04x04 - Pink Carnations

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

Hey, Phil, have you seen this?

What?

This advert here in the personal column

between surgical appliances and vasectomy without force.

Company director, early 40s, cultured, sophisticated,

lover of the arts, good food and travel, seeks

female of similar background.

Object matrimony.

Reply box 696.

Says it all, doesn't it?

Yeah.

- It certainly does. - Yeah.

You know, I feel sorry for people like that.

You feel so-- what do you mean feel

so-- he's a company director, cultured,

sophisticated, prime of life.

He's got the lot, mate.

They'll all be reaching for the scented notepaper

when they read that.

Women find this sort of bloke irresistible.

Then why does he have to advertise?

Well, perhaps because they don't know about him.

Maybe he's a shy, retiring.

He doesn't sound shy and retiring.

He says he's cultured and sophisticated.

He seems to have a high opinion of himself.

Yeah, there's no point of being too modest, is there?

I mean, if you sell him pork pies,

you don't hide him in the back of the shop.

You put them out on display.

That's all he's doing.

He's putting his pork pies in the window.

We're not talking about pork pies.

We're talking about women.

And if he's so cultured and sophisticated,

why can't he get one in the normal way?

Normal?

What do you know about the normal way where you come from?

When you want a woman, all you do is go out,

give him a quick burst on the drums.

No, we don't.

Give us credit for a little finesse, Rigsby.

What'd you do then?

Well, we paint ourselves all over in white stripes,

hiding the bushes, making little whooping noises.

When they come down to fill their water jars,

we leap out of them.

You see what I mean.

Cover yourself with white stripes.

He's a company director, mate.

That'll go down very well with his board, wouldn't it?

I can just see him, excuse the White Stripes gentleman.

Just off to the laundry to leap on a few women.

They'd have him inside in no time.

At least would be more direct.

You never get the right one this way.

Course, he will.

Hey, listen.

You never heard of mail order brides?

Oh, yes, in the days of the empire,

they did it all the time.

All those planters stuck out in remote outposts.

Young men in the full vigor of manhood never the sight

of a white woman.

Oh, yes, sitting there night after night,

listening to the same cracked record of tea for two,

wondering whether to go native or dance with the houseboy.

You have to do something.

Otherwise they'd have snapped.

So what they used to do, they used to write home for a bride,

give her the full requirements.

And she'd come up river with the grand piano and a roll liner.

Then they live happily ever afterwards.

How do you know that?

Well, because they both knew exactly what they were getting.

You see, it's the same with this fella.

He's giving them a very clear picture, though.

It's all in black and white.

How do we know it's a clear picture?

How do we know it's not some poor wretch

who lives a miserable existence in the back row?

- Cos he's not. - How do you know?

- I know he's not. - You can't be sure.

Of course, I can.

How?

I put it in.

You, Rigsby, you're not a company director.

You're not early 40s.

You're not cultured, and you're not sophisticated.

Nobody's perfect.

That's not a word of truth in it.

You've exaggerated a bit.

And there's something else you've forgotten to mention.

What's that?

You day there object matrimony.

You're married. - Ah, yes, yes.

Well, you may have put your finger on the one small snag

there is quite wrong.

Yes, but I shan't be married for very much longer.

I filed my petition this morning.

I should have done it years ago.

A few months from now, free man.

What about Ms. Jones?

What about her?

I always thought when you got your freedom, you two

would get together. - No, no, no.

I've got to face it, Phil.

For some strange, unaccountable factor, just don't turn her on.

I don't what it is.

I told her I was getting divorced.

I said I was thinking of settling down.

I couldn't have made it plainer.

I told her I was looking for the older, more mature woman.

What did she say?

Offered to put me in touch with the over sixties.

Now it's no good.

That's why I put this advert in.

You see, it's no good hanging about any longer.

I'm not getting any younger.

You are, according to that, you're about 15 years younger.

Don't want her to think I'm decrepit, do I?

When I get the right reply, I'll meet her in some--

some romantic spot, you know, some oldie worldly pub,

perhaps with a, a fire blazing in the hearth,

horse brasses on the wall.

Our eyes meet across a crowded room.

She makes a dash for the door.

I-- what do you mean?

Look, you've got to face it, Rigsby.

She'll be expecting someone much younger.

But to carry me as well, though, you must admit.

I mean, it's an interesting face.

It's got character.

I mean, look at that profile, classic.

I mean, yes.

I mean, I must admit, this face has been lived in.

It looks as if it's been slept in.

All right.

I may not be as young as I was, but there's

more to love than just the physical side, you know.

