04x03 - Lucy and Harry's Italian Bombshell

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Oh, hi Mr. Ferguson.
I'll take that.

- Oh, thank you very much.
- Okay.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Well, well you look at that!

We could've saved money
and shared Uncle Harry's lunch.

There's enough there for the
three of us plus the King family.

Scoff if you like but a hearty
appetite is indicative of good health.

It is also indicative
of a pot belly.

- Oh hey, Harry.
- Yeah?

You got a letter
here from Italy.

Hmm, must be from a
woman. It smells of perfume.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

After all these years!

Oh, I wonder, is it
too much to hope?

Oh, it couldn't be.

Well, it could be.

No! No! It couldn't be!

Well, maybe it could.

No, no, no it couldn't be.

Could be what? Open it!

Oh, yeah, open it.

I still don't think it could be.

I really don't think it's.

It is! It is!

What?

It's from Donna Colluci,
the only true love of my life.

Why Harry, you
never told us about her.

I met her during the w*r
when I was stationed in Italy.

Oh, what a story book romance.

She was my belladonna
and I was her dogface.

Oh, what did she say?

Oh, yeah!

"Caro mio Pepperoni."

She remembers my pet name.

Pepperoni? That's you?

Yeah.

I wonder if she remembers
the night that we...

That you what?

That you what!

Um, oh, nothing. Nothing.

"Si suona veramente,
veramente, veramete."

The whole thing
is written in Italian.

Oh, well Uncle Harry, you
want me to translate it for you?

I took a little bit
of Italian in school.

- Oh, would you, dear?
- Yeah sure!

Oh, thank you! Yes.

Uh, "After oh so many years,

I have no forgotten you
my brave soldier boy hero.

Harry, do you remember the
night you got me in trouble?"

Hey, hey, hey, you
should've bleeped that one.

Lucille, nothing
wrong ever happened.

Oh, Mom, Mom, he's
right. I didn't finish.

It says, "Do you remember
the night you got me in trouble

by keeping me out too late?"

You see. You see.
You see. You see.

Alright! Alright!

"My aunt has
finally forgiven you."

[Speaking Italian]

"Also my aunt looks much
better since she, since she,"

Well, she must be
talking about her uncle.

Why?

Because she says my aunt looks much
better since she shaved off her mustache.

No, that was her aunt alright.

Oh, her aunt sounds
more your type.

Lucy, will you...
Please continue, dear.

Ah, let's see.

"Last week in Sorento,

I see a Los Angeles newspaper
and see you advertisement

with you address.

Now for the big news!"

- What?
- What? What? What? What?

Uncle Harry, she's
coming to see you!

- To... to see me?
- When?

When? Where?

I don't know when!

It just says, "I'm making
the flying trip to America

to see my little Pepperoni."

And that's it, Peppi.

My Belladonna!

My Belladonna!

Well uh, arrivederci, pepperoni.

Harry, Harry, hello Harry!

What?

I think you better come
back from Sorento.

Oh, Lucille. She
was so beautiful.

I've never told this
to anyone before but,

Donna and I promised
to wait for each other.

Really?

This could be it. Wedding bells.

Harry after all this time.
It's more than 25 years.

Now look, don't build
yourself up to a big let down

in 25 years, she might
have changed a lot.

She could've grown ugly and fat.

Poppycock! Did I?

Well, maybe you're not ugly but

I do think the time has
come for a living girdle.

Well now, I'll admit that
I'm not the dashing figure

- that swept Donna off her feet.
- Yeah.

- Lucille?
- What?

You've got to help me.

Help you? How?

Well, I've got to
start a crash program;

strenuous exercise
and a strict diet.

You go on a strict diet?

Oh, please, please
Lucille. It's important to me.

- Alright, Harry.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.

And we'll start the
minute I finish my lunch.

Uh-uh, we'll start right now!

I will have the sandwich.

We'll give the rest
to a needy pot belly.

Coming, coming,
coming, coming, coming.

Hello! Your little
helpers are here.

Thank heavens.
I'm starving to death.

Well, Uncle Harry,
how are you doing?

Would you believe that I've lost
two and a half pounds since lunch?

Come on, on the table, Harry.

Oh no! Not that again.

No, that hurts!

- Oh, come on now, Harry!
- No!

- No! You hurt me when I'm on that.
- Come on, Harry.

Uncle Harry?

Here's a cookie.

Oh.

Come on, Uncle Harry.

- Get on the table, Uncle Harry.
- Let me have... let me...

Get on the table, Uncle Harry.

Up on the table, Uncle Harry.

- Anything you say. Yes.
- Up on the table.

No! Oh, yeah.

- Good boy.
- Yeah.

No.

It's for your own good.

Oh.

Ah!

[Humming Jingle Bells]

Hold your head down.

Hey!

Oh! Those heys.

Okay Harry, off the table.

Huh?

In two weeks
I'll get off of this.

Come on, come on.

Get on the bicycle.

- Oh bicycle. Oh, Lucille.
- Go on.

- I'm starving to death.
- Go on.

I'll fix your din-din, you
get back on the bicycle.

Come on Uncle Harry, she's gonna
give you dinner if you get on the bicycle.

Oh, oh.

Come on, get on! Get on. Get on.

Yeah, I'll get on. Oh!

You got a lot of mileage
to do, now get going!

Yeah, okay!

Oh!

I'm a! Is, is she gone?

Yeah, why?

Oh!

Uncle Harry!

You were supposed to
do twenty miles today.

Please, don't tell on
me, don't tell on me.

Well, I've got to
rest for a minute.

Well, alright, but we'll have
to do our Italian lessons.

