06x11 - Jimmy Kimmel, Annie Murphy & Tiffany Haddish

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on 'cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

cell when the world's come to hell But

you're gonna feel swell when they

pick up from New York to

Alabama They'll

probably won't throw our a*s in the slam

because we're disturbing alleven

your mother Won't you join the Crank

Yankers tonight Crank Yankers!

Yeah, yeah, let's do one more for sure.

Seafood. Hi.

I am calling with quite a peculiar

question and request for you. Okay. I was

just curious as to what do you all do

with the the fish?After it it

it stops being so delicious when it goes

bad. Do you throw it away or

or what?If it yeah, if it goes bad, we

have to throw it out, right?I'm

Long story short, there's a guy at work

who's just he won't get off my tail

and I've talked to him time and time

again to just stay out of my cubicle and

he won't and I've I've kind of exhausted

all of my options. I'm at my

wit's end and I think that the only

reasonable and andPractical

thing to do at this point is to

douse myself in fish. As crazy as that

might seem, I feel like, you know, this

stench of of fish might be the only thing

that will stop this this guy's advances.

Honestly, you're not the first person to

call and ask for fish for that kind of

reasons. Well, so it's not that weird and

we would be more than happy to give you

some. Can you tell me their story at all?

Or I mean, I I didn't realize that there

would be another person in my

circumstance. This is actually quite

uplifting. Well, one person just wanted

it to like play a prank on his roommates

for just not being good to them. We

haven't had anybody call about

deterring a guy making unwanted advances,

but. As a girl who's been in that

situation, I would be happy to give you

fish for it. You are a

feminist hero. Let me tell you right now

that you you are my new idol and I I

am so greatly appreciative.

I mean, we wouldn't even have to meet.

You could just kind of like toss a bag

through my moon roof or I I

could kind of pretend to look for a

contact outside and. F You know,

rustle around on the ground until I found

the bag that you left for me. Just

whichever, whatever would be the best,

the best situation for you. I'd be

pleased to accommodate. You can

just come inside and ask for it. The guy.

The guy's coming right now. I'm just

going to pretend you're my boyfriend. Oh,

Steve. Yeah. You big boy. I love

being with you, Steve. All right. Thank.

Thank you. Sorry. That was. You're

welcome. Yeah. Anytime you want to come

by. OK. And maybe, I mean, we wouldn't

even have to waste plastic. I could just

maybe come in and roll around on the on

the floor in the back or something. Is

there a particular kind of very stinky

fish that would be extra kind of potent?

I wish we had some dead crabs right now

because they are the absolute worst, but

we do have some trout that's going to go

bad soon. So that would definitely, that

sounds really good to me. And you know

what?This guy probably already has crabs,

so so it's the trout will be perfect.

Sounds good. This is going to sound

crazy. Do you enjoy coffee or

walks in the park?Yeah, I do.

Would you perhaps care to

go for a coffee or a walk in the park at

some point to give you the fish or

just like as friends?It could be to give

me the fish or it could be as friends or

or you know, either or whatever you're

comfortable with. Really. Yes, that would

be great. I'm going to tell everyone that

you're you're the you're the fish gut

savior. I like that.

I like that too. I'd love to roll

around and fish with you one day. Well,

I have to get back to work soon, but I

guess I'll see you sometime this

weekend. That's when I'm working usually.

But if I'm not here, you can def.

Definitely just ask somebody else for a

bag of fish guts. I wouldn't want a bag

of fish guts from anyone but you, my fish

queen. OK, OK, Callie,

it's been a swimming good time.

It has. Goodbye.

I need to write a apology letter. I need

to send garlands of

flowers. I need to go on a date with

Callie now, guys.

This is Jasmine. Hi, Jasmine. How are you?

Good. How are you?I'm great. So here's

the thing. My guy and I, we are

interested in doing tennis lessons

together. Do you do that?Yes, absolutely.

We do have semi private lessons. OK. Do

you have, like, strong female instructors

that, like, throw really hard?Well, we we

do. We got some. We have Olivia. She is

new. She has great power, actually. And

then we have and he's been teaching for

years and he's really, really good. Is it

possible to talk to either one of them?

