03x11 - Lucy and Jack Benny's Biography

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Yes, Mr. Fein.

Yes, I understand.

The matter is
extremely confidential.

I'll take care of it
for you, Mr. Fein.

Goodbye.

Oh, Harry, I had the greatest
lunch. Listen if you like pot roast -

Please forget
about your pot roast.

- I have a job for you very important.
- Oh.

I just received a phone
call from Irving Fein.

Irving Fein!

Who's Irving Fein?

- He manages some of the
biggest stars in Hollywood.
- Oh!

And one of those stars
needs a secretary immediately

- because he wants to dictate
something very confidential.
- What's the star's name?

He wouldn't tell.

Oh boy, that is confidential.

That's right, Lucille. This matter
must be handled with utmost secrecy.

Well now, Harry you know
how I can keep a secret.

Yes, but I'll take a
chance on you, anyway.

Now, here's the address.
Get over there immediately.

Yes sir.

Oh, Lucille, I'll need that
address for the files. What is it?

I can't tell you. It's a secret.

[doorbell]

Coming.

Hello.

I'm the secretary sent over by
the agency. I'm Lucille Carter.

- Oh, come right in.
- Thank you.

Why, you're Jack Benny!

Well, yes.

Yes. I've been Jack Benny for years,
and years, and years... and years.

Gee, I never thought I'd
meet the famous Jack Benny.

Why you're a living legend.

Well, at least I'm living.

Oh, what a beautiful
home Mr. Benny and I just

can't tell you how
thrilled I am being here.

You know, Mr. Benny, you are the
greatest comedian in the whole world.

Well, I kind of wished
you hadn't said that.

I mean it's
embarrassing, you know.

It might be true but
it's embarrassing.

- Now, let's get to work.
- Yes, sir.

- Would you be comfortable here?
- Oh, yes, sir.

Alright.

- Now, I'm going to dictate
the story of my life.
- Oh!

The real me. I mean the
Jack Benny that nobody knows.

- Now, would you believe that
I was a terrific lady's man.
- No.

You know, that's the
trouble. Nobody does.

- Well, my autobiography
will change all that.
- Oh.

- Now, let's get on with the dictation.
- Yes, sir.

The Women In My Life, by...

- By Jack Benny.
- I know that.

- Now, let's start.
- Okay.

The Women In My Life
or I Am Curious Jell-O.

I think that's funny.

Yes, I think it's a good title.

Now, there were many, many
women who influenced my life

but the first and foremost
was, of course, my mother.

I remember when I was just a
little kid back in Waukegan, Illinois.

How do you spell Waukegan?

W-A-U-K... gee, I forgot.

But then, you know, it was
years and years and years.

- And years.
- Yes.

Well, anyway...

Oh, Jacky, that's beautiful.

I can listen to you
play day and night.

When you play, it sounds
like the singing of angels.

When will papa be home?

Oh, Jacky, papa called. He's
going to have to work late tonight.

- Again?
- Yes. These are hard times
Jacky and every penny counts.

The first of the month is coming and you
know how papa and I worry about the rent.

Don't worry about
the rent momma.

I won't evict you.

Thank you, Jacky.

You can owe me the money. Just
give me your wedding ring as collateral.

Well!

Gee, momma, that's
a wonderful pose.

I may use that in my
debut at Carnegie Hall!

Jacky, please, don't copy
any more of my mannerisms.

It's bad enough
you walk like me.

Now, cut that out!

Play, Jacky, play.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

What? How dare you.

A fine next door neighbor you are
always complaining about my son practicing.

Well, you're just jealous
because my Jacky plays

the violin better than
your Yasha, Mrs. Highfitz.

My musical career was interrupted
by the w*r and I joined the navy.

And then I met Zelda.

Jack, after dinner tonight,
let's not go to another museum.

Let's do something exciting.

Like what?

Let's go to Roseland and dance.

Okay, but you'll have to lead.

No, Jack I mean
we'll dance with girls.

I don't know. I've never
danced with a girl before.

Jack, the girls at
Roseland are lots of fun.

They're warm and friendly and
beautiful and it's 10 cents a dance.

Well, if that's all they
can afford I'll take it.

No, Jack. You pay them.

Well, that I won't
discuss at all.

