03x01 - Nit Blitz

[bunniefuu]

[Manus] This story is about
a wonderful night,

with a baby, a manger,
and bright shining light.

When Mary and Joseph
arrived in Nazareth,

and Jesus our Lord
took his first breath.

Where's yours?

King Herod,
in front of the Viking.

[children sing "Silent Night"]

She looks like Hugh Hefner.

Yes. That's who it is.

Shh...

You really smell of booze, Meg,

you smell like the carpet
at a Wetherspoons.

I got taken out by some clients

for a worky, boozy, brunchy,
mainly boozy, booze-up brunch.

I love Christmas corporates.

[whispers] Guys,
please pipe down,

I'm trying to watch.

Spoiler alert,

Joseph's not the father.

Sorry. Sorry.

What's up with you?
Early menopause?

I promised my girls I'd wear
my Christmas jumper.

It's like a wet t-shirt
competition underneath here.

[electric guitar plays]

Goodness,
he's very good, isn't he?

Well, yeah,
that's Mr. Washbourn.

Hey?

He used to be in the band
Toploader

before he became a TA.

He's got a tattoo of an eagle
on his thigh.

I follow him on Facebook.

[thud]

Wasn't that fab?

Well done, Year Six.

Who's up for an encore?

Hell yeah! Woo!

["Joy to the World"
plays on guitar]

Manus was great, wasn't he?

As Harry Potter.

He was an orphan time traveling
schoolboy narrator, Anne.

I don't remember
that bit in the Bible.

Mr. Barrett wrote the part
especially for him.

I think there could be
a future for him in acting,

he's just got that confidence,
you know. Not the annoying kind.

Guys, guys, guys, quick Q, um,
has anyone heard of Mine Craft?

My girls are asking for it
for Christmas.

-Yes.
-It's MinecraftKevin.

Yeah, that's what I said,
Mine Craft.

Minecraft,not Mine Craft,

it's not German,
Hitler didn't write it.

My Charlie's obsessed with it.

I dunno why,
it's just building stuff,

it's educational.

Charlie wants to be
an architect because of it.

-Oh.
-Or a potion maker.

He hasn't decided yet.

Oh, great. Well, obviously,
I'm going to play it all first

to make sure there's
not misogyny

or casual drug references.

You know you can't play
all of Minecraft?

-Huh?
-Never mind.

What's the plan? Pub?
I need a booze boost.

Guys, I thought we were going

to the living nativity
as an end of term treat.

[all mumbling]

There's a mulled wine stall.

Ooh, I love a mulled wine.

Come on.

I don't know about you,
but anytime I see a big crowd

it makes me think
of a t*rror1st attack.

And a Happy Christmas
to you too, Anne.

Was there this much of a queue

at the original nativity
do you think?

I don't know, ask Amanda,
I'm pretty sure she was there.

Very funny, Liz.

Hey, I heard there's going to be
a rabbit you can pat.

One rabbit?

One rabbit for all these kids
going in and out?

Jesus Christ, how many pats
can one rabbit take?

About 200.

Hey?

Roughly speaking, 200 pats,
or 15 minutes' worth

of heavy patting
is a rabbit's limit.

Do you think Anne
patted a rabbit to death?

Yeah.

That's why she
had to leave Ireland.

Oh, guys before I forget,
Christmas Eve, 7:00 p.m.,

I'm having a little festive
gathering chez moi.

I've only got
one stiffy invite left.

Actually,
it's officially for Meggy.

-Ooh, thank you.
-There you go,

it's got your name on it there.

Um. The rest of you
just take down the deets.

[man] Next family please.

Charming.

[Amanda] Come on.

Give us a look
at your stiffy then?

"Amanda's annual
Christmas drinkies."

"Dress code
is tinsel and tiaras."

"Bring a gift for evil Santa."

"Real Champagne 6:00 to 7:00,
Cava thereafter."

I'm not going to her
a**l Christmas drinkies

if she's not giving me a stiffy.

Who has a party
on Christmas Eve?

The night before Christmas
is for cooking and cleaning,

making up the beds,
folding towels, your big towels,

your small towels,
your hand towels.

