03x07 - Suddenly at Home

[bunniefuu]

[audio logo]

[theme music]

Watch yourself.

He's coming up.

- Who is? - Osborne.

I've just dodged him on the stairs.

Whatever you do, don't ask him how he is.

He's got a list of symptoms as long as your arm.

Look, you could show a bit of sympathy, Rigsby.

He's not been well.

Not been-- you don't believe that.

He's as fit as you are.

Well, I'm not fit.

God, don't you start.

No, I keep having these giddy spells.

Only when I mention the rent.

He's never out of the doctors.

He's spent so much time in that surgery they've even consulted

him on the new color scheme.

You're exaggerating.

No, I'm not.

He's got his own chair down there.

He's only missed once since he was here,

and that when he was ill.

I suppose you think he's a hypochondriac.

Of course he is.

My god, no wonder the National Health is grinding to a halt.

It'd be different if he had to pay for it.

Well, he's entitled to treatment, Rigsby.

He's paid in.

Ah, it was different in my day because you

couldn't afford to be ill.

If they didn't see the color of your money,

you got the order of the blunt needle.

Look, they couldn't make you pay,

Rigsby, not even in them days.

Oh, yes, they did.

If you didn't pay your bills, you came out of that hospital

on a set of stumps.

You know, you'd make a terrible patient, Rigsby.

You're so afraid.

If anyone wanted to give you treatment,

they'd have to bring you down with a drugged dart

like they do in the safari parks.

Afraid? Of course I'm not.

What about the time I had that abscess on my tooth.

The dentist said he'd never seen such spirit.

Was that when you bit through his thumb?

It was a very painful operation, mate.

He had his knee in my chest for over an hour,

and he cracked me jawbone.

I heard it go.

What did he say?

Said it was a car backfiring.

No, no, you see, I've always been able to endure pain.

But you can't endure pain.

You spent most of the time on your knees begging for the gas.

And you don't like sick people, either.

That's why you don't like Osborne.

Sick people make you nervous. - Of course they don't.

You talk--

Alan.

Oh, hello, Rigsby.

Hello, Osborne.

How are you feeling?

Not too good, Alan.

I've just heard.

I've got to go in.

They say it's only a minor operation,

but I think they want to get a good look at me.

I would have thought they've seen enough of you by now.

I shouldn't worry, Ozzy.

You'll be in good hands.

Yes, that's what I keep telling myself.

Sooner you than me, mate.

What do you mean?

Very bad record that hospital.

You don't walk out of there very often--

too many rusty scalpels lying around.

Hey, you, you haven't booked your holidays yet, have you?

Look, shut up, Rigsby.

It's a very good hospital.

It used to be.

Never been the same since they lost

the key to the poison cupboard.

Oh, dear.

I feel my chest pains coming on.

RIGSBY: Oh, dear.

Don't worry, Ozzy. You're all right.

You'll get the best of attention.

Yes, I understand.

Nothing's too much trouble for them.

Yes, if you speak Hindustani, that is.

But I don't speak Hindustani!

Oh, you are in trouble.

You only need a smattering-- just a little bit,

enough to be able to say, nurse, I've just drunk from

the specimen bottle or excuse me,

gentlemen, I think you're sawing through the wrong leg there--

that sort of thing.

Well, it's not my leg.

What is it?

Well, it's a bit delicate, really.

Oh, yeah?

Well, come on. Don't be shy.

You can tell us.

Well, it's a sort of gentleman's operation.

He's having a vasectomy.

Just-- you watch your language.

Now, listen, I don't want to be indelicate, Osborne,

but you're a young man, single.

One of these days, you'll meet a nice young lady,

want to settle down and have children.

And you won't be able to do that if you've

had your firing pin removed.

But that's no problem, Rigsby.

I mean, you can store your seeds.

You can keep it in the freezer.

Oh, yes, and what happens?

Someone's only got to leave the fridge door open,

and you lose your son and heir along with the kippers.

It's not a vasectomy.

Well, what is it, then?

You've left that a bit late, haven't you?

Are you thinking of changing your religion?

