03x02 - Lucy, the Skydiver

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

[television] But Cynthia, I must
fly to Addis Ababa immediately.

I'll marry you there.

Hah! A likely story.

Herby please leave
me alone for a while.

I must have time
to think it over.

What's to think? It's the
oldest line in the world, Cynthia.

Very well, Cynthia,
I'll go but I shall return.

Goodbye, Cynthia.

Goodbye, Herby.

Goodbye and good riddance.

Ahh!

Oh, what are you trying to do?

Make your poor mother's
hair turn gray again?

No, mom, I wanted
to surprise you.

Well, you did all right.

What have you done
up that like that for?

Well, I'd taken spear fishing.

Spear fishing?

Over my dead flippers you are.

That's a very a dangerous sport!

You spear your fish off a plate.

Oh, mom it's a wild sport.

You see, you swim underwater
until you spot a big fish and then pow!

You've got dinner for a week.

Yeah, but if you back into a swordfish,
pow! He's got dinner for a week.

Mom, swordfish
aren't man eaters.

They don't even like
the taste of people.

So, we could take a bite
out of you and spit it out?

Listen, believe me, there
is nothing to worry about.

Now, everyone knows
that fish are nearsighted.

Yeah? Well, with your luck,
you get one with contact lenses.

Now, look, just forget the
whole crazy idea, Craig.

Mom, you've got to get with it.

These days, a guy
has to do his own thing.

Fine, but you'll do
your own thing above

water where your mother
can keep an eye on it.

Hi, mom.

Hi, shark bait.

Well? What do you think?

Are you playing for the Rams?

Mom, isn't this wild? I just
joined a motorcycle club.

A motorcycle club?
Another daredevil.

Well, you send it your resignation? I
raised a daughter, not Steve McQueen.

- Come on, mother.
Now, these days— - I know.

These days a girl has
to do her own thing.

What is it with you kids?

Are you trying to make
an orphan out of me?

Mom, let Kim do her thing
and let me do my thing.

Don't get so uptight.

What do you mean
don't get so uptight?

Motorcycles, sharks, I'll be
losing by land and one by sea.

Twelve minutes, twelve
minutes and one second.

Twelve minutes and two seconds.

Twelve minutes
and three seconds.

Twelve...

Oh, good morning, Harry.

Uh, how late am I?

Twelve minutes and three seconds
until the moment you smashed my watch.

Oh, look at poor Mickey Mouse.

- You broke his tail.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Harry.

Lucille, what is your excuse for being
late today, not that I'll believe you.

Well, I had to stop and buy a
book on how to wrestle an alligator.

That I believe.

You see Craig has taken has taken up shark
fighting and Kim is racing motorcycles.

So, if I tell them that I'm
going to wrestle alligators,

I figure they'll stop doing their
thing. If I stop doing my thing,

which is really a thing I'm never
going to start doing actually.

You talk just the way you type.

Thank you.

Harry, I need your help.

You're their only uncle and you
should reason with those kids.

Me? Reason with the
younger generation?

- I'd rather wrestle alligators.
- Here's the book.

Please, Lucille, when you
have your problems, I have mine.

If the Carter employment
agency doesn't get

to business soon, we
will be out of business.

Now, please sit down.
I want to dictate a letter.

- Now Harry— - Sit down!

To the Valley Gazette.

Dear sirs, regarding
that ad we put in your so

called paper, there
had been absolutely no...

Drying your nails?

- Bull fighter.
- What?

If I can get the kids to think
that I am going to be a bullfighter;

they'll give up their
dangerous hobbies.

They wouldn't want their mother fighting
a ferocious beast like that, would they?

Well, don't go by me. I'd buy a
front seat and cheer for the bull!

I wonder why my kids
want to destroy themselves.

I can't understand it.

Oh, I can.

Oh, many is the time after you
pulled one of your idiotic goofs.

I have stood before that
open window and said,

"One giant step for mankind,
one small step for Harry."

Harry! That's a wonderful idea.

