03x05 - Lucy the Crusader

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

[singing] Happy birthday to
you, happy birthday to you,

happy birthday, happy birthday
dear Craig, happy birthday to you.

- Now, make a wish and
blow out the candle.
- All right.

- But don't do it until I get a picture.
- Okay.

Now, get ready, get ready, okay.

Oh good You blew
it all out. Good, good.

- Cut the cake, honey.
- All right.

- Here you go.
- Give me the knife.

- Hey, boy, this looks great.
- Well, I hope you like it, I made it.

Uh-oh, I just
remembered I'm on a diet.

Oh, aren't you even
going to taste it?

I'd rather not. I remember the
last birthday cake you made for me,

you fried it.

Craig, I was only six years
old. Now, come on, cut the cake.

Yeah, cut the cake, honey.

Mom, what's wrong?

Nothing.

Nothing, then why
are you crying?

My little boy is practically
a grown man, 18 years old.

- Mom, this is a happy occasion.
- I'm happy. I'm happy.

It's just that it seems like yesterday
when you were one year old.

I took you in for
your first haircut.

Looks like he's ready
for his second one.

Yeah, come on Craig,
open your presents.

- Oh, you got a present?
- Oh, of course you have a present.

- Yeah. And I hope you like it.
- What is it?

Something you've always wanted.

- Raquel Welch?
- Oh come on. Open it up.

Open it up.

- Mom, it's a stereo set!
- Yeah!

Oh that's fantastic! Really.

I knew it was something
you really wanted, honey.

- That's great.
- Isn't it a beauty?

- Hey but mom— - Yeah?

Isn't this kind of expensive?

Yeah, honey, but it's something
the whole family can enjoy.

- Come on, plug it in.
- I can't wait to hear it. Hurry up.

All I got to do is plug
in. I'll get a record.

All right.

- Isn't it a beauty?
- Yeah, sure is.

- Here, how about this one.
- All righty?

Gee, I'm glad
you like it, honey.

[music playing fast]

Hey, they were
good. Who were they?

- Mom, the record was playing too fast.
- Oh, I liked it.

That will do it.

[music playing fast]

No.

There's something
wrong. It's still too fast.

Maybe we have fast electricity.

No. Mom, there is something
wrong with the turntable.

No matter what speed I
set it at, it still plays too fast.

I'm sorry mom, but I
think we got a lemon here.

Oh, what a shame,
mom. You got stuck.

No, I didn't. This came
with a complete guarantee.

All I have to do is take it
back and get another one.

Just close it up again,
honey. Don't worry about it.

- Are you sure they'll exchange it?
- I'm positive.

I never get anything unless I
can exchange it if I'm dissatisfied.

- Hey, mom.
- Huh?

How come you didn't
exchange me 18 years ago?

She tried.

Yes, I did.

We'll get you another one,
honey. Don't you worry?

OK.

May I help you please, miss?

I hope so. I have a complaint.

Well, that's what I'm here for, madam, to
handle all those nasty little complaints.

Well, good.

We want to be looked upon
as one big happy family.

Remember our slogan: A satisfied
customer is the best advertising.

- Well, good, because yesterday— -
Remember nothing makes the world...

nothing makes this world so bright
as when the customer is always right.

- Well, I'm very glad to
hear that because yesterday

I— - Every department
is willing to try for you.

Our hairstylists are
willing to die for you.

Isn't that a cute one, madam?
I made that one myself.

Now, what can I do to help you,
please? What is your trouble?

Well, yesterday, I bought this stereo set
from you and it just doesn't work properly.

Oh, isn't this a shame?

Now, what seems to be the trouble
with the stereo set please, madam?

Well, when it plays
it goes, bbbblllllll.

You mean it goes bllllllllllll.

Yeah, no matter what speed
it's turned on, it goes bllllllllllll.

Well, if it goes
bllllll, then there is

definitely something
wrong with this indefinitely.

I'm so glad you understand Mr...

Clunk.

Clunk?

Elroy P. Clunk, manager.

Now madam, if there is
something wrong with this

merchandise and it should
returned, yessee, yesee indeed.

That's what I'm here for.

Oh, but you don't
return it to us.

You return it to
the manufacturer.

- The manufacturer?
- Ah-huh.

- In Chicago.
- Chicago!

Madam, please, now do not get so
emotional. We do not raise our voices here.

