06x15 - Jimmy Kimmel, Tiffany Haddish & Ron Funches

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

cell When the world's gone to hell But

you're gonna feel swell When they

pick up From New York to

Alabama

We're disturbing others,

maybe even your mother Won't you join the

Crank Yankers tonight Crank

Yankers!

Good afternoon, Bakery. Hi. Hi

So I was wondering, you guys have

gingerbread cookies, correct?We sure do,

yes, ma'am. Do you have

gingerbread man cookies and gingerbread

girl cookies?No, just gingerbread. Well,

we we're gingerbread and they've got the

raisins for the buttons and the eyes.

Yeah, they're just and they're made out

of gingerbread. Can you make girl

gingerbread cookies?Not at this time.

We're just making those for right now. We

just like that we just cause I'm having a

get together and I'm, you know, I

have some friends and and what I was

trying to do was make cookies that

represent us. Women's, you know,

because we're pretty curvy and I saw that

you guys are a bakery and y'all got

pretty, they're pretty skinny looking

cookies and they look non binary.

Are those nine non binary cookies?Yeah,

now they're like, so they've got. So I

don't think you could different, you

know, differentiate because they've got

the, the raisins in them, you know, the

raisins for the butt right. They all kind

of look like skinny, skinny b*tches to

me. They do. I'm seeing on them online

and they look kind of skinny. The cookies

look kind of and me and my friends with

thick. You mean skinny as in thin and

like the thin, thin. I'm saying the

shape, the shape of the cookie, you know,

like can we get, oh, so I was wondering

if I could get like a special order of

the cookie. That's more, you know,

curvaceous. No, like I said, that's the

only way. That's the only way we make

them cause we have a cookie cutter. OK,

but could could we like just add a little

something extra to give them more curves,

more hip?Yeah, that's no, like I said,

that's my cookie cutter. That's the only

one I have. And most bakers would

consider themselves. Do you consider

yourself an artist?We have a decorator

that she's wonderful. She can, like I

said, she can draw and do all that. But

is she there?Cause maybe we can talk

about adding some curves to this, to this

gingerbread cookie. Yeah. No, it's like I

said, it's not not that. It's the cookie

cutter. It's got nothing to do with that.

Oh, so you're not, you're not into like

making things that that represents your

community. Yeah, right. Well, it's just

like, so we just, I mean, it's just a

cookie cutter. I mean, if I had a

different kind of cookie cutter, maybe I

could go from there. But now this is like

society. This is like systemic racism

just in your bakery. Oh, no, not at all.

It's like the cookie cutter. It's the one

cookie cutter. You think that's good

enough for all the people that live in

this community?Yeah, we've had that

cookie cutter for 48 years. Yeah, well,

we've had systemic racism for over 200.

I'm just saying it's time for change.

Well, I just say maybe next time I'm out

and about, I need to look and see what's

out there. You know, it's like the smiley

faces. They're round. We've we've made

those for 48 years. You know, it's

nothing racism or personal. But everybody

not smiling. Where's the sad face?Where's

the indifferent face?Well, we made sad

faces one time. We got all kinds of

Flack. We don't do that anymore. No more

sad faces. Yeah. YeahNo, we got in big

trouble. We we won't do that again. Well,

there's a lot of curvy women out here.

Oh, I know you're right. A lot.

Especially after this pandemic, a lot of

us have put on. We are fluffy and we

would love to have a cookie that

represents us. If you can find me a

cookie cutter like that, please bring it

in and I'll look at it. You bet. If I

bring you a curvy cookie cutter, you will

make me some curvy gingerbread cookies.

If you'll find me a curvy cookie cutter,

bring it in and we'll go from there. You

bet. OK. Cause I'm gonna put some. I want

booties on them. You know what I'm saying?

Look some hips. Some ginger booty

cookies. And like after we have this, you

know, curfy girl party, we're going to

have a naughty girl party and

we looking to get some Dicks some cookie

Dicks like gingerbread Dicks and things

like that. Cause we're going to be

selling dildos and whatnot, vibrators,

lingerie, things like that. So the

snacks, I want all the sweets to be

shaped like, you know, men's body parts

and penises. Yeah, we can like, we can

make a cake. She can make a cake in over

that. We call it a bikini cake, but

without the bikini and we, you know, we

can, we can, we can put a p*nis on it.