Forget it! I'm not
going to jump.

No, I didn't mean
you. I meant me.

Oh, be my guest.

Harry, what do they call that sport,
the most dangerous sport of all?

Marriage?

No.

I mean where they jump out of
airplanes without opening their parachutes.

- Oh, skydiving.
- Skydiving, that's it!

I'll be a skydiver.

Then I'll be able to
make deal with the kids.

If they'll give up spear fishing and
motorcycling, I'll give up skydiving.

Oh, I hope so.

You'd only confuse the swallows
on their way to Capistrano.

Craig?

How do you like my new belt?

I'm wearing it when I go motorcycling
with Tommy Murphy tomorrow.

- You're riding a motorcycle with him?
- Yeah.

He's the fattest guy I know.
He must weigh 400 pounds!

Yeah, isn't it great? He
keeps the wind off me.

Kim, listen, whatever you do, don't
let mom talk you out of motorcycling.

Well, only if you don't let her
talk to you about spear fishing.

- No, I won't.
- Okay.

[singing] Off we go,
into the wild blue yonder.

Wee! I'm a giant bird.

I'm floating in space.

Hello down there!

What's with you, mom?

Just come back
from an office party?

Kids, I got to think
about our little discussion

and I decided you
were absolutely right.

Everybody should
do his own thing.

- You mean you don't mind my spear fishing?
- Or my motorcycling?

If you don't mind my skydiving.

- Well, of course, we don't.
- No! Everybody should do his...

[together] Skydiving???

Isn't it exciting?

You step out of the plane,

do a freefall and
you don't open your

parachute till just
before you hit the ground,

if you happen to remember.

Mom, have you flipped
your apron strings?

Nope. skydiving is
going to be my thing

while you're teasing sharks
and you're smashing motorcycles,

your mother is going to up
there playing tag with the seagulls.

[Singing] Off we go into the
wild blue yonder, la-di-da, wee!

Gee mom, we think
skydiving is a groovy idea.

Ah.

Yeah, we'll have the only
skydiving mother on the block.

Oh.

Well, I'm glad you
kids aren't trying to

talk me out of this
terribly dangerous hobby

because if you are, I
think we can make a deal.

No, no, mom.

Listen, if you want
to do freefalls from

airplanes then go right
ahead, do your own thing.

Right. It's a great way
to get out of the smog.

And you know, they say
it's marvelous for the sinuses.

Oh, of course, you might ask
what's a mother of two doing

floating around in the sky
worrying her dear children to death.

- Oh, mom you won't worry us.
- No.

Not as long as you
dress nice and warm.

Hey, let me know when
you take your first jump

and I'll get my motorcycle
club over to watch.

Oh, well, of course, if
you're really horrified,

you can figure some way
to make me give me up

this dangerous hobby
and live up my natural life.

Mom, the last thing that we
want to do is hold you back.

It is, huh?

I'll bring along my camera and take
pictures of your death defying leap.

Yeah, and if you're floating down
or jumping in the neighborhood,

will you dip your arms
as you pass by the house?

Well maybe I can
even jump over the city

hospital to save me the
cost of the ambulance.

We know you'll take care, mom.

- Mom?
- Huh?

You make us proud
to call you mother!

[singing] Off we go into the wild
blue yonder flying high into the sky.

Come in.

- Lucille?
- What?

Next time, you leave your
purse at the office, it stays there.

- Returning it to you is too embarrassing.
- Why?

Just now, a boy scout insisted
on helping me across the street!

Harry, listen, my
scheme didn't work.

Kim and Craig don't care
if I do my thing or break it.

Well, now, my dear, I've been thinking,
you know, skydiving is an exciting hobby.

I think you
should give it a try!

Me? Bail out of a plane?

I wouldn't jump off my high
heels if they were on fire.

- Well, now, at least,
keep an open mind about it.
- Forget it, Harry.

I got a deal with the birds.

If they don't take
dictation, I don't fly.

- Mrs. Carter?
- Yes?

