of

Yes, we do. Are your trainers certified?

Yes, they are. Does he have an an

SMG?It's

it's similar to a BYOB or a CAT. No, they

do not have that. That's something you

might want to look into because that's

going to scare some people away. Or TIT

No, no TITNo, not at

this location. I would our beach my

location. Some of the trainers over there

might not at this situation, but at the

other situation they might have an

SUCKIT. Possibly. Does

he have a DIC or yourself?Are you

certified with the DIC with AK option?

No, instead of instead of giving me

initials, give me the whole word. Oh, OK.

I'm just looking at the at the like the

PUBE. We're from the old

school. We've been here 22 years. I mean,

we're very well knowledged. Is the

PRANK, is that in effect down there?Is

there a, is there something like that on

the wall or the CALL?Which club are you

looking at?You may not have the right

club. No, I'm sorry, Dix. I know you're

Dixie Fitness, but my neighbor across the

yard is screaming something in my window.

She needs something. I'm just going to

tell the f*ck offHold on one second.

Ginny. Not now. I'm with the fitness

program. Yes. Hi. What about the the

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP?

Yeah. Do you have that as well?Or the

HANGUP?That's great. I'm

going to. I'm going to actually go punch

myself in the face. OK. Take care.

Bye. Bye.

This is Candace. How may I help you?

What's wrong with you people?What's wrong

with this?My great grandson came

home from your place there. He got

one of them stuffed animals.

A stuffed animal out of the machine?Yeah,

yeahAnd it's filled with glass.

It's filled with glass. It's Phil. I

squeeze this thing here, and it makes a

crunching noise. Uh-huhI said, what

the hell is going on here?What is your

name?My name is Elmer Higgins.

Elmer Higgins. My grandson wants to

talk to you. OK. Got

on the phone. Tell him what you got.

It's got glass in it, and I

cut myself. OK, well, I'll turn this over

to the manager. I'm going to call the GM

and let him know that there was glass in

there. Hello. HelloMy name

is Elmer Higgins. Yes, you told me all

this. I'm 87 years old.

You're ha. OK, well, can I get your

address?My address is



Oakwood apartment number



he get this out of the place?Hello. My

name is Elmer Higgins. Yes, you told

me all this. I need someone to come down

to 4715

Oakwood. OK. Apt



was 19 Q. So is it 14 or 19?

Hold on, let me put my grandson on the

phone here. Get on the phone with the

lady. Tell her what your apartment was.

What is your apartment number heading?

Yeah, it's 14 Q. 14 Q Now,

what night did you get that out of there?

What day was it that you got it out of?

Let me say something. What kind of a sick

old maniac would

put glass in a

stuffed animal?I don't know, but we need

to get the company out here and have them

open the machine. My great grandson

knows all the animals. He knows how

to make the noises for a cow

and. He knows snakes. Well, that's

good. OK, let me calm my hand.

Do the son of a dog. Do a dog.

Bark. Do it away, the dog barks.

OK, let me call you back. OK, Omer. And I

would like to meet you sometime. Well, we

will meet. Let me call you back. No, no,

noI'm going to hang up because you're

going to talk to me like that. I love

you. Goodbye, then. Goodbye.

ohh

This is DJ, how may I help you?Hi, DJ,

are there any men that work in your

department?Um, not at the moment, but

there are from time to time. Well, here's

the thing. I have kind of a delicate

request and I don't want to offend any

woman. I don't think me lascivious in any

way, but my wife is a little person. OK,

it is our anniversary and I want to buy

her something sexy. And more often than

not, we can only shop in children's

departments other than having things

custom made. Uh huhAnd she is. She is

small. She is. About 3 foot five,

which causes some conflict when we go to

amusement parks. You can't get in a lot

of the rides. Oh, I hadn't thought about

that. Yeah, that one. It does. And we've

been together 15 years. And let me just

say, we know every inch of each other.

That's great. You know, she's got a lot

of sadness in her life. Yeah, it'd be

rough. Her favorite food is like cotton

candy and gingerbread houses. It's me

too. Sugar tooth. So I want to do

something really nice for her on her

anniversary about finding her good

clothing. What?What do you have?We have

some really cute stuff, but I wouldn't

say so far as sexy because it is

manufactured for children. A lot of the

parents, it's hard for us to go shopping,

you know, because little people, they

have trouble standing for more than 20

minutes at a time. And a lot of times I

piggyback her and people are like, hey,

look, there goes Luke Skywalker and Yoda.

