03x17 - Lucy's Vacation

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here is Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr.

Good morning, dear little plant.

Ah, you must be thirsty.

Here we are.

Hup, don't drink too fast.
Remember your condition.

You're going to be a mommy.

Oh, my. Let me
take a look at you.

Oh, your all dusty.

My goodness.

Need a water, little
face, that's cute.

Oh, no!

- What happened?
- I think I've injured my prize orchid.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, ye-oh, I hope it isn't fatal.

You know, I'm expecting
its first blossom in six years.

Yeah. That's going
to be a big event.

May I take that
day off to celebrate?

That reminds me.

You realize that your lunch period today
lasted one hour, 45 minutes and 30 seconds.

- Harry, are you keeping a file on me?
- Indeed, I am. An attendance record.

And believe me, there
are no gold stars in it.

Keeping tabs on
me. That's not fair.

Fair, oh, fair, oh-h*-h*, oh. You
want to talk about fair, do you?

All righty.

Let's look at some of the excuses
you have given me for taking days off.

Now, these are in
your own handwriting.

"Dear, Harry. I won't be in tomorrow
because of Paul Revere's birthday."

Well, Paul Revere was a great
American, and I'm very patriotic.

Oh. How did I ever let
you get away with this one?

"Flag day, April 12th."

Flag day is June 14.

- Let me see that.
- There it is. In your own writing.

Well, I didn't say it
was our flag, did I?

All right. I take it all I'm
going to take. That is it.

From now on, you will spend an
eight-hour day, five days a week.

Now, I'm going to
my doctor's office.

- But, harry, why are you...?
- You heard me, you heard me.

No t*rd, no refreshment
breaks, no days off, and no vacation.

You promised me a vacation.

All right, Lucille. I am
a fair and just man.

- I will give you a vacation.
- When?

When Paul Revere invites
you to his next birthday party!

Would you like that? Would
you like to go there again?

Oh, a three-day weekend in
Palm Springs at your folks place.

Are you kidding? I'd love it.

Well, we can go provided
we get a chaperone.

My mom says count
her out this time.

Oh, no.

I don't understand mothers.

It's all right for their sons
to go without chaperones.

But their daughters,
that's a different story.

- Yeah. It doesn't seem fair.
- You're right.

Boy, when I have teenage
daughter going out on dates,

I'm going to remember the way
we used to behave and she...

Oh, she's definitely going
to have to have a chaperone.

Say, what if we told your
mother, we'd cool it this year,

that we'd make it a nice,
quiet, restful vacation?

Would you want a mother
dumb enough to swallow that?

Hey, I got it.

I'll give her the dutiful
daughter approach.

I'll tell her she looks tired and
overworked, and she needs a vacation.

Would you want a mother
dumb enough to swallow that?

No. But anyway
it's worth a try, right?

Oh, hey, Jan. It
sounds like mom's car.

- Look, I don't want her to see you here,
so go out the back way, all right?
- OK.

- I'll talk to you later.
- OK. Bye-bye.

- Hi, Kim.
- Hi, mom.

- Hey, you're home awfully late today.
- I know.

You're mean old uncle made
me stay until quitting time.

Oh.

Well, now, don't get all broken up
about it. He didn't put me in chains.

Oh, mom. Do you feel all right?

You look awfully tired.

- I feel fine.
- Oh.

Well, you know, mom,
no matter how good you

feel, you could always
use a little extra rest.

- I could?
- Yeah.

And, well, if you didn't want to go
alone, I wouldn't mind. I'd go with you.

Go where?

Well, let's see. What's
nice this time of year?

How about Palm Springs?

Palm Springs! Oh, mom,
whatever made you think of that?

Jan's mother called me.

Oh, mom.

Well, will you do it?
Will you chaperone us?

Listen, we'll do whatever you
want. We'll be good little girls.

- We'll go bitty bye whenever you say.
- Hm-hmm.

Look, you don't have
to con me. I'd love it.

Oh.

Being with you characters
makes me feel young,

- but there's only one thing I have to do.
- What?

I have to get fired first.

