03x03 - Clunk Click

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

[tire screeching]

[engine revving]

Blimey, it's d*ck Dastardly.

That's right, be funny.

I wanted to know what you thought of it.

It's very nice, Rigsby.

I've always wanted a car like this.

I bet it can go. - Go?

I'll say it can go, mate.

I was just a blur coming down the motorway.

I was passing everything, and that was with the handbrake on.

I thought you were going to get a mini.

No, no, I decided against that.

No, it's too small.

You can lose them in a pile of dead leaves.

Ah, yes.

I'm not saying it won't be useful

where Miss Jones is concerned.

[chuckles]

So that's the reason?

Yeah, it won't make any difference.

You know, Ruth's not going to be impressed just

because she owns a sports car.

Oh, mate.

Mr. Rigsby, what a lovely car.

I saw it from the window.

Ah.

Do you like it, Miss Jones?

Oh, I adore it.

- Yeah? - Women.

Oh. [blowing raspberries]

What's the matter with Alan?

It's all right, Miss Jones.

He's jealous.

After all, he's only got a Raleigh 3 speed.

You've certainly got a lovely shine, Mr. Rigsby.

Yes, I've been waxing her body, Miss Jones.

Perhaps you'd like to come for a spin sometime?

Oh, yes.

It's years since I've been in a sports car.

Yeah, perhaps, you'd like to take the wheel, Miss.

Jones. - Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Rigsby.

Unhappily, I've never learned to drive.

Ah, and didn't know you were a pedestrian, Miss Jones.

Oh, yes, Mr. Rigsby.

Driving seems to bring the worst out in people.

I don't think I can stand all the bad temper and the swearing.

Oh, you could always try counting up to 10, Miss Jones.

I didn't mean me, Mr. Rigsby.

I was referring to the other motorists.

Yes, well, we're not all like that, Miss Jones.

I always say, if you lose control of yourself,

how can you control your car?

Oh, that's very true. [chuckles]

Yes, yes.

I was thinking, Miss Jones, perhaps you'd like to--

like to drive out to the country club tomorrow night.

They're holding a dance.

- The country club? - Yes.

Yes.

There'll be lanterns strung across the terrace,

light-hearted banter down the swimming pool,

a crunch of tires upon gravel, a sleek pair

of expensive limousines.

Have you been before, Mr. Rigsby?

Uh, no, no.

It never seemed to go with the--

never seemed to go with the Anglia somehow.

It would mean a long dress, And I could

borrow Aunt Ada's fox fur.

RIGSBY: Yeah.

Yes, it would be very exciting.

Yes, we usually go on till dawn.

Oh, I can just picture it, Mr. Rigsby.

Two people in evening dress in the early morning,

a balloon trailing behind them.

Yep.

Birds singing, dawn breaking over the slag heaps.

He hums a tune of--

[scatting]

She dances a few steps.

Oh, Miss Jones.

Her long dress twirling in the dewy grass.

[chuckles]

It would be so romantic.

I'll go and phone Aunt Ada immediately.

Off you go.

Ask her to get the fox out of the mothballs.

I'll pay for the call, Miss Jones.

[chuckles]

[SINGING] Oh, hey, Vienna, Vienna.

I think we've cracked it at last.

[chuckles]

Oh, Miss Jones.

Miss Jones.

I had no idea we were so short of petrol.

[gasps] [exhales] Oh, dear.

I'm afraid we are stuck here for the night.

[chuckles]

Seen Rigsby's new car?

No, but I heard the screech of tires.

Has he k*lled anyone yet?

Nah.

He will.

Are you going to see it?

No, I'm not interested.

I consider the motor car to be a threat to the environment.

Hmm, might be a threat to the environment,

but it certainly pulls the birds.

You should have seen Miss Jones.

She was nearly purring.

That car's wasted on Rigsby.

Now, if I had it--

But I thought you'd got a girl.

What?

You mean Caroline?

Yeah, and how long am I going to keep her, hey?

She got class.

Don't catch her sticking her chewing gum

on the back of cinema seats.

She comes from a good family.

Is that why she's got that funny voice?

She ain't got a funny voice.

She sounds like a cat sliding on a blackboard.

They all talk like that.

It comes from shouting at the servants.

Yeah.

The question is, how long is she going to stick with somebody who

travels by Yorkshire Traction?

I don't see what you're worried about.

Obviously, it doesn't matter to her whether you have a car

or not.

