06x05 - Bobby Brown, Natasha Leggero, Paul Scheer

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

cell When the world's gone to hell But

you're gonna feel swell When they

pick up From New York to

Alabama

I want to throw our a*s in the slam

because we're disturbing others Maybe

even your mother Won't you try

to crank Yankers tonight Crank Yankers!

Lumber.

Force Products, this is . Can I help you?

This is Gavin. How you doing?I'm good,

thank you. Okay. Hey, I'm calling with

Hands Across America 2. We're

planning on having. Are you familiar with

us?I'm not. No. What's it

regarding?We just planned our new route

for the next symbolic gesture and we're

going right through your building. And so

we want to have people hold hands going

through your building because people are

going to be doing it all the way across

the country. OK. So

basically I I just wanted to to tell you

about it cause we're going to come and do

it and I think it'll be such an

incredible addition to to your guys's

Instagram feed. None of your followers

are going to experience anything as as

woke and cool as this. OK, well, you know

what?This is a lumber mill is what it is.

So basically it's kind of a hard thing to

do here. But well, the only reason I need

to talk to someone now is just cause if

if we can't go through the lumber yard,

we're going to have to and close it so no

one can get in or out. Oh, just a

minute. Let me give you. You can't do

that. Hold on. Well, we're going to let

me give you the. OK. Thank you.

Hi, this is. Hey, this is Gavin with

Hands Across America. How are you doing?

I'm fine, Gavin. How are you?I'm pretty

good. Told me that maybe you were the guy

to talk to. So I just wanted to let you

know what we're planning here. We're

having people hold hands all across the

country as a show of unity, and we're

going to have people come through your

lumber yard and hold hands there. And I

just wanted to go through some of our

demands with you. You

can tell me what you got in mind and I'll

tell you what I'm going for. A bunch of

our volunteers are going to come and

stand in the lumber yard holding hands.

And making a line and we're going to do

that all the way across the country and

your lumberyard will be just one of them.

What's the end game?Well, the end game is

just to put on sort of a display of unity

in the country. We think we need it right

now. Interesting. Yeah,

it's we're going to be doing it all

across the country and it's a really good

way to promote small businesses too. And

just for safety purposes, you guys would

have to shut down all the saws and

production for five or six hours.

Well, that's not going to happen.

Calling back. Sports

products. This is. Can I help you?Hey,

it's Gavin. I just got off the phone with

and he's really excited. Oh, well, good.

Yeah. So I wanted to. He told me to call

you back and give you some of the

details. So here's what we're going to

do. We're going to, when it's time for

this to happen, we're going to send all

the people to the yard there. And I'm

wondering if you'll be my point person.

You know what?Hang on just a SEC. OK.

Hold on just a minute. OK.

Hi, this is. Hey, it's Gavin. I'm sorry.

I keep getting disconnected from you

guys. No, you didn't get disconnected. I

hung up on you on purpose. That would be

how you hang up. Yeah, that's. You're

pretty smart. Well, there's no way I want

you on my property, and there's no way

I'm shutting it down for four to five

hours. So pick somebody else. Well, I'm

sure we can work something out. I have no

interest. I don't have any interest in

any of your horseshit so don't call us

anymore. We're talking about national

unity here. I don't give a. Don't call me

anymore. Calling

back!

Hello, this is . Hey, it's Gavin.

I'm a little worried about our last

interaction. Yeah, but I thought we told

you to off.

I'm calling them about Brad

Garrett, essentially. I love it.

the sound. Hello. Hi. Hi

I was recently at a hockey game there and

my son got hit in the face with a puck.

OK, I mean, that part was awful,

obviously. But on the bright side, Brad

Garrett was there and that guy is so

freaking funny. And I had him sign

a napkin for me and I I can't find it

anywhere because I was, like, dealing

with my stupid kids. So, like, I'm

wondering. Is there any way you can look

in the ranks and see if you can find his

autograph?Yeah. And

whereabouts were you guys sitting?I think

we were like in the third row when it

happened. I mean, there was like blood

everywhere, but are you a Garrett

fan?No, I'm not aware of who that is. Are

you telling me right now that you don't

know who Brad Garrett is?No,

I don't. Who's he play for?Who did he

play for?No, Brad Garrett, the

legendary comedian from Everybody Loves

Raymond. Hello?