Fired? Why do you
have to get fired?

Well, your Uncle Harry is on the w*r
path, and I ain't about to get no time off.

Oh. But isn't getting
fired a little drastic?

No. How many times has
Harry fired me? Five, six?

Fourteen.

Fourteen.

Well, the point is every
time he fires me, his

conscience bothers him,
and he has to hire me back.

So, I'll just have to get him to fire me
again, and then we can go to Palm Springs.

Oh, mom, you're a doll.

Now, the first thing I'll do is come in
about one hour late tomorrow morning.

No, no, that won't
work. He won't be there.

- He's got to go to his doctor again.
- Oh, really? What's wrong with him?

I don't know. He never tells me.
He just keeps going to the doctors.

Well, anyway, mom, he's
used to you coming in late.

Isn't there some other way
you can get him to sack you?

- Yeah, you're right. I'm going to
have to goof up some other way.
- How?

I don't know, but don't
you worry about it.

When you've been fired 14
times, you sort of develop a knack.

Ms. Murdock, will you send
in the next patient, please.

Good morning, Mr. Carter.

Mr. Carter, you've been
coming here for many weeks now.

Why is it you never greet
me with hello, good morning,

glad to see you, how are you
feeling, something like that?

At $50 an hour, I don't
believe in small talk.

Well, Mr. Carter, I
have good news for you.

After evaluating our notes,
I believe I have pinpointed

the cause of your feelings
of frustration and persecution.

Well, I hope so.

However, to give
ammunition to my conclusions,

I should like to try a
simple little experiment.

Go right ahead,
doctor, go right ahead.

Now, just close
your eyes and relax.

Picture yourself in
peaceful surroundings.

A Sylvan Glen at sunset.

You're beside the quiet
waters of a placid mountain lake.

All about you is
calm and serene.

- Are you relaxed?
- Hmm.

Mr. Carter, now, about
your sister-in-law, Lucille...

No, no!

I thought so. There's
no doubt about it.

You're sister-in-law is the
root of all your problems.

You, you don't need all those
medical diplomas to tell me that.

I know that and I can't
even cure a hang nail.

Lie, down, relax, shhh.

In my going over our
notes, I find that you have

made several references
to your sister-in-law.

But I'd like you to tell me all the
things she does that upset you.

All the things she does? Ha-ha.

At $50 an hour, even Howard
Hughes couldn't afford that.

Oh, doctor.

I can't begin to tell you
all the things she's done.

There was the time when
she had me in this and I was all,

oh, worse even before that. It
was much, much, much worse.

There she was and I walked down.
And then she was... and the wall.

And after that, she had
this ring stuck on her.

And then in anger, I was put
in jail because... hu-hu-hu-hu.

Are you feeling better?

[Mumbling]

Perhaps, Mr. Carter, then
we must try another approach.

You know, love is
very akin to hate.

Has it ever occurred to
you that subconsciously

you might be in love
with your sister-in-law?

- May I ask you something?
- Yes, of course.

Who's your psychiatrist?

I was merely trying to probe
your relationship with her.

Well, you better
get your prober fixed.

All right, Mr. Carter.

With your cooperation then, I
should like to try another experiment.

- Oh, go ahead, go ahead. Go, go.
- All right.

For the next few days, do not under
any circumstances become upset with her.

No matter what she
does, do not criticize.

- Instead, I want you to be kind to her.
- Be kind?

- Be nice.
- Nice?

- Be sympathetic.
- Sympathetic?

- Encourage her.
- Encourage?

- Praise her.
- Praise her?

- Let her know that you really like her.
- Like her?

- Do you understand?
- Yes.

It is necessary for at least
one week that you act that way.

- Eh, for one week?
- Yes.

Hmph. All right.

I'll, I'll try, doctor.

Good. That will be all
for today, Mr. Carter.

Oh, doctor, if I can
act as though she isn't

bugging me, I wish
you'd do me a favor.

Yes, of course.

Instead of sending me
a bill, send me an Oscar.

[phone rings] Ooh,
I'll be right back.

Carter's Employment
Agency. Oh, hi, Kim.

