03x22 - Lucy and Carol Burnett

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here is Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr.

Honestly. Of all the contemptible,
it's worse than contemptible.

It's mean. It's mean and
nasty. That's what it is.

Mean and nasty.

Mother, you're wearing
a track in the rug.

Yeah, well.

- There's no reason for you to be so upset
just because Uncle Harry fired you.
- Yeah, sure, sure.

- Mother, will you calm down?
- I am calm, I am calm.

And in the future, you will
not refer to him as Uncle Harry.

From now on, he'll
be known as That Fink.

Mother, don't worry.
You'll get another job.

And if you don't get jobs,
Craig and I will get jobs.

We'll take care of
you in your old age.

Listen, if anybody works in
this family, it's going to be me.

Hey, mom, if you're out of a job,
you're entitled unemployment insurance.

Unemployment insurance?

Hey, you're right. I
never thought of that.

Yeah.

And in California, you can
get as much as $65 a week.

- $65?
- Uh-hmm.

Wowee!

- Who are you calling?
- That Fink.

I'm going to thank him for
firing me and getting me a raise.

Why, Carol. Carol Krausemeyer.

Lucy. Oh, it's great to see you.

Well, what are you doing
at the unemployment office?

Oh, I was just on my way
over to see my stockbroker, and

I thought I'd drop by to
see how the other half lives.

What do you think I'm
doing here? I got fired.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Gee. Hey, you know, I've never
filled one of these things out before.

- Well, let's do it together.
- Alright.

Let's see now. First,
we just print our names.

- That's easy. Lucille Carter.
- Carol Krausemeyer.

What's next?

"Year you were born."

Let's quit while we're ahead.

Oh, come on. It's only us.

- How old are you?
- Hmm. I'd rather not.

After all I'm in show
business, and we movie

actresses don't like
to reveal our true age.

Oh, I thought you
we're just a secretary.

I, I never knew you
were an actress.

Well, you know, Carol Krausemeyer
isn't my professional name.

You're kidding. What is
your professional name?

Raquel Welch.

OK. So somebody let the air out.

Now, what do we
do with these things?

Oh, we take them over there.

- Here you are.
- Aah.

You did it, you did it.

- What?
- What did we did?

You stepped over the white
line before it was your turn.

Now, toe the line.

No, no, no. Line
up single breasted.

What are you some
kind of wise guy?

Good heavens.

Stop wasting my time and
give me your applications.

Right there.

Well, I might have known all this
fuss. You haven't completed them.

You have to answer every question
down to the itsiest bitsiest detail.

OK, OK.

I hope you're next upside down
cake comes out right side up.

- Hi, fellas!
- Hi, Carol.

Hey, Lucy. This
is the High Hatters.

Clarence and Bernard.
This is my friend, Lucy Carter.

Hello, fellas.

♪♪

Oh, gee. That's wonderful.

It's a shame that talented
people like these are out of work.

Well, they're not the only one.

This is Chuck Walters.
He's a fantastic singer.

Hi, Chuck.

And behind you that's
Nick. Great comic.

Oh. And right there
two great acrobats.

- Well, hi, fellas.
- Hey.

- Gee, there's enough
talent here to put on a show.
- Lucy!

That's a sensational idea.

- Hey, we can all put on a show, and we
can earn enough bread to buy bread.
- Yeah.

I got a great idea for
the name of the show.

- The Hollywood Unemployment Folly?
- Yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Now, get back in
line. Back, back, back.

Oh, what's the matter with
you? Relax. Enjoy yourself.

Let your hair down.

You, I'm going to remember
every time you come in here.

Well, this is the first and the
last time you are going to see me.

- We are putting on a show.
- Yeah.

That's right. Kids, as soon as
you get your unemployment checks.

- Everybody over to my
place and we'll rehearse.
- Yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

You have a writer
and a director.

- Do we have a writer and a director?
- Not yet.

Oh. Yeah, you can't
do a show without them.

You know, he's right. Where are we
going to get a writer and a director?

Right here and both
of us work cheap.

You're hired.

Whoopee.

I'm free, free, free!

Governor Reagan, I quit.
You can keep your old job.

