02x19 - Lucy and Viv Visit TiJuana

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy!

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr.

- Hi, mom!
- Hi, mom!

Good morning, kids.

Hey listen, you just relax.
I've already started breakfast.

Oh, thank you,
darling. I am so tired.

What's the matter?

Aunt Viv talks in her sleep.
She kept me up all night.

- She talked that loud.
- No, she talks that low.

I couldn't make out a
word she was saying.

It was so frustrating. She
just kept talking and smiling.

You couldn't understand
anything she said?

Well, just a few words like Gregory
and Kirk, and Carry and Rock.

Names came out kind of clear,
but the details were mumbled.

- Good morning.
- Oh, hi Aunt Viv.

- Oh, isn't this a beautiful day!
- Yeah and it's nice to see
you so chipper this morning.

Well, smile and the
world smiles with you.

Snore when you sleep alone.

Yeah.

Aunt Viv, what would
you like for breakfast?

I don't know. What have you got?

Well, waffles, pancakes,
eggs, sausage, bacon and ham.

That'll be fine.

- Aunt Viv?
- Uh-huh?

How long have you and
mom known each other?

Oh, a long, long time. We met
the day we had our kindergarten.

Yeah? How long was that?

Well, it was, uh...

Fifteen years ago.

Ten years ago?

Oh, make a U-turn, you're
going in the wrong direction.

Just stop asking
questions, Craig.

He's always trying to
find out how old I am.

He-he-he-he-he.
The shadow knows.

Aunt Viv, how do you like your eggs,
poached, basted or sunny side up.

That'll be fine.

Viv, I can't tell you how
much I've enjoyed your visit.

It's a shame you
have to leave so soon.

Who's leaving?

But you said you're
only staying a week.

Oh, no. I said a week or 10
days. I've still got a few days.

Well, good. Then, we can
do some more sightseeing.

What do you want to see next?

Oh, I don't know. I'm seeing
just about everything in Hollywood.

- Yeah.
- Hey, Aunt Viv, how about the zoo
in San Diego?

- The zoo?
- Oh, it's a fantastic zoo.

Yeah, and while you're there you can
cross the border and go see Tijuana.

Oh, that sounds groovy.
I've never been to Mexico.

Well, good. We'll drive down
tomorrow. It's only a three-hour trip.

Mom, in your car,
it's a three-day trip.

Oh, c'mon now, my
car is not that bad.

Yes it is. I'm not going to get stuck in
any foreign country in that old jalopy.

Hey mom, why
don't you rent a car?

Oh, no. It's too expensive.
For me, they get 10 cents a mile.

Oh, can't you borrow
Uncle Harry's car?

He gets 12 cents a mile.

Oh, honey. You could at least talk to
him. You might catch him in a good mood.

Very hard to catch
him in a good mood.

He only has two moods,
bad and miserable.

Well, at least try. I
just love to see Mexico.

- OK. I'll try.
- Atta girl.

Here you are, Aunt
Viv, everything you order

pancakes, waffles, eggs,
sausage, bacon and ham.

- Oh, thanks so much, darling.
- OK.

- Now, you mind if I have a cup of tea?
- No.

- Oh, you want sugar?
- Sugar? Oh, heavens, no.

I'm on a diet.

Well, good morning!

Good morning, Harry.

It's nice to see you
that you're early.

Thank you.

- Oh, my goodness. Is that for me?
- Yes sir.

Oh, thank you. That's
very thoughtful of you.

- Oh, my pencils were all sharpened.
- Yes, sir.

- The desk is neat and tide and
a nice fresh blotter.
- Mm-hmm.

Don't tell me, let me guess.
You're going to ask for a raise?

Oh no, Harry.

- Uh, you want a day off.
- No.

- You have some shopping to do and
you want an extra-long lunch hour.
- No.

- Oh, and am I getting warm?
- Well, yes.

I would like a
teensy-weensy favor.

- A teensy-weensy?
- Uh-huh.

Will this teensy-weensy cost
as much as last week's itsy-bitsy?

It won't cost you anything. All I
want to do is borrow something.

- Uh, you want to borrow something?
- Yeah.

- [telephone ringing] Oh, excuse me.
- Oh, Certainly.

Carter's Unique
Employment Agency.

Who's calling please?

Yes, he's here.

- It's Martin's service station.
- Oh, thank you very much.

Harrison Carter here.

The car is ready. Good.

How much?!

$297 to tune the motor?

Who tuned it? Leonard Bernstein?

Well, well. All
right, all right.

I'll pick it up this afternoon.

Well, that's highway robbery.

Did you want to
borrow something?

Borrow? No. Who
wants to borrow anything?

$297.

Well, that's what I get for letting
relatives do my repair work.

Say, I wonder if the warranty
is still good on that car.

Where do we keep the warranties?

