02x13 - Lucy and the Bogie Affair

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Mom?

Mother?

Mom? Are you home?

OK, coast is clear.

Come one, doggie.
Come on, doggie!

Come on, doggie...

Whoa!

Hold him! I don't want
to get the furniture all wet.

All right.

- Come on Bogie. Hold still, Bogie.
- There we go.

Come on, Bogie. Hold still!

Bogie?

Well, we got to
call him something.

Yeah, but why Bogie?

Well, remember how sad Humphrey Bogart
looked standing in the rain in Casablanca?

Yeah?

Well, our Bogie looked
the same way tonight.

I'm going to go upstairs
and get some towels.

- Let's dry him off
before mom gets home, OK?
- Oh yes.

Oh, Bogie.

Mom is sure going to blow her stack
when she learns we brought you home.

A dog your size!

What food bills?

- Here. Here's the towel. Let's dry him up.
- Good.

We're going to dry him off
then we're going to hide him.

Hide this?

Just temporarily. We'll
put him in the kitchen.

OK.

Good doggie. Wooh, doggie.

Lift your paw, that's good.

Boy! He's a big one. I
wonder how much he eats.

Oh, about a milkshake and
a hamburger stand a day.

OK, listen.

Hey, do you think
he's housebroken?

If he isn't, he is your dog.

Common Bogie, lift your
paw. [car horn honking]

- Oh my gosh! Here comes mom!
- Quick, let's get him in the kitchen.

- Come on!
- Come on, Bogie.

Come on, Bogie. Go
Bogie. Come on, baby.

Come on! In the kitchen.

Whew!

Hi! Anybody home?

Kim? Craig?

Hi mom! Gee, it's
good to see you!

You look wonderful.

Well, Kim, I just came back from
work not walking on the moon.

Well, it's just nice to have everyone
home safe and snug on a night like this.

Oh, I'll say it's not a fit
night out for man or beast.

Nice to hear you say that, mom.

Well, I didn't exactly
originate that line.

I think Shakespeare said it
first or was it W.C. Fields?

Anyway, it's a great
night for hot chocolate.

Oh, wait mom. Let's discuss it.

Discuss it?

Yeah, you know, like the calories. How
many marshmallows we should have?

Why don't we see what
Craig thinks about it?

All right. Let's.

Hi mom! Welcome home.

Craig, mother would love some hot
chocolate. Why don't we fix it for her?

Sure, mom! Sit
right down over here.

Let me take your coat off and
relax. We'll bring it in to you.

Well, that's very thoughtful of you
kids, but I'd really rather do it myself.

Oh mom, let us.

Oh, I get it!

You have a surprise
in the kitchen for me.

That's it, mom. It's a surprise.

Oh... I love surprises, now
let me guess don't tell me.

- OK, mom.
- Oh no, we won't.

Let's see. Is it bigger
than a breadbox?

Oh, boy is it ever bigger.

Well let's see now.
Oh, I just love surprises.

But I can't stand suspense.

What's that pony
doing in the kitchen?

Mom, it's not a pony.

All right. I'll ask you
one more time, what's

that shaggy horse
doing in the kitchen?

Mom, it's a dog. We
found it down the street.

He was standing all alone in
the rain and he looked so helpless.

Oh, poor Bogie.

Bogie?

- As in Humphrey Bogie?
- Yeah.

Other kids bring kittens
and birds with broke wings.

Mine show up with
Mat Dillon's last mount.

All right, now listen kids.

Mom, please, can he stay?
It's miserable out tonight.

Oh, please mom?

Well, OK.

Oh, thanks, mom!
You're the greatest!

Yeah, well...

All right, Bogie, if you
want anything, just whistle.

[dog barking]

He did!

Hurry up, kids. We're
running a little late.

Hurry up now.

Mom! What is the
matter? Are you all right?

Well, what is it?

Is it Bogie?

Well, is he all right?

Well, then what's
the matter with him?

Him had nine puppies.

- Oh!
- Nine puppies!

That's all we need, a patter of


Oh.

Oh Bogie.

I told you he didn't
look like Bogart.

Nine puppies!

What are we going to do?

Well, we could start by
spreading newspapers.

- Good idea.
- Good idea.

Here.

Now, listen, we can't
keep nine puppies.

- We can't?
- No!

- Well, then, what are we going to do?
- I don't know.

