02x01 - The Permissive Society

[bunniefuu]

[audio logo]

[theme music]

What time did you say you were meeting them?

About 9:00.

It was nice of you to ask me, Philip.

I really do appreciate it.

That's all right.

ALAN: What's mine like?

She's a very sweet, sensitive girl.

You mean she's ugly?

She's not ugly.

She's very attractive.

Good.

Why am I getting her then?

Because she's a friend of this girl I'm seeing.

They wanted a foursome.

They said if I knew someone reasonably presentable

with a pleasing personality to bring him along.

And you thought of me?

No, he couldn't come.

- What about Ruth? - Ruth?

ALAN: Yeah.

Does she know you're seeing this girl?

That doesn't matter anymore.

You see, I've told her.

What, about the 10 wives?

Yes.

How'd she take it?

Well, she wasn't very pleased.

You know how she hates crowds.

She was quite upset about it.

Think she'll start reaching for the aspirins?

I hope not. What could I do?

I had to make a clean break.

You have to be cruel.

It's kinder in the long run.

Good looks can be a curse sometimes.

Where are we going tonight then?

I thought we'd go for a drink then back to their place.

They've got a self-contained flat.

A self-contained flat?

I'll have to put a clean vest on.

Alan.

Excuse me. - Hello.

Yeah.

Hey, is there plenty of hot water, Rigsby?

Why? What do you want to know for?

I want to have a bath.

Now, look, I'm not having you in there

all night preening yourself.

Once you get in front of that full length mirror,

you lose all track of time.

It's no good having a good body if you don't appreciate it.

Oh, yes.

I wouldn't mind if it stopped there.

Last time you were in there, you were

trying to see how high you could get your foot marks up the wall.

Left that place swimming in water.

Hey, I think I'll use my soap bunny.

Are you sure?

Oh, you've had him such a long time.

Well, he has to get wet sometimes.

Hey, what's this?

The masculine spray to brighten up any man's bath time.

Masculine.

If I know you, you'll come out of that bathroom

looking like Veronica Lake.

Who's Veronica Lake?

Who's Veronica-- don't you know anything?

She's a very famous film star.

Long flowing hair.

You're a lot like her, except she wore less jewelry.

Don't you worry about me, Rigsby.

Times have changed.

You don't have to go about smelling of old socks anymore.

You just make sure there's plenty of hot water.

Is there going to be any room for it?

Look-- look-- look-- look at this stuff.

You realize you're damaging the atmosphere with this, don't you?

Here, what's this, fly spray?

Well, that's to keep my hair in place.

It's very useful if I get caught in the rain.

Caught-- you never get caught in the rain.

You won't go out until you've heard the weather forecast.

Look, if you want to keep your hair in place,

keep it tidy, why don't you do what I do?

Use soap and water.

You know why, Rigsby.

Because when you get caught in the rain,

you come out in little bubbles.

I can't afford that.

I've got a date tonight.

Oh, I thought so.

I wondered why we were having this sudden interest

in personal hygiene.

What's she like? - I haven't met her yet.

Philip's arranged it.

You mean she hasn't seen you?

ALAN: No.

She's in for a shock then.

Look, Philip asked me because I

happen to be the sophisticated type they were looking for.

Sophisticated.

What are you going to wear, your Donald Duck shirt or those jeans

with Come and Get Me on the crotch.

Hey, that's a point.

What am I going to wear?

Oh, what am I going to wear.

Hey, hey, Philip, what am I going to wear?

RIGSBY: Philip, what am I going to wear?

I don't know. Wear what you like.

It doesn't matter.

Well, look, I believe in preparation.

I mean, I want this to go like a well planned military campaign.

Why don't you wear your RAF overcoat then?

Well planned military.

Look, you're only jealous, Rigsby.

Jealous?

Hey, did I tell you, hey?

These girls, they've got a self-contained flat.

I can see it now.

Three vodkas, a few packets of cheese and onion crisps,

and Geronimo.

Oh, listen to him.

He never talked like this before you came, you know.

My god, you've changed.

Even your voice has got deeper.

It's better than being furtive about it, Rigsby.

No, it isn't.

I preferred it when he was being furtive.

Do you know, he arrived here with an ivory prayer

book in one hand and a teddy bear in the other?

Look at him now.

Fully paid up member of the permissive society.

Look, I haven't changed that much since--

Oh, yes, you have.

Before he came here, all you knew about a woman

was what you read in those magazines.

- No, it wasn't. - Yes, it was.

I used to see you hanging round in Smith's.