I'm back in show business.
Ronnie, don't you wish you were?

Here are your unemployment
checks. Follow me. Onward

Excuse me, sir, but we're
putting on a show, and...

Would you like to be in it?

- What?
- Would you like to be in our show?

- Well. First I want to collect
my unemployment insurance.
- Oh.

- Then I have to go
collect my social security.
- Oh.

Then I have an appointment with Medicare,
see, but thanks. Thanks just the same.

I wish I could walk like that.

What's all this, Carol?

Well, they pulled our unemployment
checks, so we could rent an auditorium.

- Oh, great.
- Not, Evan.

- No. No.
- We don't have enough.

Hi, Curly.

- Lucy, besides the auditorium we got to have
costumes and lights and scenery.
- Oh, yeah.

- Listen, why don't I take the whole g*ng
out and see if we can raise more money.
- Good idea.

Listen, while you're out, see if
you can find some more food, will ya.

Everybody ate us out
of house and home.

Ok. Come on, g*ng. We're going
to go out and raise more money.

- Oh, good heavens.
- What?

My boss.

I wonder what he wants.

Hey, Lucy, do you think maybe we
could get him to invest in our show.

Oh, are you kidding? You couldn't squeeze
a dollar out of Harry with a duck press.

Wait a minute. Let
me work on him.

Men have never been able
to resist me. Just let me at him.

Lucille, I want to talk to you.

You left my files in such
a mess, I can't find a thing.

- Oh, too bad, Harry.
- Well...

Hi.

Tall, dark, and loaded.

Listen, we're, ah, we're putting
a show and we need a backer.

Do you think you'd care
to invest, Mr. Carter?

Or should I call you Harry?

No, I would not like to invest.

And Mr. Carter will be fine.

Whatever you say, Mr. Carter.

Madam, I don't
know what you have,

but I hope they
find a cure for it.

You know, you're really
cute, Cary. Ha-ha-ha.

It's Harry.

Oh. Sorry. That's an honest mistake.
You look so much like Cary Grant.

Thank you.

So do you.

[growling] Come here, big daddy.

Now, listen to me, baby.

If you don't invest in our show, there's
plenty more where that came from.

I got a big mouth.

I, I give up, I
give up, I give up.

Oh, I give up.

Oh, yeah. How much do you need?

- $500.
- $500!

- That's ridiculous.
- [growling] Harry!

Ooh, all right, all right. I surrender,
ooh, I surrender, I surrender.

- Just write your check, Harry.
- I'll write a check. Oh.

- Oh, yeah, on one condition.
- What's that?

That I appear in the show.

Oh, Harry, you don't
have enough talent.

- Are you in the show?
- Yes.

I have enough talent.

Good evening and welcome to
the Hollywood Unemployment Folly.

Or, How To Starve In
Showbiz Without Really Trying.

[singing] Hooray for Hollywood.

That's mighty gridey
fighty Hollywood.

Where any dreamy guy with
just a guitar can be a big star.

And really live like a king.

Where all those hippies at sunset strippies
claim that their just doing their thing.

Remember Hollywood.

Where sex was dirty
and the air was good.

And such a giant star like
Henry Fonda begins to wonder

how Jane and Peter made good.

We're here to have some
laughs. No time for autographs.

Hooray for Hollywood.

- Oh, gee.
- Oh, wow.

- Look at this.
- A real Hollywood sound stage.

Yeah, this is where
it all happened.

Boy, if these walls could talk.

If these walls could talk,
you'd be too young to listen.

- Oh, look, Humphrey Bogart.
- Oh.

Oh, what a man.

Yeah, when he whistled
[whistling]. You ran.

Yeah, you bet.

Oh, Jean Harlow.

Wasn't she something?

- Boy, in those days, she sure could tell
the difference between women and men.
- Yeah.

- Jimmy Cagney.
- Oh, oh, Jimmy Cagney.

I'd seen him on the late show.

"Oh, you dirty rat. Oh, oh."

That's good, that's good.

- You know, I feel kind of
sorry for him, though.
- Why?

Well, one week I saw him get the
electric chair five nights in a row.

Ha-ha-ha, I know it.