Well, I guess I'll just
have to call the pound

and have them come
and take them all away.

What, and have all those
little puppies put in cages?

What kind of a mother
do you think I am?

Hey, mom, if we can't keep them, maybe
we could find some good homes for them.

Sure, it shouldn't be too hard to
find homes for those adorable puppies.

- Well...
- Oh, mom, what about Bogie?

For Bogie, we'll
find a new name.

Hey, Stevie, come here!

- Hey, Craig, baby, what's up?
- Baby, how are you?

Good to see you.

Listen, you're just
the guy I want to see.

Oh, yeah? What's up?

- I got something special
for you, in the locker.
- Yeah?

Listen, how would you like
a little warm companionship?

In the locker? Oh, Craig,
you're putting me on!

Steve baby! Have I let you down?

No, Craig. Man, lay
it on me. Go, man.

- I want to make sure you want it.
- Sure, I want it!

- Are you ready for it?
- I want it!

- Do you want it?
- I want it!

- Are you ready? Are you ready?
- Yeah! Yeah!

You got it, Stevie.

You got it, Stevie. You got it.

Oh, Craig.

You let me down, man.

Hello, Blanch?

This is Lucy Carter?

Yeah.

Remember the other
day when you were telling

me how lonely it's
been for you out here?

Yeah. Well, you said
back in New Orleans, your

nights were always filled
with cozy companionship.

Yeah. Well, Blanch I think
your lonely have come to an end.

Yeah.

Hey, stop panting
into the phone Blanch.

What's his name?
Anything you want.

Blanch you're about to become the proud
owner of an old English sheepdog puppy.

Isn't that great, Blanch?

Blanch?

Hello, Blanch?

Hello?

Hi Candy!

- Oh, hi Kim!
- Hi.

Hey, how do you
like my chain vest?

- It's the very latest, you know.
- It's OK.

OK!

I paid $3.95 for this stuff!

It's really in!

It's the very innest!

Well, whatever turns you on.

But I've been wrapping
with some people who were

really there and well, I
hate to say this, Candy,

but you are missing the latest.

Oh no! Are you sure?

Here it is, Candy.

That's where it's happening.

Now, what's that dog doing
on Herb Alpert's trumpet?

And why is Barbara
Streisand burping a puppy?

Old English sheepdog
puppies, Candy.

All the hip, beautiful
people have them.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Now, how did a new
fad start without me?

Well, it isn't easy
to be in, Candy.

Oh Kim! Well,
you're right there.

I know but I can't keep him.
You know how mothers are.

Hey, well, could I keep him?

- Would your mother let you?
- Oh, listen, I get anything I want.

All it takes is tears
and screaming.

You would cry and scream?

No! Mother does!

Well. OK, but promise me
you'll take good care of him.

Oh sure. We've got all sorts of pets
at home, even my dad's old goldfish.

He was too chicken
to eat him in college.

Goodbye, baby. I'm
going to miss you.

Hey, well, Kim, you can come
over and visit baby anytime you want.

Oh, well, so long,
Kim. And thanks again.

Anytime.

Oh, I feel so in!

Hi Pauline, how are you?

Yeah, well I read in the paper
about another robbery out your way.

Yeah. Well, what you
need is a watchdog.

Oh, you've been thinking
of getting one, huh?

Uh-huh?

A nice female?

Oh, well, Pauline,
have I got a girl for you.

Gee, Craig, you mean you
really want to go steady with me?

Well, Debbie, I think we should
give it some serious thought.

Now, the first thing we should do is
exchange our most precious possessions.

OK.

Well, here's mine.

It' my pom-pom pin.

I had to shake an awful lot
of pom-poms to earn that.

Thanks, Debbie.

Now, it's my turn.

I'm going to give you my most
all-time precious possession.

OK.

Oh!

That's wild, Craig.

I know this means
we're going steady.

But how do I pin
it on my blouse?

Very carefully.

Hello, little baby.

Oh, you'd make a fine watchdog
if you could just stay awake.

Carter Unique employment agency.

Oh, hi Kim!

You got rid of your three?

Oh, great.

Well, I found homes for two.

Yeah, well I hope to
give one to Jack LaLanne.

Yes. He's a physical
fitness expert.

Well, he kind of
owes me a favor.

I sent seven of my fat
friends to him last month.

What?

