06x13 - Desus & Mero, Jimmy Kimmel & Natasha Leggero

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the cell

When the world's gone to hell But you're

gonna feel swell When they

pick up From New York to

Alabama

Someone throw our a*s in the slam Because

we're disturbing others Maybe even your

mother Won't you try to crank Yankers

tonight Crank Yankers!

It is what it is.

Hello, . This is . How can I help?

I'm calling about the truck driving job.

Okay. What's your name?Uh, Brydog.

Brian. Brydog.

Yes, nice to meet you, bud. So where are

you?It said no caller ID. Where are you

calling from?I'm out of Memphis. I'm a

couple things you know about me.

Extremely hard worker. I'm in a truck, so

it shouldn't be a big issue because I'm

mostly going to be by myself, but just

some of the guys might bust my ba*ls over

it. I kind of have a medical thing.

OK, I'll tell you right up front,

medical wise, as long as you. Check

in.

Check. OK, cool. Yeah,

hard worker. Now I will huge

loads of great references and you know,

awesome. I had a buddy that drove. He

lived in Alabama and he could only see

out of one eye. And for a while he was

able to drive everywhere. But then they

said, OK, no, they changed the law and he

couldn't leave. They don't even know yet

about it. It's no, it's more, you know.

I was using a flatbed when I lifted up

and I lost an important appendage. And

so it's more of a personal

thing. I've been trying to keep it on the

down low, but I but I just if I'm working

around people, they're going to see it.

My p*nis was removed and and I'm

regrowing it on my arm and

you know, I wear a long sleeve shirt. So

you just see the tip and it's growing

back and it's all good. And I'm, I'm

super, you know, I just can't wait to get

it back where it's supposed to be on top

of my ba*ls, you know?Yeah, I understand.

I'm sorry you had to go through that man

stuff. Yeah, yeah, I I

wasn't the most popular guy at work cause

the guys would start laughing. They'd

call me d*ck wrist and and then they'd

go, you know, I don't have time to hang

was a was a big one. Damn dude, that's

tough. This one dude was a real smart a*s

He asked me what time it was and I and

before I could even answer, he'd go d*ck

o'clock, which I guess is funny, but the

way it hangs, it's more like d*ck 30.

OK. I mean that, like I said,

unfortunately, I'm sorry you had to go

through that. But plus you be an owner

operator, you don't have to deal with

anybody. As long as you guys are cool.

Yeah, I'm. I'm so into it. I'm just not

cool with high fives. Well, high fives

are good, but no handshakes because yeah,

I get you. You know, it gets weird. No

problem, man. The other choice was they

were going to draw it or draw it out of

my neck. I was going to do a cardioid

artery, you know, and have the d*ck hang

out of my neck. But I don't like wearing

scarves. Yeah,

I call it my funny bonerI think it's

cool. I'm actually getting used to it.

ba*ls to the wall on the road is my

motto. Yeah, got a lot of them, man.

Yeah, I have several mottoes. Two hands

on the wheel and a DickMan. Well, you got

a good attitude about it, bud. So you got

that going for you. So do you. You have a

fantastic attitude. I am.

I would try to eat in the break room at

my old job, but they'd always tell me to

pass the balsamic vinaigrette. And then I

would cry alone at my desk. I thought you

drove. Why do you have a desk?Oh,

I don't know. All right, well, if

you like, I can send you an app. Yeah.

Thanks for your time.

He was so good, but but I didn't know

where to go. Like, he was like, yes,

anding me and I I got

all the jokes out. I'm just so nervous.

I hate messing with

people. This is Legal Notary Services.

How can I help you?Hi there. I'm trying

to. I just wonder if I can get a notary

to come out to my house and

notarize something for me. OK,

certainly we can do that. OK.

Where are you located?I'm in

Bend. Is that too far?You said

Ben's. Yeah, in Oregon. You guys are in

Oregon, right?We are in Oregon, but

we're in. Our office is located in

Hillsboro. I'm in Hillsboro too. I I

can go to Hillsboro. Here's my question.