No, I don't... I don't I

don't think I ever watched that show.

Does that ring a bell?Raymond?

I can't, I'm so bad at impressions.

Raymond?Yeah, no. Huckamaw loves you

more. Huckamaw loves you more. Huckamaw

loves you more. Ring a bell. No, I

no, I don't think I ever watched that

show. So what kind, what color napkin was

it on?I mean, we had our cleaning crew

here. It was white and it had a

little bit of blood on it because I

remember my son, he tried to use it to to

sop up the blood and I was like, no,

that's Brad's signature. And then, you

know, other people got involved and I

kind of ended up losing the napkin, but

OK. Yeah, if you right now, I'm in the in

the back just getting ready to cut ice.

If you want to throw me an e-mail. Well,

OK, so he wrote on the he wrote on the

napkin. Everybody loves Brad.

OK. Oh, actually, though, I should ask

you while I have you on the phone. My son

is saying he can't see out of his eye. Do

you think that will go away?Is it swollen?

Very. Yeah. Yeah,

for sure. For sure it'll go away. Yeah,

that would. Yeah, it itI mean, it's. My

son got hit in the face, too.

Unfortunately, he broke his nose as well.

But And he was blurry for, I

don't know, probably five, six days, and

that's when they started coming back. You

know what happened when Brad saw him?He

was like, my God, is he all right?And I

was like, he's better than all right.

He's talking to freaking Brad Garrett.

Yeah, I have no idea. You're lucky I'm

not threatening legal action, by the way,

because my kid is clearly a little up.

Yeah, he'll he'll be OK. Kids

are resilient. But I will personally go

and look for this napkin here in just a

little bit. I'm at Brad Garrett. All is

good in the world.

OK. No, but seriously, that autograph is

valuable. Please find me that

autograph. OK. I mean, he said he's there

all the time. I'll have to Google him

because if he's here all the time, it'd

be kind of nice to know who he is. You

better not tell him you don't know who he

is. I'm telling you, that guy has a eagle

on him. I could tell. Were you here when

Martin Brodeur was here this weekend?No.

Are you sh1tting me?Yeah, he was here

this weekend. He was signing autographs

on Sunday. Wait, who's that?Are

you telling me you don't know who Martin

Brodeur is?You know what?I am kind of

like. See, I got. I didn't know who the

Raymond dude was. No, he's the best

goalie of all time. Played for the devil.

Wow. Did you get his name on a napkin?No,

I got his name on a hockey stick. But do

you have-- just e-mail me at @Yahoo with

your information. That way, if if we can

find it, we'll make sure we get it to

you. OK, well, you should probably get in

there soon. Raymond. You better watch an

episode tonight. I'm here at the rink

now. Raymond.

Raymond! All right. I got to go. Have a

good night. I guess back

to picking up fragments of skull.

This is Bobby Brown's uncle. You know

Bobby Brown, the singer?Yeah, I do.

Oh, you ever have a rat bite you on your

bottom?I can't see that I

have, bud. Oh, boy.

Plumbing. Hey, who am I

speaking with?Uh, this is

Janie. Amy,

you got to help me. I'm sitting here on

the toilet and a rat done

crawled up and bit me on my

a*s and I need some help.

And I need to catch this rat.

Hold on. Let me let me put you on with

John. OK?Oh, please, please put

somebody on the phone. Oh,

OK, just a minute. This hurts so bad.

Oh, my assCome on,

John. This is John. How can I help you?

John?Yes?John, my bottom's on

fire. I need somebody to come snake my

toilet and catch this song, b*tch

Then bit me on my assWhat is it?

A rat and crawled up my pipes and bit me

on the assAre you still sitting on the

toilet?I'm at 192

Road. 192 .

Yes, right by the golf course. This is

Bobby Brown's uncle. You know Bobby

Brown, the singer. Yeah, I do.

Oh, you ever have a rat bite you on your

bottom?I can't say that I

have, bud. Oh, man. My

bottom's on fire. I need your help.

Can you get here?All right. Let me

look and see if I can get you pulled up

here. I need you to come snake the toilet

so I can grab it. I grabbed that sum

b*tch by the neck. Oh, wow. Let me look

into it here now. Do you need me to call

any medical professionals just in case?