Oh, it's in your
file. I'll get it for you.

No, no, no... You've
done enough. Thank you.

I'll get it myself.

Hi girl.

Oh, hi Viv. What
are you doing here?

Well, I was downtown
shopping so I thought I'd stop in.

Well, I'm glad you did.

How'd you make out
with the old tight-wad?

Did you get that old Horrible
Harry to loan you his car?

What's the matter with you
Lucy, are you developing a twitch?

What are you pointing at?

The old tight-wad!

Oh, what a coincidence, Harry.
We were just talking about you.

So, I noticed.

What is this about
wanting to borrow my car?

Well, Vivian wants
to go to Mexico.

Good. I'll buy her a
one-way bus ticket.

- Oh, Harry.
- Oh Lucy, if he doesn't
want to loan you his car.

Forget it. I'll see you later.

Now, now. Wait a minute Viv.

Harry, if you knew how Viv feels
about you, you wouldn't act this way.

I'm going to tell you
something that you don't know.

- Viv is just too bush how to tell you
herself so I'm going to say it for her.
- What?

Well, she thinks you are not only one of
the most handsome men that she ever met,

but that you are also
intelligent, charming, witty, sexy.

Big deal. Everybody knows that.

Oh, Lucille. Just forget it.

C'mon Harry be a sport.

Vivian is only going to be
here for a few more days.

She's never been to Mexico.

Lucy, it's against my principle
to lend my car to anyone.

However, I have never been to Mexico either
so I will be happy to drive you there.

Oh, goody, goody gum drop.
That makes my whole vacation.

Harry, it's very nice
of you to take us.

At 12 cents a mile.

Oh, that's really taking us.

At least you could
do split the costs.

Very well. It will cost
you six cents each.

- Well?
- Oh, honestly Harry.

Oh, look at this place.

Oh, that's the...

Well, isn't this great store. All
these things they're so interesting.

Oh and so reasonable.

- Girls, girls, shhhh...
- What?

Don't let the storeowner know that
you think that the price is reasonable.

- Why?
- No. You've got to outsmart them.

No matter what price
they ask offer a half.

- You got that Viv?
- Hmm. OK.

- Hey, what's this?
- What? Oh, that's a piñata.

A pin what-a?

- It's a piñata.
- What's that?

Oh well, it's a sort of a container
in Mexico at Christmastime

especially that fill it with a
candy and little gift, you know,

for the children and
then they let the kids run

around with sticks and
they break that and then...

- They break it?
- Yes.

Oh, my. Oh I got to
have one of those.

- That's very unusual.
- And very expensive.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, yeah.

Well...

Oh, look at all this
Mexican silver stuff.

Oh, isn't this nice?

Nice? That is beautiful.

I'm an expert on
Mexican silver, you know.

- I didn't know that.
- Oh, yes, yes.

Now, that bracelet is an excellent
example of ancient Aztec-Indian handicraft.

- No kidding?
- Uh-hmm.

- Just look at the workmanship on that.
- Yeah.

That probably dates back
to the pre-Columbian era.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, look at that.
There's an inscription.

- What does it say?
- Made in Japan.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la...

Oh, Viv you
absolutely beautiful.

Oh, do I look like
a sexy Mexican?

Oh, you do. You do.
Yes. You look like, um?

Dolores del Río?

No, Pancho Villa.

Harry, you're just saying that
'cause you're crazy about me.

Oh, Viv look, look. Here's the big
one's that I was telling you about.

- Oh, Mexican hat.
- Isn't this beautiful.

- Oh, wow!
- Isn't this great!

La, la, la, la, la, la, la...

- Girls—Girls!
- La, la, la, la, la, la, la...

Girls, will you
behave yourselves...

Girls, stop, stop
now, stop it...

Oh, really, you never
let us have any fun.

For heaven's sake, will you put that
stuff away before something happens to it?

- You have to pay for it.
- What will happen to it?

- Well, my goodness your behaving so badly.
- When will you have fun Harry?

Oh, you mustn't
do things like that.

- Hey, look at this.
- What.

I bet Craig will like to
have one of this, huh?

Oh well, now before you buy it, you
better make sure it has a good tone.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

That sounds flat.

- That's even flatter.
- Yeah.

That sounds beautiful.

Harry, that's the cash register.

They're playing his song.

Oh, Girls, girls, girls.

The owner will be coming
down. Now, remember

no matter what he
says bargain with him.

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

- Buenos días!
- That's too much.

- Lucille. For your information,
all he said was "Good day."
- Yes?

Oh?

That's quite right.

Did you see something you
would like to buy, maybe?

Oh, no. No... We're
just looking around.

Oh, yeah. We're
just looking around.

Oh, perhaps señor would like to
buy some perfume for your daughters.

Yeah, buy us some daddy.

