03x02 - Stage Struck

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

If he says one more word, just one more, I shall have him.

- Who's that, Rigsby? - Hilary.

Who do you think?

I don't know what you've got against him.

I find him very stimulating.

Oh, you would.

You've liked him ever since he admired your earrings.

[laughter]

No, it's not that.

I just think we've got a lot in common.

Yes, the same crippling fear of manual labor.

[laughter]

What I want to know is, when's he going to get a job?

He's resting.

Yes, I can see that. I'm not blind.

What I want to know is why he can't wait until nightfall

like the rest of us.

Why does he have to lounge around the house all day?

You know that "resting" is a show business

term for being out of work.

Show business!

You don't believe all that rubbish.

He's not in show business.

What's he ever done? Go on, you tell me.

Well, he's done a lot of things.

Such as?

Well, you'd be surprised.

Go on, then.

Surprise me.

He was very nearly in "Oh! Calcutta!"

Oh, yeah? What happened?

Didn't he measure up?

[laughter]

He sprained his ankle.

Yeah, from what I've heard, it's

not the only thing he sprained.

[laughter]

Anyway, I've never seen him in anything.

He was in "I, Claudius."

Was he? I watched that.

I don't remember seeing him.

Well, it was only a small part.

Yeah, it must have been.

No, he was in the orgy scene.

Ran around squeezing his grapes over everybody.

[laughter]

Egad!

Is that all he's done, squeezed a few grapes?

No wonder-- he was dressed, and the effort must

have been too much for him. [laughter]

Anyway, I still don't remember seeing him in it.

Well, you wouldn't have done. He was wearing a stag's head.

A stag's-- there you are.

You see, he's all talk, and you're so gullible.

No.

Look, he's great.

I mean, he read some poetry to us last night.

We all sat around on the floor, spellbound.

The best night I've had.

Finished up with a moussaka.

[laughter]

What?

A moussaka.

You don't know what it is, do you?

Of course, I know what it is.

[laughter]

It's Greek.

Yes, I know it's Greek.

You all join hands and dance around in a circle.

[laughter]

It's a Greek dish, Rigsby.

Oh, yeah.

I might have known.

He's got some very fancy ways, if you ask me.

He's too fond of that striped apron for my liking.

Why doesn't he go out and look for a job?

Well, he's not wasting his time.

He's written a play.

Write-- he couldn't write a play.

It's all he can do to leave a note for the milkman.

[laughter]

Well, he's written one, and it's very good.

Oh, yeah?

What's it about?

Well, it's a psychological drama, full of symbolism

and imagery, played out against the backcloth

of a dingy boarding house, and dealing

with contemporary themes.

Oh, my God.

Sounds like another "Play for Today."

[laughter] - No, it's very good.

It deals with exploitation, the declining

quality of life, the underlying violence in modern society.

Violence!

What's he know about violence?

He's only got a broken nail, he takes to his bed

for the rest of the day. [laughter]

I don't know why I'm talking to you, Rigsby.

You just don't like him.

I don't know why.

Well, for one thing, he calls me "ducky."

That's why.

If he calls me ducky once more, I shall have him.

[laughter]

Oh, hello, ducky.

[laughter]

Am I interrupting?

Yes, as a matter of fact, you are, Hilary.

Oh, I like your cardie.

It's very you, Rigsby.

Very hungry thirties.

You must let me have the name of your tailor.

Do you mind?

We happen to be having a private conversation.

Well, I won't keep you.

A word in your shell, like, Alan.

Look, could we make it later tonight?

Only this evening's been a complete disaster.

My souffle has collapsed.

[laughter]

It's just lying there, staring up at me like a creature

from the Black Lagoon. [laughter]

It's your own fault. That cooker was

never designed for souffles.

Why don't you stick to fish fingers like the rest of us?

[laughter]

It was my agent's fault. He kept me on the phone for hours--

some tatty review.

They want me to take my clothes off again--

full frontal, the lot.

Well, you wouldn't catch me taking my clothes off,

I'll tell you. [laughter]

You wait until you're asked, cheeky.

[laughter]

Well, I think he's got a nerve, asking you to do

that with all your talent.

But of course, I refused.

I told him, over my dead body.

I'm not going through that again.

I remember the catcalls the last time.