Are Paul's parent staying over?

Yes, yes, yes they are,

and the rest of his family
arrive on Boxing Day,

so both days are awful.
I mean, basically,

I am a Christmas servant.

Christmas isn't Christmas

without a bit of
family politics, is it?

Who is gonna have
the last sprout?

Why did you pull my cr*cker?

Who's gonna clean up

after Jill's grandad's
used the toilet?

I'm taxi-ing
over to Jill's mom's

very early on Christmas morning
with the turkey, potatoes

cauliflower cheese,
spiced beef,

pigs in blankets, the ham,
cheese board, the full caboodle.

Then basically, all I have to do
is head over and serve it,

-and wash up.
-What does Jill do?

She fills a bowl
with Quality Street,

best bit of the day.

Lee's got the kids this year,
so, that's that,

Christmas can get f*cked.

[Julia] Is Sam the shepherd

not coming down
to worship at your manger?

Guys, heads up,

it's not a real reindeer,

I've been to Lapland
and it's at best a muntjac.

At worst, an Alsatian
with a strap on.

[Julia laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

[phone rings]

Jesus!
Who puts a quarter of an onion

in the fridge?

We brought some bits and pieces

from our fridge that
would have gone off,

thought they might be of use.
Um...

[groans]

[tin foil rustles]

[phone rings]

[sighs] What?

I've been in this queue
for nearly 25 minutes.

Ah, what absolutely sh*t

are you going to panic
buy me this year?

Another apron that says

"b*tch, I'm the
secret ingredient"?

No.

Hey, um, can you just ask
Dad if Mom needs a new Epilady?

My God, why can't you?

You know he never answers
his phone.

Geoff!

-Geoff.
-Geoff!

Geoff!

Paul wants to know, does
Elizabeth need a new Epilady?

What?

Does Elizabeth need
a new Epilady?

Do you need
a new Epilady, Elizabeth?

-No.
-No.

-No.
-sh*t.

Okay, okay, um, what about
a Michael Kors clutch?

Or a massive suitcase?

Oh, Julia, do you have any
Sellotape and scissors?

Right, yes. Fine.

[Elizabeth] You don't need to
worry about wrapping paper,

we recycled all ours
from last year.

Um... Are we eating today?

Hey?

It's Christmas Eve... Geoff.

Nobody eats on--
There is food everywhere,

just peel a satsuma,
crack a nut.

Tuck into a quarter of an onion
you coffin-dodging old sh*t.

[Geoff] Julia,
could you pop the kettle on?

I left the cups on the counter.

[phone rings]

-What?
-[Paul] Would you like

an Antony Worrall Thompson
salt pig signed by him?

-No.
-Okay,

what about Jaeger sockettes,

Ted Baker sunglasses...

[Marion]
Julia, where are all the towels?

I can only find the crispy ones
you use for the dogs,

like drying myself
on a Weetabix.

Okay, well give me a minute,
and I'll just pop down

to Harrods and purchase you
a cashmere bath sheet.

Oh, Julia.

No, because I live to serve,
and I just have all this to do,

all... this.

If you just give me nine hours
to spirit up Christmas,

and then I can dust off
my towel loom

and weave you one
from the hair

from a baby's arsehole.

[Marion] All right, Julia,

I'll use one of
the crispy ones, hm?

[groans]

Okay, guys,

I'm just popping
out to k*ll myself,

I would put my head in the oven,

but there's a turkey the size of
a chubby toddler in there.

See ya!

[door closes]

[Geoff] Is my tea ready, Julia?

Can't you just tether
some reindeer to the front

and drag your van to London?

Yeah, it's hard to get reindeer
roadside recovery

at the best of times,
let alone on Christmas Eve.

[sighs]
You got my bloody hopes up.

Well, look,
if it's any consolation,

looks like I'll be spending
my Christmas Day in a lay-by.

-[knock on door]
-Hold on.

[Julia] Lizzie!

Lizzie!

Call you back.

Yo.

So, I've run away from home

so that we can go
to Amanda's a**l party.

