02x06 - The Last of the Big Spenders

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[music playing]

Hey, hey, What do you think?

Yeah, yeah.

You look very cheerful.

What's the matter?

Have the council had revolution again?

No, I was wondering if you could help me.

Of course, I can help you.

That's what I'm here for.

I'm not just a landlord, you know?

I'm a friend and counselor. Yes, come on.

What's your little problem, love?

Well, it's a bit delicate.

It's not bedwetting, is it?

No, it isn't.

Delicate-- I know, you've been having thoughts, yes, yes, yes.

ALAN: What?

Yes, all right, don't worry about it.

It's all part of growing up.

You're going through a difficult time.

I know.

Sap's rising, mysterious changes taking

place in the body, sudden lack of interest in football.

I've never been interested in football.

It's been karate or kung fu or something

else in the land of the bandy legs with you, hasn't it?

Still, you've suddenly become aware of the opposite sex, yes?

- Well, yeah. - Yes.

And you've no doubt noticed they can't

throw a cricket ball as well as we do, and you've wondered why.

No, no, no.

This has got nothing to do with women.

Well, not directly.

It's not that prickly heat again, is it?

No, it's-- well, if you're going to be like this.

Come on, sit down. Come on.

You know you can talk to me.

Come on, sit down.

You sit there, and I'll just relax on the--

right, what is it then?

I want to borrow some money.

You what?

I want to borrow some money.

Shall we say 5 pounds?

You can say what you like.

I'm not saying anything.

What?

You mean you won't help me?

Not a question of helping you.

Let me give you a bit of advice.

Neither a lender nor a borrower be.

See, if I was to lend you money, what would happen?

Friendship would fly straight out of the window.

What friendship?

If you were a friend, you'd lend me the money.

Yeah, we're talking about friendship.

What about your mate upstairs?

He's not exactly short, is he?

Sure he could run to a few bags of salt or an elephant's tusk.

I can't ask Philip.

I borrowed off him last week.

You see, that's the trouble, you see?

You're too improvident.

You spend too much on baubles, bangles, and bloody beads.

That's your trouble.

Well, I put all my money in that gas meter

just to keep warm.

I sometimes wonder if there's a roof on this house.

Have you thought of central heating?

Central heating?

Are you mad?

Price of fuel today, no, thank you.

I suppose you're hanging on for solar energy.

You'll make do with that gas fired upstairs, mate.

Listen, listen, before the North Sea yielded up its riches,

we had to make do with a pile of nutty slack.

And even that was scarce in wartime, you know?

Oh, yes, you had to share a fire with a friend.

Did you find one?

Oh, very good.

Don't you worry.

I've got plenty of friends, mate.

You ain't got any friends, Rigsby.

You know why? Because you're a miser.

I am not a miser.

Why do you collect all the little bits of soap

and stick them to the new bars.

And why do you always jump up and down on the toothpaste tube?

That's not being a miser. That's different.

I'm just conserving the world's energy.

That's all.

You can laugh.

It is five minutes to midnight.

This is Spaceship Earth.

You're too wasteful.

Look, I could live on the contents of your dustbin.

Well, you only have to come up and ask.

You throw crust away that thick.

Look, I can't eat bread if it's stale, can I?

Make bread and butter pudding with it.

I don't like bread and butter pudding.

That's not the point.

It's not a question of bread and butter.

You're too wasteful. I've told you before.

What have you done to raise the money?

I've taken all the lemonade bottles back.

Have you thought of a job?

What?

My god, you've gone asher.

I'm studying medicine, mate.

That's a full-time occupation.

I can't help it if I'm a victim of inflation.

You a victim of-- what about me?

I was hoping to retire one day, perhaps, to Bournemouth.

Get a bit of sun.

Dip my feet in the Gulf stream.

You're lot have put paid to that.

I know where I shall end up-- in the public libraries,

clinging to the radiators, then trotting

out the supermarket with a wheelbarrow full of pound notes.

You're not doing so bad, Rigsby.

Look at all this furniture you've got.

That's the reward for thrift, that, mate.

