02x09 - Lucy and the Used Car Dealer

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy!

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr.

No, not all the angles in
a triangle are the same.

Well, two angles are the
same in an isosceles triangle

and three angles are the
same in an equilateral triangle.

Now, to find the hypotenuse...

Oh, look this is really too
hard to explain over the phone.

We'll discuss it later.

All right, I'll see
you at seven.

Ba-bye.

Wow! Triangles and hypotenuses,
you sure do have some sexy dates.

You have new boyfriend?

Yeah, that was a Hoffy.

What's a Hoffy?

That's Herbie Hofferman.
He's a very nice

boy and he's driving
me at the dance tonight.

Herbie Hofferman has a car?

- No. He has a motorcycle.
- Oh!

But mom won't let me ride
motorcycle, so we're taking her car.

- Well, it's gonna be pretty crowded!
- Why?

Because Steve and Peggy
and Billy and Debbie are

going with Susan and
me in mom's car tonight.

But you and Hoffy are
welcomed to run along behind.

Wait a minute, since when do
you think you're taking the car?

It's Saturday, my day to use it.

Wrong again.

Today isn't Saturday?

Yes, today is Saturday but you have
the car Tuesday and I had it Wednesday,

then you changed your
Thursday from my Wednesday

so I took my Wednesday,
Friday, remember?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, then when you want to
use the car Wednesday, the fan

belt was broken and the
car was at the service station,

so your Wednesday became my
Friday which was changed to Tuesday.

What does that have
to do with Saturday?

Everything!

The point is your Thursday
was already changed with my

previous Monday so when I changed
my Monday with your Thursday,

I ended up with Wednesday.

And Wednesday... Well, I'll prove
it to you on the car calendar. Look!

That Tuesday C for Craig
was changed to a K for Kim.

No, no, no, no... The K for Kim
was changed to a C for Craig.

It was not.

Now, look what letter
is down for the day?

M for mom.

Mom?

Since when did she
get to use the car?

Well, not very often.

- Oh.
- Hi, mom.

Hi.

Look I think there's a simple
solution to your problem.

Why don't you take the bus?

To drive-in movie?

Don't argue, Craig. Mom said,
you take the bus and I get the car.

- No. No. I didn't exactly say that.
- Listen, we'll flip for it, OK? Call it.
- Heads.

- Look I think there's
something you should know.
- Tails.

So you take the bus and
leave the driving to us.

Mom, where's the
keys to the car?

At the service station.
That's what I was trying

to tell you, the fan
belt is broken again.

"You take Tuesday and
I'll take Wednesday..."

Oh, come on Craig, you can
ask Suzie out again next weekend.

No, I can't. She said she'll
never speak to me again.

Oh!

Well, Hoffy wasn't too
mad, but I worry about him.

Why honey?

He just doesn't
understand geometry.

Well, good. It's nice
to have you go out

with a boy that doesn't
know all the angles.

Oh, c'mon don't worry kids.
Everything will work out for the best.

Mom, it's just
doesn't seemed fair.

What doesn't?

All my friends belong
to two-car families.

Oh, well now look, we
are a one-car family.

And the salary that Harry pays me,
it's lucky we're not a one-thumb family.

- How much could a cheap
transportation car cost?
- Too much.

Hey, don't we have any
money in the emergency fund?

Oh, I think maybe
there's a $147.

$147? Well that's great.

In IOUs.

Well, how much in cash?

Maybe 75?

Well, that's a start.

Yeah, it's a start.

Hey, if you kids go on
a diet for a few days,

I'll give you $3 out
of the food budget.

- OK. We will. We will.
- All right.

Hey, how about that
quarter you flipped.

Oh, no. Uncle Harry's
gonna be looking for that.

Fell out of his pocket last night
when he was sitting on the sofa.

Wait a minute!

- Oh, I found something.
- What? What is it?

- It's round and it feels like money.
- Oh, how much is it?

Oh, it's a button.

It says, "Win with Wilkie."

Who's Wilkie?

- He ran for president, Mendel Wilkie.
- Oh!

Hey, I have $15 I was saving up
to buy a new dress. I'll throw that in.

You will?

Oh, I got $4 I was gonna
spend with Suzie, but I think

she's never gonna be speak
to me again, we can use that.

OK. How much is all that?

Oh, let's see $3, $4,
$15, $75. That's $97.

$97? For that, you couldn't
get an estimate on a hubcap.

Mom, it doesn't have to be a
great car. Just transportation.

Oh look, I'm sorry honey. We just don't
have enough money for a second car.

Now, let's just forget about
it and watch television, huh!

I'd rather go up to
my room and cry.

Oh, c'mon honey. There must
be something good on tonight.

[TV] Hi, chums.

Cheerful Charlie again on the
car on Cherokee and Chatsworth.

Oh, I can't stand this guy!

