03x23 - Lucy Goes Hawaiian: Part One

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here is Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr.

Ah, yes, sir. Yeah.

Well, that's rather short notice,
but I'll handle it for you, sir.

Yes. Thank you.
Goodbye, goodbye.

Ah.

- Good morning, Harry.
- Oh, good morning, Lucille.

- I just had a phone call from the manager
of the Matson Steamship Line - Oh?

- Yup. I've been trying to
get that account for years.
- Yeah. What do he want?

Well, they want to hire a cruise director
for the Lurlene on its next trip to Hawaii.

Oh, me, me for the job,
Harry. Me, me, take me.

Hold on. You wouldn't
pass the physical.

- No, they want a man.
- Oh.

And not just any
ordinary man, though.

- Now this man will have to
have special qualifications.
- Oh.

Yeah, yes. You have to
be charming, sophisticated,

intelligent, likable, talented,
athletic, and handsome.

- Wow.
- Hmm.

A guy like that is
going to be hard to find.

That's sort of a combination of
Carey Grant and Albert Einstein

- and Joe Namath and Bob Hope.
- Yeah, yeah.

- I can only think of
one man who matches that description.
- Who's that?

Me.

You?

Yes, me, me.

Oh. And they also want
an assistant too. Female.

Ooh, me, me. Take me, Harry.

I can pass that
physical. I'm a female.

Lucille, don't be ridiculous. I have
to get someone who is competent.

Now, I'm going to go... yeah.

Harry, if you'll get
someone who is competent,

she'll you up and
make you look bad.

Now listen, you won't have
to pay me. I'll go for free.

Now, yeyey, you just said the
magic word. The job is yours.

Oh, how wonderful.

Yeah. We'll now have to
hurry. The boat sails tomorrow.

Oh. I can't to rush home
and tell Kim and Craig.

Yeah. Ah, hold
it, hold, hold it.

I forgot all about
Kim and Craig.

I cannot allow you to go
and leave them here alone.

Oh, Harry. How generous
of you to offer to take them.

The kids will be thrilled.

- I, I, I, I...
- They will never call you cheap again.

Where did I go wrong?

[Boat horn blowing]

Whe-where is she?
Where is your mother?

The ship is leaving.
Where is she? Where?

She's down the dock somewhere.

- She wants to take some pictures.
- Pictures, now? Oh, no.

It's my own fault. I never should have let
her talk me into taking them on this trip.

- U-Uh, there she is.
- Where, where, where, where?

- Ooh, I see her there, right there.
- Come on, mom.

Hurry up. [Boat horn blowing]

They're pulling
up the gangplank.

- She missed the boat.
- Oh, no, no.

Oh, Uncle Harry. What
are we going to do?

Don't expect me to do
anything. It's all her fault.

Hey, maybe she can fly to
Hawaii and meet us there.

Meet us in Hawaii?

She's supposed to be working
as my assistant on this cruise.

Now, I'll have to figure out some way to
tell the captain that she missed the boat.

[Boat horn blowing]

Of all the idiotic things to do, why
couldn't she take a picture on the ship?

Well, she wanted
a shot of us leaving.

Well, she got it.

Uncle Harry, look out!

What's the matter? Haven't you ever
seen anyone get aboard a ship before?

Let me through, let me through.

There's only person in the whole
world that would board a ship that way.

It's got to be...

Viv!

Lucy!

Oh, what a surprise.

Oh, am I glad to see you.

Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmm.

Oh, hello, Harry.

- Lucy?
- Who is it?

- It's me, Viv.
- Oh, hi.

Oh, hi, honey. I've
been looking for you.

Sit down. I want to talk to you.

No, I can't sit down.
I'm a working girl.

If he found me
relaxing, he'd k*ll me.

- Who'd k*ll you?
- Harry.

Harry. Don't mention his name.
I haven't had my Dramamine yet.

Yeah, the heck with him.
Boy, these things are heavy.

- Take the horses, will you?
- OK.

- Got them. Got it.
- Yeah.

