02x22 - Lucy and Wayne Newton

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

But it is unfair! We came all the
way to Los Angeles for nothing.

Well don't blame me.
It's your mother's fault.

- Now, Harry.
- Quiet, Lucille, quiet.

- Your mother promised to take you to some
shows when we got to Las Vegas, right?
- Right.

- She saved up the money for it, right?
- Right.

She even got an advance on her
salary so she'd be able to do it, right?

Yeah, but Harry...

Please, don't "but Harry"
me. It was your fault.

I stopped at a gas
station to get the tank filled

and you said, "I think
I'll powder my nose."

Yeah but...

And then you lost all of
your money in a slot machine.

I didn't know it
was a slot machine.

You didn't know?

No. When I saw all those cherries
and oranges and plums and lemons,

I thought I was going to get fruit
drops out of a candy machine.

Oh, hey look! Dean
Martin's appearing there.

- Where?
- Right back there.

Oh! He's one of my favorites.

Yeah. Me too.

Harry, do me a favor.

Lend me enough money so I
can take them to see Dean Martin.

- No, Lucille.
- Oh!

Harry, how can you be so cruel?

All right. All right. Let's
stop all these bickering.

We are going home.

Gee, I can't wait to tell all of
my friends about our exciting trip.

Yeah. Me too.

It they ask me where
we stayed, I can tell them

that we spent ten glorious
minutes at a gas station.

Uncle Harry, don't you feel badly
about not seeing at least one show?

I did not take this trip to waste
my time on frivolity and shows.

If you didn't come to see
shows and if you didn't

come to gamble, what did
you come to Las Vegas for?

He came to kiss
Howard Hughes' ring.

Lucille.

We have a long ride
home and I'm sure we'll

all enjoy much more
without your snide remarks.

- If there's anything I cannot stand...
- Hey! Hey look!

There's an animal
on the side of the road.

Where?

- Right over there.
- Oh yeah! Look!

Pull over, Harry.

All right.

Oh gee, he's cute.

- I wonder what it is?
- It looks like some kind of horse to me.

Oh, it couldn't be a horse.

I just can't picture John
Wayne sitting on one of these.

Mom, listen, if it's not a horse,
maybe it's some kind of a pony.

Wait a minute.

I know. I've read a
great deal about these.

Oh well, what is it?

Well that's um, that's a horse.

To Mickey Rooney it's a horse.
To John Wayne it's a pony.

I wonder where it came from.

Craig, I've told you about
the birds and the bees.

- Mom, I mean what ranch does it belong to?
- Oh.

Well, I don't know
about that. Uh-oh.

- It must be a very expensive animal.
- What makes you say that?

Look at the monogram.

- Mom it's a brand.
- Oh!

Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Let me look at that now.

That's... there's a
C and a D and an S.

Well we got to find a
ranch with the initial CDS.

Come on let's go. Come
on horsey get in the car.

You're not going to
put that horse in my car.

Well, do you want to
carry it on your back?

This must be the place.

Yup.

Oh my!

Hey, you know, this looks
like a good-sized ranch.

Yeah. They've got
horses and a riding ring.

And what a magnificent view.

Oh look somebody's coming.

I wonder if he's the owner, mom.

No. He couldn't be the owner.

He looks much too young
to have such a big spread.

Oh, you're right Harry.

A man doesn't get a big
spread till he's your age.

Hey! He's kind of cute.

To you, anything in pants,
over six feet tall is cute.

Hi there.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What can I do for you?

Well... Well, we uh, we're
just driving and we found a...

Wait a minute. Aren't
you Wayne Newton?

Well if I'm not, I'm
collecting an awful lot

of record royalties
under false pretenses.

Well, don't you remember
us? The Carter family.

We met you when you
appeared at the Coconut Grove.

Yes. I took them
there for Kim's birthday.

That's right.

Ah yes! You're Mrs.
Carter, you're Kim

- and you're Craig.
- Uh-huh.

And you're her brother-in-law.

Wait a second.
Harrison Otis Carter.

That's right. I'm very flattered
that you've remembered me.

I'll never forget you.

When you paid your
check that night, you insisted

that I sing two choruses
of "Hey Big Spender."

- Mr. Newton, we found something down the
road that just might belong to you.
- Oh?

Yeah. We have it in the car.

- Where do you park?
- Right down there.

Right down there. I'll
show you where it is.

- Hey mom.
- Yeah?

At least our trip to Vegas
wasn't a complete washout.

We didn't see any shows
but we saw Wayne Newton.

How about that?

Oh my goodness.
How did you get out TT?

- TT?
- Tiny Tim.

Tiny Tim, isn't that cute?

Hey, I really appreciate
you bringing him back.

Oh, it was nothing.

Oh, yes it was.

TT is a very valuable animal.

He's an Angolan miniature
horse from South America.

Oh!

- Exactly what I said, an Angolan
miniature horse from South America.
- You didn't say that.

- Well, that's what I said.
- You didn't know what it was.