Years of bread and butter pudding, that is.

I'm entitled to a few good things in life.

And get off that.

You'll spoil the nap.

Knew I was wasting my time.

I can't break the habits of a lifetime.

Come here. Come here.

I'm not a hard man. Come here.

I'll tell you what. Here, here.

You heard that?

There's some money down there.

If can get your hand in, you can have it.

I'm not stooping that low.

Sounds like a couple of 50ps to me.

Well, if it's 50p.

RIGSBY: Hello, Brend.

What's he doing?

He usually sits like that.

He finds it more comfortable.

Hello, Brenda.

Yes, well, you won't have any more trouble with that, Rigsby.

Beautifully sprung.

If you have any more trouble, just give me a shout.

RIGSBY: Yes.

This your new furniture then?

Yes, yes, I wanted you to see it, Brenda, because I know

you've got an artistic nature.

Well, what do you think?

Functional with just a hint of luxury.

Skilfully fashioned by the craftsmen of Evesham.

What do you do with that?

You sit in that.

Yes, it molds to the contours of your body.

Must have cost a lot of money.

Ah, well, that's what money's for, Brenda.

Yes, I've always believed in-- look at that.

See that?

Look.

Yes, always believed in the good things of life.

Yes, I've never been frightened of spend.

Look at that drinks trolley. Look at that.

See the way it glides?

Look at that.

Yes, it'll be very useful, that, when I want to sip a Martini.

In the bath.

Oh, It's lovely.

When you've been standing in front

of a paraffin stove all day with nothing on, this is luxury.

Yes, I suppose it must be, yeah.

Here, have a grape.

BRENDA: Oh, ta.

Yes, I've always indulged myself, Brenda.

I think life should have a bit of style, don't you?

You can spit the pips in the ashtray.

Must have elegance about me, you know?

Oh, is that your cat?

Isn't he nice?

Is he?

Must get after him with the power.

He's been scratching himself silly all day.

Well, I'm glad you like the furniture, Brenda.

Perhaps you can come down one evening.

We can--

What for?

Have a bit of a chat about art.

I do a bit, as you know.

Oh, don't talk to me about art.

I stand there for hours, stark naked.

And by the time they finished, I got

two eyes on the side of my head, a hole in the middle,

and legs like matchsticks.

Do you see me like that?

No.

I see you quite differently, love.

Perhaps we could go out one evening--

- For dinner? - No.

Thanks, I'd love to.

We could go tonight.

I'm free tonight.

Yes, it's been ages since I had a slap up meal.

We can go to a really flash place.

You know, have Dover sole and great, fat, juicy steaks

and a real goat and a sweet trolley.

You eat much then, do you?

Like a horse.

I thought you models got by with just a bit of grapefruit

and a slice of toast.

Oh, I don't.

I eat neat.

I'm really looking forward to this.

I bet you know some nice places.

Yeah.

I'll go and see what I've got to wear.

Better be my best dressed with a big spender like you.

Don't go too far.

Oh, I am glad you're not mean.

I can't bear mean men.

You know, the sort that squeeze the toothpaste tubes right up

and carry their money in a purse.

Well, see you later.

Yes, right.

My mouth's watering already.

Good, good.

Philip, you couldn't lend me 5 pounds till next week,

could you?

Not again.

What's it for this time?

I want to take Brenda out.

No, definitely not.

Why not?

Listen, Alan, I've told you.

She's not your type.

Brenda's been around.

She likes a good time.

You couldn't keep pace with her.

I could try.

No, Alan, it wouldn't be good for you.

Brenda is for the more experienced man.

You know, you can be really irritating sometimes, you can.

How am I supposed to get experience

if you carry on like this?

You say, come on in.

The water's lovely.

And just when I'm about to take the plunge, you stop me.

Alan, I don't mind you taking the plunge.

I just don't think you're ready to swim the channel.

Look, what would happen if you did get off with her?

How would you get your work done?

You imagine it.

You get your books out at night.

There's a knock on the door.

Brenda is standing there in her negligee.

She beckons to you seductively.