I think it's just an excuse to get me in.

I think there's more to it than that.

You think that's just the tip of it?

You could be right.

I shouldn't worry, Ozzy.

Operations are very safe these days.

Ooh, not that one, mate.

That's the unkindest cut of all.

Hey, who's doing it, Singit Khan or Mr. Abdullah?

No, Mr. McAllister.

Oh, yes, yes, Mack the Knife, yes.

You want to watch out.

You know what these Scotsmen are like.

They love their pound of flesh.

I think I'd better have one of my tablets.

Do you mind if I have a glass of water?

Look, keep calm, Ozzy.

The odds are a million to one.

Yes.

Against what?

Well, against anything happening.

You think something's going to happen?

No.

I have to be very careful.

I've got a rare blood group.

I have to wear this disk around my neck.

Ah, yes.

What's it say, "do not drain"?

Look, Ozzy, you just keep calm.

They say I have to sign this document.

That's just to give the surgeon permission to operate.

It's perfectly. Normal.

Hey, mate, I'd read the small print if I were you.

You might find you left your body to medical science.

They wouldn't do that, would they?

Oh, yes, yes.

You've heard of spare parts surgery, haven't you?

I wouldn't be surprised they haven't already got somebody

down for your kidneys, someone else for your heart,

another one for your liver.

Yeah.

Mind you, you could end up more active dead than you were alive.

They couldn't do that, could they, Alan?

Of course they couldn't, not without your permission

or that of your next of kin.

Next of kin?

RIGSBY: Yeah.

But I haven't got a next of kin!

There you are.

Look on the bright side.

You won't be missed.

There won't be anybody to ask any awkward questions,

like, what's happened to his liver?

Oh, shut up, Rigsby.

Can't you see you're frightening, Ozzy?

They can't take something out of you and put it in someone else.

It's out of the question. - Of course I know that.

I was only joking.

No respectable surgeon would do anything like that.

Anything left over, he'd take it home for his dog.

Excuse me.

I don't feel very well.

Now you've done it, Rigsby.

[chuckling]

What's the matter with those two?

Young Dr. Kildare made another wrong diagnosis.

He thinks Osborne's sick.

- And you don't think so? - Yeah, of course.

He's just malingering.

I don't know.

I don't like his color.

Listen, it's all in the mind.

It's all psychology.

Like when the witch doctor points the old leopard claw

at you, what you do?

Hand in your maze bowl, wrap yourself in your blanket,

and off to your happy hunting grounds.

Not any more, Rigsby.

We've come a long way since then.

These days, we usually ask for a second opinion.

And at least we don't have all these ailments

that affect Western society.

Of course you don't because you're

closer to nature, aren't you?

Half the trouble in this country is caused by tight underpants.

And you people eat the right sort of food, don't you?

No fatty substances, no sweet.

I'll say this for you, I've never seen one of your lot

with a bad set of teeth.

Filed to a point sometimes, yes, but never bad.

You see, you lead a more natural existence, don't you?

Of course, we do.

When there's sickness in my village,

we know exactly what to do.

Yes, of course you-- what is that?

We crush the leaves from the jam jam tree,

mix it with the bile from the horned toad,

add the venom of the cobra and administer it three times a day.

The jam jam tree-- does it work?

They're up and about in no time.

Not surprised.

Really cures them, eh?

Yes.

Well, it's either that or the penicillin.

Yes.

Oh, very funny.

Anyway, Osborne doesn't take me, and he's just trying

to get out of the basement.

Are you sure, Rigsby?

Could have a different motive.

Getting a great deal of attention from Miss Jones.

He's what?

Well, how she likes to administer succor,

how she takes in puppies and birds.

Well, it's the same with Osborne.

She makes soup for him three times a day.

Administer succor, eh?

Right.

We'll see about that.

[knocking]

Miss Jones?

Miss-- oh, there you are, Miss--

oh, ha, ha.

Miss Jones, my word, that smells good.

Yes, Mr. Rigsby, I'm making some soup for Mr. Osborn.

It's been doing wonders for his tubes.

