01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

I have been asked by General de Gaulle

to find a way

to get French paratroopers

involved in missions with a British unit.

I've already chosen my officers.

So far in this w*r I've k*lled 21 men,

so in fact you can call me 21.

Next!

Do you play the piano, Paddy?

Eoin was trying to teach me.

Ooh, I say.

Let the games begin.

What is it about Stirling

that you dislike so much?

I invented the SAS.

He had no right to destroy it

on its first mission.

SOLDIER YELLS

- Eoin!

g*nf*re

expl*si*n

- JOCK GROANS

Only the dreamer

and the madman left.

I have 20 of the toughest, finest

paratroopers in the French Army

under my command.

This was my idea.

And everything up until then

has been part of a strategy.

You'd only have to spare one man.

Somebody left behind at Jalo to train

the free French in desert warfare.

I've decided it has to be you.

So I stay in Jalo

while you continue to go out on missions?

So the loser finds a way to win.

g*nf*re

Two trucks.

Now, I would suggest

that we form up into ranks

and straight lines

for a formal military greeting

with salutes and all that

wonderful nonsense, but

that would give them a rather

false impression of who we are.

Hey, sir.

Will they wanna share our hashish, like?

Offer it only if asked.

Do we raise their flag?

Their flag have we got it?

Yeah, I made one.

HE EXHALES

I bought some coloured bedsheets

in a brothel in Cairo.

Visiting the mother was you, Riley?

- THEY LAUGH

Well, if you've made one, raise it.

I thought the French flag

was all white.

THEY CHUCKLE

OK, all of you,

when the free French arrive

there will be no infantile abuse

or counterproductive stereotyping

for any reason whatsoever.

Even if it transpires that the unwashed,

French b*stards deserve it.

THEY SCOFF

Besides, insults would be unwise,

even light-hearted ones.

I have it on very good authority

that they are a rough lot.

SEEKINGS WHISTLES "LA MARSEILLAISE"

Yeah!

- THEY CHEER

God's sake,

this is Paddy Mayne's welcoming party.

Where the bloody hell is he?

Oh, here's the mad b*stard.

French men at 500 yards, sir.

There is a man among them

called Augustin Jordan.

He is a poet, and he's k*lled more Germans

than all of us put together.

Now, I gave my word that we would

unfasten their leashes and let them fight.

Rommel's airstrips are

now heavily defended.

Men like Jordan are men like us,

and they've lost their country.

It would be rather unsporting

to k*ll him at 500 yards.

Perhaps, instead,

you should read poetry to one another

and then wrestle naked in the sand

to see which of you

is a finer Spartan warrior.

Never wrestle naked in the sand.

Sand under the foreskin is one of the most

painful medical conditions imaginable.

Have you been drinking?

Aye.

And are you going to at least be polite?

The last French words I heard were

ne tirez pas.

I was very polite.

I said, je suis desole.

Je dois le faire.

DOG BARKS

Compagnie! Formation!

Compagnie, garde-a-vous!

SERGEANT CONTINUES IN FRENCH

- THEY CHUCKLE

Alignez!

HE SHOUTS IN FRENCH

Quvrez la formation.

Marche.

Ooh.

Paddy, perhaps you would like

to inspect your men, hmm?

This is Lieutenant Zirnheld,

former paratrooper.

This is Soldier X, real name unknown.

Ex-Foreign Legion, we call him La Vinasse.

"Grapes".

Cos he drinks wine instead of water.

La Vinasse.

Grapes.

How many of your men

do not remember their own names?

Most of my men speak no English at all.

Well, actually, Paddy speaks French.

No, he f*cking doesn't.

Paddy speaks dog

and your men speak dog. So

we will communicate as dogs.

This is one man that knows his name.

Sergeant Essner, ex-Foreign Legion.

He joined the adventure

before the w*r began.

And he's German.

He is invaluable at roadblocks.

We have German uniforms in our truck

and four of my men are fluent in German

but Sergeant Essner's the real thing.

Ooh, Mr Real Thing.

How real are you, Sergeant Essner?

I am a real soldier.

I despise the French

but I f*cking hate Germans.

You are a German

in a Frenchman's uniform.

Nothing but a turncoat.

Expect to be isolated by my contempt.