Buy me some perfume daddy.

Daddy, OK, you'll buy
me some perfume, daddy.

Will you please! Both of you
stop. Behave yourselves, really.

Oh, you're disgraceful.
They are not my daughters.

Oh, well one of them
is perhaps your wife?

Neither one of them is my wife.

I see señor.

You are what we call it
in Mexico, El Swinger.

Well, I am a swinger
but not with those two.

Hey, Viv, look at
this Mexican hat.

- Oh Lucille, that's not a hat.
- What is it?

It's a fruit basket.

- A fruit basket?
- Yeah, it's got an unusual shape.

- You see, you put the bananas in
there and then you put another banana.
- Oh, you... you girls.

You are unbelievable. You don't
know anything about anything.

- What do you mean?
- Well, that is not a fruit basket.

What is it?

Well, that is a wicker
scoop that is used in

playing Mexico's
national sport, Jai-alai.

- Jai-alai?
- Yeah.

Señor that is use in Jai-alai.

Yes, in Jai-alai too.

Oh, Jai-alai. Oh, of course, I see
them play that game on television.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. They hit at the ball.

- They hit the ball all over.
- Oh, Lucy. No, no, no.

- Oh, you're doing it all wrong.
- Well, I don't know how to play it.

Look, it's very simple.
You have to put it on first.

- Oh!
- Put it on?
- Yes, it's an extension of the arm. You see.

Now, get out of the way and
I'll show you how we use it.

- You know how to play?
- Oh, of course.

As a young man, I've
been very good at this?

Very good, yes. You see.

You serve the ball
like that and you go...

Oh?

Merry Christmas señor.

That will be $25.

$25?

You breaks it, you buys it.

All right girls, that will
be, hmmm, $8.33 each.

"You breaks it, you buys it."

Gracias.

Oh, Viv, look at this
monkey isn't it darling?

Oh, that's adorable.

Kim has a birthday coming
up. I think I'll get it for her.

- Uh, Lucille, Lucille?
- Yes.

- Let me get that.
- Oh, no Harry you don't have to.

But Lucille I never know
what to get Kim. Now, I insist.

Oh well, if you insist.

- Oh, um, señor, how much is this?
- $25.

Kim's too old for that.

Harry, this is only 10
cents. Is Kim too old for this?

- Oh, Kim would really just love
this but $25 is out of the question.
- Yes.

She would... No Lucille,
let me handle this.

Señor, I would like very much to
buy this but the price is way out of line.

- How much will you pay?
- $5.

Huh! Señor is
cheap for a swinger.

$5 is much too little.

Very well... Will go someplace
else. Come along, girls.

- Harry!
- I know what I'm
doing now c'mon, c'mon.

- Wait señor come back.
- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...

I'm going to make you a proposition
because you are a nice man.

You're so intelligent, so
charming, so generous.

Big deal. Everybody knows that.

I'll give you this $25
monkey for $10 if you'll deliver

another monkey to my
three-year-old niece in Los Angeles.

Los Angeles?

I would go there myself but every
time I go to the United States, I get sick.

Oh, why is that?

I can't drink the water.

A $25 monkey
for $10, it's a deal.

- Bueno, bueno. I'm going to give you
my niece's address.
- All right.

Now, you tell little Estrellita.
The present is from Uncle Pedro.

I'll do that. There's your $10.

- Here is your monkey.
- Thank you.

And this one is for little
Estrellita. Her favorite color is pink.

Well, rest assured
she will get it.

- Yes, sir, we'll make sure
that it's delivered to her.
- Bye.

Gracias señores. Adios.

And gracias to you.

Well you two be
quiet and sit down?

You're behaving like a
couple of naughty children.

- Oh, Harry we're just having a little fun.
- Oh, sit down.

Oh, good heavens. And how long
does it take to get across the border?

We've been sitting in
line for nearly three hours.

Well, relax. There's
nothing we can do about it.

- No, Harry, and the rest will do
you good, you're a nervous wreck.
- You certainly are.

- No one that you dragged
me to every store in town.
- Oh, we did not.

And the way you spent money.

Tijuana will probably
declare this a national holiday.

I didn't buy nearly as
much as I wanted to.

I never saw such bargain.

Bargains indeed like that
crummy serape wearing.

Now, Harry, the man tells
me this was worth at least $75.

But just because it had a few little old
enchilada stains on it, I got it for $3.98.

Oh, I can't wait to show
this to the girls back home.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha..

- What are you laughing at?
- You'll be the only girl in
your block with a sloppy serape.

[singing] Sloppy serape... I saw
baby serape... A pa-pa-poppy...

Oh, will you stop it.

Look, will you two Mexican jumping
bean sit down and relax and be quite

before you have us arrested
for disturbing the peace.

- Oh, Harry.
- Good heavens.

