03x10 - Lucy the Diamond Cutter

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Why, Mrs. Whitmark.

I'm honored that you called me.

Oh I'm only too happy
to be of service to you.

Yes, yes, I assure
you I'm all alone.

My secretary is out to lunch.

When will she be back?

Madam, that and where
elephants go to die, are

two of the unsolved
mysteries of the universe.

Now, can you tell me the
reason for this delightful call?

What?

First timers what?

Oh, well, of course,
oh yes. If you say so.

Mrs. Whitmark, the
door is locked. Yes.

Now, can you tell me?

Oh, I see. Well,
when will you be here?

Oh, well, come at your
convenience, of course.

I'll be here all
year... all day.

Now, would you mind giving me just a little
hint as to the nature of this... hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

What's going on in
there? Open the door.

Who is it?

Well, it's me, Lucille.

Why was that door locked?

What's going on in here?

Nothing, nothing,
nothing at all, nothing.

Now get to work.

Uh-uh. There's something
funny going on in here.

I'm not going to get to work
until you tell me what it is.

- Well, I might as well.
- Yes.

- But promise you won't
breathe a word of this?
- I swear.

Alright.

Have you ever heard of Mrs.
Cornelius Whitmark, the third?

- The millionairess?
- The billionairess.

They say she sends her loose
change to Howard Hughes,

- and she's coming here to see me.
- No!

- Yes! This may be the biggest
opportunity of my life!
- Yes!

Now, I want to make a
good impression on her.

- Let's get this office all cleaned up.
- Okay.

- Spic and span.
- Okay.

- Everything neat, dusted, cleaned.
- Right.

And remember
Lucille, think rich!

On the salary you pay me?

I'm having termite problems.

- I can't even afford to do something—
- Please, we have work to do.

Yeah, but Harry the termites
are eating my house like popcorn.

- Will you stop talking
and start working, please?
- Okay.

- Harry?
- Huh?

When will she be here?

I don't know.

Who recommended you to her?

I don't know.

What does she want?

I don't know.

Now, for heaven's sake, Lucille,
I told you everything I know.

- So, please, get to work.
- Okay.

- Lucille, the office never looked better.
- Thank you.

Oh, and in case you'd like to offer
the lady some tea, I'm all set up.

Good thinking. Good.

Mr. Carter, I presume?

At your service.

Oh, it's always a pleasure to meet a
charming woman like you, Mrs. Whitmark.

I'm Mrs. Whitmark's maid.

Oh, well, when will
Mrs. Whitmark be here?

In due time.

Who is that?

She's my... that's
my she... she's...

I am his secretary, his
confidential secretary.

Well, we'll just have
to make the best of it.

Oh, we will. We will.

Now, where is Mrs. Whitmark?

She'll be along any
moment but first...

- What's that?
- A disinfectant.

Mrs. Whitmark is
mortally afraid of germs.

Thank you. I needed that.

You may come in
now, Mrs. Whitmark.

He's disinfected.

Mrs. Whitmark, it is a joy meeting a
charming, wonderful lady like yourself.

Ahh!

- May I offer you a seat?
- Thank you.

Here we are. Here we are.
Please make yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

Now, Mrs. Whitmark,
how may I serve you?

Oh, I'm his secretary,
his confidential secretary.

Oh, very well.

Now, then, have you ever
heard of the Casbar diamond?

Why, everybody has heard
of the Casbar diamond.

It's worth five million dollars.

And it has a curse on it.

How can anything worth that
much money have a curse on it?

The young lady is right.
It does have a cure on it.

Oh, it does, it does.

To remove that curse, I am going to have
the diamond cut into four smaller stones.

Oh! But Mrs. Whitmark,
won't that reduce its value?

My child, money
is not important.

Oh, true, true.

I always say that,
don't I, Lucille.

Yes, every time
I ask for a raise.

Oh! Oh!

- The cleaning woman
must have overlooked that.
- I did not.

- Well, I mean
I'll take care of that for you.
- Oh, no, no, no, no. Mine.

Mrs. Whitmark, perhaps we
could offer you some refreshment.

- Well, a cup of tea will do nicely.
- Yes. I'll get it.

- Would you care for some, Mr. Carter?
- Thank you, yes, I would. Thank you.

Now, Mrs. Whitmark,
about the Casbar diamond...

I want you to act as my agent.

I want you secretly to
get me a diamond cutter.

I want everything
done in secrecy.

Perhaps he could work
from some private home.

Well, now that poses
a bit of a problem.

Your fee would be $1000.

You just solved the problem.

No, Lucille, you
solve the problem.

Your house would
be the perfect place.

- Oh, well, I— - Of course,
you will be suitably rewarded.

Oh, good! Then I can
get rid of those termites.

Well, Mrs. Whitmark, I
think we can take care

of your request with
our usual efficiency.

- I hope so.
- Yes, indeed.

- Goodbye, young lady.
- Oh, goodbye, Mrs. Whitmark.

And goodbye, Mr. Carter.

Goodbye and may I
say that never in my life

have I met a more
charming or lovely lady.

