03x12 - Lucy and Rudy Vallee

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Sit down. Sit down.

It was very nice of you to
invite me to lunch, Harry.

I didn't invite you to lunch.

I merely said let's
have lunch together.

There will be separate checks.

Then why did you
ask me to join you?

I wanted to prove to you that
a lunch hour is not 90 minutes.

Waiter, waiter.

You called, sir?

- Are you busy?
- My time is your time.

Oh!

Did anyone ever tell you that
you look exactly like Rudy Vallee?

Inevitably and indubitably because I am
the lovable and legendary Rudy Vallee.

Oh!

Oh, you can't be.

[singing] For I'm just
a vagabond lover.

Oh, it is you!

Oh, Mr. Vallee, you've
always been my favorite singer.

Mine too.

Oh, Mr. Vallee, please sit
down. I'd love to talk to you.

But just for a moment.

- I'm Lucille Carter and this is my
brother-in-law Harrison Carter.
- How do you do?

I don't understand.

Why would the great Rudy
Vallee be working as a waiter?

Yes, you're a matinee idol.

That's just it. I don't
want to be an idle idol.

- Oh!
- An idle idol. That's very good.

Get up, curly, there is people
waiting for service and food.

Not there is people,
there are people!

Your English is atrocious.

Look Curly, what you want?
Good grammar or good taste?

Get going.

Sir, you shouldn't talk to him
that way. He's Rudy Vallee.

I don't care if he's
San Fernando Valley.

Now, get going.

In a moment, sir.

What am I going to do?

Tell me, why are you
working here, Mr. Vallee?

Yes. Could it be
that you're broke?

Hardly. Money is not my problem.

I want something
to do with my time,

I mean after I dust my megaphone, play
a few records, and read my scrapbooks,

- what else is there to do?
- Well, doesn't your
singing keep you busy?

Not anymore. You see, the type of songs
I used to sing are démodé, passé, dead.

Oh, that's not true. All us
teenagers just loved you.

You see, I need something to keep me
occupied until the current trend is over

and people want my
genre of music again.

John who?

- My type of music.
- Oh, that John.

You mean kids today
don't like your music?

They never heard it.

You see, all my songs
recorded at a speed of 78

and who has a phonograph
like that anymore?

- I have.
- You would.

Well, why don't you have
someone teach you how

to sing the modern
songs like my kids play?

Wait a minute, that's it!
My kids are teenagers.

Maybe they could teach
you some of the new songs.

- You? Are a mother of teenagers?
- Yes.

- Charming, lovely, young lady like you?
- Oh, thank you.

- That is incredible.
- That's very nice.

You can't possibly
be older than 25 or 26.

The Vagabond
lover strikes again.

You really think your
children could modernize me?

Oh, I know it, Mr. Vallee.

Kim sings and Craig
plays several instruments.

Well, he better play extra
loud. He's out of town this month.

Oh yeah, I forgot. Craig went
on a camping trip for my vacation.

- You mean for his vacation.
- No, I mean my vacation.

For one month I don't
have to listen to his drums.

But Kim and some of the
other kids could help you.

Still loafing, huh, Curly?

You know, I got a
good mind to fire you.

- You can't fire me!
- Oh no?

Watch! You're fired!

I own this establishment.
That's why I got hired, remember?

Oh yeah, that's right.

Well, let me give you a tip.

You're going to go
broke with help like you.

Mr. Vallee, you
own this restaurant.

Yes, the building too.

The building too?

In fact, the whole block.

Oh that's wonderful!

But even though
you're well off financially,

you should still go
back into show business.

You are depriving millions of
people the thrill of enjoying you.

Millions?

That does seem a
bit thoughtless of me.

Yes, it is.

Now, why don't you let Kim and
her friends teach you the new songs?

- Well, I might give it a try.
- Good! Good!

We'll do everything
we can to help you.

- Yes. I could be your agent.
- Yeah! No.

- What do you know about being an agent.
- I know I'll get a commission.

