02x01 - Lucy Goes to the Air Force Academy: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

[loud snoring]

Hey come on Kim, I'm starving.
What's happening with those pancakes?

Just relax! You'll
get them in a minute.

[loud snoring]

Well, I got them.

So sorry, so sorry.

But a little bowl hat look
very good on brother's head.

All right. All right.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Who's driving?

- Mother.
- It figures.

What happened?

You were having a nightmare.

Oh. Yeah. That's right.

I dreamed someone
was choking me.

Oh. Now, who would want to
do a thing like that to you, Harry?

Well, maybe if I go back to
sleep, I'll recognize who it was.

Oh well, why don't you just look
at the scenery? It's very pretty.

Say, it is magnificent
country, isn't it?

I don't believe I remember
this part of California.

What's it called?

Oh, Colorado.

Colorado California?

Colorado, Colorado.

Colorado?!

But we're supposed to be driving
from Los Angeles to San Francisco.

Well now, I wanted Craig to see the
Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs.

You know, he gets out
of high school next year

and he just might be
interested in going there.

What is the matter with you?

A man hired us to drive his camper
from Los Angeles to San Francisco!

Yeah. But I didn't tell
what route I was taking.

Have you any idea how far it is from
Colorado Springs to San Francisco?

- An hour?
- An hour!

Well that's what
the brochure says.

That's by air!

Oh.

Well, well it's very beautiful country
and I'm sure we're almost there.

Where are we?

Where's the road?

I took a shortcut.

A shortcut to where?

Well by my calculations, we
ought to be just about there.

- You want to know where we are
according to my calculations?
- Where?

Lost!

Lost?

I'm not lost.

- I just took a little shortcut.
- Yeah.

You're little shortcut is breaking
my back and loosening my teeth.

Oh quiet, Harry.

Why could you just stick to the
road like everybody else does?

Hey! There's a little clearing up
there. We'll stop there for the night.

Oh well, the sooner you stop
this bucking bronco the better.

I got saddle sores.

[revelry]

[shouting orders]

Craig, stop the car.

- Stop the car!
- What's the matter?

We've lost mother.

- Well, what's wrong with that?
- Oh, Uncle Harry!

- How can we lose her?
- I don't know. Just stop the car!

All right. All right.

[all shouting fire]

What are you doing
in here? Outside!

Let's go.

OK guys! Fall in. Fall in.

Let's go. Fall in. Let's go.

It's a false alarm.

OK, guys. Facing
south. Facing south.

It's a false alarm.

This is never going to
be the uniform of the day.

In the honor of this
beautiful mass of humanity.

We'll march back to the dorm.

[all clamoring]

Your enthusiasm is overwhelming.

Right face.

Let me get this right.

Left face!

Whoever you are down there,
how about getting with us?

Let's do it right
now. Right face.

Ah.

Right turn, march.

Where do you think you're going?

- Where have you been? What have you...
- Don't talk. Let's go.

- What are you trying
to do, lose me too?
- I'm sorry Uncle Harry.

Mom, what happened?

What were you doing running around outside
in that outfit in front of all those men?

I wouldn't have been running around out
there if you hadn't driven off and left me.

I didn't drive off and
leave you. Craig did.

- I was ordered to!
- Yeah.

Mom, why did you
get out of the camper?

I just got out to stretch. It
was such a beautiful day.

- It was a beautiful day.
- Oh!

Why did you park
there in the first place?

Well if you remember it was pouring
rain last night. I didn't know where I was.

- You never know where you are!
- Oh, Harry!

Oh! You two stop fighting.

- At least I found the academy.
- Oh! You found it all right.

Do you realize you could
have gotten us all arrested?

Oh!

Well, how far is
it to West Point?

West Point?

Is that on the way
to San Francisco?

Craig, don't you think
of going to another place.

We're going right back there and
see about getting you in that academy.

We wouldn't dare show our faces
around there after your little exhibition.