But I bought the set
here not in Chicago.

I am sorry, madam. You will
have to return it to the manufacturer.

As you can see,
it is the, what is it?

The Prime Ultrasonics Company
in, and there it is, Chicago.

Yes, yes, but now,
just one little second.

I bought this set here yesterday
and I paid cash and I have a guarantee

and it says: "We agree to
properly repair or replace

without charge any part
found to be defective."

- You can read it yourself.
- I know what it says there, madam and we
also know when it says at the bottom.

- At the bottom?
- Yes ma'am.

Where?

There.

"Provided the article is
delivered to our factory."

But that's in Chicago!

There you go again. Now,
you have been warned!

Now, look, I'm not going to go through
all that bother. I just want my money back.

You're putting me on.

No, I am not. What
about that sign?

"If not satisfied, money
cheerfully refunded."

- Oh, that sign?
- Yes, that one. What about it?

- That one?
- Yes!

Isn't that an adorable sign?

Madam, read the teensy
weensy print on that.

"Provided the article is returned
within 24 hours of purchase."

Well, I purchased this
yesterday. It's less than 24 hours.

You have got to refund my money.

Ha-ha-ha. Now, read the
teensy weensy itsy bitsy print.

"Provided the article purchased
has not been unwrapped or used."

Or used!

Well, if you don't use it, then
how can you tell it if it's faulty?

Well, that is a
problem madam, yes.

You bet your sweet cake!

Not in front of my
carnation, madam.

Look, I think
you're terribly unfair.

Do not blame me. I am just a
small cog in a big wheel of industry.

Well, in that case, I would like
to see the big cog of this store.

Madam it is impossible. He
left for Detroit this morning.

- Detroit.
- Uh-huh.

He went to get a new
car under his guarantee.

One of his wheels fell off.

His guarantee. Well, I wish
him luck. When will he be back?

Who knows? You can't make good
time driving 1500 miles with three wheels.

Well I don't know about
him but I'll be back.

You will be hearing from me.

Well, good luck madam, and remember,
just as sure as my name is Elroy P. Clunk,

I admire a customer
with lots with spunk.

Oh, there you are!

Bye!

Harry won't you reconsider
and sign this petition?

Lucille, the only petition I will
sign is one to have you committed.

Oh, Harry. Look, I've
already got 19 signatures.

A few more and I'll have
a very good case against

the manufacturers and
their misleading guarantees.

Wasting precious working hours
on that stuff, is such nonsense.

It is not nonsense Harry.

- We'll get to work.
- But listen Harry.

- Please get to work!
- Oh!

Why aren't you typing?

Because the
typewriter isn't working.

Oh, well, what a coincidence.
You make a lovely couple.

Now, listen Harry,
it's not my fault.

I get in trouble with this electric
typewriter ever since you bought it.

- Oh really? Lucy, please.
- Yes.

- Lucille, stand aside.
- Why?

You women don't understand
anything about electrical appliances.

Now, please, out of my way.

You will find, Harry,
that the keys are stuck.

The carriage won't
move and that machine

has never worked from
the day you bought it.

See?

That's great, Harry
Carter and his magic touch.

All right, all right never mind.

I'll get that fixed. Let me
see what's the number.

Oh yeah, I remember.

We've only had that machine about
two weeks and I have a guarantee.

You have a guarantee? I
haven't seen a guarantee

yet that was worth the
paper it was written on.

- Well, this one's all right. I assure you.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

Hello?

- This is Harrison Carter of
Carter's Unique Employment Agency.
- Big deal.

That's right.

Yes.

I purchased an electric
typewriter from you a couple

of weeks ago and we're
having a slight problem with it.

Oh? It's guaranteed
for one year?

I see. Well, I'll bring it in and you... I
have to return it to the manufacturer.

Where is the manufacturer?

Tokyo?!

Now, will you sign
the petition Harry?

- I certainly will.
- Yeah.

Lucille, I never thought I'd
be on your side in anything.

But right now, I'm on your team.

Well, I'm glad we
can use you Harry.

- Sign it, sign it, sign it.
- Yes indeed.

How about that? They
want you to go to Tokyo.

Yeah. Ridiculous

Howdy you two.

My name is Fox.

I represent the Jiffy
Jolly adding machine.

Now, it's inexpensive,
compact, and easy to operate.

