05x07 - Tiffany Haddish, Roy Wood Jr. & Thomas Lennon

[bunniefuu]

I have a dream that one day my wife and

Candy and I will fornicate together in

the Promised Land. That's a good dream to

have for you. What we're thinking is a

half human, half dog type.

Guess situation. Oh, I don't golf at all.

And actually handicapped people make me

very nervous. You know, this voice is

very familiar. You know, I like to

perform. Uh-huhYou think that the

game is better than my pussyI don't know.

You want to find out?

Come on, come on 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

cell And the world's gone to hell

But you're gonna feel swell When they

pick up From New York to

Alabama They'll

probably won't throw our a*s in the slam

Because we're disturbing others Maybe

even your mother Won't you join the Crank

Yankers tonight Crank Yankers!

This is Jesse. How can I help you?Hi,

Jesse. Let me just break it

down to you. Y'all saw my man, this Red

Dead Redemption game, right?And

basically, I feel like y'all c*ck

blocking. OK, what's up?

All he do is play this game. I'm over

here trying to get some D. You feel me?

Yeah. I'm trying to have some good sex

and y'all game got him

so consumed I can't even get none.

I'm sorry to say it wasn't the game. You

think that the game is better than my

pussyI don't know. You want to find out?

No, I'm good. I'm telling you, I'm making

puddles right now. It's ridiculous. So

I need to know, do y'all got a projector?

Not in school. You're probably gonna have

to order that through our website cause

maybe he could hook the game up to a

projector and project it on my back and

then when he hitting it from the back he

could still play the game. I need the D

The other option is go take the power

cord hostage. Oh, I should take the power

cord hostage. You think I should put that

inside of me?That's up to

you. You kinky Jesse. I

like you. I like the way you think. See,

that's. What games make you come?Like,

what games make you be like, I need to

get some p*ssy right now. Another one to

take a look at would be The Witcher 3.

Oh, The Witcher 3. Yeah. OK, some

witchcraft. Maybe I could summon his

p*nis up to rise for me.

I mean, with it, you're actually you're

kind of playing this magically enhanced

monster hunter. Oh, shitBaby, baby, who

you talking to?I'm on the phone with

Jesse from Hello.

Hi. Why you talking to my girl?With

it, she gave us a call and had some

questions about Red Dead Redemption 2.

Uh-huhWhat'd you tell her?She was a

little upset about the game, but with

that, I was giving her a couple other

options with it. So you're saying you're

hitting on my girl?No. He was not hitting

on me, but he could be. I'm here. I'm

here at my job. I'm just trying to be

here and recommend games. Hey, Jesse,

real quick before you go, you got any

tips on the game, man?Just like you got a

cheap book I can come down there and pick

up or anything like that. I wish I had a

cheap book for it. Wow. Did you just say

you was trying to cheat code on me?No,

I ain't cheat code on

me. No, I ain't gonna cheat code on

nobody. Oh my God. I knew he wasn't

giving up the d*ck for a reason. All

right. Hey, Jesse, you a cheater. Baby,

it's just cheat codes. Okay, I'll-- cheat

codes. Man, you probably cheat in real

life. Jesse, I'm coming over to the store

right now to suck your dickI'll talk with

you guys later. Enjoy your day. Hello?

Hey, this is Fred. Hi, is this the

Country Club?Yes. Oh,

great. I'll just add some brass tacks

questions that I needed to know about the

the locker room. And is it an open floor

plan locker room?Yes. OK.

And then umbrella question.

How are the men?I'm sorry, say it

again. Just how are how are the men?You

know, on a scale, let's say one to



Oh, yeah, this. If you're

looking at like in in the winter time, I

I go down to Tucson and I work at.

So better up here. Good, good locker

room. They've got a sauna, they've got

showers. Is it a one at a timer?

Yeah. Is it a one at a timer or am I

going to?It's one at a timer. That's

great because my wife, one of the things

my wife always says is, hey,

you know, that's a one person shower. She

doesn't understand the the culture.

