01x09 - Lucy Sells Craig to Wayne Newton

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr.,

Thank you.

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you. You're just great.

Thank you.

You're so great we're going
to keep you here all night.

All right.

I don't want to
stay here all night.

Are you through talking?

Yeah.

Are you ready for
the next number?

Oh, gosh, yes.

Okay. Let's do it.

♪ Singing♪ Danke
Schoen, darling, danke schoen.

Thank you for all
the joy and pain.

Picture shows, second balcony,

was the place we'd meet,

second seat, go dutch
treat, you were sweet.

Danke schoen,
darling, danke schoen.

Save those lives,
darling, don't explain.

Now I recall Central Park in
fall, how you tore your dress,

uh-oh, what a mess, I
confess, that's not all.

Danke schoen,
darling, danke schoen.

I got to thank you for
walks down lover's lane.

Now I can see hearts
carved on a tree.

Letters intertwined for
all time, yours and mine.

Hey, hey, that was fine.

Danke schoen,
darling, danke schoen.

I've got to thank you
for seeing me again.

And now though we
go all our separate ways,

still the memory stays for always,
my heart says danke schoen.

Danke schoen,
darling, danke, schoen.

I've gotta to thank you
for seeing me again.

And now though we
go all our separate ways,

still the memory
stays for always.

My heart says danke schoen.

Danke schoen, auf
wiedersehen, danke schoen.

Just wonderful.

Thank you.

How about a big hand for
the boys in the band, huh?

There they are.

Thank you.

And ladies and gentlemen, also
how about a big hand for a young man

who has to leave us tonight for
two weeks' duty in the Army Reserve,

our drummer, Mr. Harvey Lang.

Harvey, take a bow.

And to give you an idea
of Harvey's value to the act,

we've been searching all week to
find someone to replace while he's gone,

and so far we haven't
had any luck at all.

Hey, Wayne?

What?

Why don't you do his part?

Yeah, it'd be easier to find
someone to replace you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the only reason he can

get away with that is
because he's my brother,

and the best brother
a guy ever had.

Jerry Newton, take a bow.

Are you ready?

Oh, my gosh, yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, you've
been such a fantastic audience,

and this next song kind of tells you
how we feel about your listening to it.

♪ Singing ♪ Now, you're
nobody until somebody loves you.

And you're nobody
until somebody cares.

Hey, now you may be the king,
and you may possess all the world

and all of its gold.

But now that gold won't
bring in that much happiness,

not when you're growing old.

I said the world - Thank
you so much for coming in.

You're just marvelous.

Thank you.

Hello back there.

Somebody wave. I feel kind
of stupid standing here tonight.

Just as long as the stars -
Thank you very, very much,

They're gonna
shine forever more.

Now, you're nobody -
Thank you very, very much -

Nobody until some,
somebody loves you.

- So go out and find
- - I'm Lucy Carter.

I just wanted you to know how
much we enjoyed you tonight.

Thank you very, very much.

Oh, and I'd like you
to meet my family.

Hello there. Nice to meet you.

Listen, this is my
brother-in-law Harry Carter,

and this is his birthday present
to them, coming to see you.

And it was worth every
penny, tax included. Yeah.

Oh, and this is
my daughter, Kim.

She has every one of your albums,
and she sings all of your songs.

Well, it's nice to
have such a pretty fan.

Oh, thank you.

And this is my son, Craig.

He plays drums, and whenever you
sing he likes to drum along with you.

Yes, ma'am, I noticed that.

Hey, you've got
a great beat there.

Thank you.

Well, Uncle Harry's been paying for
his lessons with a real professional.

Mom, Mr. Newton doesn't want to hear
about Uncle Harry and my music lessons.

Why not? That's how
I got my start, Craig.

Oh, you had an uncle like Harry?

No, ma'am, I had
a mother like you.

Oh, that's funny. That's funny.

Hey, Craig, how long
you been taking lessons?

For over $300.00.

Yeah. His teacher says
that he's a very fine musician.

- And now that you happen to need a
drummer maybe Craig can do it.
- But Mom.

He's a wonderful drummer,
and he reads music like a pro.