Go on.

See, you're distracted already.

You don't want that sort of thing.

Don't I?

It would be another night wasted.

You speak for yourself.

I was talking about your education.

Well, so was I. Look, I know she's been around,

but she's not after my money.

Good because she's not getting any.

Where women are concerned, you can

really be a bit of a big head.

Oh, am I?

ALAN: Yeah.

Hello.

What's this acrimonious dispute?

Is this an example of the white backlash?

You can both keep your money.

I wouldn't take it off you now if you begged me.

Oh, on the scrounge again, is he?

I don't mind lending you the money,

but not to spend on Brenda.

Oh, so that's--

I thought it wasn't for textbooks.

Yes, well, you keep right away from her.

She's too rich for your blood.

She's a model, you know?

Girl about town.

So what?

I told him.

A girl like that can bleed you white.

Yes, yeah.

Mind you, you've got a definite advantage there, haven't you?

What do you mean by that?

I mean, you've got more money than he has.

Anyway, she's not your type.

You know, you couldn't very well take her home, could you?

I don't see why not.

She never does her top button up.

When you walk in with a girl like that,

your father will jump straight out of his carpet slippers.

What about your mother?

She couldn't introduce her to the knitting circle, could she?

What, just because she poses in the nude?

Suppose you married her.

Just imagine all those hot little eyes

staring at her over the easels.

Their most intimate details displayed

on 10-foot posters for little boys to draw mustaches on.

I'm not listening to any more of this.

The reason why you won't lend me any money

is because you're mean.

I am not mean.

Hey, you've got a money spider on you.

Don't touch it.

See what I mean?

Mean.

I don't know why he says things like that to me.

I'm not mean, Philip.

Neither am I.

You don't need to tell me that.

Did you notice just now when I mentioned

his mother and my voice went sort of husky?

No.

Yes, it did, quite a little tremor, yes.

It's made me think of my own mother, you know?

Lovely dark hair she used to have, white as snow now.

She was sitting in front of the black lead grate,

her gnarled old hands clasped on her lap,

staring at the motto over the fireplace,

a boy's best friend is his mother waiting

for the knock that never comes.

Always been too busy, Phil.

Never realized how much time she spent scrubbing floors for me,

you know, taking in washing.

You should go and see her.

'Course I should.

I thought I might go tonight, you know, give it a surprise.

Take a few presents.

Then why don't you?

Pride, I suppose.

No, no, no.

No money.

Always told how the weather's been doing in my letters.

Look, Rigsby, would this help?

No, no, no.

Thank you very much.

Very, very kind of you.

No, Philip.

No, no.

Very grateful, but no.

All right.

Well, if you insist.

There you are.

What about this thing, Rigsby?

Think this will do for tonight?

Yes, that's fine. BRENDA: Oh, good.

See you later then.

Yes, that's right.

So that's the white haired old lady, is it?

I should have known better.

Why did I fall for a story like that?

I couldn't tell you the real reason, could I?

Not after what you said to Alan.

What am I going to do?

She's expecting an expensive evening out.

You'll have to do what you normally do.

RIGSBY: What's that? - Empty your piggy bank.

Oh, very funny.

I can't take her out with the weight of copper in me pockets,

can I?

It'll be the linings.

Anyway, suppose she sits on my lap.

I'll cut her to ribbons.

Hard luck, Rigsby.

Thank you very much.

[knock on door]

Oh, yes, what do you want?

I'm from the gas board.

The gas board?

I'm from the gas board.

That's right.

Is it a leak?

No, no.

I don't quite know how to put this,

but I've come to cut off your supply.

You've what?

I've come to disconnect you.

- You can't do that. - I've got to.

Why?

You haven't paid your bill for three quarters.

Well, there's no need to get nasty, is there?

I'm not being nasty.

I've got a job to do.

It's my duty.

Oh, duty?

That old excuse.

Oh, duty It's just like the Gestapo.

They were only doing their duty.

I'm not like the Gestapo.

Coming here late at night, making threats in a pig's cap,

say you're not like the Gestapo?

