02x03 - A Body Like Mine

[bunniefuu]

[audio logo]

[music playing]

Jelly on the plate.

Jelly on the plate.

Wibble wobble, wibble wobble, Jelly on--

Ms. Jones, Ms. Jo-- oh, Ms. Jones.

I-- I was-- oh, Ms. Jones, I was--

I thought, perhaps, you might feel a little lonely.

I was wondering if you'd like to come

down and watch the television?

Oh, well, I don't know really, Mr. Rigsby.

David Attenborough is on at the moment.

I know you've always had a weakness for him.

Oh, yes, I have.

It's those lovely dimples of his that do

something to me when he smiles.

Oh, yes, yes.

Mind you, his dimples aren't very prominent at the moment.

He's standing on a pile of bat droppings.

- Oh, how awful. - Yes.

Yes, I don't know why he does it.

He's standing in this cave, his eyes are watering,

bats swooping all around him, nothing on his head,

and he's talking about the joys of nature.

Still, I do think he's incredibly brave.

There aren't many men who would go through the jungle

with their socks rolled down.

Yes, yes.

Perfect, Ms. Jones, yes.

Mind you, his legs are surprisingly pale under

the circumstances, aren't they?

Yes, of course, that's the beauty of color television.

Yes, it opens up new dimensions.

That's what I'm sure it does.

Well, you come down then, Ms. Jones?

I've done a few potted meat sandwiches.

Well, it's very kind of you, Mr. Rigsby,

but I must do some exercises.

Exercises, Ms. Jones?

Yes, I've decided to improve my figure.

Oh, Miss, you couldn't possibly.

You've got an exquisite figure, Ms. Jones.

Well, some people wouldn't agree with you, Mr. Rigsby.

What?

Who's been saying otherwise?

Who's been putting that about you?

Tell me his name.

I'll soon sort him out, Ms. Jones.

No, no, that won't be necessary.

But certain things have happened.

I've been forced to take a long, hard look at myself.

I took an inventory of my body, Mr. Rigsby, and I was shocked.

Nothing missing, was there?

My whole body was in a state of muscular tension.

That's why I've been getting these recurring headaches.

I thought you were taking the tablets for that, Ms. Jones.

That's not the answer, Mr. Rigsby.

They can be dangerous.

Look what happened last night.

I awoke, took a tablet.

I thought at the time, it seemed rather large.

It was only when it got wedged in my throat

that I realized I should have dissolved it in water.

What on Earth did you do, Ms. Jones?

I lay there and fizzed for three hours.

Still, it gave me time to think.

I've been letting myself go, Mr. Rigsby.

I've been neglecting my body.

So I decided to do a few gentle exercises.

Philip suggested some.

Oh, did he?

I'd be very careful if I were you.

You'd do yourself a serious injury like that.

I must say, Ms. Jones, I don't much

care for this fetish for physical fitness

as going on around here at the moment.

You don't need to do exercises.

I never do exercises, and look at me.

Yes, well.

Pardon?

If you don't mind me saying so,

Mr. Rigsby, I think you could do with a little exercise.

You can't be serious.

I'm in superb condition.

What about your back?

There's nothing wrong with my back.

Then why did those two men have to carry

you home from the supermarket?

Now, that was an isolated incident.

Could have happened to anyone.

No, I just went down a shade too quickly for some dried peas

and just locked.

You ought to be careful, Mr. Rigsby.

A man of your age.

A man of-- but I'm in my prime, Ms. Jones.

I've heard you on the stairs.

The slightest exertion, and you're wheezing and coughing.

Now, just a minute.

Now, wait a minute, Ms. Jones.

Now, just you stand back a moment.

What are you going to do, Mr. Rigsby?

I'm going to show you what clean living and a balanced diet

can do.

I'm going to raise this chair aloft by one leg.

You ought to be careful, Mr. Rigsby.

It's all right, Ms. Jones.

I used to do this 20 years ago.

I can still do it today.

Now then, there we go.

Oh, Mr. Rigsby.

Oh my god.

Nothing to it.

Are you sure this is going to work?

Of course it will.

But you've got to keep it up.

I'm shattered.

You're putting far too much effort into it.

Try and relax.

How can I relax?

My veins are standing out all over my body.

There's a giant inside you trying to get out.

Well, why don't he help me with these weights then?

There's a giant inside all of us.

I bet mine will have varicose veins.

Do you really think I'll look like that?

You will if you work hard.

Haven't you noticed any difference?

I think my arms are getting longer.

I don't want that.

I don't want my hands brushing the ground as I walk along.