Well, you do what you
want. I am going to Roseland.

I don't care where you go.
You can go any place you want.

I'll stay here and get drunk.

I don't care where he goes.

I'm going to have a good time.

What do you have, sailor?

What's the matter?

I've just been smitten
by cupid's arrow.

Oh, thank goodness. For a
minute, I thought you had heartburn.

Please, sit down.

No. I'm not allowed to
sit with the customers.

Well, that's alright. I
never buy anything.

Please, sit down, please.

Well, okay.

My name is Jack. What's yours?

Zelda.

Zelda.

What a beautiful name.

It sounds like the
singing of a nightingale.

The glissando of
an angel's heart.

Gee, you talk funny. Are
you a poet or something?

No. No, I'm a musician, a violinist
and quite good, if you should ask.

I'm not asking.

Well, I'm telling.

Excuse me. I didn't
mean to get so rough.

Gosh, I'd like to
take you in my arms.

Will you dance with me?

Dance? How old are you?

Seventeen.

- Seventeen?
- Uh-huh.

I'm sorry. I can't
dance with a baby.

Well, if I knew you were in that
condition, I wouldn't have asked.

I meant you were the baby.
You're too young for me.

Well, not really.
I'll tell you a secret.

I lie about my age.

- No.
- Yes.

I'm really older than
I look, you know.

See if you can guess
how old I really am.

- Just guess.
- Eighteen? Nineteen?

No, no, a little older
than that. Guess again.

Sixty-three?

I'm 21!

Well, what a coincidence.
That's how old I am.

Sixty-three?

No, 21.

Oh, you lie about your age, too.

- No, please, please dance with me.
- I will not.

Please. You're the only girl I've ever
seen who has affected me this way.

If you don't dance with
me, I'll just k*ll myself.

Okay. Okay, I will.

Alright.

Put a nickel in the machine.

♪♪

[singing] Can it be the breeze?

The w*r was over.

I have defeated the Kaiser,

the bright lights beckon to me
and I became a star in vaudeville.

It was there I met Deborah.

You know, another
funny thing happened.

I was walking down the
street today and a panhandler

came over to me and said,
"Sir, can I have 50 cents?

I haven't eaten for three days."

So, you'll hear
the answer to this.

This will k*ll you.

So, I said to the
panhandler, "If you haven't

eaten for three days,
you should force yourself!"

Now, I want to tell you
another funny anecdote.

It's about a fellow who
went to the library and...

What's the matter miss?

My mother and
father had an accident.

They were... there was
an expl*si*n in the house

and they were blown
right through the roof!

Oh, that's terrible.

No, it isn't! It's the first time
they got out together in years.

Well, anyway you probably
heard the library joke.

So now, I'd like you to meet
my partner, Deborah Fink.

Come out again, Deborah.

I hope you always wash your
hands before touching my violin.

Yes, and after too.

Hmm.

Now folks, Deborah and I
will do our big finish for you.

Let's go, Deb.

♪♪

Say, you're kind of cute.

Would you like to go out
with me after the show?

Sir, I'll have you
know I'm a good girl.

Well, for your information,
I don't drink. I don't smoke.

I don't stay out late
and I don't carouse.

Oh, you're a good girl too.

♪♪

Oh. Do you know the three
quickest ways to spread the news?

No. What are three quickest
ways to spread the news?

Telegraph, telephone,
and tell a woman.

♪♪

Oh. Say, I understand your brother
lost his job as the city lamplighter.

Yes. It was his job to turn
on the streetlights every night.

And what happened?

Well, one night, he
got lit and the city didn't.

Okay, Deborah, now
for the flash finish.

♪♪

[singing] Can it be the breeze?

Vaudeville was soon replaced
by a new phenomena, radio.

Naturally, I became
a radio star too.

It was on radio that I became
associated with the girl I'll never forget.

Her name was... oh yes,
Mary, Mary Livingstone.

So I said to Phil Harris, "Phil,
Phil, you've got to stop drinking.

Your eyes are
getting bloodshot."

And Phil said, "Jackson, you
should see them from the inside."

Now, I wouldn't say that Phil drinks a lot
but... hey, here comes Mary Livingstone.

Hello, Mary.