There's such a thing as a spiritual attraction.

Have you thought about that?

Was my trouble in my younger days.

I never gave it a minute's thought.

I was too-- too worried about a pretty face

and a well turned ankle.

I never-- never thought about discussing

art, music, literature, the decent things of life.

Of course, if I had done that, I might

have found someone decent, eh?

I didn't know you felt like that, Rigsby.

RIGSBY: Oh, yes. - I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were looking for that sort of affinity

in a woman.

Of course, I am.

That and a decent pair of knockers.

A decent pair of knockers?

You don't change, do you?

All cultures, all love.

You can't discuss Etruscan vases all night, can you?

No, I like my women well stacked.

I like them with a bit of this and a bit of that

and plenty of the other.

Yeah, I think that's the best sort of exercise for that, for--

just discussing stiffness and everything.

What's the matter, Ruth?

Have you seen this, Philip?

Company director, early 40s.

Yes, I've just been reading it, as a matter of fact.

I wonder what sort of person he is.

I see him bronzed by travel, steel, gray hair, well manicured

hands, expensive clothes, worn with a casual air,

probably sitting alone in a hotel suite

listening to Beethoven.

I wouldn't get carried away, Ruth.

He could be quite ordinary.

What do you mean, ordinary?

Well, broken fingernails, old cardigan,

sitting in a back room listening to auctions.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Philip.

I mean, does he sound like that sort of person?

You know, he's probably spent his whole life making money,

and now he's asking himself the question, what's it all for?

I think he's lonely.

I think he needs someone.

I think you're right.

But who's going to reply to something like that?

You'd have to be desperate.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

I haven't got a first class stamp, have you?

You're not going to reply to it.

Well, why shouldn't I?

Aren't you taking a chance?

I feel like taking a chance, Phil.

I'm tired of waiting for life to knock on my door.

I've gotta get out there and pitch.

But he could be anyone.

Suppose you don't like him.

Well, I thought of that.

I didn't give my name and address.

I just suggested somewhere that we should meet.

Didn't you give any personal details?

Well, only a brief description so that he'd recognize me,

you know, slim, attractive, late 20s, cool, self-possessed,

with a sort of roguish smile.

Do you think that's enough?

I should think that'd be more than enough.

Oh, you're expected to exaggerate a little, Phil,

I should know.

I've been through all this before.

- Really? - Yes.

I went to a matrimonial agency once.

They put me in touch with a fun-loving extrovert

with an urge to travel.

He sounded fine until I found out he was

doing five years in Parkhurst.

The next one was better.

In fact, he was quite nice, what there was of him.

The trouble was, he only came up to my shoulder.

The first time I saw him, he was sitting on a bar stool.

How he got up there, I'll never know.

We had several martinis, and we talked.

It was so romantic until it was time to leave.

And I had to lift him off the stool.

It must have been a big disappointment.

Well, it was.

But even then, I thought there was a chance.

I really tried.

I tried so hard, I developed a stoop.

You see, he was so sensitive about the fact

that I was taller.

And he wouldn't dance with me because we

kept walking into the tables.

And, of course, he was-- he was too proud to look under my arm.

I, I tried to reassure him.

I kept telling him that small was beautiful.

Did he believe you?

Yes, as a matter of fact, he did.

He stopped thinking he was beneath me.

But, of course, he was beneath me,

I mean, a long way beneath me.

But I didn't mind.

Then one night, I forgot.

I made this disparaging remark about Napoleon.

He got very angry, jumped off his cushions and left.

I never saw him again. - Oh, dear.

But this time, I think it's gonna be different, Phil.

I'm sure it will be.

All I'm saying is, don't raise your hopes too high.

Be prepared for a slight disappointment.

Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Oh, I do agree.

And I can't wait to behold him.

I think we do like each other.

Don't laugh, Philip, but I think I know him already.

Ah, Phil.

Well, how many replies did you get?

You'd be surprised.

How many?

One.

I thought you were expecting a sack full.

Well, I told them not to put it down

among the surgical appliances, didn't I?

I mean, you're not looking for a future husband

among the body belts, trusses and transplants, are you?

You're looking for a replacement, not spare parts.

But, hey, what a reply this is.

I always smell that expensive perfume.

Make your shirt fill up.

You practice this.

Hey, look at that stylish hand.

Hey, look at that.

She didn't leave school at 14.

Look, look, I before E every time.

And look that writing without lines.

You can tell she's got breeding.

I see it isn't signed.

Of course, you don't expect a woman of quality

to identify herself to a box nobody.