Yeah. Now, do you make gingerbread

cakes?No, we just make gingerbread

cookies. Do you do red velvet?Because

then if we did a red, we don't do red

velvet cake. No, I got to go.

I got to go back to work. But let me know

if you find that cookie cutter. OK. Thank

you, Nathan. All right. Bye. Bye.

Hi, I'm calling about my

client and I wanted to set something

up where she could come in and do a

little bit of shopping. Oh,

I like how that sounds. Yes.

OK. So what's her name?Her

name is Ivanka. OK.

And she's been through a lot this year,

as I'm sure you know.

She wants to shop it out. You know, she

just wants to shop through it. So I'm

going to be on the phone with my manager,

Richie, and then you can go over a few

things. Oh, great. Richie. Yes, Richie.

OK, wonderful. Hello. Hi,

Richie. We're just working through some

details and thought it wise to

get you on the line. OK. What is this

regarding?My client,

Ivanka Trump, wants to come in and do

some shopping and I just wanted to go

through some things and. Make sure

everything is hunky Dory. OK, So

what does that entail?Well, I'm first

of all, I just want to make sure that

this is a private conversation and it

will be kept discreet.

OK. So she just wants to do some shopping

and she's kind of American royalty. So

we just want to make sure she's treated

as such. Yeah. So just let me know a

date and I'll make sure whoever's

here is aware of that. Yes. Now

if you could you and your

staff, whomever is there, it would be so

great if you could just pretend her

father won the election. And

maybe even if if you make mention of it,

like, hey, Congrats to your dad on

winning so easily. I'm sorry.

Jared will be with her as well, her

husband. So if there's a quiet corner

with soft items where he can sit

because he sometimes gets overwhelmed.

If you could just set it up like a little

nest for him, you're saying

that pretend that her father won the

election.

I know, I get it. I understand that this

is funny, but it's not funny to her.

It's, you know, it's her family, her

life. I can't pretend that her father

won the election and we have couches in

this yard. I would like to come in. Can

we avoid?I also have a call now, so I

can't. I can. You know, she's free to

come in whenever. Yes, but

I have another call to jump on now. So

wait a minute. I'm calling you about the

first daughter of the United States who

prefers to be called First Lady, by the

way. So just say that when she comes in

and you're saying. He's never

going to be able to shop again. This is

fantastic.

Now it is an indoor pool. It's

technically, some people would say it's

more of a tub, but you know, there's a

there's a rubber ducky, there is room for

floaties. And I think there's room for

you. Float above that bullshit together.

Perfect. We'll see you then.

Thank you for calling. This is Betty.

Hey, Betty, this is Ron. How are you

doing today?Good. How are you?Oh,

I'm good. You know how?I'm

OK, Betty. I'm doing OK. You

know how this the the year's been what it

is. And I'm trying to set up my new year

and buy some new pool items, some new

inflatable items, and forget all about

this bullshit going on in the world. You

know what I'm doing. So I was just

calling to see what type of new

floaters, new new inflatables you got,

cause I'm trying to float above that

bullshitI have the I do

have limited stock. My valley does have a

lot more. However, I do

have like a Stingray, a

light up swan, things like that. Do you

have one that look like little people

where you could be like a like like a

pretend one's like my boss and I'm like

I'm floating above my boss's bullshit

you know, gotcha, not

people. I think animals are going to do

what we carry. And then we have pool

toys. We have inflatable beer pong

tables. We also have like a

golfing. Nah, see, golf makes me that

stress me. Now my golf game is bullshit

so that would stress me out. Yeah, you

stand on the outside of the pool and you

have it floating in the water. Oh, and

then everything like just floats away.

And then we have a foldable cooler as

well. If you didn't want a floaty or

anything. No, I love that foldable cooler

out there. I could just stay there all

day. To me, 2020

feels like a whole limp deck pool noodle.

And I'm trying to get everything out of

here, flush this water down and start

anew. Agree.