- You just said you read about
it being in a book, that's all.
- Well, well.

- Oh isn't he adorable.
- There we are, TT.

Gee, I'd sure like to
give you folks a reward.

- Oh! We can't take the reward.
- Oh, yes we can.

Look, I'm so grateful for
you bringing him back.

Can I at least offer
you a cold drink?

A cold drink? What
happened to the reward?

Harry.

We'd love to have a cold drink.

Fine. Come on follow me.

- Well a cold drink I guess
is better than nothing.
- Oh, come on.

What?

Did you see the sign back there that
said, "ranch hands wanted" on the gate?

Yeah. What about it?

Well I was thinking,
if we could get that job

as ranch hands, we could
earn some extra money,

go back to Vegas
and see a few shows.

Hey mom! Could we?
That's a great idea.

Yeah. Of course Uncle
Harry would probably object.

We'll have to find
some way to trick him.

What's the matter mom?
Did I say something wrong?

Wrong?

Heck no. I reckon you're
a chip off the old block.

Let's mosey along to
the old coral, partners.

Any more lemonade, anyone?

No thanks.

See, Lucille it's getting
late. We better leave.

Yeah, but wait
just a minute, Harry.

Mr. Newton, when we came through the gate,
I saw your sign "ranch hands wanted" and

well uh, we'd like
to apply for the job.

Jobs as ranch hands?

Yes. Harry and I are
experienced manglers.

- Wranglers, mom.
- Oh, that too.

So we thought maybe we could
work here for a while and not

only pick up a few dollars but
uh, be able to help you out too.

Oh well, I, I'd appreciate that.

We could use some
good help around here.

You say you've had
some experience?

Oh, shucks tarnation, yup.

Well um, do any of you
know how to bulldog a steer?

- Oh, sure. Harry does.
- What?

And not only that, he
knows how to steer a bulldog.

- Well, OK you're hired.
- Great!

Thank you.

You'll find your sleeping quarters and
some working clothes over at the bunkhouse.

Oh good. Good. Uh,
right down that way, huh?

- Come on. I'll show you.
- Oh, thank you.

- Bunk house?
- You're getting paid, aren't you?

- Fellows!
- Yeah.

I just hired us some
new ranch hands.

Yeah. We saw them. You can tell
they don't know anything about ranching.

Well maybe not. But they're nice
people. I think they could use some money.

Did they just come
from Las Vegas?

Yeah.

They can use the money.

Well look, they refused
a reward for bringing back

TT and giving them a
job is the least I could do.

Well, I don't know if
that's a smart move or not.

Well, maybe not but you would
like to get rid of this, wouldn't you?

Oh gosh, yes.

Craig, Harry, we're waiting.

All right.

You know mom, I feel a little
guilty about fibbing to Mr. Newton.

Fibbing? What fibbing?

Well saying we had
any ranching experience.

Well now, that was no fib.

You and Craig know
how to handle horses.

I know all about ranching.

You do?

Of course. When I was your age, I saw every
Jean Autry picture at least three times.

Oh, mom. You know what I mean.

Don't worry, honey.
We'll do all right.

OK. You varmints,
reach for the sky.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Oh!

- That's funny, Craig.
- Nice, huh?

- Yeah. You look great.
- Yeah.

Harry we're waiting. Come
on! We got to get to work.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Why I ever let you talk me into
this silly idea, I'll never know.

What's so funny?

Those pants.

It's the first time I ever saw you
wear anything tighter than you.

Hardy har har
har. You're a riot.

Are you ready to
report for work, sir?

Yes. Yes. And since we're getting
paid, we will give value received.

- I'm glad to hear that.
- Yeah.

There goes all value received.

Value received.

OK. Is everybody ready for work?

- Yes.
- Yes, sir.

- OK, Kim you brush the horse.
- Right.

- Craig, you mend the fences.
- Mend the fences, all righty.

- And Uncle Harry you get
the hay out of the loft.
- Right.

Oh, what am I supposed to do?

Oh your job is going
to be to clean up.

Oh well, I will be
able to do that all right.

I've been a housewife for
years. Where's the broom?

Be my guest.

- You mean you want me to...?
- Oh gosh, yes.

- Are you sure you don't want some more
spareribs?
- No. No thanks.

It was a wonderful
barbecue, Wayne.

Those spareribs
were sensational.

They were finger-licking good.

Yeah. But you're only supposed to lick
your own fingers. Not everybody else's.

- Oh now, cut that out.
- Oh come on give me that.

There's enough for 40 people.

Say Wayne, I read once in the fan magazine
that you're part Indian. Is that true?

Well, yes, Kim. I'm
half Cherokee Indian.

Oh that means that you're
one of the original Americans.

As a matter of fact, all my
ancestors were part of the old west.

I had a great, great grandfather who was
one of the original pony express riders.

He was?

Yes ma'am. He even set a
record for the pony express.

He rode five days and nights
without ever getting out of the saddle.

Was he a red skin?

Part of him was.