I'm Steve Camel of the Valley
Gazette. May I come in, please?

- Oh, yes of course.
- Thank you very much.

How do you do, sir?

Mrs. Carter, I'm here
checking out a lead.

Are you the skydiving mother that's going
to make her first leap tomorrow at four?

What?

Well, whoever gave you that
wild story is some of an idiot.

I am not!

Harry! You?

Well, now, Lucille,
it's only a short jump.

The office desperately
needs the publicity.

No, Harry, no!

All right. All right, Lucille,
cop out if you want to,

be a flapping chicken
instead of a soaring eagle.

Well, I just don't want
to be a dead duck.

You know Mrs. Carter, if you make
that jump without previous experience,

your picture will hit every newspaper
and television newscasts in the country.

- Oh?
- Yes.

Imagine it, Lucille.

Instead of being an insignificant
unknown little secretary,

you'll become one of the famous
women of history like Joan of Arc,

Florence Nightingale,

Lucille Carter!

Well, what do you
say, Mrs. Carter?

Just say, like the men who
climbed the mighty mountains,

she jumped into space
because it was there!

Morning, Kim.

Hi.

- Hey, Kim.
- Yeah?

Has mom bugged you anymore
about giving up motorcycling?

No. It's weird. How
about your spear fishing?

Not a word. She hasn't
mentioned her skydiving either.

Oh, well, she just made that
up to talk us out of our hobbies.

Sure. That's all it was.

Yeah. Mom's too
sensible to take up...

"Skydiving mother
to take first leap."

What?

"Mrs. Lucille Carter, Valley housewife
without any previous flying experience

has announced she
will make her first

freefall from 10,000
feet at four p.m. today."

- Oh, no!
- Oh, yes!

Just like Columbus had the
big blue ocean in his mind,

your mother has a wide
open spaces in her head.

Mom! It's crazy! You can't
do a dangerous thing like that.

Now, don't try to talk me out of it.
I have a rendezvous with destiny.

You mean with Medicare.

Well, we thought you were putting
us on yesterday about skydiving.

You said you were against motorcycling and
spear fishing because they were dangerous.

I know what I said but one thing about me,
when I'm wrong, I'm the last to admit it.

Now you kids do your
thing and I'll do mine, okay?

- Oh, good morning, Harry.
- Good morning, Lucille.

I've been thinking about your jump today
and please listen to what I have to say.

Now, Harry, don't try
to stop me from jumping.

Who's going to stop you?

No. When you're floating through the
sky, I want you to drop these leaflets.

They advertise our agency.

I'm surprised you don't
want me to carry a smudge

pot so I can write your
name in smoke across the sky.

Oh, would you?

Lucille, business reasons aside,

I'm going to be a proud man
when you take that leap into space.

Why they may even put your footprints
in front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre.

Yeah, that's all they'll
find of her, her footprints.

Mother, we're not
going to let you do this.

You win. We'll give up shark fighting
and motorcycling if you give up skydiving.

Don't ask me to give it
up. Skydiving is my purse.

- You mean bag.
- Bag, purse.

I am going to jump.

Uncle Harry, you got
mother into this and you'll get

her out of her it if you have
a heart and a conscience.

You just lost on
two counts, Kim.

Uncle Harry, you
can't let mom do this.

If anything should
happen to her...

Pleases please, nothing is
going to happen to your mother.

Yeah, but if it does, you're e not
going to be able to sleep nights.

Well, he's rich. He'll hire
somebody to sleep for him.

Children, really, now parents
have a right to have their fling.

Remember you're only old once.

Ooh, got to get going.

I just remembered.

I have to take a lesson
before my first jump.

Just one lesson?

Oh, don't worry. Birds
do it without any lessons.

Are you sure we can't
talk you out of it, mom?

Not a chance. I want my
kids' mother to be famous.

It's not enough
just to be beautiful.

Mrs. Carter?

Yes?

You're ready for your lesson?

Yes, I'm ready.

Are you sure that the parachute
shouldn't be front so I can if it opens?