My god, now, look at you.

You're a spitting image of Himmler, you are.

I'm nothing like Himmler.

He wore glasses.

I don't like doing this.

Well, don't do it then.

I've got to.

You're asking for trouble.

Do you want me to write to my MP?

I shouldn't.

RIGSBY: Why not?

We cut him off last week.

Well, I've got a lot of influential friends.

I've got an African chief living upstairs.

Feels a cold something dreadful.

You start putting his gas off, it

could be a diplomatic incident.

He probably be on the next plane back home,

start turfing out the missionaries.

Well, I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

What about my tenants, hey?

They'll be cooking their suppers.

They're going to be sorry too when

their beans start to coagulate.

They could have a salad.

Oh, perhaps they could. Oh, yes.

Thank you.

You're hard hearted.

Well, I suppose there's nothing I can do to stop you.

I'll take money.

Look, I haven't got two-- two--

two piece to rub together.

I wouldn't mind.

It's never warm here at night now.

I mean, what with the shrapnel and having no pension.

And it gets so freezing cold in here at night.

I know it was bitter last night.

There was an inch of frost on the lawn.

Hey, feel those.

What?

Feel those feet.

Yeah.

Oh, they're like little blocks of ice.

Yes.

You know what that is, don't you?

Trench foot.

Anzio, up to my knees in mud for three days.

You poor soul.

This country's got a lot to answer for.

It certainly has, mate.

I've always managed up to now, you know?

Always managed to keep my self-respect, until now.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I do hate this job.

I shall be tossing and turning all night.

It's all right for you.

What about me, hey?

What about when the neighbors get to hear.

I shall be disgraced?

- No, you won't. - What?

It's no use.

I can't do it.

There comes a point when a man has to make a choice.

I shall go back and hand in my cap.

Oh, will you? GASMAN: Yes.

Oh, I'm very, very grateful.

I'm sorry I made that remark about the Gestapo.

Oh, that's all right.

No, no, no, no, no.

A very, very hurtful thing to say.

Thank you very much, mister--

My word, we seem to have hit the jackpot.

[music playing]

Well, I'm ready.

Oh, yes, yes, very, very nice too, Brenda.

But afraid we can't go, love.

Why not?

No, it's poor Vienna.

Very sick.

Seemed all right to me.

I think it's all that scratching.

He's lacerated himself.

I'm as disappointed as you, love.

But I'm afraid there's nothing for it.

Oh, dear.

Well, I suppose it's back to the baked beans.

Yeah.

But not necessarily.

I mean, we could dine down here.

And you wouldn't find more luxurious surroundings

than these, will you?

Have a few drinks off the trolley.

Munch the odd grape.

Well, all right.

I think I'll go and change first.

Yes, that's right.

You slip into something comfortable.

I'll put my smoking jacket on.

I think I handled that very nicely.

Now, don't forget, Vienna, you're ill.

So don't go dropping any dead mice in her lap, all right?

This could be my evening.

[music playing]

That's it.

Perfect.

[knock on door]

Oh, she's keen.

Come, my love.

Who are you?

My name is Flint, Mr. Rigsby.

This is Charlie.

My word.

I'm sorry. Yes, but what do you want?

What are you doing?

I must say, you certainly live in style, don't you, hey?

Soft light, sweet music.

He's even got grapes.

Oh, so he has.

Just like the last days of ancient Rome.

Would you mind leaving those alone?

What's that smell?

That's perfume, Charlie.

I mean, we're in the presence of a trendsetter.

That's what I like about this job.

You meet such interesting people.

Yes, I hope you don't think I'm being curious,

but what exactly is your job?

You know, tell me, then scarp because I've got company coming.

Do you think we should tell him, Charlie?

Well, I hope you've got a good sense of humor, Mr. Rigsby,

because there's a certain delicious irony about this.

Yes?

We've come to take your furniture.

You've what?

You can't do that.

Ah, yes, we can.

I mean, you haven't paid what you owe.

And there's an order to repossess.

Oh, I see.

Well, look, I mean, there's no need to be hasty, is there?