Of course, it's not signed.

For all she knows, it could be the phantom flasher.

No, no, no.

Now what she wanted is she wants to observe me first

before she reveals herself.

Oh, yes.

But once she sees I've got all the social graces,

I can move in any social strata, I shall be away.

What are you gonna talk about when you meet?

Don't you worry, mate.

I shan't be at a loss for words.

I'll be watching Melvin Bragg.

You see, it doesn't matter what you say.

So long, you don't split any infinitives,

that's the main thing. Don't worry.

I shan't be at a loss for words.

I can show them the birds off the trees when I want to.

You pin back your lugholes and listen to this.

You won't recognize me.

She's given me this number to ring.

It's probably a mews flat.

Hello, hello.

Hello.

Yeah.

What a delightful voice is.

Only you could have written such a charming letter

that I've read, reread and keep close to my heart.

Yes.

I, I, I, I was wondering where we could meet.

You want the gas board?

Must be the maid.

Never mind the gas board, love.

Put your mistress on.

What?

You're in a call box?

Well, look, is there a lady outside, a slim,

attractive, late 20s, probably wearing a sheepskin

coat and tweed skirt.

Got skinny bird with the plastic Mac and a shopping bag.

Put it on, will you?

Using a call box.

Yes, yes.

Probably ex-directory directory doesn't want anyone coming

round pinching the old masters.

Hello, hello.

Hello, 696 here.

Yes, I was-- I, I, I was wondering where we could have--

have a rendezvous.

Yes, lunchtime suit me.

Absolutely soupy. Yes.

George.

Yes, I know it very well.

Yes, I often get in there.

You can always see me in the corner with the estate agents.

Yes.

Yes, you can easily pick us up.

We've all got leather patches.

Yes, on our jackets.

Yes.

But always taken down the Hampton on,

given it a bit of a blow.

No, no, no.

I have my serious side as well.

I love poetry.

I say I love poetry.

Poems, rhyming, you know.

Yes, yes, yes.

Do I-- do I know who love?

John Betjeman?

No, no.

Does he drink at the George?

That's-- that's your Richmond.

Yes, I can see we got a lot in common.

How old am I?

Well, early 40s.

Shut up.

Is this the Mediterranean cruises.

Do me a deal of good.

Yes, tall.

Tall-ish, rangy.

Yes.

yes.

Yes, how will we know each other.

Good point.

Yeah, carry a copy of the Daily Telegraph.

What a good eye.

You could make the mirror, could you?

How about if we both wore a pink carnation?

That would be so romantic, wouldn't it?

Yes, my dear.

And I see you with George at 1:00.

Super.

See you at the bar.

They have some very nice pickled gherkins there.

Are you going to talk like that all the time?

Yes, why not?

You'll give yourself a hernia.

Don't worry about that, mate.

But if I can get me a pink carnation,

I've got to get ready.

I think this calls for total immersion.

Yes, a long soak with the bath crystals.

Oh, what a voice.

Refined but underneath, I bet she's a real raver.

Yeah, real touch of the lady.

Chatterley's there.

Well, don't expect too much.

You haven't seen what she's like.

Don't worry, mate.

I shan't wear my carnations.

Have had a good look at her.

I'm not worried with a voice like that.

You're all gonna get a bit of a shock around here, you'll see,

including Ms. Jones.

[clears throat]

Oh, hey!

Yes.

Could I have a double portion of mother's ruin

and a bottle of your very best slimline?

Do we hear the tinkle of ice cubes?

Perhaps a slice of lemon.

You wouldn't like a cherry as well, would you?

Yes, I would.

That'll be 82 P.



And pass those crisps down.

I'm famished.

Anything else?

Yes, where's the little plastic sword.

We haven't got any little plastic sword.

No, little.

I always have a plan.

My God, this place is certainly going to the dogs, isn't it?

That's it, then.

No, it isn't.

I'm looking for a young lady.

Aren't we all.

Can we have a bit more civility, please.

Just as well you and-- and the old coaching days.

You've had a gentleman's glove in your mush.

Is-- is that when you used to come in then?

I have arranged to meet a young lady here,

slim attractively 20, roguish smile,

probably wearing a twinset pearls, very refined.

Have you seen her?

You must be the chauffeur, eh?

I beg your par--

I'm not the chauffeur.

I've got time to bandy words with the likes of you.

I'll go and find her myself.

Riff Raff.

Oh, Miss.

Hello, Mr. Rigsby.

I didn't know you frequented this place.

No, no, I don't.

I'm just waiting for a friend.