Yes, sir.

Actually

there are two of us.

I am Corporal Brickner.

I am German too.

They came as a pair.

That's f*cking brilliant.

Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Deutsch.

Oh!

- BRITISH SOLDIERS LAUGH

HE SNEEZES

What the f*ck is that?

THEY CHUCKLE

This is Aspirant Halévy.

He speaks German as well.

He is Jewish.

And his entire family,

including his two children

were taken to the camps.

He has made a vow to k*ll

as many Nazis as he can.

I am a hand grenade, sir.

Pull the pin

throw me where the enemy's

most numerous.

We have use for men like him, Paddy.

Fair play.

Show me to the philosopher.

You'd know Augustin Jordan,

my second in command

winner of the Croix de Guerre

and former professor of Philosophy

at La Sorbonne.

Sir.

I hear you're a poet.

The eyes of a familiar compound ghost

both intimate

and unidentifiable.

I find T.S Eliot rather dull.

Not a debate worth getting

sand under the foreskin for

one might imagine.

Parade dismissed.

This is going to be rather fun, isn't it?

While you're settling in

I'm going to be taking my men

on a little jolly up country.

What's a jolly?

Halt! German up front!

Jesus Christ, it's OK. It's OK.

The truck is ours.

It was stolen to order

by our friend here at the LRDG.

The intelligence boys took it,

they painted it up

put the German vehicle identity code

on the roof.

We're going to be using it with us tonight.

There's someone down there, sir.

—- Oh, yes.

Yes.

On tonight's jolly

we're going to be taking a guest with us.

His first name is Randolph.

His second name is Churchill.

Blimey f*ck me.

His father Winston has heard about us

and wants to know more

so he's sent his son along

to join in the fun.

But please feel free to treat him

as badly as you treat everyone else.

Too right, sir.

Compagnie!

Garde-a-vous!

Stand easy.

Repos.

We will begin your training regime

this morning with a wee competition.

You will divide into two groups

and use these poles

and these planks

to build two scaffolds, 30-feet high.

There are hammers, nails and screws

but no plan.

So you will have to use your initiative.

Is there a French word for initiative?

The first team to build a scaffold

30-feet high which a man can climb

will be the winners.

How do we divide?

Germans, Jews, non-French Legionnaires

against the French.

No, we do not divide ourselves that way.

I have just divided you in that way.

Any more questions?

Well, there f*cking should be a question.

Why are you asking us

to build two scaffolds

thirty-feet high

in the middle of the f*cking desert?

We're we're trained

not to question orders.

We're trained to carry them out.

Lesson number one,

on morning number one.

You must ask why.

Why?

Very f*cking good.

Sharp.

Yeah.

You must ask why

because if you know why

you are carrying out your mission

when things f*ck up

as they inevitably will

you will know how to achieve

what you set out to achieve

in a different way.

In your own way.

So, why are we building two towers

30-feet high

in the middle of the desert?

Because when they are built

you are gonna climb them

and jump off them.

While you are carrying out

this test of teamwork

initiative and stamina

I'm gonna be up there on that ridge.

Observing?

— No.

I'm gonna be sh**ting at you.

You'll be what?

Aye, I'll be sh**ting at you

with live ammunition.

It'll be up to you to avoid my b*ll*ts.

I see evidence of slacking or shirking

that really does get my goat

and I might just decide

to wing the culprit.

But, most of all, I'll be sh**ting at you

by way of encouragement.

As a general rule, I'll be sh**ting

at anybody who stands still.

So don't stand still!

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh Oh!

If any of you feel like

this is all a wee bit unfair

f*cking please feel free to try

and do something about it.

OFFICER IN FRENCH:

Oh, be warned.

When I pulled up that bucket earlier,

there was a frog in it.

LOUD THUD

Now, then. She's a truck.

Treat her like a horse, not a kitten.

And you're Italian, drive like one.

What does that mean?

Green means go,

amber means accelerate

red means accelerate

and honk your horn.

I thought we were supposed to be

in the Africa corps.

When in Rome, Cooper!

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Be careful with him, David.

Yes, jolly good.

So you're going to just drive into Benghazi

and plant the expl*sives?

Oh, yes, that's the plan.