Pretend that he was looking for practical woodworker.

Yes, always turning to the center pages.

He thought all women looked like that, you know.

Yes, must have come as a great surprise to you

to find they hadn't got staples across their stomachs.

Look, there's nothing wrong in admiring the perfection

of the female form.

The perfection?

That's not perfection.

That's all accomplished with body makeup and sellotape.

You know, that's sexploitation, that.

I couldn't agree more, Rigsby.

In my country, we find that sort of thing degrading.

We don't feel sex is something to be sniggered at.

We don't read those sort of magazines.

Of course. Of course you don't.

You don't have time to read about it, do you?

No.

He's too busy doing it.

At least they don't have to draw diagrams for us, Rigsby.

No one has to tell us where the erogenous zones are.

Oh.

The what?

Erogenous zones, Rigsby.

Oh.

You don't know where they are.

Of course I do.

Somewhere near the equator, aren't they?

Told you.

He didn't know where the-- look, you're

the erogenous zones are those parts

of the body, which are most sensitive to sexual stimuli.

Oh, those erogenous zones.

Look, you take the ear.

That's an erogenous zone.

You blow in Miss Jones's ear and you'll

be staggered at the results.

Now, you watch your tongue.

I'm not having that sort of talk around here.

This is a respectable house.

Look, times have changed, Rigsby.

We believe in love without fear.

I seem to remember the last time you indulged in love

without fear, you spent three days under that bed hiding

from her father.

Oh, that was different.

He didn't like me. - He didn't?

Oh, really. That does amaze me.

I wonder what he could possibly have had against you.

Well, he said I was damaging his hedge.

We used to lean against it.

Yes, I can understand his feelings.

My god, he spends years raising his daughter to perfection,

to the flower of womanhood, and what happens?

Along comes this lonh-haired Herbert in surgical boots,

starts swinging on his gate, damaging his hedge,

and chatting up his daughter.

Well, there were other things.

He found these letters, and they were

open to certain interpretations.

I bet they were.

He said he was going to wring my neck.

He shouldn't have read your letters.

That's what I said.

Well, not to him, but that's what I said.

Bet you did.

Of course he should have read his letters.

It's his duty to protect his daughter.

She's his responsibility.

He's got to shelter that innocent girl

from the likes of you.

Do you know, when I was your age,

it was very important that, you know, the purity of a woman.

It was the finest gift a woman could give to a man

on their wedding night.

Now he has to make do with a set of cufflinks.

Just you remember, the permissive society stops

at that front door, all right?

We don't want any of in here.

[sobbing]

Miss Jones, are you all right?

Yes, thank you, Mr. Rigsby.

Are you quite sure, Miss Jones?

You look a little distraught.

Shall I make you a cup of tea?

Tea?

[laughs] My god, tea.

Why do you always think a cup of tea will solve everything?

I can see you're a coffee drinker, Miss Jones.

Oh, dear, been-- been watching the television again, have you?

Yeah, it's enough to give anybody the willies.

Yes, depression moving in from the North Sea,

another run on the pound, and Valerie Singleton's

shopping baskets up again.

I walked by the canal tonight.

It looked so inviting.

Just a splash and a short struggle and it

would all be over.

Now, now, Miss Jones, now, you mustn't talk like that.

Besides, you wouldn't get much of a splash out of that canal.

It's too full of prams.

And if you're thinking of doing anything like that, Miss Jones,

it'd be quicker to drink it.

You really mustn't be having these morbid thoughts,

Miss Jones.

I know things look a little black at the moment.

I can't take any more!

Yes, yes.

There, there, miss.

I do understand.

Is it the social contract, Miss Jones?

No, Mr. Rigsby.

No?

It's something more personal than that.

It's a man, isn't it?

An affair of the heart.

I'm afraid so, Mr. Rigsby.

Yes, well, if there's anything I can do,

Miss Jones, anything at all.

If you want him duffing up--

No.

--just say the word.

That won't be necessary.

It's the deception I can't stand.

Oh, yes, you see, you're too trusting, Miss Jones.

I suppose so.

What hurts even more, I've done his washing for three months.

He said no one could get his whites as white as I did.

Now he's got someone else.

Now, you don't know that, Miss Jones.

He could be using a launderette.

You just-- just tell me his name,

I'll be round there to have his tripes up before you can say--

Oh, no.

That'll only lead to unpleasantness.

No, no, I must try and forget him.

But it's so hard when you've had your finest feelings trodden on.

It's times like this, Mr. Rigsby,

when I envy the simple amoeba.

