02x02 - Lucy Goes to the Air Force Academy: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

[announcer] This folks is the
United States Air Force Academy.

If Lucy wants to help her son
get into it, can anyone blame her?

Of course, this was
no way to begin.

Fortunately, nobody saw her.

As for what happened
when the elevator got stuck...

It's moving.

It's moving!

Come down quick!

How was Lucy to know
that the superintendent

was a general and not a janitor?

My, my. It's a mistake
anybody could make.

Superintendent.

- A quarter?
- For your trouble.

I know it's not much but I
want you to know I'm grateful.

As you were.

I'm awfully sorry but the general
isn't in just now, Mrs. Carter.

Well, it's very important.
It's about my son, Craig.

Oh. Well perhaps I can help you.

Well thank you but
I don't think you can.

You see, when I talked to the
registrar, he suggested that I see the...

The general?

No. The President.

We don't have a President.

Yes we do. He's in Washington.

Oh, that President.

Yeah, and, you know, frankly, I don't like
the idea of going over the general's head,

I mean, without at least giving
the general a chance, you know.

Well, the general is
attending a luncheon.

Oh. Well, I'll wait.

I'm afraid the general won't
be back until four o'clock.

Four o'clock?

Just how much does he eat?

He doesn't take a four-hour
luncheon, Mrs. Carter.

He has a staff meeting at two.

Oh. That, that, that big
staff meeting in room 312?



Oh, thank you.

Mom, where were you? We've
been looking everywhere for you.

Yeah. You sure missed
a lot of excitement.

What happened?

Well, while you were gone,


building and had a special
drill and boy are they cute.

- One of them is really groovy.
- Oh?

Hey! You've just got to see this
place. It's so great, I can't tell you.

You'd really like to
come here, wouldn't you?

Sure. I'd love it.

But let's face it. I don't
think I have a chance.

You just leave that to me.

Mom do you really
think you can get me in?

Well, for your information, at two o'clock,
I expect to see the Lieutenant General.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Pardon my curiosity but
does the Lieutenant General

know that he has an
appointment at two o'clock?

Well, I think I can safely say that
the answer to that question is yes.

- It is?
- Great.

Come on. I've read all about this place
and I'm going give you the Class A tour.

Oh, I'm for that.
Where do we start?

- This way.
- OK.

Well, what do you think of that?

- They'll never get it off the ground.
- Mom, that's a church.

- A church?
- Yeah.

Oh.

What is that?

Don't you know a church
when you see one?

It's a church.

Oh.

What's that?

- Oh, you've heard of flying saucers.
- Yeah.

Well, they just
set down the cup.

- Oh, Craig.
- It's a planetarium, Uncle Harry.

Oh.

Well if any little green men
come out of it, I'm leaving.

- What do they do up there?
- Well they watch the stars.

Boy! That's a dining room.

- How big is that?
- Two acres.

Two acres of food.

Two acres of Cadets.

It's a good think I'm
not sending you here.

Hey, mom. Watch this.

Be seated.

Thirty-six hundred guys.

That's discipline.

That's appetite.

They had to run
three miles to get here.

Let’s go this way.

Vandenberg Hall, mom.

Imagine, it's a
quarter of a mile long.

- Really?
- Yeah. It's the cadet's dormitory.

Just think what it must be like to
live there, to be an Air Force cadet.

Come on.

Mom, what's the matter?

I'm going to miss you so.

Mom, I haven't gone yet.

He doesn't even graduate
from high school for another year.

Yeah. It's easy for you to talk.
You've never been a mother.

But after you've spent


and suddenly the Air
Force Academy comes along

and drags him off to Colorado.

Drags him off?

Do you have any idea how
difficult it is to get into this place?

They only take the
cream of the crop.

Craig probably
doesn't have a chance.

They don't want my baby?

All I said was don't
get his hopes up.

You go ahead and
get your hopes up.