I like plans that can be explained

with one breath.

Benghazi is Rommel's doorway

to the Mediterranean.

We're going to blow

that door off its hinges.

You'll be able to tell your father,

victory is spelt "SAS".

How will we get into Benghazi?

Oh, w*r is mostly chaos

with random explosions and bits of heroism

and lots of self-preservation.

Most of the time, soldiers

have no f*cking idea what's going on.

Italian checkpoints are manned by

boys and shopkeepers.

Aren't you gonna shave?

— No. No point.

All you need to get past them is arrogance.

A few German uniforms.

And parachutist Cooper, who speaks Italian

as well as your average n*zi.

The Italians will assume

we're trusty German allies.

And if that doesn't work, well,

then you just

open fire.

Next time we're in an oasis

and you pull up a frog

keep it.

Share it with the group.

Bully beef can get terribly monotonous.

"Don't Let's Be Beastly

To The Germans" by Noel Coward

Don't let's be beastly to the Germans ♪

GUNSHO

- HE YELLS

HE YELLS IN GERMAN

HE YELLS IN FRENCH

We might send them out some Bishops ♪

GUNSHO

HE YELLS

Let's be meek to them

and turn the other cheek to them ♪

DISTANT CHATTER

But don't let's be beastly to the Hun ♪

THEY CHATTER IN FRENCH

—- For many years ♪

They've been in floods of tears ♪

Because the poor little dears

have been so wronged ♪

And only longed to cheat the world ♪

Deplete the world

and beat the world to blazes ♪

GUNSHO

- THEY YELL

HE YELLS IN GERMAN

g*nshots

- THEY YELL

Though they've been a little naughty ♪

—- GUNSHO

To the Czechs and Poles and Dutch ♪

I don't suppose those countries

really minded very much ♪

Let's be free with them ♪

And share the BBC with them ♪

—- g*nshots

We mustn't prevent them

basking in the sun ♪

Let's let them feel they're swell again ♪

And b*mb us all to hell again ♪

But don't let's be beastly to the Hun ♪

GUNSHO

I have youl! Get on your

feet, put your hands in the air!

GUNSHO

Ah, f*ck!

HE GROWLS

f*ck off.

HE GRUNTS

—- I don't believe you.

Don't believe me?

Ooh

I expected better from you.

My commanding officer has some idea

that you and I are similar.

A shared love of poetry and philosophy.

I wonder

if it's something more than that.

Shh

PADDY BLOWS

Perhaps we should find out.

JORDAN SPITS

What say you, Professor? One go each.

I say you're f*cking insane.

Ye who philosophise on life and death.

Yes

— You are now looking at the real thing!

In this moment

Stop!

— g*n CLICKS

Merde!

You're up.

I offer you a moment.

I have a wife and a child.

I save my b*ll*ts for the enemy!

We're here to defeat fascism,

not play your games.

I cannot believe you just

risked your life for no reason.

I told you the reason.

You do this purely

to discover that I'm not you.

Yep.

—- That's it.

Yep.

PADDY LAUGHS

Oh, and listen,

since I have stopped firing b*ll*ts

your men have stopped working.

Work!

On travaille!

Lesson learned about men

and the motivation of men.

GUNSHO

f*ck.

See, Monsieur Jordan

SAS training is mostly

about what is in here.

Now get back to work.

HE SIGHS

Do the same.

Just in case we have to go out with a bang.

How's the old man?

Oh, you know, he's keeping busy.

Yeah.

Just think, if in two minutes' time

we all get a b*llet in the head

it'll be your name

on the front of the newspapers

and we'll all be but a footnote.

Rather amusing.

SOLDIER SPEAKS ITALIAN

f*ck.

No, no, that's good, that's good.

We're in luck.

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

Ooh, a dandy. Even more good luck.

Tell him I have to

sh*t. I've got dysentery.

STIRLING GRUNTS

HORN HONKS

STIRLING GROANS

Scheisse, scheisse

INDISTINCT CHATTER IN GERMAN

- HORN HONKS

OFFICER MUTTERS IN ITALIAN

GERMAN SOLDIERS YELL

STIRLING GROANS

- GERMAN SOLDIERS YELL

No, no, no.

HORN HONKS —- Per favore.