And rightly so, an agent can
be of great assistance to a star.

That's why I never resented
paying my agent his 9 percent.

Nine percent? I thought
agents got 10 percent.

Not with me, they don't.

No wonder, you
own the whole block.

Thinking it over, 9
percent is fine with me.

- You mean that you're
going to— - Oh sure. Of course

Oh good! Where do you
think you can book him, Harry?

Well now, let's see.

Oh, I have a friend who owns
the Hungry Hippie restaurant.

- That's where all the kids hang out.
- I know!

- Yeah. Well, now, maybe I could book
Mr. Vallee there.
- I hope so.

I don't want to brag, but I was
the Tiny Tim of the roaring 20s.

That's really good fellows.

How did it sound, Kim?

Well, it must be
getting better, Steve.

This time, not one neighbor
called to complain about the noise.

- Great! Now, we can try it
with the big amplifier.
- Oh, right.

Let's get it, guys. Come on.

Oh, hi Kim.

Oh, hi mom!

Good. I see you're
rehearsing today.

Yeah, the kids just stepped out for a
minute. Why are you home so early?

Got a surprise for you.

- Guess who?
- Hi-h* everybody!

Hi-h*?

The Lone Ranger!

Oh, Kim! This is the
great Vagabond lover.

Oh, please to
meet you, Mr. Lover.

Kim, this is Rudy Vallee.

Oh, Rudy Vallee.

Boy, this modern generation, some of
them don't even know who Bing Crosby is.

Who's Bing Crosby?

- Kim? Can we... oh hello, Mrs. Carter.
- Oh Steve, this is...

Oh... um Rudy Vallee!

Oh see? He remembers.

Yeah, we've read about
you in History class.

Yes, I fit in somewhere between
King Tut and Genghis Khan.

Mr. Vallee is a great singer.

Please tell them the truth.

Well, you are a great singer.

I'm not a great
singer, the greatest!

Oh, and you're going to
be even greater, Mr. Vallee,

as soon as Kim and the
boys teach you the new songs.

Now, you just settle down.

Uh, Mr. Vallee, I'm sure
you're very good but nobody

can teach modern music
to the older generation.

Oh, Kim!

Really.

I'm afraid the kids think
everybody over 30 is over the hill.

I look at it this way.

Behind every hill,
there is always a Vallee.

Hey, let’s put it right
upfront here, guys.

Oh, Mr. Vallee, this is
rest of Steve's group.

- Boys, Mr. Rudy Vallee.
- Hi-h* everybody.

- Hey, wow, Steve, this is a beauty.
- Yeah, it sure is.

- What is that?
- Well, that's Steve's new amplifier.

Oh.

- What's that?
- That's my old amplifier.

Things have certainly
changed, haven't they?

Everything is electronic
these days, Mr. Vallee.

Yeah, the boys have one kid in the
group who only plays extension cords.

Honey, I certainly appreciate
your wanting to help us out.

- Uh, mom?
- What?

We haven't said we'd do it, yet.

- Are you still planning to
use my car Saturday night?
- Yeah?

Then, you're doing it.

What songs would you
like to learn first, Mr. Vallee?

What do you suggest?
It's your pouch.

My pouch?

I think he means it's your bag.

Mr. Vallee, the expression
is, "It's your bag," not pouch.

Oh yes, yes. Your bag,
indeed. Your bag, your bag.

And tell me, what are
the songs you know?

Well, let's see, there is
Polyethylene Pam, Tennessee

Walking Bird, Mean
Mr. Mustard, Octopus Garden.

Octopus Garden! That
doesn't sound very romantic!

Well, yeah... oh hey,
Steve! How about that

new Beatles song! That's
a romantic love song.

A romantic love
song, that's my bag.

You want to show
him how it goes, Kim?

Oh, I've only sung it once.

That makes us even.
We've only played it once.

Okay, that sounds fair enough.

Okay? Ready? Hit it, guys.