Nobody saw me.
Nobody knew who I was.

What do mean nobody saw you?

How could they miss
you in that crazy outfit.

Well, everybody
looked kind of crazy.

They came crashing out
of the building dressed like

they were... like they were
going to a Halloween party.

- Well you could have won first prize if
you'd flown in on your broomstick.
- Oh.

Craig, don't you worry now honey.
We're going back to that academy.

You just turn this thing
around and leave the rest to me.

If we leave any more to you, we’ll all
wind up at the academy, in the guard house!

[all yelling]

Oooh! When I get to town,
I'm going to buy some earplugs.

Well, I'm the registrar.
May I help you?

I hope so. I'm Lucy Carter.

How do you do?

- And I'm Craig Carter.
- Hi.

And you're interested in getting into
the Air Force Academy. Are you, Craig?

Well, sir um...

Craig is still going to high school. He
doesn't graduate for another year yet.

I see, but when the time comes, I
take that you would like to be a cadet.

Well, I thought...

Well, that depends on what
the academy has to offer.

Craig may want to
go to a university.

- Oh! The Air Force Academy is
a university, ma'am.
- Oh!

Oh yes! We offer degrees in
any one of 28 different majors,

everything from astrophysics to
biochemistry and engineering to zoology.

Well, now isn't that wonderful.

How much is the cost to get in?

Oh, nothing, ma'am.

As a matter of fact, we pay
our cadets $160.50 a month.

- You pay them?
- That's right.

Isn't that just
a little unusual?

Oh no! No! No! It's
customary, ma'am.

The Military Academy and the
Naval Academy do the same thing.

Don't say a word till
you've heard their offers.

Ma'am, perhaps I haven't
made myself quite clear.

Look. I have 16 years invested in
this boy and I know what he's worth.

Mrs. Carter now, I don't
want to give the impression

that we can settle this whole
thing right here and now.

Oh! Hear that? He'll
dicker. He'll dicker.

Say, you people aren't having a
little trouble around here, are you?

Trouble?

Yeah. You know, demonstrations.

Demonstrations?

At the United States
Air Force Academy?

[yelling outside]

What was that?

And who was that?

Oh! That's one
of our professors.

What are they trying
to do? Drown him?

Oh no ma'am! No. No. No.
You see, Major Gram, oh wait.

He's Colonel Gram now,
he just got promoted and

well this is uh... this is
their way of celebrating.

Well now, what would they do if
he made general? String him up?

Mom, it's just an old
Air Force tradition.

Tradition.

Well let's get back to business.

- Sir?
- Ma'am?

I want $200 a month for
him and that's rock bottom.

Mom. The money
isn't the question.

Craig's right, ma'am.

After all, it just goes in one pocket
and out the other, as you know.

No. I don't know.

Oh.

Well I mean, after the academy deducts
the cost of books and incidental fees.

He hasn't collected a dime from you people
and here you are taking it back already.

Isn't that just like
the government?

Now look, let's get
down to brass tacks.

What is his take home pay?

Well, we pay doolies...

Doolies? What's a doolies?

Well doolies is what
we call our freshmen.

- Why?
- Why?

Well it uh, it comes from the
Greek word doulos meaning...

Meaning what?

Meaning sl*ve.

- I knew it! I knew it!
- Oh mom, please, it's just a joke.

Tell me,

does the name Abraham
Lincoln ring a bell around here?

Ma'am, really.

How much after deductions?
Come on. Let's have the bad news.

It amounts to $15 a month.

Fifteen dollars a month.

And, Mrs. Carter, now, maybe we're getting
just a little bit ahead of ourselves,

I mean, before Craig even has
permission to attend the academy.

Oh! That's what's bothering you.

- Yes.
- Yeah mom. That's what's bothering him.

Well, he has my permission.
You have my permission, darling.

Mom, he doesn't
mean your permission.

Well, whose permission
does he think he's going to get?

