03x03 - Mother's Day

[bunniefuu]

We're a very outward
facing school here at Millmead.

What a load of sh*t.

I told you this was
a bell end factory.

...a twinship program
with a school in Poznan.

It's twinned with Poznan.

-Where is that, love?
-Poland.

It's got the second-best
women's handball team

in the country.

[Liz] Ah, this place.

Someone's gonna get
a flute out in a minute.

[Mr. Taylor]
...grading us outstanding

in all categories in June 2017.

The inspectors commented
that learning is paramount...

I didn't think
you were going down

the state school route.

I thought you were sending Manus
to that posh school?

Yeah well, Hersham House
is still second choice.

I'm not paying
for Hersham House.

I'm not paying
thirty grand a year

for Manus to wear a boater.

So, it's still very much
up in the air.

It's not.

-You get me, Meg.
-What's that?

Where did Bill go? I bet he went
to one of the biggies?

Eton, Harrow?

God, no.

His dad was in the army,
so they were out in Cyprus.

-Oh.
-[Meg] No.

I'm the posho in the family.

-Where did you go?
-St. Paul's Girls.

-Putney High.
-I probably beat you at hockey.

No, I think I'd remember
if I'd played you at hockey.

Why's that?

Uh...

[Mr. Taylor]
...this means we expect

a lot from our student...

Netball was, like,
more my game so...

Oh yeah.

Without further ado,
please welcome

Shannon Bell with her version
of Mozart's

Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.

Take it away, Shannon.

That's it, I'm off.

Whoa, whoa, matey.

[theme music playing]

Science hub is named
after Marie Curie.

Where's Mr. Julia tonight?

Oh, he's, uh, nil by mouth.

You know what he's
like around snacks.

Oh, it's Paul's
vasectomy tomorrow?

Do send my love.

Hmm, to his ba*ls.

Oh, goodness. He'll be fine.

What's the worst
that can happen?

Uh, he dies?

That it doesn't work.

And through here
is one of our science labs.

Whoa, it's like
Laboratoire Garnier.

This term's project
is recycling.

We're looking at an enzyme
that can eat plastic bags.

Next month we'll be...

She had me
at plastic eating enzyme.

Fan of science?

It's a bit Russian roulette
with this school. Your kid's

either gonna be a Malia Obama
or a Barron Trump.

Oh, my God.

Look at that, it's Lee.

-Which one?
-That one.

With the stupid smirk
and the greasy curtains.

God. Did you ever have
that haircut?

Me? No, no.

I was affectionally called
pube head at school.

Which is ironic
'cause I didn't have a single

actual pube
till I was nigh on 16.

To think I was married to that
oily bollock for four years.

I guess you didn't know

he was an oily bollock
when you met him.

To be fair, I didn't know

Jill was a man hating sociopath
when I met her.

How's the divorce
of the decade going?

I got a letter
from her lawyer.

He seems like a top bloke.

In another world,
we might be pals.

Anyway,

he says I've got to move
out of the family home.

So yeah, that's happening.

You need to get tooled up, Kev.

Get your own lawyer.

Oh, I don't know.

That's like fighting fire
with fire, Liz.

No, it's like fighting fire
with a fireman.

Listen, use my woman.

She's great. And by great,
I mean cheap.

She mainly texts

which really keeps
the price down.

Speaking of which,
I've got to log on.

I'm Ubering tonight.

Oh, you get the job?

More like the job got me
in the end.

Beggars can't be choosers,
but they can be Uberers.

I'll see you later, Kev.

Yeah. See ya.

Right. I'm gonna make a move.

Oh, where are you off to?

Nowhere. An appointment.

Oh, come on.
I wasn't born yesterday.

Those are your date chinos.

If you're going to meet
a woman, that's cool.

Hey, if you're gonna meet
a man, that's cool too.

Johnny, you're making
something I'm totally cool about

a little bit weird here.

Okay yes, I'm gonna see
my girlfriend.

Girlfriend? Ah.

Yeah.

Cool.

When am I gonna meet
this girlfriend

Mr. Secret Squirrel?

Uh, never.

Can I at least get a name?

-Tamara.
-[whispers] Tamara.

I used to work with
a Tamara at Bibendum.