I think your deltoids are getting larger.

Do you?

Hey, I think you might be right.

Hey, that should pull the birds.

I can't wait to get on that beach in the summer.

I'll be lounging there in my striped shorts.

Birds in bikinis will be rubbing Ambre Solaire all over me.

Squeals of delight when they get to my deltoids.

It means a lot to you, doesn't it?

Yeah, well, of course it does.

It's all right for you.

But I was a delicate child.

While you were out in the bush having

adventures and living off wild berries,

I was having vapor rubs.

All that's going to change.

Old Rigsby will get a surprise.

Just you let him try start pushing me around, especially

if he tries that hand shake.

You mean when he tries to crush your fingers?

Yeah, why does he do that?

He relates it to his virility.

That's why he looks upon us as a challenge.

That's why he's always trying to prove he's fitter and stronger

than we are.

He's got a bad back.

I know, but he won't admit it.

Yeah.

Has to have a knee bandage to get up the stairs.

He's a physical wreck.

I feel sorry for him, poor old sod.

Hello, Rigsby.

Oh my god.

It's Strang the Terrible.

It's all right, Vienna.

Don't be disturbed.

Don't be alarmed by all that rippling muscle.

I'm sure the gentleman means us no harm.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm developing my body, Rigsby.

Developing?

The only thing you're going to develop's a hernia.

You're wasting your time.

You know, it won't work.

Why not?

Because you don't keep it up.

You never do.

You get tired brushing your hair.

And what's going to happen when all

that muscle turns to fat, hey?

You're going to look like something that's been left

out of the fridge all night.

Ah, well, that's where you're wrong, Rigsby,

you see, because I am going to keep it up.

And you'll get a surprise.

When I disrobe on the beach this summer,

there's going to be a buzz of excitement.

And you know why?

Yeah, you've forgotten your trunks.

No, I shall have a perfectly developed body.

Perfectly dev-- you look like a freak.

You weren't meant to look like that.

You were meant to be puny.

And I don't understand.

I can't stand all this preoccupation with the body.

God, it's not natural.

There is nothing wrong with exercise, Rigsby.

You want to try it sometime.

Look, if he wants to do some exercise,

why doesn't he go out and kick a ball around?

I don't like football.

You don't like, what, our national sport?

My god, when I was your age, I was out every night playing

football.

Good at it, were you?

Good?

I was brilliant.

If it hadn't been for the w*r, who knows?

Might have been another Tommy Lawton.

Who's Tommy Lawton?

Who's Tommy Lawton?

Only the finest center forward that ever breathed, that's all.

Well, you can't compare him with players today.

Compare him with-- my god, he'd make mincemeat

out of that lot today.

Have you seen them prancing around the field

like a bunch of male models, kissing and cuddling?

Listen, in my day, when you scored a goal, all you got

was a brisk handshake.

Now, you get covered in love bites.

I tell you, they used to tackle hard then, you know?

Hard but fair.

The fullbacks used to come at you like butcher's dogs.

If they caught you right, you know, you could end up

at the back of the stand.

Aye, it were a man's game in them days.

It certainly was.

Aye, it were that, lad.

Aye.

Aye.

Are you two trying to be funny?

No, I envy you, Rigsby.

Wish I were good at sport.

You see, I was a natural.

It's a pity we can't put the clock back,

Rigsby, and see how good you really were

before you began to slow down.

What do you mean? I haven't slowed down.

I'm 100% fit.

And I don't need to develop my body either.

Well, at least I don't need a knee bandage and a truss

to get across the road.

I beg your pardon.

My body's just as good as yours.

Don't be ridiculous.

Why don't you face it?

I just happen to be very well endowed, that's all.

Nature has showered her blessings on me.

I mean, I've never had much money,

but I've always had me health and strength.

What about your bad back?

Look, I haven't got a bad back.

I'm as fit as a fiddle.

Why do you think Ms. Jones is attracted to me?

She sensed the latent power, the almost feline grace.

Feline Grace?

Yeah.

He means like Vienna.

Yeah, so what's wrong with Vienna?

Well, look at him, Rigsby.

He's not very agile, is he?

Yeah, Just because he doesn't bother much nowadays.

Don't you worry, mate.

He hasn't lost his reflexes any more than I have.

Reflexes?

All right, just a minute.

All right, look just here.

I'll just show you something.

Come on, gather round.

Now, look, look, I'm going to hold this cat four

feet from the ground, right?

Face upwards.

All right, now, observe his relaxed manner.

Now, if I let him go, what do you think will happen?

