01x06 - The Prowler

[bunniefuu]

[opening music]

Come on.

Come on.

[makes kissing sounds] Vienna, come on.

You don't wanna stay out in this.

It's getting foggy.

Come on.

This is the night the catmen come.

Come on, come on.

You don't wanna stretched across a tennis racket, do you?

God, where are you?

What are you doing?

[yowling]

Oh, god I might have known it.

You'll get those ears torn off one of these nights.

They have clothes pegs as it is.

[yowling]

[sighs] No wonder you haven't got the strength to get

out of that chair all day.

Lucky.

[screaming]

Ms. Jones?

Ms. Jones?

I'm coming, Ms. Jones.

Ms. Jones, what's the matter?

It was awful.

Just now in my room, I saw this shadow.

Oh, you'd better sit down.

You've gone ashen.

I feel quite faint.

All right, Ms. Jones.

Should I loosen your clothing?

No, no, no.

That won't be necessary.

Perhaps if you put your head between your knees.

I always think that looks so ungainly, Mr. Rigsby.

Besides, I feel much better now.

Ah, well, well, what happened?

Well, I got up to get some water for my red tablets.

I turned round, and at the window

I saw this shadow and these horrible, staring eyes.

That's when I screamed.

I covered my face and screamed, aaah.

When I looked again, he'd gone.

Aah.

well, he's certainly not up here now, Ms. Jones.

Are you quite sure you saw someone?

I mean, you know, the light can play very funny tricks,

you know? - Well, of course.

I'm sure.

I saw those horrible, staring eyes.

Could it have been a reflection?

Certainly not.

If you don't believe me, Mr. Rigsby--

No, no, no.

Of course I believe you, Ms. Jones.

You know, I just--

just wondered how he could have got up here.

You know there's no drainpipe.

I don't know how he got up here.

Perhaps he used a trampoline.

Perhaps he's a nocturnal pole vaulter.

All I know is he was in my room.

Yes, yes, yes.

Now, all right.

Now, now, you must-- you must try and keep calm.

You've had a very nasty shock, but you must keep calm.

Question is, where is he now?

You don't think he's still out there?

Well, he could be.

Then again, he could be in the house.

Oh, Mr. Rigsby.

Yeah.

I don't think I should leave your side tonight, Ms. Jones.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, what was he doing up here in your room?

You don't mean--

Hmm.

He didn't come up here just to leave a box of milk tray,

did he?

I mean, you could have been another victim

of the permissive society.

Are there really people like that, Mr. Rigsby?

Oh, you'd be amazed.

There's a lot of it about Ms. Jones, yes.

Yes.

I wonder why those two didn't come down when you screamed.

I suppose they could be in bed.

Yeah, they'll be suffering from another energy crisis.

You mean there's no heating?

No, I mean they've no energy.

I'll just, uh-- I'll just have a quick look around, Ms. Jones.

Now, you keep your door locked.

Well, you be careful, Mr. Rigsby.

Don't worry, Ms. Jones.

I'm not easily frightened.

And after Anzio, every day is a bonus.

I don't know what this place is coming to.

Ms. Jones has just had an intruder.

What?

Yeah.

She's very upset about it.

Why, did he get away?

Look, look, it's not funny.

Respectable woman can't get a night's sleep without some sex

maniac bursting in.

My.

Hey, where's your mate?

He's having a bath.

He's always having a bath.

There's nothing wrong with having a bath, Rigsby.

[sighs] How would you know?

You've been here six months, the name hasn't gone off your soap

yet.

Do you know, I sometimes think you only

keep it in that bathroom as a status symbol.

Hey.

I, uh-- I suppose he is having a bath.

Of cour-- you're not suggesting it was Philip.

Oh.

- Did she say it was Philip? - No.

No, it was too dark.

She couldn't distinguish his features.

Well, she wouldn't, would she, as long

as he remembered not to smile.

Philip's not like that.

We don't know what he's like.

He's no different from me.

That's no recommendation.

Look, just because he's black, Rigsby--

I mean, we're all the same underneath.

We're all 70% water.

Speak for yourself.

It's true.

We're all 70% water.



We'd ooze all over the floor.

And we're not all the same underneath, either.

- Yes, we are. - All right.

All right. We're all the same.

If they're the same as us, why do they

always break down on the M1?

Do they?

Haven't you seen 'em?

Staring with childlike bewilderment at the steaming

radiators?

Course they're not the same.

They can never be the-- and we didn't have any of this trouble

before he came here, either.

You're being ridiculous, Rigsby.

