01x13 - Lucy and the Gold Rush

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Come on, Craig.
What's keeping you?

I'll tell you what's keeping me,



This geology class is
gonna break my back.

What are you griping about?
There's only one field trip a semester.

Anyway, a little hard
work never hurt anyone.

Oh, really? How would you
know? You've never done any.

Just because we're in the same
class I have to carry your rocks.

Oh, that must be Mom.

Yeah. That's Mom. I wonder
what she'll blame it on this time.

She'll probably use the
old earthquake excuse.

We must have had another
earthquake last night.

The garage shifted again.

Oh, well, look at that.

Oh, they're beauties.

Gee, if you don't get an
A in geology at least we'll

have the prettiest rock garden
in the whole neighborhood.

What kind are these?

Well, this one's lignite.
That one has traces

of mica. And this is
one of the silicates.

Oh, look at this.
Oh, isn't this pretty?

Oh, I know it's foolish, but
you know that looks like gold?

It fools a lot of people.

That's why it's
called fool’s gold.

Gee, can I have it? I'd
like to take it to the office.

What for, to hit Uncle Harry?

Well, that's not a bad idea, but I thought
it might make an interesting paperweight.

Sure. Take it.

Thank you, darling. Gee, you know, I wish
I'd studied geology when I was in school.

Well, why didn’t you? Didn't
they have rocks in those days?

All right, Craig.

Come on. Let's get the rest of
these rocks out in the garage.

You've got this living
room all messed up.

Oh, Kim, I made some
biscuits this morning.

Would you put them
in the oven to warm up?

- Okay.
- All right. I'll help you.

Fold it up.

All right.

Oh, they are beauties.

Good heavens, have you ever
thought of collecting stamps?

Craig, you take care of the
biscuits and I'll carry the rocks.

- Why?
- They're not as heavy as your biscuits.

You get back
out in that kitchen.

Such a clown.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh my gosh.

Good morning.

Would you repeat that, please?

Surely. Good morning.

Yes. That's what
I thought you said.

Do you mind if I ask
you a simple question?

Not at all.

Tell me. When you file your income tax do
you claim Los Angeles as your residence?

Of course.

Then why do you come to work
every morning on New York time?

Oh, now, I have a very good
explanation of why I'm late today.

You always have a good
explanation of why you're late.

Well, I'm sorry, Uncle Harry.

And that's another thing.
How many times have I

told you not to call me
Uncle Harry in this office?

- I'm sorry.
- I am not your uncle.

I am your brother-in-law,
and that is bad enough.

- Yes.
- I-

Good heavens.

Are you moonlighting again?

What have you got in
there, plumbing tools?

No. It's just a rock.

I thought you kept
your rocks in your head.

Kim and Craig found it on a
field trip for their geology class,

and well, it looks like
real gold, but it's really-

I know, I know, fool’s gold.

Oh, you must have
studied mineralogy.

No, but I studied fools.

Now, would you tell me what
you intend to do with that?

Well, I thought it might
make a nice paperweight.

For all the paperwork you do it
could be held down with a feather.

Look, have you finished those
form letters I gave you yesterday?

No, sir, but I'll finish
them right away.

Well, you will finish
them today, please.

- Yes, sir. Of course.
- Now, look, I want to dictate
some contracts, too.

Let me see now. The first one
goes to Consolidated Machinery.

Yeah. Gentlemen
-What are you looking for?

I'm looking for my steno pad.

Oh, for heaven sakes - Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm
clumsy. I'm careless. I'm stupid.

You type that up and I'll sign
it as your recommendation.

Yes, sir.

Oh, where are you going now?

I have to go to the storeroom
for some steno pads.

Oh. Mr. Harrison Carter?

Yes. Did you wish
to see me, sir?

Yes, sir. My name
is Jeff Simpson.

I'm a mining engineer.

Oh, nice to know you,
Mr. Simpson. Sit down, sir. Sit down.

Here we are. Make
yourself comfortable.

All right, now, Mr. Simpson,
what can I do for you?

Well, I'm looking for a
job but not an ordinary one.

Well, you've come to the right place.
Carter's Unique Employment Agency

specializes in finding unusual
jobs for unusual people.

Now, if you'll give me a
resume of your work experience.

Well, I was three years in Alaska
with the North Star Mining Company,

and two years in Africa
with Nairobi Mining.

And, well, it's all
here in my resume.

Oh, fine. Good. Uh-huh.

Well, you've certainly had
a lot of mining experience.

Yeah, 15 years of it, but I'm
getting kind of tired of pushing rocks.

That's why I'm looking
for something different.

With your background,
no problem.

No, indeed. Mr. Simpson,
I'm sure we'll find

something interesting
for you very soon.

Well, that's fair enough. I'm
staying at the Explorer's Club.

- You can reach me there.
- Fine. Fine, Mr. Simpson. Fine.

Is this yours, Mr. Carter?

No, that piece of junk
belongs to my secretary.

Mister, this piece
of junk is gold.

Oh, you're joking.

Ah, are you sure?

I ought to recognize
gold ore when I see it.

You mean this might
be worth something?