Oh, I see you're going to have a steak and kidney pie, Miss.

Jones.

No, that's for Mr. Osborn, too.

I don't feel he's getting enough of the right food.

He looks so pale, Mr. Rigsby.

Shouldn't take any notice of that pallid complexion,

Miss Jones. There's nothing wrong with him.

I'm sure he's anemic.

No, no, no.

He's as much blood as we have.

No, it's just that his skin's thicker.

It doesn't show through, that's all.

Well, I don't see how he can be well,

not living in that basement, not after the wet winter we've had.

It's so damp and dark down there.

Even the mushrooms don't look very good this year.

I don't think he's got anything

to complain about at all.

It's a very cozy little spot, if I may

say so-- nice view of the road.

Mr. Rigsby, he's on a level with the pavement.

All he can see is people's legs.

He's not a mole.

I'm aware of that, Miss Jones.

And what about the time the coalman

mistook it for the cellar?

He was engulfed in a ton of nutty slack.

Yes, but you see, he will not make

the best of things, Miss Jones.

I know his type.

He enjoys being ill.

I mean, we all have aches and pains from time to time,

but we all don't go rushing around trying

to rouse people's sympathy.

Well, I think it's our duty to help others, Mr. Rigsby.

We all need a cool hand on a fevered brow sometimes.

That's why I'm taking up first aid,

so that I can be ready for any emergency.

Oh, that's a very worthy ambition, Miss Jones.

But are you sure you're the right type?

You need this ruthless streak for nursing,

and you're so tender-hearted.

I mean, think of that time we ran over the rabbit.

You didn't know what to do.

Yes, well, you can't give the kiss of life

to a rabbit, Mr. Rigsby.

No, you're probably right.

And what about the time the window cleaner

fell off his ladder?

You fainted three times.

In the end, he had to get off the stretcher

to make room for you.

Yes, I know, but I'm getting better, Mr. Rigsby.

And you wait.

One day, all this training will be worthwhile.

And I do admire the medical profession.

They're so selfless.

Oh, yes, yes.

Mind, you try getting those doctors out at night.

Ooh, oh.

You can't get ours out, not if he's playing bridge.

No, you have to shout your symptoms down the phone at him.

The other night, there he was, a very bad case, choking fit.

He was on a grand slam and refused to go.

And that was his mother.

Mind you, I suppose you can't blame

them with people like Osborne ringing up day and night.

Yes, well, I know he gets into a state,

but that doesn't mean he's not genuine.

Now, think how you'd feel, Mr. Rigsby, if he was really ill.

I was in the army, and I recognize

an old soldier when I see one.

We had somebody exactly like Osborne in our company--

made out he had bad eyesight and flat feet.

Well, the army was very considerate about his eyesight.

They put him in a forward trench.

He saw the Germans before any of us.

And his flat feet didn't stop him

breaking the United Services record for the half mile,

either.

Well, I'd never forgive myself if I turned

my back on someone in need.

Well, Miss Jones, I suppose you're right.

I hope Osborne enjoys his steak and kidney.

Right.

Now, listen, Osborne, while the others are out,

I want a word with you.

Look, I'm not having you going to Miss

Jones with these imaginary ailments all the time.

I know what you're up to, mate.

You're trying to take advantage of her good nature.

You won't be satisfied till she's doing all your cooking

and all your cleaning.

Well, I'm on to you, mate.

You take pills to make you sleep, pills to wake you up.

I've got high blood pressure, low blood pressure.

The only thing she hasn't got are

anthrax and Dutch elm disease.

And I've seen through you, mate.

No answer to that, have you?

Because you don't like the truth-- you're as fit as I am.

Nothing to say.

Eh?

Hey, Os-- listen, Osborne, look at me when I'm talking to you.

Osborne, hey, hey.

Oh my!

[music playing]

Hello, Rigsby.

Where's Osborne?

I don't know how to tell you this, but he's left us.

What do you mean?

He's gone to a better place.

You mean he's got a council flat?

No.

No, I don't mean that.

We won't be seeing him anymore.