Do you guys notarize like apology

letters?Like if I need it, like legally

binding, that's the point of a notary,

right?Yeah. So the

duty of a notary is acknowledging the

signature of the person sending the

documents. So whatever's on the letter,

it's out of our pants. OK, so I was going

to get my boyfriend. He's a real dumb sh*t

And I want him to write me an apology.

You're a woman, you understand. And I

want him to write me an apology because

he's always apologized. He's not holding

up. And I was like, well, let's get it

legally bound. Let's get it notarized. I

so I can put whatever I want in there and

you guys will just sign off on it. So

who's going to sign it?Both of you or

just you or just him?I want everyone

signing it. I want everyone to bear

witness to the fact that he's apologizing

and and it's go time for the relationship

and that'll hold up according to notary

law. Yeah. So ever whoever's going to

need to sign that letter needs to be

present. Let me ask you a question cause

cause some people say I'm being too hard.

He hums that song Breakfast at Tiffany's

when he eats and it's really annoying and

I don't want to hear that. It makes me

nauseous. So I'm going to put that in the

criteria. That he can't do that no more.

Yeah. I mean, we can't give you any

advice on what to put on the letter. But

you could. What's your name?No, I can't

give you any legal advice. I'm not an

attorney. My name is Cecilia.

Cecilia. Can I call you Cece?

Sure. Should I bring my own paper?

Yes, sure. I bring my own paper. And then

you guys just. So what am I paying for?

Just the stamp?Do I bring my own ink?Just

your document that you want signed

and the boyfriend and notarized. Let's

not forget that idiot. Here's a question,

OK?My birthday's coming up because he's

real committed to me, even though he's

stupid. Could we get a notary tattooed on

his assLike, I'm sorry.

Stamp it. CC stamp of approval. It's on

him permanently and he's not messing up

no more. Where?

Where do you want this?Make and the note

right on his assSo every time.

Every time he gets out of the shower, he

can reflect on past mistakes. Yeah,

it's a better idea just to get everything

on paper. No tattoos. You don't do. Even

if I brought in everything. No tattoo.

Yeah, we're not tattoo artists.

What if I just made a list of all the

dumb sh*t he's done and I don't bring him

and I have you notarize it just so it we

have a legal record of the stupidity.

We can notarize whatever form you would

like to notarize. Like I say, we don't

really go through the document as long as

there's no blank spaces. OK, last

question, because I don't know if I can

get over there today. Do you think you

could do me a favor and just maybe send

him a text that says, hey, it's me, Cece,

I'm a public notary and this is your

warning not to be a piece of shitAnd this

text is binding and my boyfriend's name

is Stewart and he's a idiot.

Well, give me a. Call when you guys are

ready. We'll make sure to have a notary

available for you. All right. Thank you

so much, CC. I'll CC you later. Have a

great day. I hate

messing with people. I don't know why I

signed up for this. You was

so nice. You didn't miss a beat.

She's like, again, just bring your own

paper. You cannot work under one name.

You have to work under yourself. It's



the bottom 50, that's 100%. That's a

whole person. Yeah, see, that, that

doesn't work at all. Yeah, bro.

You need jobs. Two for the price of one.

Y'all hiring?I

love this, Dan. Hey, Dan, how you doing?

Good, goodGreat. I'm calling in

regards to the help on it

for a cashier position. Yes,

Sir. All right. I'm sorry. What's

your name?My name is John McKenzie.

My name is Mike. I'm his brother here. My

brother Mike is on here as well. Yeah.

OK. We're trying to apply for the

position together as a unit.

We'll divide the hours. We'll we'll

divide. We'll split the pay. It's 2 for

one. It's a good deal. Now,

guys, tell me what's going on here. Why

are y'all applying together?It sounds

weird, but you know, we work good

together. He's my older brother. He's

like the head. I'm the heart. Wherever he

goes is where I go. So, you know, if he

shows up at work, I'm there too. You

know, you get it's two for the price of

one, but you get one solid employee.

Yeah, and he can read. Well,

y'all wouldn't most likely be working

together. Oh, man.