Don't move!

[doorbell]

Coming!

Oh, it's you.

- Is Mr. Vandemeer here yet?
- No, I thought you were he.

Are you wearing a new dress?

I am.

Are you using new perfume?

I am.

Am I right in assuming that
all this glamour is not for me?

You am.

Lucille, do you mean to
tell me that you're going

through all this trouble
for Gustav Vandemeer,

- the man you haven't even seen yet?
- And why not?

He just may be tall, dark,
and handsome and a bachelor.

- Oh, you dreamer, you.
- Oh, Harry.

- Oh hi, mom.
- Hi, darling.

- Hi, uncle Harry.
- Hello, Kim dear.

- Mom, has uncle Gustav arrived yet?
- No, not yet.

Oh, I can't wait to meet him.

Neither can I... I mean it's
been years since I've seen him.

And Kim, remember what I told you.
Now, your uncle Gustav is rather eccentric.

Now, he may even deny
that we're related but you

just act pleasant no matter
how peculiar he is, huh?

Don't worry, mom. I'm used
to having peculiar uncles.

Well, I didn't mean
you, Uncle Harry.

Oh no?

Well, name me one
other uncle that you have.

Uncle Gustav! See you later!

- What's this about Uncle Gustav?
- Ssshh.

Harry, remember you said that this
whole thing was supposed to be a secret.

So, I sort of invented
a story to tell the kids.

Oh.

[doorbell] Ooh, that
must be him now.

How do I look?

Well, to an ordinary man, okay.

To a man who cuts
diamonds, yuck!

Oh, Harry.

- Anybody home, yeah?
- Yes, what is it that you wish, sir?

I am Gustav Vandemeer.

- You are?
- Yeah.

Oh, well won't you come in, sir.

- Watch that first step, that's a k*ller.
- Yeah.

Now, which one of
you is Mrs. Carter?

- I am.
- Pleased to meet you.

And this is my brother
in law, Harrison Carter.

- So, pleased to meet you as well.
- Would you care to sit down, sir?

May I take your bag?

Well, it just contains my diamond
cutting tools. It's very heavy.

Not for me.

Ah!

I'm small but I'm strong.

Now, where will I be staying?

Right here.

But yeah... no I mean
where's my room?

- Your room?
- Yeah, I wouldn't sleep on the
couch for two or three weeks.

Two or three weeks?

All you have to do is cut the Casbar
that should only take a few minutes.

I thought we were talking about
cutting a diamond, not chop liver.

This could take maybe months!

Oh!

Well, you can have my room.
I'll double up with my daughter.

Oh, yeah, that's good.
That's good, yeah.

Now, where would I be working?

- Well, we cleaned out the basement.
- The basement?!

You mean the cellar downstairs.

Yes. We thought it would
be nice and quiet down there.

Oh yeah, quiet, I need absolute quiet
but the basement is out of the question.

It could be drafty and dusty.

You must understand the moment
when I give that diamond the zat,

one little speck of dust in my nose,
everything will be outskaspeiled.

- Outskaspeiled?
- Yeah, kaputt, verbrauchte.

- Oh!
- Oh.

So, now this room this is
nice. It's clean it's bright.

The air is nice, no
dust. I could work here.

- Will this be satisfactory?
- Certainly is satisfactory.

I mean yes, yes.
[doorbell] Come in.

Oh! Oh, do come in.

This is Gustav Vandemeer, the diamond
cutter and do you have the diamond on you?

You will get it in due time.

Why the spritz?

Oh, I forgot, you're sterile.
You've been sprayed.

Alright, Mrs. Whitmark
you may come in now.

- Hello, Mrs. Whitmark.
- Hello.

This is Gustav Vandemeer, the
man who will cut your diamond.

He is going to cut the Casbar?

But he doesn't look
big enough to lift it!

I'm small but I'm strong.

- Now, could I see please the diamond?
- Oh yes.

Here it is.

Boy, oh boy. That is a diamond.

Now, I've seen diamonds and I've
seen diamonds but that is a diamond.

Oh, gosh, I haven't even
seen fake ones bigger than that.

Now, you understand.

I want the diamond cut in
four small smaller stones.

Four smaller stones?

You realize you know we'll be cutting
it we're going to lose 10 or 12 carats.

Instead of having one big knockwurst it
will have only four little wiener sausages.

I am not interested in
material things. Good afternoon.

Oh, goodbye, Mrs. Whitmark.

Oh!

I know why she needs
strings, she's a yoyo.

Hello?

No, this is not your
snookie-ookums.

No, this is Craig, yes, well,
I'm sorry. Kim's not here.

Okay, I'll tell her. Bye.

- Hi, Craig.
- Oh, hi, Kim.

You just missed a
phone call. Your friends

want to meet at the
pizza parlor in 20 minutes.

Oh, good. You want to join us?

No, thanks. I got to
rehearse some music.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

I just want to know what's so
fascinating about this glass cutting hobby

that's been keeping Uncle
Gustav busy for all these weeks.

Well, mother told us before
he arrived that he's eccentric.

