01x14 - Lucy the Fixer

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Carter's Unique
Employment Agency.

Oh, hi, Isabel.

Well, I couldn't call you back.

Because my big-hearted
benevolent boss is on an economy kick

and he booby-trapped the phone.

Yeah. Look, he put a lock on it.

Well, take my word for it.

I don't know what he did with
the key. I think he swallowed it.

Here he comes. Goodbye.

- Oh, good morning.
- Good morning.

Oh, darn it.

Ah-ha.

You did it again.

I did what?

Wasted a sheet of a paper.

So what?

Because of your miserable typing you waste
an average of six sheets of paper per day.

Well, how much can that cost?

That is 30 sheets a week.

And in one year that is


And in ten years that comes to a grand
total of 15,600 wasted sheets of paper.

And do you know what that means?

It means you make me
write too many letters.

No, it means I'll go
broke if I live long enough.

And while we are on the
subject, what about paperclips?

What about them?

A paperclip is precisely
what its name implies,

a clip with which
you clip paper.

Yeah, that's right.

We do not make
lavalieres out of them.

Well, I made that for you in
case you ever become a hippie.

Now hear this, your job
is hanging by a thread.

Don't jerk it.

Now, to work.

Call my lawyer and tell him
to rush those contracts over.

I can't make any calls. You put
locks on the phones, remember?

Where's the key?

Cover your eyes.

What?

Put your hands over your eyes.

Oh, what a place to hide a key,

taped to your leg.

Ow!

Now I'm sorry about that.

[cheering] Rip 'em with a
beat, tear 'em with a paw,

throw 'em in the meat
grinder, rah-rah-rah.

- Oh, Kim, that was great.
- Thanks.

- Oh, gee, you look darling in that outfit.
- Thanks, Mom.

Hey, why don't you come to
the game with us this afternoon?

- Oh, I'd love to. Thank you.
- Good.

You know something, that
outfit brings back memories.

Memories?

Yeah. When I was your age I was a
cheerleader at my high school, too.

That's kind of hard to believe.

Well, now why is that
so hard to believe?

Well, a mother's a
mother, not a cheerleader.

Well, I was, and I was
a darn good one, too.

In fact, I was voted Miss
Cheerleader of 1930 -

I was a darn good cheerleader.

- Here, Mom, let me see you do a cheer.
- Oh, I don't know.

Oh, come on, Mom. Just one.

Well, I don't know if I
can even remember any.

It was a long time
ago, you know.

Well, let's see.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here's one.

[cheering] A rootie-ta-toot,
a rootie-ta-toot,

we are the kids
of the institute.

We are not rough.
We are not tough.

But we are determined.

As I said, it was
a long time ago.

Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hey, Craig.

Hey, you look
terrific in that uniform.

Oh, Craig, you look wonderful.

Oh, boy, so big and strong.

Well, not all this is me,
Mom. Half of it's padding.

Oh, well, you'll be the best-looking
player on the field today.

You mean the best-looking
player on the bench.

Why do you say that?

Well, Mom, only the first
team is sure of playing.

And you're not
on the first team?

No.

You're on the second team?

Keep going.

You're on the third team?

Yeah, and only a substitute.

Well, don't you worry. Nobody
ever recognizes real talent.

Just remember they made
John Wayne start out as an extra.

What did she mean by that?

We'll never know.

Listen, Craig, what
do you do on the team?

Are you the fellow who throws
the ball or catches it or kicks it?

Or are you the fellow who blows the
whistle and plays drop the handkerchief?

Mom, I'm an offensive guard.

You are not an
offensive anything.

That's the position I play.

My job is to open holes in the opponent's
line so our backs can get through.

You go through backwards?

Mom, listen, I'll show
you what I mean.

Get down opposite me.

No, I don't think
I want to do that.

Better do it, Mom. This may be
your only chance to see him play.

Mom, listen, I'm not going to
hurt you. I'm just gonna show you.

- Okay? Now listen,
- Well, all right.

- Get down like this.
- Okay.

Up a little closer. You've
got to get all fierce.

All right.



Oh.