- Does it have a guarantee?
- Oh, it certainly does.

- Out!
- Out!

All right ladies, and gentlemen,
let's hear the next complaint.

- Yes miss...
- Caston and it's Mrs. Sheila Caston.

And what is your
complaint Mrs. Caston?

Well, it's this toaster. It hasn't
worked properly from the day I bought it.

And what is wrong with it?

Well, it's easier to demonstrate it
than to explain it. May I plug it in?

- Yes, I'll do that for you.
- Thank you.

Does it burn the toast?

Not exactly.

Well, what happens?

You will see in just a moment.

Well that is most unusual.

It certainly is.

I have the only ceiling in the
world with wall-to-wall toast!

I see.

Yes. Who is next?

Please stand up
and tell us your name.

My name is Portnoy.

Portnoy?

- Clara Portnoy?
- Yes, and what is your
complaint, Mrs. Portnoy?

Two weeks ago, I had an electric
eye installed to open my garage door.

Uh-huh, and this
electric eye doesn't work?

Oh, it works too well.

Too well?

Every time I take a shower, it
opens my bathroom window!

Oh! Well, what
about your guarantee?

Oh, they'll honor it
all right, provided I

mail the garage door
back to the manufacturer

and it's the same manufacturer
that made your stereo set.

- Oh, the Prime Ultrasonics Company.
- Yes.

- And my toaster was made by the
Prime Ultrasonics Company too.
- Really?

It has their trademark, PU.

Good old PU.

All right, thank you Mrs. Portnoy.
Are there any more complaints?

- Hi, Lucille. I'm sorry I'm late.
- That's all right. Come right in.

- It was an emergency and
I have another complaint for you.
- What is it?

- Well, I just had a new television
set installed and it's gone berserk.
- No kidding?

- Oh yes, channel 2's picture keeps
getting mixed up with channel 7.
- Ah-huh.

I just say the flying nun
self-destruct in five seconds.

- You're in a lot of trouble.
- Oh yes.

It's a good case
though, Harry. Sit down.

- Thank you very much.
- Any more complaints?

Yes, and your name is?

- Martin Phillips.
- Yes, Mr. Phillips?

- Well, my complaint is
rather embarrassing.
- Oh?

It's this doll.

You see, I bought
for my daughter.

Well, it's supposed
to walk, talk and... wet.

And it doesn't do
all those things?

Oh, well, it walks
alright. It talks alright.

But it doesn't wet?

Oh it wets... but look how.

Well, I certainly have never
seen anything like that before.

You do have a problem.

And so do you,
Harry, but thank you.

- Are there any more complaints?
- Mother, oh I'm sorry for interrupting.

That's all right. Come in kids.

- We have a dandy for you.
- What? What?

Steve March just bought
a brand new electric

guitar and the first time
he plugged it in, pow!

- It short-circuited and
his hair caught on fire.
- Oh no!

- That's right and the guitar was
made by the Prime Ultrasonics Company.
- That's the company.

- And mom, he tried to exchange it but they
told him he had to send it back to Chicago.
- Back to Chicago.

All right, thanks
kids. Good case.

- Ladies and gentlemen, I think we
have more than enough evidence.
- Yes.

- Now, we are going to present our complaint
to the president of the company in person.
- Oh good!

- How about it?
- Hold it!

- Wouldn't it cost a fortune
for all of us to go to Chicago?
- Oh, good point Mrs. Caston.

Harry, tell her.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it says in this morning's

paper that the Prime
Ultrasonics Company

is having its annual stockholders
meeting tomorrow, right here in town!

- Isn't that great?
- Oh, wow.

Now listen, listen.

So, tomorrow, we will go
and show them they cannot get

away with meaningless guarantees
and defective merchandise.

Okay? All right,
meeting adjourned.

Oh!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we come
to our most important item of business,

voting on the five
million dollar bond issue.

Now, we have discussed this
before, the pros and cons and the...

Madam, this is a stockholders'
meeting, not a bus station.

I know that, sir.
We're stockholders.

Oh, well, please be seated.

Just find seats, please,
as quickly as you can.

You're holding up
the meeting here.

- Mr. Chairman.
- The Chair recognize Mr. Huntington.

- Thank you.
- Now I— Oh, I would
like to make a motion.

You cannot make a motion.
The Chair doesn't recognize you.

