03x13 - Lucy Loses Her Cool

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz, and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Craig, I'm trying to make out
the shopping list for dinner tonight.

What would you rather have,
hamburger, chicken, or fish?

Okay.

Craig, pay a little
attention to me.

I'm busy.

Well, what are you doing?

My Biology homework.

Biology? You're reading Playboy!

Yeah, that's right. We're
having a test on Anatomy.

Kim, honey, help me
make a decision will you?

Which you like the best,

the beige or the brown gloves,
the beige shoes or the brown boot,

or the button or
the dangler earring?

- Beige boot and danglers.
- Okay.

Craig, how do I look?

[cat call] Out of this world.

You didn't even look at
me. What are you doing?

Oh, Craig, I'm
surprised at you...

I am going to ask Uncle
Harry to have a talk with you.

Where did you get this magazine?

From Uncle Harry.

Hey, mom, where are you going?

I told you I'm going to the Art
Linkletter show. How do I look?

Okay.

Just okay?

Well, you're only going to be on the
audience, aren't you, not on the show.

Well, sometimes they televise shots
of the audience. I want to look my best.

Honey, I think I'm going to wear the
button earrings instead of the danglers.

Oh, but mom, I
like the danglers.

Yeah, so do it but I
better wear the button.

Why?

Well, I just remembered
the last time that Vivienne

was out here, she let
me have the danglers.

I borrowed them from her and if she
sees them on TV, she'll want them back.

Oh, I got to finish
dressing. See you.

Okay, see you later.

- Mom?
- Yeah?

Can I have my magazine
back? I haven't finished it yet.

- You can finish it later.
- Later?

Yeah, about 10 years later.

Gee, Lucy, I'm glad we got
here early. These are good seats.

Yeah, Mary Jane, I want
to thank you for inviting me.

I have been trying to get
tickets to this show for just ages.

It's very tough, you know.

Well, it's only tough if
you don't know someone.

Art Linkletter and
I are just like that.

- You know him?
- Oh, yes, very well.

My aunt's brother-in-law's
sister's son's girlfriend

has a cleaning girl who
comes in Tuesday and Thursday

but on Monday, Wednesday and Friday,
she works for Mr. Linkletter's secretary.

You are kidding.

- We are just like that.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.

[announcer] And now, ladies
and gentlemen, Art Linkletter!

Hey, you're a good group, good
group. Thank you very much.

Now, we're going to start
the proceedings by going

into the audience and
meeting some of guests.

Well. hello there. This
is a good looking group.

- What's your name?
- Mrs. Carol Caroll.

- And where do you live?
- I'm from Wallhala Wallhala.

Really, really?

For goodness sakes.

Say, we have a very
attractive young lady here.

Ah!!!

- Would you please stand up?
- Me?

- Yeah, you do stand, don't you?
- Oh, yes, I do.

Now, what's your name?

- My name?
- Yes, it usually comes in two parts.

Oh, don't tell me...
Carter, Lucille Carter.

You got it! That's right but
it doesn't win you anything.

Oh!

Would you come with me?

What do you have in mind?

- I mean how far?
- Well right down here.

- Now, Lucille?
- Yes, sir?

You're on television. See
those cameras out there?

Oh yes.

Millions of people are watching.

- Are you nervous?
- Oh no, ma'am... I mean no, sir.

Good. Well, now that
you're on television, I

want to know what you
got to say to the world.

This is your chance.

Oh.

Hi, Vivienne!

Vivienne? Who's Vivienne?

Oh, she's my friend
who has the danglers.

She has? I thought
they had a cure for that.

- Now, Lucille. Calm down.
- Yes, sir?

- The reason I selected you from this entire
audience is because we're going to do a stunt.
- Oh?

- And it's a stunt in
which we need a redhead.
- Yeah?

You a natural redhead?

Oh yes, I've been a natural
redhead for the past 15 years.

- About half your life.
- Oh, thank you.

You're a nice person.

What's the stunt?

- Well, as you know,
these are very tense times.
- Yes.

- People are edgy,
lose their tempers easily.
- Yeah.