Don't touch that dial.

Just a second. But first
a word from our sponsor.

Mom, leave him on, leave him on.

Yes, Cheerful
Charlie's used cars.

Remember chums, Cheerful
Charlie is never chintzy.

Cheerful Charlie.
Cheerful Charlie.

Blah, blah, blah, blah...

Oh, Cheerful Charlie
is your champion.

Oh, you bet.

Well chums, Cheerful Charlie is
giving you your choices chance.

Cheerful Charlie is offering
this charming chariot.

Not for $300, not for
$200, not $100, only $99.95.

First come, first serve.

That's it! That's
our car, only $99.95.

- We only had 97.
- Well, we won't take an accessory. C'mon.

- You want that car?
- Yeah.
- Can we mom?

- OK. Go ahead.
- We go down there?

Yeah. Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. I didn't give you the money.

The money. You
got the money there?

OK. C'mon.

Here's your bag, Kim.

OK. All right. Remember
Cherokee and Chatsworth.

First come, first serve.

Only a Cheerful Charlie's corner
of Cherokee and Chatsworth.

Hurry on now,
don't have a chitchat.

Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.

They're hurrying.
They're hurrying.

Hi, chum! Cheerful Charlie here.

Cheerful Charlie, that's me.

Why don't you all chop, chop over Cheerful
Charlie's and you'll chirp like a cheetah.

You can't choose a cheaper chariot in
Chicago, Chattanooga, Chula Vista or Chino.

And Cheerful Charlie takes chances
cause Cheerful Charlie ain't chicken.

So, chums don't forget.

Today's Cheerful Charlie's cheap
choice in an automobile is only $99.95.

- And now this is
Cheerful Charlie saying ciao!
- Cut!

- OK, Charlie.
- Thank you very much.

Well take it. Well take it.

This one? Too late it's sold.

- Sold?
- Yeah.

How could that be sold, you
just finish the commercial?

For such a good
buy, I bought it myself.

Take it away
please. Take it away.

You wanted that, huh?

But don't worry. Don't worry
young man and young lady.

We have plenty more.

Tell me how much
would you care to spend?

Well, we have $97.

$97 and what a coincidence.

Cheerful Charlie has just
what you want right over here.

Follow me.

There it is right there.

Only $97?

Only $97...

Down.

How much is the total price?

It would run around


$200?

Don't worry we have an easy payment plan,
only $20 a month for only three years.


$200 that's over $700.

There is a small
carrying charge.

$500 interest on $200,
that's a cheating charge.

Cheerful Charlie never cheats.

Never cheats a chum and
you are my chums, aren't you?

- Yes. But you don't understand.
- Don't understand what young lady?

We'd like the car
that's $97 total.

'Cause I think we've got a
car that's been totaled for 97.

Just give Cheerful Charlie
a chance to concentrate.

Let me see.

Got it for you.

Got it for you! Got
the greatest car.

Bring out that old bargain Jack,
one of the great cars for only $97.

You're going to be
thrilled when you see that.

Turn it. That's it. Turn it.

There it is. Isn't
that beautiful?

That's one of the most beautiful
bargains that you've ever seen.

You can stop it right there.

- There you are!
- Hey, that's groovy!

- I should say so.
- How come you didn't show this on TV?

We wouldn't dare,
we'd be mobbed.

Can I try it?

Can you try?

Be Cheerful Charlie's
guest chum. Get in.

- Great!
- You'll love it.

- Right in the front there.
- OK. Uh, where's the key?

- I didn't hear ya.
- Where's the key?

Key? Uh, no key.

Just kick the floorboard,
it's an automatic.

- Kick-kick...
- Kick the floorboard...

That's it. Keep
kickin'. Keep kickin'...

What about all that smoke?

That smoke? It's perfect. You can never
tell when you want to practice sky riding.

It's a pretty old car.

Old? Young man,
this is nicely broken in.

It was own by two hippies
who rented out at the hotel.

Look at the car, madam.

Do you like the car young lady?

- You like it?
- What do you think?

I think it's great. I love it.

Any girl would be proud to
be seen walking home from it.

- Let's take it.
- We're going to take it.

- You're taking this car?
- Yep.

- We have the money right here.
- You got the money?

- $97.
- $97?

There's your receipt
and your pink slip.

- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

Just a minute young man.
You really want this car?

- Yeah.
- Oh, yes we do.

Cheerful Charlie is all choked up
when I see one of my chariots go.

All the cars are my lot, they're
like Cheerful Charlie's children.

Take care of my child.
Take care of my child. Go.

Cheerful Charlie
wishes you luck.

Goodbye you charming chumps.

- Hey mom, keep your
eyes closed don't peek.
- I won't.

Oh, watch out for the door.

- OK.
- Now?

No. No. No. Not yet.

- Now?
- Yeah, now.

Oh!

