02x24 - Lucy Competes With Carol Burnett

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy!

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr.

[singing] Oh, you beautiful
doll, sexy, beautiful woman.

Carol Krausmeyer!

Lucy!

I haven't seen you since you
quit your job with Zimmerman.

Oh yes! Zippy old Zimmerman,
the wolf of Wilshire boulevard.

You know, I was doing typing in shorthand
and what I really needed was karate.

You forgot the first rule they
thought us in secretarial school-

"Never work for a man
that you can't outrun!"

Lady, please I got to get
home. My wife is having a baby.

Oh, oh. When is she expecting?

In seven months. I don't
think I'm going to make it.

Oh, go right ahead
and happy baby.

I think I'll have some cottage
cheese and some buttermilk.

I'm on a diet.

Good heavens.

That doesn't look like lunch;
it looks like a white Christmas.

Listen, how come you're on a
diet, I mean with your figure?

- Can you keep a secret?
- Sure.

I'm in a beauty contest.

You heard me! A beauty contest!

You want to make
something out of it?

Shall we sit over here?

Carol, is that the Secretary
Beautiful Contest that you entered?

- Yeah, that's the one.
- Mm hmm.

How come you didn't enter it?

Oh, well I don't believe in exhibiting
my body like a horse in a horse show.

Well, comb out my
tail and call me Mr. Ed.

Personally, I don't mind exhibiting what
nature blessed me with -a ravishing body.

Well, my kids wanted to enter
me into the contest but I said no.

A definite no.

Well, good. You know, Lucy I'm kind of
glad you decided not to enter the contest

because I would hate to compete
against a friend and break her heart.

Break my heart?

Now, just a minute.

If I did enter that
contest, I think that I

would stand a pretty
good chance of winning.

You? Win?

Nothing personal.

Tell me Carol, what's
wrong with these legs?

They're not just for
transportation you know.

Nothing.

But those are what we call in
beauty contest circles, runner-up legs.

Now, this is the
leg of a champion!

My goodness! He ought to be
more careful, he's expecting a baby.

- Hey Kim!
- What?

- Guess what!
- What?

- Remember that picture I sent
in for mom?
- Yeah.

It did the trick!

They accepted her in the
Secretary Beautiful Contest!

Oh great!

Oh good, she'll be home any
minute now and you can tell her.

Why should I have to tell her?

Because it was your
idea to send in her picture.

Uh-uh, you tell her.

You're older.
You've lived longer.

You tell her. You
take a punch better.

You know, maybe I
should have not done it.

Mom didn't want to enter
that contest in the first place.

Hi there kids!

Hi!

- Sorry, I'm late but I'll
have your din-din soon.
- Okay.

Well, what's new
around here today?

Oh, nothing special.

I got an A in English and Rodney
Dawson asked me to go out with him

and we entered you in the
Secretary Beautiful Contest!

Well, good honey...

What did you say?

I got an A in English.

No, after that.

Rodney Dawson asked
me to go out with him.

No, no, after that.

- Well, mom...
- No prompting from the audience.

Well?

We entered you in the
Secretary Beautiful Contest.

What?!

Now, mom don't lose your cool.

Lose my cool?

I told you kids that I didn't
want to enter that thing!

Oh, but mom you're a cinch
to win! You're so beautiful!

Yeah, and you've
got a terrific figure!

Now, don't try to win
me over with logic.

This is ridiculous.

I told you I didn't want to do it and I
am not going to go into that contest.

Yeah, mom I guess you're
right the competition is too stiff.

Yeah, and the odds
are you wouldn't win.

Who says?

If I enter I think I'd stand a
pretty good chance of winning.

"You win?"

Oh, yeah?

"You heard me."

You kids, you get your own dinner.
Your mother is going out and buy a bikini.

Well, Miss America!

Good morning Harry.

I was just walking around with
this telephone book on my head.

Well, you have more
on your head than in it.

And what's this about you entering
the Secretary Beautiful Contest?

Oh well, my kids
signed me up so I'm just

going along for the
laughs and the first prize.

It says here that Robert
Alda is going to be the judge.

Who knows, maybe he favors
women from a bygone era.

Oh Harry, honestly you're
always putting me down.

Gee, I don't know.

Maybe I ought to
withdraw from the contest.

I don't even know
how to walk right.

Ah, well.

There I can help you.

You can?

Yes, yes. It so happens that I
directed all my college musicals.

