01x23 - Lucy and Tennessee Ernie's Fun Farm

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Morning, ma'am.

Oh, good morning.

My name is Ernie Epperson.

Oh, good morning,
Mr. Epperson. Can I help you, sir?

Oh, help is what I need,
ma'am. Help for my farm, that is.

Oh, are you a farmer?

Well, I ain't that Omar Sharif on
the way home from a square dance.

- Well, won't you sit down, sir? Sit down.
- Thank you very much. Thank you.

Where is your
farm, Mr. Epperson?

Broken Plow, California.

It's a suburb of Calabasas.

Oh.

Calabasas. Oh, then you
don't live far from Los Angeles.

Not far enough.

When I drove in to town this
morning there was so much fog

I couldn't even see the smog.

Yeah, the smog only
comes out on nice days.

I hear it's a sight
for sore eyes.

That it is.

If you've finished with
your weather report

I'm sure that Mr. Epperson
would like to get down to business.

Oh, I ain't the hurrying kind.

Would you believe it, ma'am,

when I was driving down here
this morning in my Model T,

a motorcycle policeman
stopped me for going too slow.

Well, I hope he
didn't give you a ticket.

No. I just said to
this policeman, I said,

"Old buddy, this car
couldn't go any faster if it

was spring and it was
chasing another Model T."

Well, I'm glad he
didn't give you a ticket.

Oh, he was right nice. But
I'll tell you something, ma'am.

What's that?

Some of these city people
are downright un-neighborly.

What do you mean?

Well, where I'm from, when
you see a stranger you say,

"Howdy, neighbor,"

not "stick 'em up."

Don't tell me you were
involved in a robbery.

I think that's what he was fixing
to do until I grabbed his g*n.

You took his g*n away from him?

Oh, no, I wouldn't do that.

The g*n was his
personal property.

I just squeezed the barrel
shut with my milking hand.

Well, that should have
taught him a lesson.

It broke him from
sucking eggs for a while.

Tell me, Mr. Epperson, what
kind of help were you looking for?

Well, hired hands for the farm:

plow pushers, pea pickers,
corn shuckers, tater planters.

I'm gettin' sick and tired of
trying to do it all by myself.

At the end of the day I don't know whether
to wind my watch or bark at the moon.

Well, that must
be very difficult.

Hard to get help.

Everybody's movin'
away from the country,

especially the young'uns.

Well, I'm afraid we don't
have any farm help available.

Well, then I guess I just won't be
able to put out any crop this year.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, gee.

I wish there was some
way I could help you.

- Do you know what I can't figure out?
- What's that?

All the country folks are leaving
their farms to go to work in the city.

And all the city folks are
working like pack mules

to get to spend two
weeks out in the country.

Yeah.

Hey, that might be your answer.

What do you mean?

Make your farm a place where people can
go and relax and get close to nature again.

Why, you could even get people to do all
your chores and pay you for the privilege.

Well, how could I do that?

By making it sound like fun.

Have pea picking and
corn shucking contests,

tater planting and
butter churning events.

You can get all your work done and make
more money than you ever dreamed of.

Say, a place like that
could be a gold mine.

Sure. All we have
to do is advertise.

Just tell people where it
is and how to get there.

We've got a television station back
home that goes all the way to Los Angeles.

Well, good.

We'll go on television and
show the people how much nicer

being on a farm is
than living in a dirty city.

And I, sir, will be happy to
pay for the television time

just to get you started.

Well, gee, I'd be mighty
obliged for your help,

but it just don't seem proper to accepting
generosity like that from a stranger.

A stranger?

Partner, neighbor.

Partner.

Harry, that's great.
Oh, wait till I tell the kids.

- Yeah.
- Well, Ernie, I guess you're all set, huh?

You folks are sure nice to me.

I tell you, most city folks make
me feel just about as welcome

as a cold-nosed
dog in a nudist camp.

Friends, are you jumpy?

Do you have the
whips and jingles?