I'll get him in.

How? By leaving him on
a doorstep in a bassinet?

Now there's nothing you can do
to get him in. Do you understand?

How do you like that?
How do you like that?

Here is the boy eager to go to
this school and they are so eager

to have him that they're even
willing to pay him to attend.

And whose trying
to keep him out?

His own uncle, his
own flesh and blood.

Oh!

Mom, wait.

All I said was don't
get the boy's hopes up.

- Now what was wrong with that?
- Nothing, Uncle Harry.

Why does she assume that
I'm doing something terrible?

Mom, wait.

Mom, they have rules.

Yeah well, I have rules too and rule number
one is you have to fight for your rights.

Now look why don't
you go back with Kim and

Uncle Harry and do
some more sight-seeing.

- I have work to do.
- Yeah, but mom.

_Please now go on and I'll
catch up with you later, OK?
- OK, mom.

- Go on.
- Bye bye.

Yoo-hoo, Superintendent.

Superintendent, yoo-hoo!

- If it isn't my old friend.
- Oh, good day ma'am.

Hey. Why so formal?

Madame, please. Now any
second, 3600 cadets are going

to come through that door
and if I'm caught here...

This is a democracy. I'm not
ashamed to be seen with you.

Well that's very kind of you.
Now, if you will excuse me.

Well-

Madame the cadets are
going to come out of that

dining hall any second
and if they catch me here...

So what?

Hey there what's
the matter with you?

Custom of the service, ma'am.

I've heard of politeness
but this is ridiculous.

This is why I was
trying to get away.

You mean they make you do this?

- It's regulations ma'am.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.

How much do they pay
you? If it's anything like that 50

cents a day they pay the
cadets, it just isn't worth it.

Madame, please.

- Oh, come on stop already.
- Please let go of me.

Well enough is enough.

I have something for you.

Another quarter?

I'm not made of money. Here.

Take it.

- What is it?
- It's my business card.

You see my brother-in-law
runs a business down in Los

Angeles and it's called the
Unique Employment Agency

and I work there and
well I just couldn't help

noticing how much respect
all these boys have for you

and well I just thought
if the time came that you

ever want to make a change,
I want you to come to me.

I think I can help you.

Nice to see you again.

Did the general say
he'd be able to make it?

Definitely.

He'll be here at 1400 hours.

Pardon me, has the
general arrived yet?

Not yet, ma'am.

Oh, thank you very much.

Lady, what on earth do
you think you're doing?

Me?

Haven't you caused
enough trouble?

Don't you know better than to leave
your equipment all around the halls?

What on earth happened?

It ran away with my bag.
That's what happened.

This thing is alive.

Well all you had to
do is turn off the switch.

You know what I think? I
think you ought to sh**t it.

Good heavens.

Look. I don't mean to hurt
your feelings superintendent but

have you ever thought of
going into another line of work?

- Frankly that is all I thought of...
- Oh?

Since early this morning.

- Oh, help.
- What's the matter?

- I think I've got something in my eye.
- Well here, let me help you.

No, thank you.

You've done quite
enough already.

Oh, don't be silly. I'm
not going to hurt you.

Come on in here.
The light's better.

- Oh.
- Come on now. Don't be...

Come on in here.
There's a good light here.

Turn around.

- Now let's see.
- Oh.

Don't fight me.

Room, atten-hut!

Oh. Give me your handkerchief.

Oh yeah. Yeah. No.

There, is that better?

Oh. Yes, thank you but...

What's the matter?

That little red
light. It was on.

Are you afraid
of little red lights?

I'm afraid of that one.

And you make fun of me because
I'm a little bit scared of elevators.

Uh-oh.

I'm late. I got to
get out of here.

And you better get your
equipment out of these halls.

Tidy up a bit, you hear?

Has the general arrived yet?

Yes ma'am but he won't be
available for the rest of the day.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

- Oh, look at this!
- Wow.