He'll go through the floorboards.

No, he won't. He'll land on his feet.

And you know why?

Because he's got perfect reflexes.

It's a scientific fact.

Are you ready?

No, no, but you have to watch very carefully because it'll

be all over in a flash.

Right, ready, steady, 1, 2, 3.

[meows]

He usually lands on his feet.

Couldn't have been awake.

Hello, boys, Mr. Rigsby.

I wonder if one of you strong men

could take the lid off this pickle jar for me.

- Oh, of course. - Certainly.

- Thank you, Alan. - Allow me.

Can you manage?

You've gone very red.

Won't budge.

Isn't it marvelous?

All these weeks of training, you can't

get the lid off a pickle jar.

Come on, give it here, my god.

It's all a question of pressure, Ms. Jones.

Oh.

You all right, Rigsby?

Hang on.

No, you won't budge that, Ms. Jones.

I'm afraid it's got to cross thread.

- May I try? - No, you won't move that.

We need a vice.

Here we are, Ruth.

I must have loosened it.

Oh, brilliant.

I didn't realize you were so strong.

Come downstairs.

You can be the first to indulge.

[music playing]

Come on.

Now, listen, I've brought them down.

Yeah, he didn't see you, did he?

Why? Is it important?

Well, of course, it's important.

Come on, better get started.

Put it down there.

Right.

I'm glad you decided to get fit, Rigsby.

Look, I'm not getting fit. I am fit.

I'm just putting a fine edge on it.

That's all.

Now, then, the-- the weights, first of all.

That's just a question of up and down a few, yes, yeah.

That's all right.

I'll build up to that.

What's this?

The old-- old chest expanders.

It's a knack with these, isn't it?

Yeah.

So what's these?

Oh, I see.

Why did you decide to do it?

Well, because of him, of course.

Didn't you see the look of superiority on his face

when he got the lid off that pickle jar?

My god, it was a definite setback

for the white races, that was.

Not only that, didn't you see Ms. Jones?

She was very impressed.

He's going to be getting ideas in that direction.

He don't want Ms. Jones.

He's got 10 wives already.

Yes, but they're Black, aren't they?

Ms. Jones is white.

She could be very useful to him.

How?

Well, as a marker.

I mean, he-- he could give her a lot of prestige out there,

you know?

Help him with the diplomatic exchanges, you know?

Show them how to fold their serviettes.

You can't be serious, Rigsby.

It won't happen.

You're dead, right-- god, it takes it out of you,

this, isn't it?

You're dead right it won't happen, mate, because I'm going

to make sure it doesn't.

I've told you before, anybody comes between me and Ms. Jones,

they better watch out.

And he better look out now I'm getting back in shape again.

Just do a few--

a few press ups. One.



Shut up.

Two.

It's easier than I thought.

I didn't think I'd be able to do more than about--

about six or so.

What's Rigsby doing?

He was doing press ups.

Oh, you shouldn't be doing that, Rigsby, not at your age.

Think of your heart.

There's nothing wrong with my heart.

Just let go of me, will you?

What do you want anyway?

I wondered if you were watching the cricket.

The West Indies are playing.

It may have escaped your attention,

but I'm the proud owner of a color television.

I'm not watching something that looks

the same in black and white.

That's not the reason.

He just don't like to see 'em win.

Look, I don't mind seeing them win.

We can still lose gracefully in this country.

We can still face defeat with a smile, mate.

Look, what happened when Leeds lost to Bayern Munich, hey?

Your smile slipped a bit then.

You threw a bottle at the telly.

Well, that was different, wasn't it?

We were robbed, definitely robbed at the last gasp,

and just after our valiant-hearted lads had

run themselves into the ground.

My god, did you see their faces?

They were drained.

I haven't seen expressions like that since Dunkirk.

And what about those German, hey?

My god, you could see all that old Teutonic arrogance coming

back again, couldn't you?

When they put that second goal in,

I thought they were going to break into the goosestep.

All right, Rigsby, if you're so sporting,

why don't you watch Muhammad Ali?

I'll tell you why.

Because he can't box.

Then how did he become world champion?

He talks 'em to death.

What he does, he gets him in a clinch,

and then engages in some clever bit of witty repartee.

And while they're trying to think of an answer,

he claps him on the back of the ear.

Wouldn't work with me, mate.

Oh, don't tell me.

You were a boxer as well.

I was brilliant.

If it hadn't been for the w*r--

Who knows?

Who know-- are you calling me a liar?

Well, you don't look like a boxer, Rigsby.

No, no, of course I don't.