He's departed.

I thought you insisted on a fortnight's notice?

Oh, no, Alan, couldn't in this case, could I?

Don't you understand?

He's-- he's passed over.

What, do you mean he's dead?

If you want to put it crudely, yes.

Oh, poor old Osborne.

And you always said he was faking.

Oh, not this time, mate.

He was almost rigid when I found him.

- Are you sure he's dead? - Oh, yes, yes.

I mean, the ambulance was here in no time,

but I could tell he was a goner all right.

God, it's a good job it didn't happen on the top floor.

We'd have never got him down the stairs.

He was as stiff as a board.

Oh, you should have seen him.

My hands are still shaking.

Poor Osborne. RIGSBY: Yeah.

Does Miss Jones know?

No, not yet.

I don't how to tell her after what's happened.

Oh, there you are.

Has anyone seen Mr. Osborne?

I wondered if he enjoyed the soup.

What's the matter?

What are you all staring at?

Afraid I've got some rather bad news.

Oh, I didn't leave the salt out again, did I?

No.

Osborne is dead.

Oh my god.

Had he eaten it?

No, no.

No, he hadn't touched it, Miss Jones.

He was sitting, staring at it with a spoon in his hand,

not moving a muscle.

Poor Mr. Osborn.

Yes, yes.

I know how you feel, Miss Jones.

Let the tears come.

[sobbing]

It's a terrible shock.

Yes, it is.

We were all very fond of him.

But you weren't!

Save your crocodile tears, Mr. Rigsby.

You never showed him any sympathy.

You hounded that poor man, keeping

him in this miserable hovel!

Miss Jones, please!

Well, he's gone to a better landlord now--

Miss Jones!

--a landlord who won't cut his water

off and disconnect the gas!

Jesus!

Oh, Mr. Osborn, you never believed him.

Take your hands off me!

m*rder*r!

[laughs]

It's a man in black.

What are you dressed like that for, Rigsby?

I might have known you two wouldn't understand.

This happens to be a mark of respect.

You look like the chief mourner.

Well, I suppose I am the chief mourner.

He had no next of kin, you know?

There's no one else to mourn his passing.

It's up to us to give him a good send-off.

Shouldn't we ring the hospital first?

No, no, no.

I've told you, no, life was definitely extinct.

No.

Compared to the wonders of medical science,

there's nothing they could do for Osborn, no.

The only thing that will improve him now is embalming fluid.

Do you have to be so callous, Rigsby?

Me, callous?

You sit there stuffing yourself, and you call me callous!

I haven't been able to touch a bite since he died.

How do you think I feel after what Miss Jones said to me?

I mean, perhaps he might have been

alive if it hadn't been for me.

You can't blame yourself, Rigsby.

It could have happened any time. - Yes.

Well, I'm going to make it up to him.

I'm going to give him the best funeral this town has ever seen.

Well, what's the point, Rigsby?

He's not in a position to enjoy it.

I happen to believe that when you're dead, you're dead.

Ah, no, that's where you're wrong.

You see, you're not dead.

You're only sleeping.

- Only sleeping? - Yes.

There's going to be a few complaints down the crematorium,

then.

No, you can jeer, you can jeer.

At least I'm not like you two.

At least I believe in something.

I believe in something, Rigsby.

I believe we're part of a cycle.

We live, we die, we enrich the soil.

Crops grow and feed the next generation.

My god, that's your idea of a life after death,

is it, coming back as a bowl of cornflakes?

There's more to it than that, mate.

Yeah, when my granddad died, we all

went on to see a medium because they wanted to find

out where he'd put his money. - Ah, yes.

Did you get in touch?

Oh, yeah, he spoke to us.

- Did he say what it was like? - Yeah.

He said it was all right, but he couldn't

stand the sex and violence.

What do you mean?

Heaven's not like that.

No, he weren't in heaven.

He was a rabbit on Salisbury Plain.

Very funny.

Mind, you don't believe all that reincarnation rubbish, do you?

Why not?

Look on the bright side, Rigsby.

Next time, you might come back as a human being.