Uh-huh.

[sighs] I suppose it needn't have been him down there.

Well, I'm glad you admit it.

Could have been you.

Oh, now, hold on.

I've got examinations.

I ain't got time for things like that.

Hmm, not much.

Look at this. - Hey.

[scoffs] You've only got to turn to the first page and what

with the gravy stains on.

Underneath the silken sheets, the contours

of a firm, young body--

you know it's bad for your eyes, don't you?

What?

Small print.

This book has considerable literary merit.

Considerable literary-- that's hard porn,

that is, mate, handed over at midnight under a plain wrapper.

Ah, no wonder a woman's not safe anymore.

Oh, there you are.

What's the matter?

- Ruth's had an intruder. - What?

Yes.

She saw this dark, shadowy figure in her room.

Well, I reckon the only way he could have got into her room

was by the stairs.

I'm just checking up on everybody, all right?

Now, Spooner, couldn't be him, because he's away

at Wolverhampton wrestling.

He won't be back till 2:00.

Anyway, he's frightened of the dark.

So that just leaves the people in this room.

Yes, I see what you mean.

Where were you when this happened, Rigsby?

I was just putting--

hey, listen, mate.

I'm the one asking the questions, all right?

My god, what a country.

Oh, I suppose it wouldn't happen in your country.

No, not with the skinning men.

[laughs]

Skinning men, who are they?

We had people like that over to the skinning man,

and they skin them.

You mean alive?

Well, of course.

There wouldn't be much point if they weren't alive.

It's an art.

They're not supposed to break the skin.

It's considered unlucky.

Unlucky?

[scoffs]

[laughs]

Hey, bet that cures 'em, eh?

Bet they don't feel like sliding down the drain pipes after that.

Yes, we could do with a skinning man over here, I reckon.

Well, don't look at us, Rigsby.

We're studying.

We ain't got time for things like that, have we, Philip?

- Of course not. - Oh, yeah.

No, the bloke who had the room before you, he was studying.

Oh, very studious he was.

Ooh, busy, busy.

Eh, busy making the hole.

What hole?

Hole in the floor.

Ms. Jones underneath, getting undressed, ready

for bed one night, covered all over in plaster.

Had his hot, little eye to this hole in the floor.

I moved him on after that.

Why?

Wasn't there room for both of you?

Where is this hole?

It's, uh-- no, mind your own business.

Rigsby.

Rigsby, this intruder might be a burglar, you know?

What?

Yeah, he could be after all that money

you've got under the floorboards.

Look, I've told you before, I haven't got any money

under the floorboards. I'm a poor man.

Always have been.

You don't fool anybody with that tattered appearance,

Rigsby.

We all know about the miser's hoard.

It's probably a London mob.

I'll just have a quick, you know, look round.

You know, better be on the safe side.

Yes, yes.

Don't be alarmed, sir.

Detective Constable Baker, regional crime squad.

I hope you don't mind, sir, but you left your front door open.

It's a bit unwise this time of night,

especially as we've heard reports of a prowler being

in the vicinity.

Oh, a prowler?

DETECTIVE CONSTABLE BAKER: You haven't seen him, have you, sir?

Uh, no.

No, but Ms. Jones downstairs has.

He was in her room.

- She actually saw him? - Yes.

Well, I mean, just his shadow, you know?

I thought it was one of them across the hall.

Have you checked to see if there's anything missing?

Uh, I was just going to.

Yes, I'll wait, sir.

It's important to know what type of villain we're looking for.

Yes.

Just me holiday money.

DETECTIVE CONSTABLE BAKER: Is it all there, sir?

Hang on.

Yeah.

Should I-- should I put it back?

Yes.

I don't see why not, sir.

Better than unittrusts.

We'll all be needing a little hole like that

if things go on as they are.

Of course, he may not be after money.

You say he was in Ms. Jones' room?

Uh, yes, sir.

Well, I'd better go and see her.

Then after that, I'll question the others.

For all we know, the prowler may live in this house.

[knocking]

Yes?

Ah.

Oh, don't be alarmed, Ms. Jones.

This gentleman is a police officer.

Oh, I'm so relieved.

You don't know how glad I am to see you, Officer.

I'd just like to ask a few questions.

Of course, I knew you were a policeman.

You look so clean-cut--

--and resolute.

Don't you think so, Mr. Rigsby?

Can't say I noticed.

I'm sure you'll soon catch him.

You look so determined. - Yeah.

And then what'll happen, eh?

I suppose they'll pat him on the head,

tell him not to be a naughty boy.