- Take the stuff off the top.
- All right.

I want to sit down
for a few minutes.

- This stuff on the top there.
- This? This?

Good, heavens, girl.

Oh, boy. No wonder
you were staggering.

- I just can't get over this coincidence.
- What?

I picked the one ship
to take my vacation on

which my best friend
is the cruise director.

Yeah. Boy, was I
ever glad to see you.

- Is this your first cruise, Viv?
- Oh, no. I'd taken five of them.

- Five?
- Yeah, but this is my last one.

I've been looking for a
man, and I'm about to give up.

Same old Viv.

Are you still trying
to get married?

I've read about Orange
Blossom's so often I

sleep with a smudge
pot at the foot on my bed.

Well, what about you?

Yeah, I'm sending out a
few frost warnings of my own.

Are there any eligible
bachelors on board?

I don't know. I've
been too busy to look.

Oh, you know, it's getting
awful tough on us girls.

The men are either
too old or too married.

Of course, I'm not
looking for just anybody.

I'm particular.

So am I.

What kind of man
are you looking for?

Well... To start with,
he's got to be breathing.

Oh, you are particular.

All right. I'll keep
an eye open for you.

You keep both of them open.
I don't want to miss a thing.

Okay.

Listen, seriously, Viv. What
kind of man would you like?

You know, tall,
short, fat, thin.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Look, I'll make a deal with you.
- Yeah.

If I hear about any eligible bachelors
on board, I'll tell you about them, see,

and if you hear about
any, you tell me, OK?

- It's a deal.
- Good.

- Want to help me load up again?
- Yeah.

Good morning, ladies.
I'm Captain McClay.

Oh, Captain McClay.

Look, I'm Lucille Carter. I'm
the assistant cruise director.

Well, in that case, we'll be
seeing a lot of each other.

Oh, yes. Ha-ha-ha.

- Aren't you going to introduce me?
- Why?

Uhm, uhm, Captain McClay,
this is one of the passengers.

Ah, now, you were saying?

I'm Vivian Jones.
Ms. Vivian Jones.

Why, I'm pleased
to meet both of you.

I do hope you'll
enjoy the cruise.

Now, if you need anything
at all, feel free to call on me.

Likewise.

Easy girl.

Wow-wee.

Now, that's what I
call an attractive man.

And remember I saw him first.

We saw him at the same time.

May I remind you that I
am a paying passenger

on this ship, and you
are a mere employee.

But what about our
deal? That's not fair.

All is fair in love and
w*r and on the high sea.

How would you like
a trip to the moon?

Hey, you know, I haven't
seen mom since we sailed.

Yeah, I know. Uncle Harry has
been keeping her busy every minute.

You know, he's a tougher
boss at sea than he is on land.

Come on.

Craig, you're not
playing the game right.

You play your game,
and I play mine.

No, I'm sorry,
Lucy. I'm a stinker.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

- It was all my fault.
- No, Viv. Now, we were both guilty.

Imagine getting into an
argument over a man we just met.

Yes. Now, wasn't that silly?

And we've been friends
ever since we were kids.

And that's over
four, ah, 30 ah...

It's a long time ago.

Well, look, just forget it,
Viv. You are not a stinker.

You are the best
friend I ever had.

Oh, thanks.

And to show you that I am your friend,
I'm going to help you with your work today.

Oh, Viv, I can't
impose on you like that.

Oh, nonsense. That's
what friends are for.

Gee, you know something.
You're more than a friend.

Here you are a paying
passenger on this ship.

You're on your vacation.

Now, you are willing to help me with all
that stale work that Harry is making me do.

Viv, you really are a true...

Stinker.

- Enjoying yourself?
- Ah! Ha!

- Harry, you startled me.
- I meant to startle you.

You are supposed to be working.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm upset.

Oh. What's the matter?

- Vivian.
- Oh, the blonde blob from outer space.

- Well, what's she done now?
- She's making a play for the captain.

Well, that's her business.

Your business is keeping
the passengers busy.

- Yeah, but Harry...
- No buts, no buts.