-No, no.
-Yes.

-Please!
-No!

-Please!
-No, I'm not in the mood,

Sam's not coming now, so,

I'm just gonna start wallowing
in my own

shitty shitmas without the kids

-and watch Hereditaryagain.
-Please, Lizzie,

I just really--
I want to go somewhere

I don't have to tidy up or pay.

Please, if you're a good girl

I'll give you a big snog
under the mistletoe.

[phones chime]

[Julia chuckles]

[Julia chuckles]

I hate you! All right.

It took me hours to build up
my Minecrafthomestead,

I had a room for my horse,
I had a couple of cows,

I had a waterfall.

Then your Charlie
joined the party,

I showed him round,
and he just went nuts,

and set fire to the annex
I'd made for the pigs.

So, I went to his place
and did the same.

Oh, put it away, Kev,
you're not eight!

Oh, dear.

Do you think it's a Banksy?

How disappointing.

Who would do
something so nasty?

Was it you?

I wouldn't use that font.

Right, come on, we're gonna miss
all the real Champagne.

[Julia] Mm.

Ah, welcome, welcome!

Shoes off, please.

I have a fungal infection.

Merry Christmas.

Gosh, Amanda,
this is absolutely stunning.

Yeah, it's actually for
my HyggeTygge website sh**t,

everything with a price tag
is from my shop, and for sale.

Oh, my God!
That is absolutely mahoosive!

Was that gifted
by the people of Norway?

No, actually. No.

Now, if you have been
to my dos before,

you'll know
I have a strict schedule.

Evil Santa is at 7:00,

followed by carols
by scented candlelight.

Anne is manning the bar,

there is a patio area outside
for mulled wine,

please no dark drinks
inside the house,

otherwise, kick back.
Have fun, guys.

[phone chimes]

Oh, my goodness,
those little sods,

they've kidnapped my llamas.

It's the p*ssy Posse,
and Kevin.

And Kevin.

-Minecraft.
-Oh.

Can you believe all this sh*t?

I mean,
who has a Christmas hippo?

That hippo completely sums up
why I f*cking hate Christmas.

Porn star martini?
Porn star martini?

Why is it called
a porn star martini?

Because it relaxes your an*s.

-Oh, God.
-[bell rings]

Evil Santa time.

-Okay. [shushes]
-[rings bell]

Everyone, okay.

So, FYI, this is like a really
fun take on secret Santa,

you get to swap your prezzies
if you don't like them,

whether the other person
wants to or not.

Ouch! [chuckles]

Okay, so has everyone
put their prezzies in?

No.

No one told me
about Evil Santa.

Well, it was on the invite, Liz.

I didn't get an invite.

Okay, I guess,

just watch but please
don't try and join in.

-[Meg chuckles]
-[sighs] Okay.

Bad luck
if you get picked first.

Oh, that's me. Oh. Oh, well.
[chuckles]

What's it gonna be?

Oh.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, a candle from HyggeTygge.
[sniffs]

Love it.
Great, that worked out,

I'm thrilled.

Okay, who is next?
Who's it gonna be?

-Anne.
-[gasps]

[Amanda] Come on, Anne.

-Have a look, come on!
-[Anne chuckles]

[Amanda] Move it, move it.

What is it? What is it?
[chuckles]

-What is that?
-Oh, that's me,

it's quarter of an onion, um,
my in-laws brought it.

[scoffs] Don't you dare swap
that with my lovely candle.

-No.
-Okay. Yeah, um...

Well, I need a bit of onion
for my bread sauce anyway, so...

That's the spirit, Anne.
Off you go.

Okay, who is next?

Let's have a look. Ooh!

Julia, come along.

Here we go. Come on.

-[paper rustles]
-[chuckles]

-A lemon squeezer.
-It's Lakeland.

Hey?

Don't you dare try and swap that
with my lovely candle.

-Well, obviously I will.
-I don't want a lemon squeezer.

-It's Lakeland.
-No.

-Yes.
-Julia, it's my party.

But you said.
You said that's the point,

-which you outlined...
-It's from my shop.