Husbands fight with wives
and wives fight with husbands.

Well, I just heard of a pair of
marriage counselors getting a divorce.

Oh, that's very funny.

- You're a funny man.
- You're a nice person too.

- Now, these days, everybody is uptight.
- Yeah.

Motorists snarl at each other and
scream at pedestrians and vice versa.

- Bosses yell at secretaries.
- Oh, do they.

My boss is always yelling
at me. What's the stunt?

Oh, I have $500 here for you

if you can go for 24 hours
without once losing your temper.

And for a redhead,
that's something.

Remember, you mustn't
lose your temper no matter

what happens to you.
You think you can do it?

Oh, well yeah, but I know you.

I've been watching you
for years and you probably

arranged for complete
strangers to provoke me.

Oh, Lucille, do you think
I'm that kind of a man

who would do a low,
contemptible thing like that?

- Yes.
- You're right.

Now, Lucille, you're on your honor.
You mustn't tell anybody about the stunt.

- No I won't. No - Not one.

- If you lose your temper,
you lose the $500.
- I understand.

Okay, your time
starts right now.

- If you win, you come back right
here tomorrow and collect the money.
- Tomorrow?

Oh yeah, and by the way,
speaking of money, here's

$20 just to cover any
expenses you might incur.

Oh, thank you.

- Goodbye, Lucille.
- Goodbye.

- And good luck.
- Thank you.

Wave goodbye to the audience.

Folks it may not come
as a surprise to you but

Lucille has some
surprises in store for her.

And by the way, folks, all of you watching
in, don't give the gag away, will you?

And incidentally, it kind of
hurts me. Lucille owes me an

apology for accusing me of
planting strangers to provoke her.

We don't need strangers.

This is Lucille's daughter,
her son, and her brother.

Brother-in-law.

I wouldn't want anyone to
think we were blood relatives.

Also, the young lady
who helped me to plan this

whole trick, Lucille's best
friend, Mary Jane Lewis.

Mary Jane and I are very good
friends. In fact, we're like that.

Oh, I wish Lucy
was here to see this.

Now, do you two think you have
any difficulty aggravating your mother?

Oh, no sir. We're
teenagers. It comes naturally.

Do you think your mother will be upset
when she finds out you're in on the gag?

No, not mom, she's a good sport.

Well, it's a fun. That's the
main thing and remember,

if Lucille wins, she'll
get the $500 but if

any of you provoke
her to losing her temper,

you each get $250.

Oh boy, I hope we win.
I could use the money.

Gee, that's a change. Lucy
said you never use any before.

Well, then it's all set.

And I want to wish the
four of you good hunting.

Thank you, sir. Goodbye.

Oh, one more thing,

you can say anything
you want to make her mad,

but don't do
anything to hurt her.

Darn it, I knew there
was a catch to it.

Goodbye! Happy tormenting!

For heaven's sake, Craig,
didn't you see I was taking a nap?

Yeah, I saw, mom.

And you deliberately
banged on those drums.

Why didn't you wake me up first?

Well, I didn't want
to disturb you.

Oh, just forget those
drums. I want to relax.

- I'm going out for a little while, mom.
- Okay, doll.

- Hold it!
- Yes, mother?

- Where did you say you were going?
- Out.

In that dress?

What's wrong with it?

I think it looks great.

Well, you would.

I think it looks awful.

Well, maybe you're right, mom.

- I'll go upstairs and
shorten it a couple of inches.
- Shorten it!

You shorten that dress
any, you'll catch a chest cold.

- But mother...
- Kim, I don't want to
discuss it anymore.

Now, you go upstairs and lengthen
that dress at least three inches.

Mother, if I do that, I'll
be late for the meeting!

What meeting?

The protest meeting.

Protest meeting? What
are you protesting against?

What day is it?

Monday.

Monday, we protest
against parents.

Oh, now, mother,
don't get the wrong

impression. We don't
want to abolish parents.

- We think they're a necessary evil.
- A necessary evil?

Where do you
get ideas like that?

I'm glad Craig
doesn't feel that way.

I organized the protest.