No, but that's that's kind of what we

wanted to do. Yeah, cause then, I mean,

you could go on a smoking break and I'll

stay on the register. I mean, it's two

for one. And then it make it more

convenient. I am so not

concerned about y'all smoking break.

That's the last thing I'm concerned

about. Just so we could share a uniform

and a name tag or whatever. We listen. We

just want to work, brother. Yeah, it it

can be just one guy. We we're actually,

we're fraternal twins, so we kind of look

the same. We can. We can share a tag in

the name which one was which. Hell, our

girlfriends can't tell us apart. Yeah, I

know. But it sounds like y'all can't do,

y'all can't do one without the other. So.

I mean, you know what it is?We're really

close. We spent so much time together

that now it's just like we he's my

right-hand man. You know, like he

finishes my sentences. It's incredible.

The arrangement is you cannot work under

one name. You have to work under

yourself. Right. So,

so the work would be under the work would

be under my name. I would just work

the time with my with my brother.

No, no, no, noThat doesn't work at

all. It's 5050. Now, if you do the top 50

and I do the bottom 50, that's 100%.

That's a whole person. I would not work

y'all together. No, no, no, not at all.

No, we wouldn't be on the floor. No, we

wouldn't have to work us together. We

work together voluntarily. You wouldn't

have to worry about that. Like if you

just have him on the schedule, then I'm

on the schedule. You guys are a

mess. You would work different

schedules like one of y'all might work.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. The other one

might work, you know, Friday, Saturday,

Sunday. But see, you're trying to cut

down your paperwork 'cause if you have

both of us working at the same time,

that's half the productivity and twice

the problems with one employee. But then

you get two of us. But that's it. But you

guys, that's ill*gal. That's not. I can't

do that as an employer. What if you hire

one of us and we and we can we park

in the parking lot and then oh,

swap out, switch out. Does that make

sense?What y'all are asking is things

that you that employers can't do. Dan,

are you prepared for us to make your

dreams come true?If your dream is to have

two guys working one job, that's what we

can do. We gonna change. We gonna change

the way you do business after this.

You're only gonna hire brother teams from

now on. I'll tell you what. No, thank you

guys. I appreciate y'all calling, but it

just doesn't work for me. We'll work for

free for a week just to prove. Guys, no.

Guys, there's lots of places that would

hire both of y'all. We'll work for two

weeks for free. Matter of fact, we'll pay

you to let us work. No.

I got to let you go. I got to get a call.

Dan, we're in a parking lot right now.

Hello?Please?Can Can I go inside and pee?

No.

So you're calling us to report that there

was a lady driving one of our cars.

That's right. There was no incident.

I didn't say there was no incident. I

said that this was the incident.

Thank you for calling. Hello. Who's

this?This is driver

education. OK, beautiful. I'm

calling to report a

driver. OK, what driver?

A female driver on the road.

OK. Um, right now?It just

happened a few minutes ago. OK.

Um, and then what happened?She was

behind the wheel of the car. But what

happened?Was there an incident?Yeah,

there was an incident. There was a lady

driving one of the cars. Yes.

I know she was driving the car, but what

happened?That's what happened. And I'm

calling to report it. You're calling to

report that there was a lady driving the

car. That's right, darling, because I

never seen such a thing. And in my day,

that was not acceptable. So

you're calling us to report that there

was a lady driving one of our cars.

That's right. There was no incident.

You just wanted to report it. I didn't

say there was no incident. I said there

was the incident. And that this lady was

driving and I became

alarmed. And so I wrote down the

information here and I'm reporting it

to you. OK, well, I mean,

you do know that females are allowed to

drive cars now, right?

What?What are you talking about?It's



time it is, my wife.

We married for 45 years. She never drove

the car. I always drove her around.

And it's disrespectful for a man to

make a woman drive the car. The female

body wasn't built for that. So the

female body was. Where could they be

driving to anyway?So you're calling

to report that it's disrespectful for a

woman to drive a car?I'm not saying that.

I'm saying it's disrespectful to the

woman to make her drive the car. And

then also that they're not good at it.

Oh. You don't drive,

right?I mean, yes, I I drive.