He'll be remanded for a report, and there'll

be three doctors saying he had trouble with his potty

in early infancy.

If you don't mind, sir, I'd like to ask Ms. Jones

a few questions in private.

Of course.

I'll be outside if anybody needs me.

Now, miss--

Do you want me on the setee?

Yes, miss.

Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

Ask me as many questions as you like.

Thank you, miss.

I once went out with the policeman.

Oh, really?

- Some years ago. - Uh-huh.

Of course it didn't last.

Yes, of course.

He would wear his uniform all the time.

People thought I was being arrested.

Well, I wonder if--

I had to keep swinging my arms to show we weren't handcuffed

together.

I see.

And he was in constant touch by shortwave radio.

It was very distressing in a tender moment

to hear he was investigating suspicious movements

at the rear of the high street.

Hey, where are you going?

I think I'll take a look around.

Hey, you be careful.

You're already under suspicion.

- But I was having a bath. - I know.

I've told him that.

But you know what he's like.

Actually, I thought he suspected you.

Oh, no, it was you he suspected.

Oh, that whole thing's ridiculous.

Of course it is.

Who wants to see Ms. Jones in her harvest festivals?

Quite.

Where were you when this happened, Alan?

I was up here--

hey, now, wait a minute.

I was here all the time.

Well.

Well, that's good.

Even got the police here now.

Oh, no, not the police?

Hmm.

What's the matter?

Your library book overdue?

By time we had a bit of law and order round here, anyway.

Where's your mate? Packing his bags?

[laughs] - No.

He'd better watch out.

He's gonna see British justice at work now-- painstaking

and implacable.

Police force are just the tools

of the establishment, Rigsby, sent here to perpetuate

the capitalist system.

Oh.

It's 'cause they caught you riding without lights?

[laughs]

Hey, he's taking a statement from Ms. Jones.

He'll be up here to ask you a few questions in a minute.

You better straighten yourself up, keep

your hands out your pockets.

You think he'll believe me if I keep

me hands out of me pockets?

Hey, you watch it.

You might get your collar felt before the night's out.

- Oh, Mr. Rigsby. - Oh, right.

Taken a statement from the lady.

Now, where are the others?

Uh, upstairs.

I wouldn't trust either of 'em. - Why?

What do they do?

As little as possible.

Supposed to be students.

- Students. - Yes.

I thought that'd furrow your brow.

Real pair of troublemakers.

There's nothing they like better than rolling marbles

under police horses.

I wonder if I know them.

Yes, you probably do.

One of 'em's has got long hair and surgical boots.

The other one's black with tribal marks.

He could turn nasty if it's a full moon.

Now, look, if he gives you any trouble, kick him in the groin.

They're sensitive there. All right?

So am I, sir.

This way?

[laughs]

Looking for something, sir?

[playful music]

Here.

Oh.

Thank you, Mr. Rigsby.

Now, sir, you were up here at the time of the incident.

Yes.

DETECTIVE CONSTABLE BAKER: Is there

anyone can substantiate that?

Well, no.

Ah.

And you didn't hear the scream?

No.

I'm not surprised with all that foliage.

You can hardly see, let alone hear.

Bloody sheepdog.

Please, Mr. Rigsby.

See, that's what he's got against me.

He doesn't trust me 'cause I've got long hair.

Look, I didn't trust Hitler, but it

wasn't because of his mustache.

Please, sir, I'm just trying to ask a few questions.

Yes, of course.

Suppose you get pretty lonely up here, sir.

Yes.

Well, no.

Not-- not really.

Are you sure you're getting enough exercise?

Yes.

Yes, I go for walks late at night.

Oh, well, no, not too late.

Quite early, really.

I understand you're a student, sir.

Yes.

What are you studying.

Not divinity, I hope.

Actually, I'm studying medicine.

This is very worthy.

A real vocation.

He'll never make a doctor.

He lies on that bed all day, protesting about unemployment.

Gets his orders straight from the Kremlin.

- Rigsby. - Yeah.

Do you know what they're gonna do when they get in power?

They're gonna hang me from the nearest lamppost.

He's told me that already.

And I fought to save democracy.

Eh?

We said we wanted a land fit for heroes.

What do we get, eh?

Streakers.

There's nothing shameful in the human body, Rigsby.

Well, we don't want in the middle of bloody Woolworths,

do we?

Well, what's the country coming to, eh?

I mean, suppose you're taking your mother out.

Yeah, that first walk in the spring,

sunshine leaning on her stick, admiring the flowers.

And what happens, eh?