Yes, so am I. Yes, yes, yes.

You wouldn't like a drink, would you?

- No, I don't normally drink. - That's all I know.

That's all I know. Doesn't matter.

No, no.

Don't pressure.

It might upset your metabolism if you're not used to it.

Yes. - Do you come here often?

Yes, yes.

You could say this is one of my haunts, yes.

I think you'll find most of the-- man, do you mind.

I think most of the staff know me here.

Well, if you excuse me--

Excuse me.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes.

Well, Darling, how does it feel to be Mrs. Smedley?

Oh, absolutely wonderful, Darling.

I'm so happy.

Two of the usual, please.

Have we got time for a drink?

I think so.

They won't be here yet.

You look after the drinks.

I'll go and see if the room's ready for the reception.

Darling.

Darling.

My word.

You're early.

I couldn't wait.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, good heavens.

How did you guess my favorite aperitif, dry martini, shaken,

not stirred?

Actually, it's a vodka and lemon.

Is it?

Now there's cheese and onion crisp play havoc with your taste

buds, don't they?

You certainly didn't waste any time getting here.

I don't believe in hanging about.

I'm a man of quick decisions, impulsive, ready

to hazard everything on the throw of the dice.

May I propose a toast.

A toast?

A toast, toast, toast.

A toast to love, love at first sight.

How nice.

To love.

To love.

You must be the first.

What do you mean?

They're gonna be others?

Oh, yes.

There'll be quite a crowd.

I don't like the sound of that.

Well, you know how it is.

Once you start asking people.

Oh, don't worry.

There'll be enough to go around.

I'm quite sure there will.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm not complaining about the competition.

But do remember I was here first.

Anyway, now I am here.

What do you think?

I beg your pardon.

Don't be taken in by this air of cynicism

and the world weary manner.

I may be a little worn at the edges,

but I'm quite capable of making a young woman happy.

Yes.

Am I what you expected?

I don't know.

Who are you?

Who am I?

Who am I?

Company director, sophisticated, cultured,

early 40s, surgical appliances.

That must be very interesting.

Oh, yes, I'm not saying it's not been an interesting life,

but I've not had much time to mix with the opposite sex.

I've lived in a man's world.

Yes, I can imagine.

I knew you straight away, slim, attractively 20s,

roguish smile.

Thank you.

- What are you doing tonight? - What?

What are you doing tonight?

Are you serious?

Of course, I am.

Come back to my place.

Whatever it is, put it off.

Come back to me.

It's out of the question.

Of course it is.

And when opportunity comes like this,

take it with both hands, my dear.

Come on, fill your boots.

What do you say?

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, I'm sorry, mate.

I was here first.

Is he being a nuisance?

I'm afraid you're being a nuisance.

I'll get rid of that pink carnation if I were you.

She obviously prefers the older man.

I've been watching him.

He's been at her all the time.

Do you mind getting back to polishing your glasses?

I'm having a chat with a young lady here.

How would you like a punch on the nose?

There's no need for that.

There's no need for that.

Will you go away and stop annoying me?

Me?

You can't prefer him to me. Look at him.

A callow youth.

Look at those shifty eyes.

I think you're making a big mistake there, love.

He's my husband.

He's you're what?

Well, why wouldn't you say?

Why didn't you mention that in your letter?

What letter?

The letter she sent me.

I didn't send any letter.

Wait, wait.

What's this about a letter?

Surely you don't believe him.

All I know is we've been married one hour,

and I find you in intimate conversation with a man who says

you've written him a letter.

And you believe him?

So this is what married life's going to be like?

Jealousy and suspicion.

Yeah, but, Darling.

Excuse me.

Certainly.

Darling.

A case of mistaken identity.

Oh, yes.

One of those little ironies of fate.

Yes, well, we don't like that sort of thing in here.

When you said you were looking for a young lady,

I didn't realize you meant any young lady.

Could you let me have a-- watch it.

Could you let me have a double--

half a bitter?

Oh, um, excuse me.

Have you seen a young lady wearing pink carnation?

Oh, you've come at last.

What?

I'd almost given you up.

Oh, oh, you-- you shouldn't be in here.

We've got a private room.

Private room?

Wasn't that rather impetuous?

Well, not every day one gets a wife, is it?

No, that's very true.

You know, they made masses of sandwiches.

I don't know if we'll be able to eat them all.

Oh, I don't think I could eat a thing.

I'm far too excited.

You certainly know how to do things in style.

Do you know you're much younger than I expected.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

It's probably all those Mediterranean cruises.

What?

Good heavens, you could be my age.

