01x24 - Lucy Helps Craig Get a Driver's License

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

What? What?

Craig, what's going on?

It's my birthday, mom.

Oh, of course.

Congratulations, honey.

Thank you.

Oh boy, 16 years ago
today you were born.

Yep.

You know you haven't changed?

What do you mean?

You woke me up
early that morning, too.

Why the bugle?

Today is D-Day.

- D-Day?
- Yep.

Today I get my driver's license.

Oh, that's right.

Hey, and listen, you promised
to drive me down there.

So get dressed. I
want to get right over.

At 5:00 in the morning?

What time do they open?

At 8:00 but no sense
waiting till the last minute.

Oh, Craig. We've
got plenty of time.

You go back to
your room and relax.

No, if I go back to my room
you're gonna go back to sleep.

No, I'm awake. Once
I'm awake, I'm awake.

Don't worry about me.

I'm up. I'm up. I'm up.

All right.

- Get dressed.
- All right.

Come on, mom, hurry up.
You're going to make me late.

Oh, Craig, it's only a quarter to


Come on now, young man,

if I were you I'd study the
driver's manual while I'm waiting.

Mom, that's all I've been
doing for the past six months.

Are you sure you
know everything?

Oh, boy. If he studied his biology as
much as he studies that driver's manual

he'd be able to
do brain surgery.

Well, you know driving is
a big responsibility, Craig.

When I was your age
and took my driving test

I didn't make a single
mistake on the road.

I stopped at every crossing,
made every turn perfectly.

Gee, you must have
had a pretty smart horse.

I was only kidding, mom.
Can't you take a joke?

Not when it happens to be true.

Relax, Craig.

I am relaxed. What time is it?

Thirty-nine seconds later
than the last time you asked.

Why don’t you sit
down or something?

All right, I'll sit.

[makes car noises]

I'm practicing driving.

Yeah, and you seem to be
taking those corners a little too fast.

[makes car noises]

Now what are you doing?

I'm practicing parking.

Parking at your age with a girl?

Yeah. He doesn't even need
a learner's permit for that.

You know what I'm going
to do this Saturday night?

- What?
- I'm going to call Steve,

and we're going to ask Peggy
and Barbara to a drive-in movie.

Is that okay?

Well, 16 is kind of young to be
taking cares to drive-in movies.

Mom, I took a girl to a
drive-in movie when I was 12.

- You did?
- Yeah, on his bicycle.

How do you know?

I was the girl.

Come in.

- Oh, hi, Harry.
- Good morning, everybody.

Hi, Uncle Harry.

Surprise. What are
you doing here so early?

Well, I was on my
way to the office.

I thought I'd stop by and
congratulate Craig on his birthday.

- Oh, you remembered.
- Yes.

Many happy returns, my boy.

Thank you, Uncle Harry.

- And this is for you.
- Oh, thank you.

Yeah. Well, go
ahead, open it up.

Great.

Oh, boy, a book.

I knew you'd be thrilled.

Yeah, just what I always wanted,
Tom Swift and His Electric r*fle.

Yep. That was my favorite
book when I was 16.

- I bet it was.
- Yes, it was.

Well, I'd like to suggest
that you open that up.

There's a very special bookmark
in there. Go head, open it. Look at it.

- Hey, a check for $50.00.
- Fifty dollars?

Yeah, and when
you're 21 I'll sign it.

- Kim, should we give Craig
our presents now?
- Okay.

- Well, Craig, you're 16 now.
- Yes, sir.

- Practically a man.
- Practically.

I suppose in a year or two
you'll start going out with girls.

Uncle Harry, I've been going
out with girls since I was 13.

Thirteen? Oh.

There certainly is a big gap
between your generation and mine.

You know, when I was a lad
my mother was very protective.

I didn't go out with
girls until I was 21.

You mean you had no
interest in the opposite sex?

Oh, I had plenty of interest.

Well, why didn’t you
go out with them?

Because mother wouldn't tell
me which was the opposite sex.

Uncle Harry, the
opposite sex is the -

Yeah, I know, I know, I
know. And now I know.