Eccentric? He's nuts!

Yeah. Listen, I got to get going.
You sure you don't want to join us?

- No, thanks. I got to do that music.
- Okay.

- Bye-bye.
- See you later.

- Oh hi, mom!
- Hi, darling.

- Where you going?
- Pizza parlor.

- Don't be too late.
- Uh-huh.

- Are you staying in?
- I'm going upstairs.

Good.

- Hello, Gustav.
- Hello.

How's everything?

Good. I was just taking a walk,
to be alone with my solitude.

Getting my thoughts together
before I cut the Casbar.

Oh gosh! I can't hardly
wait to see you do that!

No, no, no! You cannot see it!

When I give that stone a zat, I must
have privacy, quiet, concentration.

- You would please leave?
- Oh, yes, sir.

- Danke schön.
- That's all right.

Ah!

What happened? What happened?

Yes, Steve, I got it.

No, it only cost
a dollar and 98.

Well, it's the exact same color as
your motorcycle. It's a perfect match.

Okay, see you tonight. Bye, bye.

- Hello, Uncle Gustav.
- Hello.

Gee, I wanted to tell you how sorry I
am about what happened yesterday.

Well, that's nothing.
Accidents will happen.

Well, is your wrist okay now?

Well, there's no
break. It's just a sprain.

- Sprain. Okay, good. See you later.
- See you later.

- Hi, Gustav.
- Hello.

How's your wrist?

It's much better now. The
surgeon took the splints off.

Good.

Mrs. Whitmark called
and she wanted to know

if you really get to cut
that diamond today.

Oh yeah, you bet I cut it.

First I didn't believe
it but now, I believe it.

Believe what?

There is a curse
on it, the stone.

So, I'm going to cut it right
now and then you'll see it.

See, where is your honk
honk and bang bang?

My what?

Your Katz N Jammer kids.

Oh! They're out. They
went to the beach.

Good. Maybe no broken
bones for two to three hours.

Well, I'll leave you alone.
I'll go upstairs and clean.

No, no, no.

- Now, this time, you stay
here to see there's no interruptions.
- Oh, okay.

- Ah-choo!
- Ah!

Oh no!

How long does it
have to be on, Gustav?

Only six or seven weeks.

Oh, but I promised Mrs. Whitmark
that you would cut that diamond today.

Oh dear, can you
do it with one hand?

I couldn't even do
it with two hands!

But I promised her.

Could you teach me to cut it?

You must be joking!

That takes much
study and... oh wait.

- I've got an idea.
- What?

Maybe I could a chisel and you
could take the hammer and give the zet.

- Give it a zet?
- The stone is marked up. Yeah.

- Come, we try it.
- Oh, okay.

- Now, you're going to take the chisel
and I'll take the hammer.
- Yeah.

Now, hold this one
high. No, not so high.

Lower, down, down. A
little high... oh... that's it.

Now, eins, zwei, drei...

- Lucille!
- Ahh!!

- What happened?
- Oh, Mr. Vandemeer
had another accident.

Oh, that's the fourth
accident you've had.

How can you be so careless?

Believe me, around
here it's easy.

- Well, come on, let's try it again.
- Again?! You must be out of your skull.

- No more!
- But the diamond has to be cut today!

That's not a diamond.
That's a curse.

Oh please, don't be superstitious.
Come on, cut the diamond.

What diamond? I see nothing.
I know nothing. I do nothing.

- Oh, Harry, maybe you could do it.
- Me?

Yeah, the diamond
is all prepared.

Lucille, you are not
going to talk me into this.

Now, look, Harry, if you don't cut
the diamond, you don't get paid.

Oops.

Ah, mashugana.

Now, tell me what to do.

Not me. I don't want
nothing to do with this booby.

- Harry?
- Yeah.

- I know how. He showed me.
- Oh?

- Now, you hold the chisel like so,
just hold it right on top there like that.
- Yeah.

And then you hold the hammer about there
and when I count three, you give it a zet.

Yeah, and with a curse that
stone has, it will zet you right back.

Come on, Harry. Now,
eins, zwei, drei, zet!

Oh Harry, oh you
did it! You did it!

If I can see with own my eyes, I
wouldn't believe it and I don't believe it.

Oh, you cut it perfectly,
Harry. You are a genius.

I know.

[doorbell] Come in!

Oh.

Oh, come in, Mrs. Whitmark.

Oh, you arrived just in time.

We cut the diamond in four
parts and removed the curse.

Oh, good heavens!
I've arrived too late.

Too late for what?

To stop you from
cutting the diamond!

I just found out
what the curse is.

Yeah, whatever the curse
is, it's got a curse on it.

Well, what is it?

Whoever cuts the
diamond will suffer.

Whoever cuts the
diamond will suffer?

How?

Whoever cuts the Casbar will
vanish from the face of the earth.

Oh, nonsense. Whoohoh!
Superstition, pure superstition.

Vanish from the face
of the earth, indeed.

I never heard
anything so ridiculous.

Ahh!!

I told you we had
termites, Harry. I told you.