Mrs. Carter let
me put it this way.

Now, before a young man can even be
considered for entrance into the academy,

he must be nominated
by his congressman.

Oh come on! Let's not
bring politics into this.

It is just based on
the boy's records.

But I don't know
any congressman.

Well, there are
other ways, of course.

For instance?

Well, he can be
appointed by the President.

The one in Washington?

That's the one.

Oh now, this may come as a big surprise
to you but I don't know him either.

- Mrs. Carter.
- What?

Why don't you and your family
just take a tour of the academy,

get acquainted with the
way that we do things here.

Yeah. Listen mom, that's
a good idea. Come on.

Craig, why don't you
go out and find Kim and

Uncle Harry and I'll catch
up with you later, OK?

Well, OK. Thank you, sir.

- Bye bye.
- Bye, dear.

I'll see you in a little while.

You know I've been
hiding something.

I didn't expect you to pay him
anything. Take him for nothing.

Mrs. Carter, it isn't up to me.

- It isn't?
- No.

Well, who runs this place?

Lieutenant General.

That's the man I want to see.

Good day.

The purpose of that
rule is to avoid mistakes.

As long as I'm the super general of
this academy, I want it strictly enforced.

- Do you understand?
- Yes, sir.

What floor would you like?

Oh sixth, please.

Are you all right?

Oh yes, thank you.

I wonder what's the
matter with the elevator.

- Oh, I think it's just stalled.
- Oh.

You mean it's stuck?

Let me out of here!

- Let me out!
- Madame, try to be calm now.

- Here let me - - Oh
what are you going to do?

Well, I want to see
if I can get it unstuck.

No. Don't do that!

- Why not?
- Maybe it'll fall.

Maybe it's falling right
now and we don't know it.

Crouch down. Crouch down!

Madame the elevator
is not going to fall.

- Crouch down!
- Whatever for?

Because if I'm up on your
shoulders, it'll push and might fall.

- Oh, please!
- Don't be such a coward.

I've got two children
I have to think of.

If you just give me a chance, I may
be able to do something about this.

- Do you know anything about elevators?
- Well, a little.

- Who are you?
- I am the superintendent.

Oh! The superintendent.
Well can't you fix this thing?

Well, if you'll just
get off of my back.

Well, OK.

Fix it. Fix it!
Hurry up! Fix it.

Fix it!

There, now I have
pressed the alarm.

I don't hear anything.

Well, it doesn't ring in the
elevator. It rings downstairs.

- It does, huh?
- That's what they tell me.

And you believe them?

What kind of a superintendent
are you, anyway?

Whenever an alarm goes off, you can
hear it from miles. Believe me, I know.

Here, let me hit that button.

Now, that's what
I call an alarm.

Well that is an alarm.
That's the fire alarm.

Fire? Fire!

Let me out! Let me out of here!

- Madame you don't understand.
- The air.

The air. The air.

- The air.
- What's the matter with the air?

- We're using it all up.
- Oh please, Madame. Listen to me.

Don't talk. That
uses it up even faster.

Is there anything
I can do for you?

Yeah. Get away from
me. This is my air.

You go over there and
breathe your own air.

Am I turning blue? Am I?

Don't lie to me.
I want the truth.

Well, you look fine.
A little pale perhaps.

Oh yeah? Yeah?

Well, you look the picture
of health and you know why?

Because you're breathing
more air than I am. That's why.

Cheater.

Oh, I can't get my breath.

Just relax Madame.

It's no use. It's no use.
We've used up the air.

What is it?

A trap door. Lift me up.

- Lift me up!
- What? No.

Don't fight me.
It's our last hope.

- Lift me up.
- Ma'am, listen to me.

The air is much better up here.

It's moving. It's moving.

Come down, quick!

[announcer] The superintendent is a veteran
of more battles than he can remember

but can he possibly survive
another visit from Lucy?

Tune in next week
folks. Goodbye now.