ITALIAN GUARD YELLS

Oh, right. Well, they forgot to put

the f*cking numbers on the roof?

It was Dudley Clarke's

job to sort that out.

GUARD SPEAKS ITALIAN

Cooper, you're driving on the bloody

English side of the road!

Get over!

Jesus bloody Christ.

Looks like you might make the frontpages

of the newspapers after all, old boy.

ANNOUNCEMENT IN ITALIAN

ANNOUNCEMENT IN ITALIAN

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Turn left up here,

let's see if they follow.

Don't indicate! When was the last time

you saw an Italian soldier

indicate before he turned?

- I thought we were supposed to be German.

Shut up, Cooper.

Don't you f*cking dare look around.

Cooper.

- BRAKES SQUEAL

MAN YELLS

- DONKEY BRAYS

HE SHOUTS IN ARABIC

Sorry, sir.

Right, come on. Cooper.

ENGINE GRINDS AND STARTS

ANNOUNCEMENT IN ITALIAN

Turn left up here.

They follow us, we open fire.

f*ck.

- It's a dead end, sir.

Bloody hell.

Right, two hours to relax before dark,

gentlemen.

Messieurs!

THEY CHEER

No one divides us, Lieutenant Mayne.

Just like meat, next to the bone is best!

Life close to death

is truly f*cking magnificent!

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

Before you jump, do you have a question?

Pourquoi?

Why are we jumping?

Because why the f*ck not?

Go!

Good boy!

Go!

Pathetic. Go!

—- Pourquoi pas!

Go!

Pretty f*cking good.

Go!

Pathetic.

Pourquoi pas!

f*cking woeful!

Oh, f*cking hell.

Tweedle f*cking Deutsch!

Mr Real Thing.

Let's have a good look at you.

Go!

- Why the f*ck not?

f*cking useless!

Standby! Go!

Go!

Like a sack of shite.

LOUD CRUNCH

- MAN GROANS

That's f*cking diabolical!

Go!

Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go!

Stand by.

Go!

Go!

MEN SPEAK FRENCH

—- PADDY: That is a f*cking order.

OVERLAPPING CHATTER

Allez! Courage, soldat!

Sautes!

Silence!

f*ck's sake.

- HE SPEAKS FRENCH

Absolutely no chance!

Get that out of the way now!

That is a f*cking order.

On enleve. Allez, on retire.

On retire.

Enleverz.

PADDY IN FRENCH:

Pourquoi pas!

HE GRUNTS

THEY CHEER

He did it!

He did it!

THEY CHEER

THEY CHEER

INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

Listen up, chaps.

Prime the 30-minute fuses.

Riley.

You and Jim head for

the petrol dumps round there.

Seekings, you take Cooper

and eradicate that harbour.

Churchill, I should hope

you've got your swimming cap.

Rendezvous back here, 27 minutes.

Go.

LOUD THUD

sh*t.

I don't know any Italian.

Do you know any German?

Bit of opera libretto. Wagner.

GUARD IN ITALIAN:

We have to convince them

that we're Germans.

GUARD IN ITALIAN:

Try it.

GUARD IN ITALIAN:

Ja!

GUARD IN ITALIAN:

Run.

- g*nf*re

Catch.

DISTANT CLAMOUR

- ALARM WAILS

g*nf*re CONTINUES

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, sh*t.

SOLDIER IN GERMAN:

INDISTINCT GERMAN CHATTER

Oh, they've overrun the truck.

f*cking marvellous.

How the f*ck are we gonna

get out of here now?

How long, Jim?

We have about four minutes.

Where the f*ck is Stirling?

OK, one more minute

and we leave 'em behind.

INDISTINCT GERMAN CHATTER

Hey.

INDISTINCT GERMAN CHATTER

What the f*ck is he doing?

There's no point hiding.

Stand up straight. Walk with us.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

They've set up road blocks.

OK, Cooper, let's try something new.

SOLDIERS LAUGH

GUARD IN ITALIAN:

Do your line.

THEY LAUGH

ALARM CONTINUES

Twenty seconds.

expl*si*n

EXPLOSIONS

GUARDS SHOUT IN ITALIAN

expl*si*n

INDISTINCT YELLING

GERMAN SOLDIERS YELL

- GUARD SPEAKS ITALIAN

They're looking for Germans with beards.