No, no,

noI put back in

there. Woo. You said the Waffle

House. You think you can help me?You

think you can get out here?I'm sure gonna

try, bud. Oh, I can't take it. I can't

take it. How quickly can y'all get out

here?I'll get him ticket made-up and I'll

see how fast I can get him out there and

I'll give you a call. What's the number

to reach you at?Listen, nobody can know

about this. Nobody can know about this.

You can't put this on my space. I haven't

used my space in years, bud. Anywhere

that the Brown family might be able to

see it. All right, soon as I get someone

available, I'll give you a call. You got

to be faster than that rat. Oh, hell, I

don't know about that. I'm a pretty big

guy. I don't know if I can move that

fast. Oh, he's coming again. He's coming

again. Come on, John. Oh, sh*t

Oh, John, he done pit me in my a*s

again.

He has what we think is a bunch of gold

doubloons under the bed in a lock box.

Let's say we get that lock box to you.

Can you get in that lock box?I have no

idea what he's talking about. Mark's

ready. Yeah, dial. Dial it in. Let's do

this. Call in.

Hello. Yeah. What's the price of gold

today?What do you have?Is that name

or mine?Well, my name's Brad. I'm sorry I

should introduce myself. And I have on

the line my brother. Hi, Mimi

Mork. How are you today?We have what we

think is a pretty interesting

opportunity. Our uncle Noah

is got a beautiful gold necklace and

he's on his way out. Yeah. And

he's. You know, he's not doing too good.

He's about to pass. We need the

cash now, obviously. So we're just going

to try to consult with you on how to get

in there, just on the stealth

side, you know, all in the up and up, but

sneak into the home. Let

me ask you this, because Uncle Noah's

incredibly hairy chest and his

gold medallion necklace often gets

entangled in the hair. So if my brother

Mork and I tried to take the necklace

off, we're worried we're going to wake

him up. Send me the picture of what do

you have?Then only I can assist you. OK,

You want me to take a picture of Uncle

Noah as he sleeps?One thing we

could do, Brad, is we can sneak in and

get a Polaroid for you of the chest hair

and how that is entangled in that

beautiful gold. But we can also do a test

run with some numbing lube.

That's usually used for adult activities,

but if you could use that lube on the

hair and really just kind of relax the

nerves and then my brother Brad can get

in there with some kind of chicken

shears. Anything else?If it's



kitchen shears, in other words, to split

the gold necklace to get it off his hairy

chest?Send me the picture of what you

have. Then only we can. Can I ask

you one more question?He has what we

think is a bunch of gold doubloons

under the bed in a lockbox. Let's say we

get that lockbox to you. Can you get in

that lockbox?I don't know. I have no

idea what you're talking about. So if you

have the gold to sell, you've got gold

coins in the lockbox under

Uncle Noah, we slip in there,

get the lockbox, you break

into the lockbox and get us that

beautiful sweet gold and then give us

cash. OK, so you're going to bring it to

the door. We're pretty sure there's about



that. I'm talking premium nugs. So you

have to bring it in if you want it.

That's that's all I can say. We have

another idea. Brad and I do know some

local videographers. We could set up

a crew. You could, you know, float us

some production money. We could get in

there with the crew, do some lighting and

get you kind of the 3D video that you

need. To tell us how many beautiful nugs.

The problem is we're not going to be able

to get this necklace off Uncle Noah

without stirring him. So if we could get

a professional film crew down there to

film him as he sleeps, then we could get

that over to you and you could give us a

better estimate of how many Nuggets we're

dealing with. I think if you just send us

a little bit of Novocaine, a noose, some

a**l lube. And some kitchen

shears. We could get the job done. And

also, of course, using Mini Mork McGarter

snake. We sneak in there. We apply the

Novocaine to sleeping Noah. We

get the a**l lube, get everything real

nice and greased up, and get those

kitchen shears and remove those Nuggets

for you. What do you think, Sir?I have no

idea what you're talking about. Oh,

sorry. You know what?He's he's starting

to wake up. Let me give him another shot

of Novocaine. Uncle. Uncle Noah. I'm

sorry. It's just us. It's Mini Mork.

Brad, don't worry. We just wanted to try

on your medallion, Uncle Noah. Mini mark,

attack.

I thought that went pretty well.

