05x16 - Wanda Sykes, David Alan Grier & Abbi Jacobson

[bunniefuu]

I was wondering if there was, like, a

indica that is, like, safe for a baby.

If they scare me, I need you to punch

them in the face. Big butts and sinny

candles. Light that

flame. Do you tell your mom you work at

the Apple Store?I tell her I sell bildos.

Do you not like movies?I don't like this

situation right now. It's Niles and Giles

of Splooge Battalion. Smash our subscribe

button.

Come on, come on 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

cell When the world's gone to hell But

you're gonna feel swell When we

pick up From New York to

Alabama The

problem won't throw our a*s in the

slammer 'Cause we're disturbing others

Maybe even your mother Won't you join the

Frank Yankers tonight Frank

Yankers!

Thank you for calling. This is Chris

speaking. How can I help you?Hello, this

is Landeliest True Fail. Do y'all do

karaoke over there?No, no, we do not.

Say what?No,

I'm trying to find a place. You know

where you come in with the karaoke?You

sing from the list of songs. But what I

do, I am a retired semi-pro

ball player. I'm sure you heard of me.

Pretty famous and well known in the

southeastern, southern part of Michigan.

Long story short, I love

karaoke, but I like singing my own

songs. Have you ever heard of that?Yes,

Sir. Now, do you sing karaoke?No.

What?Do you

rent out?Or lease the

bar for like private parties or

functions like that. Yeah. Can I ask you,

how many folks do y'all hold up in there?

Oh, so we could probably do 72 people the

Max. That is all right. Well, what I what

I like to do is I like to sing karaoke,

but I bring my own karaoke, you

understand?So it's not like normally when

you go in. Fella like yourself. Oh, I

want to sing some Judy Garlett. Boom.

Somewhere over the rainbow. Yes, sir. We

don't do that. I come in with all

Landelius all the time.

I'll give you an example.

Hey, little lady, do

you like to boo the boogaloo with me?

You know, stuff like that. And I'm going

to tell you what, folks go crazy.

So do you have a menu, some of the stuff

that y'all serve and do we have to just

go off that menu or can I come in with

something crazy, you know, crawfish pie,

something like that. I don't know, pig

knuckles, something, you know, that I

say, oh, this is my special dish. How do

you do the kitchen?We have our menu.

That'll be what we operate off of. What

do y'all do about the liquor?Do I get

that through you all or how do y'all do

that part?Yeah. So in order to secure a

reservation, it would be the

minimum in spending. So what you have to

spend for the whole night. Will be $7500.

Okey doke. Sounds good. Thanks for

talking to me. Yes, Sir. Big butts and

sinny candles.

Light that flame. My heart go

crazy. Looking at your big

old buttB is

beautiful. You. I'm

thinking of your uterus and T

cause. Time and time and time and

time and tea It's terrific

and a*s Boom, Shaka-lock, boom, boom,

boom, boom, boom. Have a good night. Okey

dokey. This is ,

how may I help you?Hi, can you hear me?

Yes, I can. I canI just want to make sure

you can hear me. I can. I'm sorry. I'm a

little stressed out. I'm. I'm watching my

sister's kid. He's like a no,

no, noI totally understand. I'm not

really. I'm not really good with babies

either. I don't think anybody is quite

prepared for it. No,

no, I don't think so either. And this

baby just like won't sleep. I was

wondering if there was like a low

grade indica.

That is like, kind of safe

for a baby. Yeah, there definitely are

some. So I wouldn't go to a dispensary to

get it. Oh, but I can't do black market.

I can't deal with like, no, it won't be

black market. You can literally go into a

supermarket to pick it up. Like what I

was thinking of doing was like, hopefully

put on a movie and we could like

zone out. But like, I want to make sure

that the baby's catching a good wave.

Totally understand. This sounds strange,

but what about something for me while I'm

watching him?Yeah, yeah, I I have some

perfect things for you. Like, I want the

baby to think I'm a fun uncle and cool

uncle, but also if he's like gonna come

out of the closet, he could do it to me.