Where did you learn that?

Feminine instinct.

Every girl has to learn
how to protect herself.

Now I know why you're
always on the bench.

Let me borrow your comb.

- Listen, Craig.
- Yeah?

What time does the game start?

Two o'clock.

My gosh, it's not even 10:00. You
have four hours before game time.

How come you're
wearing your uniform now?

Well, I wanted to kind of
show it to a couple of friends?

Oh, Danny and Steve?

No, Carol and Susie.

Oh?

And Doreen and Ilene
and Josephine and Betty.

Okay, Kim.

Well, you might as
well admit it, Craig.

You're the Y.A. Tittle
of the teeny boppers.

Hello?

Lucille, this is Harry.

Oh, hello.

Lucille, I have some
important unfinished

correspondence that I want
taken care of immediately.

Get over here as
fast as possible.

Harry, this is Saturday. Why
should I have to work on Saturday?

Because you goofed off Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday.

Yeah, but what about Thursday?

Thursday you
didn't show up at all.

But I'm supposed to go to a
football game with Kim and Craig.

Look, we only have
about an hour's work.

If you hurry you'll be through in
plenty of time to get to the football game.

Now, get over to my
house right away. Goodbye.

Oh, dear.

I've got to go over to Harry's
house and do some work.

- I shouldn't be long though.
- Okay.

I'm gonna turn that
roast off so I don't forget.

- Hey, Craig?
- Yeah?

I'd like to run through that fight
cheer once. Would you give me a beat?

All right.

- I'll do it over here.
- Okay.

- Ready?
- Mm-hmm.

[cheering] You gotta go, you
gotta go, you gotta fight, fight, fight.

You gotta go, you gotta
go, you gotta fight, fight, fight.

You gotta go, you gotta fight.
You gotta go with all your might.

You gotta work all day.
You gotta work all night.

Go fight, go fight,
go fight, fight.

You gotta go, you gotta
go, you gotta fight, fight, fight.

You gotta go, you gotta fight.
You gotta fight with all your might.

You gotta work all day.
You gotta work all night.

You gotta go fight,
go fight, go fight, fight.

- Well, we'll work in here.
- This won't take long, will it?

Not if you stop talking
and start working.

Well, I just don't want
to be late for the game.

All right, well, get to work.
Sit down. Sit down. Sit down.

I think I'd better sit over
there, Harry. I'll need the light.

All right. As you wish.

- Now, the first letter goes to
Ryland, Mosier and Tibbett.
- Wait a minute.

- What's the matter?
- This doesn't work.

- Oh, no. That works from
the switch over here.
- Oh.

There we are.

- What did you do to
it? Pull the - - Yeah.

There.

Oh, darn it. I'm always
having trouble with that switch.

Remind me to call the electrician
on Monday, will you, please?

Oh, you don't need an electrician
for a simple thing like that.

Well, I am certainly not going to
fool around with electrical things.

Harry, in the office you're
always talking about saving money.

Now you want to waste
money on an electrician.

Get me a screwdriver.

A screwdriver? Do you
know how to fix those things?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

- It's probably just a loose wire
behind the plate here.
- I see.

Hang on. There's a screwdriver.

My goodness. You really
know what you're doing?

Sure I do.

Good heavens, Harry.
I've fixed dozens of these.

Really?

If I wasted my money
on an electrician every

time I had one of
these little things to do

- I'd never get anyplace.
- Oh, well.

There you are.

Oh, are you in trouble.

Your pigtails are flapping.

My what are what?

Your pigtails are flapping.

- Pigtails?
- Yeah. They're all undone.

We're gonna have to get
them all connected again.

Oh, I see. I see. How do you
do that? How do you do that?

Well, we have to find
the wires to connect with.

They're down in here someplace.

Harry, your
conduit is in trouble.

- It is?
- Yeah, it snapped off down below.

Oh, what do we do now?

Well, the wires are down in here
someplace. I'll just see is I can get them.

Oh, all right. Fine.

Can you find them?
Have you got them?

I can't reach anything. Here,
you try. Your arm is longer.

