01x19 - A Date for Lucy

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Hi, Roger.

Good evening.

Hello.

I give up. What is it?

I really don't believe I gave
you permission to speak.

Really, I didn't.

Well, I'm terribly sorry.

I just wanted to find out if
you'd have lunch with me.

Lunch with you, a peasant?

Yes, Your Highness.

I thought we might go to
Herbie's Hamburger joint.

Me eat at a hamburger joint?

Me, whose presence has been requested
at the social event of the season,

the Stanley Llewellyn's
annual soiree.

Lucy really?

Oh, I'm so impressed.

Yeah, so am I.

Here, sit down.

Gee, I'm so excited.

Sit down.

Until I receive permission I
never sit in the presence of royalty.

Oh, Mary Jane, sit down.

Oh, it's so exciting.

Isn't it?

What are you going to wear?

Gee, I don't know.

I think I'm going to have to rent
something from that place that has

movie stars clothes, you know.

Oh, yeah.

And who are you taking?

Well, I can't make up my mind.

Right now it's a toss-up between
Rock Hudson and Gregory Peck.

Why don't you ask
Richard Burton?

What, and have Elizabeth Taylor
mad at me the rest of her life?

But you know, Mary Jane,
that really is a problem.

There just aren't any eligible
bachelors around anymore.

Boy, isn't that the truth.

- Hey, Lucy, - What?

I heard Mr. Carter's
invited to the party.

He is?

Yeah, why don't you
get him to take you?

Go to a party with
my brother-in-law?

Blah.

It's like taking
ants to a picnic.

Well, you can't go alone.

And I just thought if
you're really desperate.

Yeah, well, I am
kind of desperate.

Maybe I'd better try to
talk him in to taking me.

Oh, sure, honey.

Listen, I have to
get back to the office.

What about lunch?

It's a date.

Fine.

And listen, good
luck with Mr. Carter.

Oh, yeah, that's one
party I don't want to miss.

You know, sometimes
they even have royalty there?

Imagine me dancing with a duke.

Don't step on any royal toes.

Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye, honey.

See you later.

I beg your pardon.

Why I would be
delighted, Your Highness.

This is a business office,

not Old Vienna.

Yes, sir.

To work, to work, to work.

Carter's Unique Employment Agency,
unusual jobs for unusual people.

The carnival?

You need a man to be
shot out of a cannon?

No, I'm afraid that's
a little too unusual.

Sorry, sir.

That's ridiculous.

Yeah, but the price was right.

Five dollars a mile and
carfare back to the cannon.

Harry.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, no
Harry during office hours.

Sorry.

Mr. Carter.

Yes?

I hear you were invited
to the Llewellyn affair.

True, true.

To be invited to that
affair is a real social plum.

Yes, I've been invited, too.

My plum just
shriveled to a prune.

That's very funny.

It was amusing, I know.

You know, I haven't decided
whom to go with as yet.

When you do be sure to
notify Huntley and Brinkley.

Oh, there's that
sense of humor again.

You know, I had forgotten
how much fun you are to be with.

You are really charming.

I know.

Say, I have an idea.

Why don't you take
me to the party?

Why don't I take you?

Ooh, what a legion of
answers that conjures.

To pick one at random, because
I want to enjoy the evening.

Oh, all right.

Besides that I already have a date with
the socially prominent Lady Agatha Warren.

Well, why didn't you
say so in the first place?

Because you didn't ask me.

Oh, what a stale answer.

Oh, what happened to
my great sense of humor?

Well, look, you just lost
yourself a very g*y companion.

I want you to know that in high school
I was voted the fun girl of our group.

Which group was that, the
prohibitionists or the suffragettes?

Hello, may I speak to
Mr. Dixon Graff, please.

Yes, Lucy Carter calling.

Well, I haven't seen
him for a long time,

but I'm an old friend.

Is this his secretary?

Oh, his wife.

Sorry, wrong Dixon Graff.

Hello there.

Is Mr. Paul Wilcox in, please?

Oh, is this his son?

His grandson?

Never mind.

No luck, huh?

Oh, I didn't want to go
to the old party anyway.

Hey, mom, I just had an idea.

I've got the
perfect date for you.

His name is Tony Rivera.

You think his mother
will let him out?

Mother, he's not a child.

He's old.

He's your age.

Well, where would you
meet a man in his 4 -late 30s?

Last week when Craig and I
entertained at the Donaldson party.

He was very nice.

He even offered to get
Craig and me better jobs.

Oh?

I wish I were old
enough for him.

He's tall, handsome, suave.

He's a beautiful
dresser, fabulous dancer.

He's obviously wealthy, and
he's got a groovy personality.

Well, he sounds too good.

Maybe we better bronze
him and turn him into a statue.

Honest, mom, it'd be perfect.

Wouldn't it Craig?

Absolutely.

What'd I just agree to?