Gold always is. Well, I hope you
come up with something for me.

Oh, I will, Mr. Gold.
Yes, indeed, Mr. Rock.

Oh, you'll be hearing from us.

Will you get out of
my way? I'm in a hurry.

Clean up that mess.

Craig, dinner will
be ready in a minute.

Okay.

You get down here now.

Well, what a surprise.

Harry, you kissed me.

Nothing is too good
for my sister-in-law.

Well, you're just in time for
dinner if you don't mind leftovers.

There will be no leftovers.

I brought this for you and the kiddies.
Fourteen pounds of yummy for the tummy.

Yummy for the Tummy.

Kids, your Uncle Corny is he -
Your Uncle Harry is here, kids.

- Hi, Uncle Harry.
- Hello, dear.

Hey, look at that turkey.

- Wow.
- Yeah, Uncle Harry just brought it.

- Mm-hmm.
- He's gonna stay for dinner.

- Sit down, Harry.
- Oh, thank you.

- Come on, make yourself comfortable.
- Oh, thank you very much dear.

- My you just look lovely.
- Thank you.

And you're getting
handsomer every day.

- You kids certainly are growing.
- Fine

- I'm so proud of you both.
- Thank you.

- There we are.
- Oh, isn't this nice?

Here we are all together,
just one big, happy family.

Yes. I can't get over your sudden
desire to have dinner with us.

Well, why not? After all,
blood is thicker than rocks.

- Rocks?
- I mean water. Water.

Now that you mention rocks,

you know that rock you brought to the
office this morning, that was very unusual.

It's just a common,
ordinary, everyday rock.

Yeah. If you've seen one
rock you've seen them all.

There's lots of them around.

Where? Where? Where? Where?

Yeah, about 15 miles from here.

Yes, yes, yes?

It was one of the
canyons. We made a left.

Oh, a left. A left.

- That's right.
- Oh, a right. right.

- No, we made a left somewhere.
- Hold it. Hold it.

Kids, I would like to
discuss something with

your Uncle Harry. Would
you excuse us, please?

We can take a hint.
Come on, Craig.

Thank you.

All right, Harry, why are
you so interested in rocks?

Well, I think all men
should collect something

as a hobby, so I
decided to collect rocks.

Well, I think you decided this
morning when you saw my rock.

Now, Harry, I want to know why.

Well, now, as a matter of fact, your
rock just might contain a little gold.

What do you mean
might? Don't it or do it?

It do. It does.

How do you know?

Well, I happened to be passing
the assay office, you see.

You just happened to be
passing the office, huh?

Yes. Yes. And I took
it in for one of their

experts to look at, that
paperweight of yours.

And my dear, our
rock is not fool’s gold.

It is the real thing.

Gold? Gold. I'll be rich.

I can have anything I
want in the whole world.

An electric can opener.
Large-size paper napkins.

Soft water. Oh -

How come all of the
sudden it's our rock?

Well, I was the one that had
the foresight to have it analyzed.

Now, look, the first order
of business is to find out

just where those kids
discovered that rock.

So that's why you came
here with that cut-rate turkey.

It was not a cut-rate turkey. I
spent $0.29 a pound for that bird.

Look, I have a contract here. It
provides for the division of profit,


if you sign right down there.

Seventy-five, twenty-five.
I guess that sounds fair.

I guess I'd be kind of greedy if
I wanted more than 75 percent.

Oh, no, no. I get the


Well, now, you must understand I
have the financial capacity to do it.

Also, I have the
old Carter knowhow.

Yeah, and I've got the
old Carter goldmine.

Now, now, now, I think we can come
to terms without the indignity of haggling.

Yeah. Well, we're
two reasonable people,

and I don't like haggling
any more than you do.

So let's say that I
take 65 and you get 35.

Let's start haggling.

Sixty, forty?

Fifty-fifty.

All right. All right. You
get 60 and I'll take 40.

I get 75, and you
get 25, and that's it.

Ooh, you're a hard woman.

That's why I need
all that soft water.

Now, then I'll just take a couple of
changes here, 75 for me, and 25 for you.

And I will sign on the
dotted line, Lucille Carter.

There you are, sir.

You're stabbing me in the back.

Don't worry. You'll have enough
money to plug up the hole.

Kids, kids, come on in here.

I've got wonderful news.
You'll never believe it.

Uncle Harry gave you a raise?

No, better than that. You know that
rock you gave me? It has real gold in it.

Yeah, Mom. Listen, when are we
gonna get the turkey? I'm really starved.

I'm serious. Tell them, Harry.

It's the truth. It's the truth.

I took this to the assay office
to have their experts look at it,

and they say the gold in this ore
could run as high as $14.00 a ton.

Wow, all we'd need is 1 million
tons and we'd have 14 million dollars.

Now, tell me, where
did you find this rock?

Yeah, where?

Where did we get it, Craig?

I don't know. We were
all over the hills yesterday.

Oh, now, come on,
boy. Think, think, think.

I'm too hungry to think.

What kind of a mother
are you? Feed that boy.

His mind needs
nourishment, for heaven sake.

Now, look, please, think.
Think hard. Concentrate.