I have a pot of hot, boiling water. I

just drink some of that, and then we get

it. I would call your doctor before you

do anything else. I can't. I have that

doctor. Let me try the hot water, 'cause

it did. Ohh No, I would call your doctor

before you do anything. Uh, no, that's

all right, you're right, I do it 'cause,

uh, that burns.

Thanks for trying . This is Lisa.

Lisa, hi. I just was in there for, I

I got a slalom and my

tongue is frozen. Like, is there, did you

put dry ice in there or something?I can

barely speak. My tongue is, I can't even

say anything. Um No, I

made it how I normally just make it.

The ice is sticking to my tongue. It's

like bleeding on my tongue now. The

smoothie is like there's pieces in it or

something. I don't know. It's like tongue

is completely frozen.

Oh, I am so sorry about. I don't

know what to do if you. I mean, you could

call my manager and maybe talk to her.

No, I did. Yeah. What did you recommend?

Would you recommend something like I

heated up or it hurts so much. I

maybe you should put the like Icy Hot on

it or the ghost Peppers or something. I

don't know that you get it to warm up.

I would, yeah, maybe just drink something

warm. So her name

is Annie and I can give you the numbers.

Please. I didn't talk to Annie. Yes. OK.

Yeah, go ahead. It's 336.



OK, great. OK, great. Thank you for

telling me. Thank you.

Calling back. This is

Annie. Hi, Annie. Hi,

Annie. I was in the store. I got the

smoothie, the solemn smoothie. And as I

was drinking it, my tongue. It became

numb. Like it's like like

I can barely talk. It's like this is not

the way my normal voice is cause my

tongue is dangling around like a like a

Labrador I hear. It's like I'm like I

hang in my mouth. I don't know. I would I

would call like not like your doctor.

I mean I I guess no that's never happened

to my doctor. But you that's this is your

fault. I don't know what to do. And now

my head first is my tongue and then it's

my brain. Stop laughing at me.

Who's laughing at you?My children are

laughing at me. OK, so you need to call

your doctor. I can't help. I have a pot

of hot boiling water. I just drink some

of that. I will call your doctor before

you do anything else. I

can't. I'm not. No, I would call your

doctor before you

do anything. I cannot do anything for

you. You need to call the doctor. I

called the doctor. The doctor said to

call you first. No, they did not. They

would not call you. No. Okay, I'm gonna

pick up this one hot coal with the

fireplace tongue. Here we go. No, I'm

gonna leave. I'm gonna hang up now. Thank

you. No, that was too hot!

I'm gonna call the doctor now!

I'm gonna call the doctor. Are you happy?

Calling back! Thanks for calling, . Yeah,

hi. Is Annie there?Uh Let me see if she's

able to talk. May I ask who's calling?

Thanks. Yep, it's Gary. OK,

one second.

This is Annie. Hey, Annie, it's Gus. I

called earlier. I I had that issue with

the smoothie and I just want to say I

talked to the doctor and he was right. He

said just let it warm up. OK. Yeah. My

doctor said I was wasting his time. Yeah.

No, I said that you told me to call him.

I've never had that happen before, so I

figured I would send it to a medical

expert. I am not one of them. Well, so

unfortunately. Yeah, for sure. Because

you're the employee that I called the 1st

place of red on. Road.

She told me to, you know, to, you know,

shave off my taste buds over there. And I

think, you know, I'm just going to. Yeah.

No, I talked to her after you had called

me and she, she mainly said maybe have

some warm water, but to call me and

that's what they're directed to. Just to

call me. I'm going to finish the shake

now and I'll just. All right. Talk to

you. I see it's happening again. It's

happening again. It's happening again.

This fake is just the word. It's giving

me. This is the word. I I can't barely

drink this. I'm gonna have to go now. So.

Well, yeah, take responsibility for the

job that you do. You are not in the store

and you're hurting people. People are

dying. Annie, are you OK?We'll have the

police contact you and then you can

decide. Yeah, I'll send them right over

to your place. That's fine. And then they

can decide what to do with that. And then

don't give them a fake because they'll

k*ll a cop. Yeah, I'll have-- I'll have

to pass, and then I'll have them decide

what's best in that situation. So I'll

give them your number right now, and

we'll we'll let them handle it. Please

do. All right. Have a great day. Bye.

Thank you. Ah