Tony Rivera would be a
perfect date for mother.

Yeah.

Hey, mom, he's a real sharp guy.

He even sat in with us
and played the drums.

You should have heard him.

That's just what I need,
another drum player.

You want me to call him?

I've got his phone number.

No, thank you very much.

I'm sure he's very
respectable, mother,

or he wouldn't be
invited to the Donaldson's.

Let's call him.

Kim, Craig, now listen to me.

I appreciate your help,
but I'm a big girl and

I'm perfectly capable
of getting my own dates.

True, they haven't been
beating a path to my door,

but I'm very selective.

Well, so are we and
we select Tony Rivera.

I'll drink to that.

Never mind.

I have more important things to do
than worry about going to that dull party.

Oh, isn't that
just like a parent?

You try to help them
and they won't even listen.

It's the generation gap.

Uh-huh.

The generation gap.

And there's nothing
we can do about it.

Nope.

It's gonna be with us just as
long as parents are older than kids.

Hey, Craig, why don't we invite
Mr. Rivera over here to see us?

After all, he was very
friendly at the party.

Yeah.

Hey, that's not a bad idea.

When do you think we
should ask him over?

Well, let's see.

Mother gets her hair
done Saturday morning.

That's when she's
looking her best.

Ask him if he can come
over Saturday afternoon.

Okay.

Don't mention it to mother.

The only way it's going to
work is if we surprise her.

All right.

Wait a minute, isn't this kind
of sneaky and underhanded?

Yes.

Just checking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mary Jane.

Well, I had to cancel my
appointment at the beauty shop

because I had so
much work to do here.

Yeah, among other things I
decided to clean out the garage.

Yeah, I've been sloshing
around out there all morning.

Remember, the old days when
they used to keep cars in the garage

instead of everything else?

No, no.

I don't have a date yet.

Seems as if all the men I know are
very unsocial or on Social Security.

Well, girl, fill me in
on all the latest gossip.

She did?

He will?

Oh, they're not.

Oh, Mary Jane, you shouldn't
be spreading a story like that.

Tell me more.

Oh, the door.

It's probably my dress.

Come in.

Go ahead, Mary Jane.

Just put it down anyplace.

I don't believe it.

Oh, I believe it.

I believe it.

Ah, come on.

Goodbye.

Afternoon.

I'm Tony Rivera.

Tony Rivera?

Yes, I have an appointment
with Kim and Craig.

I guess I'm a little early.

Do I have the pleasure
of speaking to Mrs. Carter?

Do you have the pleasure
of speaking to Mrs. Carter?

No, no.

I'm the maid and the
kids will be home soon.

And I've got to
go do the laundry.

That's a closet.

I'm kind of new here.

- Oh, Mr. Rivera.
- Hello, Kim.

Mother.

She ain't in, missy.

Oh, mother, for heaven sakes.

Well, trapped.

Hello, honey.

I confess, Mr. Rivera,
I'm Mrs. Carter,

but I sure didn't want you to
know who I was looking like this.

But if you want to know the
truth, I am the maid around here.

Oh, Mrs. Carter, I've seen the
best-dressed women of New York,

London, Rome and Paris, and I
don't believe any of them could look

better than you do in
coveralls and a baseball cap.

Oh, well, I heard you were
charming, but my gosh.

[Laughs] Kim, why didn't you tell
me you were expecting Mr. Rivera?

Well, I didn't think
it was necessary.

Besides, you usually look
your best on Saturdays.

Oh, you mean I
usually get my-oh, yeah,

well, I-Well, don't worry, mom.

After all, you've already beaten
out all those other beautiful women in

New York, London,
Paris and Rome.

Yes, indeed.

Well, gee, I'd have settled for

Anaheim, Mezuzah and Cucamonga.

Well, I sure hate to
tamper with perfection,

but I think I'd better
go tidy up a little.

So if you'll excuse me.

Of course.

Well, it's nice to
see you again, Kim.

Thank you.

Mr. Rivera, would you
be available Friday night?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm flying to London
on Thursday.

Oh, that's too bad.

Why?

What did you have in mind?

Well, I just had a hunch you might
be invited to the Llewellyn party.

The Stanley Llewellyn's?

Uh-huh.

And the invitation might come from a mature
woman who looks great in a baseball cap.

Oh, well, it would
be a pleasure.

I can go to London anytime.

Oh, thank you.

Mother will be down soon.

Won't you sit down?

Oh, can I get you a drink?

Oh, I mean like a
root beer or something.

I'd love a root beer.

Oh, Kim, can I use the phone?

Oh, certainly.

Help yourself.

Thank you.

Hello, Harvey.

Now hear this.

The London trip is off.

We're staying in town.

And dust off your butler
uniform we're going to a party.

Of course it's important.

Some of the best jewelry
in town will be there.

Oh.

Oh, good evening, Harrison.

