02x28 - Wanda Sykes & Adam Carolla

[bunniefuu]

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others. Maybe even your mother

wants to join the Crank Yankers tonight.

Crank Yankers.

You guys ruined my pictures. We did. Yes,

you did. OK. I don't know what you did in

the processing, but these pictures are

ruined. They're no good. OK, well, bring

in the negative. We'll have a look at

them. Yeah, I mean, see, I know camera's

supposed to add 10 lbs, but good Lord,

look like 50 lbs. It look like I got

two big old watermelons hiding in my a*s

OK, well, bring them in and we'll have a

look at them. OK. And and why do I look

Chinese in all my pictures too?I'm

squinting. I don't know. We all we do

is we process them. I tell you, I'm like

my a*s like a hot air balloon.

OK, well, what's your name?Gladys Murphy.

Gladys Murphy. OK, Gladys, bring in the

negatives. Then we'll have a look at them

to see if it was our machine. No, I

didn't get in the negatives or nothing. I

but I got a negative attitude toward

these pictures. I tell you that. OK. I

need 2 frames for each of my a*s cheeks.

OK, two zip codes, too. Ohh

What you trying to say that that's just

me?That I'm just big?Yeah, I guess. I

don't know you. I've never met you. No,

you. Did you just call me a fat assHey,

I'm fat, too. Well, just because your

a*s is fat, that don't mean everybody in

America is big. I ain't

that a this . Put that fat b*stard back

on the phone. Rocky, he hung up on me.

Um, let me check. Hang on.

Ma'am, if you're gonna be belligerent

with me, I don't want to speak to you.

You called me fat first. You said my a*s

needed its own zip code. You called me

fat first. Sorry, I'm sorry, I apologize.

Okay, well, don't hang up on me or get

your little fat fingers just accidentally

hit the dial button. You're funny. I like

you. Well, I like you too, Rocky, but we

got to do something about these pictures.

Well, OK, like I said, bring them in,

Gladys, and we'll take a look at them and

we'll see what we can do for them, OK?Oh,

wait a minute. Oh, sh**t. Wait a minute.

You know what?I just put my glasses on

and these ain't my pictures. Who the hell

are these people?Rocky, I'm looking at

the fattest Chinese people you have ever

seen. Good grief.

Who's that Annie Murphy movie?The clumps.

Oh, yes, the nutty professor. They should

call these the chunks. You should see

these fat bastardsThey must be sumo

wrestlers. Good Lord. That's awesome.

Whoo. Here I am, hollered at you. I'm

sorry, Rocky. OK, no problem, Gladys. All

right. All right, we'll talk to you

later, OK?Bye, Rocky. Bye.

Hi, are you hiring?Um, not right

now. Well, when will you be hiring?

As it is right now, we have really too

many people. I'm a great worker. All

right. I would bust my a*s for that

market. OK. I love food. All

right. I love being around it.

I love the smell of it. I love to mop.

OK. I'm a people person. Yeah.

I won't cost much. All right. I'm cheaper

than a Mexican. All right. And I

work harder than a boatload of Koreans.

OK. So do I have the job?

I don't know. You would seriously have to

come up here and talk to Mark, 'cause I

don't do none of the hiring. Oh, really?

Yeah. Well, maybe I could replace

you. Yeah, that would be fine. You

don't like working there?It has its days.

Is Mark kind of an a-hole?Be honest with

me. He rides you pretty bad. Who is

this, anyway?Don't worry about who this

is. This could be your next boss.

Really. So I suggest you help. Oh.

You're the assistant manager?Yes. How

long you work there?About three and a

half years. Are you gonna work there

forever?Nah, I ain't planning on it. You

a married man?Nope.

g*y?Nope.

HmmHmmSound a little q*eer. Really?Okay.

Is Judy there?Judy who?Judy

dumbest guy I ever met. Okay. All

right. I'm just busting your ba*ls.

Oh, okay. We're gonna have a good time

working together. Alright, that'd be

nice. You gotta get off the drugs. Yeah,

that's what it is. That bad shitI mean, I

can hear it. Really?Yeah, really.

Mark is not gonna like this. Probably

not. Alright.

Okay. You are boring the hell out of me.

Alright. Can you please hang up the phone?