Ah, well, you've got a point there,

you see, because she does think I have got a car.

What gave her that idea?

Well, I've only met her in the coffee bar, you see.

And I park my bike around the back

and go in throwing these car keys up in the air,

so she thinks I've got a car.

I'm not surprised.

Now she wants me to take her home for the weekend.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I don't think she'd fancy traveling



[tire screeching]

[scatting]

Rigsby, you could have k*lled me.

Well, you nearly ran me down out there.

You missed me by inches.

Oh, as close as that, was it?

[chuckles] Oh, it's all right.

It was nothing personal.

I was trying to-- trying to avoid the cat.

Cat?

What about me?

That's typical of you, Rigsby.

You'd swerve, avoid the cat, and run down a dozen pedestrians.

No, no, it's not like that.

It's just that I can see him better.

What do you need a car for anyway?

They cause pollution, use up the world's resources,

and in the wrong hands, can be as lethal as a loaded revolver.

You just don't understand, do you?

A car is essential in this country.

You can't travel by jungle creep around here, you know.

You could use a bicycle.

A bicycle?

Look, I'm taking Miss Jones to the country club.

What are you suggesting we do?

Go by tandem?

[chuckles]

I can just see me handing in my clips of the commissioner there.

Yeah, so I know what's the trouble with you, mate.

You are jealous because I'm taking

Miss Jones out for the evening.

Well, you can eat your heart out,

because as soon as I have finished filling

my cigarette case, I shall be away,

and I will not be back until dawn.

Do I look all right, Mr. Rigsby?

All right, Miss Jones, you look ravishing.

Well, I was wondering about this.

Hmm?

You don't think it looks a bit odd?

Well, why should it look odd, Miss Jones?

Well, it's Aunt Ada's, I think it's a bit old-fashioned now.

I think it's the head.

I keep thinking something's leapt on me from behind.

Shouldn't give it a moment's thought, Miss Jones.

It suits you.

What do you think, Philip?

What do I think of it?

I think it's just another example of the way

so-called civilized countries are decimating the animal

kingdom and just to satisfy the whims of fashion

to grace the idle, pampered shoulders of Western women.

You don't like it?

No.

I think it's disgusting.

Well, I didn't k*ll it.

And I'm sure Aunt Ada didn't.

You can't transfer your guilt as easily as that, Ruth.

You're wearing it.

Oh, now, just a minute.

How do you know he didn't die of old age?

Looks contented enough to me.

You feeling all right?

Of course I am.

Yeah?

Well, I think it's obscene, Rigsby.

[chuckles]

At least we only k*ll for food and warmth,

not for the country club.

Oh, dear.

Oh, god, now I've upset him.

Perhaps I ought not to wear it.

No, no, it is perfectly all right, Miss Jones,

as long as Peter Scott doesn't turn up.

Do you really think it suits me?

Miss Jones, you look sensational.

I promise you, when we walk through those doors,

every head will turn.

And you know what they'll be thinking,

"Beauty and the Beast."

Oh, I don't know, Mr. Rigsby.

You look very nice, too.

I was referring to the fox, actually.

Oh.

[chuckles] I'm sorry, Mr. Rigsby.

Well, should we get down to the car, Miss Jones?

Those seat belts are a bit tricky, and I want to get you

strapped down as quickly-- uh--

strapped in as safely as possible.

Oh, yes, Mr. Rigsby, Clunk Click Every Trip.

Yes, Miss Jones.

I sincerely hope so, anyway.

[engine revving]

You-- you feeling any better now, Miss Jones?

Must have been a very nasty shock.

I'll see if I can--

I'll see if I can prize you loose.

My word, you have got a tight hold on this support.

I'll try and loosen your fingers one by one.

This little piggy went to market.

Now for the left hand.

Yeah.

Right, back with you.

Oh!

Now, watch the-- watch the-- watch the handbrake, Miss Jones.

[screams]

That's it.

Feeling any better?

[chuckles tensely]

I thought my last moment had come.

Well, I know it said humpback bridge, Miss Jones,

but I didn't expect it to be as steep as that.

Mr. Rigsby, if my foot hadn't caught in the door handle,

I'd have ended up in the canal.

I think you're probably right.

That was extremely reckless driving.

Couldn't we look upon it as a minor blemish on an otherwise

perfect evening?

A perfect evening?

The times my past life flashed before me, it was terrifying.