♪♪

[singing] She came in
through the bathroom window,

protected by a silver spoon,

but now she sucks
her thumb and wanders

by the banks of her own lagoon.

- She came in through the
bathroom— - Hold it! Hold it!

Just a minute. You say
the Beatles wrote that?

Yeah!

No wonder they broke up!

You mean, you
don't like this song?

Like it? I don't
even understand it!

Mother, I don't think
this is going to work.

The older generation just
doesn't seem to have any soul.

Young lady, for your information I
want to know that I invented soul.

Of course, my patent may
have run out but I invented it.

Let me show you some real soul.

I'll just use you the
boys make may relax.

Now, take this
right from the top.

It's written in 4/4 time.

Well, what do you know, the


Play it.

♪♪

[singing] For
some girls I quickly

forgotten, and gone
with the dawn of the day.

But some you remember like lasting glowing
ambers haunting your memory and dreams.

For I'm just a vagabond lover in
search of a sweetheart it seems

and I know that someday I'll discover
her, the girl of my vagabond dreams.

Oh, Mr. Vallee,
that was wonderful.

Naturally.

What an unusual song.

Yeah, it just makes you feel
like swinging into a wild waltz.

Mr. Vallee, won't you
please try our song now?

- Well, I'm not sure
that I— - Oh please?

- Well, okay.
- Oh good.

We'll only need you this time and
this we can take out of tempo. Rubato.

- Rubato?
- Yeah, play it Rubato.

♪♪

[singing] She came in through the bathroom
window protected by a silver spoon.

But now, she sucks her thumb and
wonders, by the banks of her own lagoon.

How am I doing?

I've never heard it sung
quite that way before.

Thank you.

[singing] She came in through the bathroom
window, protected by a silver spoon.

But now, she sucks her thumb and
wonders, by the banks of her own lagoon.

[doorbell]

- Mrs. Carter?
- Yes.

- Please come in.
- Thank you.

Oh.

Mr. Vallee will be down in just a moment.
Won't you make yourselves comfortable.

Thank you.

- Oh my! This room, isn't it too much?
- Really.

Look! Look at that clock.

- It must be 200 years old.
- Oh!

Oh this mantle, oh did you
ever seen anything so beautiful?

- Look at these things!
- Look at all the pretty things.

- Oh!
- What's that?

Oh, it's a poor little lamb
that lost its way. Baa, baa, baa.

- That's from the Whiffenpoof song.
- The what song?

The Whiffenpoof
Song. It was a big hit.

Well, I never heard of it.

Well, now, you may be
surprised to hear that there

are a lot of people in this
world that never heard of

- Polyethylene Jam.
- That's Polyethylene Pam.

See what I mean?

- Look at this desk!
- I know! It's enormous!

Oh! It's like Madison
Square Garden.

Oh, look at the itsy bitsy horn.

I didn't know he
started that young.

- Oh, wasn't he handsome?
- He was.

Of course, I still
think he is handsome.

- Oh, there it is! That must be it.
- What, what, what?

Mr. Vallee said that he had the
most beautiful view in the whole world.

Oh, good grief! He
k*lled Smokey the Bear!

No, that's Mr. Vallee and
his famous raccoon coat.

Oh.

- Hi-h* everybody.
- Hello, Mr. Vallee.

I hope you'll forget the delay.

Oh, that's quite alright. We were
just looking at some of your mementos.

Oh yes, I wore that
coat in my first picture.

- Varsity hero!
- Varsity hero of '21.

- Yeah.
- The critics raved about my singing.

But wasn't that a silent movie?

That's why the critics raved.

See, I don't have
a sense of humor.

- Oh, is that what they say?
- Yes, they do.

- Mrs. Carter, Kim.
- Yeah.

- I have something to say to
you that I think may upset you.
- What?

I don't think you need
to continue rehearsing

any longer because
I'm not going to sing.

Why not?

I've been going over those
modern songs, Octopus g*n, Mean

Mr. Mustard, Plug Your head
In. That's just not Rudy Vallee.