Sure, I'm still working here.

He hasn't come back
from the doctors yet.

Yeah, yeah. He'll flip
when he sees that orchid.

Now, look, this
shouldn't take long.

Why don't you meet me in the
luncheonette in about an hour.

We'll celebrate
my getting fired.

OK. See you then.

- Good morning, Lucille.
- Good morning, Harry.

How is your doctor's
appointment?

Very interesting.

You know, Harry, you never have
told me what's been bothering you?

The thing that has been bothering
me is a big pain in my... neck.

No.

Wooh, it's happened.
It's happened.

After six years, it's blossomed.

I'm a father.

Congratulations.
Happy Father's Day.

Oh, thank you.

Isn't it beautiful?

- Oh, it sure is.
- Oh.

Oh, do you know where it
will be even more beautiful?

On me.

Harry, would you
like to pin it on me?

Oh, boy, would I
like it to pin it on you.

Oh, my gosh! Oh,
what have I done?

It's you. You have
filched my flower.

Oh, dear. And you've been waiting
for it to blossom for six long years.

And silly me comes
along and just breaks it off.

Oh, Harry, whatever you do to
me even if you fire me, I deserve it.

[Harry's thoughts] Be
nice to her. Be kind.

Be sympathetic.
Encourage her. Praise her.

I'm glad you picked it.

You are.

Yes.

A pretty flower goes
with a pretty lady.

And you are a pretty lady.

I am?

Indeed, you am... are...
eh... ah, let's get to work.

Ah, Lu-Lucille, were there,
we're there any calls this morning?

Calls? Well, I really
wouldn't know, Harry.

I only got here a
minute before you did.

- Yeah... as late as that?
- Yeah, real late.

Yo-oh-oh-ooh.

Well, then how would you
know if there were any calls.

It was very unfair
of me to ask you.

Yeah.

Oh, uhm, Lucille, I would like
to do a little dictating please.

Oh, well, uhm, can we make
it some other time, Harry.

Some other time?

Some uh, well, you let me know
when you're feeling in the mood to work.

Yeah. Well, it's not
that I mind working.

It's just that I'm not in the mood to
take any of your dictation right now.

Well, then, we won't do any
nasty old dictating. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, now, Lucille, could I bother you
to bring me the Rylander file please.

- Rylander file?
- That's Rylander, yes, please.

OK.

Oh, nice.

Thank you.

Oh, uh-oh-oh, I'm afraid
you misunderstood, Lucille.

This is the Mojer file. I
asked for the Rylander.

- You sure that this the Mojer?
- Oh, yes, this is the Mojer.

How can you tell?

I can tell because I can read.

Well, you can't have time
to read everything in this.

- Well, that's what they all did.
- What do you mean all?

- How can you tell?
- Mojer there, Mojer here. Mojer there.

Oh, honestly. I think I'm going to
have to change my filing system.

- Rylander, you say?
- Right. That's the one. Rylander, yes.

Well.

You sure we have
a file on Rylander?

I don't know.

Are, are you having
trouble finding it?

Yeah. You know something,
Harry. I may never find it.

Oh, you [mumbling]

Doesn't, doesn't it make you
mad that I haven't found it?

Ooh, why, why, why should it make
me mad? You're looking for it, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm looking for it, Harry.

- Lu-Lu-Lucille?
- Yeah?

Why don't you, why don't
you take a coffee break?

Relax. How about lunch?

An early lunch.
Wouldn't that be nice?

I'll, I'll find the Rylander file even if
I have to use the vacuum cleaner.

Why don't you go
to lunch. Yeah, yeah.

Go, go ahead. Take
all the time you want.

Just relax. You've been working
much, much, much too hard.

Yes, you have. Go, go.

Enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself.

Order lots of food.
Seven of courses.

Harrison Carter speaking. Would
you connect me with the doctor, please.

Hello, doctor.

Help!

Honey, I just can't
believe it. It's eerie.

It's weird. That's what it is.

Well, pull yourself
together, mom.

Well, I don't understand
it. All those crazy

things I did didn't
faze harry one bit.