Like, yeah, I think Olivia's right here.

You want to talk to her?Yes, I would love

to talk to Olivia. Hello, this is Olivia.

I just wanted to know a little bit more

about the curriculum. I'm like



older. He's like 20 years older than me.

And I was just wondering, like, would you

be throwing the ba*ls at us or is it like

one of those tennis ball machines?Because

I saw that on TV once and I'm like,

that's, I think that's going to be the

thing for me. So have you

guys played tennis before?Can I just be

like, super, like, honest with you?Yeah,

of course. Like, well, how old are you?I

just turned 23. OK, I think you would

understand this. So I've been dating this

guy for like a year and a half now, and

he just started talking about having

kids. And I feel like, Oh my God, he's

too old, right?He's totally got grandpa

DI don't want to have any babies with

him, right?I understand. And so I'm

willing to pay you, Olivia,

triple the price of the

lessons. If you can help me make

sure he gets hit in the ba*ls at least

four times every lesson, OK, I can do

that. Like if we can get him just

straight in the d*ck like in out and I'll

be like, Oh my God, babe, let me suck it.

I'll make it better for you. And then I'm

gonna pay you so well, girl, I

understand. So when can we come?Can we

come tomorrow?Would you guys come in like

earlier in the day?Yes, girl. The earlier

you break that d*ck for me, that would be

great. OK?Because I am not trying to get

pregnant by grandpa. I mean, I'm just

trying to, you know, pay off all my

little student loan debts and sh*t like

that and just, you know, enjoy life

right now. I'm not trying to have babies.

I'm going to travel. So I could see. I

could do Monday. Would

two to three work?I'm not gonna lie to

you. I was, like, hoping the morning,

'cause that's when he's, like, usually

the hardest, but it's okay. When those

tennis ba*ls hit him, like, fool power,

and you sound like you're strong, bust

those ba*ls, girl. Okay, I mean, I'll

try, but I can't I can't make any

promises. Come on, just make sure that

machine is hitting towards it, or bat

that ball right to it, like, you know

what I'm saying?Yeah, I know, just

saying. So I'll give you back to Jasmine.

She'll take care of you. Thank you so

much. I'm looking forward to this.

Hello, Jasmine. Yes. She told me she's

available on 22nd. OK, perfect.

Yes, this is going to be like a. It's

going to be like a neutering. It's great.

Gotcha. Perfect. OK, what's your first

and last name?Tammy Jones. And

what is your boyfriend's first name?His

name is Jonathan Karimal.

KIMA.

Karamala. Karamala.

Perfect. Please tell Olivia to do her

push-ups.

Absolutely. Thank you so much,

Jasmine. You're welcome. See you

Monday. All right. We're busting ba*ls.

Yeah.

Oh, you have lots of beautiful things

about how much she liked to

cook and dance and soda. What

about the lovemaking?I've got it

all down in your phone number and

everything. You have lovemaking?Yes, Sir.

Wonderful. Are you

single?

This is Michelle. How can I help you?

Hello, darling. I'm calling to make a

obituary for my wife.

For your wife?Yeah.

Oh, well, what is your wife's first and

last name?My wife's name

is Helen. Her main

name was Weena, which is one of the

reasons why she married. We got married

and she didn't want to be a Weena no

more. All

right. And how do you spell her current

last name?

HIGGINS. And she was Helen

Higgins. All right. And what are you

wanting to put in the newspaper?How do

you want to word it?A couple of things

here. She was born on February 17th,





December 8th. Born in

Brooklyn, NY.

Helen died peacefully,

surrounded by family.

She loved Broadway musicals.

And she never stopped talking about them.

OK?Even when I would

say, please stop talking about them.

She was a loud woman.

Woke up at 4:00 in the morning and

she'd bang the cabinets. She'd wake me

up. I'd yell, Helen,

I'm trying to sleep here. She didn't

care. She would go about her day

making bread. And whatnot.

She loved moist towelettes.

and soda. Drank 14 cans of

soda every day.