Stop it. Sweetheart,
you're embarrassing yourself.

The clue is in the name,
isn't it?

-Julia. Yeah, okay.
-The candle.

Stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it.

[Julia] Thank you.

[Amanda] Thanks, Anne.

Okay, ah...

Kevin? Where is Kevin?

-Kevin?
-I'll go and get him.

Kevin!

[Amanda] Okay,
I'll put his name back in.

-Clare?
-[Clare] Yep.

[Amanda] Come on, Clare.

f*ck' hell.

Oh, hey,
don't let me drink too much.

How much is too much?

Well, I need to stay on
the right side of hungover

to deal with tomorrow.

Really? God, I thought
your Christmas would be perfect.

No, because we always have
Bill's ex-wife Vivian over,

she's driving up from Salisbury,

-tonight.
-Gosh! That sounds

very grown up and functional.

No. Its sh*t,
because I stole her husband,

Bill left her for me.

And she's so f*cking
gracious about it.

I'd rather deal with
a hangover

than Vivian's kind,
forgiving face.

Okay. Well, here's to your

shitty, functional
Christmas then.

Get that down you.
Cin cin,dear.

-[glass clinking]
-Kevin?

This house is sapping
any joy I had left in my soul.

You know the toilet plays
"Ding Dong Merrily on High"?

Did you leave a yule log in it?

I mean who's it all for?

It's for us, so that we all know
that Amanda's winning.

[Julia] It makes you
want to volunteer

at a homeless shelter
or something, doesn't it?

I definitely would
if I didn't have the kids...

and I was a nicer person,

-and I could be arsed.
-[Meg] Right,

who wants to have a snoop

through Amanda's
Christmas drawers?

Ooh, yeah.

Ooh!

Wow.

I didn't know Amanda was related
to Barbara Cartland.

Oh, this is just the kind of
bedroom I imagined

losing my virginity in.

Rather than the fourth story
of an NCP carpark?

Actually, it was a tent
at the Reading Festival.

I don't want to sl*t shame,
but nothing says "slag"

like mistletoe in a bedroom.

Oh, my God!

Kevin, what are you doing
down there?

Mine Craft.

I'm mid-raid, I'm mid-raid.

Filthy little boy.

h*, h*, h*!

Who wants a festive goblet
of mulled wine?

Meg, are you mad,
did you miss the memo?

-What?
-No dark drinks

-in the house.
-Really? Why?

The carpet, woman.

Oh, my God! Who does that?

Why has she got a white carpet?

I hate milimilism.
Misimilism.

Give it to me,
I'll put it in the ensuite.

Okay, okay, okay.

Careful Kevin.

Oh, God!

[all] Ooh.

[Meg laughs]

[Liz] Oh, my God!

[Meg laughs]

-[mulled wine splashes]
-[Meg] Oh, my goodness.

Oh, wow!

-Did you see that?
-Yes!

You were like a cat, Kevin.

-[Meg] High five!
-[all] Ooh.

[laughs]

Oh, my God, the carpet!

Get some towels.
Get some wet towels.

Wet towels?
That will just spread it.

What do you put on blood?
Vinegar?

Flour. Flour. No, white wine.

We're not making a gravy, Kevin.

Go get some
bicarbonate of soda.

I'll check the kitchen.

Get some toilet tissue.

-Tissue!
-So, sorry. So sorry.

Don't you be sorry,
it's Meg's fault.

I'm sorry. [laughs]

Looks like a crime scene.

I think you've broken my nose.

I think I'm gonna be sick,
I've definitely pissed myself.

Got it, got it. Right.

Give it to me.

-[all] Ooh.
-[Kevin] Oh, sh...

Dust yourself off,
get it on the carpet.

Get it on the carpet!

[laughs]

Pat, pat, pat. Don't rub.
Don't rub!

Guys, come on,
it's carol o'clock.

Nothing.

[whispers] Oh, my God!

Are you taking drugs?

Yes.

Yes, we've been
sniffing cocaine.

[exhales]

Would you--
Would you like some?

I know I seem pretty chill,

and that's because I am,
but there is a time

and a place, guys, okay?