Mom, in Mr. Newton's act it's more
important to read him than to read music.

He improvises a lot.

And if you're not
with it, you'll still be in

the bus station by the
time he gets to Phoenix.

Hey, he's hip.

- He is?
- Sure.

You ever play in public?

- Well... Oh, yes.

Yes, last year he played
a concert at Pasadena,

and he drew over 100,000 people.

Mom, that wasn't a concert.

That was the Rose
Bowl football game.

Well.

I was in one of the 100 bands
that played during halftime.

Well, all I know is they
stopped the game right

in the middle to let
Craig play, didn't they?

Well, look, if he's that good
we must give him an audition.

Oh.

- Did you hear that?
- Oh, great.

Oh, thank you.

Look, we're gonna be here 10:00
tomorrow morning rehearsing,

so stop by and
we'll let you try out.

- Thank you.
- Okay?

See you later.

Oh, thank you.

One more time.

I say you're nobody
until somebody loves you.

So I had to find somebody.

Look and find yourself somebody.

You've got to find
yourself somebody to love.

God bless you and thank
you, ladies and gentlemen.

- Here's the rest of the stuff.
- Okay.

Gee, I'm glad we got
here early so we can get

in some practice before
Mr. Newton gets here.

Yeah. Maybe if I get warmed
up I won't feel so nervous.

Yeah.

Mom, what's this?

I did that last night
while you were asleep.

Mom, I don't even
have the job yet.

You know how I feel
about positive thinking.

Yeah, but you don't
have to put it in writing.

Let's not argue now.
Let's not waste time.

Let's get to work.

Okay.

I'll put the record on.

I'll put it on.

You get out there and make like
Wayne Newton so Craig can watch you.

I'll be Jerry.

Oh, all right.

- Hey, Mom, - Yeah?

Put it in the middle. That's
where I need the practice.

Okay.

♪ Recoded singing ♪
Now I recall Central Park in fall,

how you tore your dress,
uh-oh, what a mess,

I confess, that's not all.

Danke schoen,
darling, danke schoen.

I got to thank you for
walks down lover's lane.

Hey, I can see hearts
carved on a tree.

Letters intertwined for
all time, yours and mine.

Hey, hey, that was fine.

Danke schoen,
darling, danke schoen.

I say thank you for
seeing me again.

And though we go
on our separate ways,

still the memory stays for always,
my heart says danke schoen.

Danke schoen,
darling, danke, schoen.

I've gotta to thank you
for seeing me again.

And though we go
on our separate ways,

still the memory
stays for always.

My heart says danke schoen.

Danke schoen, auf
wiedersehen, danke schoen.

That was wonderful.

Oh, we didn't know
you were here.

We thought it would Craig
rehearse if someone was doing you.

I see.

Are you embarrassed, darling?

[mumbles in embarrassment]

Well, you don't have to be.
She was very good, wasn't she?

I really enjoyed it.

You really did, huh?

I must tell you, whenever a performer
sees himself imitated he feels flattered.

Oh, really?

Sure.

Jerry, did you feel flattered?

Oh, gosh, yes.

- Thank you.
- Oh, by the way, fellas,
this is the Carter family.

[greeting each other]

- You're really a fine mimic.
- Thank you.

You know, her best
thing is dancing.

I think she gets it from me.

Is that your best thing?

What?

Is that your best thing?

Oh, yeah, it is if
you've heard me sing.

Kim, show him how
you dance, sweetheart.

Mother.

Oh, come on now. This is
no time to feel self-conscious.

Look, honey, if it'd make you feel
more relaxed I'll do the steps with you.

Oh, please, Mother.

Craig, play a
little "Tea for Two".

- On a drum?
- Oh.

Do you fellas know
"Tea for Two"?

- Sure, sure.
- Good, good.

Mother, Craig's the one that's
supposed to be auditioning.

Who's auditioning?

Mr. Newton wants to
see you dance, don't you?

- Oh, sure. Yes.
- Well, then sit right down there.

You sit right down
there and watch.

You come on up here, darling.

Now, don't be nervous.
Don't be nervous.

Don't be nervous.