Oh, this looks
like a great spot.

We shouldn't have come
here in the first place

and we certainly
shouldn't stay overnight.

I think we ought to get out of
the area as soon as possible.

I told you, Harry. I don't
want to disappoint Craig.

Oh, mom. I'm not disappointed.

At least I got to see the Air Force Academy
even if I didn't get to see the general.

Well you're going to see the
general tomorrow morning.

- Well, I won't hold my breath.
- Oh, I wish you would.

I think it's going to wonderful
sleeping out of doors.

I've always wanted to
sleep under the stars.

Yeah. Mom this is where the cadets
do it when they're on maneuvers.

Yeah? Well let's do a little
maneuvering of our own.

You go get some firewood. Kim,
you unpack the stuff for dinner.

- Oh, this is ridiculous.
- Will you stop your grumbling?

Well, leaving a soft warm bed
to sleep on the lumpy ground.

Why don’t you go find
yourself a nice soft rock?

Say what you want about
classroom work but these maneuvers

are the real test of how
much the men have learned.

Uh-huh.

Sergeant, get me a
report from Red Company.

Yes, sir.

Red company. Report in.

Report in red company.

Do you read me? Over.

This is Red Company.
This is Red Company.

Report capture of 11 more men
from Green Company. Do you copy?

We copy.

Eleven more
greenies captured, sir.

Uh. That's more like it.

Now, where's that Lieutenant Tupper,
the one who fouled up the last time?

- He's over here in sector B, sir.
- Ah-huh.

- How's this platoon doing?
- Uh, well, we haven't been
able to contact him yet, sir.

Well you keep after him.

Tell him to get his men together
and comb the area and tell

him not to fall over any more
of those Green Company tricks

- they laid the last time.
- Yes sir.

Run along, captain.

Hey here are some greenies!

Hey look what we've found
here, some more greenies!

What's going... hey.

What is this?

[all yelling]

Come on, get them tied up.

What do you... what do you?

Hey that sounded like a woman.

A woman? Didn't I tell
you to watch out for tricks?

Those greenies
will try everything.

- I can't go on.
- On your feet, greenie.

Oooh!

He bit me. He bit me!

What are you trying
to do, drown me?

Amazing. I'd say it's a
draw the way it stacks up.

Not quite, sir. The Reds quarter
has captured four more greenies.

Four more?

How is that possible? All the
greenies are accounted for.

Here they come now, sir.

Cadet, hold them up.

- Take it off them.
- Yes, sir.

What???

You again.

Oh, superintendent.

Am I glad to see you!

You won't believe what they've
been doing to me. I was kidnapped.

I was kidnapped and I
was poked and pushed and

dragged through the mud
and I was half drowned.

Is Colorado at w*r or something?

What is the meaning of this?

General, sir, I don't know.

General? You're a general?

Sir, she was pretending
to be a greenie.

I was pretending to be a what?

I was sound asleep.
That's what I was.

I was minding my own business.

And speaking about
pretending, the last time

I saw you, you
pretended to be a janitor.

I said superintendent, Madame.

Well what's the difference?

The difference is that I am
the head of this academy and

as a head I want to know
just what are you doing here?

Oh well. I just wanted to get my
son, Craig, into the academy, sir.

- Ah, mom, I think we better leave now.
- Yeah.

- Just a moment. Please Mrs...?
- Carter.

But after all we've been through
together general, you could call Lucy.

All right, Lucy.

Anybody who has done to anybody what you've
been doing to me for the past 24 hours

just to get your son into the
academy deserves something.

Oh, what?

How about three years
in the guardhouse.

Would you and your family be my
guest at the parade this afternoon?

Oh. Superintendent or
general or whatever you

call yourself, we would
be delighted, wouldn't we?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

If the general's willing to
take the risk, we don't mind.

Oh, general.

Congratulations.
I'm so proud of you.

For what?

Just for being you.