01x04 - Lucy and Miss Shelley Winters

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon.

[recording] Trusting to hear
from you in the near future,

I remain sincerely
Harrison Carter.

And after you've typed
all the letters I've dictated,

I want you to do the filing,
the posting and the billing.

I don't want you to
waste one single minute.

"I don't want you to
waste one single minute."

Hey, boy.

Carter's Unique
Employment Agency.

No, sir, Mr. Carter's not here.

Oh, yes, Mr. Wellborn.

Yes, sir. I'll tell him you'll
be here at three o'clock.

Goodbye, sir.

Four score and seven years ago.

[recording] Four score
and seven years ago.

[singing] Someday
you'll come along,

the man I love, and
he'll be big and strong,

the man I love.

Thank you, Tiny Tim.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I've never
recorded my voice before.

I just wanted to try it.

Look, this is a business
office, not Tin Pan Alley.

Yes, sir.

And that is not a toy.

No, sir.

Were there any calls for me?

Yes, sir, a Mr. Clarence
Wellborn of Majestic Studios called

and said he'd be
here at three o'clock.

Oh, good, good. Fine.

Oh, would you go and
get me a sandwich, please?

Yes, sir. What kind?

Oh, doesn't matter.
Anything at all.

I'm not particular.

Oh, make that a corned
beef and Swiss cheese on rye.

Yes, sir.

Oh, and will you have the bread
toasted and the crust trimmed, please?

Oh, and be sure that the
Swiss cheese is imported

and doesn't have too many holes.

Oh, and above all, will you see to it
that they make the corned beef lean.

You want it to lean to
the left or to the right?

[singing] Mammy's little baby
loves shortenin', shortenin',

Mammy's little baby
loves shortenin' bread.

Oh, Mammy's little baby
loves shortenin', shortenin',

Mammy's little baby
loves shortenin' bread.

[recording] Mammy's little
baby loves shortenin', shortenin',

Mammy's little baby
loves shortenin' bread.

Oh, Mammy's little baby
loves shortenin', shortenin',

Mammy's little baby
loves shortenin' bread.

Oh, Wayne Newton,
eat your heart out.

Tell me, what time do you have?

My watch says five
minutes past 3:00.

Yes, yes. So does mine.

Are you sure Mr. Wellborn
said he'd be here at 3:00?

- Yes, sir.
- Oh.

And you know something? I'm
looking forward to meeting him.

I've never met a
movie producer before.

Oh, and what do you think would
happen if you met a movie producer?

Well, he might discover me.

After all, lots of people have
been discovered in drug stores and

drive-ins and elevators.

If you butt into our conversation he will
discover you in the unemployment line.

Oh.

Now, this is a business meeting.

Yes, sir.

Hello, Harry.

Oh, finally got here.

Well, hello, CB.
Nice to see you.

Sorry I'm late.

That's quite all right.

Here, sit down, sit down, CB.

Make yourself comfortable.

Oh, Lucille?

- Yes, sir.
- Would you bring Mr. Wellborn
an ashtray, please?

Oh, yes, sir.

Yeah.

Here you are, Mr. Wellborn.

Thank you.

- Well, now.
- You're quite welcome, sir.

You know, you are much younger than I
thought you'd be and much more handsome.

Thank you.

If there's anything
else you want, sir,

don't hesitate to ask.

That will be all, Theda Berra.

Now, CB, what can I do for you?

Well, Harry, I have a
most unusual problem.

Well, you've come
to the right place.

In two weeks I start
production on a new film,

and it's a $6 million budget.

And for the lead I've signed
Miss Shelley Summers.

Oh, she's a big star.

And getting bigger.
That's the problem.

I don't understand.

Shelley Summers is
a compulsive eater.

The closer we get to her starting
date the more nervous she becomes.

And the more nervous she
becomes the more she eats.

Oh, I know exactly how
she feels, Mr. Wellborn.

Whenever I'm
nervous I bite my nails.

- Oh, please. We're in the middle
of - - I just bite, bite, bite, bite.

Will you tend to
your work, please?

- Yes, sir.
- I dictated some additional letters
on that machine.

Type them up.

Yes, sir.

Now, I understand
your problem, CB...

Will you shut that thing off?

Well, you told me
to type them up, sir.

Use the earphones so
we can have some privacy,

- for heaven's sakes.
- Yes, sir.

Now, as I was saying, I
understand the problem,

but how can I be of any help?

Yipe!

What now?

Oh, some idiot is
singing "Shortenin' Bread."

Would you do me a favor?

Would you run down to the newsstand on
the corner and get me the Sunday paper?

Yes, sir.

The Sunday paper?

This is only Wednesday.

Wait for it.

Oh.

Now, as I understand it, CB,
you have signed Shelley Summers

for your new picture, and
since she is a compulsive eater

she's beginning to carry
around some excess baggage.

Carry it?

She's starting to drag it.

Well, have you tried
putting her on a diet?

Yes, we had her
go on an 18-day diet.

Oh, how did that work?

She finished it in two days.

Oh.