Not cool.

Not cool at all.

And get out
of my daughters' bedroom!

-Okay.
-Yeah, okay. Sorry.

[Julia blows raspberry]

-That'll do.
-Yeah.

[all singing]
♪ Four calling birds

♪ Three French hens

♪ Two turtle doves

♪ And a partridge

♪ In a pear tree

[rapping]
♪ You take the partridge

♪ You take it out the fridge
You put it in the oven ♪

♪ And you cook it a smidge
Here we go! ♪

[grunts rhythmically]

♪ Christmas Day
Is baby Jesus birthday ♪

♪ He live at the top
Of the tree ♪

♪ The Christmas tree

Okay, and on that note,

thanks for coming everyone,

-home time.
-No, no, no,

I don't wanna go home sober.

You're not sober.

Okay do grab a panettone

from the panettone pyramid.
Anne, one!

Anne, are you walking home
with us, love?

No, she's helping me clean up.

[Anne] No, I have things to do,
I'm doing the bins.

One, watch her.

-Okay.
-Whoopsie!

[Amanda] Anne, get the glass!

That's lovely.

-[Anne] Okay.
-[Amanda] Okay, wonderful.

-[Anne] Good evening.
-I love you.

[Amanda] Oh, that's so sweet.

-Thank you.
-[all] Bye.

Well, that was brilliant.

I feel terrible about the stain.

Everyone back to mine.

It's Christmas Eve, Meg.

Oh, come on
you flaky lightweights,

just one more eggnog,

so I don't have to face
Bill's ex.

It's only... [gasps]

Why am I wearing two watches?

What?

No! No, no, no. Liz,
can you call your child

and tell him to stop raiding
my homestead,

he's gonna burn it down
and take all my gold.

What's Charlie doing on
Minecraftat this time of night?

[Kevin] Whoa. Whoa.
What the bloody hell?

Ooh, that's not cool.

[Kevin] Oh, my God!

Who would do such a thing?

Kevin, we saw it earlier.

What? We didn't do anything?

You were dicking about
on Mein Kampf.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
We can't leave it up there.

What if a kid sees it
on Christmas morning?

I don't care, Kevin,
I've got a giblet gravy to make.

-No, no.
-[groans]

I'm all for free speech,
but this is BS.

And blasphemy.

What do you want us to do,
Kevin?

Find some paint
and paint over it?

Exactly.

-Oh, my god.
-It's ten past nine,

Homebase is shut.

That's just details, Liz.

This is what Christmas
is all about.

It's parents all over the world

preserving the magical lies
we tell our kids

to keep the spirit
of Christmas alive.

And I...

I will not stand here
and let this truth be told.

Fine. [grunts]

Okay. Okay, fine, Kevin.

Where are we gonna find
some paint on Christmas Eve?

[muffled music plays]

Hold on,
why are there still people here?

I thought they were all leaving.

Maybe there's been
an accident or something.

[Julia] Oh, for God's sake,
Kevin!

[Liz] We've been had.

We've been chucked out
of a party

-I didn't even wanna be at.
-Right.

[knocks on door]

[Julia] We know you're in there,
so open the door.

Yoo-hoo!

Jesus Christ. Um...

Nothing. I'm doing the bins.
So...

Hey. Uh...

-Their taxis didn't turn up.
-[Liz] Bollocks!

You wanted to
thin your party out,

but didn't have the ba*ls
to tell us.

This is my party,

if I wanna vibe on
with my gal pals,

that's my prerogative.

So, you lied. You just
kicked us out into the snow.

It's not snowing, Julia.

I think you know what I mean.
Is this really Christmas spirit,

good will to all men,
peace on Earth, parumpapumpum?

Shame on you.

Shame on you and your one invite
between three.

-Four.
-Four.

You can have your big,
showy-offy Christmassy house,

Christmas is not
about your bibbles and bobbles,

and your edible wreaths.

It's not edible.

It's about what is in there,

and there's nothing
in your there.

You're like an empty husk.

You're like a mince pie
with no mince.

You're a dead Christmas
with no heart. What?