Yeah, she was a stupid fat b*tch

but I'm sure
yours is really nice.

Someone order an Uber?

That'll be me.

I'll meet you out front
in three minutes, yeah?

Goodnight, Amanda.

My love to Tamara.

[Julia] All right, maties. Ooh!

I love an after-school club.
I'll take anything, me.

Do you know 80% of visits
to children's A&E

are from
trampolining accidents?

Yeah, that's true.

I've broken nine ankles

on trampolines. Uh,
three of them my own.

Oh, I love sitting in A&E.

God, anything that kills
four hours of the afternoon.

-All right, Mands.
-[Amanda] Yeah.

Why are you walking like a goat?

I just had my feet treated.

I've found
the most amazing podiatrist.

I'm going to go every week
because she literally sanded

ten years off my feet,
I swear to God.

I mean they look 22.

So, what did you think about
the Millmead open day?

Oh, Millmead's definitely
on the list.

We're also on the waiting
list for Elmfield.

So brilliant.

They call their teacher
by their first name,

they do International
Baccalaureate. And I think

Lilly Allen and Gemma Arterton
both got expelled from there.

It's so cool, you know?

For me, it's between
Boundary Road Academy

and Boundary Road Academy, so

we'll probably plump
for Boundary Road Academy.

What's your beef
with Millmead mate?

-Lee went there.
-[Liz] Yeah.

There's no way I'm sending
my kids to the same

dickhead school
as their dickhead dad.

Oh well, I, for one, will be
thrilled to send my children

to an Ofsted rated
outstanding dickhead academy.

Uh, sadly Julia, turns out

we're not actually in the
catchment for Millmead.

-Ah.
-Sorry, what, what...

wh... wh... what, what the what?

Yeah. We've been
outside of it

since those flats went
up on Sandy Way.

So, I guess we're destined
for Boundary Road too.

-Ah.
-Oh my god. Flip off.

Flip the flats.

Even if they do have a really
good Budgens underneath them.

God, I'm starting
to hate my house.

I've got this builder coming
round this afternoon

to install grab rails and ramps.

It's gonna be like living
on a cross channel ferry.

I'm mortgaged up to the nips

and we've got subsidence.

I'd hang on in there.
Your foundations

might slide you into
the Millmead catchment area.

Actually, we're thinking
of moving

closer to Millmead.
So...

you can come live with us
if you like Julia?

You can live in the attic.

You could start a commune.

[tuts]

What's wrong with you king tut?

Well, I just don't agree with
middle class people effectively

buying
their way into state schools.

I-- I'm sorry Meg, I think,
I think that's immoral.

[Amanda] Kevin.

Meg has cancer.

Although saying that,
it might actually work

-in your favor at Millmead.
-In what way?

Big C.

They wouldn't turn away
a cancerous mother.

You should totes tell them.

No, I'm not going to do that.

Yeah. That's the spirit.

God love ya. Come on.

-Hug?
-No, no you're all right.

-Okay.
-Bye, babies.

Meg, look if you need anything,

anything at all,
please just holler.

Actually, I have
a couple of pallets

in the garden that need
taking down to the dump.

Oh. Laughing
in the face of cancer.

You're my hero.

Hasn't affected
your sense of humor, Meg.

Oh.

[door closing]

Is the bathroom up there?

-Hmm?
-[builder] Bathroom?

-Uh, upstairs?
-Yeah.

[whistles]

Um, builder. Builder!
Builder, mate!

Matey, mate. Oi, oi, oi!

-It's Garry.
-Cool.

Just could you take
your shoes off

when you, um, come
in the house generally?

Please would be nice.

Uh, please can you

please take your shoes off
when you generally

come in, please,
thank you, please.

Seeing as
how you asked so nicely.

What's your name?

-It's still Garry.
-[Julia] Yeah.

Julia. Enchante.

Sorry, can,
can we roll back a bit?

Sorry, I'm so sorry
it's just that my mum's just,

um, moved in
and the whole building...

Um, I mean with every
respect to your trade, it is--

it's a bit galling having
to pay for your lovely, um,

en suite to be ripped out
in favor of

a geriatric sheep dip so...

but then she did

give birth to me so I suppose...

-It's nice.
-Hey?

What you're doing
for your mum.

It's a good thing.