Give a puppy to Uncle
Harry? Are you kidding?

I gave him a canary once
and he complained because

it made too much noise
stomping around in its cage.

Yeah. OK, I'll see
you later, dear.

Bye.

Who would want to take a little
nap or want to go to sleepy-bye, yeah.

Take a little nap.

Oh hi, Harry.

- How did things go with the doctor?
- Oh that quack!

- You know, he gave me
allergy tests for over two hours.
- Oh really?

Yeah, it cost me $25 to
find out that I'm allergic to fur.

Oh well.

That's nothing. Just
don't wear a mink coat.

I don't mean dead fur. I mean live fur
like cats and dogs and goats and rabbits.

Uh, rabbit.

Lucille, take a letter.

Where?

Where?

- Take it down.
- Yeah, OK.

- Down on paper with a pencil.
- Yeah, yeah.

Now this letter goes to a Rylander
of Rylander, Mosure, and Tebbet.

Dear Mr. Rylander.

According to our records,
your account is long overdue.

Now, you young pups have got...

[sneezes] excuse me.

Now, I realized this is
a dog eat dog business.

But you...[sneezes]

You know, maybe I
do have an allergy.

I just mentioned the word
"dog" and I... [sneezes]

What is that doing here?

Well, he's my watchdog, Harry.
He guards against purse snatchers.

- Get that furry,
sneeze maker out of here.
- But, Harry!

Out! Out! Out! Go, go, go.

Harry?

What now? What now?

Gesundheit.

We're on the air in 40
seconds, Mr. LaLanne.

Dog gone it!

I just can't understand
what's happened to that

new student who was
supposed to work with me today.

She should have been
here a half hour ago.

Oh, good morning, Mr. LaLanne.

Oh, good morning.
Come on in here.

You're on, Jack.

- Mr. LaLanne...
- Don't talk. Let's get with it.

Here's something
great for flabby seat-itis.

My what?

Don't talk. Just put your hand
on the back of the chair and kick.

One, two, three, four,
one, two, three, four.

Come on. Get that leg up.

You look like you're suffering
from "pooped-out-itis".

Get that leg up. All right.
Let's reverse to the back.

Four, three... you're
facing the wrong way.

- It's this way.
- Oh!

Four, three, two, one,
isn't this a lot of fun?

Hup, two, three, four.

That's good.

Now, we're going
to do a little jogging.

Oh. Well, jogging I like but I really
wanted to talk you about something.

- Don't talk. Let's jog.
- Oh.

I jog around the park
every once in a while. I like it.

You know, jogging is
wonderful for you. It's great.

Ladies, this will help you
get rid of your loose caboose.

What ladies? I'm
the only one here.

Yes, but millions of people are
watching us on television right now.

Television! Oh no!

Oh, I bet my hair is a mess.

Do you have a compact?

I very rarely carry a compact.

Oh gee, I didn't expect
to be on television.

You didn't? What did you expect?

Well, I just want to
know if you like dogs.

- Of course I like dogs.
- Oh really?

Come, Happy!

Oh, what a beautiful dog.

Gee, you know, I just love dogs and the
more dogs around me, the better I like it.

- No kidding!
- Yeah!

You can stop jogging now. We'll have a
commercial break and I'll be right back.

Boy, am I glad you like dogs.

You know, Happy just had 12
puppies and I want to give you one.

- Oh!
- You're on, Jack.

OK, sit down on the floor.
Everybody sit down on the floor.

Get down on the
floor. Here we go.

Come on, down on
the floor. That's it.

Spread your feet apart,
fold your hands across your

chest and you go back
and forth like this, all right?

Here we go. One, and two, and...

Mother, the idea was to give the
puppies away, not get more of them.

I know, but you
can't win them all.

Anyway, you two did a great job
finding homes for all the others.

Yeah, but consider the price.

I'm now going steady with Debbie
Westcott and Natalie Schwartz.

I have to go to the senior
prom with Freddie Dawson;

otherwise known as the
creature from the black lagoon.

- Lucille, kids. Oh! There you are.
- Hi.

Now listen to this: "Lost,
nearly six weeks ago,

valuable English sheepdog
about to have puppies,

all pedigreed
extremely valuable.

$1000 reward for mother and
$100 for each puppy returned."

There you go. Call
Mr. Farnsworth at 555-2...