I'm nervous enough
for both of us.

Are you ready?

Oh, gosh, yes.

Sit down and play.

Okay.

Hit it, Craig.

That was just great.

- Just wonderful.
- Well, we haven't done it in a long time.

You get a little rusty
when you don't rehearse.

Yes, ma'am, I know.
That's why I'm here.

Oh, oh, of course.

That's right. You
want to rehearse.

Well, now you go right ahead.

Go over and sit down - Come
on, honey, get out of his way.

Okay, Craig. Let's just run it a couple
of times so you kind of get the feel of it.

You know we'll take it easy.
Give me an arpeggio, please.

♪ Singing ♪ And now you mine or
you'll be me with a Dixie in the melody.

- Ain't that a groover, too, from my heart.
- Mr. Newton?

- Yes, Mrs. Carter?
- Mr. Newton, hold it, just a moment.

If you're going to sing so loud how
are you going to hear Craig's drums?

Well, Mrs. Carter, I'll try
to tone it down a little bit.

I wish you would.

- Thank you.
- All right.

- Go ahead, boys.
- Just pick it up where we left.

♪ Singing ♪
Swing the cradle here, Mammy mine,

right on that Mason-Dixon Line.

And swing it from Virginia. To
Tennessee with all the love that's in ya.

Weep no more my lady,

sing that song aga -

Hold it, Mr. Newton?

Hold it, fellas.

- Yes, Mrs. Carter?
- A lot of the audience can't see
Craig from over here.

Well, you see, Mrs. Carter,
when we're doing the show,

the drummer's always
on a raised platform.

Oh.

Oh, good. Fine, fine.

Okay, dear.

Go ahead, boys.

♪ Singing ♪ A million
baby kisses I'll deliver

if you'll only sing
"The Swanee River".

Hey, rock-a-bye, your rock-a-bye
baby with a Dixie melody.

What is it now, Mrs. Carter?

Even with a raised
platform it's still going to be

hard to see him on
account of you being so tall.

How tall are you?

I'm 6'2", Mrs. Carter, but I don't
know what I can do about that.

Well, now maybe you're
going to have to scrunch a little.

Gonna have to scrunch?

Scrunch. Scrunch down.

Yeah.

We're never gonna
be able to see him.

- Scrunch?
- Yeah.

Okay.

All right, go ahead.

♪ Singing ♪ A million baby kisses I'll
deliver if you only sing "The Swanee River"

rock-a-bye baby
with a Dixie melody.

That's gonna be fine.

Mother, let's go.

No, now wait a minute. I want
to see how Craig made out.

Mrs. Carter, I'm sure from what we've
heard he's going to make out just fine.

Oh, good. Good. Did you hear?

Oh, we got to go
tell, Uncle Harry.

Yes. Let's go someplace.

Okay, bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye, dear.

Bye.

No, don't worry buddy.
You're doing fine.

Pick it up right
where we left off.

♪ Singing ♪ A million
baby kisses I'll deliver

if you'll only sing that
old "Swanee River"

and now rock-a-bye,
oh, you rock-a-bye baby

with a Dixie - I'm
scrunching. I'm scrunching

- melody.

Oh, dear.

Kim?

Kim, darling?

I'm coming, Mom.

Kim, will you give me a
hand with these snaps?

They keep coming undone.

Well, just wait a minute. I'm
having troubles of my own.

What's the matter?

I can't get this earning on.

Well, you don't wear them then.

I have to wear them.

Why?

I can't get this one off.

Fine.

Look, we're gonna be in trouble if we're
not ready when Uncle Harry gets here.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen,

the management takes
great pleasure in presenting

that exciting new discovery,

Craig Carter.

Well, well, well.

Oh, doesn't Craig look nice?

He should look nice.

I had to wait 40 minutes
to get into the bathroom.

Listen, it takes guys
longer to get clean than girls.

I'll buy that.

Anyway, I had to shave.

You had to shave?

Yeah, on my way home from
my audition today I bought a razor.

Well, tomorrow
you can take it back.

Mom, you can't take something
back after it's been used.

It hasn't been used.