"Where were you when they were handed out?" they kept shouting.

[laughter]

Well, I mean, it leaves a scar.

[laughter] - What's the matter?

Did you get a splinter up your Carte Blanche, then?

[laughter]

I mean, a mental scar.

I've kept my bathroom door locked ever since.

Well, you've no need to worry, Hilary.

I read the play.

It's terrific.

Do you really mean that, Alan?

Yeah, of course, I mean it.

I particularly like the muscular way

you dealt with the contemporary themes, the underlying passions,

the depravity of urban life.

That hardly goes with this chintz curtains,

though, does it? [laughter]

Oh, I'm so pleased, Alan.

Look, do you think that you could make it later tonight?

Oh, yeah, suits me. I just washed my hair.

I can't do a thing with it.

Can't do a lot with the sink now, either.

[laughter]

Well, I think it improves it.

It gives it more body, and I like the way it cascades.

[laughter]

Don't you like the way it cascades, Rigsby?

No, I don't.

This place gets more like a lady's hairdresser's every day.

Don't take any notice of him.

He was the first man to discover short back and sides.

[laughter] - Oh, yeah?

So what is wrong with short back and sides?

Nothing, Rigsby.

It's just that the "I Was a Prisoner on Devil's Island"

look doesn't suit everyone. [laughter]

See you later, Alan.

What's it going to be this evening, then,

verse reading or home perms?

Neither.

We're going to read my play.

Alan has graciously agreed to play the lead.

Do what?

Uh, see you later, Hilary.

You're not serious?

Yeah, this could be my big chance.

You?

I mean, you can't act.

You can't even speak properly. [laughter]

It don't matter.

Hilary says I've got this basic virility.

Virility?

[laughs] You've got about as much virility

as a wooden rocking horse.

[laughter]

I knew you'd put the dampers on it, Rigsby.

This is my big chance, and I'm going to take it.

And no one's going to stop me. - Oh-h*, right.

Off you go.

[chuckles]

- What's the matter with Alan? - Oh, nothing.

Just the usual.

Yes, it happens every so often.

He gets this yearning for culture, burns all his pinups,

and starts playing classical records.

It won't last long.

He'll soon be down at my door, knocking to see "Tom and Jerry."

The trouble with you is, Rigsby,

as soon as you hear the word "culture,"

you reach for your revolver.

What's wrong with a cultural evening once in a while?

Ohh, listen, who's talking.

Before you came here, your idea of a cultural evening

was running around with someone's head on a pole.

[laughter]

And what's your idea of a cultural evening,

throwing beer cans at the cat?

Do you know he's going to act in Hilary's play?

Why not?

It'll be good for him. - No, it won't.

I know these modern plays.

They're depressing.

They spend all evening drinking and jumping on the baby.

[laughter]

It's not quite like that.

It's more of a love story.

Oh?

Do you mean there's a-- there's woman in it, is it?

[laughter]

Yes.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Is there-- is there any uh, uh?

[laughter]

Oh, yes.

Does he actually get to uh, uh?

- He never stops. - Oh?

It's a stormy affair, played out in a garret,

with lots of searing kisses.

Oh, the crafty little sod.

I might have known.

[laughter]

That makes me worried about him.

Lots of searing kisses, eh?

Searing kisses all through the text, one passionate love scene

after another.

Eh, they'll probably have blokes in asbestos suits,

waiting to pull him apart.

[laughter]

And then there are always a few private rehearsals.

Oh, yes, there's the rehearsals, aren't there?

Yes.

Yes, that crafty-- I bet she's nice, too.

- Who? - The woman.

Eh? - Oh, yes.

He's a crafty-- I bet he picked her out himself.

[chuckles] I wonder who it is.

Didn't they tell you?

Miss Jones.

What!

[laughter]

[fly buzzing]

[swat]

[fly buzzing]

Are you in, Ruth?

Yes.

Come in.

Have you read it yet?

Oh, almost.

Well--

[laughter]

--what do you think of it?

I want you to be brutally honest.

Oh, it's all crumpled.

Well, I just couldn't put it down, Hilary.

What's this?

It's a dead fly.

[laughter]

Someone has been swatting flies with it.

No, no, no, no.

It's probably a currant.

[laughter]

I couldn't put it down even at mealtimes.