You're around other men naked for

sometimes a long stretch of time. So I

just need to know the layouts. And is

there a shower curtain or a door?This is

a room. It's got a door that

you go close and lock. But you're going

to be one of two or three people that use

it. Great. So there could be two or three

of us in there. Great. My wife is Opus

Dei. Do you know what Opus Dei is, Sir?

She's listening to me now. Opus Dei is

the incredibly strict division of the

Catholic Church. That's what she has to

vet. Anytime I'm going to go somewhere,

especially if I'm somewhere with guys,

especially if we're in swim clothes

or if we're going to do horseplay, she

just likes to know. OK, now she's

watching me again.

Do people ever?Is there wrestling?Does

anybody wrestle there?No. I mean, I

don't. I mean impromptu. It doesn't have

to be sanctioned. Not not that I'm

aware of. Is it against policy?

Yeah, I don't know where you would do

that. Oh, so the space is not conducive?

No, noAll right. How far does it

with the towel fall on?If I tied it

around my waist, it would cover the full

generals. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's watching

me now. She can see that I'm on the

phone. So we just need to stay here for a

minute. Yeah. YeahWell, I look forward to

meeting you. And she has a Rascal

scooter, so she just comes through once

in a while and I watch her go by and I

can hear it coming. Usually. Yeah.

She'll k*ll me one day, I think.

She tried to poison me one time. I went

to an urgent care and I got my blood

drawn. You know what was in it?Very, very

low trace cyanide. Yeah.

So is there anybody there right

now?If I was to come by now?No. Great.

But there's nobody. There's nobody in the

showers right now. No. If I came by now.

No. Right now. Right now. No. OK.

That's a bummer. OK. OKIs it OK if I call?

I'll call back in a couple minutes. All

right. I'll call right back. Thank you so

much. Thank you.

This is Becca. Hi. I'm interested in

enrolling in classes. I just wanted to

get some information about performing.

I'm I'm new to acting, but I'm interested

in maybe pursuing some classes. I've done

some dramatic work with family and you

know, I like to perform.

So our our adult classes have just

started. I don't know if I'm into adult

classes, just nothing too

racy, just regular kind of just

regular acting. I mean there it's

regular, it's acting classes, but we do

it by age range. Is it each class

sort of you kind of do an emotion like

you can take a class that's like I'm

being afraid, you know or is it suspense?

It's an on camera baseline class like

are you acting?Am I acting as soon as I

get there?Like kind of am I being, I

don't know if observed is the right word.

No, it's just when you go into class,

it's just like a normal like how classes

are in like school. That's

amazing. Was that

obviously I was acting. Yeah, yeah,

yeahWhat I'm working on is a one.

It was a one man show and now it's I'm

it's gearing it more towards a one person

show. OK. So I wanted

to. I don't know. I guess workshop

portions of different characters I'm

doing. Yeah, I think starting with

like private one-on-one sessions would be

better. That would be great because then

I could even come in in character and be

like, oh, hello, good to meet you. Well,

you may not want to do that until you're

with the coach just because the other

people would like like you're going to be

in an open interesting. Wait for the

class. I would. Yeah, I would. It would

be confusing if you weren't with the

coach. Yeah. YeahNo, that's cool. Yeah, I

get that. Yeah. No, I dig that. Yeah. Yeah

YeahIs that working?I mean, should I not

do that?Well, I just. I think perhaps

this character has a little bit of a

potential. Yeah, I think I would just

wait for. Your coach

though, OK, if you're OK, if

you're doing a character like that, if

I'm coming in like this

and they're wondering what is he doing?

You know, I don't want to like scare him

off or whatever. Even if I'm doing like

an animated guy, right?

We aren't like an agency or anything, so

we're not going to be able to book you

with anything. So when you come in, it's

not like you have to be on. Oh, I thought

it was like sort of a like if I'm in

there and I impress people, then that's

kind of the word gets out. Oh, no,

definitely not. That's disappointing

because I can like, I can,

I can change so quickly. I can.