Uh, yes.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking she looks older than I expected.

Oh, no.

I've always looked older than my years.

It's this worried frown.

I've had it since I was three.

We had a very insecure pushchair.

The wheel kept coming off and throwing me into the way.

How tall are you?

About 6 foot.

I thought so, very broad and manly.

Shall I get you a drink?

No, please don't.

I don't want you down my senses.

I want to savor this moment to the full, our first meeting.

What are you doing?

I was looking for you.

You weren't.

You'd forgotten all about me.

You're holding her hand.

Why shouldn't he hold my hand?

Oh, no, he's not meeting you as well.

Good heavens.

How many of us are there?

No wonder you're providing sandwiches.

It's worse than Miss World.

I'd keep away from him if I were you.

This man's an absolute philanderer.

He's my husband.

You didn't mention that when you rang me up.

Have you been ringing this woman up?

Certainly not.

You, fibber.

You've obviously been deceiving us both.

I should have known.

Mummy was right about you.

Yes, what's the old battleaxe been saying?

Don't you call my mother a battleaxe.

She certainly saw through you.

She said you were obsessed with it.

With what?

I saw the way you were kissing the bridesmaids.

You completely crushed their taffeta.

No, I didn't.

Don't you ever speak to me again.

Well, Darling, happy is the bride.

What does it feel like to be married?

Oh, Mommy.

[sobbing]

You monster.

What have I done?

I don't know.

But that girl went out this morning without a care

in the world.

Now look at her.

Why couldn't you have waited till you got to Majorca?

Things always look better when the sun is shining.

Good heavens.

We haven't even cut the cake yet.

I wonder what it would be like, but I had no idea it would

start when you got in the taxi.

My poor lad.

What have you done to her?

It wasn't me. It was that man.

What man?

Well, he was a sort of slimy, lecherous individual.

That's him.

He pretended to be one of the guests,

and then he accosted her.

Accosted her?

On her wedding day?

Is no one safe anymore?

We'll see about this.

I'd like a word with you.

Oh, there you are.

A bad time.

Oh, come on.

When you said early 20s, I didn't know you meant 1920s.

I beg your pardon.

Well, I'm afraid this puts a very different

complexion on things, love.

No wonder you're late.

I'm surprised you didn't wait for it to go dark.

What?

Salesperson can't complain.

I did exaggerate a bit myself.

At least there's plenty to get hold of.

Rat!

Yes, what about coming back to my place?

I'll draw the curtains.

They say the best wine comes out of old bottles.

Vulgar little man, how dare you.

I've never been so insulted in my life.

You should get out more.

You're drunk.

Just--

Is that another case of mistaken identity?

Should-- oh, stop trying to find a needle in a haystack.

Surgical appliances.

Surgical appliances.

Oh, Ms. Jones, are you still here?

Oh, yes, Mr. Rigsby.

Your friend didn't turn up then.

No, no. Did yours?

No, no, no. I don't think so.

No.

I think life's leaving me by Ms. Jones.

I feel the same way, Mr. Rigsby.

Yes, like that song standing at the station

of the trains done gone.

Yes.

Yeah, well, there we are.

Mr. Rigsby.

Hmm?

Oh.

Oh, Ms. Jones.

You're not single, attractive, late 20s, roguish smile manager.

You're not company director, early 40s, lovely.

Roguish smile, even reading woman's own, again.

Sophisticated.

Demure, sophisticated.

What's the pickle jar doing in the bathroom?

Yes, indeed.

This ought to be a lesson to us, Ms. Jones.

Tell the truth. - Yeah, it's true.

Listen to me, early 40s.

I'm 44 does my day.

Really?

Yes.

I'll never see 30 again.

Yes, quite.

I'm plain, ordinary and on the shelf.

And, of course, you're not, Ms. Jones.

You're very attractive, the most attractive woman here.

I'll tell you that.

And I think you're very attractive, too, Mr. Rigsby.

Very nice of you.

You think so, Ms. Jones?

Yes, I do.

You know, some people have got it, and some people haven't.

And you've got it, Mr. Rigsby.

Trouble is I never seem to get much chance to use it.

Well, I can't believe that, Mr. Rigsby.

I find you a very stimulating companion.

Do you, Ms. Jones?

Please call me Ruth.

Do you, Ruth?

May I kiss you, Ruth?

Yes, Mr. Rigsby.

Oh, Ms. Jones.

That's him. the beast is out to strike again.

You're the third woman he's molested in an hour.

I can explain, Ms. Jones.

I'll sue the breweries.

[yelling]

[theme music]