Didn't you notice any
characteristic signs, or landmarks?

Well, we stopped at a stand
to get some hamburgers.

No, no, no. You had a
cheeseburger on a toasted bun

with lettuce and
mayonnaise and tomatoes.

And I had a hotdog
with mustard and pickles.

Look, please, please,
I don't want the menu.

Give me directions.

Don't worry, Uncle
Harry. We'll think of it.

Yeah. That rock's been
there for a million years.

Ten minutes more won't
make any difference.

Here.

Now, now, concentrate.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Oh!
- Yeah?

Can I have some cranberry sauce?

That boy is going to
drive me up the wall.

Here.

- Now I remember.
- What? What? What?

You take the freeway till you
get to the Calabasas turnoff,

up the old Topanga Canyon Road,
walk about 3 miles and that's it.

Good girl.

Well, does this
look like the place?

I think so.

You think so? While you're
thinking we're losing money.

What's taking
Uncle Harry so long?

Oh, he's carrying a heavy load.

He doesn't have
anything on his back.

No, but he's got
plenty on his front.

Come on, Harry.

What's the matter, old
boy, can't you take it?

For your information I am
in perfect physical condition.

Yes, sir.

This is it. This is where
we found Mom's rock.

- Oh, wow are you sure?
- Wow really?

I'm positive.

Oh, good, good. Start digging. I
hear the price of gold is going up.

Oh, wonderful. If you
think the Grand Canyon

is a hole watch the
one I'm gonna dig.

That’s it. Right
there. Right there.

Are you comfortable,
Harry? Do you want a pillow?

I'm working. I'm thinking.

Yeah. You're the
biggest thinker I know.

Come on. Dig now; think later.

Hey, look at this big hole.

It looks like an old mine shaft.

A mine shaft? Well, then that
means that there must be gold here.

I think so.

Oh, look at that.

- What? What? What?
- Right there.

Oh, look. Harry, look.

Let me see that.
Let me see that.

Is there anything there?

It's gold! It's gold!
Keep looking.

Oh, boy. Yes, indeed.

Try to get that
piece down there.

Howdy, folks.

Oh, howdy.

You lose something?

No, no, no. We're just
looking for specimens.

Rock collecting club.

Yeah, were mineralogists.

I reckon you got permission from the
owner to go rootin' around his property.

Oh, we thought
this was public land.

Yeah. We didn't see any signs.

Do you know who owns it?

- Yep.
- Who?

I do.

Well, your property sure
doesn't look like much.

It's even got a big hole in it.

Yeah, about the only thing
you can raise here is rocks.

Yeah. Have you ever
considered selling it, mister?

Tompkins. The name is
Tompkins, J.C.C. Tompkins.

Oh. Harrison Carter.
This is my sister-in-law,

Mrs. Carter, her two
children, Kim and Craig.

How do you do? How do you do?

You were saying my property
doesn't look like much?

Well, you must admit it is pretty
barren. But that's exactly what Mr. Carter

is looking for, a barren
piece of property.

Well, I reckon you could talk me
into letting it go for say $1,000.00.

A thousand dollars? This
isn't Wilshire Boulevard.

I didn't come here
looking for you.

He'll give you $1,000.00.

Harry, that's not much
to pay for all this gold.

I'll give you $1,000.00.
I don't want to quibble

about this. Who do I
make the check out to?

J. Calvin Coolidge Tompkins,

Limited.

One thousand
dollars, Harrison Carter.

Do you realize you just let a
gold mine slip through your fingers?

Yep. About the sixth
time this year I've done it.

You mean there
isn't any gold here?

Oh, there's gold here. It's
worth about $14.00 a ton.

Oh, that's what they
said, $14.00 a ton.

But the only trouble is it
costs $35.00 a ton to get it out.

- Thirty-five dollars?
- To get it out?

Well, why didn't you tell us
that before you sold us the land?

Well, then I reckon you
wouldn't have bought it.

Tell you what I'll do, next week
when you want to sell it you come back.

I might go as high
as $200.00 for it.

Two hundred?

If'n you throw in the shovels.

[singing] I'm in the money.

You did this to me, you
and that phony piece of rock.

I just paid that swindler
$1,000.00 and it's your fault.

- My fault?
- Yes. Well, you were so smart.

You wanted 75
percent of the company.

All right. You owe me $750.00.

I owe you?

And I don't want any IOU's. I
want cash. Now, get out of my way.

Oh, Uncle Harry,
are you all right?

Yes, I'm all right.
Get me out of here.

Okay, Harry. We'll get
you out. Get the rope.

- Hurry up.
- See any gold down there?

Okay, Harry. Oh,
by the way, Harry,

how much did you say I owe you?

Seven hundred and fifty dollars.

How much?

Five hundred.

I can't hear you, Harry.

Three hundred dollars?

Three hundred?
Well, that sounds fair.

Okay. Here comes the rope.

- Oh, that's just one thing, Harry.
- Yes

I get paid for helping people out of mine
shafts, and do you know what I charge?

Three hundred dollars?

- No, Harry.
- How much?

Three hundred and ten dollars.

What's the extra ten for?

Amusement tax.