Has the tension of city life got
you as jumpy as a long-tailed cat

in a roomful of rocking chairs?

Then come to Uncle
Ernie's Fun Farm

and get away from the strain of
city living that causes scenes like this.

Let's look in on
a typical family.

- Who is it?
- It's me.

Open the door. I forgot my key.

Come on, hurry up!

I'm coming.

Well, hurry.

A man gets home from work,
can't even get into his own house.

Welcome home.

Home?

You call this pigpen a home?

It is now that you're
here, Porky Pig.

Oh, look who's talking,
the Bride of Frankenstein.

Sheldon, all you
ever do is criticize;

never a kind word
or a compliment.

Do you know how long it's been since you
said anything nice about the way I look?

Yes, since I got my glasses.

- Oh, you can be so irritating.
- I'm not irritating.

Yes, you are.

I'll get your dinner.

Well, hurry up.

Yes.

What are you doing?

I'm defrosting the pot roast.

Where are our
dear little monsters?

That's no way to talk
about your children.

Hey, the Jolly
Green Giant's home.

Yeah, we heard.

Who's winning?

All right, you smart-alecks.

Just once when I
get home from work

I'd like to be treated like
a member of this family.

Okay, man, but you don't
know what you're getting into.

I'm always glad
to see you, daddy.

Can we have our allowance?

Oh, so that's why
you're glad to see me?

Yeah, well, we want to get our
allowance before you see our report cards.

Ah-ha! Bad marks again.

Well, I - I hope you're
proud of your children.

Oh, every time they get their
report cards they're my children.

Yell at me all you want but stay
on the nest. I want my dinner.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Sheldon, it ain't fair to blame the
kids for not doing well in school.

These days the schools
are so overcrowded.

Of course they're overcrowded.

With kids like these
no one ever graduates.

Right.

It isn't their fault. It's the
pressures of city living that's doing it.

Everything is pressure,
pressure, pressure.

I just wish there was an
answer to this problem.

Come in.

I think I have an
answer to your problem.

What's that?

Uncle Ernie's Fun Farm.

[all together] Uncle
Ernie's Fun Farm?

You betcha.

Come to Uncle Ernie's Fun Farm
and enjoy our peaceful, simple life.

And remember,

[singing] we're only


people all breathing fresh air.

Even a hog smells
better than smog

when you're 45
minutes from there.

My, that sounds wonderful.

- Yeah, it sure does.
- That's a gas.

Well, at last we found
something we all agree on.

Yeah, let's go there next week.

Let's go this week.

- Let's go tomorrow.
- Let's go tonight.

No, next week. Tomorrow's
my hair day. I gotta go next week.

- Why can't we - - We will
go next - [inaudible arguing]

Now, folks, let's take a look at that
same miserable family of city dwellers

after just a few days on
Uncle Ernie's Fun Farm.

♪ Singing ♪ What a
wonderful day like today.

I defy any cloud to
appear in the sky,

dare any raindrop to fall in my
eye on a wonderful day like today.

On a day like today I
could kiss everybody.

I'm so full of
love and goodwill.

Let me say furthermore I adore everybody
to come and dine the pleasures mine

and I will pay the bill.

May I take this vacation to say

that the whole human
ration go down on its knees,

show them we're grateful
for mornings like these,

for the world is a wonderful way

on a wonderful day like today.

Zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-ay,

my, oh my, what a wonderful day.

Plenty of sunshine
heading my way.

Zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-ay.

Mr. Blue Bird on my shoulder.

It's the truth. It's actual.

Everything is satisfactual.

Zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-ay,

wonderful feeling,

wonderful day.

Zip-a-dee-do-dah.

♪ Singing ♪ You wake up in
the morning and the rooster crows

c*ck-a-doodle doo.

You wake up in the morning
and the ducks quack-quack.

Quack-quack.

The chicks peep-peep.

The turkeys gobble.

Sheep baa-baa.

The cows moo-moo.

You might think it's
an awful squabble,

quack-quack, moo,
peep-peep, baa,

c*ck-a-doodle doo.