Ah.

The amoeba, Miss Jones?

Yes.

When they want to reproduce, they just wander off

and split themselves into two.

I know it doesn't sound very romantic,

but at least it would make life less complicated.

Don't you agree, Mr. Rigsby?

I've not given it a great deal of thought, Miss Jones.

Certainly put the lid on Marjorie Proops.

You see, this isn't the first time it's happened.

Oh.

Now, I didn't know that, Miss Jones.

I don't often talk about it.

Oh, it's all right. It doesn't mean--

The memory is still quite painful.

Yes, quite understand.

Not another word, yes.

He was plausible too.

So sensitive and charming, until he saw the wedding presents

and something seemed to snap.

He went.

So did the presents.

The last time I saw him, he was driving down

the road in a hired minivan with my father

clinging from the roof.

You do seem rather unfortunate in your choice

of men, Miss Jones.

Where do I go wrong, Mr. Rigsby?

Perhaps I should be more permissive.

No.

No, no, no.

No, no, you're an example to us all, Miss Jones someone to--

someone to look up to.

You're a tower of strength, Mr. Rigsby.

You see, Miss Jones, there's no--

there's no-- there's no respect anymore, you see.

They just don't know how to-- how to treat a--

to treat a woman of your refinement.

I'd consider it a great privilege if you'd--

if you'd allow me to help you pick up the pieces.

Is there a draft in here?

No.

Under the circumstances, do you think

perhaps it'd be a good thing if I stayed the night?

Oh, no, I shall soon be asleep.

Oh, I can easily bunk down on the settee.

No, I've taken a sleeping tablet.

Oh, all right.

But it is nice to know that there's someone in the house I

can respect, Mr. Rigsby.

Someone with standards.

Yes, of course, miss.

Well, there's very few of us left.

Yes.

Well, I'll be saying good night then, Miss Jones.

Good night, Mr. Rigsby.

Yes, right.

[cat yowls]

Not again.

My god.

Well, what's the matter?

You know what's the matter.

It was a disaster, and it was your fault.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I thought it was going to be three

vodkas, a few packets of cheese and onion crisps, and Geronimo.

Oh, well, I hadn't met them then.

I mean, they seemed too sophisticated for that.

And they were interested.

Interested?

They were mesmerized.

And when we got back to the flat and they said, what should

we do, and you suggested Scrabble.

What about all those four letter words,eh?

That could have led to something.

Well, it didn't tonight.

They couldn't wait for us to go, and I don't blame them.

Look, perhaps I should have told you, Philip.

I don't usually try anything on the first date.

On the first date?

You mean you get a second?

Well, you won't this time.

All right, all right.

I'm sorry.

You're frightened of women, aren't you?

No.

You've never really known a woman, have you?

Not intimately.

No.

I thought not.

Then why do you tell so many lies?

Well, you know what they say about students.

I just didn't want to get a bad name, that's all.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Oh, it's all right for you.

You've got 10 wives.

Nobody can question your experience.

How-- how old were you when you-- when you first--

Oh.

Oh, it was a part of my initiation.

Went with the tribal marks on my 14th birthday.

Your 14th birthday?

All I got was a bike.

Well, don't worry about it.

You're going through a phase.

You're just a little immature, that's all.

I'm not immature.

Am I?

Hi, man.

Eh, did you-- did you have a good time last night?

Oh, yeah. Very good.

Very successful.

Remind me to carve another notch on the bedpost, Rigsby.

Carve another-- my god, you students.

Well, personally, I think you're disgusting.

I don't know how you can be so depraved.

Oh, it isn't easy.

It takes a lot of practice.

You take last night, for example.

It was all a question of technique.

Technique?

Yeah.

Well, look, you can compare a woman to a finely tuned piano.

What?

You have to approach her like a concert pianist.

It's no good just sitting down playing chopsticks.

Look at that, huh?

Long, tapering fingers.

They're piano player's hands, they are.

Long, tapering fingers.

This girl last night, was she like--

could you compare her with a finely tuned piano?

Of course.

Mind you, I did experience a bit of resistance.

You mean you couldn't get the lid up?

Look, see that?

That's where technique comes in, you see.

What I did was I looked deep into her eyes, told her she was

a woman, the woman, woman the eternal mystery.

Then I whispered a few French phrases in her ear.

A few French phrases?

Yeah.

That always gets them going.

What-- what happened-- what happened then?

Well, at first I could see she was a bit cool.

But then after a while, I started having some effect.

See, she started polishing her glasses in an agitated manner.