Right. RightMaybe I'm overthinking it. I

I probably overthinking it. Maybe cause

the baby is coming down off Molly,

which was a mistake. OK. A big

mistake, right?So I want to, like, make

sure that that he comes down easy.

Gotcha. But the baby's fine now. I put on

some Diplo, so he's totally fine. Do

they make like pacifiers that are also

vapes?There's nothing that I know of on

the market just because it's just

notified. You should go in on that

together. You should go on that. You

should go in on that. The science is just

out on it a little bit. What are you

doing right now?Are you busy?We're just

working in the shop here. OK, well, then

I'm just gonna come in a little later and

pick up that baby weed. Can I bring a

baby there?Not inside of the building.

Can I leave it outside?I mean, ideally

you you'd want to have somebody else in

the car with the child just because I

don't have a car. OK, gotcha.

Oh, you know what I wanted to ask you

before when you're talking about the

black market and you were like, you

should investigate, like, just. How to

get weed outside of the legal system?

Like, if I wanted to give you the baby,

like, let's say you're a drug dealer and

I wanted to give you the baby. Is that

worth money?

This is Jessica. Hi, this. So this

is Jessica. Yes.

OK, this is going to sound really weird.

I can't tell you who I am, but basically

I'm playing a character that is

based on you in a movie.

OK, this is a business. I know.

Anyway, could I come in and shadow you

really get into the role?Is this for real?

This is like really weird and creepy. I'm

not weird or creepy. So I guess you made

an impression on somebody and they

thought that what you do is like cool or

like the character really has like depth.

I don't think that you know what I do

at all. I know that's I want to come in

and learn. And no, I'm not interested in

this. You're not. Do you not like movies?

I don't like this situation right now.

This is very Jessica of you.

But like Tom Hanks, for instance, you

know Tom Hanks?Yeah. He does

this for every role, and

I'm not going to tell you who I am, but

I'm actually a little bit more famous

than he is in certain pockets, but only

in those pockets. What is the movie

called?It's called Spring Back.

Yeah, I'm going to hang up now. They said

that you would do this. They were

like, she's not going to believe this.

She's going to be very suspicious. She's

going to say she's going to hang up.

Plus, like, I work in the back, so I

don't know how any customer would even

know who I am. That's a very interesting

fact about your job. This is the kind of

stuff I need to know. Like you're this is

very helpful. You need to know what a

receptionist does. You know what makes

you tick?What?What drives you?Why do you

show up to work every day?Because I have

to have a job. It can't just be about

your job. You know, I'm working at an

office, Max, here. Hey, I thought you

were more famous than Tom Hanks. Well, I

was. This was my comeback role.

This is how Hollywood works, Jessica.

OK, well, I don't live as Hollywood.

Unknown ladies want to keep yelling at

me. This is the Jessica

that I wanted the first time. You are

giving me emotion right now. You are

giving me exactly why they wrote this

character about you, and this is a huge

opportunity to me. You could be my plus

one to the premiere. Can I shadow you,

Jessica?Does that work for your schedule?

None of this works for my schedule at

all. I think it's very weird. And like,

and this is how your character grows in

the end. This is just like the movie. In

the beginning of Spring Back, the

character doesn't trust and

throughout the course of the movie you

learn to trust. I was just like you. I

was like an an obscure nobody working

in the back of an OfficeMax. OK and

and and and this could change everything

for you. It sounds like it's just going

to change everything for you. You don't

like working at OfficeMax anymore. I

thought this would be highly flattering.

I would love for someone to write a movie

about me. What do you what is my last

name then?No, I'm I'm prohibited to

say certain details about. Uh, the

character I'm portraying. I signed to

NDA. You can't tell me my own last name.

Do you know it?Oh my God.

OK, I'm gonna go now, but thank you for

the call.

Hello. Where are you guys located?We're

located on Beaver St.

I'm sorry. We're at the corner of Beaver

and. Did you say Beaver St.

OK, oh, that's that's awesome. There's.

Sorry. There's a street called Beaver St.

That's just so funny. That's so great. It

is. That's so dope. So we're right at the

corner of that. Sorry, my mind is blue.

It's OK. We're also,

if you know where this is, but you can

also locate it on Google. But we're next

to the hospital. Yeah, I'll look it up.