[Amanda] Goodnight, Julia.

Whoa! Let's just roll back.
Roll back.

Somebody has scrawled,
um, "Santa's not real"

on the living nativity.

[gasps] What if a small child
saw that?

Yes!
So, what we need is a ladder,

-some paint--
-What was it you said Julia?

"A dead Christmas
with no heart"?

Mm. Did I? Um...

[Amanda] And now...

you want my help?

No, not me, not me.
The children.

They'll be wandering past that
atrocity that says

"Santa's not bloody real."

Is that an apology?

If that's what you need.
If that's what you need,

then I'm sorry.

How dare you?

My Christmas does have heart,
and for your information,

this year I wanted it
to be especially special.

It is my first time
hosting without Johnny,

and probably the last
time in my lovely house.

So, I am so sorry I went to
such a lot of effort for you all

and I hope you're happy,
because you have ruined it.

How did we ruin it?

Timber!

[Meg laughs]

[gasps]

[laughs]
Didn't anybody film that?

Well, that's that then.

No, we can't lecture Amanda
on Christmas spirit

and not do something about this.

Yeah, you did go
a bit over the top

with the whole "parumpapumpum."

[metal clanging]

Oh, my God, Anne,
you little beauty!

-[Amanda] Don't you dare, Anne!
-[knocking on window]

Don't you dare, Anne!

[Anne] Go, go, go!

I am calling your husband.

[Anne] Right,

let's get this Christmas
back on feckin' track.

Where's Meg the lazy bugger?

Oh, God.

I hope she's not gone
in with the donkey.

Can't abide donkeys.

Got bit on a school trip
to Skerries.

I was feeding one
a Fruit Pastille

-and it bit me under the nipple.
-Ooh, Anne.

The priest lifted up my t-shirt
to check the bruise.

It's ironic, because, actually,
"Anne" is French for "donkey."

Why is that ironic, Kevin?

Well, it's interesting then.
Just an interesting detail.

I think the interesting detail

is that after a donkey bit Anne
on the nipple,

she got molested by a priest.

Hey, guys. Come here,
look at this!

[Julia grunts]

Oh, that's nice and cozy.

[Anne] God love her.

[Liz] Aw!

Wake the f*ck up!

["O Come Let Us Adore Him"
plays]

Nothing like the smell
of fresh emulsion

to see in Christmas Day.

I've still got a toilet
to unblock,

and three massive bags
of potatoes to peel.

["O Come Let Us Adore Him"
plays]

♪ Sing in exultation

♪ Sing all ye citizens
Of Heaven above ♪

♪ Glory to God

♪ In the highest

♪ O come let us adore him

[all]
♪ O come let us adore him

-♪ Oh come let us--
-♪ ...let us adore him

[high-pitched]
♪ Christ the Lord!

Nice of her to turn up
when we've nearly finished.

At the end of the day,

I can forgive you
for the negging,

for the petty theft,

and the desecration
of the penguin tableau,

I know that was you, Liz.

-But what I can't forgive--
-She's seen the carpet.

...is myself
for not rolling up my sleeves

and saving God damn Christmas,
because this isn't about us...

it's about the kids.

Budge up, Anne.

Kev, would you get a photo
of this for my Insta?

♪ Once in royal David's city

♪ Stood a lowly cattle shed

♪ Where a mother

♪ Laid her baby

♪ In a manger

♪ For his bed

♪ Mary was

♪ That mother mild

♪ Jesus Christ

♪ Her little child

♪ He came down

♪ To Earth from Heaven

♪ Who is God

-♪ And Lord of all
-[horn honking]

♪ And his shelter

♪ Was a stable

♪ And his cradle

♪ Was a stall

♪ With the poor

♪ And meek and lowly

♪ Lived on Earth

♪ Our Savior holy

I'm sorry I stole
your husband, Vivian.

♪ We shall see him

♪ But in Heaven

♪ Set at God's

♪ Right hand on high

♪ When like stars

♪ His children crowned

♪ All in white

♪ Shall be around

[child] Mommy, Santa's been!

He's been! He's been!

[sighs]

[theme music plays]