Oh, do you really mean that?

Oh, of course I do, silly.

Does that mean that you're going to do it?

Well, I don't know, Hilary.

I'm not an actress.

Oh, nonsense.

You'd make a marvelous Maggie.

Yes, but she keeps attacking people with a bread knife.

[laughter]

Well, haven't you ever felt like attacking

someone with a bread knife?

Yes, but I've always fought the impulse, Hilary.

[laughter]

Yes, but you must remember that she's been driven mad

by drink, and she's consumed with this overriding

passion for Slim.

You could do it, Ruth.

I've been watching you.

Have you, Hilary?

Yes.

[laughter]

On the surface, cool and aloof,

but underneath, a seething cauldron of emotion,

capable of great passion.

You're not the first person to have noticed that, Hilary.

[laughter]

There you are, you see.

And you're an instinctive actress.

Yes, thank you.

I mean, your walk, for example.

How did you learn to walk like that?

I don't know. [laughter]

I just sort of put one foot in front of the other.

[laughter]

But you must have had acting experience.

Well, I was in an Agatha Christie once.

Ah, I knew it.

Yes, it was quite a challenge, really.

I was strangled in the first scene.

[laughter]

I had to lie there for hours, with people stepping over me.

I wouldn't have minded, but the small boy in the audience

kept poking me with a stick to see if I was alive.

[laughter]

That must have required a great deal of control.

Yes, it did.

I received considerable praise.

The local paper said, we have to go a long way to find

anyone deader than Miss Jones.

[laughter]

There you are, you see.

I knew you could do it.

Well, since you have such faith in me, Hilary,

how can I refuse?

Oh, splendid!

Oh.

You'll never guess who's going to play opposite you.

I think I can.

Someone exciting and dynamic.

How did you guess?

[laughter]

Just call it female intuition.

I think he's going to make a real name for himself one day.

He certainly has done with me.

He has this virile quality.

Yes, I know.

When do we start?

[laughter]

When he comes down.

Pardon?

Well, he's just washed his hair.

Who?

Why, Alan, of course.

Alan!

[laughter]

[music playing]

You must do it with more feeling!

And, Ruth, when you attack him with a bread knife,

look as if you mean it.

- Oh. - Right.

Sorry, Hilary.

Now, once again, from the top.

Oh, my God.

I can't go on.

Life's a hollow sham, a lousy, hollow sham.

No, it's not, Maggie.

It's a lousy cage.

We're prisoners in a lousy cage.

This room is a lousy cage.

This house is a lousy cage.

Life is a lousy cage.

It's not a lousy cage, Slim.

It's a hollow sham, a lousy, hollow sham.

[laughter]

It's no good.

I must have a fix.

Where did you put my syringe?

[laughter]

Don't get mad, Slim.

I put it down the loo.

[laughter]

Why, you no good tr*mp--

I thought so.

You've been on the gin again.

Take your hands off-- oh--

take your hands off me, you big ape, or I'll

carve you up like sliced bread.

Hilary, are you sure this is supposed

to be a tender love scene?

Of course.

Just let it develop.

Oh, I see.

Take your hands off me, you big ape, or I'll

carve you up like sliced bread!

We'll see about that.

[grunting]

- Hey, it's sharp! - Oh, sorry.

Oh, come on.

You're doing splendidly.

[laughter]

[grunting, screaming]

All right!

It's all right, Miss Jones! I've got him!

I've got him! [laughter]

I knew this would happen one day!

Hey, Rigsby!

Rigsby, do you mind?

We're rehearsing.

Sorry, Hilary.

It was Miss Jones.

She was so convincing.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Rigsby.

- Can we get on? - Yes.

I'm sorry, Hilary. Don't let me interrupt.

Please, carry on.

Now, what was the next line?

I'm not doing it in front of him.

[laughter]

Alan, you must get used to playing in front of an audience.

We had to stop for the window cleaner yesterday.

[laughter] - He'll laugh.

No, I won't.

Now, can we get on?

Now, Ruth?

Ruth, you're suddenly consumed with this burning

passion for Alan. - Yes.

Is this a comedy?

[laughter]

No.

- Oh, Slim. - [laughs]

Oh, Slim!

[laughter]

There you are.

Look, I told you--

You can't call him Slim unless you're

going to do it in whalebones.