So that once you know, once you know

where that is, you can kind of get a

gauge where we are. Got it. Sorry. On

Street View, I just saw it. It said

Beaver St. I'm like, holy shitThat's

so dope. Like, did you work there?Just so

you can be like, yeah, I work on Beaver

Street. No, but I definitely was

surprised when I when I found out that

street existed. Yeah. Yeah, it's a very

unlikely name. But wait, what's your name?

This is Rosie's Princess Agent. Rosie,

you're lying to me. Is the owner like a

perv or something?Come on. That's

amazing. Were you interested in a

reservation for today until tomorrow?

Yeah. I'm sorry. I. I

cannot get over it. I cannot. I'm so

sorry. Can you save me a piece of your

junk mail just so I can have a thing that

says Beaver Street?Hey, Mark.

Wait, sorry. This is my buddy. Mark.

Mark. My bro Mark is here. Mark. Rosie.

Sorry. Rosie, can you just tell my boy

Mark what street you're on?Yes,

so we're on Beaver Street. Get out of

here. That's a joke, right?

Are you kidding me?I swear to God, dude.

It's real, dude. It's a real street,

right?Is it on the corner of c*ck

Blvd. I'm a little busy right

now. I just really need to know, were

you interested in making a reservation?

I'm sorry, we were requiring about two

days arrive on the 4th, leave on the 5th

from the 4th to the 5th. If you want a

room with one bed also includes

breakfast as well. And it's funny cause

like we were like laughing cause Beaver,

you're thinking of just the animal, right?

No, I do understand. I do understand.

Yeah, like I'm talking about the animal

cause they're funny and they make dams

and stuff. All right. Thank you so much,

Rosie. I appreciate it. Hopefully you'll

be on Beaver Street sometime. Thank you

so much. Have a nice. I mean, how do you

get any work done?You're lying. You're

lying to me.

Hello. HelloIs this Raquel?

Yes. Hey, I need a I'm looking for a

babysitter. I saw your ad. OK,

I need you to to come over and babysit.

But I I need you to babysit.

Babysit me, be honest with you, cause

Halloween scares the sh*t out of me.

People just coming up to your doors and

all those crazy costumes and stuff.

Yeah, you know, I want to participate,

you know, maybe get up some candy and

stuff. So basically I need you. At

my house like at 6:00 PM and

then you could leave the next day around

like noon. OK. But you got to let me

know before you get there though, like

when you when you out front so I can get

rid of all the booby traps that I'm going

to have set up. OK. OK

And like if any of those kids that when

they come to the door, if they scare me,

I need you to punch them in the face. OK.

Yeah, you you kind of like a tough girl.

Yeah, that's fine. Good. Cause I need

somebody to be able to to whoop a

goblin's a*s cause if Dracula, he he

could bring his a*s up in there if he

want to. Raquel gonna take care of his a*s

That's right. OK, so I gotta have

a babysitter cause like last year I'm in

Full disclosure here. I did

like pull a knife on this one kid that

was a zombie, but he he looked real. He

looked like a real zombie. So I I threw,

I threw a knife at him. But luckily it

just went to the tree. It didn't hit him.

And the parents tried to sue me. So it's

almost like I got to have. Yeah, I got to

have supervision on Halloween,

right?Oh, and here's the thing, too.

Don't put no mask on or nothing. Just

come like, just come like just yourself,

Raquel. Don't even wear orange and black.

Don't do that. That scares me, too. I

just do not like scary shitI

don't like it at all. OK. I need you

to come dressed as a good Christian

babysitter. Now we are are we on the same

page?Yes, I'm on the same page. Good.

So I want you here 6:00.

Call first. Let me know

you're coming. No slutty babysitter sh*t

You just be ready to kick assOK?

And I feel. I feel better like this.

Cause I'm gonna tell you Halloween can

suck a big that bag of Dicks if you ask

me. Well, we're gonna-- yeah, we're gonna

take care of it. OK. That sounds good.

OK. OKAnd then what you doing for

Thanksgiving?

Hello?Hey, . This is the Roast

Master. You're on the air. What's your

name again?Kevin. I only

roast the ones I lust, and I love your

store so much. So come in and see us.