- Oh, it will open but don't you worry.
- All right.

Well, how do you feel?

Like I'm carrying the
Green Bay Packers.

- All right. Let's get started, shall we?
- Yes, sir.

Now, if you'll just
climb up on this

training table and lie
flat in your stomach,

I'll show you the position
you'll take during your free fall.

- During my freefall?
- Yeah.

Oh gee, I don't know.

Maybe I should do this gradually,
you know, not start with the airplane.

Maybe I should jump
off trains or a bus first.

Come on Mrs. Carter, up on the table.
Now, flat on your stomach, face down.

Good, good.

Now, imagine you just
jumped out of the plane.

Now, the first thing you must do is
assume the full spread arch position.

Head back, shoulders raised,
arms out and knees bent.

Chin up, Mrs. Carter, that's
right, and be sure to arch that back.

There. Now, how do you feel?

Like a punch drunk pelican.

You're doing fine, Mrs. Carter.

Now remember, you jumped
out of the plane at 10,000 feet

and you're falling at the
rate of 176 feet per second.

Yikes!

No, no, no. Mrs. Carter,
you don't want to stay up.

You want to come down.

Believe me, I have never
had a student who jumped out

of a plane and didn't come
down, one way or another.

- Bye.
- Where are you doing?

I just remembered I have a date with
the dentist to have my teeth cleaned.

You can do that tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I might
not have any teeth.

Mrs. Carter, have faith.

Now, in my 15 years of teaching
skydiving, I have yet to lose one student.

Yeah, well, I hate
to spoil your record.

Don't worry. Now listen.

Come over here. I want
you to see something.

What?

Now, this is Jim
Benjamin, my prize pupil.

- Now, at this very moment,
Jim is finishing his 97th jump.
- Oh?

And I'm proud to say that everything
he knows, he learned from me.

What's that?

Well, you can't win them all.

Well, It was nice
knowing you, sir.

- Mrs. Carter, ready for your big jump?
- Well...

You bet she is.

Well, this little lady has
courage with a capital C.

Try chicken with a small c.

Gentlemen of the
press, I have a statement.

I have made up my mind that...

Joan of Arc,

Florence Nightingale,

Lucille Carter!

Mrs. Carter? Mrs. Carter?

- Huh?
- Will you finish your statement please?

Oh, yes.

Just write, "She did
her thing but if her thing

doesn't get done then
say her thing did her."

That's a heck of a place
to put a broom closet.

We're 10,000 feet, Mrs. Carter.

Now, remember you must avoid diving into
church steeples, telephone poles, freeways.

Mrs. Carter?

- Mrs. Carter?
- Aahh!

Come on, now. This
is no time to freeze out.

- What's bothering you?
- My fear of heights.

But why didn't
you tell me before?

I didn't have it until now.

We're approaching the target
area. Now, let's get those hands free.

- No! No! No!
- Oh, come on!

- I got to hang or I'll fall off.
- Come on now.

No!

Please, Mrs. Carter.

No! Nothing personal, sir.

- Get those hands off me.
- No!

Now, we're on target. So, jump.

- After you.
- Now, you have to jump first.

I must watch your form.

My form is great. I've
been dieting for months.

Mrs. Carter, do you
want to disappoint all

those reporters and
photographers down there?

No.

Well do you want to destroy
my reputation as an instructor?

No.

- Then you'll jump?
- No.

Mrs. Carter. Come
on, get those hands...

Take your hands off
me or I'll call a cop!

Out you go, Mrs. Carter...

Yah!!!

There she goes! She did it!

Pull the cord.

Pull the cord!

Pull the cord!

- The chute opened.
- Oh!

There's writing on it.

"Carter's Unique
Employment Agency."

Oh, Goodyear blimp,
eat your heart out!

Hey look, she's
floating over this way.

- Oh, careful, mother!
- Yeah, watch... low bridge!

Hi, earthlings.

Mom, are you okay?

Yeah, but I don't know how the
flying nun did this every week.