It's about time you two showed some respect.

I can't stand all this weeping and wailing.

Yeah, that's the trouble with people nowadays.

You see, they don't enjoy funerals like we used to do.

Mother-- oh, I shall never forget my granddad's funeral.

It was wonderful.

He was laid out in the front room there like Lenin's tomb.

And he looked marvelous, too.

Mind you, he'd been at Skegness the week before.

Did him a world of good.

Hey, I knew there was something I wanted.

Would you come?

I want to show you something. Come on.

I haven't finished me tea, yet.

No, come on. Leave that.

Come on, come on.

Now we're there.

Here it is. - Where is it?

Here.

It's a coffin!

Of course it's a coffin.

Did you think it was a c*ck cabinet?

Where'd you get it from?

Closing down sale.

Lovely, isn't it? Look.

Look at that finish.

They don't make them like this anymore.

It was-- it was for me, but I thought I'd let Osborne have it.

You know, the least I could do.

- You're macabre, Rigsby. - No, I'm not.

What do I-- come on, give me a hand.

I want to get out of here. Come on.

Careful, careful.

Don't scrape it or scratch it.

Here, on there.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Solid oak.

Look at that veneer.

It's all brass.

All these handles are all brass, you know.

It's worth going just for a ride in one of these.

You wouldn't catch me dead in one of these.

Do you want to bet?

I'm thinking of having my body frozen.

What?

Yeah, they can do that, you know--

freeze your body, then await the advance of medical knowledge.

My god.

Who's going to be in charge of the funeral arrangements, Birds

Eye?

Hey, what's supposed to happen on Judgment Day

when you're supposed to stand up and be counted?

You'd look ridiculous between a leg of lamb

and a packet of fish fingers.

I'd sooner that than end up in one of these.

[knocking]

What's that?

[knocking]

[laughs]

[SINGING] We are the champions!

Mr. Rigsby, I want to apologize

for my little outburst.

I shouldn't have said that.

No, no, Miss Jones, I think you were quite right.

I-- most people would agree with you.

No, but I shouldn't have said it.

Oh, you've got a lovely shine, Mr. Rigsby.

Thank you, Miss--

What's it for?

It's for Osborne.

Oh, yes?

Oh my god, it's a coffin!

Oh, yes, yes.

He's not in there, is he?

No, no, not yet, Miss Jones, no.

No, I was just starting the preparations.

I didn't want to leave it till too late.

I always think that's best, don't you?

Oh, I do agree with you, Mr. Rigsby.

It's so important that these things go off smoothly.

RIGSBY: Yes.

I remember when Uncle Felix was buried

at sea just off Brighton.

That was badly planned.

Oh, dear.

What happened, Miss Jones?

Well, it was a very tasteful service,

and we came away more than satisfied.

Unfortunately, the next day, he popped up at Worthing.

He kept coming in and out with the tide.

Oh.

How very distressing, Miss Jones.

Oh, yes, it was, Mr. Rigsby.

He couldn't stand Worthing.

I've planned a simple little ceremony,

Miss Jones, up at the cemetery.

Yes, yes.

I've got a reserve plot I'm going to let him have.

Yes, it stands well back-- very nice spot.

You don't get many dogs up there.

Do you know his religion?

No, I don't.

I don't think he had one, Miss Jones.

So I think we should be all right,

as long as he wasn't an Indian.

I don't fancy pushing a flaming pyre up the Humber.

And I thought a simple inscription, Miss Jones,

something like, "Oh, for the touch

of a vanished hand and the sound of a voice that is still."

Yes.

Or--

RIGSBY: Yes?

--a rose has grown over the garden wall

and blossoms on the other side.

Oh, yes.

My days are gone like a shadow.

Oh, yes.

Boast not thyself of tomorrow, for thou knowest

not what today may bring forth.

Oh, yes, wonderful sentiments, Miss Jones.

I wonder if I could prevail upon you to be the principal mourner.

I know Osborne would have loved it.

Oh, I don't know, Mr. Rigsby.

Oh, you'd look so wonderful in black.