Good evening, Lucille.

Lady Warren, may I
present Mrs. Lucille Carter.

Mrs. Carter?

Yes.

She's my sister-in-law.

Lady Warren, Mr. Carter,
may I present Mr. Rivera.

Charmed.

Enchanter.

Mrs. Carter, you look
very familiar to me.

Did I meet you last
summer in Vienna?

Oh, well, I don't
really believe so.

I have never been to any of
the Scandinavian countries.

She's only a Carter by marriage.

Oh, Lady Warren, that is the most
magnificent diamond I have ever seen.

Oh, thank you.

Why, that is the
famous Star of Morocco.

Oh really?

Oh boy.

I'll bet when it left the country
the whole place went dark.

Can I get some of you charming
people some hors d'ouvres?

Oh, no.

Oh, I'd love some, Tony.

Oh, that really is beautiful.

Would you care to
help yourself, sir?

That is exactly
what I had in mind.

And tonight we're
concentrating on Lady Warren.

First the bracelet, then
the Star of Morocco.

The Star of Morocco?

She's got it on.

She's wearing it.

Very good, sir.

And for such choice baubles
may I suggest the red sauce?

Ladies?

No, thank you.

Thank you.

Lady Warren, oh, that is
such a beautiful bracelet.

I bet there are over


Well, I really couldn't say.

It's vulgar to count them.

Oh, I know.

I never count mine.

A toast to a lovely lady
who has everything,

including me, I hope.

Oh.

As a business
associate, of course.

Here you are, Lucy.

Oh, thank you.

Lady Warren, when you were in Vienna did
you run in to Pepe and Frieda Holshausen?

No, I don't think I did.

Although the name
does seem very familiar.

Oh, they're a fine family.

You know, Pepe's
quite an art connoisseur.

Oh, pardon me.

Is that something
in your champagne?

Oh, no.

It's just a big bubble.

Oh, I'm sorry, Lucy.

I forgot to bring you
some c*ck sauce.

Here you are, Lucy.

You know, Lady Warren, my friend
Pepe is a great devotee of Autrille.

Ah.

By the way, have you
seen the Autrille in the den?

No.

Oh, you must.

Will you excuse us
a moment, please?

Of course.

Naturally.

Of course.

Seems like a nice fella.

Where did you meet him?

What's the matter, Lucy?

You're pale.

Harry, ask me what
Mr. Rivera does for a living.

This is no time to
play what's my line.

All right. All right.

What does Mr. Rivera
do for a living?

He's a jewel thief.

That's interesting.

I'm serious.

Oh, now, Lucy, for
heaven sake, don't -

But he is. He is.

He stole Lady Warren's bracelet.

Did you see him steal it?

Well, no.

No, I didn't see him steal it.

Oh, you didn't see?

He did and he hid it in
a bowl of c*ck sauce.

That's logical.

All right, Harry.

I'll prove it to you.

I'll fish it out of
the c*ck sauce.

You do that.

While you're at it why don't
you dive for some pearls?

Sir, I lost my emerald ring
around here someplace.

Now, I do believe it might
have rolled under the table.

Would you look for it, please?

Certainly madam.

Thank you.

What do you know,
I lost my shrimp.

Madam, I can't seem to -

Look down at the
other end of the table.

I'm sorry, madam.

I just wasn't able
to find your ring.

Oh, that's quite all right.

I have scads of them.

Oh?

Okay, Harry.

Now are you convinced?

You found that in
the c*ck sauce?

Would you like
to try a taste test?

Now do you believe me?

He is a jewel thief.

Now what are we
going to do about it?

I suggest you do nothing.

Let's not have any heroics.

My friend here has a g*n.

It has pearl handles so he
can use it at formal parties.

Now, is there anything
you wish to say?

Yes. This is the last time
I'm inviting you anyplace.

Now see here, Rivera.

You cannot intimidate me.

Oh, you can.

And if you suddenly find yourself
dead you'll know the butler did it.

You know, there is
one alternative here.

Why don't you two join Harvey
and me in our little venture?

With the Star of Morocco we have
a nice little nest egg to begin with?

You mean we could become crooks?

To put it bluntly, yes.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm sorry to
hear you say that, Lucy.

I've become rather fond of you.

Now we'll gather up our little
baubles and we'll all leave quietly,

hmm?

You cheated.

That's not fair.

Shall we be going?

Maestro, something
spirited, please.

Nice going.

Nice going, Lucy.

Call the police.
Call the police.

Here, you hang on to those.

I've been robbed.
I've been robbed.

They've taken everything.

Oh, you.

You're the crook.

I should have known it because
your eyes are too close together.

No, not Harry.

He's the crook.

Oh, no.

Yes.

He can't be.

He's so charming.

He's so handsome.

He looks just like Cesar Romero.

Well, lady, I came
to bury Cesar,

not to praise him.