- Uh...
- Don't you just love it?

- Oh!
- How about this, huh?

Well, it's, uh... This is great.

Look if it makes you
happy, then I'm happy.

And I'm sure Cheerful
Charlie is very happy.

- Lucille!
- Yeah, Harry!

- Where are you?
- Out in the garage.

Oh! Oh! Have any of you
seen my Wilkie button?

Yeah, we found it.

- What is that?
- This is our new car.

Well, chitty,
chitty, bang, bang.

Oh, c'mon. Now, stop
joking. What is that?

They told you.
It's their new car.

It looked more like a
purple people eater.

Oh, c'mon now Harry, it
might not look so great, but

it only costs $97 and only
had one previous owner.

Yeah. And not only
that, but Uncle Harry, look

the speedometer only
has 93,000 miles on it.


towed further than that.

Why is it painted sicka-delic?

- That's psychedelic.
- To me it's sick.

But looks like a drip pan
at the end of the rainbow.

Uncle Harry you'll change
your mind after you ride in it.

I ride in that? I wouldn't be
caught dead in a thing like that.

Oh, c'mon now Harry, you're hurting
their feelings. Say something nice.

Well, let's see.

Oh, Uncle Harry,
c'mon let's take a ride.

- I don't want to ride in it.
- C'mon.

- Get in. You'll like it.
- Get in the front mom.

- You get in the back.
- OK.

- Oh, Jesus...
- C'mon, let's take a spin.

- Are you ready?
- Yeah.

OK. Here we go.

What in the name of
Kaiser Frazer are you doing?

This is how you start it.

Isn't the motor is quiet.

- I haven't started yet, mom.
- Oh!

No wonder it only had one owner,
they couldn't get it out of the garage.

I don't know what's wrong
with it. Listen, I'll go check.

Mom, when I give the signal,
kick the floorboard, OK?

- Get over in the driver seat.
- OK.

Oww!!! Oh!!!

Oh, I forgot to tell you
about that loose spring.

Yeah, you sure did. Anything
else you forgot to tell me?

That's it. That's it. We'll
be going in a minute.

OK. It's a beauty isn't it, huh?

What do I do now?
Kick the floorboard.

Kick the floorboard
anywhere it doesn't matter.

OK. Wait a minute, let
me... Let me check it.

OK. You can give it a kick.

Oh!

Heavens it's a
one-car smog alert.

I think I can fix that smoke.
Just give me a second.

You can dive from
this in the garage. Gee!

OK.

OK. Give another kick mom.

[horn blowing]

What is wrong with it?

Do you want the answer
alphabetically or chronologic?

How are we going
to get it started?

Well, why do we
switch the tires around?

- That won't help.
- Well, it can't hurt.

- Mom, listen give it one more try, OK?
- OK.

- Are you ready?
- Yeah.

Oh!

Now it won't start at all.

Well, it looks like you bought
yourself a piece of painted junk.

If I were I you, I'd go and
try and get my money back.

Do you still have the receipt?

- Yeah. Right here.
- Let's see it. Let's see it.

- Uh-huh.
- What? What?

- Just as I thought.
- What?

All sales final. No
return. No refund.

I don't understand. Cheerful Charlie
said he stands behind his product.

He'd have to stand
behind that to push it.

Oh, I guess we're
just out of luck.

- No. You were out of $97.
- No, you're not.

Not, if we can get Cheerful
Charlie to buy this clinker back.

How are we going to get
him to buy it back, mom?

He knows what a lemon it is.

Because Cheerful Charlie is
about to meet Larcenous Lucy.

And don't forget if you're
not completely satisfied,

Cheerful Charlie will
cheerfully refund your money.

- This is Cheerful Charlie saying ciao!
- Cut!

Get that thing away from here.

It's making the
property value go down.

We sell cars here. This looks like
something they crawled up and died.

That's not what you said
when you sold it to us.

And that was only two hours ago.

I sold this to... I've never
seen this thing before my life.

Oh, your name is
on this bill of sale.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Now, we came to
sell you back this car.

Oh, well forget it. No
returns. No refunds.

Stop the chitchat, ciao,
ciao. Thank you very much.

- We're willing to sell it
for less than we pay for it.
- Are you?

- How about $96?
- Oh, I can't do that.

There's been too much
depreciation since you bought it.

Depreciation in two hours?

Well, these old cars
have accelerated rate.

It doesn't have an accelerator.

How much will you offer?

Stretching the thing a
bit too far, but Cheerful

Charlie is charming,
charitable as usual.

Normally, we don't make refunds
but in your case I'll make an exception.

- I'll give you $10.
- $10?

A few hours ago, you
said it was a bargain at $97.

It's a changing world chum.

That's my final offer $10.

It will cost you at least
$20 to have it towed away.

We'd like to discuss it.