It wasn't as bad as that, surely, Miss Jones.

You may think that chasing rabbits down

a country lane is a perfect way to round off an evening,

but I don't.

But the-- the-- the-- the country club was very nice,

though, Miss Jones, wasn't it?

Oh, yes, the country club.

Yeah.

You know how sensitive I was about Aunt Ada's fur.

And what did you say when I handed it in?

"Put a bowl of water down for him.

We'll be back later."

Only my little joke.

I didn't know where to put myself.

And later, when you fought over the balloons.

Well, the red one was definitely mine.

There was no need to burst everyone else's.

My impression was you've had too much to drink.

Oh, no. No, Miss Jones.

Not when I'm driving.

I may have had a little over the limit,

but it usually makes me drive better, actually.

Really?

And what about the collision at the crossroads?

It was only a scratch.

A scratch?

We dragged his front bumper for three miles,

and you wouldn't stop.

Yes, well, we did have a right of way, Miss Jones.

No one was hurt.

It's what we motorists call knock for knock.

[groans] The way he was chasing us,

I think he wanted to get his knock in there and then.

What happens to you when you get behind a wheel, Mr. Rigsby?

It was like "Death Race 2000."

I don't care if I ever see that car again.

You should be banned.

But apart from that, Miss Jones, did you--

did you enjoy the evening?

Oh!

[thud]

Apparently not.

Vienna, where are you?

[squeaks]

Should be home by now, boy.

Where is he? Vienna.

Oh, Rigsby.

A man called earlier when you were in bed.

He said he wanted to see you. - A man?

What did he want? - Well, he didn't say.

He was very anxious to see you. He'll be back this evening.

All right.

What did-- what did he look like?

Oh, a medium height, well-spoken, expensive clothes.

Yeah, all right.

- His front bumper was missing. - Yeah.

What?

[chuckles] Probably some chap from the rotary

wanted me to join.

They've been after me for a long time.

[chuckles] Now, where's that cat?

Vienna.

Vienna.

Oh, no.

What's the matter, Rigsby?

Oh, Philip, could you--

could you have a look there behind-- behind the back wheel.

Is he-- is he dead?

Oh, yes, he's been dead for some time.

No.

[sobbing]

Would you like to examine him?

No, no.

I couldn't look at him now.

There's a-- there's a sack or something there,

can you put him in, please, Philip?

- Certainly, Rigsby. - Oh!

Vienna.

Vienna.

I told you not to sleep on the garage floor,

and now it's too late.

Now, look what I've done.

I'll never drink and drive again.

Oh, my little boy.

[sobbing]

There's nothing left of him.

Oh, funny to think he'll never creep up on my lap

and sink his claws into my thighs anymore.

Oh, never mind, Rigsby.

Perhaps, he hasn't died in vain.

Perhaps, he's a sacrifice.

Yeah.

A warning so that other people might live.

You may be right.

What kills me is I've just bought 20 tins of cat food

for him.

Oh, never mind, Rigsby, you'll get over it.

Would you like to be left alone with your thoughts,

for a few minutes? - Yes, please, Phil.

Thank you very much.

You can be very sensitive at times.

Thanks.

Oh, Vienna.

Hey, Rigsby, look at this.

RIGSBY: What about it?

You've run over it.

I didn't.

I would have known if I'd run over it.

You must have run over it last night when you had a skinful.

Look, I did not have a skinful.

Well, what am I going to do now?

I'm stuck for transport.

Hey, [stuttering] I don't--

No, you keep-- you're not borrowing them.

You keep away from sports cars, mate.

This insatiable quest for speed can only lead to tragedy.

Do you-- do you know who's in there?

[chuckles]

No.

No.

No, don't laugh, Alan.

Vienna, I ran over him last night.

Oh, I'm sorry, Rigsby.

I didn't know.

It's all right.

ALAN: What are you going to do with him?

I don't know.

I mean, he wasn't just a pet, you know.

He was more of a companion, a friend.

I shall find some sunny spot, some nook,

some shady bank where he can sheath his claws forevermore.

Could put him in the vegetable patch.

What should I put him there for?

We could get some big cabbages next year.

My god, you're tasteless, aren't you?

And I don't want to be digging him up every spring, do I?

Sorry, Rigsby, I--

I understand how you must feel.

I'll be all right when I've composed myself.

ALAN: Yeah.

Just give me a moment.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Rigsby, about this car--

Oh, get out.