How's the dildo exchange program going

over there?There's no such a thing.

Are you sure?I'm positive. Sounds like it

could be pretty fun, just a little messy.

You know what?You're not supposed to

laugh. I aren't supposed to laugh. You're

supposed to make me laugh. It's not the

other way around. That's not fair. Maybe

you should get some lube for your

personality. No, my

personality's fun. I'm not dry at all,

buddy. Do you guys sell rubber sheets?I

need some from my grandma. No, no rubber

sheets. Your grandma hot, though. Come

on, stop laughing. You're right. I love

your store. It's my favorite porn shop,

just so you know. And that's why I'm

doing this. Thank you. I appreciate it.

You guys are about a month away from

turning into a vape store. You think so?

I tried to use the bathroom at your

store, but the attendant said it was for

masturbating people only. No,

that one wasn't good. Your store's like

the Smutsonian. It's

getting worse. You can come in here. We

have a corset for you. It'll keep you

nice and tight. A corset. What do you

mean?A corset to wear around your around

your body. We'll get you all dressed up,

dolled up. We got heels. Let me ask you

something. Do you tell your mom you work

at the Apple Store?No, I tell her. I tell

bildos and I'm proud of it.

And I'll turn around and I'll say, what

size do you like, mom?She's like, oh,

stop it. Let's see what else I got here

on my list of roast jokes for your store.

You're going through a list. It's on top

of my assYou're not doing anything. I am.

You're just sitting there taking it.

You're laughing. When I come in, can I

get a five finger discount?In other

words, a fist up my assNo,

we'll get you. We'll get the tweezers out

if you're jerking up. Don't worry about

it. We got you. I should be doing the

roast. You should. Where do I go?I heard

your DVDs have extra VDs. Is that true?

Yeah. The herpes free. Don't worry about

it. We got you. I'm on it. You

sound like you'd make a great fit for my

nephew's molester. Oh,

he's 42. I like the mold. Wow.

Kevin, thank you. You're welcome.

Hello. Is this the camera shop?It

is. Wonderful. Who am I speaking with?

My name's Michael. Michael. Hello.

This is Niall Standish calling. Hi.

I need to set up a. Full array of

equipment. I'm talking cameras,

psychs, lighting, green

screens, the whole shebang. Yeah,

I have a guy here who can set you up with

that. The channel that we stream has

become too big and we're going

worldwide. We want to be Internet

famous. Yes,

it's us. It's Niles and Giles of Splooge

Battalion. Cool. Let me have

Giles explain it to you, my twin brother.

OK. Hello. HelloHello

It's Giles, one of the Splouts battalion.

Smash our subscribe button. Smash our

subscribe button. Are you smashing our

subscribe button?Smash it. Smash our

subscribe button. Giles. Oh, Sir. What's?

I apologize for Giles. He gets very

excited. I don't know, Sir. How can I

help you?We need lighting, we need

high-end cameras, and we need them set

up. For our channel Splooge Battalion,

it's a gas. Giles and I play a game where

we take turns tickling each other. The

first man who splooges with laughter is

the loser. We're having trouble syncing

our GoPro Splooge Cam with our live

stream. And we love to live stream,

if you know what I mean. Tell them,

Giles, I like to live stream. Smash my

subscription button. Smash my button.

Smash my subs. Thank

you for calling Cameron. This is

Jonathan. How may I help you?Hello,

Jonathan. I was just speaking with

Michael, but we were disconnected.

Is there anything I can help you with?

Yes, yes, there is. On Splooge Battalion,

Giles and I get together and we tickle

one another. Whoever splooges first is

the loser or winner. Are you

ticklish yourself?Because we could always

use a new splooger. Well, I think.

I think you're having a petcack era.

That's what it sounds like. That means

the problem is the problem exists between

keyboard and chair. You know I do have

that. And also, shingles on my an*s

I'll tickle it for you. So I'm gonna wish

you a good day, and you have a good day.

Shane, grab it, Cameron. Get over here.

I'm about to squirt.

I'm sure

you can find... I'm sure you can find...

Oh, Giles.