And that's very, that's very offensive to

her. So I'm trying to. Yeah, she's a

sexy, mature woman that I love dearly and

I just want to give her a. A hard night

of passion on our anniversary. You know

what I'm saying?Yeah. Hey, what about,

like, costumes or something like that?

Y'all sell outfits. I mean, she's into

role-playing a little bit. Like something

like a fuzzy Bunny. Or maybe I could, I

don't know, dress her up like a bowling

ball. We don't have anything like that.

You know, on Halloween, I put her in a

pumpkin shell. That's cute.

I was up for Halloween one year. You did.

See, there's no real reason. It's just

funny. Yeah. What about suits

like that tattoo from the Fantasy Island?

No. Like a nice pantsuit or something.

Are you married?Engaged. Oh, you are?

Hey, congratulations. That's one of the

most beautiful things, man. The day that

I proposed to my wife, I had to lay down

on the ground because I couldn't get down

on one knee. I'm still bigger than one

knee. You guys do any kind of swinging?

I'm at work right now. I can't talk about

that. You should try a little l*sbian

little person, actually. It might satisfy

you in a way you never imagined. I've

never tried anything like that. Yeah, of

course not. That's why I say you should.

I mean, your husband, you guys, I'm sure

when you get married, it's the right

thing to do is take care of your husband.

I agree. I give her the oral sex anytime

she wants it. Well, she's lucky. And I'll

tell you what her private parts taste

like. Maple syrup. Well, that's good. So

you want to get in on this?You want to

try it?Try out the tiny two way. I've got

to get going. I have quite a line here.

So listen, I'll send her in. You know,

you might. You might miss her though,

cause she's she's practically invisible.

ohh We're always walking around. I'm sure

we'll catch her. We got little

one-year-olds we catch. With big nets or

just with your bare hands?All right,

I have to get you going. All right, once

you go m*dget you'll always have digits.

Up in your buttI'll see you later. OK,

thank you.

Thank you for calling to Biltmore Coffee

Plantation, Mr. Tracy. Yes, this is

Ezekiel Maku. I am minister and head

of the realm of Muhammad at offshoot of

the Nation of Islam, and I'm calling

to complain to you, Sir, about the

outrage that you have set against the

black community. Now I want to speak to a

manager because I am outraged. Well, Sir,

you want to talk to a manager?Yes, I do

want to talk to someone. I want to talk

to the person that is in charge of this

place. You're talking to the manager

right now. Now you would just not be

emotional and get in that time. I have



And so don't tell me not to be emotional.

Sir, the name of your restaurant is

offensive. Plantation.

Do I expect to come into your coffee shop

and be whipped on my backside?Why are you

yelling at me about the name?Why don't

you call it Coffee Concentration Camp?How

about that?No, 'cause the Jews.

The Jews would be angry, wouldn't they?

If your coffee were not as fantastic, I

would never come there. But it is good.

Now, are you okay with this name?I'm not

the person that you are having an

offensive problem with. The phone number

to the office is...



I've got a... I've got a restaurant to

run. Look, let's just calm down. You're a

little hustled now. You're going a little

crazy, so calm down. Just calm down. You

started with the anger of 400 years.

So I've got to go. Bye.

Coffee Plantation. Yes. Is this the Home

Office for Coffee Plantation?Yes, it is.

Now I called to complain about the name

of your company. But there's nothing

wrong with the name, Sir. What do you

mean there's nothing wrong with it?Do you

know what took place on plantations?Yes.

But do you know that there still are

plantations for coffee right now in

different parts of the world?What?

And you know what goes on in those places?

You lying. People get paid to work. Are

they beaten?No. Even sometimes?

Nope. I'm from Africa. I'm African

American. OK, I'm African African. So you

just OK with the plantation thing?We want

to portray the people working in the

plantations. Having fun. That's our idea.

Now see, now when let me say this, maybe

because you African, you don't understand

the history of sl*very because you was

over there celebrating and having a good

time because you was fast enough to get

away from the white sl*ve catchers. But

we over here, we got caught and we had to

work on plantations that wasn't so happy.

I mean, you know, maybe sometimes it was

happy like a wedding, but most of the

time it was bad. I'm telling you, is the

coffee plantation name is it's not

cotton plantation or sl*very plantation.

It's all about. How about renaming it

the Coffee Serving Place?Oh, that's not a

good name, Sir. Wait a minute. Wait a

minute. Do you serve coffee?Yes. And is

it a place?Yes. Thank you. Sir, this

name has been for 14 years. We're not

going to change the name. You need to

have some kind of disclaimer then up

there. You need to put on the sign Coffee

Plantation and then maybe in parentheses,

not the beaten kind. What's your name?