I'm sure we could--

have another grape.

I'm sure we could-- it's for you.

I'm sure we could come to some arrangement,

you know, oversight on my part.

Let's see what we've got here.

How about that then?

Yeah, thank you very much, Mr. Rigsby.

Well, I'm afraid this will scarcely pay my time,

and it certainly won't pay the craftsmen at Evesham.

I'll tell you what.

We'll let you keep the promotional ashtray.

Thank you very much indeed.

You mean you're going to take all this?

You can't take this away now.

Oh, yes, we can.

I'm afraid you haven't got a leg to stand on,

which is rather unfortunate, since we're

going to take the chairs.

You don't understand.

You see, this is a rather special occasion for me.

Look, I can see you're a man of the world.

So, Mister--

Flint.

Flint, Flint, yes, I can see your mate--

Charlie, isn't it? - Charlie.

Yes, lovely name.

I can see you're men of the world,

so I'll tell you the truth.

I'm entertaining a young lady down here this evening.

Oh, did you hear that, Charlie?

Hence the soft light and the seductive music.

You naughty boy.

Hey, Mr. Flint?

Yes.

And then I suppose you were open to--

With a bit of luck, yes.

Yeah, well, not on our springs, you won't.

Oh, thank you.

Sadists, that's what you are.

No, no, no, if you don't mind, Mr. Rigsby, Charlie

doesn't like that sort of talk.

We're only doing our job.

Our drinks trolley, Charlie.

Now, I can't afford to buy one of these.

I mean, I have to move the sofa, get down on my hands and knees

and fish around in the sideboard.

What am I going to do if she comes down?

I mean, she's expecting a night of unbridled luxury,

not a roll on the lino.

You have all my sympathy, Mr. Rigsby.

We'll be as discreet as we can.

She won't even know we're here.

She'll have a bloody good idea when the furniture

start disappearing, won't she?

What did I do wrong?

All I wanted to do was live now, pay later.

Chair.

My god, this chair, there was--

just a minute, that belongs to me.

Nothing in the showroom.

Oh, yes, I was reflating the economy, getting the wheels

of industry moving again.

And where has it got me, hey?

I shall be an object of contempt.

Yes, you will.

It doesn't bear thinking about.

No, look, what if I was to get some money?

I mean, I do have friends in the house, you know?

Oh, well, that's different.

I mean, after all, we're not vindictive men, Mr. Rigsby.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll go outside and have a smoke,

and we'll come back in five minutes.

If there's nothing doing, we'll start.

I'm very grateful, Mr. Flint.

That's all right.

That's all right.

We can handle things with tact and diplomacy.

Oh, and don't try locking the door

because we'll only have to kick the panels in.

And don't worry.

I mean, if the worst comes to worst, she'll never notice us.

You know, we removed a table last week,

they didn't even know we'd been.

Good.

And they were eating off it.

Oh, the old scan, Charlie.

Philip, Philip, can you lend me some money quickly?

Oh, yes?

And What's it for this time?

Don't tell me, I know.

Your gray haired old mammy needs an operation,

and there's only one surgeon who can perform it.

And he lives in Switzerland. - Don't be funny.

I'm serious. - All right, come on.

What is it this time?

They're taking my furniture away.

Oh, Rigsby, you can do better than that.

No, no, it's true, honestly.

They'll be standing it on the pavement any minute.

Look, you know how I value my good name.

You don't see me humiliated, do you?

Listen, Rigsby, I know why you want that money.

You're taking Brenda out.

No, it isn't.

Brenda-- oh, my god.

Oh, Brenda, there you are. - Yeah.

Yes, yes.

Look, look, I've--

I've been thinking, Brenda.

Perhaps, we ought to go out after all.

What about the cat?

Marvelous recovery.

Yes, he's chasing the dog all around the garden.

Well, I do wish you'd make up your mind.

First, you want to go out, and then you want to stop in.

And now, we're going out again.

You don't mind if I catch my breath, do you?

No, no, no, of course not.

No, we can go out.

Why don't you have a drink here before we dash off.