Oh, Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh, and this
is what they wore in Gone With The Wind.

"Hi, you, red. Hi, baby.

This is your little only
magnolia blossom, Scarlett.

Oh, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me."

Hey, remember this.

"Oh, please, Ms. Scarlett,
please. I can't help it.

I don't know nothing
about birthin' babies.

No, I don't, Ms. Scarlett."

- That was Butterfly McQueen.
- Sounded more like Steve.

Oh, mom, look.

- Look, the dress Judy Garland
wore in the Wizard of Oz.
- And the little red shoe.

Hey, you remember
the munchkin people?

"Follow the yellow brick road."

"Follow the yellow brick road,
follow the yellow brick road."

[singing] We're up to see the
wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.

We're off to see the wizard,
the wonderful wizard of Oz...

Hey! Oh, wait a minute.

Costumes worn by Betty
Grable and Alice Faye.

- Boy, they were the biggest in their day.
- Yeah. Weren't they wonderful?

[singing] My kind
of town Chicago is.

Chicago, Chicago, Chicago.

Chicago, Chicago,
the tuttle'n town.

Chicago, Chicago,
I'll show you around.

Believe me, bet your bottom dollar.
You lose your blues in Chicago, Chicago.

A town that Billy Sunday
could not shut down.

On State Street that braid
street, I just want to say.

They do things they
don't do on Broadway.

Say, I have the time,
the time of my life.

I saw our man. He
danced with his wife.

In Chicago, Chicago,
my hometown.

♪♪

Come on in here.
Come on in here.

Alexander's rag time band.

Come on in here,
come on in here.

It's the best and in the land.

They can play the bugle call
like you never heard before.

So natural that you
want to go to w*r.

It's just the bestest band
what am, honey land.

Come on along, come on along.

Let me take you by the hand.

Up to the man, up to the man
who's the leader of the band.

And if you want to hear, that
Suwannee River played in rag time.

Come on in here, come on in
here, Alexander's rag time band.

Hey, look what I
found back there.

This is the derby worn by
the one and only Bill Robinson.

Oh, that fabulous
dancer, Bojangles.

I can hear his taps now.

[singing] Asks anyone up Harlem
way who that guy, Bojangles, is.

They may not know
who's president.

But ask them who Bojangles is.

He's in the most entrancing business,
in what they called the dancing business.

When there's a beat up on the street,
brother you go, bet all your dough.

Sister, you know,
there ain't no one but Bo.

Mr. Bojangles of Harlem.

[singing] Give us some
men who are stout-hearted

men who will fight for
the right they adore.

Start us with 10 who are stout-hearted men
and we'll soon give you 10 thousand more.

Oh, shoulder to shoulder and bolder and
bolder, they grow as they go to the fore.

When stout-hearted men
they stick together man to man.

[singing] Oh, when I call in you,
hoo-woo-woo-woo, hoo-woo-woo.

I will answer Too-woo-woo-woo.

And when we will know
our love will come true.

He'll belong to me.

I belong to you.

We belong to...

We...

[singing] Falling in love
again, never wanted to.

What am I to do?

Can't help it.

Love's always been my game.

Play it how I may.

I was made that way.

Can't help it.

Men cluster to me like
moth around the flame.

And if their wings burn
I know I'm not to blame.

Falling in love again,
never wanted to.

What am I to do?

Can't help it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ms. Ruby Keeler.

[singing] To Niagara
in a sleeper, there's no

honeymoon that's cheaper
and the train goes slow.

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

Off we're going to shuffle,
shuffle off to Buffalo.

Someday, the
stork will pay a visit.

And leave a little souvenir.

Oh, just a little
cute, what is it?

But we'll discuss
that later, dear.

For a little silver
quarter, we can have

the Pullman porter
turn the lights down low.

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

Off we're going to shuffle,
shuffle off to Buffalo.

♪♪

[lightning strikes]

You shouldn't be dancing.
You should be singing.

Singing in the rain?

I thought she'd never say it.

♪♪

[singing] We're singing in
the rain, just singing in the rain.

What a glorious feeling
being working again.

We'll walk down the
lane with a happy refrain.

We're working and
singing in the rain.