[laughter]

I mean, unless you want a few laughs you didn't bargain for,

you'll have to call him something else.

Oh, what do you suggest?

Well, how about Podge?

[laughter] - His name is Slim.

Now, will you please stop interrupting?

Sorry, Hilary.

Ruth.

Oh, Slim, that kiss has opened the floodgates.

My whole being is yearning for you.

You little fool, I love you madly, passionately, devotedly.

Oh, Slim, quench this fire that's burning within me.

[laughter]

I'm going to take you away from all this,

away from this miserable hovel.

We'll start a new life.

[laughter]

Yes, we'll get that white-walled cottage,

with the roses twining around the door.

Maggie-- look, is he going to eat them crisps all night?

[laughter] - Rigsby!

Sorry, Hilary.

Nearly finished.

[laughter]

Maggie, I'm going to kiss you like you've

never been kissed before.

Oh, God, this should be interesting.

[laughter]

Oh, do you call that a kiss?

And what's wrong with it?

You're supposed to be kissing her, not licking an envelope.

[laughter]

Well, that does it.

I'm not rehearsing with him here.

Now, Alan!

Oh, Mr. Rigsby, now you've upset him.

He'll get it all right with practice.

Oh, Ruth!

There!

Now, see what you've done.

You've reduced my rehearsals to a sham.

Well, I'm sorry, Hilary, but really, I

think you're backing a loser.

They're the wrong temperament.

You need someone with a bit of poise and experience,

and, of course, the classic profile.

Who do you suggest?

You're looking at him.

[laughter]

You, Rigsby?

I've always had this strange power over an audience,

even when I was a kid.

Yes, at school, I was picked for the nativity play

every year without fail.

Oh, what part did you play?

Well, Herod, actually, but-- [laughter]

--there's been a lot since.

It's in the blood, you know, smell of the greasepaint, roar

of the crowd.

Yes, during the w*r, I used to do a marvelous

Hunchback of Notre Dame-- no makeup, just a cushion

on my back. [laughter]

Used to frighten the lads half to death.

Yes, I can imagine.

Used to do this eye-gouging scene

with a couple of black grapes.

That sent a shiver through the hood, I can tell you.

Yes, all right, ducky. We'll let you know.

I used to do a marvelous Long John Silver.

Arr, Sir Jim, you come along with me.

Now, then, Polly, you dirty bugger!

What are you doing on my shoulder?

There's a little yellow idol to the north of Kathmandu,

and a broken marble cross below the town--

- Very good, Rigsby-- - --and a broken-hearted widow--

Don't ring us.

--was known as Mad Carew--

Will you get out?

[laughter]

Oh, you're going through with it, then?

Of course.

Well, I wouldn't if I were you,

not the way things are going.

How do you mean, the way things are going?

Hilary, have you noticed anything odd about him?

No.

Nothing unusual in his manner?

Well, it's a bit theatrical.

Oh?

[laughs] Yes, you could put it that way.

Yes. Yeah.

Well, they're all the same, aren't they?

I mean, bound to, you know, putting on makeup and wigs

every night.

Bound to send them funny, eh?

How do you mean, funny?

He's one of them.

[laughter]

What?

He's one of them!

One of them what?

Oh!

Well, thank God, you're naive.

Didn't your parents ever tell you about taking

sweets from strangers?

[laughter] - Well, they didn't have to.

Nobody ever offered me any.

[laughter]

Never? Eh?

I mean, surely you've been approached

by some kindly stranger, offering to show

you his Hornby train set?

[laughter]

Well, I don't know how to break this to you, Alan,

but Hilary is not as other men.

Oh, you mean he's q*eer?

Yeah, keep your voice down!

[laughter]

Of course.

Didn't it occur to you?

No, but I don't think it's really important.

Of course, it's important.

In my day, it meant prison.

[laughter]

We live in more enlightened times, Rigsby.

Parliament's made it legal.

Yeah, I'm not surprised with that lot.

We're lucky they didn't make it compulsory.

[laughter]

I feel sorry for you, Rigsby.

I mean, you're so reactionary.

I'm glad I'm not like that.

So am I, because it's not me he's after.

[laughter]

You know who it is, don't you? - Who?

You. [laughter]

What?

I told you to get your haircut.