Some silly sod comes dashing out of the bushes, stark naked

with flowers in her hair.

That's enough to give her a heart attack.

All right, sir.

We ain't paying for this lot, you know.

You know, we're keeping these students.

Supposed to be the cream of the country.

What do we get, eh?

Football hooligans in sandals.

My son happens to be a student, sir.

Eh?

Oh, you know, of course there are some nice ones.

Bound to be, yes.

Some decent lads.

Some-- some-- some very nice lads.

Do you smoke?

I don't normally, sir, but thank you.

Tipped.

Thank you, sir.

Now, sir, have you ever been in trouble with us before?

Yes.

I see.

And what was that for?

A summons for having a faulty rear light.

Well, we hardly call that form, sir.

What are you looking for, eh? Prints?

Pieces of fiber?

Strand of hair?

As a matter of fact, I was looking for an ashtray.

I think it might be an idea if we go down to Ms. Jones' room.

Ah, returning to the scene of the crime, eh?

No, actually, I thought it'd be warmer down there.

And I want to ask Ms. Jones a few more questions.

If you just follow me.

Yes, right, sir.

Hey.

So he's playing it cool, eh?

Do you mean--

He knows who it is.

Gonna confront him with the principal witness.

Normal police tactics.

Can't you feel the net tightening?

Come on.

Oh, Well, have you solved the mystery?

Ah, not yet, miss.

And who is this gentleman?

Oh, this is Mr. Smith.

He's from Africa.

You didn't think he was from the Arctic, did you?

He's the son of a chief.

Oh, really?

I hope you're settling in all right here, sir.

Yes, thank you.

Not too cold for you?

Aren't you going to ask him any questions?

Please, Mr. Rigsby, I'm conducting this investigation.

Investigation?

It's more like a diplomatic exchange, isn't it?

In his country, we'd have been over to the skinning man

long before this, you know?

We'd have been down to the bone by now.

Well, why don't you ask him where he was when it happened?

I was having a bath.

Well, there'd hardly be any witness to that,

would there, sir? [laughs]

Yeah.

We did 'em better with security guards.

Now, Ms. Jones, I know you said the intruder was in shadow,

but is there anything you can tell us about him?

Only those horrible, staring eyes.

Oh, yes, those eyes.

Uh, you haven't noticed anything suspicious

in the last couple of days?

I mean, nobody's followed you home?

Nobody's made advances?

No.

Oh, there was a man on the train.

He had a leather jacket with his name on the back.

Steve, I think it was.

DETECTIVE CONSTABLE BAKER: Yes, miss?

He was singing, they try to tell us we're too young.

His eyes were burning into me.

Well, what happened?

He began experimenting with the light switch,

so I moved to another compartment.

I thought he might have been a Hell's Angel.

Well, that's hardly likely, miss.

They usually travel around on motorbikes.

Well, I thought he might have had a puncture.

Of course, he need not be an outsider.

He could be someone in this room.

No,

It's a well-known fact we're in greater

danger from the people we know.

There's many a woman expecting to receive

a warm embrace, only to feel the slash of cold steel.

Oh.

A real bundle of fun, you are, aren't you?

Well, since nothing was missing,

we'll have to look for darker motives.

Well, I want to conduct a little experiment.

Will you gentlemen line up over here, please?

No, don't you look, please, Ms. Jones.

Now, we'll have the lights out, and then I want you to touch

the man most like the prowler.

Oh.

Well, now we're getting somewhere.

This is so exciting.

It's like Paul Temple.

Just keep your eyes closed, Ms. Jones.

Hey, this isn't an identity parade, is it?

Why? What are you frightened of?

Well, I've been on one of them before.

Oh? What was that for?

Well, I don't know.

I just lined up with these other fellows,

and this girl came along the line.

And when she got to me, she burst into tears.

Well, they questioned me for two hours,

and I only went there to claim me fountain pen.

It's your shifty, criminal face.

No, it isn't.

It's because everyone else had donkey jackets on.

Would somebody please put the lights out?

Right, miss, off you go.

RUTH JONES: Coming, ready or not.

Oh.

DETECTIVE CONSTABLE BAKER: No, miss, that's me.

Would you just start again, please?

RUTH JONES: Yes.

I should say this one.

DETECTIVE CONSTABLE BAKER: Right.

Hey, hey, hang on, just a minute.

Wait a minute.

What would-- you couldn't-- you couldn't possibly--

Don't get worried, sir.

Just trying to build up a picture.

Nothing personal.

Well, I should hope not.