OK. And black licorice

and word searches and

croutons and buttons

and dancing. She spent a lot of time in

the bathroom, which was the only piece I

got. You You want me to include all of

this?Oh, no, no, only the nice stuff.

All right. And, um, what else do

you want to say?And she loved her

husband, Alma. OK.

Who she called a tender and

dedicated lover.

OK. Alma gave Helen all the

pleasures a woman could dream of. OK.

She had very large bosoms.

OK. They remained active.

Sexually for many years.

And then she died.

OK, for inquiries about

lovemaking,

please contact Elma Higgins.

Can you read back what you have there

right now?Because I'm confused.

Oh, you have lots of beautiful things

about how much she. like to

cook and dance and soda and

cook and and she loves you very much.

What about the lovemaking?I've got it all

down and your phone number and

everything. You have lovemaking?

Yes, sir. Wonderful.

Are you single?

No, sir. Okay.

You have a mother?Uh Yes, sir. Also

not single. Okay, darling.

Cause I'm hoping I get some

companionship out of this here

obituary. Well, yes, Sir.

And if I can get your credit card

information, I can get that published for

you. You take diners club. No, Sir.

I have to go get my wife's purse and I'll

call you back. OK, darling. That sounds

like a plan. Thank you very much, Mr.

Elmer. You have a good day. Thanks. Don't

forget the lovemaking part. No, Sir.

You have a good day. I will. Bye. Bye.

Bye.

She was nice.

If I mess up on the canvas, I could just,

like, turn it around, 'cause they didn't

tell us I had the other stupid paint.

Yeah. But you can't really turn them

around 'cause the other side isn't, like,

paintable. Why would they make canvases

like that?I guess just so you could frame

them easier. What?

Is this a prank call?

Can I help you?Who am I speaking to?

This is Tony. Naomi, great to

meet you. So me and my Bros, we had

like, we did this thing like called the

sip and paint. I know. I I don't know if

you've ever heard of them. Oh, yeah, like

the wine. Yeah. Like, so me and like a

couple of my Bros, we went and we did

one. But like, this is like, you know, a

while ago. So now we want to do one

ourselves, right. But like, we don't

know, like, where to start. Oh, cool.

Yeah, we want to host it. Yeah. Yeah

But like. We just want to know like what

what we need to do it cause like we have

like 10 boxes of wine and other than that

we got nothing like we need like so you

need paint and paint brushes and right

now we have a deal going that if you buy.

Some paints and brushes and like a

surface, like a canvas or whatever, we

could be 20% off. The canvases are 50%

off right now. That's a good deal. I'm

gonna be honest, Megan, we drank a

lot of the wine. So is there any

like, do you also maybe like

host these things?I'm

not sure if we do right now. No, I mean

like you. I mean like you, like you, like

we could pay you like. So I don't do

anything like that. I don't know if

anybody around here would, but I'm here

by myself right now, so I don't, I can't

ask anybody. Yeah, we were just trying to

like do like a like just a close friends

get like kind of thing like, you know,

but wait, not to cut you off, bro. She

said it's 20% off on the paint, right?

And then 5050% off canvas. Does it?

If I mess up on the canvas, I could just

like, turn it around cause they didn't

tell us I had the other stupid paint.

Yeah, well, they the lady was just like,

there's no mistakes in art. And I was

like, bro, that's not a tree anymore. But

you know, that's nice to say anyway, but

you can't really turn them around cause

the other side isn't like paintable. Why

would they make canvases like that?I

guess just so you could frame them

easier. What?So that you can hang

them up. Oh, bro, bro, bro. If there's

no two side canvas, we should like make

two side canvases and like sell. We could

sell them, dude. Wow, bro, we could

go on Shark Tank. That would actually be

a really good idea. Oh, do you want in?

You heard our idea now, so now we have to

make you a co-owner. You might. Well, no,

it's OK. I won't say anything. Maybe we

could sell them for you sometime. My my

cousin, my cousins and stuff like that.