[laughter] - Hey, Rigsby, how do you know?

Oh-h*, I know the signs.

I mean, I saw it happen too often in the desert.

Oh, yes, nothing but sand and flies for miles.

Never a woman. Oh, yes.

You had to be careful who you shared a foxhole

with in those days, you know.

[laughter]

Especially the ones who said, oh, isn't it cold?

Let's all huddle up together.

[laughter]

It wasn't only the Afrika Korps you had

to watch out for then, mate.

Mind you, you never went to sleep at your post.

Hey, Rigsby, what am I going to do?

Only one thing you can do.

Keep your hand on it, mate.

[laughter]

What's the matter, Alan?

You look stunned.

Rigsby has just told me something terrible.

What's that?

I can't bring myself to say it.

Well, I think you'd better.

You look about to burst.

[laughter]

He's just told me Hilary is that way.

So what?

About me.

- Is that all? - What do you mean, is that all?

How do you think I feel?

I thought you were broad minded.

Well, I'm not that broad minded.

[laughter] I don't know what to do.

Has this ever happened to you?

Oh, yes, all the time.

[laughter]

It's never happened to me.

No?

Well, you've got to be good looking.

[laughter]

Oh, when I say never.

I mean not recently, you know.

[laughter]

What am I going to do about it?

Just don't encourage him.

You haven't been encouraging him, have you?

No, certainly not.

I suppose you think we're decadent.

Oh, no.

We have them out in Africa as well.

You can usually tell them.

Always a bit heavy on the warpaint.

[laughter]

What am I going to do?

Well, get rid of the April violets.

And whatever you do, remember, don't flutter your eyelashes.

[laughter]

Oh--

[laughter]

Sorry, am I interrupting?

I just wanted to have a word with Alan.

Oh, that's all right.

I was just going.

No, Philip--

Ah, no, no.

You two want to be alone.

[laughter]

I hope you don't mind, Alan, but I

think that we ought to have an extra rehearsal tonight.

[laughter]

Well, I'm not sure about that, Hilary.

You see, I have a--

[laughter]

--I have a game of squash with some of the chaps from college.

Oh, I didn't know you played squash.

Oh, yes, I like to keep fit.

I have a run before breakfast, a run back, a cold shower,

a rub down with surgical spirits.

[laughter]

Helps to keep me in trim.

Oh, that reminds me. I've got to get my hair cut.

Oh, no.

[laughter]

Not your hair.

That's your crowning glory, Alan.

A bit of a nuisance in the scrum.

[laughter]

You mean to say you play rugger as well?

Oh, yes, It makes a man of you.

But what about rehearsals?

Oh, well, I've been thinking about that, Hilary,

and I don't think this acting really is my cup of tea.

I don't really think I'm cut out for it.

I'd prefer to see a good stripper any day.

[laughter]

Oh, Slim, life's a sham, a lousy sham.

Get out!

I never want to see you--

[laughter]

Oh, you were-- I thought you were talking to me.

[laughs] So I hear Alan has dropped out, Miss Jones.

Yes, Mr Rigsby.

But never mind, the show must go on.

Absolutely.

Fortunately, there's someone ready to step into the breach

at a moment's notice. - That's true.

Yes, someone with excellent good looks,

virility, and, of course, a great deal of personal charm.

- Oh, I do agree. - Yes.

Yes, I thought you'd get my drift, Miss Jones.

The part might as well have been written for me.

You?

I was talking about Hilary.

Hilary?

Oh, no, he couldn't play the part, Miss Jones.

I mean, where's his virility?

Where is his inner violence?

Oh, no, no.

He nearly ruptured himself putting up his chintz curtains.

[laughter]

But he's an actor.

Surely, he can play any part.

Oh, yes.

But he is an actor with a problem, Miss Jones.

What do you mean, Mr. Rigsby?

Oh, nature has played a cruel joke on that man, Miss Jones.

You don't mean?

Yes, I'm afraid, so.

Yes. Yes.

Not his fault, of course.

An imbalance of chromosomes, yes.

But Hilary is not as other men.

- Are you sure, Mr. Rigsby? - Absolutely.

You'd be wasting your time there, Miss Jones, yes.

Like an empty slot machine.

You put your money in, nothing comes out.

[laughter]

Not even if you kick it.