To me that's heavenly music.

That's heavenly music to me.

Some folks like
the noise of the city,

and they think the
barnyard songs ain't a pretty.

They even say it
mostly sounds off-key.

Still it's heavenly music to me.

The chicks peep-peep.

The turkeys gobble.

The sheep baa.

The cows moo-moo.

You might think it's
an awful squabble,

quack-quack, moo,
a peep-peep, bah,

c*ck-a-doodle doo.

To me that's heavenly music,

that's heavenly music to me.

[yodeling]

Still it's heavenly music to me.

To me that's heavenly music.

That's heavenly music to me.

[yodeling]

Yes, it's heavenly music,

heavenly music,

yes, it's heavenly music to me.

Uncle Ernie's Fun Farm,

might pleased to get your call.

Glad to make your reservations.

If y'all come
you'll have a ball.

♪ Singing ♪ Oh,
you just want some

information about what
our farm is all about?

It's the latest fad for recreation,
of that there is no doubt.

But to give you all the details
about this fun farm that is his,

we will put on Uncle
Ernie. He will tell it like it is.

♪ Singing ♪ When it comes to
fancy dancing or to music with a smile

or to nice romancing,
make yours country style.

When it comes to
arms that hold you,

eyes that smile about a
mile, like I just now told you,

make yours country style.

Hear that fiddle.

I could listen all night.

Hear that banjo.

Ain't that something?

Turn right.

Give the city living up, now
come and stay here for a while.

Come and fill your cup now.

Y'all come.

[all] Y'all come.

Y'all come.

[all] Y'all come.

Oh, y'all come and
leave that city strife.

Y'all come.

[all] Y'all come.

Y'all come.

[all] Y'all come.

Oh, y'all come and
lead the lazy life.

♪ Singing ♪ We are the
rancheros, g*y companeros,

free from the care and strife.

Now we are poodles
riding on noodles.

We love the simple life.

♪ Singing ♪ And
I wake up in a place

where I can Mother
Nature to get by.

And the only hustle bustle is
the rustle of an ox wing on the fly.

And I've got the kind of neighbors
who never are too busy to say hi.

And I find no row tough to hoe when I
bend my knee and look up to the sky.

And if that's not living,
friend, then all I got to say

God didn't make
little green apples.

It don't rain in Indianapolis
in the summertime.

And there's no such
thing as Dr. Seuss,

Disneyland and Mother
Goose. No nursery rhymes.

God didn't make
little green apples.

It don't rain in Indianapolis
in the summertime.

And when I'm feeling all aglow

somehow I always seem
to know why I'm content.

The promise of a fresh
plowed field to keep me busy

and a long-eared dog that stops his
play to greet me when I come home to eat.

And what a fuss he makes
when he comes down to meet me,

telling me I'm late.

And after supper little ones,
all tuckered out and all tucked in

to play another day.

And if that's not living,
friends, then all I got to say,

God didn't make
little green apples.

It don't snow in Minneapolis
when the winter comes.

And there's no such
thing as make-believe,

puppy dogs and autumn
leaves and BB g*ns.

God didn't make
little green apples.

It don't rain in Indianapolis
in the summertime.

When I'm feeling all aglow,

somehow I always seem
to know why I'm content.

Yes.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen.

Yes, indeed, ladies and
gentlemen, for real nice living

y'all come to Uncle
Ernie's Fun Farm.

You'll be just as welcome
as a dumpling in the gravy.

♪ Singing ♪ So y'all come,

y'all come,

y'all come and see
us when you can.

Y'all come, y'all
come, y'all come,

y'all come and see
us now and then.

Hold your hands and travel down south
and maybe a little moonshine in your mouth.

Chicken in the bread
pan picking out dough?

Granny will your dog
bite? No, child, no.

Grab your partner,
pat her on the head.

If she don't like biscuits
feed her cornbread.

Y'all come, y'all
come, y'all come,

y'all come to see
us when you can.

Y'all come!