Thanks.

Garry.

Uh, would you like
a cup of tea or...?

Yeah.

Blimey, Liz.

-Blast from the past.
-All right.

I was just having my lunch.

I didn't know anyone
was out here.

This is Kev, who I was

texting you about.
Kev, this is Linda.

Hi, hi. I'm very nervous.

Nice office. I didn't realize
you could still smoke indoors.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Help yourselves.

-No.
-So Liz, how are you doing?

How's Lee? 'Cause I think
of you often, you know,

'cause you're one
of my few clients

that managed
to give it another go.

[laughs] Yeah right. As if.

Oh, so you did go through

with the divorce
in the end then?

What? Yeah, yeah. You sorted it.

Oh no, no, no.

I just, I just did
your decree nisi.

I sent you
that text remember saying...

That'll do nisi.

So, I just assumed that
when you didn't apply

for your decree absolute
you'd just

-got it together.
-What so,

what does that mean?
I'm still married to Lee?

I mean if you didn't get
your absolute

then technically, yeah.

f*ck's sake, Linda.
You might have mentioned it?

I just send the texts, mate.

Keith, what can I do you for?

Um, well,

I w... uh...

Ooh, can-- can someone hear
a car alarm?

Uh, Liz I... I think
that's our car alarm, Liz.

I'm-- I'm just gotta, um--
I'm just gonna

go and do,
um, I'm just gonna...

'King hell Linda.

I can't wait for
that bloody builder to finish.

Mother, you always do this.

-[Marion] Do what?
-The queen of finding fault

with anyone
I've ever brought home.

Where's this coming from?

I'm stressed.
I'm really stressed

about the whole school
catchment area thing.

How did you decide
where we were gonna go?

Well, you just went
to the nearest big school.

That's the worst one
in the borough.

Well, that's just
how it was, Julia.

Oh, okay, Mother.

Well, um, I tell you what
I'll give some, um,

'70s parenting a go.
See where that gets me.

Well, you turned out all right.

Got a good job,
nice husband, lovely house.

I'm quite clearly
mentally insane, mum.

That could have
easily been avoided.

-Yes what?
-Hey baby.

-Yes.
-[Paul] Just rang to say that

you know, if I don't wake up
from the anesthetic,

God forbid, then

I love you and say goodbye
to the kids.

[Julia sighs]
One, it's a local anesthetic,

and two I've just found out
we're not

in the catchment
area for Millmead.

Well, what do you want me
to do about that?

Oh, have an opinion?

I'm about to undergo
a life changing operation here.

It's just keyhole surgery, Paul.

-In my testes.
-[Julia] Okay,

well, um, I've got to go.

So, um, good luck with having
your sperm hose severed yeah.

You are going to regret it

if that is the last thing that
you ever say to me.

Oh, f*ck off.

Hi. Sorry about all this chaos,

I'm just having a total mare
with-- with schools.

I'm just usually much,
much, much more chilled.

Just I really want my daughter
to go to Millmead.

So, um, does that make me
a bad mum?

No. You want what's best
for your kids, right?

Yes. Yes.
Yes. Thank you.

My brother had the same thing.
He went to mass so

his kids could get
into catholic school.

Wow. God,

that's a really good idea. I'm--
I'm definitely gonna do that.

Uh-- Uh, are you a believer?

Did you get married
in church or...

No, I'm not married.

I mean even if I was, I wouldn't
go down that route.

-Never tempted? Ever come close?
-[Garry] No.

No, no me neither.

Well, I am

but...
I-- I just, I think, um,

I think marriage is very much
a social construct so...

-[Julia screams]
-Oh, oh. Sorry.

Are you, you okay?

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

-[Garry] Yeah.
-Yeah.

Uh.

Ah I don't... I don't think
it broke the skin

-so... [laughs]
-[Garry] Sorry.

-No, it's fine. T...
-[Garry] Oh.

Hardly felt it.

So...

So, I've narrowed it down
to 27 Tamaras,

all based
on Johnny's type;

young, blond,
athletic shoulders,

defined jawline,

around five foot seven and
a half, say five ten in heels.

And approximate
geographical location

between Reading
and Central London.

Are you sure young and blonde
is his type?

Because, like, you're 42

and weren't you brunette
when you met?