I thought you would. I knew you would. I

could tell from the tone in your voice

that you don't deal with this bullshitNow

my boss giving me these bullshit tests

right now trying to get me to go to work.

And I'm like, you know, I'm looking for

pool floaties right now.

Oh, I'm just so happy I got. Not this

pool, but I want it to be bigger.

Sometimes I feel like 6 feet just ain't

deep enough for all this bullshit we

going through in the world today.

Well, I'm going to definitely buy a

floatie from you guys, even if you don't

have it. I mean, we can work on the

variety later and then I'll buy the

floatie and you guys, you guys

deliver it right?And then I can,

you can come over and swim with me.

Yeah, we don't necessarily deliver it

unless there's like a $250 like

order. Oh, that's not a

thing. If that's what it costs to get you

come over and swim with me, I'll spend

the 250. I ain't

worried about that bullshitBe fun.

Perfect. And then we can get get that

cooler filled up, laid back and just both

talk about that bullshit and float, float

away, float away from our bosses, our

loved ones, our ex-wives and husbands.

Perfect. We'll see you then. Absolutely,

absolutely. Now it is an indoor

pool. It's it's technically, some people

would say it's more of a tub, but you

know, there's a there's a rubber ducky.

There is room for floaty and I think

there's room for you. Float above that

bullshit together. Perfect.

All right, new best friend. We going to

have that tough time. I can't wait.

Perfect. OK, you said perfect. But

you said in a way that was like you were

not really thinking about it. But you'll

see. Awesome. See you later. It's going

to be fun. You don't think you're going

to want to, but you are. Bye. Bye. I got

to go watch my little ducky. Oh, that's

what I call my p*nis.

We're going to have a new friend come

over.

Thin mints?Ma'am, I got thighs,

OK?I'm sorry?I have thighs,

real thick, sexy thighs. And I didn't

appreciate the thin mint. Ohh

Are people laughing at me in the

background?No, ma'am, because you're the

only one I'm talking to.

Yep, let's do it.

market, it's Linda speaking. Hi,

my name is Sasha. Yes. How can we help

you?I was honestly calling to make a

complaint. Is that are you the person

that I can make the complaint to?So the

the DM is gone through the day, but I'm

assistant manager. Fantastic. What's your

name?I'm Linda. Hi, Miss Linda.

Hi. Basically you have

people outside of your grocery store. It

was this group of little girls. They're

all outside of your store and they got

these box of cookies. And they dressed in

uniforms like they're in some type of

cult. OK, well, we haven't had the

Girl Scouts selling cookies since last

year. I mean, are you guys out there

monitoring the situation?Because this is

the reason why sometimes I feel

uncomfortable coming into your grocery

store. The only time that we have

anything outside is for is for a

church, like a bake sale. They say the

money goes where they could do fun

activities. Kids don't need to be doing

fun activities.

Looked like they were doing construction.

Oh, you're going to like this, ma'am. Oh,

you're going to like this. Let me. Can I

take your phone number and then I can

give it?Because I'm. I'm not sure if the

the ladies, the name of them ladies is

out there. Oh, my ma'am. They called me

thin mint. And I didn't appreciate that.

Look, I can handle those bitchesOK. Like

it was an insult. Thin mint. Ma'am,

I got thighs. OK. I'm sorry.

I have thighs, real thick, sexy thighs.

And I didn't appreciate the thin mint.

Oh, are people laughing at me in the

background?No, ma'am. You're the only one

I'm talking to. I'm telling you right

now, they were like, hey, Samoa, I'm not

even from Samoa. You know what?Do you

know how that sounds, how r*cist and

hurtful that could be to a person like me?

I do apologize. And I'm so sorry that

that's, you know, has

happened with you, but I was unaware of

it. Honestly, I think they work for some

old lady that take all they money, like

some type of pimp. So maybe those kids

are in trouble. How about we fix that?I

know usually there's an there's an adult

with them there too. And the one young

lady that sells the cookies with her

children. I mean, she's just as young

looking as the kids are. She a

cookie pimp. That's the one. That's the

lady. I'm telling you, that's the one you

got to go after. I bought some, by the

way. I'm just letting you know that I

bought some. Uh-huhMatter of fact, I'm

about to try one right now. Oh, sh*t

This is Miss Linda. This is

good. I ain't gonna lie. It's like crack.