To work. To work.

"To work. To
work." sl*ve driver.

- Hi, Craig.
- Hi.

Who was that?

I think it was my mother.

Oh, hi, mom!

I'm sorry, Lucille. I can't help it if
the captain finds me irresistible.

Irresistible? Hah.

Now, Lucille, don't be jealous just because
I have so much more to offer than you.

Oh, that you have, and
you've had it a lot longer.

I am not going to stand here
bickering with the hired help.

Why, Captain, what a surprise.

Hello, Mrs. Carter.

Imagine, running into
you on this ship. Ha-Ha.

It certainly is a small world.

Help!

- What was that?
- I didn't hear anything.

Help!

I didn't hear it again.

Captain, help!

Don't panic. I'll have
you out in a minute.

Oh, oh. Don't, don't
rush there's plenty of time.

Oh, oh.

Stand back, stand
back. Give her air.

Looks like she
swallowed a lot of water.

That's not water.
That's all her.

I better give her
artificial respiration.

Goofing off again?

Please, Harry, don't holler
at me. I don't feel good.

Oh, you seasick?

No. She's sick, that Vivian.

Harry, you got to help me. You
got to get Vivian interested in you.

Vivian interested in me?

- Absolutely no.
- Why not?

Because I know
exactly what will happen?

You'll get the captain to
fall in love with you, then

you'll marry him, and you'll
travel all over the world.

Yeah, well, what's
wrong with that?

Well, then I'd lose
you as my secretary.

Oh, I'll do it. I'll do it.

Oh, Harry. You're wonderful.

Let's not get sloppy about this.

Now, then, how do I go about getting Vivian
interested in me? She can't stand me.

Oh, I, I know she can't stand
you. She thinks you're a drip.

But she doesn't have
to know that it's you.

You know, Viv has always
been very impressed

with wealth and
in social positions.

So, all we have to do...

Well, if it isn't my little
old magnolia blossom.

- What?
- I have been admiring you from afar.

Is this little old chair taken?

Why, no.

Do you mind if I put my little
old rich body in this little old chair?

Oh, not at all. Please sit down.

Oh, thank you. Thank
you so much, you all.

Now, there, my name is
Colonel Heart Hamilton Heart.

- But you can call me Ham.
- Oh.

I'm Vivian Begonia Jones.

Delighted to meet
you, ma'am. He-he-he.

Well, you can call me
Ham and I'll call you Bag.

Oh, h*-h*. You do have
a sense of humor, Ham.

Well, when you got my kind of
money, you got a lot to laugh about.

- You're wealthy?
- Oh h*-h*, loaded, ma'am, loaded, yes.

You know I have a feeling we're
going to see a lot of each other.

Oh h*-h*, I certainly
do hope so, Hammy.

Just Ham is enough.

Oh, by the way.

I want to warn you about a certain redhead
that might try to take advantage of you.

A redhead?

Well, she was a redhead
when she got on board.

She may be a little
darker at the roots by now.

She is the assistant of that
fat, loud-mouthed cruise director.

Ah, I was going to ask you to do
me the honor to join me in a mint julep.

But I've been noticing that you and
the captain are kind of a... chummy.

Oh, h*-h*. There's
nothing to it, Colonel.

Just a schoolgirl flirtation.

Ooh, help me.

We'll, then, six
o'clock in the lounge.

Oh, you know, this makes me as
happy as a bull weasel in a bail of cotton.

Ugh. Oh.

Oh, it's you. Oh.

If this is your idea of a joke.

It wasn't my idea.

That's right. You're too stupid
to think of something like this.

I am, I am.

- Lucy, put you up to it.
- She did, she did.

I thought so.

Well, I'm going to
report you to the captain.

- Please, please not the captain.
- Yes I am.

Now, now, now, calm
down. Let's talk this over.

I'll do anything you want.

No, Harry. I am
going... anything?

- Anything at all.
- All righty.

Now, I want you to
keep Lucille busy every

minute so I can have
the captain all to myself.

Isn't that a little underhanded?