What?

Well, that does it.

I don't know what's getting into you
kids these days but if you think that I...

If you lose your
temper, you lose $500.

Well, now, Kim, baby why don't you go
up and change your dress like a good girl

and then you can go
to your meeting, huh?

Oh well, okay, mom,
after I do the marketing.

- You're going to the market in that?
- Yes.

You go and change
into something decent.

- I'll do the marketing.
- Okay.

Oh boy, children!

I wonder what people without
children do for aggravation?

Did you take care of everything?

Yes. I briefed everyone on
what they're supposed to do.

You know, this is going to be
the easiest $250 we ever made.

We better separate. If Lucille sees
us together, she'll get suspicious.

Oh, yeah she knows
I can't stand you.

Woman driver?

Why don't you watch
where you're going?

- Why don't I watch where I'm going?
- I asked you first.

You hit me first.
It's your fault.

Now, just a cotton
picking minute, anytime...

If you lose your
temper, you lose $500.

Oh, you're
absolutely right, sir.

I'm just a clumsy klutz
and I'm terribly sorry.

Let me help you
here. I'm terribly sorry.

- Please forgive me.
- Alright, alright.

What are you
laughing at, you little...

Oh you little angel.

You have an adorable little boy.

He's nice. He's cute.

Why did you do that?

Well, accidents will happen.

Yes, but why do they
always happen to you?

Well, I'm very
sorry. I'll clean it up.

I wish, I wish you wouldn't.

I wish you'd just finish
shopping and go home, please!

Oh, okay.

- I'm terribly sorry, really I am.
- Alright, alright.

Now what are you doing, lady?

I'm squeezing the tomatoes
to see if they're ripe.

Ah, well if you're going to squeeze
them, why don't you really squeeze them?

There! Is that rip enough?

Why you, you...

Oh no, no, no, no. You're
not going to trap me.

Huh?

[singing] I'm not going to lose my
temper. I'm as sweet as I can be.

If I stay sweet until
tomorrow, I will be a richer me.

- Lucy!
- Oh hi, Mary Jane.

What happened?

Oh, the clerk accidentally
splashed a little tomato juice on me.

- Didn't it make you mad?
- No.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, you're the last person
I expected to see here.

- It's a small world.
- Yeah, it certainly is.

Well, listen, honey, as long as
you're here, would you do me a favor?

Anything, darling. That's
what friends are for.

- Well, I lost my keys.
- Really?

And I think I dropped
them in this basket.

- So, would you hold this stuff for me?
- Oh, sure, honey.

- What did you do buy out the store?
- Yeah, they got so may sales, you know.

- Yeah.
- I didn't want to miss anything.

- Now, these are eggs so be very careful.
- Okay darling.

Oh, I just remember, I
left my keys in the car.

Oh well, uh, Mary Jane?

Mary Jane?

Mary Jane?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Mary Jane?

Oh, look Not you again!

Look, I'm sorry.

Look, how much would
you charge to go across

the street and louse
up our competitor?

Well, you don't need
to get huffy about it.

Look I'll find my girlfriend and
we'll clean this all up for you.

You have a helper?
Oh, good heavens!

Mary Jane!

Mary Jane!

Okay, mister, how
do I earn that dollar?

Well, you remember the redheaded
lady you slipped on the banana peel?

- Yeah, she was funny.
- Yes, she was.

- Well, would you like to
see her be funny again?
- Sure!

Good. I'll tell you
what I want you to do.

When she comes back, I want you
to take this and squirt her in the face.

- Okay that sounds like fun!
- Oh, you bet it will be.

Here she comes.

And then the clerk
bumped into me and he

had the nerve to yell
at me. I was so upset.

- Well, did you lose your temper?
- No.

- I'm sorry about that.
- What?

- I'm sorry about that mess.
- Oh yeah. Come on.

- Oh, we'll clean it.
- Oh gee, I'm sorry about these eggs.

- Oh, look at this mess.
- Ugh!

Gee, I'm sorry.

- Oh, Mary Jane, look! Look at this.
- Oh, Lucy!

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I can't clean up all that.