- There you are, Craig.
- Oh, my. Look at all that.

- This is from me.
- Should I open it?

Yeah, go ahead.

Hey, that's a fantastic wallet.

Go look inside.

Oh, a $10.00 bill.

Can I spend it now or
do I have to wait till I'm 21.

You can spend it now.

I would suggest that you spend
half of it and invest the other half.

Oh, I'm going
to invest all of it.

Good.

Yeah. There's a little blonde around the
corner that looks like a good investment.

I meant bonds, not
- Oh, never mind.

- Here, happy birthday, Craig.
- Thanks, Kim.

- Hey, a sweater.
- Yeah, I knitted it myself.

- Do you like it?
- Yeah. Brown's my favorite color.

- Try it on, honey.
- Well, I hope it fits.

- Oh, it's a beauty.
- Oh, boy.

What kind of sweater is this?

It's a turtle neck.

It looks like it's all
neck and no turtle.

I guess I got a
little carried away.

Oh, now that's all right,
honey. You meant well.

You can unravel and do it again.

No. No, I like it this way.

If I keep it this way
I'll have the broadest

shoulders on the block
by turning the neck over.

Well, come on, Lucille, we
have a busy day ahead of us.

Oh, Harry, listen, I've got
to drive Craig down to the

Motor Vehicle Bureau
to get his driver's license.

Is it all right if I'm a
little bit late today?

Well, since it's his birthday
take a couple of hours off.

Oh, thank you.

Don't thank me. You
can make it up on Sunday.

Harry, you're all heart.

I know.

Craig, go back.

Why?

Because you finished
that test too quickly.

Mom, the questions were easy.

Don't be so confident.

But I knew all the answers.

Oh, okay,
Mr. Know-it-all. All right.

Just remember I warned you.

Honestly, you teenagers are all
the same. You're over-confident.

Next window, please.

You just think you know
everything. That's all. You won't listen.

You have to learn the hard way.

Young man, I want
to tell you something.

You see? You see, I told you.

Go ahead. Tell him. Tell him.

You're the first person in three days
to answer every question correctly.

My son got 100
percent and he's only 16.

Mom, you're embarrassing
me. Everybody's looking at us.

Oh, don't be so modest.

They should all
have your confidence.

Where do we go next?

- For the eye test.
- The eye test.

It's over here.

Right here.

First letter is Z;
the next two are FP.

Madam, that's a no-no.

Mom, I'd rather do it myself.

Right over there, sir.
Have your picture taken.

Craig Carter.

Well, Craig, you think
you can read the sixth line.

Oh, yes, sir.

As a matter of fact I
can read the 12th line.

Twelfth line?

There are only 11
lines on the chart.

Well, I mean the one that says
"Made by the Acme Printing Company".

Go have your picture taken.

That you could see, huh?

But when I tell you to pick
your clothes up at home you say,

"Where, where, where?"

Now wait in the car for the inspector,
and he'll give you the road test.

Next.

Give me your right hand, please.

Just a minute,
what are you doing?

I'm taking his thumbprint.

He's not a criminal. You
don't have to fingerprint him.

Lady, we need some
kind of identification.

- If you need identification
he has a mole right back here.
- Mom,

don't make a fuss.

Look, I don't see why you're
being forced to give your fingerprints.

Lady, I've been with the License
Bureau for nearly 40 years,

and in all that time there were only three
persons who objected to fingerprinting.

Who were the other two?

Bonnie and Clyde.

Step around here, please.

Step up against this green backdrop
and stand behind the red line.

Now, turn your left
profile to the camera.

That's it.

Hold it.

Hold it. Why are
you taking his profile?

That's the way it's done.

But you took the man
before him full face. Why?

Because in the State of
California every driver under 21

has his picture
taken in profile.

Oh, there goes
Mr. Know-it-all again.

Why can't he have his
picture taken full face? Why?

Because in the state of
California every driver under 21

has to take his
picture in profile.

Well, you see. You only
learn if you ask questions.