Hello. Hi, my name is Kurt, but I go

by Tobias. I'm a telepsychic,

but this will not cost you a penny. I'm

just trying to hone my skills before I

take it out into the workplace. OK. If

you don't mind, I'll just give you a

quick reading over the phone. OK. All

right. First, there's a part of

you that you show the outer world. Yes.

There's a part of you that's been

approved for Tobias and the rest of the

world to see. And then there's a part of

you that's hidden inside. Yes.

Yes. YesTobias knows.

Single woman. Yes. YesI do have a

husband. Yes. You do have a husband. Yes.

YesThat's what Tobias. You have children.

Yes. YesYour daughter. I have

no daughter. I have boys. You cut me off.

But Tobias was about to say your daughter

don't have one. Why bring her up?Yes.

One son. Excessive masturbator.

I've got two sons. The other son. One's

mine and one's a stepchild. Mm-hmmThe

stepson, he enjoys the company of men,

yes?Mm-hmm

But you love him anyway, yes?You accept

his lifestyle?Uh, I don't know if I

accept that type of lifestyle. The

spirits told Tobias, he's here, he's

q*eer. Tobias needs you to get used to

it. Tobias also knows that there's a Cult

Roundup magazine in between the mattress

and box spring, yes?But you love your

child. Yes. Yeah. Your son's

room. Very neat and well decorated.

Yes. No. During the summer

months, you have seen him in mock

turtlenecks. Yes. No.

The frames of his glasses. A little

hip. Yes. No.

But he wears glasses. Yes. Correct.

Yes. Tobias knows

you have a secret burning attraction for

your stepson. Yes. Oh, how

disgusting. Forbidden fruit. Yes. Oh,

no. After a glass of wine or two,

your thoughts stray. Yes. You're an

amorous woman. Yes. You're a tigress.

Yes. No. Tobias knows.

Tobias can smell passion on a woman

or possibly a yeast infection. Tobias,

you need to work a little bit more on

your psychic abilities.

You worked with torpedoes in the Navy.

Yes. Used to. And you

also worked with the Tomahawk and harpoon

missiles. Yes. Yeah, you're obviously

reading my resume. How dare you insult

Tobias by questioning his

integrity. You

trained staff on software program

and WordPerfect 5.1, Yes.

Also did weight testing and handling and

stowage and maintenance. Yep, keep

reading. You're doing a good job. How

dare you?Can Tobias have your g*y son's

phone number?Yes. So you've got

problems?Yes. Goodbye.

Yes.

Thank you for holding. May I help you?

Hello. Is this the dentist office?Yes, it

is. Wonderful. This is Niall Standers

calling. My ivories are a

shambles. I have a bit of a sweet tooth.

I absolutely love the butter toffees.

OK. I've been a very naughty eater.

You've been naughty. Indeed I have, love.

Now I have a couple quick cues for you

about your dentists. My mouth is quite

sensitive. Is the dentist gentle?Yes.

Wonderful. And as far as anesthetics

go, does the dentist have gas?Yes.

Well, I certainly hope he doesn't fluff

in my face. You see what I did?

I said, does he have gas?You said yes.

And I said I hope he doesn't fluff in my

face. I got you, didn't I, love?Yes, you

did. That is too funny. I

had a bit of free time on my hands, so I

was just playing around with the jelly.

I'm quite lonely.

Good afternoon. This is Pam.

Hi, Pam. I'm calling about the

receptionist's job. Are you sure

you have the right number?Yeah. It's my

dad's friend that told told me to call

that they were that, I don't know, they

were getting rid of receptionist or

whatever. And I was just calling. Well,

you know what?You can talk to Nancy if

you'd like. Are you are you quitting or

something?No, I'm not.

No, I I don't know what to do. I mean, I

was supposed to call, I guess after

hours, but I think I called too early.

This is so awkward for me. I I hate to

get in the middle of this. Well, I

suggest that you call and talk to

somebody who knows more, or else I can

transfer you now. Whichever you would

like. Nancy. Mhm.

Yeah. Maybe she'd be able to help you.

Why don't you hold on just a minute?

This is Nancy. May I help you?Hi. I'm

calling about the office administrative

job. Is

this the right number?Yeah. The

office administrator job. Yeah.

Let me let you talk to Bruce. Who are you?