Mary, what's that you're
carrying? A letter from your mother?

Uh-huh.

How nice.

And what does the midnight
cowboy of New Jersey have to say?

My darling daughter Mary,
everything is fine here in Plainfield

except that your cousin Bertha is
very upset because she wasn't selected

to go Atlantic City for the Miss
America Bathing Beauty Contest.

Even though I'm her aunt,
I must admit that Bertha

has the prettiest pair
of knees in New Jersey.

It's a shame
they're in the back.

Yeah.

Poor Bertha never had any luck.

We thought she finally
landed a fellow last week.

For seven straight nights, a
college student took her out.

Well, a college student.

But the eighth night,
he didn't show up.

He called and said
the initiation was over.

Poor Bertha.

Last year, Bertha did have a boyfriend
name Herman but it met a very sad end.

He worked for a brewery
and fell in a vat of beer.

And he drowned?

They saved him from drowning
but he caught pneumonia

from everybody trying
to blow the foam off him.

Well, that's about all the news.

So, I'll close the fondest regard from
your mother, Cactus Flower Livingstone.

Mary, Mary, what
are laughing at?

P.S. tell Jack that after
he spent the night here,

we found that he had left
his toupee and his toothbrush.

We're mailing it back to him, the
one with the handle is the toothbrush.

I know, Mary, I know!

Next, I made my
debut in the cinema

because the women of the world
hungered for a new sex symbol.

Every glamour girl in
Hollywood threw herself

at my feet including the
legendary Lola Lavier.

I'll never forget the night I told
Lola that our romance was over.

So nice to see you
again, Mr. Benny.

Naturally.

- Do make yourself comfortable, sir.
- Thank you.

Hello, Jack.

Hello, Lola.

Jack what a surprise.

If I have known you were
coming, I would have dressed.

- Cigarette?
- No, thank you.

Lola, this is difficult
for me to say.

Sit down.

Sit down? This is
difficult for me to do.

- Lola, we've been sweethearts for years.
- That's right Jack.

- And we've learned a lot from each other.
- That's true.

You taught me the
meaning of true love.

And you taught me the
meaning of Dutch treat.

That's true.

But Lola, all good
things must end.

And so...

Jack what are you
trying to tell me?

Do I have to put in words?

- Can't you see it in my eyes?
- No, no. Your mascara hides everything.

Now, cut that out!

Lola, we're through, finished!

Oh, Jack, Jack have
you forgotten already?

It was only a week ago,
the marriage proposal.

That was your idea.

Who told you to propose to me?

- I'm going to leave right now.
- No! No! You can't go!

Now, now, my dear, no tears.

The song has ended.

Let the melody linger on.

But Jack, you can't leave me, not
after I gave you the best years of my life.

- You gave me what?
- The best years of my life.

Even a stinker like me wouldn't
take advantage of a line like that.

Now, my dead, let us say
goodbye without a scene.

No, you can't do
this to me, you can't!

I'll get even. I'll sue you
for breach of promise.

So what?

I'll drag your name to the mud.

Big deal.

I'll get the studio to reissue,
"The Horn Blows At Midnight".

You wouldn't dare!

- Please, please let's try again.
- No.

- This is the end.
- Oh please!

[singing] Can it be the breeze?

- Now, the next woman in my life
was an international beauty.
- Oh.

- A member of the jet set.
- Ah.

Who... wait a minute.

Oh my goodness, I had
no idea it was this late.

- You must be starved.
- Oh no, sir.

The sandwich you
sold me was very filling.

I don't mind working late
because your story is so fascinating.

I know, but I can't work any
longer. See, I have a date tonight.

Oh.

A friend and I are taking
out a couple of girls.

You see, I'm still a swinger.

Oh. I didn't know that.

[doorbell] Oh, that must be him.

Come in.

Hi! Hi, George!

Hello, Jack.

George Burns!!

What time do we
have to pick up the girls.

I've already picked them up.

Come on in, girls.

Hi, Jack!

Hi, Trixie, Ginger.

Oh Jack, I'm so sorry we're late
but I had to stop and pick up the pill.

The pill?

Yeah, the one that
keeps us awake.

Come on girls,
let's paint the town.

Bye.

I hope we don't hurt ourselves.