Listen Mary Jane, I better get out of here
and go home before something else happens.

Well, I better go with you because
too much happens when you're alone.

Oh, thank you, darling. Like I
always say, you're a real friend.

Wait for me now.

- Yeah, you go first.
- Let me go first, yeah,
because I don't have so much.

- Oh, this mess.
- Well...

Oh no, not again!

I'm leaving.

Well, goody, goody gumdrop!

Never mind the sarcasm.
Please check off my items.

With pleasure.

- That's $2.65.
- Out of the 20?

$2.65 out of the...

Guard! Security!

Security guard!

Guard! Security!

Security! Officer!
Security! Guard!

- What happened? What happened?
- You know perfectly well what happened.

You gave me a
counterfeit $20 bill.

- I did what?
- You gave me this money
which is counterfeit.

It can't be that bill was
given to me by Art Linkletter.

I know. His picture is on it.

His picture? Let me see that?

Oh, he's a sneaky one.

Oh, the whole thing is a
gag. It's really very funny.

Yeah? Well, I'm not laughing.

Now, look, I can explain. I
am on Mr. Art Linkletter's show.

That's a likely story.

Well, if you don't believe
me, ask my girlfriend.

Go ahead and
tell her, Mary Jane.

Lady, I never saw
you before in my life.

You never saw me?
You are my best friend!

Sure I am.

Mary Jane, how
can you... oh, I know.

You're in on the gag.

- Now, look, Mary Jane.
- Will you please leave me alone, miss.

Mary Jane, this is serious!

- Will you please stop that.
- I mean it. Now, this is serious.

What are you talking about?

They're calling the cops for heaven
sake. Their getting me in trouble.

Will you get her out of here?

She's caused more trouble
than Mrs. O'Leary's cow!

Now, look fellas, look
fellas, it's only a joke.

Get your hands off me.

You're not taking me anywhere.

If you lose your
temper, you lose $500.

Oh, you can just take me
anywhere you want, fellas.

Ladies and gentlemen,
yesterday as a very special stunt.

We asked a lovely redhead
right out of our studio audience

to see if she can go for a whole
day without losing her temper.

Now, let's see if
she was successful.

Will you please come out
here, Mrs. Lucille Carter.

There she is.

- Welcome back, Lucille.
- Thank you, Mr. Linkletter.

And now, for the
big $500 question:

Did you lose your temper
since we last saw you?

- No, but believe me, it wasn't easy.
- Oh?

Did anything unusual happen?

You should know. You made
them happen, you and your stooges.

- We don't call them stooges.
- What do you call them?

On this show, we refer
to them as Link's Finks.

- Now, I'd like to have you meet them.
- Yeah, I'd like to meet them.

Come with me.

Would you come
out, fink... folks?

Harry!

- Yes, Lucille, I was in on it.
- Yeah, I should have suspected you.

You were a fink to start with.

Oh, I guess you were
in on it at the market.

Oh, no, not my own kids.
How did you draft them?

- We didn't draft them. The volunteered.
- Volunteered!?

Lucille, you've been
a great sport, really.

You kept your cool, you won and here
is your reward, 10 crisp new $50 bills!

Fifty dollar bills! Gee, I've
never seen a $50 bill before.

Oh, and it has president Grant's
picture on it instead of yours.

One, two, three, four,
not that I don't trust you...

- five, six, seven
eight— - Mrs. Carter?

Oh, you're the clerk
from the market.

- Yes, I am and I have something for you.
- What?

A bill for the damage
you did to the market.

It comes to $499.99.

Oh, here's your penny change.

Wait a minute! You
can't away with this.

- Lucille, watch your temper.
- For $500 yes, but not for a penny!

Come back here!

Come back here
and fight like a man!

Hold it, Lucille.
We're still on the air.

Come on back here.

Oh, after all I went through
and all I wind up was a penny.

Don't worry, Mrs. Carter, you're
going to get just what you deserve.

I am?

Of course.

Now, look, you already have the
cent and here's the rest of your $500,



You're a fink, Link.

But a nice fink.

Thank you.