It sure is, Colonel.

You know, Vivian, it's a shame
that we don't like each other.

We have so much in common.

Thank you.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Carter.

Oh, oh, captain.

I, I wasn't resting. I was, I
was just, ah, testing the chair.

- I'm going right back to work.
- Oh, hold it.

Take it easy for a few minutes.

- Take it easy?
- Yes.

I've been watching you,
and I must say you're

doing a splendid job
entertaining the passengers.

- You really kept them amused.
- Oh, thank you.

Keep up the good work.

Oh, I will, I will.

By the way, I'm having c*ck
a little later on in my cabin.

Would you care to join me?

Oh, oh, oh, captain.
This is so sudden.

I'll need a little
time to think it over.

Yes.

Oh, good. Then I'll
see you at 7 o'clock.

Oh, thank you.

Lucille?

What?

At 7 o'clock, I want you
to run the bingo game.

- I can't.
- And why not?

At seven, I'm running a
bingo game of my own.

Lucy?

Oh.

What are you doing here?

Well, now, I hate to
tell you this, Viv, but the

captain has invited me
to have c*ck with him.

Well, he invited me, too.

- He did?
- Yes.

If he asked me for c*ck,
why would he ask you?

Well, probably because I'm charming,
beautiful, sophisticated, and witty.

Hmph! I asked one question.
I got four wrong answers.

Captain McClay.

Come in, ladies, come in.

- Well, I'm glad you both could make it.
- Yes, yes.

We both made it.

Mrs. Carter, Ms. Jones, I'd
like you to meet Mrs. McClay.

Mrs. McClay?

Oh, he's married.

- For over 20 years.
- Oh, really?
- Oh!

Won't you please make
yourselves comfortable?

I'm sorry I haven't had
the chance to meet you

sooner, but I haven't
been feeling very well,

and I've been
confined to my cabin.

Well, that must be
our other guest, dear.

Oh, ladies, I took the liberty of
asking a gentleman to join us.

- Oh, wonderful.
- This one's mine.

You want to bet.

- Good evening, captain.
- Oh, hello.

All right, Viv.
This one's yours.

I'll get some hors
d'oeuvres. Excuse me.

Good evening...

What would you like to drink?

Anything.

Go ahead, Viv.

Remember, this
is your last cruise.

Harry, I must say that you are the
handsomest bachelor on this ship.

Harry, I'm going to do
you a great big favor.

Yeah, wha-what kind of a favor?

I'm going to let you
take me to dinner tonight,

and tomorrow night,
and the night after that.

- And then when we get to Honolulu...
- Yuck!

Go on, Viv. Don't
let him get away.

Thanks for the party.

Harry! Harry!

Oh, Harry! Harry!

Help! Help! I can't swim!

Oh, he can't swim.

Well, this is the fine time
for him to discover that.

Well, he's all yours,
Viv. Go get him.

- Go on, go get him.
- Oh, oh, ah, ah.

Go on.

I don't want him.
I don't want him.

Well, he'll be glad to hear
that. Go down there and tell him.

[crowd clamoring]

Down there.

Right here. Move down.

Right down there.

Stand back. Stand back.

She's got him.
Good shot, good shot.

OK. Pull him up.
Pull him aboard.

Who is it? Does anybody know?

- Vivian Jones and Harry Carter.
- Ms. Jones and Mr. Carter?

Yeah, they were
just at a c*ck party.

Don't you worry about him.

She operates very well
in the water, remember?

What happened?

Well. You see, Harry is
the only eligible bachelor

on board, and she wasn't
about to let him get away.

You know, she was after you,
until she found out you were married.

Yeah-ha. Hey, you're
wife is very pretty.

- I think she is beautiful.
- Thank you.

You know, Vivian has
been on five cruises, and

she said this is going
to be her last cruise,

it's either now or never. And
she doesn't even like Harry.

Wow! He's heavy.

Yeah, she's no
Tinker Bell either.

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

Just my luck.

I'm wind up with the last
of the red hot mermaids.