Fake news, Anne. I'm 38

and I was born blond.

-[cell phone rings]
-Yeah.

[Amanda] Speak of the devil.

[laughs]

Hang on just a sec.

Hey Johnny, how's Tamara?

[Johnny] Uh, fine. Listen,

uh, I can't make
Boundary Road open day now.

Ooh, are you out with Tamara?

[Johnny] No, I'm in Manchester.

One of us has to go.

Maybe I should go with Tamara?

[Johnny] Sorry?

Well, if this is
a serious relationship,

if she's going to meet our kids
one day, I should meet her.

[Johnny sighs]
I suppose you should.

So, she is going
to meet our kids?

Wow, that was fast.

[Johnny] So, are you gonna go
to the open day?

I'm just not sure that Manus
is a Boundary Road type of guy.

[Johnny] Amanda, please.

Okay, you know what,
I will go to your open day,

and in return,
you can organize lunch

for the three of us,
you, me and Tamara.

[Johnny] God's sake.

-Fine.
-I can do Wednesday.

-Coffee?
-Okay.

[Liz] Thought I'd cancelled
my subscription

to sh*t husband monthly

but turns out
I've been technically married

to Lee for eight years.

Oh, mate!

Oh jeez.
It's Jill's solicitor again.

I replied to one text, it's like
I've opened the flood gates.

All right hags? And Kevin.

No, no it's all right,
I'm not stopping.

I'm just getting a takeaway.

On my way to have a
sneaky peek at Hersham.

f*ck it. Jade'd look really cute
in a boater.

God knows how many miles

I'd have to drive
to even afford the boater.

Yeah, even if I re-re-mortgaged

our unmortgage-able house

I still couldn't afford Hersham.

Yeah, I might give, um,
St. Cuthbert's a crack.

What the Catholic school?

By the bridge that lorries
always get stuck under?

Yeah, Garry said
that his brother managed

to get his kids in there so...

-Who's Gary?
-Oh, he's my lovely builder.

And it's Garry.

Two Rs.

Didn't think you could make
the name Garry any worse.

You know it's not that easy
to get into Catholic school.

You do actually have to be
Catholic for starters.

Whoa, some news for you Anne,

I actually do identify
as Catholic.

I love bread, I love wine,
I love the pope.

And you wouldn't feel guilty
about doing any of that?

-No.
-There you go then you see, uh.

You're not Catholic.

I-- I'm with Anne on this.

You can't pretend
to be a religion

just to get your kids
into a certain school.

Oh Kevin,
who's going to punish me

for being a lying atheist?

Richard Dawkins? Ricky Gervais?

Oh, God, it's Jill's solicitor.

I'm absolutely
spinning out here.

This was my worst
nightmare, ending up

penniless and alone
in a bedsit.

And now
it's actually coming true,

except I haven't
even got a bedsit.

I've got a great lawyer
for you, Kev.

She did Frank and
Christine Lampard's prenup.

She's the best of the best.

-Guys.
-Hey.

Guys.

Nice of you to leave
your sick friend standing.

-Oh no, no, I'm okay, Mands.
-No, no, no.

Excuse me, sorry.

Could I borrow your chair,

it's for my friend,
she's got cancer.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

[clears throat].

[clears throat].

[clears throat].

Did you want
to light a candle?

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you, God,
for these gifts,

gift of life,
the lamb of God.

Spiritus

Sanctus

crispus.

Candidus

et ast

horus.

Agnes

Deyn.

[exhales]

Sorry, just a quick question,
who-- who runs

the school next door?

Oh, uh, well

Sister Benedict
is the head teacher.

Ah, coolio. How--
how could I wangle, um,

a meeting with this
Sister Benedict?

It's just that my daughter, Ivy,

she's actually named after
Saint Ivy of course.

She's, um, she's deeply,
deeply,

heavily religious and, um,

she's just so desperate
to go to the school.

Maybe if I-- if I left you
my name and number, you--

you could put
in a word for me or...?

I think it's best if you make

an appointment
to see Sister Benedict.

Now I'm sorry to rush you,
but I'm just about

to start locking up.

Oh, yes, of course.
Yes, thank you,

thank you so much
for your time.

I'll just, um...

Okay.