We're the ones you got to watch.

The best ones never do look like boxers.

No need to worry about the ones with the broken noses

and the cauliflower ears.

But when you come across someone like me, someone who still has

his good looks, who still retains what you

might call the almost classic profile,

then you've got to watch out.

It's amazing.

You're good at everything.

Don't you move from that spot.

I'm going to show you something, mate.

Just a minute now.

What exactly do you think these are, hey?

Hey?

These weren't to stop me biting my nails, you know?

These have seen me through many a nasty bout.

One punch from these, you'd go down like a roller lino.

Don't do that, Rigsby.

What?

A few rapier lugs, straight lefts, and the old one, two.

My god, wouldn't know what had hit you.

You don't have to prove anything to me, Rigsby.

I'll tell you this.

I just wish we had another pair of gloves.

I'd prove something.

Well, I can get a pair of gloves.

Can you? Right, you get them.

Go on, get them.

I'll show you if I'm past it or not.

All right, Rigsby. RIGSBY: All right.

I'll see if I can get them.

You see if you can get-- right, you do that.

Bring them down tonight.

Hey, that's showed him, hey?

See how pale he went?

No.

Well, it's hard to tell.

Are you sure you're doing the right thing?

He won't lay a glove on me.

It's all a question of footwork, you see?

I've never lost it. Look, look at that.

Look.

Hey?

I'll float like a butterfly.

Sting like a bee.

You're floating like a bee and stinging like a butterfly

at the moment.

I'm not punching my weight now, am I?

Yeah, but what if he punches his weight?

Look, it doesn't matter, you see, because I can ride a punch.

I can move away. Look, come here.

I want to show you something. Come over here.

Now, I want to show you.

Put these gloves on.

Now, I want you to punch me, right?

Oh, I'd rather not.

No, come on.

I want you to hit me on the chin right there hard as you like.

Come on.

I don't want to.

You can't work up any aggression.

I'm too likeable.

Well, look, try and imagine--

try and imagine I'm an obnoxious, nasty, nasty piece

of work. I know it's difficult, but try.

Go on.

No, it's not that, Rigsby.

Oh, what is it then?

You might hit me back.

Of course I won't hit you.

I haven't got my gloves on.

No, you see, you're going to try and surprise me,

but I'll surprise you by the speed.

Rigsby?

Rigsby?

Rigsby?

Hi, Rigsby.

RIGSBY: Where is he then?

Isn't he coming?

Has he changed his mind?

Oh, well, just as well.

Better get the furniture back then, hey?

No, no, no, no, he's getting ready, Rigsby.

You'd better get changed.

Oh, is he?

I suppose he's getting a bit nervous, is he?

Starting to sweat.

Showing signs of strain.

No, said he was looking forward to having the gloves

back on again.

Yeah, well, I-- again?

What do you mean again?

You mean he's boxed before?

Yeah, apparently it did quite a lot in Africa.

He was champion of his region.

Champion?

Oh my god.

Look, I didn't know.

I thought you said he was a novice.

Champion of his region?

He'll m*rder me.

Rigsby, you've got the experience.

Shut up, will you?

He's planned this, hasn't he?

He's planned this.

He's going to duff me up.

You'll be all right, Rigsby.

I'm going to be referee.

First sign of any blood, I'll stop the fight.

Oh, give me that.

First sign of any blood, and you'll faint.

Hey, mind you, if you're referee,

you could always disqualify him.

What for?

Well, for a low punch.

Well, suppose he doesn't punch low.

I could always jump in the air, hey?

Look, if you want to call it off, I'll go and talk to him.

Look, how can I possibly call it off?

What if Ms. Jones finds out?

She might give me the white feather.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I shall have to box clever, shant I?

Have to put the frighteners on him, hey?

Well, how are you going to do that?

You know what they say.

If you can't fight, wear a big hat.

Now then, sunshine.

I see you--

I see you're getting ready then.

Yes.

Funny old world, hey, Philip.

I mean, here we are, two grown men getting ready to knock seven

bells out of each other, hey?

And we call ourselves civilized, hey?

Funny world, hey, Philip?

You know, here you are.

You're black, and I'm white.

I mean, if we can't get along together,

what chance has the world got, hey?

Hey?

See what I mean, hey, Phil?

Do you want to call it off, Rigsby?

Call it off.

Who said anything about calling it off?

I was just thinking out aloud. That was all.

I thought you seemed nervous.

Me?

No, I'm not nervous, no.

No, the only thing I'm worried about

is in case I lose my temper, you know?

Because that's-- that's I had to give up boxing.