Yeah, we'll go and have
a soda and talk it over.

All right. But remember the
depreciation meter is still running.

It's down to $9 already.

Goodbye.

Oh, I say. You
there? My good man.

I beg your pardon.
I beg your pardon.

I need a motorcar.

- Oh, you do?
- Yeah.

Well, Cheerful Charlie
says cheerio old chap.

You've come to the
right place for a motorcar.

Oh, good, good. I have
four Rolls Royce's, you know.

- Four?
- Yes. Yes. One for each season.

My summer Rolls has a broken
windshield, so I gave it away.

You got rid of a Rolls Royce
because the windshield was broken.

Oh, I had to. I
had to, dear boy.

I refuse to wear glasses and
the windshield was prescription.

Bifocal was that.

- Well, I'm sure we could
find exactly what you want.
- I say.

- What have we here!
- Well, it's just a...

Oh, I have never seen a
more beautiful specimen.

- Why, this is a genuine Pierce Rockston.
- It is?

- Oh, indubitably.
- I mean, it is.

Oh, yes. Yes, indeed, it is.

Oh, I say look, on the dashboard
there's no clock, a sundial.

- Isn't that to-to.
- Yes, it is.

Oh, yes.

Well, say old chap. Could you
possibly bear to part with this treasure?

I think I could bear
it if the price is right.

- Oh, well money is no object.
- No object?

No. No. Not at all.

Of course bear in mind
that the car is dusty.

Oh, don't worry,
we'll have it washed.

My good man, a fine motorcar
like this, you don't wash.

You don't?

You will lick it.

Well, sir what do
you plan to spend?

- Well, I'm prepared to
offer you a hundred pounds.
- A hundred pounds?

Yahoo! Yahoo!

Oh, don't you sell that car.

Well, looks like we
have another customer.

- You bet ya, Charlie.
- Are you interested in this car.

Yes, sir Cheerful Charlie.

I'm Laredo Lucy and I came
north on a little trinket buying trip

and I'd like to donate that little
old car to the Texas State Museum.

Yup, this car is a combination of
Hudson, Edsel, Tucker, Reo and Packard.

I'll bet its mommy
was a runabout.

My good woman, you are too late I
am buying this car of a 100 pounds.

Oh, I buy enough for money and I want
to see this car deep in the heart of Texas.

Well, Cheerful Charlie
is open to all offers.

Well, how much do you want
my little bucktoothed buckaroo?

Well, this gentleman offered me a
hundred pounds, that's English money.

Oh, well how much do you want
for a good old American dollars?

Well, Cheerful Charlie, who is a champion
of challenge, it's very, very simple.

I'll just auction you off
to the highest bidder.

Let's start with the... Let's
start the bid with $30,000.

[together] $30,000?

That's just Cheerful Charlie's
little choke. I mean joke.

- You start the bidding.
- I bid 400.



- Do I hear 500?
- 500.



- Do I hear 550?
- 550.

- Do I hear 600?
- 600.




you do with your Wilkie button.

- Now, Cheerful Charlie
hear any cheerio box $700?
- Charlie we're back.

Get away from me kid, you're
bothering me. Get away from here.

- We've decided not to sell.
- Oh, good. You two...

You're not? You
don't want to sell?

- We're not going to sell.
- Come here. Come here. Come over.

I want you to look kids. Cheerful
Charlie will not chive his chums.

He'll be chivalrous,
charitable and not chincy.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll give you 20 bucks.

We paid 97.

- OK. I'll give you 97.
- No, we're not going to sell.

I'll give you a hundred.

We wouldn't take 110.

How about 120?

It's too low.

Too low? Oh, too low.

How about 135.135?

Oh, I'll give you


- Sold.
- Sold!

- Give me the cash. Here's your receipt.
- Oh, thank you very much.

- It's your car.
- Thank you my little chickadees.

Now, watch the big
people play. Suckers!

OK, folks. The last bid
was 650, do I hear 700?

I deferred to you, young lady.

You buy it. I've
lost all interest.

Oh, me too. I wouldn't
take that lemon on a bet.

Wait a minute!

You just lost your accent.

Yeah, that's right.

You're not Laredo, Texas.

- No, I'm Lucy Carter, mother.
- Mother?

What did I do wrong?

- Just about everything.
- Everything?

Yeah. This is just a little
sample of your own game mister.

This will teach you not to
cheat a couple of innocent kids.

You are crooked, dishonest and
sneaky and those are your good points.

- All right, c'mon kids.
- Pip, Pip. Cherio...

So long, Cheerful Charlie. Give
your chit-chat to some other chumps.

Yahoo!

Oh, this is m*rder, m*rder.

Charlie, you're on.

Hi, chums. Cheerful Charlie here.
I got a great bargain right here.

Only $97.

Beautiful car. One of the
great bargains of all time.

You can show
this car to all your...