Wayne, would you sing us a song?

Oh Kim, you can't ask a
big star like Wayne Newton

to sing a song just to
entertain a few people.

He's not a ham.

- I am too.
- Oh!

- We all are, aren't we fellows?
- Oh gosh, yes.

- Oh, well.
- Hedger, hand me my guitar.

Oh wonderful.

Thank you.

- Hey since, it's such a beautiful night,
how about the tumbling tumbleweed?
- Oh yeah.

♪♪

[singing] I'm a roving
cowboy, roving all day long.

Tumbleweeds around
me, sing their roving song.

Nights underneath the prairie
moon, I'll ride along and sing this tune.

See them tumbling down.
Pledging their love to the ground.

Lonely but free I'll be found. Drifting
along with the tumbling tumbleweeds.

I know when night has gone [has
gone] There's a new world's born at dawn.

I'll keep rolling along.
Deep in my heart is a song.

Here on the range I belong. Drifting
along with the tumbling tumbleweeds.

Drifting along with the
tumbling tumbleweeds.

- Oh, that's was wonderful. Wonderful.
- It sure was.

- Sing another song.
- Another song? Well uh.

Well, look, I tell you,
g*ng, you know, we got an

awful lot of chores to do
very early in the morning

- and I suggest we all turn in.
- Oh, but it's so early.

If I go to bed now, I'll be awake
at six o'clock in the morning.

Oh well, if you get up at six, you're going
miss breakfast because we eat at five.

Five?

- All righty, here we go.
- Hey you two can talk later.

- OK.
- Ready?
- Yeah.

- You can let go of them.
- OK.
- Bye bye see you later.

- Bye, have fun.
- See you later.

Now don't be late for
breakfast and don't get lost.

Mom. We're only going
to ride around the ring.

Oh. Well don't get dizzy.

- Good morning!
- Oh! Good morning.

- Hey, that's quite a pair
of kids you got there.
- Thank you, sir.

They sure do have good seats.

They sure do have good seats.
I certainly paddled them enough.

No. No. I mean
they sure ride well.

Oh! Oh! Thank you.

Did you teach them?

No. No. No. They picked
it out by themselves.

The only time I ever got on a horse, I
fell off and that was on a merry go round.

Well, looks like
the iron is ready.

Now then, we will
round up that ornery little

white face critter
there and brand him.

- OK. Here bossy.
- All right. Get along in there.

- Hold on. There you go.
- Come on, babe.

Hey hey.

Head him off. Head
him off the path.

- What path?
- Head him off anywhere.

Where are you going,
you miserable little.

- Why don't you hang on it?
- How can I hang on?

This isn't a calf. It's a cow.

Now, now. Now, hold
it. Just talk nice to him.

- Talk nice. You talk nice.
- Here, baby.

- Here baby.
- I'm going to... I'm going to rope him.

Don't you worry about
a thing. I'll get him.

Go under there.
Get out of the way.

- You're supposed to rope the calf.
- Get out of the way.

- Will you go home?
- I got him.

- You got him?
- I got him.

Good. Hang on.

- Hang on.
- I got him.

I had him!

- Where is he?
- Here, bossy.

There we go. There
we are. We've got him.

We've got him.

You know what? I'm just afraid
to do it. I'm afraid it would hurt him.

Nonsense. Veterinarians
say it can't hurt the calf.

Yeah? Well what
does the calf say?

Never mind. It won't hurt him.

Now come on. Will you hurry up?

- Well easy. Easy. Easy.
- Yeah. Well all right.

Ah!

Hey Wayne that's great. How
did you get your horse to do that?

Well first of all you got to
be smarter than the horse.

Just watch.

♪♪

[singing] I've got the world on
a string I'm sitting on a rainbow.

Got the string around my little finger.
Lucky me, can’t you see. I'm in love.

Hey I've got a song
that I sing. I can make

the rain go. Any time
I move my little finger.

Lucky me, can’t
you see - I'm in love.

Life's a beautiful thing.
As long as I hold the string.

I'd be a silly so-and-so If
I should ever let you go.

Hey I've got the world on a
string. I'm sitting on a rainbow.

Got the string around my little finger.
Hey lucky me, can’t you see - I'm in love.

We got the world on a string. Sitting on a
rainbow Got the string around my finger.

What a world. [what a wonderful
world] What a life. [what a crazy life]

What a world. [what a life]
What a world - we're in love.

Oh! Oh boy! Oh!

Mr. Newton. That
was spectacular!

Oh yeah, Wayne. You
were just wonderful.

And so were you kids.

Thanks.

Boy, they sure were. I think they're
going to be a great addition to the act.

Oh Wayne, is there any
chance of me being in the act?

And me too.

Definitely.

You two are going
to be very important.

You're going to close the act.

- We're going to close the act.
- What do we do?

- You mean...?
- Yup.

Come on kids. Let's
unsaddle the horses.

I've never been so
insulted in my life. I quit.

You ought to quit too, Lucille.

What? And leave show business?