Feel around here for the four
wires, and that's your pigtails.

- Ah-ha.
- You got them?

- Yeah.
- All right. Now get a good firm grip.

- Now just pull them up slowly.
- All right.

- All of them. And then I'll
just connect them on there.
- All right.

Now, I-just pull them out.

What's the matter?

I'm stuck.

What do you mean you're stuck?

I can't get my
arm out. It's stuck.

Oh, come on now, Harry.
Now, look, just relax.

Don't get all
excited. Just relax.

Just relax all your muscles.

- Now, I'll give a good just steady pull.
- All right.

A steady pull. Now
one, two, three.

Gah!

For heaven sake.

Will you look at this?

You know, I once had an outfit made of the
same material, and it didn't wear at all.

If I were you I would
take this back to the tailor.

Will you stop flapping your
lip and get me out of here?

Well, I was just trying to tell
you about the rotten material.

I don't want to hear
about the rotten material.

Get me out of
here. I'm still stuck.

- Come on now, do something.
- All right, Harry.

Take it easy now.

- Just take it - - Oh!
Don't break my neck.

Oh, geez.

Harry, now control yourself.

Do you have a crowbar?

- A crowbar?
- Yeah, do you have one?

Well, no home would be
complete without a crowbar.

Fine, where is it?

I don't have a crowbar!

- All right, all right.
- Oh, you.

Here, this'll do.

What -What are you going to do?

Now, just listen to me. I'm going to score
a little piece of the wall right in here.

Then I'm going to tap it lightly, and
then you'll be able to get your arm out.

- Well, be careful.
- Okay.

- I'll be careful. Right.
- Very careful.

- What's the matter with you?
- Oh, I'm ticklish.

Control yourself, Harry.

All right, now. I'm going to give it
a good sharp tap, and it'll break off.

What will break off?!

The wall, the wall.

Oh, well, be sure
it isn't my arm.

Oh, I can't watch this. Gee.

Oh, boy.

Whoever hung those pictures sure
didn't know what they were doing.

And of course you
know what you're doing.

Yes, I do.

Well, then get me out of here.

Alrighty.

- What? What?
- Now just -

Now look what you did.

Well, I'm sorry. You can always
hang one of those pictures over it.

Anyway, now you
can get your arm out.

I don't think I ought to
take my arm out right now.

Why not?

Because if I do, pow,
right in the kisser!

Oh, now, Harry, I'm
only trying to help.

Now, come on, get your arm out.

I can't get it out.
It's still stuck.

All right. All right.
Okay. Now just relax.

- You're stuck in between those
two by fours.
- Yeah, well, all right.

- Fine. All right.
- Okay, one, two, three.

There we go.

- Oh, Harry, I'm sorry.
- Don't touch me!

And you made me
let go of the wire.

What?! How could
you be so clumsy?

Me?! Just look what
you've done to me.

- All right, Harry. Harry?
- What?

Now, listen, that's easy to
fix. I'll sew your sleeves on.

Oh, no, you won't.

I wouldn't let you within 100 miles of
me with anything as sharp as a needle.

Okay, okay. I'll get your sleeve
and you can have your tailor fix it.

Oh, why do these things
happen to me? Why?

- Why me?
- I can see your sleeve down there.

- And hey, I think I see the wires.
- What?

I am going to
call the electrician.

You are going to do
nothing of the kind.

Now, you just stand back there.

You're not going to waste
any money on an electrician.

All right now.

Here's your sleeve.

Oh, your sleeve is
stuck on something.

There it is.

There you are.

And here are the wires.

- Well, good. [phone ringing]
- I'll get it.

Hello?

No, I'm sorry. Wrong number.

Now look what you did.

I'm sorry, but at
least we got the wires.

You got the conduit,
and it's empty.

- Empty?
- Yes.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

Well, I'm just gonna
have to find those wires.

No, you are not.

You've done enough
damage. I'll find the wires.

Be my guest.

Oh, I think I see them.

- I think I do. I think I see them.
- That's good.

At lest we didn't open
the wall for nothing.

Stop it. Stop it.

I've taken all I'm going to.
I'm going to call the electrician.