A sherry will really as*ault your taste buds.

Cheers. Where's the coffee table?

Oh, they've started.

I probably put it around the back.

Come on, drink up, and we can go out for a bit of a walk

up by the--

by the canal, perhaps.

Canal?

Yes, or perhaps down by the-- by the bypass--

the bye. Bye bye.

Bye bye.

Usually active in there in this time of the night, yes.

Has it got dark in here?

I don't think so, no.

I think the nights are drawn in now, you know?

I just thought you'd like a good walk, you know?

I see. You mean it's cheap.

No, no, you know what they say?

The best things in life are free.

That's what you think.

No, I just thought you'd like a trolley.

while you're, you know, such a lovely evening out.

Oh, yeah, what would you like to do?

Perhaps you'd like to see them--

oh, the trolley's gone.

Probably halfway-- halfway down the street by now.

Anyway, we can-- oh, there's Mr. Flint and Charlie

taking an inventory.

They usually drop by this--

They're not, you know?

They're taking your what's it away.

Perfectly in order.

Excuse me, miss.

Oh, I've had enough of this.

First, you want to go out, then you want to stop in.

Now, they're taking your furniture away.

The last of the big spenders?

I'll be lucky to get a bag of crisps.

I've had a very difficult--

I-- I hope it's nothing we said, Mr. Rigsby.

Glasses, Charlie.

What's he doing down there?

Heaven's sake, stop worrying.

You don't know what it's like.

He's probably got soft lights, seductive music.

Be like a spider's web.

Brenda doesn't know.

She needs protection.

Brenda can look after herself.

There you go again.

Well, you don't think he's having his evil way with her.

Why not? It's the only way he knows.

Brenda wouldn't realize.

Alan, why don't you face facts?

She realizes.

She's been around.

Rigsby's been up here twice to borrow money.

She's a gold digger.

No, she isn't.

Alan be guided by me.

I have this radar where women are concerned.

Oh, hello, Brenda. [grunts]

What's the matter?

Oh, I'm fed up.

You two coming across the road for a drink then?

Oh, well, well, I'd like to, Brenda, but I'm broke.

Oh, that's all right.

I'll treat you.

After all, it's only money.

What about that, Philip?

I've got a much better idea.

I'll buy you two both a drink.

It's the least I can do. - Hey, what about Rigsby?

I don't think he'll be coming.

There's two blokes taking his furniture away.

What?

I didn't believe him.

I wouldn't have minded if he hadn't tried to be so flash.

I can't stand that.

I'll go get my coat.

Oh, I could just sink a pint.

Did you hear that?

She could just sink a pint.

What are we waiting for?

I'll go first.

Your radar's not so good.

They haven't left you much, have they?

No, they haven't, have they?

They haven't finished yet either.

There's this.

Where are you off to then?

We're going over to the pub for a drink with Brenda.

She drinks pints.

I could just go a pint.

Of course, I'm broke.

Oh, yeah?

I suppose-- I suppose you couldn't bring me 50p,

could you, Alan?

Well, you know what it's like, Rigsby.

If I start lending you money, friendship goes straight out--

Little rotter.

Hey, let me give you a word of advice.

Neither a borrower, nor a lender.

Very funny, yes.

Eh?

Broke. - You're not that broke.

Here, look.

There's a couple of 50ps in here.

No, if you think I'm going to grovel down there, mate,

you-- you've-- you've got-- it does sound like a 50,

doesn't it?

Hey!



Marvelous.

What about this?

Perhaps the craftsmen left something down here.

Hey, Rigsby, look here.

What?

What is it?

What'd you do that for?

Get it off. - I can't.

It's stuck.

Get it off.

Where are you going?

I'm going for a drink.

I can't hang about here.

And what's all this, Mr. Rigsby?

Now, that's not very sportsmanlike, is it?

After all, possessions-- [mumbles].

Come on, let go.

I'm trying to let go, you great pot.

Nothing for it, Charlie.

He'll have to come with us.

Is Rigsby coming?

No, no.

He's giving these two a hand.

[music playing]