Yes, on reflection,

terrible idea not to shave.

INDISTINCT CLAMOUR

Oh ♪

What is so bright

for the duce, the duce ♪

DISTANT CHATTER IN ITALIAN

ALARM CONTINUES

f*ck it.

HE WHISTLES Hey!

the fever, oh, fever ♪

In armoured cars, they strum guitars ♪

Till frilly white skirts

lay the duce with black shirts ♪

Oh ♪

What is so bright

for the duce, the duce ♪

He can't put it over the Greeks ♪

Now, when exiting a city

especially one where you have

created a good deal of chaos

your approach to checkpoints

can be much less subtle.

g*nf*re

- GERMAN SOLDIERS YELL

I'm now 25!

26!

So what will you say to your father

when we get back to London?

I will say, "Holy, holy

holy f*ck."

Oh ♪

MEN SING IN FRENCH

MEN SING ROWDILY

Gobshites.

THEY CONTINUE SINGING

You don't want to join us?

I'm only staying to make sure

you don't damage any of our property.

Your men are very drunk.

You know, you make me curious.

Don't you have anyone back in England?

Nobody in England, no, I'm Irish.

And in Ireland, I have a mother.

Why'd you ask?

What you did today

I wondered if you'd do that

if you loved someone.

Ooh

We British don't have

these pointless conversations.

THEY CHANT IN FRENCH

But in my opinion

loving somebody can make you

too fond of life, which

can turn you into a coward.

A coward?

How so?

DISCORDANT NOTES PLAY

My friend, they're just playing, huh?

It's just a piano.

Your wee loyal German

sounds like a n*zi to me.

INDISTINCT ROWDY CHATTER

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER CONTINUES

MEN YELL

Paddy!

You n*zi rat!

Touch that piano again!

Get him up!

INDISTINCT CLAMOUR

Paddy! Watch out, Paddy!

INDISTINCT CLAMOUR

Come on!

THEY YELL

Put the g*n down!

Put the g*n down!

- Paddy, don't!

g*nsh*t —- f*cking—-

g*nshots

THEY YELL

Get him out of here!

Calm down, Pad!

Captain Mayne.

- Get out.

Captain Mayne

—- GUNSHO

whatever the cause of your pain

you have my deepest sympathy.

HE PANTS

HORN HONKS

- ENGINE POPS

I can hear it but I don't believe it.

ENGINE POPS

What the

— Couple of souvenirs from Benghazi.

What's left of it.

I sent you out in an Opel Blitz

and you come back in

a f*cking pram and a handcart!

Oh, bollocks.

There is a rumour going around in Cairo

that Winston Churchill's son

went on a mission

behind enemy lines with the SAS.

HE WHISTLES

Of course, no one but a fool like me

would believe such a rumour.

Mr Churchill. How was your trip?

Oh, you know, bit of sightseeing.

How the hell did you manage

to hitch a ride with my driver?

Oh, she has friends in very high places.

I would like to speak to Mr Churchill.

I have a message for him

to give to his father.

Randolph, may I introduce you to

a single cause

walking on two legs, with a single goal

and many, many strategies for achieving it.

In London, the British prime minister tends

not to take General de Gaulle's calls.

I thought I'd try another method

of getting his attention.

Well, you certainly have my attention.

Well, permission denied, Randy.

And perhaps, Miss Mansour,

you would come with me

and explain exactly how you managed to get

a hold of such confidential information.

DONKEY BRAYS

Your journey was wasted.

Who told you he was being picked up here?

Dudley Clarke.

The other reason I came

was to see how you were.

Thank you.

For what?

For not smelling of blood or petrol.

I'm sorry.

It takes me a while

to get back to normal.

Before I go, I take these, uh

amphetamines.

When I get back, I take barbiturates.

I am myself

in between.

But

I'm not in-between quite yet.

How long?

About an hour after sunset,

I will stop shaking.

And then about an hour after that,

I will stop

hearing explosions.

May I stay for that?

How was Cairo?

When the wind blows from the west,

you can hear Rommel's Panzer divisions

straining at the leash.

But also buzzing with talk

about the rogue heroes of the SAS

and the phantom major who leads them.