But he said, like, you need to sign up an

A&D. Like paper so that you like

that you don't take our idea. Oh yeah, I

wouldn't anyway. I'll be honest with you,

Megan. I'm. I'm ripped right now. And

like, we're just trying to get this done

for tonight. And like, I can't

even like I'm. I'mI'm

talking with my eyes closed. It's

OK. I mean, I'm so sorry about

everything that I've done to you. I'm so

sorry. I didn't mean. I didn't mean to

get. I got so drunk. Bro,

stop. Bro, stop. I'm

being so

disrespectful to. You're fine. Don't

worry about it. Man, I'm sorry. You're

fine. Don't even worry about it. Megan,

can you can you DJ the party?Mero, stop

painting the lizard. Stop painting the

lizard. What are you doing?It's my

lizard, bro. You could paint a lizard.

Megan, you're the You're the best. Megan,

you want to come to Megan, come to our

party. Come to our paint and sip. No,

I can't come tonight because I have a

family at home waiting for me. Something.

They could come. It's we got pizza.

We're. We're.

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

Megan, can we pay your family?Um,

no, but I have to go help another

customer right now. So I was just going

to say that we'll be open until 6:00

tonight. All right, Megan, we'll be there

in a bit. We're going to take a nap and

sleep some of this Moscato off. OK. 11

PM. We'll be there. 11, OK.

Sounds good. All right. I'm just-- I'm

just getting paid myself.

At four, baby.

Ever since I started cornhole my whole

life has changed. All of a sudden I wear

docker shorts and socks up to my knees.

I don't get it. Why do I wear polo shirts?

I'm a hefty boy. Explain to me why

sometimes I feel the weight of the

beanbags in my hand as I'm drifting off

to sleep.

Big J's CornholeThis is Jessica. How may

I help you?Hi, Jessica.

I came into your store because I played

cornhole over the weekend and now. Like,

I'm all involved in this cornhole life.

Yeah. And I don't understand because it

just seems so fun to me. And I just

wanted to get to know more about it and

kind of just see my options for

cornholing in the future, you knowYeah,

yeah, I get it. I get it. How can I help

you?Ever since I started cornholing, my

whole life has changed. I go to Starbucks

and they write Harry on my cappuccinos.

Yes, I look like a Harry now. All of a

sudden, I wear docker shorts and socks up

to my knees. I got Crocs for

days like a mother. I don't get

it. Why do I wear polo shirts?I'm a hefty

boy. Oh, uh-huhThe alligator looks all

stretched out on my titty tay. Yeah.

I eat corn for breakfast. I

wake up. Corn. Snack time. Corn.

Lunch time. Corn. Dinner time. Corn.

Late night snack. You guessed it. Corn.

Snickers. Do you play cornhole

Yeah. Yeah, I do. You do. Are you

good?No.

That's upsetting because it's just

throwing a bag in a hole. You know what

I'm good at?I I make cornholeI I make

good pictures that go on the cornhole

board. Could I get one?Could I get one

with Bill Fortuna, the the translator

from the Jedi Return of the Jedi scene in

Return of the Jedi?Just about

anything you want. Shut up.

When I die, I want my ashes to be put

inside of a cornhole bag.

And at my funeral, I want people to take

turns throwing my ashes

into a hole in a wood

plank. Not just a piece of wood

with a hole in it. I got a pet Groundhog

I trained to pop up out of a cornholeCan

he?Can I like?Is that like a?Is that good

cornhole etiquette?

I don't know. His name's Billy, and he's

a little groundhog, and I trained him how

to pop out of the cornhole and go . And

he makes a little sound every time. He go

And that's

how you know it's him. When you hear that

, you're like, Oh, Billy's here! I must

have got a cornhole But every once in a

while, he'll steal the bag and it. Huh

I won him in a cornhole match against--

you're not gonna believe this-- Whoopi

Mother Goldberg. You're damn right. Oh,

hold on. Billy. Billy, get down from

there. Sorry. Billy's eating my wife's

toes. What?Billy,

get down from there. My wife's on the

ceiling and Billy's eating her toes.

Billy. Nope.

No, she hung up.