You know, very nearly k*lled this bloke once, you know?

I mean, once the bell goes, the red mist comes up.

I get this singing in the ears.

And when it clears, there's someone

stretched out on the canvas.

Is it you, Rigsby?

Oh, very funny.

Well, you've had your chance, mate.

Just don't say I didn't--

just don't say I didn't warn you.

That's all.

[knock on door]

Oh, Ms. Jones.

Mr. Rigsby.

It's a side of I've not seen before.

Ms. Jones, I don't quite know how to tell you this, Ms. Jones.

In fact, I really don't know how to tell

a woman of your sensitivity and refinement.

But there's going to be a fight.

A fight?

Yes, downstairs, Ms. Jones.

Me and Philip, were having the gloves on.

I'm afraid it's going to be a fight to the finish,

and the blood's going to flow.

So I thought it only fair to let you know.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Rigsby.

I'll come down.

I love a good fight.

I don't think you quite understand, Ms. Jones.

It's over, you see?

Over me?

How exciting.

Yes, but you see, somebody may get hurt,

possibly even maimed for life.

Now, I know you want peace in the world

and you're against the Polaris m*ssile

and all that sort of thing.

So in the circumstances, I'm quite prepared to call it off.

It'll be a disappointment, of course.

No, I wouldn't dream of it.

You what?

It's a wonderful compliment, Mr. Rigsby,

to have two men fight over you.

And just to show you how much I appreciate it,

I shall go out tonight with the winner.

What do you think of that?

Shall look forward to it, Ms. Jones.

Where's Rigsby?

He's probably in there putting on his knee bandage

or tightening his truss.

I'll go and get him.

Philip.

What are you doing here?

I didn't know you could be so jealous.

I'm so excited.

Fancy wanting to fight over me.

Is that what Rigsby told you?

Yes, and I told him that I'd go out with the winner.

Well, how do you know I'll win?

Of course, you'll win.

All you've got to do is soften him up inside.

He can't last.

He lives on suet puddings.

I didn't know you knew anything about boxing.

What?

I love Henry Cooper.

That's what you want to do.

Give him Henry's Hammer, the old left hook.

We could go to the Grange afterwards.

No, I mean, I mightn't win.

Of course, you'll win.

[alan trumpeting]

Oh!

Just a minute.

Just a minute.

Right, I want a good, clean fight, no biting, no scratching,

no kicking, no gouging, no punching

with the inside of the glove, and no punching on the break.

My god, you're enjoying this, aren't you?

Come out fighting.

Just a minute.

Just hang on a minute.

Look, before we go any further, you just make a note

of where my belt is, all right?

Anything below that round here, and he's disqualified, right?

Oh, wait a minute.

Wait.

Oh, God.

No, there's a nail.

There's a nail in the carpentry.

- Break. - Break, come on.

Break. - No, you break, Rigsby.

You're the one that's holding him.

Break.

Hey, that's me.

Get out of the way then.

Right.

What are you doing?

Just a minute.

Go in and k*ll him, Philip.

RUTH: Philip! Philip!

Got him.

RUTH: Philip!

How about that then, hey?

No, no, no, no.

The winner.

What you take a dive for?

I told you.

I'd have to take Ruth out.

I'm not starting that again.

Yeah, but taking a dive, we'll never hear the last of it.

Rigsby will never let us forget it.

Here he comes now.

I told you I could do it.

I haven't lost the old magic.

Yes, the old straight left.

Hope it didn't hurt you, Philip. - No, you didn't hurt me.

No, no, you see, once I get going,

I don't know my own strength.

Yes.

He took a dive.

Took a-- what are you talking, took a dive?

I beat him fair and square.

He met me at my peak condition.

Ms. Jones and I are going out tonight to the Grange.

I feel I could accomplish anything tonight.

How about this, then, hey?

Look at that.

Hey?

Very good, Rigsby. Look at that, Philip.

That's great, Rigsby.

You picked it up.

Nothing to it.

What's the matter, Rigsby?

My back, it's locked.

Are you ready, Mr. Rigsby?

What's the matter?

Are you looking for something?

His back's locked.

He can't straighten up.

It's all right, Ms. Jones. It'll soon pass.

Shall we go?

Mr. Rigsby, I can't go out with you like this.

It's like walking about with a chimpanzee.

Come on, Philip.

You'll have to come with me.

But I lost.

I booked a taxi.

If we hurry, we can get the band.

Come on.

What am I going to do?

There's only one thing you can do, Rigsby.

What?

Can you ride tandem?

[music playing]