There's like something special about what

I'm doing. Yeah. Well,

listen, I I'm sorry. I have a client

walking in right now. But I was. So

that's it, huhSo that's it. That's the

end of the call. Yes. Thank you

so much. How dare you help.

Dare you?I gotta go. I will talk to you

later, OK?Oh, you will.

touché.

Thank you for calling. This is Ryan. How

can I help you?Hey, hey, Ryan. Good. Good

afternoon. How are you doing, Sir?Good.

Yourself. Uh, very good. This is the

Reverend Lonnie Calderson. I'm

pastor of first. Baptist

and I had a quick question about the

games as I wanted to bring some of my

congregation. Sure. What

I was trying to find out was what

exactly is the cost to do one of

those stadium scoreboard, the

dedications. So like a like a little

shout out. I know some of my more

secular relatives told me that they do

something where where people, I believe

they kiss one another.

It's basically just like a they call it a

kiss Cam. I would assume they win condoms

or some sort of prophylactics if they're

kissing. We're not looking for X-rated

stuff. We're just, you know, like a

couple out and about and just haven't

enjoying them themselves at the game. So

I wanted to just put a little message on

the board and just you let me know if

this message is something that could be

approved. OK. I wanted to say to my wife,

Carolyn, who's the first lady of my

church, I wanted to tell her. I'm having

an affair with a woman half your age who

accepts me as a sexual being you

don't put out. And I'd like to split the

difference and invite this woman named

Candy. Yes, her name is Candy, and I

think you could learn a lot from one

another. We need to buy a king size bed

instead of this queen mattress so that

there's room for candy in the bed.

Amen. That I would not be able to do.

Have you ever had a dream?Have I had a

dream?Of course I have, because I've had

a dream. I have a dream that one day my

wife and Candy and I will fornicate

together in the promised land. Amen.

That's a good dream to have for you.

What's more family friendly than a man

making a bigger family with a 22 year old?

Couldn't answer that for you. I just want

to make sure that that the message is

possible and I'll tell Candy to wear

underwear for this event. I mean, I don't

know a giant like a large group setting.

Is that appropriate?To do. Well, all

these people are going to be gossiping

anyway, so they may as well see the truth

as it unfolds. What if?What if you talk

to?What if you talk to my wife for me?

Yeah, I don't know if I feel comfortable

with that. She's she's not going to stab

me. I I, you know, it seems like, you

know, something that you guys could work

out. I don't know if I want to get

involved in it. So. And then you put up

there. Carolyn, I'm sorry, but candy is

better for me. Oh, hell no.

Get your a*s off the phone and tell me

who the f*ck is candy?Let me call you

back. I got to pray with my wife.

This is Shawn. Hi, this is Terrence

Catheter, and I represent

Paris Hilton. You know who she is,

obviously. Absolutely.

Paris has an incredible

idea. She wants to get

married. Oh, to

her Chihuahua. Amazing.

They are very much in love. You've

probably seen their postings together on

Instagram. And she's just like, you know

what?Let's do this. I mean, neither one

of us is going to live forever, one of us

much shorter than the other. And so let's

tie the knot. Let's make this happen.

Absolutely. So when was she thinking of

doing this?What we're thinking is a

half human, half dog type

guest situation. So we'd have about 100

people and 100 dogs. We're thinking maybe

we would have bowls with the guest names

on them. And I think it would be such a

cute thing for the people to get down on

their hands and knees and to eat right

alongside the dogs. OK. And we think

we'll get a great deal of attention. For

both her and for your place. So I don't

know if you've seen online the agave

suite. That's like, oh, it's

beautiful. It's totally agave. The whole

thing seems so agave to me. Are

there any squirrels on the premises?

I'm sure there are. OK, that could be a

problem because Sergio does get a little

crazy around them and he likes to rip

them up. So if we could just, I don't

know, exterminate all the squirrels or

whatever before we get there. We would so

appreciate it. Is the pool open for

the dogs?No, we don't allow any

outside animals or anything. What about

the hot tub?The hot tub is in the same

pool area, so no, these are like largely

pursed dogs. So, I mean, they do

get a little crazy. They are animals and

there will be some leg humping and

probably we'll have some accidents and

drugs too. We'd love to have some drugs.