Yeah, you could
shave with a washrag.

Ah-ha. That's no
way to talk to a star.

Oh, star, get you.

You may look like
a star from the front,

but from the back you
look like a beachcomber.

Get that hairspray
and comb for me.

- I'll get it.
- That must be Uncle Harry.

Hi, Uncle Harry.

Hello, dear. How are you?

Hi, Harry. I'll be
with you in a minute.

Listen, see if you can help
Kim with her earring, will you?

Look, I'm the one
that needs help.

I haven't worn a tuxedo in so long
I've forgotten how to tie this thing.

Oh, I know how. I'll help you.

Oh, thank you.

Turn around. I've got to
look at it like it's in the mirror.

Kim, fasten these snaps
for me, dear. Don't forget.

Okay.

- I don't know.
- You should have put a zipper on this.

This hair of yours
is so stubborn.

Why do you let it get so long?

Kim, Kim, let me have that
earring, and I'll get to work.

Wait a minute, Harry.
Hold still. I've got to fix this.

I can't do this, too.

Boy, have you got fat earlobes.

What?

They're just like
yours, fat earlobes.

[inaudible arguing]

♪ singing ♪ That Swanee,

hey, now, how I love you.

How I love you, my
dear old Swanee.

I did the work on the boat
and in D-I-X-I-E that is my baby

I see her waiting for me, praying
for me down by the Swanee.

The folks up north
will see me no more

when I get to the Swanee shore.

Ah, Swanee, oh, how I
love you, how I love you,

my dear, old Swanee.

I'd give the world to be
among the boats in D-I-X-I-E,

even though my mammy
are waiting for me,

praying for me
down by the Swanee.

The folks up north
will see me no more

when I get to that Swanee shore.

Swanee, ah, Swanee.

Now, I don't know
who folks set home.

Take me home.

Swanee, how I love
you, how I love you,

my dear, old Swanee.

I'd give the world to be upon the
boat in D-I-X-I-E even though my

mammy, ah, now she's waiting for
me, praying for me down by the Swanee.

The folks up north will see me
no more when I get to that Swanee,

when I get to that Swanee,

when I get to that Swanee shore.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you. Ladies and
gentlemen, our regular drummer

had to leave us for a two-week
duty in the Army Reserve,

and the young man who
is filling in for him tonight,

this is his first
professional engagement,

and we think he's
done a fantastic job.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Craig Carter.

Craig, take a bow.

Ladies and gentlemen, we can't give Craig
all the credit for his success tonight

because it's actually
been a team effort.

He's got a great family behind
him, and I'd like you to meet him.

First, his uncle who
sponsored his music lessons.

Uncle Harry, come out here.

Mr. Harrison
Carter, there he is.

Hello, Mr. Carter.

I guess you're really proud
of your nephew tonight.

Oh, indeed. Yes. He's
a real professional.

Have you ever had a desire
to perform yourself, sir?

Oh gosh, yes.

And I'd now like you to
meet Craig's mother and sister

because they're really
talented in their own right.

And as a special surprise we
asked them to join us for our finale.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ms. Kim and Lucy Carter.

There they are.

Are you ready back there?

- Oh gosh, yes.
- Oh gosh, yes.

Okay. Hit it, Craig.

♪ Singing ♪ Down on
the levee in old Alabami,

there's Daddy and Mammy
and Ephraim and Sammy.

On a moonlit night you can find
them all while they are swaying,

banders are syncopatin'.

What's that they're saying?
Hey, what's that they're saying?

While I keep on swaying,
banjos are playin'.

And it's a good ship
waiting on the levee,

come to carry cotton away.

Got to see them shovin'
along, see them shovin' along.

So get your best gal we'll
row, go down to the levee,

I said to the levee,
see them shovin along.

Hear that music and song.

Isn't it great, mate, waiting on the
levee waiting for the Robert E. Lee?

You've gotta see
them shovin along,

see them shovin along.

So get your best gal, real
pal, go down to the levee,

go straight to the levee,
see them shovin along.

We've got music and song.

Isn't it great, mate,
waiting on the levee,

waiting for the Robert E. Lee?

One more time.