Of course, the Chair doesn't
recognize me. We've never met before.

- Madam, I am the Chair.
- Oh, pleased to meet you, Mr. Chair.

I'm Lucille Carter.

May I speak now?

You may not speak. We have
rules and I'm a strict parliamentarian.

Oh, come on, let's not
drag religion into this.

Mr. Chairman, I relinquish
the floor to this lady.

Very well. Mrs. Carter, proceed.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Where was I? Oh yes.

I make a motion that this company honors
its guarantees at the point of purchase.

Madam, we were discussing
a five million dollar bond issue.

Well, first things first.

I made a motion and
I second the motion.

You can't second
your own motion.

Why not? I'm for it.

You cannot second
your own motion.

- Mr. Chairman, may I suggest that we
listen to Mrs. Carter's complaints?
- Oh.

Then maybe we can
figure out her problem.

Very well. Proceed.

Well, thank you, sir, again.

Mr. Chair, I would like to talk to you
about your defective merchandise.

Madam, our merchandise
is not defective.

Ah, ah ah.

Just a moment. All right
gentlemen, come in please.

Here we are.

- We brought everything.
- Good.

Here it is. Everything
you wanted.

Here we go. All right.

Now, who are you too?

I sir, am Harrison Otis Carter.

- And I sir am Elroy P. Clunk.
- Clunk.

Clunk! Oh, you worked
for us in our local store.

Yeah, he used to work for you.

That's right but I got tired
of listening to customers

complain so I turned
in my carnation and quit.

He works for our
organization now, sir.

That's right.

Like I always say, my name
maybe Clunk, but I'm not a clinker

and working for you
made me feel like a stinker.

All right gentlemen, let's show them
the defective articles we have collected.

Oh, glad to, glad to.

And now, this item here, sir, this was
manufactured by your company, was it not?

Well, of course, it's one
of our instant cameras.

Uh-huh. Well, allow me to
take a picture of you with it.

No wonder you call
it an instant camera.

That' all it lasts, an instant!

And here sir, is one of your
company's flexible lamps.

Now, sir, that's just a
little too flexy for me.

And now sir, may I
present one of your

company's guaranteed
long distance golf ba*ls.

Now, that's certainly not
more bounce to the ounce.

- Your turn, dear.
- Thank you.

And here, sir, is one
of your hair dryers.

Sir, would you be so kind?

Thank you.

Craig, plug that it
in for me, please.

This will only take a moment.

Just a second.

Give us a second
to demonstrate here.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

It usually just scorches the hair.
This is the first time it ever ate any.

Here we are.

The next item.
Plug that in, sir.

Now, this is one of your
miniature vacuum cleaners, right?

All right, sir.

Isn't that great, the only vacuum
cleaner that exhales instead of inhales.

All right, could you show
them the next item please.

And here sir, is one of your company's
baby dolls that walks, talks and wets.

Mr. Clunk, please let
me demonstrate the doll.

- No, I want to
do it - Oh, please!

Oh, you have all the fun.

Knock em' dead.

Oh Harry, that doll just
can't make up its mind, Harry.

Now, sir, would you care to
see some more defective items?

- What did you say?
- I said, would you like to see some more?

I'm sorry. I can't hear you very
well. My hearing aid isn't working.

Oh?

Oh, no wonder it doesn't work.

- Made by good old PU?
- What?

PU!

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, and
you know something?

You're going to have to send
that back to Chicago to get it fixed.

Chicago?

Yes, that's what I've
been trying to tell you.

Young lady, you have
a legitimate complaint.

Oh!

As chairman of the
board of good old PU,

I have to admit that our store should honor
the guarantee at the point of issuance.

- Oh, wonderful.
- So moved!

Yeah!

- All those in favor, say aye.
- Aye! [all together]

Oh, thank you, thank
you, sir. Thank you.

- Now, just one moment please.
- Yes?

How many shares of
stock do you represent?

Well, we all chipped
in about one share.

- One share?
- Yes.

Yes and Mr. Chair, you have
been so nice in admitting that

you were wrong that we are
going to buy another share.

- What?
- We'll buy another share.

They'll be dancing
on Wall Street tonight.

All, right, come
on folks. That's all.

Congratulations, Lucille.
Everything is going to be fixed.

Of course, I'm still
stuck with that typewriter.

No, you're not. Come
on folks, on to Tokyo!