Now, where were you exactly when you heard the scream?

I was at the--

I thought you said it was nothing personal.

Sir, I wonder if this has any significance.

I found it outside, below the window.

Uh, comb.

Couple of teeth missing.

Very dirty.

Yeah, just what you'd expect.

Could be the breakthrough, eh?

Looks like yours.

Rigsby.

Uh, oh.

Yes, I must have--

I must have, uh, dropped it, you know, when I was, uh--

when I was cleaning the windows.

What are you all staring at?

Would you excuse us for a few moments, please?

Yes, of course.

I'd like to ask Mr Rigsby a few more questions.

Yes.

Sit down, Rigsby.

What happened to the mister all of a sudden?

Just a few questions.

Nothing personal. - Not much.

You shouldn't be asking me questions.

You should be out there with them.

Look, I'm a wraith, but I'm a respectable member

of this community.

- Just a few questions. - Oh, yeah.

DETECTIVE CONSTABLE BAKER: Don't you want to help?

Help? Help the police?

What does that ever get you, eh? Trouble.

Listen, I've helped the police before.

Listen. Listen.

I saw-- I saw a woman knocked down once.

It was late at night.

She was riding a bike.

She didn't have any lights on, but it

wouldn't have made any difference

because the driver was slewed.

When I went across, she was lying in the gutter.

I told the driver what I thought of him,

then I went in the box, phoned for the ambulance.

While I was in there, the rotten sod got in his car, drove off.

Hadn't even got his number.

Well, you didn't pass by on the other side.

Just a minute.

I haven't finished yet, have I?

As I was coming out of the box, the woman

got up, shook herself, jumped on the bike,

pedaled off down the road.

She went like the wind.

Nobody could have caught up with her.

When the police and the ambulance came,

I was the only one there.

So what happened?

They arrested me for being drunk and disorderly.

I see, sir.

Do you live alone here?

Yes.

I suppose you get rather lonely.

No, I don't.

Is there a Mrs. Rigsby?

RIGSBY: There was.

She's gone.

You mean disappeared?

No, I mean gone.

She left me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm not.

Ah, it was a big mistake.

We got married during wartime.

You know, glamour of the uniform.

[laughs] Yeah. we were on ration, then.

Been on ration ever since.

I suppose you realize I have to ask these questions.

Questions?

These-- these are not questions.

This is the third degree, isn't it?

You've made your mind up, haven't you?

What?

When are you gonna get it over with?

When are you gonna slip the bracelets on?

I suppose you take me down to the station

now, knock hell out of me.

- Oh, Mr. Rigsby. - What are you gonna do?

Hit me where It doesn't show?

What, am I gonna have one of those nasty accidents

in the cell door?

Well, we don't do things like that.

You keep your hands off me, you fascist.

God, I spend five years fighting blokes like you.

The only difference was they were covered in swastikas.

Five years honorable for king and country,

and you don't even believe a word I say.

But I do.

What?

DETECTIVE CONSTABLE BAKER: I do believe you.

Do you?

Of course.

I think I'm a pretty good judge of character, Mr. Rigsby.

You don't spend 20 years in the force

without knowing when someone's telling the truth.

I go by the face.

You're an honest man, Mr. Rigsby.

I can tell that.

If there were a few more around like you, we'd be out of a job.

Well, better make a search of the area.

You're not going, eh?

Yes, I'm not gonna find the man in this house.

I'll just go upstairs and check all the windows and everything.

And don't worry about me.

I'll see myself out.

I've always said our police are the best in the world.

Thank you, Mr. Rigsby.

Good night, sir.

Good night, Officer.

What happened, Mr. Rigsby?

Hm.

You know what he said to me?

He said I was an honest man.

He could tell by my face.

It's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me, that.

Can't make many arrests, can he?

Yes, mate, it's blokes like that that are

the backbone of this country.

What's that?

What?

There's somebody on the landing.

- It must be the prowler. - He's coming here.

Through the door.

You keep away, you.

We've called the police,

POLICE OFFICER: Don't be silly, sir, we are the police.

Oh, beg your pardon.

Oh, sorry to trouble you, but we're

looking for a man who's been entering

the houses in this vicinity.

Oh, yes, we know all about him.

Yes, we know all about him.

Well, we'd like you to keep your eye open for him.

He's medium height-- five foot ten--

clean shaven with fairly long, brown hair.

Yeah.

Now, he's known to be posing as a detective.

- Yeah. - Ms. Jones had him down there.

A dete-- oh, my god, me box, me box.

[closing music]

[applause]

[music continues]