Oh, but you just can't
give up your career like that.

I don't plan to. I'm
just going to wait it out.

Wait it out?

Yes. How long can this
fad for rock music last?

Another 40 or 50 years and my
kind of music must come back in style.

But Mr. Vallee, in another 50
years, you might not be here.

Impossible my dear,
a legend lives forever.

- Hi-h* everybody.
- Hello Harry.

Well, I have the new Rudy Vallee
booked at the Hungry Hippie tomorrow night.

- Tomorrow night?
- Yup, it cost me almost a thousand
dollars so far but it's worth it.

Believe me, we're going to clean
up. We're going to make a fortune.

Harry. Harry.

At nine percent, I'll be
able to retire... what, what?

Harry.

Harry, Mr. Vallee says
he's not going to sing.

He's not??? Oh, he's not... oh!

Uncle Harry, what's the
matter? A pain in your heart?

No, in his checkbook.

Mr. Vallee, well maybe you ought
to try. What have you got to lose?

- Only my thousand dollars.
- Harry.

I just can't sing words like I'm climbing
into somebody's bathroom window

on Thursday with a
spoon in my mouth.

I couldn't possibly stand on the
stage all alone singing words like that.

- Well, would you feel better
if someone sang with you?
- I'd need all the help I can get.

Okay, I'll sing with you.

- Mother, you can't even carry a tune.
- Yes, I can. Be quiet.

- Now, look, Mr. Vallee...
- Ah!

I'm sorry Harry, I'm sorry.

Now, look we'll take
one of your big hits like

Whiffenpoof and
we'll do it the kids' way.

Their way, you mean you're going
to rock and roll the Whiffenpoof?

I think it's a great idea.

- Do you really think it would work?
- Yes, I do Mr. Vallee.

It better or I've blown
a thousand bucks!

- Alright, I'll take a chance.
- Oh great!

Listen, we'll start
rehearsing right away.

- Now, Mr. Vallee— - Ahh!

Did you have to step
on the same foot?

Ladies and gentlemen, the Hungry
Hippies proudly presents, Mr. Rudy Vallee.

♪♪

[singing] To the tables down at
Morey's, to the place where Louie dwells.

To the dear old Temple
Bar we loved so well.

Seeing the Whiffenpoofs assembled
with their glasses raised on high

and the magic of their
singing casts its spell.

We're poor little lambs
who have lost our way.

Baa, baa, baa.

We're little black sheep
who have gone astray.

Baa, baa, baa.

Gentlemen songsters
off on a spree.

Doomed from here to eternity.

God, have mercy on such as we.

Baa, baa, baa.

Music like that
today is all through.

We're going to toss
it out 23 skeedoo.

You gotta be funky,
scream and shout.

If you want to be
cool, let it all hang out.

We changed our
Rudy, everybody Hi-h*.

Meet new Rudy Vallee
and on with the show.

[singing] At the drive-in known as
Morey's to the path where Louie dwells.

To the groovy temple
square we dig so well.

All the Whiffenpoofs will rumble
with their amps all turned up high

and the wailing of their
protests cast its spell.

We are hip little cats,
who have grooved our way.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Hip little cats who
have grooved today,

yeah, yeah, yeah!

Long-haired scholars
off on a spree,

playing our songs
electronically.

Computers have
mercy on such as we.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Let the sunshine. Let’s
hear it! Let the sunshine in.

Let the sun. Let's hear it! Let
the sunshine! Everybody now!

Let the sunshine, let the
sunshine, let the sunshine in.

Let the sunshine, let the
sunshine in. The sunshine in.

Winchester Cathedral,
you're bringing me down.

You stood and you
watched as my baby left town.

You could have done
something but you didn't try.

You just did nothing,
you let her walk by.

Long-haired scholars off
on a spree. Yeah, yeah,

playing our music
electronically. Go, go, go.

Computers have
mercy on such as we.

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah!

Dodeeyododo.