Well, we can't do that here. Oh, gotcha.

Wink, wink. The honeymoon suite. Let's

talk about that. So there's just a

suite here that we have here. It's our

biggest, um, suite here. Great.

That's where they will, I guess,

consummate this thing. Um,

regular bed or dog bed?Just a regular

bed. And I am going to speak to Paris

about their first child, because if it is

a girl, I would love them to name it

after you, Thank you so much.

Now, when we do meet Paris, please don't

look her in the eyes because they're a

little bit dead. Oh, OK.

This is so hot, isn't it?Very much so.

This is going to be bigger than Harry and

Megan. Oh, even better. Because Megan

isn't a dog. All righty. Have a good day.

Goodbye. Yee haw. Ow,

ow, ow, ow, ow,

ow.

It's Colby. Colby. Hey, it's

Randall. Me and the wife and family

are moving down in the

Springerville area. And I

was thinking about a membership of the

club. I like the reviews that I've seen.

OK. And I was, I've been trying to get a

feel on

how are the men?Well, as far

as the membership in in all,

I've been here for 20 years for a reason.

It's just one of the nicest clubs I've

ever belonged to or yeah, I worked

at. And so the men are, the men are good.

Everybody's good. You can't. Everybody's

accepting. We do a ABCD

event about once a month where you just

sign up and get paired with whomever. I'm

I'm married. I don't know if I can do

that kind of event. Is that a?I saw a

movie. Is that like the movie The Ice

Storm?The ABCD event?

Oh boy, The Ice Storm. Well, it's

ABCD means we just pair up, you know, say

you have 40 players. The low 10

handicaps are eight players. Oh, this is

a sports thing. Yeah. Whoa.

What is wrong with my mind that I I just

thought you'd pair up members and it was,

I don't. I was thinking it was like in

the something in the showers or

something. So the men's you say are

seven, eights and nines. But no 10s.

Well, I'm just saying the handicaps,

right?We have all ranges of handicaps.

So, yeah. Are you an avid golfer?

Oh, I don't golf at all. And actually,

handicap people make me very nervous.

Oh, OK. Yeah. So are you looking at the

club just in the social aspect?Social for

sure. OK. You know, I'm the golf course

side of it. You probably want to talk to

our. Oh, you're the golf guy. OK. I'm

pretty big on horseplay, Colby. Is there

someone I could talk to there?You know,

this voice is very familiar. And

you're a member, aren't you?I am. Say

your name. Who is this?Not

only that, but can you see me right now?

Look around. Are you coming around the

corner?Yep. Keep looking.

Colder. You're the other way.

Warmer. Well, getting hot.

So you're outside. Colder.

Warmer. Oh, boy. You see me now?Are

you out here?Where are you?Can you see me?

Where are you at?Ready. Further over.

Look. See where the fountain is. The

fountain. So you can see me. I can

tell that. I can see you. I can see

you. Are you up for the weekend?I'm

definitely up for the weekend. OK. You're

you're cold. You're cold. You're now

you're way cold. You're now you're way

too cold. Oh, my God. All right, well, I

got to get over and I I I have to head

over and give a big presentation here in

a second. So where are you at?God, I love

this club so much. Ready.

Did you check the bushes?Look in the

bushes. You're closer than you think. The

bushes. Oh,

towards the fountain. Yep. Oh, God, I am.

I almost have your voice, though. I know

who this is. I almost have your voice.

You're gonna see me very soon. Oh, my

God. You're gonna see me very soon at

your presentation. Are you over in

the clubhouse?Tell you what, when you see

me at the presentation, do a Carol

Burnett. OK. Carol Burnett. When you

think you see me, tug the ear. All right.

Well, I'm going to hang up so I can

actually walk out there and I'll see you

there. All right. I'll be there ahead of

you. Bye. Bye. Bye.