Come on, then, last year, hey.

Bottom of the garden, shall we make it?

Oh, come on, off we go.

There's a good boy.

[tires approaching]

Uh. Good morning.

My name is French.

I'm looking for the owner of a white sports car.

Uh, white sports--

I understand he lives here.

White sports car?

No, no, no, no. What in the world?

Who told you that?

One of the tenants.

Oh, it wasn't--

it wasn't a dark-complexioned chap, was it?

Someone you-- you'd associate with warmer climes?

- Yes. - Oh.

Yes, sure.

Yes, I wouldn't take any notice of him.

He's only been over here five minutes.

He probably didn't understand what you were saying.

Well, he spoke perfect English.

Yes, yes, he would.

He'd say anything to make himself agreeable, yes.

I think he's probably an ill*gal immigrant.

You haven't seen a white sports car?

No, no, definitely not.

Forgive me asking, haven't we met somewhere before?

No, no.

Definite-- I don't think so.

You see, I am a magistrate.

I do meet a lot of people. - Yes.

A ma-- a magist-- oh.

[chuckles] Must be very interesting work.

Your face is very familiar.

No, it's-- it's probably the squint.

Everyone notices it.

No, I don't think so.

Well, as long as it wasn't in court.

Oh, my dear sir, I wasn't suggesting.

No, no, of course. No, no.

No, if I hear anything about a white sports car,

I shall certainly let you know.

But it's not the sort of thing we get a lot of around here.

Oh.

Now, if you'll excuse me, we've

just had a death in the family.

If you'd just-- you'll have to--

Huh!

That's it.

What?

That.

Good heavens, this is a white sports car.

Where on earth did that come from?

And look at these scratches.

You know, I have every reason to believe that I was

in collision with this car last night,

and the driver didn't stop.

He did-- oh, the swine.

What is the world coming to?

Yeah.

I don't suppose you know who this belongs to?

No, no, but I shall certainly make inquiries, sir.

I shall leave no stone unturned.

Well, I'd certainly like to meet him.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll call back, if I may.

Shall I say 7 o'clock?

Yes, you can say what you like.

Oh, yes, 7 o'clock.

Yes, well, I'll--

I'll see you again about 7:00, then.



Right, sir.

[chuckles] You won't be seeing me at 7:00.

[cranking]

Oh, what a super little car.

Yeah, not bad, is it?

You've certainly kept this a big secret.

To tell the truth, I've begun to wonder if you'd got one.

Do you really?

No, it's just out of commission, I'm afraid.

Oh, couldn't you fix it?

After all, you are an advanced motorist.

Well, I've tried.

I think it's the transmission.

Can't get a peep out of her.

It must have been that rally I was on the other night.

Very hairy, fog and ice all the way.

Yeah, aquaplaned three times.

Mind you, all that practice on the skid patch

must have paid off.

Then my fan belt went, and I replaced it with my braces

and finished third.

Oh, super.

Mind if I look inside?

No, go ahead.

Howard's got one like this.

Souped up, of course.

Howard?

You know Howard.

Oh, you mean the bloke with the Sealink stickers and GB

plates and BA shoulder bags?

Yes, he's driven all over Europe.

Super.

Mind you, we were going to do that last year.

Three of us bought an old van that's souped up, of course.

Of course.

Yeah, we were going to go through Europe, then Turkey,

over the mountains into Pakistan, down through India,

and then ship into Australia.

CAROLINE: What happened?

Got to the end of the road and the wheel fell off.

Oh, hard cheese.

Oh, you've left the keys in.

Oh.

[cranking]

Oh.

[engine revving]

It's going.

Super, we'll be able to go after all.

[engine revving]

I'll just go and ring Mummy.

Look, you see--

I'm sorry about that, Rigsby.

I suppose you heard.

Yes, I heard.

Now, I wasn't going to take it.

Oh, no, no, much--

I was just trying to make an impression.

--going to take it.

[chuckles] Oh, that's all right, Alan.

That's all right.

I understand, yeah.

Do you?

Yes, yes, you can borrow it if you want.

Yes, I was young myself once.

Yes, used to lay it on a bit.

I told them I drove at Brooklands.

Yes, you can borrow it. You can say-- you can have it.

You can say it's yours. - Do you mean that, Rigsby?

Yes, yes.

After cleaning up Vienna last night, I don't feel

like driving anymore, you see.

It's yours.