Harry, I've got a $6 million picture
and a star who is overweight.

Now, if I can't get started
on time I lose my shirt.

Yes, but how can
I be of any help?

Harry, Miss Summers
needs a temporary secretary,

someone to help with the
fan mail and correspondence.

Yeah?

I'd like you to get an attractive
secretary with a wonderful figure.

Now, psychologically,
having a girl like that around

might help Miss Summers
cut down on the calories.

And if she doesn't diet then this
secretary must force her to abstain.

Ah, now I see.

What you need is a
weight-watching watchdog.

Exactly.

Now, if you can find me a
secretary with a slender figure -

in fact, someone just
like your secretary.

My secretary?

Yes. She has all
the qualifications.

Do you think she could take
Miss Summer's mind off eating?

She could take anyone's
mind off anything.

Do you think you can get along
without her for a couple of weeks?

I'll force myself.

Thank you, Harry.

I can depend on you.

You bet. You bet you can, CB.

Don't you worry about a thing.

I can't tell you how
much I appreciate it.

That's all right. We'll
take care of everything.

Coming, coming.

Good morning, Miss Summers.
I'm your new secretary, Lucy Carter.

Well, hiya, Lucy.
Pleased to meet ya.

Oh, I'm so sorry, dear.

Come on in. I'll
get you a napkin.

Oh, this is such a beautiful
apartment, Miss Summers.

I'm sorry. I didn't see you.

You didn't see me?

Baby, on a clear day you
can see me from Catalina.

Thank you.

I'm all ready to go to work.

You're ready to go to work?
No, come on. There's no hurry.

Sit down. Take a load off
your feet. There's plenty of time.

I want to finish this first.

And then we'll go to work?

No. Then we're gonna have lunch.

Lunch?

Yeah, lunch.

But it's just 9:00
in the morning.

Yeah, I know, but I got
a late start this morning.

You need a little something
to hold you over till lunchtime?

Oh, no. No, thank you.

As a matter of fact
I usually skip lunch.

You skip lunch?

Yeah.

What are you, some
kind of a religious nut?

No.

No, I just have to
watch my figure.

You watch your figure?

Uh-huh.

Let me see it.

Come on. Stand up.

Turn around.

Well, you're sure a tall,
skinny drink of water.

Yeah, but you have
got a marvelous figure.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

I mean, if you go in
for that sort of thing.

Well, you know, Miss Summers,

you've always had a nice figure.

I have?

Yes.

I've seen every
picture you ever made.

You did?

Yes, and in each one I've
watched you grow and grow,

get bigger and bigger.

What do you mean?

Oh, I mean your talent.

You've grown in importance.

Yeah.

Let's face it though, Lucy.

I've grown in measurements, too.

Vertical, horizontal,
sideways, up, down.

Well, Miss Summers, now
that you've mentioned it,

you have put on a little
weight in the last few years.

A little weight?

Honey, they invented Cinemascope
to get my hips in the screen.

Oh, now, you're not that heavy.

And I don't think it's right to make
jokes about your being overweight.

I'm a woman, and I know
that no woman enjoys being fat.

You know, you're a
pretty smart cookie?

What do you mean?

You're right. It takes a woman
to see through another woman.

I hate being overweight, but
there's nothing I can do about it.

You see, I am a compulsive
eater, and since I can't stop eating,

the next best thing is to
make jokes about it, right?

Yeah.

Yes, well, you're
putting on a false front.

Lucy, you're the first person
that ever said that about me.

Miss Summers, why don't you
do something about your weight?

Well, I've tried.
I've tried everything.

I've even put a steam
cabinet in my bedroom?

Oh, did it do anything for you?

Oh, for me nothing, but
it's great for boiling chickens.

Oh.

I mean, have you
ever tried exercising?

Exercising?

Yeah, no.

What, are you kidding?

Oh, I don't mean
anything strenuous.

I mean, a simple little
exercise, you know,

like bending down
and touching your toes.

Touching my toes? I haven't
even seen them for ten years.

Oh, there you go, making
fun of yourself again.

Well, what are
you so upset about?

I mean, if it doesn't bother
me, why does it bother you?

Because you're too pretty and
too talented to let yourself go.

You know, you
should go on a diet.

You don't want people to
go around calling you fatso.

Oh, who cares, anymore?

Well, I do.

You do?

Yes.

Really?

Really.

I don't know. If you care
maybe I guess I should care.

All right. Today
I'll go on a diet.

That-a-girl, fatso.

- I mean.
- Never mind.

Look, Miss Summers,
if you go on a diet,

I promise I will help you
lose 15 pounds in two weeks.

Fifteen pounds?

Yes.

- You promise, Lucy?
- I promise.

Oh, wouldn't you love
to be slender again?

Yes, I would.

I would. I'll do anything. I'll
do anything to lose weight.

I hope you mean that.

Oh, I do. I do.

As of right now I'm going
to go on a very strict diet,

so help me Hannah.

Good girl.

Good girl.

Oh, that's wonderful.

You won't regret
this, Miss Summers.

I have a few ideas -

wait a minute, you're on a diet.