- All right. Go ahead, take his picture.
- Thank you.

Now, make sure your
feet are behind the red line.

All right. Here we go.

Oh, hold it.

What now?

Take his other profile.
This is his good side.

Lady, we have to
take the left profile.

Why?

[together] Because in the state of
California every driver under the age of -

All right. All right. Go ahead.

- Make sure your feet are behind the line.
- Yes, sir.

- Are you ready, son?
- Yes, sir.

Are you ready, lady?

- Oh, hold it.
- Oh.

What now, mom?

I just want you to look neat, honey.
I don't like the way your hair looked.

- Now, get behind the red line.
- I know about the red line, mom.

Okay. All right. Put your
feet behind it. Go ahead.

Well, that does it.

Are you sure you got
a good picture of him?

Yes, ma'am, and
three great ones of you.

Where do we go now, sir?

Well, you go outside and wait
in your car for the inspector,

and he'll give
you the road test.

- Okay. Come on, mom.
- Next.

Now stand against this backdrop
here and your feet behind the red line.

Now face the camera.

- Ready, steady now.
- Listen.

Oh, not again.

I'm terribly sorry but
this is very important.

- Could you do me a favor?
- Anything.

If my son's picture comes out good
would you send me half a dozen wallet size?

I just don't have too many
good pictures of him. It's amazing.

He's a very handsome young boy,
but he just doesn't take a good picture.

I have only one really
good snapshot of him,

and it was taken when
he was three months old,

and he was on a bear-skin rug.

- And that's the one
where the mole - - Mom!

Oh, okay, dear.

Don't forget to send the pictures,
will you? Six wallet size, okay?

Okay?

Craig, I'm so proud of the way
you've passed every test so far.

Thanks, mom.

But the road test is the toughest
one at all. Are you nervous?

- No, I'm not nervous.
- Oh, okay.

Oh, I think this is the man.

Oh, really? How do you know?

They all have curly hair.

- How do you do.
- How do you do.

I'm Inspector Wilbur Harlow.

Yes. I'm Lucille Carter,
and this is my son Craig.

Hi.

Shall we get started?

Yes.

- Mrs. Carter?
- Yes.

I have to sit
next to the driver.

Oh. Oh, of course. I'm sorry.

Well, let’s go. Craig,
turn on the ignition.

It's right over there.

- And then put it in gear.
- Hold it. Hold it.

Madam, you can't sit
here during the test.

Oh, well, I have to. I get
carsick when I sit in the back.

You're not allowed to
sit here in the car at all.

Why not? It's my
car and he's my son.

Lady, you're wasting my time.

Well, then let's hurry.
Let's get on with the test.

Not with you sitting here.

- Okay. I won't sit here.
- Good.

I'll sit in the back.

I'll probably get carsick, but if it
makes you happy, why, I'll do it.

Lady, if it has absolutely-what you're
saying -if I -as far as I am concerned -

Control yourself, Wilbur.

You have only a few more
years to go before your pension.

All right, lady, it's
against the rules,

but let's get on with it.
You can sit in the back.

Thank you.

All right. You'd better
sit up and pay attention.

Mother, I should have listened
to you and been a plumber.

Okay. Start the car.

Now, Craig, to start the
car you turn on the ignition

- and you release the handbrake,
and don't forget - - Lady, lady.

- Yes.
- Do you have a seatbelt back there?

- Yes.
- Good.

Fasten it across your mouth.

Well!

Now, start the car.

Craig, you're going too fast.

Okay, mom.

Watch that car.

I see the car, mom.

Just take it easy,
honey. Take it easy.

Okay.

Oh, Craig. Please
be careful. Not so fast.

No, no. We're coming
to a light. Don't go so fast.

- Slow down, please. Slow down.
- You see, I told you. Slow down.

Not him. You.

Your mouth is going 60 miles
an hour in a 30-mile zone.

Well, I was only giving
him a few suggestions.

A few suggestions? You haven't
stopped talking since we started driving.

I just didn't want him
to make any mistakes.

His first mistake was
bringing you along.