Oh, I can't believe it.

He's so--

Yeah, exactly.

That's my point.

Yes.

Surely you've noticed, Miss Jones, his foppish manner,

the slack wrist.

Oh, you should have heard him the other night,

going, "oh, ducky, the evening has been an absolute disaster.

My souffle has collapsed, staring up at me like a creature

from the Black Lagoon.

If I--"

[laughter]

Hi, Hilary.

I must be getting along, then.

If you'll just excuse me.

You see what I mean?

[laughter]

Oh, Hilary, Miss Jones said you wanted to have a word with me

about something.

Yes, Rigsby, it's about your impersonation of me last night.

Yes, yes.

I'm sorry about that, Hilary.

I hope you didn't mind.

It was a bit embarrassing.

It was just the actor in me coming out.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I was rather impressed.

Oh?

I'm thinking of offering you the part of Slim.

Now, there you are.

Yes, I knew you'd come round to my way.

You see, I've got it, haven't I?

The good looks, the virility, the silver tongue, yes.

I think you might even subconsciously

have based the part on me. - Yes.

Well, you're a little old, but it might just work.

[laughter] - Yes, of course.

Should I fetch Miss Jones, and we can have a rehearsal?

No, that won't be necessary.

I'll take her part.

[laughter]

Now, why don't you come and sit down here next to me,

and let me hear you read?

Right.

Where should we start, then?

Page 90, from the top.

Page 90, all right.

Oh, what strong, sensitive hands you've got.

[laughter]

You might be just the man for me.

[laughter]

You all right?

[laughter]

Right.

Oh, Maggie--

[laughter]

Oh, Slim, that kiss has opened the floodgates.

My whole being is yearning for you.

Oh, you--

[laughter]

--you little fool.

I love you madly and passionately and devotedly.

Oh, Slim, quench this fire that's burning within me.

[laughter]

I'm going to take you away from this miserable hovel,

and we'll start a new life.

[laughter]

Yes--

[laughter]

--we'll get a white-walled cottage, with roses

entwined around the door.

[laughter]

Well, go on, Rigsby.

[laughter]

Maggie, I'm going to kiss you as you've never been kissed--

[laughter]

Get out of here!

It's no--

[laughter]

It's no good, Hilary.

I just haven't got it, have I?

Oh, I thought you were doing rather well.

No, no, no, no.

You're just being kind, Hilary.

No, the old magic is gone.

No, I couldn't play a romantic lead, not with my feet.

You know, trench foot.

[laughter]

I'm just no good at the part, Alan.

You'll just have to get someone else, I'm afraid.

[laughter]

RUTH: Oh, Slim, that kiss has opened the floodgates.

My whole being is yearning for you.

HILARY: You little fool.

I love you madly, devotedly.

Shh.

You'll never guess what's happened.

Huh?

Hilary is playing the part himself.

He's rehearsing Miss Jones in the big love scene.

It should be going.

HILARY: --away from this miserable hovel, into a--

oh, Rigsby, do you mind?

We're rehearsing. - Oh, yes, I know, Hilary.

I'm sorry.

We just wanted to see a real professional at work, you know.

[chuckles]

Oh.

Yes, all right. - All right.

All right.

Miss Jones, once again.

Yes, I'll try and get it right this time, Hilary.

Oh, you little fool.

I love you madly, devotedly, passionately.

Oh, Slim, quench this fire that's burning within me.

Maggie, I'm going to kiss you.

I'm going to kiss you in a way that you've

never been kissed before.

[laughter]

Are you sure you're right about Hilary, Rigsby?

I think she's kissing with her mouth open.

[laughter]

Now, I get up and go over to the window.

And Ruth--

[laughter]

Are you all right, Ruth?

Do you think we could do that again?

[laughter]

You little fool.

No, just the kiss.

[laughter]

What's he doing? Look at this!

Never mind, Rigsby.

He's only acting. - He's not acting.

He's not one of them.

He's one of us, the dirty little--

[laughter]

What are we going to do?

What are you going to do?

What am I going to do?

I've had my hair cut!

[laughter]

Oh, Hilary!

Oh, Ruth!

Oh, Miss Jones!

[laughter]

[theme music]

[applause]

[theme music]

[cheering, applause]

[theme music]

[cheering, applause]