- I didn't know that.
- Oh yes. I did, a dozen of them at least.

Now, I can coach you.

Now, let me show you how a girl
should walk in a beauty contest.

Oh, okay.

Now, let's see here.

Now, of course you understand
you have to float gracefully,

gently, as if you were wading
through a sea of whip cream.

c*m sa.

Oh gee, Harry,
you walk beautifully.

I know.

- Keep studying me.
- All right.

You've got my vote baby!

Oh. Hi, Carol.

Hi.

Boy, you must have the
wildest office parties in town.

Oh, Carol. Mr. Carter
this is Carol Krausmeyer.

Mr. Carter was just showing
me how a model walks.

Yeah, that... that... that
was what I was doing.

Sure kid.

We've all got our problems.

The important
thing is, be happy.

If you ladies will excuse
me, I have an appointment.

Oh, sweetie, don't look now
but your seams are crooked.

You're a fink!

- Huh?
- I said you're a fink, a
red ding-ding-a-ling thing.

Why?

You said you weren't
going to enter that contest!

Oh no, don't blame me
Carol! It wasn't my idea.

Cross my heart and hope my
hair turns back to it's natural color.

If it can remember what it was.

- Now listen, Carol...
- Mom... oh.

- Hi dear!
- Sorry.

Hi. Kim, come in sweetheart.

This is my good friend
Carol Krausmeyer.

This is my daughter Kim.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi.

- Oh, she's a doll.
- Thank you.

- Oh, she's gorgeous.
- Thank you.

Gee if I could borrow that face
tomorrow I could live my legs at home.

Well, I've got to run
Lucy. I'm triple parked

between a police
car and a fire engine.

Okay.

- All right. Goodbye dear.
- Goodbye.

- Oh, and... hey Lucy.
- What?

Why don't we have a
good clean fight? Okay?

Okay.

May the prettiest girl win.

Oh, thank you Carol
that's very sweet of you.

Oh, you should've
seen what she did.

Mother, I came over to tell you
what I just heard in the beauty parlor.

Now, honey I have told
you never to repeat gossip.

Now, I don't want to hear it.

- But it concerns you!
- I want to hear it.

Well, you're good friend Carol is going to
do something very low and underhanded.

What? What?

She's going to sneak over to
see Robert Alda who's judging

that contest to find out
what type of girl he prefers.

That proves you can
never trust a woman!

Is this all right? Should
I make it a little higher.

Oh, what's the difference.

With what the girls will be
wearing, who's going to see it.

Let's see now, that's done.

That's done. Uh-ha.

Mr. Alda?

Trick or treat?

I'm Pennie Prichard from
Anti-everything magazine.

You probably never seen
it. We're underground.

Give my regards to the gophers.

Say, the cast at Anti-everything magazine
would like to have an interview with you.

We'd like to find out what
type of doll grabs you the most?

Well, I think that's
rather personal.

How about a flower child with
plenty of blooms still left on her petals?

Say, a type like me.

I sure dig you.

I thought you were
anti-everything.

Not when I'm on my own time.

So anyway I think
maybe if you would fill-

Coming through
boys, coming through.

Easy! Careful!

Sorry, I'm just getting
rid of some of my hostility.

Hostilities against what?

Against certain evil
forces whoever she maybe!

Now, look Ms. Prichard, I've
got this beauty contest to...

Yeah, well that's what I came
here to wrap about Mr. Alda.

We would like to know for instance what
type of mouth do you dig most on a doll?

Hey!

Old lady, why don't you
take a detergent break.

I'll bet you dig chicks with a
wide, sexy, sensuous mouth.

Like mine, huh?

That reminds me I left
the broom closet open.

Hey old lady, you got one tooth missing.
How would you like to try to for five?

Just a moment!

Now, I don't know what's going on
here but I've got a beauty contest to run.

Oh, I wonder if Bert Parks
ever had days like this.

Carol Krausmeyer, you're
two-faced enough to be twins!

Lucy!

How about a flower
child Mr. Alda?

Hold it grandma!

You came down here too remember?

Oh, you're pretty sneaky wearing all that
makeup so you'll look younger and prettier.

Where did you ever dream
off a goofy outfit like that?

From some goofy dame on TV.

Oh, she must be
some kind of nut!

Speaking of nuts, you don't
really think you could win

this beauty contest with that
skinny shape of yours do you?

I have seen you
in a bathing suit.

You look like a spider
on a hunger strike!