I'm not, I'm not gonna tell you
what I wished for

because then
God won't grant it so...

Just suffice to say,
I think I'll be seeing you

on the first day of next term.

Come on, guys.

All right, fellas.

Did you get my email
about Linda?

-Who's Linda?
-Linda, who did our divorce.

Oh, Barely Legal Linda.

You know she was in the paper
for shoplifting.

Anyway, I've got some
f*cking terrible news.

The kids are mine?
[laughs]

No. We're not divorced.

-You what?
-We got the first bit,

but not the second bit. So,
we're still legally married.

[laughs]

Why are you laughing? You know
that makes you a bigamist?

Are you serious? It makes me
like Henry the Eighth.

He had eight wives as well.

No, he didn't, he had six.

No, that's why they called him
Henry the Eighth.

You know one of his wives
was a ghost?

Didn't you have to prove
your divorce

when you married
Dairylea Cheese?

It's Debbie Louise.
And no.

And for your information we got
married by what turned out

to be a drug dealer
on some beach in Ibiza, so...

legally it wasn't worth
the sand it was written in.

Right well, we need
to sort this,

so read your emails
and get back to me.

Ooh. What's the hurry?

You wanna marry your farmer
or something?

No. God, no.

You've put me off marriage
for life.

Well, what if I don't want
to divorce you?

What if I like
having two wives?

Well, if you like having
two ba*ls,

reply to my email.

-[Amanda] Meg. Hey.
-Oh, hey.

-Look at you.
-After you.

Oh, thank you.

Wow, you've made an effort
to see Mrs. Lamb.

Oh. No, I'm, uh,
going for lunch actually.

With Johnny
and his new girlfriend.

-Oof, I'm sorry.
-For what?

Well meeting
the ex's new girlfriend,

we've all been there, babes.
It sucks.

Well, bless you,

it actually the opposite
of sucks.

It blows.
[laughs]

No. It's absolutely cool.

All good in the hood.
Now, listen,

you focus on your
wellbeing, yeah?

We're the ones worrying
about you, Meggy.

What are you doing here?

Uh, trampoline club.

-Oh, me too.
-Oh.

Ahh.

There's only one place left.

Really? Could you pop
Manus down, please?

Just pipped you to it there
I'm afraid, Meg.

Meg would be at the top of
the waiting list though, right?

-No.
-[Amanda] Okay.

Sorry, I'd totally
give you my spot

but I just bagged this
weekly podiatrist appointment

and, you know, it's my feet...

-Right.
-Yeah, so annoying, I'm sorry.

It's just...

I have cancer so...

Yeah but...

my feet.

-She's got cancer.
-[Amanda] I know.

She doesn't stop
going on about it.

No, you should absolutely
have it, Meg, no.

Definitely, of course.
Honestly.

It's yours.

Yeah, pop Meg down. Yeah.

Good for you. Yeah.

Can't not be nice, can I?
[laughs]

Thank you.

This place is very Suits.

Do you think
these monstera are real?

Thanks for coming with.

You're a good mate.

Yeah well, if she's any good

I might get her
to finalize my divorce.

I cannot spend one more day
married to that penile wart.

Mr. Brady?

-Hannah Grove.
-[Kevin] Hi.

Ah.

-This your wife?
-Oh, no, sorry,

um, sorry, this is Liz.

I'm his escort.

Uh, no, no she's just

a friend. She's just here
for moral support.

Yeah and a bit
of business actually.

Um, how much would it cost

for you to do
my decree absolute?

I'm just going to be dealing
with one

-at a time, if that's okay.
-Oh.

So, Mr. Brady, you wanna

give me some background?

Yes, okay, um,

my wife and I have been together

for fourteen years,

married for eleven.

It's a funny story actually.

Our friend Shona
does a rounders game

-every year at Brockwell Park...
-Okay, that's great.

So, I guess
my next question is...

what do you want?

Well, I want my wife back.

Is-- is that something
you-- you can arrange?

Just it's a little joke.
Sorry, no.

Um, what I really want is

equal access to my girls

and a warm bed.

Sure. But I mean,

she's the one
divorcing you, right?

You've done nothing wrong.

I-- I mean, I could have
learnt to drive,

and-- and I sort of
hold my breath

and then breathe out
when I'm asleep,

but it's kind
of sinus related...