And how is Dudley Clarke

responding to all the glory?

It seems he's inpatient

for your destruction.

The trucks we were given by Intelligence

for our attack on Benghazi

had no code numbers on the roof.

We were sent out as sitting ducks.

As head of French Intelligence, Cairo

I'm officially warning you to be aware

of your intelligence operatives.

They do not all mean you well.

So, you see,

I'm not just devoted to one cause.

I'm also concerned for you.

Did I hear

"Head of French Intelligence, Cairo?"

I reported my boss for being a drunk.

For the good of France, I do bad things.

Oh, God.

—- SHE LAUGHS

You're quite a number, aren't you?

What is a number?

Now, as a general rule

I avoid possession and being possessed.

So please do not waste your concern on me.

I am sorry

your life is no business of mine.

You can make it your business.

ROCK COVER OF "LA MARSEILLAISE"

Why the f*ck are they not training?

Oh, dear.

Yeah.

My men have refused to work

under Captain Mayne's command.

My men have decided that he's a madman.

Two of them have broken jaws

one has three broken ribs

and among the broken barrels on the floor,

you'll find several teeth.

Alright, I will speak to him.

He needs to be put in a f*cking cage!

INSECTS BUZZ

Destroy many planes?

Two boats.

Oh, we're counting boats now, are we?

Yes.

I knew you would make

a f*cking useless training officer.

I knew you were

deeply unsuited to the task.

So why did you do it then?

I did it because you were proving to be

a more effective

commanding officer than me.

I did it to win the game, there it is.

If this is some kind of double bluff

I'm telling you, it isn't very smart.

Oh, it's the truth.

My father taught me to win at everything,

in any way possible.

Who shot the gazelle?

- It was that or a Frenchman.

Why did you fight them?

Because they're French.

So it's your daddy's fault?

—- Oh, yes.

Because of my daddy, I already feel

the urgent need to sh**t a gazelle

to match you.

— So go f*cking sh**t one then.

Apologise to the Frenchmen!

—- No f*cking chance.

There's a herd of gazelle

two miles from here.

Go get it out of your system.

- I blame my father.

What's your excuse for being

such a mad f*ck?

I don't need a f*cking excuse.

Right, well, one night,

someone's going to come in here

and they're gonna slit your throat.

They are welcome to try.

What sort of boats?

Torpedo boats.

Yes, and half the harbour.

What a shame you missed it.

And you're serious about the gazelle?

Yes.

You want to sh**t one,

you need to sh**t a gazelle?

Oh, yes.

- Good.

Cos they've probably

all f*cked off now anyway.

Oh, you mad Irish c**t.

Ah, the use of "Irish" as an adjective

is very provoking.

Oh, yeah? So we go to it.

You and me, in the sand.

Come on!

- I would beat you to death.

I would pull a knife.

I'd take your knife from you,

cut off your ba*ls

and stir them into a Bloody Mary

which I would then force-feed

down your Jacobean throat.

You need to forget about Eoin McGonigal.

There.

That was me pulling a knife.

It's best for you

to leave this tent right now.

No.

I know you went to find him,

to bury him properly.

Well, now you must bury him in your head.

No one can bear undeclared grief, Paddy.

Now, I am going to relieve you

of your training duties.

I didn't find his body.

I didn't find his body.

I know.

Paddy.

Churchill's son turned up as promised.

He came with us, he was very impressed.

He will lobby for us with his father.

Also, we are apparently

the talk of Cairo.

Now is our moment.

I'm going to ask GHQ for Jeeps

Vickers machine g*ns,

ammunition, expl*sives

more men.

The w*r is in the balance.

We can change the course of it

while you sulk like Achilles in your tent.

I'll not apologise.

But you can tell the Frenchmen

that I shot that gazelle for them

and that I will roast it on a fire

and share the meat with them.

I am gradually coming round to the notion

that they might actually be good men.

All our men are good men.

They just have the misfortune

to be led by us.

Come on.

I'll help you cook this f*cking thing.

Allez a table!

Messieurs. A table.

— INDISTINCT CHATTER

Come on!

To our future jollies together

and the defeat of fascism.

Why don't you pretend to be

bloody civilised and get in a line?