Huh! Looks who's
talking about shapes.

Compared to you tiny Tim
looks like Raquel Welch!

Anyway, you're
nothing but an amateur.

I've already won
the silver trophy.

Oh for heaven's sake, Carol!

When are you going to stop bragging about
winning that Yogi bear look-alike contest?

You're just jealous because
you finished out of the money!

- Oh yeah?!
- Yeah!

That's the first time I ever
noticed your eyes have crossed.

That's from looking
onto yours, honey!

- Oh yeah?!
- Yeah!

Thank you very much
ladies and gentleman, and

welcome to the Secretary
Beautiful Contest!

And now without further ado, I'd
like to present our five lovely finalist!

[singing] Don't they look so
sweet from their heads to feet.

They are heavenly
things not just earthlings.

Watch them float across,
fighting for their boss.

Secretary beautiful,
we love you.

Watch them float across,
fighting for their boss.

Secretary beautiful,
we love you.

Don't they look so sweet
from their heads to feet.

They are heavenly
things not just earthlings.

Watch them float across,
fighting for their boss.

Secretary beautiful,
we love you.

Watch... secretary...
no, no, no...

Don't they look so sweet
from their heads to feet.

They are heavenly
things not just earthlings.

Watch them float across,
fighting for their boss.

Secretary beautiful,
we love you.

A nation that can live
together in peace and harmony

and that's what
America means to me.

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Thank you Ms. Wilde.
Thank you very much.

And now our next contestant with
her recitation - Ms. Carol Krausmeyer!

What America means to me!

America...

Okay who's the wise
guy who swiped America?

- Oh, hi Bob.
- Keep it under 30 seconds.

Yes, yes. Okay.

What America means to
me kept under 30 seconds.

What... Ah-hum.

Our magnificent country fellow
citizens began with 13 colonies

which was considered an unlucky
number so they added 37 more.

Most recently we acquired
Alaska because of her blubber.

And Hawaii because of Don h*.

Don h*.

Unity is what has made our
country strong fellow Americans!

For instance, take
the cotton belt.

So called because on a
hot day when you're picking

cotton you got to take
a belt now and then.

In conclusion, fellow patriots I urge
you all to use your country's products.

Buy American...

That's ah...

That's the last map I'll ever
buy that's made in Japan.

Thank you, Carol.
Thank you very much.

Thank you Bob. My pleasure.

Thank you.

And now ladies and gentleman
our final contestant doing

her recitation on Christopher
Columbus-Lucille Carter!

[singing] Gee it's
all fine and dandy...

No, no please. Lucille Carter.

Good luck.

Christopher Columbus
discovered America as we all know,

and we all know that Columbus
sailed to America in three ships,

the Niña, the Pinta,
and the Santa Anida.

And Columbus got his money, his financing
for the trip from Queen Ferdinand.

No, no, no I think the queen was
Isabela. I'm not sure about Ferdinand.

Now, Columbus didn't
intend to discover America,

he just wanted to prove to a bunch
of squares that the world is round.

But we know he discovered
it because if he hadn't

then we wouldn't have
Columbus, Oheo -Ohio.

And we wouldn't have CBS,
Columbus Broadcasting System.

And it wouldn't rain in
Indianapolis in the winter time

or any of those things like
that that I think is very nice.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you Ms. Grodie.

Thank you very much.

And now to continue the talent portion of
our show, here is Ms. Carol Krausmeyer!

Well now, Carol, what
are you going to do for us?

What do you want me to do?

No, no I mean what talent
are you going to demonstrate?

What do you do best?

You asked for it, Charley.

Is that it?

There's more if
you got the time.

That will be about enough.
Thank you very much.

Thank you, Carol.

- See you later.
- Yes, thank you.

- And now...
- You're cute.

Thank you. Thank you, Carol.

And now our final
contestant, Ms. Lucille Carter!

I see you're going
to play your little horn.

Yes.

- What are you going to play for us?
- Little Brown Jug.

Alright. Would you like the
orchestra to accompany you?

No, they'd only spoil it.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

They liked it.

Well, that's about it
ladies and gentleman!

And now we'll have
to get the first prize out.

First prize!

All right girls, when you're called, come
on up, take your places right here please.

Now, ladies and gentleman, the
exciting moment we've all been waiting for!

Now, I found it very difficult
to make a selection between

two finalist so I'm
declaring a tie for first place!

The winners are:

Ms. Tonya Ezu
and Lavelle Robbie.