I'm an American citizen
and I know my rights.

A condemned woman
eats a hearty meal.

Stroke.

Stroke.

Stroke. Come on, Shelley.

Come on, keep swimming.

You have still 50 more
yards to swim to shore.

I'm in no hurry.

I think I'll float
the rest of the way.

Now you can't quit now.

Oh, yes, I can.

Lucy, I've been
starving and exercising.

Nothing. Nothing has happened.

Well, it will. If you
do what I tell you I

guarantee you will
take off 15 pounds of fat.

Yeah, and I'll put on


No, I've had enough of this.

I've had enough.

Shelley, you have got
more exercising to do.

- No.
- Yes, you have.

I promised you there was so
much exercising to do everyday,

and you're gonna do it.

Now exercise.

All right.

Well, I'll skip rope.

All right, skip rope.

One, two, three...

That's right.

Six, seven, eight.

Nine, 10, 11, 12.



Shelley, what is
the meaning of this?

I got so hungry I took
a bite out of a rope,

and it was delicious.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Now get up on
that electric horse.

No, no, no, Lucy, I won't.

- Get up on that horse.
- No, I won't

Get up.

Now, get up there
and stop stalling.

- Please, please.
- Now come on, you promised.

Not that.

That's worse than a real horse.

I swear, yesterday it
took a bite out of me.

Oh.

Now, come on. Get up there.

Put your foot in the stirrup.

- Come on.
- Well, help me.

All right.

- Take it easy now.
- Okay.

Take it easy.

Is your foot in the stirrup?

Yeah.

All right. Now, take it easy.

Put your leg over,
not your head.

All right.

Two, three.

Shelley, raise up!

All right. You got your
feet in the stirrups?

Yeah.

All right. You ready now?

I'll never be ready for this.

Hi-h*, Silver.

Oh, Lucy come on!
Get me out of this thing.

It isn't fair. It isn't fair.

What isn't fair?

It isn't fair to the horse.

Never mind that.
It's good for you.

You're going to stay
on there for a half hour.

A half hour?

Come on, have a heart, Lucy.

Please.

I can't stay on here
for half an hour.

Nobody could.

You see, even the
horse couldn't take it.

All right, get down.

- All right. Help me.
- Okay.

Put your leg over.

Now take it easy.

All right. Okay.

All right.

Now, lie down there.

Lie down and do 20 pushups.

Twenty pushups? You
must be out of your mind.

Now, come on, Shelley.

This is our regular routine,
and you've got to do it every day.

No. I've done all the exercise
that I'm gonna do today!

Please, Lucy, I want to eat.

You're not gonna eat
for another two hours yet,

- and then you'll have your lunch.
- Two hours?

That's right.

And then you'll have some
skim milk and some lettuce.

What happened to my
spoonful of cottage cheese?

That's your dinner.

Oh, no, no, Lucy.

I can't go on like this.

- I can't. I'm starving.
- Now, Shelley.

Lucy, I've got to
have some food.

I've got to. I gotta have food,

- real food.
- Now, Shelley, stop it.

Please, please, Lucy,
give me some food,

one real meal.

One real meal,
darling, then I promise.

I promise I'll go back
on my diet again.

- I promise.
- Shelley!

A crust of bread!

A little baked potato!

- A piece of meat!
- Shelley.

Anything! Anything!

I can't stand it. I can't.

Now, take it easy.

I'll get you a good lunch.

I'll get you some lunch.

What a performance.

You don't get two
Oscars for nothing.

What are you eating?

I got so hungry I took
a bite out of a record.

That is not a record.

That is pizza.

No, Lucy, honest, it's a record.

You know, it's a
Dean Martin record.

[singing] When the moon hits your
eye like a big pizza pie, it's amore.

Now I know why you
haven't lost any weight.

You've been hiding food
and eating it behind my back.

All I took was a
little bite of pizza.

Oh, you've got to be ashamed.

Now, look, you've got one more week
before you start making that picture,

and you're going to have to
lose 15 pounds in that one week.

Fifteen pounds?

Lucy, that's impossible.

Nothing is impossible.

And I'm going to
watch you every minute.

You ought to be ashamed.

Do you have any more
food hidden around here?

No, no, no.

Are you sure?

I swear.

I swear on my honor.

Well, you hadn't better have.

I'm ashamed of you.

Honestly.

Shelley, what is this?

Those are my love beads.

Coming. Coming.

Well, come in, CB.

Shelley, you look great.

Well, thank you, darling.

I haven't seen you
so slender in years.

Really?

How much weight did you lose?

Fifteen glorious pounds.

Shelley, to be honest with
you, I didn't think you could do it.

Well, I never could have, CB, if
it hadn't been for that marvelous

secretary you sent me.

She did everything to
keep me from eating.

She did a wonderful job.

I must phone her and thank you.

Well, you don't have to
phone her. She's right here.

Lucy, come out, dear.

What happened to her?

Oh, CB, she was magnificent.

She wouldn't let me
touch a bite of food.

She ate everything
before I could get to it.

Thanks a million, fatso.