Now, what do you want to do
that for? We're almost finished.

So is the house!

Oh, Harry, listen. Now, listen.

Come here.

- Now, listen.
- What?

Maybe if I crawl through
here and get behind the wall

I might be able
to see those wires.

No, no, no. You mustn't do that.

It might be very dangerous
going in there in the dark.

You get tangled
up in those wires.

You'll get a terrible
shock, just the way I did.

Go ahead.

Yeah, I'm gonna
have to knock this out.

Here.

- Oh, boy, is it dark in here.
- Oh, is it? Yeah.

Yeah.

Have you found anything?

- Well, I haven't found anything yet.
- Oh.

Oh, listen.

That conduit broke off
near the fireplace, didn't it?

Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah, right here.

Oh, I found one. I found one.

Oh, good. Good.

- I pull it back to the switchbox.
- All right.

That was the telephone wire!

- For the love of - -
Oh, here's another one.

Harry!

- Harry!
- What?

Harry, help me.
Help me. Help me.

- Where are you?
- Oh, Harry.

- Harry!
- What?

- Harry?
- What?

- Harry, where are you?
- What?

Ah!

Harry, there's an
animal in there.

It's a wild beast.

It's got gleaming eyes
and claws and fangs,

and it snarled at me,
and it attacked me.

Get the police.

Get a g*n.

Get that monster.

There's your monster.

Well, what's new, pussycat?

I'll tell you what's
new, pussycat.

You've ruined my
suit, ripped up the wall,

ripped out the telephone, and
you have shattered my chandelier.

Oh, go home to mother.

- Hey, Harry, I found the wires.
- What?

- Oh, where? Where?
- Over there.

- They seem to go around
back of the fireplace.
- Back of the fireplace?

Yeah. Look, I'm just gonna get
up in there and loosen a few bricks.

No, you are not!

I will take care of
things from now on.

I'll look for the wire.
You're not gonna-oh.

- You want the poker?
- Hey!

It's awfully dark in here.

- You want a match?
- Yes, please. Give me a match.

I can't see a thing.

Oh, I can't see a thing.

- Here you are.
- Oh!

What's the matter?

You set fire to my necktie.

- Then you won't need the match.
- Give me the box.

Give me the box. I'll have
to have something here.

Thank you.

Oh, I can't see any
sign of wires in here.

Well, of course you
can't, Harry. You're

gonna have to loosen
some bricks like I said.

Now start over here.

Why did you do that?

- Well, now, Harry,
I - - Never mind!

Come in.

Mother, we're gonna be late for
the game. What's keeping you?

Oh, my gosh. What happened?

Oh, you know your Uncle Harry.
He can never do anything right.

We were looking
for some loose wires.

Where's Craig?

Well, he's outside. He wants to
make sure everybody sees his uniform.

Oh.

What did you say
you were looking for?

Some loose wires.

- Some loose wires?
- Yeah.

Hey, here's some loose wires.

- Where? Where?
- Right here.

Oh, well, thank goodness someone
in this family has intelligence.

- Where are those wires?
- Right here.

Let’s see.

Oh, Uncle Harry,
you feeling any better?

Yeah, a little since I
took those tranquilizers.

How many did you take, Harry?

Two.

Oh, they're so mild.

Two aren't enough.

- Two bottles.
- Oh.

Well, that should be enough.

Yes, and I have
had enough of you.

- Oh, now - - For
your information,

now I not only have to call
the electrician but the plumber,

the painter, the plasterer
and the telephone company.

Come in.

And furthermore, whatever they charge
me I am going to deduct from your salary.

- What salary?
- Hey, what's taking you so long?

Oh, boy. What happened in here?

Hurricane Lucy.

We're trying to find
some loose wires.

- Loose wires?
- Yeah.

Well, let me look. I
have an eye like an eagle.

An eye like an eagle.
Well, that's logical.

You've got a bird
brain for a mother!

What are you doing with that?

I need some light
so I can see in there.

You won't get any light
out of that. It doesn't work.

Oh, it will if you plug it in.

Plug it in?!