I can just see you, pale and translucent,

dropping a single red rose on the coffin.

Oh, yes, you'd be most decorative, Miss Jones.

Well, I do have this velvet simply dying to be worn--

RIGSBY: Ah.

--and a little hat with a veil.

I wonder if I've got gloves and a handbag to match.

I'll go and see.

It'd be a ham and tea.

Come in, boys.

What do you want?

I've just brought Philip to have a look at the coffin.

Oh, yeah, here it is.

Come on, Phil.

Oh, yes, of course.

It's a lovely piece of wood.

RIGSBY: Beautiful.

It is a pity.

A pity? What do you mean?

What's wrong with it?

It's not big enough.

What do you mean?

Of course it's big enough.

Of course it is.

It isn't.

Not for Osborne.

'Course it is.

Look out, look out.

No.

That's plenty big.

Look at that.

You can easily get him in there.

'Course you would.

Look at you.

Here, look, I'll show you.

Here you go.

Bags of room.

It's big enough for you, Rigsby, but not for Osborn.

He's taller than you.

We'll have to chop his feet off.

What are you talking-- Of course.

Look, look, there's plenty of room there.

Look at that. You see?

See? - Now we can't get the lid down.

Of course you can get the lid down.

No, it'll squash your nose.

You wouldn't squish me.

Turn his head sideways.

Yeah, there you are, see?

Like that-- you easily get it.

Now try it now. There you are.

Go on, try it now.

There you are.

What's it like, Rigsby?

RIGSBY: [MUFFLED SHOUTING] Very comfortable!

Now let me out.

Oh, it's stuck!

RIGSBY: Hey!

No, it's stuck.

We'll have to get something to prise it open.

We need a heavy screwdriver.

Don't go away.

Hello, Alan.

Hello.

Osborne?

Osborne?

We thought you were dead.

Well, I nearly was.

I must have taken too many of those tablets.

Anyway, I ended up in the hospital with the screens

around me.

I'll never go there again.

They were all set for open heart surgery until I started snoring.

Ah!

Osborne, you can't go in there.

Why not?

You can't without seeing Miss Jones.

She's very, very concerned about you.

Oh, of course, Philip.

How could I have been so insensitive?

Excuse me.

Come on.

No, we've got to get Rigsby out of here.

We've got to get rid of the coffin

so that Osborne doesn't see it, not in his condition.

[furious pounding]

It's all right, Rigsby.

We're letting you out.

Oh!

That's torn it.

Now look what you've done!

You've broken it.

Shut up!

Hello, Miss Jones.

[shrieks]

I thought I'd let you know I've come back.

[whimpers]

I wondered whether there was any soup left.

You've come back for that?

What's the matter, Miss Jones?

[shrieks]

You're warm!

Oh, Mr. Osborne, thank heavens!

What's the matter, Miss Jones?

You're distraught!

Oh, dear.

And why are you dressed like--

oh, my dear lady.

You're in mourning.

How could I have been so insensitive?

Who is it?

Just a friend.

Then I won't disturb you in your hour of grief.

- No. - I'll leave you.

Thank you.

Shut up, Rigsby!

Look, stop shouting.

You're using precious oxygen. They're terrible, these things.

You could suffocate in here.

RIGSBY: [MUFFLED] I'm suffocating!

Well, normally, it doesn't matter.

Hey, let's take it outside, smash it with a sledge hammer.

RIGSBY: Osborne!

What are you doing here?

We're just shifting a bit of furniture for Mr. Rigsby.

But it's a coffin!

Has someone died?

We thought he had, but it appears we made a mistake.

You certainly have.

He's alive and kicking!

[shrieks]

Oh!

Oh, thank God for that.

Are you all right, Mr. Rigsby?

Yes, yes.

But it was a nasty moment, Miss Jones.

Thank God I kept my head.

I learned that during the w*r.

Yes, after all, it's only a coffin.

Oh, look at their faces.

They've gone as white as sheets.

[chuckles] Terrified of the Grim Reaper, eh?

Hi, Ozzy.

Ah!

[music playing]