She began to shake like an aspen leaf,

the Scrabble board fell to the floor,

and then the old sea started crashing on the rocks,

chimney's started falling down, there were colored lights,

and there, in the background, Tchaikovsky.

He was there as well, was he?

Look, you know what I mean.

Yes, yes, all right, yes.

Did you reckon any of this would work with Miss Jones?

- Of course it would. - I'm not so sure.

She's a bit depressed at the moment.

I don't think she's in the mood for factory chimneys.

She's just been let down by some bloke.

Well, you could restore her faith in men, Rigsby.

Oh, yeah. There's only one snag there.

I happen to be married, don't I?

Oh, well, that doesn't matter.

I should never have done it.

Wartime romance.

My god, it was a military blunder on the scale of Anzio.

Do you know, the only woman I ever really fancied

in those days was Greer Garson.

I used to see all of her films, her and Walter Pidgeon's.

My god, they don't make films like that anymore, mate.

Yes, always meant to marry a woman like that.

Was your wife like Greer Garson?

What?

No.

More like Walter Pidgeon, actually.

I wouldn't worry too much about being married, Rigsby.

I mean, marriage is an outmoded custom, isn't it?

We live in a modern society.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

It's all a question of personal freedom.

Yeah.

What was it you said?

French-- a few French phrases.

[MUMBLES FRENCH SOUNDING GIBBERISH]

[speaking french], Miss Jones?

What?

Have you seen Ruth?

ALAN: Yeah.

How did she seem?

Not very happy.

She's wearing her blue glasses.

Well, there's nothing I can do about it.

No, you're right.

You've got to be cruel.

Absolutely.

You know, this could be your big chance, Alan.

What?

Oh, no.

You're not getting me involved.

Alan, Ruth's a wonderful woman.

Is she?

A wonderful woman.

And she's lonely.

Well, if she's so wonderful, why is she lonely?

Because you don't appreciate her.

You mean you don't appreciate her.

I'm not good enough for her.

You've never said that before.

I think you need each other.

This could be your big chance.

After all, she's a great believer

in charity, always prepared to help a worthy cause

to aid the deprived.

And there's no one more deprived than you, Alan.

Now, wait a minute.

After all, you've got something special, Alan.

What's that?

Your innocence.

Oh, well, I'll hang on to it for a moment, if you don't mind.

Alan, you can't carry on like this.

You'll pop your cork.

Why don't you go to her?

- What, like this? - Why not?

Think about it.

You won't have to tell all those lies anymore.

They'll be the truth.

Suppose she gets angry?

She won't.

After all, it's a compliment.

Is it?

You're going there to make a humble offering.

Suppose she tells me what to do with my humble offering?

She won't.

But, of course, if you really are afraid of women--

I'm not afraid.

Just a little immature?

We'll see about that.

[clock ticking]

[knock]

RIGSBY: Miss Jones?

Miss Jones.

Mr. Rigsby, what are you doing here at this time of night?

I had to see you, Miss Jones.

Surely it could have waited until the morning.

No, I've waited too long already, Miss Jones.

Time is running out for me.

I don't think I quite understand, Mr. Rigsby.

This is my September song, Miss Jones.

You're not going to sing, Mr. Rigsby?

Not at this time of night.

Miss Jones, I've been meaning to tell

you this for a very long time.

I find you a very attractive, desirable woman.

Oh, Mr. Rigsby, surely this isn't the time.

Yes.

Of course, I've always known there was someone else.

But now he's giving you the elbow, it's just you and me.

He could never-- what's that?

He could-- he could never appreciate you the way I do,

Miss Jones.

You're like a finely tuned upright.

I beg your pardon?

You need a-- you need a very light touch.

Do I, Mr. Rigsby?

What would people think?

Oh, only swacky malipontes, Miss Jones.

I beg your pardon?

You must know how I feel.

I've always admired you.

I don't know what to say, Mr. Rigsby.

Respondo, s'il vous plait.

- Mr. Rigsby. - [speaking french]

[gasps]

Mr. Rigsby.

Miss Jones, why should we live alone?

Say you'll come down to the ground floor.

Oh, there it is again. what is it?

Please let me get my breath, Mr. Rigsby.

This is so unexpected.

Don't think it's not appreciated.

You've paid me the finest compliment

a man can pay a woman, a proposal of marriage.

You what?

You are asking me to marry you?

Not exactly, Miss Jones.

What do you mean not exactly?

Well well, there-- there does happen to be a slight drawback

where marriage is concerned.