I drive myself to work. I drive myself to

the store. Oh, you're kidding me.

Yeah. OK, well, I will pass this along.

You have a man in there guiding you,

right, when you're driving to these

places. Yes, but

it is 2021 and and women are allowed to

drive. I'm just saying that I don't think

this is right. And I, you know, I don't

know why to call the police, but I might

have to. So there's no incident. You're

just calling to report that a woman was

driving one of our cars. Oh, there's an

incident. Well, I

will go ahead and tell the owner about

your complaint. The owner's a man, right?

The owner is a man, yes. I figured that,

right?Let me talk to him. He's not

actually here, cause I'm the office

manager and I kind of run the office when

he's back here. You run the office?

Yes. Oh, well, God

bless you. But I don't know what kind of

an office that must be. I'm gonna have to

let you go. OK. OK, darling.

Let's just agree that you made a mistake

and hope that this never happens again.

OK. OKIf you want, I'll come

pick you up and drive you home. Thank

you. You're welcome. Do

you know what the tradition is for these

reveal parties?Like the balloons come out

of my vag*na or what?What do they?What do

they do exactly?Generally come out of a

box. But I don't think I can get more

than 10 balloons in my vag*na or my box,

as you call it. And this

is basically a party store, we'recalling.

How

can I help you?Hey, I'm planning a

party for my new baby. It's a race

reveal party, and I just need some

different balloons that represent all the

different races he could be or she.

OK, what colors are you looking for?

Well, I need colors that would match a

dude who was Native American, white.

Asian, and then two mixed race. I

have white, I have black. And basically,

I'm trying to do one balloon for each guy

I slept with. Okay. What

color do you think, like, what's, like, a

Spanish color?I have no

idea. I mean, it could be colors of the

Mexican flag. You could do... Oh! That's

so creative. I love that. Or Or

maybe you could write the races

on a balloon with a

Sharpie. Yeah. Or do you have something

that could print?Yeah. I mean, you could

just do all white balloons and just write

on them with Sharpies. Yeah. I think that

this could work. I mean, wait, let me.

I'm trying to. I'm trying to remember

everybody. I did date an Italian guy.

Maybe we could do like a spray tan on a

white balloon. Do a what?

Spray tan. And then do do you know what

the tradition is for these reveal parties?

Like the balloons come out of my vag*na

or what?What do they, what do they do

exactly?Generally come out of a

box. But I don't think I can get more

than 10 balloons in my vag*na or my box,

as you call it. Oh,

I just remembered there was a cruise

magician too. What?What color would

you say would represent international

waters?Blue. Well, I want the balloons to

be non-gendered. Yeah, they're not.

They're just balloons. I just want to

make sure it feels very PC. But I

still want you to be able to write with

the Sharpie, the race of all the

different people. Oh, yeah, you can write

on any balloon with a Sharpie. It's not a

problem. Oh, I almost forgot. 3

Armenian balloons. OK, what color do you

want for that?OK, well, they can be

white, but just like, we could just,

like, maybe draw some hair on it or

something. I mean, that'll be stuff

you're doing. We're not drawing on

balloons and all that. Have you done any

race reveals?Never even heard of it. What

do you think?Go for it. Do you?Hey, I

like that. That's like, you know, I

really, as a woman, I really sometimes do

feel like I need a pep talk, even if it's

from a guy, you knowFair enough.

So I got 4 black, 2 white, 1

blue, 3 red. Did you want three

more white or do you just want to use

some of the just two whites?I think

white. And then I'll put 3 red, 3 white,



I'll put a fur trim on the bottom for the

Armenians. OK. And.

Are you at all interested in having sex

with a pregnant woman?

I don't think my wife would approve. I

just. I just feel like I want someone

else there who isn't connected to

everybody in case all these dads take it

badly. I will be working. So I got



white, 3 green. Now, do you think that

all these are going to fit in my vag*na?I

highly doubt it. It is pretty big.

But what I love about it is it always

kind of like stretches back to tiny,

which is probably why I get so much

action, you knowOh, I got to go. I got

people coming in.