But from what Meg tells me

you're the main carer
for these kids,

right?
You're Mr. Daddy Daycare.

Yeah, okay but I hate
that expression.

'Cause, uh, I'm
just being a parent.

But you put your career
on hold, right?

Well, I don't really have
a career.

What did you always envisage
yourself doing?

I mean as an adult?
What did you want to be?

What about your children's book?

So, you put your career

as a successful
children's author on hold

to care for your kids
while your wife

selfishly pursued
her dream job as a...

A bookkeeper.

Well, it sounds to me
like we should be going after

at least 50% of your
wife's earnings, Mr. Brady.

Oh. [chuckles]

-You think?
-You don't hire me to think.

You hire me to know.

Yes. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah?

-Yes.
-[Hannah] Great.

Let's take this b*tch
to the cleaners.

Yes.

What just happened
in there, Liz?

What have I done?

Transubstantiation.

Ecumenical.

Ecumenical, ecumenical.

Yes, we were in church
yesterday,

um, actually.

And if you don't
believe me the--

the duty nun can vouch for us.

We're just totally into
the Bible.

It's actually on my Kindle.

It is at the heart
of our teaching.

So, what's your favorite bit?

I wouldn't like
to get into it because it's...

very personal.

Uh, when I talk
about the Bible it's a very

personal...

The Bible means
a lot to me, and so

I wouldn't really want
to get into specifics.

No particular verses or stories?

Stories? Oh!
[laughs]

Yes. Right, sorry.

No. The Nativity,
love that.

Um, that's a cracking yarn.

The four horsemen
of the apocalypse,

I mean, what a twist.

The bit where the guy
is walking along the beach

with the footsteps, it turns out
it's Jesus holding the...

the fella. I mean, uh,

what a twist
that gets me every time.

Well, it was lovely
to meet you,

Mrs. Johnson. And as I said
at the start,

admissions are decided
through the local authority.

What about the higher authority?

Does he have a say or...?

It's Ealing Council.

Also, a lot of places
go to siblings.

Yes, gosh. Yes, of course,
you being Catholics.

I mean, my hubby's not keen
on the old condoms either.

I'll tell you what
I'll do for you,

I'm gonna leave you my card,
it's got my deets.

I'll give you
a little tinkle tomorrow

and just see
if there's anything

-you can do personally.
-There won't be.

Hmm. Final answer?

I can see what you're doing,

so let's stop wasting
each other's time.

I meet about twenty blaggers
like you a day.

Wow.

That's a sucker punch.
Um...

You nuns, you're,
you're very superior,

aren't you?

Um, with the wimple,
um, I googled that.

So, is it my fault that a
block of flats is built

and thereby pushing us
out of a catchment

for a really good school? No,
it's not. I'm a great mother.

And if that means
I'm gonna bullshit a nun

from time to time,
to get my kid

a cracking education,
that's what I'm gonna do.

And I would do it again.

She knows. She knows

because she is the most famous
mother of them all.

That's Mary Magdalene.

She's a childless prost*tute.

Exactly.

[Meg] Yeah, I'm just arriving
at Boundary Road,

I'll call you later.

Oh.

Fair enough.

But what we lack in space,

we more than make up
for with visits

to local sports grounds
and swimming pools.

Physical activity,

one of the tentpoles

of our teaching here
at B.R.A.,

as well as our renowned
music program.

Oi, Kev. You ghosting my lawyer?

Sh-- she, she, c--
can she sue me for that?

I can't go back there, I felt
like I was hiring a hitman.

That's why I like her.

Gonna get her to do
my decree absolute.

I cannot wait to be free
of that d*ck weed.

You know she's £400 an hour,
yeah?

Oh, guess I'm still married
to him then.

So, um,

Hersham House

was overpriced
and underwhelming.

-How was it with the nuns?
-Um, no.

No, no. No, no, no.

We're gonna plump
for Boundary Road so...

Hmm.

I think this place has
a really good vibe.

[laughs]
Look at you all slumming it.

The science block
smells of farts.

I know where I am in a school
that smells of farts.

So please
put your hands together

for the Year 10
symphony orchestra.

Oh, f*ck this.

[theme music playing]