Maybe I'm losing my touch.

Well then, you're just going to have to
think of something a little more drastic.

- Now, let's give it a little thought.
- Drastic.

- Oh.
- Wha-wha-what?

- You know how he likes me to dress
conservatively around the office?
- Yeah.

Maybe I can get in to some kind of a
cookie outfit that would really bug him.

Well, now, you got a problem.
What's considered cookie these days?

- Yeah, it'll be tough.
- Hm-hmm.

- But I have a feeling I'll come through with
something that will be very upsetting.
- You probably will.

- Shall we go?
- Yes.

You see. You
haven't lost your touch.

Oh, that's right.
Thank you, thank you.

Mr. Carter, this is all
highly irregular. I, I can't...

Now, now, doctor, please,
please, please stay in there.

Please, I told you, you've
got to see her to believe her.

And even when you see
her, you won't believe it.

I know, but spying on her
from a closet, I, I, I don't...

Doc, doc, doc, she'll
be here in any minute.

- Please, bear with me;
bear with me just for a little while.
- Oh, very well.

- But I don't like it.
- Well, just, just, just a little while.

Hi, Harry.

Isn't it a little early
for trick or treat?

You mean, you
don't like my outfit?

Well, let me put it this way.

It's odd.

It's weird.

It's crazy.

But it's you.

I just thought I'll
give the office a lift.

Well, how about giving me
a lift to a pad and a pencil?

I'd like to dictate
some letters, please.

For heaven's sake,
don't you think of

anything else in this
office besides business?

- Well, I do have my little
idiosyncrasies, don't I?
- Sure do.

Yeah. Where are those
letters I wanted to add?

Oh, there it is. They're
all set aside. Here we are.

And, now then, Lucille, I
want all of these to be taken...

[firecrackers popping] Aah!

What was that?

A lot of firecrackers.

Why firecrackers?

Well, in China, this
is the year of the dog.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

And I'm celebrating
National Pekingese week.

Of course, how stupid of me.

How could I have forgotten
National Pekingese week.

Remind me to take
a puppy to lunch.

Window cleaner!

- Oh, hello, Mr. Hilliard.
- Hello.

- Excuse me.
- Oh, go ahead, go ahead.

- Oh, Harry.
- Huh, what’s the matter?

I just notice something, you have
a big smudge on your glasses.

Ah-ah-ah.

Hold still now, hold still.

Oh, I messed up your mustache.

There we are. Let's
clean the little tooffies.

Oh, for heaven's sake,
you know something?

That smudge wasn't on
your glasses. It's on your face.

- There we are.
- Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Enough of this nonsense.
What are you doing to him?

- Who are you?
- I'm Dr. Saunder Cuttingham.

My psychiatrist.

- Your psychiatrist?
- Yes.

I told him all about you,
and he wouldn't believe it.

I saw it and I still
don't believe it.

You see, I told you, I told you.

I told you that and you said
you wanted me to be nice to her.

- She's driving me bananas.
- No, no, no.

Yes, she is. I'm going bananas.

- Now, Harry, Harry.
- Take your hands off my patient.

Yeah.

I'll tell you this much.

You and your sister-in-law have
got to arrange to be apart for a while.

I want you to go away
for at least a week.

You... go away? Where?

Well, Palm Springs is
very nice this time of year.

- You mean you want me to go away for a whole
week and leave her in-charge of this office?
- Yes, yes.

No, siree-bob.

Isn't that enough that she's ruining
my health without ruining my business.

No. I stay here.

She goes to Palm Springs.

Me?

You. You're the one who's
causing all the trouble.

- Why should I be driven away?
- Well...

Go, go, go, go, go.
Don't, well, well, well...

Oh, well, if you insist
on giving me a week off.

With you away, I'm
giving myself a week off.

- At least, I'll have the peace and quiet.
- Yeah. OK, OK.

OK. Oh, oh.

Here drink this.

[firecracker popping]

Not you too. No, don't
give me that hanky.

- I pay you fifty dollars an hour
and you do this to me.
- Never mind that. No, no, no, no.