Are you the office administrator?Uh-huh

Oh, what does Bruce do?He's the

managing partner. Oh, man, because my

dad's. That's who my dad's friends would.

He recommended a job. He said that they

were getting rid of the office

administrator or something. Is this. I'll

have to ask him just a second. No, I

mean, I'm sorry. That's OK.

Maybe I. Hold on. Hold on.

I didn't want to break the news to you, I

guess. Leah, let me talk to Bruce. Yeah.

So sorry.

This is Bruce. Can I help you?Hi. I was

calling about the managing partner job.

Really. You're looking for. Who am I

speaking with here?Oh, this is Bobby

Fletcher. You're. What are you responding

to, Bob?We're not looking for a managing

partner. Are you the managing partner?

Yeah, I am. My dad's friend told me to

call. I guess they were. He's friends

with Mr. and I guess they were looking

for. A new managing partner. But are you

quitting by any chance?Nope. And who's

your dad?Mr. Fletcher. They can get rid

of me if they want. They can do my job.

No, I not a problem. No, I apparently. I

guess you guys are all getting fired and

I'm taking over. Now I got better things

to do, bud. You know, you have to take a

hike. We'll see you later. Bye.

Sorry Chuck.

May I help you?Hello.

HelloHelloYes. May I help you?Uh,

book a trip I for I for

for me to book trip. OK.

Where would you like to go?My fam

family to take.

Cruise. OK. Cruise.

Yes. Right. A cruise. Cru. Cruise.

When would you like to go?

January. January. Yes.

Please. OK.

For my family cruise.

Yes. Are there pets allowed

on a cruise?No. Oh, OK.

How much for a cruise?How

long?How many days?How

many?How many days or

nights?Do the packages include

meals?Yes, the packages include

meals. How?HowHow much?

Where do you want to go?Cozumel.

How many people do I have on the phone

here?For just for

me. For Hello.

Yes. Climate. Heat.

Yes. How much?How much

for me?There's a lot of variables

there. There's there's a lot of places

that are warm. Very bubbles.

Variables. Things that change. Where do

you want to go?How long do you want to

cruise?First class all the way, by the

way. No steerage on this one. There's no

such thing as steerage. How many people

do I have on the phone?

I've got you and I've got somebody who

speaks English real well. I'll I'll I

learn English. I I know

some for I can talk

well sometimes and then I

sometimes don't don't know.

It's really weird.

Sounds like I have two different people

on the telephone here.

No, I I'm at home just kicking

back. I'm getting a little hungry

here. Let's let's do this. Yeah.

Call me back when you're done yanking my

chain.

Hello. Louise Rogers, please. This

is she. Louise, it's Tony DeLoge, your

district selectman. OK. All

right. I would like to run by something

for you in the coming election, and I

hope you agree with me. Will you please

vote yes on Proposition 42B?

OK. All right. I'll write that down. Yes,

please. All righty. Vote no

on Proposition 32A. OK.

All right. Will do. Are you writing that

down?I am. Would you run it back to me,

please?42 A vote

yes. No, 42 B. If you vote



OK, 42 B. All right.

Yes. And what that does is, may I ask

you, are you over 40?I am. All

right, 42 B will allow anybody over



interested in that?Yes. Good. Have

you ever had Botox?No. Well, you'd

love it. It takes all the wrinkles out of

your face. OK, that's

good. That's what I need. All right. I

want you to vote no on 1B. All

right. No on 6A. I've got that.

Yes on 100F.

OK. No on 16D.

OK. And yes on 34 double D.



Is that what you said?No. 34 double D

Yes. All right. I've got it written down.



with a double D, it's a yes. OK. Would

you like to hear a joke?Yes.

OK. A guy goes into a bar and the

bartender's there and there's a monkey in

a cage behind the bar. And the guy said,

hey, what's the monkey for?Bartender

said, forget it. This goes on for a long

time. Finally, he says, all right, you

want to see what the monkey's for?And the

bartender opens a cage. The monkey comes

out and the bartender hits the monkey

over the head with a baseball bat and the

monkey drops to his knees and gives the

bartender oral. You know what?The

guy says, I don't believe it. The

bartender said, you want to try it?He

said, yeah, but don't hit me so hard with

the bat. Is that a good one?