I do happen to be married already.

Mr. Rigsby!

And I thought you were different.

You come up here with talk of finely tuned uprights,

and all the time you're planning an adulterous liaison with me.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

But, Miss Jones, marriage is an outmoded concept.

We live in the permissive society, Miss Jones.

Not in this room we don't.

But you don't understand.

You see-- Miss Jones, there's someone in your wardrobe.

I keep a man in there, or didn't you know?

Perhaps you'd like to see him.

[screams]

Where do you think you're going?

- I was going to go out. - Going to go out?

You can't go out. The sun's up.

You should still be rested in your coffin, you bloody vampire.

Right.

- What are you doing? - What am I doing?

I'm moving the furniture.

Give myself plenty of room.

What for?

What for?

To swing you around in.

Wait a minute, Rigsby.

About last night.

Yes, what about last night?

What can you possibly say?

Evil is in the eye of the beholder.

Not last night it wasn't.

I wasn't the one in the wardrobe.

Miss Jones didn't know where to look.

I've always suspected you.

I think it's your narrow forehead.

But, look, you're not going to trifle with Miss

Jones's feelings anymore.

I haven't trifled with Miss Jones's feelings.

Well, what were you doing in her wardrobe?

Well, I went in there on an impulse.

A what?

Well, look, I haven't trifled with Miss Jones's feelings.

I haven't trifled with anybody's feelings.

Well, what-- do you mean there's never

been any colored lights, no sea crashing up against the rocks?

No, never, never, never.

You're-- you're a member of the permissive society.

You're supposed to know where the erogenous regions are.

Well, I know where the Himalayas are,

but I've never been up them.

You've got a very vivid imagination,

that's all I can say.

Well, look, I have to have, don't I?

I mean, I'll never be bachelor of the month

if I tell them the truth.

That's why I put it round that I like my birds with little mouths

and long and leggy, and that I take them out

to Greek restaurants and wine and dine them,

then whip them back here to a few records

and a bit of how's your father.

Oh, hello, Mr. Cooper.

I've been looking for you.

Have you?

Yes.

In fact, we've all been looking for you.

You're a very difficult man to find.

Sandra is very upset.

Is she?

Yeah.

She's got this idea in her head that you two are engaged.

Oh, well, yes, we did have a bit of an understanding.

No, no, no.

She's got the understanding.

I want to know what you had.

I don't understand.

Don't you?

You come to my house, you eat your way

through the deep freeze, you damage my hedge,

and then you calmly walk off, leaving Sandra in tears.

I want to know what you're going to do about it.

Oh, well, I think there must have been

a bit of a misunderstanding.

No, no, no.

There'll be no misunderstanding.

I've got one of your letters here written in green ink.

"I can't wait to see you, mon cheri.

Your body is like a highly tuned piano.

What music we will make together.

Meet me tonight by the hedge.

Do not fail me, as I am burning with desire.

Au revoir, mon petite.

P.S. Make sure old misery guts is out of the way."

Alan, is this a sample--

Misery guts, very good.

I suppose you think that is funny.

I would have expected more concern from his father.

His-- his father?

I should have known better.

You've both got that same depraved expression.

I've only got to look at you to see where he gets it from.

You're one of these people responsible for all

this permissiveness, aren't you?

You know, I realize that Sandra has had a very narrow escape.

Fancy having you for a father-in-law.

Just a minute.

I'm not his father.

And he's quite right.

You shouldn't have read his letter.

You people are all the same.

You go rabbiting on about the permissive society.

Well, have you seen it?

No, no.

It doesn't exist.

It's all in the mind.

Doesn't exist.

I should know.

I've looked for it.

So don't-- it's no good you coming

in here telling us how things have altered,

because they haven't.

So you take your nasty little thoughts and get out of here.

Go on. Go on.

[shouting]

Get out of it.

My word.

That was very good, Rigsby.

You really told him off.

Yeah, you see.

It's the same in wartime.

Once the chips are down.

I'm really grateful, Rigsby.

I mean, I couldn't have done it without you.

It's all right, Alan. Any time.

Any time. - Hey, look.

There he goes.

Go on, get out of it!

Hey, get out!

His tail between his legs.

Yeah.

He's going to his car.

Is he getting in?

Well, there's two other fellows getting out.

Who are they?

My god, they're big buggers, aren't they?

Look at the shoes of that one on the left.

Hey, I'll tell you what, Rigsby.

What?

They're Sandra's brothers.

BOTH: They're coming up!

Have you got the key?

Key, key!

[music playing]