Oh, if I had the energy
I would k*ll myself.

What?

We gave all the puppies
away but this one.

Well, don't just sit there.

This reward could be the nice
little nest-egg for Kim and Craig.

You have got to get those
furry little moneybags back.

But how? How?
They're in eight different

homes. What are going
to tell all those people?

Oh, tell them anything but get them back.
Get them and hurry up! Go on! Get back...

- Right now? Yeah, well any time now.
- Yes.

Remember, the family that
connives together, survives together.

[sneezes]

- $100, $200, $300...
- Hi.

- 400...
- Hi.

Well, I did it. I got
Freddie Dawson's back.

But now, I have to go the spring
formal and the senior prom with him.

Let's have him. Let's
have him. Here we go.

[sneezes]

Uncle Harry, do you have
sit right in there with them?

My boy, a puppy in the
hand is worth two in the bush.

- Oh, I hope your mother gets here with the
last one before Mr. Farnsworth arrives.
- Yeah.

He knows these little darlings
are worth... are worth...[sneezes]

$100 apiece.

And that will buy an awful
lot of, lot of, lot of [sneezes]

- Hi everybody.
- Hi!

- Well, it took a little doing but
I got the one back from Pauline.
- Good!

Well... oh. Oh, Harry, one thing's for
sure. You are not the pick of the litter.

Just give him to
me. That's right.

You know, I'm the
banker for this outfit.

Oh, I'm very glad to hear that, Harry
because I owe Pauline Lopez $60.

I had to open my big mouth and
tell her it was a pedigreed pup.

Yeah. Uncle Harry, I promised
Debbie and Natalie friendship rings.

That's 20 bucks.

And I had to give $15
for distemper shots.

I didn't know Candy
had distemper.

Not Candy, the dog!

Well, never fear my dears.
What's a generous uncle for, huh?

Now, let's see, $20
for the friendship rings.

- Here we are. There's a $20
and what was that— - Fifteen for me.

- Fifteen, fifteen... fifteen. That's it.
- One more.

- What was that your— - Sixty.

No. Oh $60, 20, 30, 40, 60.

Harry, what's in this for you?

Lucille! I'm hurt.

Do you think I would
do this for money?

You know that Kim and Craig are the
most precious things in the world to me.

Harry, what's in this for you?

Lucille, I'm ashamed of you.
The reward is all theirs, all theirs.

- Really?
- Yes.

Well, I misjudged you. I really
thought you wanted part of the reward.

No, no, not
one little bit of it.

My usual finder's fee of


- Oh boy!
- Well now, that's only business.

[doorbell ringing]

- Mr. Farnsworth. Mr. Farnsworth!
- Ooh!

- I'll do the negotiation, remember.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Mr. Farnsworth?
- Yes.

- Won't you come in, please.
- Oh yeah.

- I'm Lucy Carter.
- Howdy.

And I'd like you meet
my children. This is Kim.

- Hello.
- Howdy.

- And Craig.
- Howdy!
- How do you do?

- And my brother-in-law, Harrison Carter.
- Howdy!

How do you do, Mr. Farnsworth?
How do you do, sir.

Well, there are your
dogs, all safe and sound.

Oh yes, 10 fine dogs and
worth a great deal of money.

Fine dogs all right,
but they ain't mine!

- [together] Not yours?
- No!

My Heidi is a purebred Old English
sheepdog and so is the puppies.

Well, this one is a sheepdog
all right but the father

is a collie and there
they are, "sheep-ollies"!

Sheep-ollies?

Well, how much are they worth?

Well, nothing to me. They ain't
my dogs. I'm still looking for Heidi.

But they're strong
dogs all right.

- Good eaters.
- Yeah, yeah, but I'm out nearly $100.

Yeah, I'm in 11 dogs.

Well, why don't you
open up your own kennel?

You got a new breed there.

You got the only
sheep-ollies in town!

- So long!
- So long!

Well, here we go again.

I wonder if all those
people will take these back.

[dog barking]

Oh fine. Just what
we need, another dog.

Yeah, with our luck
it's probably the father.

The father? The father! If
it's a collie, we're in business!

Oh my goodness!

It is a collie! It is! Here boy!

Here boy! Here! Oh,
I got a girl for you!

Here boy. Come on. Come on, boy.

You come right here. Here, boy.

Here you are! You -

Here, boy! Here, boy!