It tastes like good crack. Oh, really?The

lady. The lady with the two kids. You got

her number?Because I I I need these

little crack pillows. I need some more of

these. I don't. I don't know who she is.

She the cookie pimp out there wrecking

the neighborhood, Miss Linda.

So you know who I'm talking about. I'm

not. I'm not sure. Miss Linda, I think

it's you. I know you know what's going

on. It's your store. I knew it.

I knew you was the cookie pimp, Miss

Linda. Right now we're really busy, so I

need to get off the phone in order to be

able to take care of the customer. I will

be in your store in about



Thank you. I'm gonna eat those cookies,

though. Like 500 boxes, 10

mints. We don't have this in. Meet me in

the back alley, Miss Linda. All right.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Why do they stay on the phone?

I would have been like, girl, bye. I just

don't have the patience.

Let me get a designer. The blinds should

just be nipple high, because they're

going to have to chill out if they want

to see any of this belly button, you know

what I'm saying?Want to maintain a little

mystery?OK, let me get a designer for

you. Just a moment.

Good afternoon. This is Mary.

Hi, Mary. I'm so glad you're there. I

I I want to get set up with some

Venetian blinds as soon as possible. I

know you'd probably come out and measure

it first, but it's a big job. I have like





bigger. The thing is, I

I just need to figure something else

cause I I feel like all my neighbors are

snooping on me all the time and I just

want to, you know, have some privacy. OK,

well you say when you want to get this

taken care of really quickly. Here's the

thing. The whole reason I'm getting them

is I've gotten some complaints cause I'm,

I'm, I'm new to a lot. I've been,

but I want to be respectful to my

neighbors. I don't do anything ill*gal

and I'm just a good single dude,

just doing my business and got

the 9 windows there. So there's a lot, a

lot of angles to see me from. So I got to

cover that up, but not too much. You

know, I'd like to have some silhouettes.

I don't want anybody to see pubes or

nothing. How quickly are you hoping to

have the blinds installed?Well,

I should have done this earlier because

I'm it's a full moon tonight and I'm

having friends over, so you

know. I want to be showered with light.

Sun bounces off my naked body, but I

don't want Frank, my neighbor, to to

gawk. You know what I mean?Like, take a

picture. It lasts longer. Let me get a

designer for you. The blinds should just

be nipple high because they're going to

have to chill out if they want to see any

of this belly button. You know what I'm

saying?Want to maintain a little mystery.

OK, let me get a designer for you. Just a

moment.

Hey, I'm calling about getting some

Venetian blinds installed,

but I need to do something because I feel

like I'm putting on a free show here. My

neighbors can see in and I feel like

they're gawking at me 24/7. You know what

I'm saying?Sure. What's your name, Sir?

Brian. They call me Bri Dog. I want to

maintain a little mystery, you know what

I mean?Like people, people look in at me

and. I I've been nude since

COVID because I don't. My pants don'tfit.

No, we can. We can definitely help your

neighbors. And then we

got to get rid of Frank. Frank. Frank's

looking. Hey, quit looking at me, Frank.

I I I'm a person. I

have feelings. It's not a

free show, Frank. There you go. There

you go. Seems to stare at me the most

when I'm eating. He's so weird. I gotcha.

Curtains wouldn't work. I I I want the

blinds cause I I like to give him a

little taste but also maintain a little

bit of mystery. Otherwise come to why

come to the party?You know what I'm

saying?And

in silhouette I look exactly like an

adolescent puffin, only with the

ding-a-ling. I don't think puffins have

ding-a-lings. I'm gonna look that up

after I get off the phone with you. If I

if I buy blinds from you, my neighbors

still complain. How's the refund?Can I

get a refund or?Yeah, right.

OK. No. All right. I'm going to have

call you. It's going to be great. All

right. Hey, thank. I'm going into

appointments. I don't have a computer.

Can you look it up?Do puffins have a

p*nis?Hello.

What about if we installed a coin box

outside my window for anybody who does

want to watch?All right, man, I will get,

we'll give you a call.

He was awesome.