Oh, look the guard has finally
gotten finished with that car.

- Now, when he comes
over, don't you say a word.
- Why not?

Because every time you
open your mouths, you

get me in trouble and
cost me a lot of money.

Just be quite.

All right.

Howdy folks, do you
have anything to declare?

Oh, just the usual souvenirs
officer, a few knick knacks.

Oh, I'd like to go look at
those, step out of the car please.

Oh, yes sir. Yes officer.

Delighted, yes indeed.

- Where shall I?
- I'll look at them over here.

Over there, yes
sir. Sir, here we are.

Yeah, that's donkey...

Oh those are for my nephews,
very good on the bongo's.

We will scare the kids
at Halloween with that.

That's for my niece.

Is something wrong?

This one seems to
weigh more than this one.

Oh, well. That's because it
has the cellophane wrapping.

Why are you taking
that off? It will get all dirty.

Don't take that.
What's that for?

What? Wait a minute,
you can't do that.

- Yes, I can.
- What are you doing?

- I was going to open the seam.
- Open the seam?

That's a...

Now, what do you call these?

Uh, uh, gallstone.

Very funny. Now,
where did you get them?

Well, I didn't even
know they were in there.

Hey, look officer, my name
is Harrison Otis Carter.

I'm a respectable businessman from Los
Angeles and we just bought some souvenirs.

And you didn't have any idea
the diamonds were in there?

- Well, thank goodness you understand.
- I should.

I hear that c*ck
story 12 times a day.

Mister you and your
friends have a lot to explain.

Friends?

Officer, we are no friends. We
never see him before in our lives.

No, no, officer. He picks
us up in the Tijuana bar.

Isn't that right, Conchita?

Oh, si, si, Lolita. I think.

Oh, we should have
listened to Mamasita.

She tells us never to
talk to a strange man.

Si, And this man
is very strange.

Oh, he is very, very strange.

He's got diamonds in his monkey.

Will you stop that?

This is no time for
jokes. Tell him the truth.

- No comprende!
- What do you mean no comprende?!

What do you mean?
[inaudible arguing]

Now, tell me. Are those
monkeys belongs to you?

No. One is my secretary
and the other is her friend.

No. I mean these.

Oh, well. That
one belongs to me.

Uh, this one, I'm delivering
to someone in Los Angeles.

Now, officer, I assure
you I'm innocent.

Why, I must be the victim of some
smuggling racket or something.

I ask you. Do I
look like a crook?

Ask me.

That will teach him
to call us monkeys.

All right. Out of
the car señoritas.

C'mon.

Oh, he's a big one.

I'm going to ask
you some questions.

Well, aren't you
going to frisk me?

No ma'am.

Oh, go ahead and frisk me.

No ma'am.

Oh, now. I know my right as
an American citizen, frisk me.

Now, mister. What do
you know about these?

I told you officer. I don't
know anything about this.

All I know is that the storekeeper gave
me a very good deal on that white monkey

if I would deliver the other
one to his niece in Los Angeles.

Yeah, that's exactly what happened and
the name of the place was Pedro's Bazaar.

That's right. Now, here's
the niece's address.

Her name is Estrellita
and she's three years old.

Yeah, he's not ashamed only three
years old and already a smuggler.

- Well, we'll check out
this Pedro's Bazaar.
- Yeah, you really should.

Good, good. You'll find
that I'm telling the truth.

- Oh, and if you want to get in
touch with me my address is...
- Your address is right here.

- What?
- We're holding you in custody
until we check out your story.

Oh, no...

Hey Viv, that will give us time
to go back in Mexico and take

up some more bargains like
those genuine alligator handbags.

- Yeah, with the solid gold
class print for a $1.98.
- Yeah, let's do it.

- Hold it ladies.
- What?

- You're not going anywhere.
- Why not?

- I'm holding both of you in custody too.
- Why?

Well, for giving false
information to a custom's

officer, for denying
that you know this man,

and from personating
Mexican citizens.

Oh, well that was just a joke.

That was a joke. Don't
you have a sense of humor?

Oh, sure I do. In fact, I must
spend the next three or four

hours laughing with you while
I checked out your identities.

Oh, now listen officer, really.
I'm Vivian Jones from North

Salem, New York and I'm
out here visiting in Los Angeles.

- I'm just visiting my friend.
- Yeah, that's right.

And I'm Lucy Carter from Los Angeles
and I work for him as a secretary.

Are they telling the truth?

I've never see them
before in my life, senor.

Harry, what do you mean by that?

Señorita, remember I pick
you up in the Tijuana bar.

Harry, this has
gone far enough now.

What is this Harry?

Who is Harry? My name is Pablo.

Your name is Conchita.
Here is Lolita your mama is...

Now, Harry,
Harry...[inaudible arguing]