From now on, it's yours.

I never owned it.

It can be our little secret, hey?

Hey, that's very good of you, Rigsby.

Oh, you know me, all heart.

Come on, Alan.

Get your Globe-Trotter.

Oh, dear.

Oh.

[chuckles]

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Is this your car?

Yeah, that's right. [chuckles]

You were in collision with me last night.

[stammering] was I?

And you didn't stop.

You drove on as though nothing had happened.

Well, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize that--

Oh, please, don't--

don't apologize.

[chuckles] No, you had right of way.

I'm afraid I was a little careless.

I just wanted to check that-- you know,

get the matter cleared up.

What?

Well, I'm very glad to see there's so little damage.

Though, you must allow me to make some sort of restitution,

if only for my mistake.

Would-- um, would 10 pounds cover it?

Well, thanks very much.

Oh, not at all.

It's so nice of you to be so kind about it.

You know, some people might have reported me.

And, well, as a magistrate, I really can't

afford a dreadful scandal.

Good night.

See you, Rigsby.

[engine cranks]

[engine revving]

All right, lad.

[sobbing] Good night, Vienna.

Mr. Rigsby, have you seen my fur stole?

I seem to have mislaid it.

Well, it was on the back seat of the car last time

I saw it, Miss Jones.

Well, I must have it.

Auntie just phoned up about it.

You see, the only trouble is Alan's borrowed it.

What on earth for?

He'll look ridiculous in it.

No, Miss Jones, the car, I mean.

I'll let you have back as soon as he-- as soon as he returns.

Thank you, Mr. Rigsby.

Miss-- Miss Jones, I'd like to apologize

for my conduct the other night.

That's all right, Mr. Rigsby.

I've stopped shaking now, and I've

managed a few hours sleep with the aid

of my little red tablets.

I realize it was very reckless driving,

but I have learned my lesson.

Yes, I should hope so.

Yes, Miss Jones, when I drove home last night,

I unwittingly struck down an old friend and companion.

Not Mr. Baxter from the British Legion?

No, Vienna, Miss Jones.

Vienna?

Oh, what can I say, Mr. Rigsby?

I know how fond you were of each other.

There's nothing to say, Miss Jones, and it was my fault.

[exhales deeply]

What have you done with him?

Well, I was going to bury him in the garden, Miss Jones,

but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

No, I understand.

Have you thought of having him stuffed?

Uh, eh, no.

I don't think he would have appreciated that, Miss Jones.

His coat was never in very good condition.

Well, a friend of mine had hers

stuffed and put on the mantelpiece,

and they made a very good job of it.

In fact, he looked better dead than he did alive.

[chuckles]

No, I don't think I could stand

those sad, reproachful eyes watching me, Miss Jones.

So I-- I decided on cremation.

- Cremation? - Yes.

Yes, I--

And you're going to put him in there?

Yes, Miss Jones.

Yes, I've got a very nice biscuit tin to keep him in.

It's-- it's got the Taj Mahal on the front and it's airtight.

You may remember the one I used to keep the mince pies in.

Oh, poor Vienna.

Yes.

Oh, there we go, lad.

[sobbing]

Do you think we should say something

I'm not very good with words, Miss Jones.

What about hymn?

Oh, now, that is a good idea, yes.

Yes.

I'm not sure which one.

What's the matter?

- We're cremating Vienna. - Why?

What's he done?

Oh, Rigsby, you haven't.

Please, please.

Let's have a bit of respect.

We're trying to think of something to sing.

What about, "Up, Up and Away?"

Do you mind?

This is a solemn occasion.

What about "Rock of Ages?"

Yes, Miss Jones, one of my favorite.

ALL: [SINGING] Rock of ages, cleft for me.

Let me hide myself in thee.

Let the water and the blood, from thy

riven side which flowed, be--

[chuckles]

Mr. Rigsby, oh, it's Vienna.

Vienna, I don't believe it.

I found him on the back seat of the car.

[cheering]

Oh, Mr. Rigsby.

[thud]

If that's Vienna, what have you got in the boiler?

I just don't understand.

I mean, I saw him last night.

He was under the back wheel.

His-- his fur all crushed and matted.

His little paws were-- were--

[screams]

Oh, Miss Jones.

Mr. Rigsby, Aunt Ada's fur stole,

how can I take it back to her like that?

Would you like to borrow the biscuit tin, Miss Jones?

[theme music]