For heaven sakes. I
was just trying to help.

If you want to help next time take a
bus next time and leave the driving to us.

Really.

At the next corner turn left.

No, don't turn left. Turn right.

Why right?

Because I want to pass the supermarket
and see if they have any specials.

Turn to the left.

Well, all right, Craig.
Get in the left lane.

Slow down.

All right, make the turn.

Craig, is your mother
making you nervous?

No, sir.

Well, she's driving me nuts.

Take me back.

Yes, sir.

Did I flunk my test?

Oh no, you passed.

If you can drive
under these conditions

you can drive at the
Indianapolis Speedway.

- Your license will be mailed to you
in a few days.
- Thank you, sir.

Congratulations, son.

This was a much tougher test
than the one I took in New York.

New York?

Yes.

Do you have an
out-of-state license?

Yes, I do.

When did you get it?

Oh, about five or six years ago.

Five or six years ago, hmm?

Yes, I've been
driving a long time.

May I see your license, please?

Yeah.

There you are.

How long have you
lived in California?

Three years.

Three years,

hmm. Ah.

Do you realize you're guilty
of at least four violations?

Four violations?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Four violations.

♪ Singing ♪
Every cloudy day has a silver lining.

What are those violations?

First, you should have gotten a California
license within ten days of moving here.

Second, you have
an incorrect address.

Third, this license
expired two years ago.

And fourth, this description
of you doesn't fit at all,

not at all.

What do you mean
it doesn't fit me?

- Name: Lucille Carter.
- That's right.

- Sex: Female.
- That's right.

- Eyes: Blue.
- That's right.

- Hair: Brunette.
- That's right -

That's wrong.

You see, in New York
my hair was a little darker.

Yeah, but when we came out
here the California sun bleached it.

Bless you, my boy.

You know, madam, you're not
allowed to drive with an invalid license.

Yeah. Well, I'll be getting
a new license in a few days.

In a few days?

Lady, you got to get a
new license immediately.

You're coming right with
me and take the written test.

And if, by some
miracle, you pass it

then I am going to give you the
driving test myself, personally.

After I'm through with
you you'll be lucky if

you're allowed to drive
a tricycle in Griffith Park.

Well, now, that's not fair.

Anyway, I can't take a test
right now. I've gotta get to work.

Okay.

But if you drive there I'll
see that you get a ticket.

Now, that's the meanest,
nastiest thing I ever heard of.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

You're the meanest
man I ever met.

You're a kook.

Don't you call me
names, you nervous wreck.

- You're a kook.
- Don't call me names.

- You are a kook.
- Listen Craig, he's calling me names.

You kook, that's what
you are. [inaudible yelling]

Now calm down, calm down,
sir. Sir. Calm down. Calm down.

- That's no way to talk to your wife.
- Wife?

How would you like
a punch in the nose?

What?

I never met this
kook before today.

She has a-My name
is Wilbur Harlow.

I'm from the Motor
Vehicle Bureau,

and I have just discovered some information
that you should be interested in.

She has a license
with four violations.

Four.

Oh?

May I see your
driver's license, please?

Do I have to show it to him?

Not unless you're driving a car.

Then I'm not going to show it to
you. You want to give me a ticket.

No. Lady, I don't want
to give you a ticket -

Well, you're not going
to give me a ticket

because I'm not going
to let you see the license.

Nobody will see my
license until I get a new one.

So there.

May I have your first name?

I don't have to tell you
my first or my last name.

You cannot give
me a traffic ticket.

Yes, I know.

This ticket is for
littering the streets.

Oh, that could be a $50.00 fine.

Bless you, my
boy. I am so happy.

Mother-Oh, there you
are. Mother, you were right.

Justice triumphs.

The meek shall
inherit the earth.

Virtue is its own reward.

I am so happy.

I haven't been so happy since I
passed my civil service examination.

I am happy. Happy...

And he called me a kook.

♪ Singing♪ Happy
days are here again.

The skies above are clear again.

Let us sing a song
of cheer again.

Happy days are here again...