Oh, yes. Anything at all.

Oh yes, I'd love to do a lesson.

- Okay, we'll pick up where we left off.
- Alright.

How do you say, "Good
morning" in Italian?

Ah, "buongiorno".

It's "buongiorno", Uncle Harry

- you know, figure like G's
are like J's, okay?
- Yeah.

How about, gorgeous?

"Gorgeouso".

"Splendida".

Oh, "Splendida", and
indeed she was "Splendida".

Oh, yes.

Huh... Ah!

Now listen Harry,

you were supposed
to be on that bicycle.

Well I will, I will.

Alright, now get up there.

Yeah!

Do you want your dinner?

Oh, dinner, dinner!

Where? Where's the,
where's the dinner?

Where? Where?

Right here. Right here.

Right here.

That's dinner?

It's a food concentrate.

I'm concentrating. I
still can't see any food.

Eat it.

Eat it!

Come on now, chew it up,
chew it up, chew it up, chew it up,

chew it up.

Swallow it.

Must I?

Alright, now jog over there
and get on your bicycle.

I hope you will forgive
my eating and running.

Now, go on, go on.

Oh, the things I
have to go through.

Oh Uncle Harry, now just
remember, it's all for your Donna.

- You wanna look your best
for her, don't you?
- Oh, I suppose so.

- Harry, that reminds me.
- Huh?

- Tell me something, how was...
- Ahhh, cookie.

Tell me, how did
you and Donna meet?

Oh, I'll never forget it.

My outfit was billeted
at her father's farm.

Uh-hum.

In the first morning I went out
walking around getting the fresh air

and suddenly I saw
this lovely vision.

There she stood,

her raven hair,
gleaming in the sunlight,

a basket on her arm.

She was picking broccoli.

Broccoli?

The moment I saw her, I knew

that we were meant
for each other.

Why? Did you have some
hollandaise sauce on you,

you wanted to unload?

- Is nothing sacred to you?
- Oh, heavens!

I thought it was a very
romantic story, Uncle Harry.

Thank you, dear.

I'll get it.

Wait a minute, Lucille!

- What?
- It could be.

It might be.

She's on her way!

Oh, I'm so... I've
been waiting for years!

Oh! Ah! Ah! I'll go to the door.

- Good evening.
- Donna!

Belladonna, it's you!

Mwah!

What's the big idea!

Well, who? I thought
you, who are you?

I'm the Avon lady!
I sell cosmetics!

Fine thing when a
lady can't earn a living

without some big fat old sex
maniac making passes at her.

- Well, I would like to tell you...
- Oh, I know what you'd like to!

Wait! Ah!

Say, she, she swings a mean bag.

She is a mean bag.

Oh, oh, oh glad she
wasn't selling door knobs.

Oh, I thought it was...

Better luck next
time, Uncle Harry.

- Well, I don't know.
- Hey!

- Hey, I just thought of something.
- What?

You know, Donna
wouldn't come here.

The only address
she has is your office.

That's true.

So, the only place she
will come to is your office.

That's right! And you
know what that means.

You're gonna stay at
the office day and night?

No, but you're warm.

You're going to
stay at the office!

- Oh, Harry!
- Yes you are!

Oh, I'm tired.

Oh, Mom, don't
turn off all the lights.

It's kind of scary in
offices at night, you know.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, to think of our nice comfortable
beds at home and we have to be here.

- Do you believe this?
- Oh.

Good night, baby.

Good night.

What was that!

What was what?

I thought I heard something.

What was it?

I don't know.

And when you find out, tell me. I
wanna know what I'm scared of.

Well, I guess it was nothing.

Good, let's go to sleep
with that thought, huh.

Good night.

Night.

What was that?

What was that?

Ahhhhhhh!

Don't scare me that way!

Oh, you've got a nerve
being scared! What about us!

What are you doing here?

I'm a burglar on my
appointed rounds.

Now, don't make any
noise and nobody get hurt.

Now look, this is an
employment office,

there's no cash around here.

Why don't you go and rob a bank.

Don't tell me how
to run my business.

Put that down.

Will you stop that lady,
you're making me nervous.

Oh, please don't take
my 2 dollars and 63 cents.

It's all I have in
the whole world.

$2.63 is all you got
in the whole world?

Yes!

What do you think
we're sleeping here for?

Yeah, what do you think
we're sleeping here for?

I was wondering what
you're sleeping here for.

Well, it's the only
place we have to go.

They threw us out of our apartment
because we couldn't pay the rent.

Yeah, we haven't
eaten in 3 days.

Awe, you girls have
got it real tough.

Yes we have.

Well, here.

Here's a 5. Maybe
it'll help a little.

Thank you!

Well, thank you very much!

It's so nice to meet
a generous crook.

My pleasure.

And if anybody asks
you for a charity donation

- you just say that you
already gave at the office.
- Okay.

Nice meeting you.

Thank you.

Nighty-night.

Sleep tight.

Do you believe that?

Boy, is he in the
wrong business.

He'll never make the
Ten Most Wanted List.

- I'll take that, baby.
- He gave it to me.

Hmmmp!

Oh boy, if there's
any more interruptions,

I hope I sleep through 'em.

Me too.

- Good night, baby.
- Um.

Mom!

Oh, what a night!

Alright, move over.

These cots don't have an over.

Come on! Make room
for your poor old mother.

Oh, alright.

Here we go. Okay.
Don't take all the covers!

- Yeah, good night, baby.
- Um, night.

Oh boy, what a miserable
night. I don't think I slept a wink.

Well I did alright once I
found a comfortable spot.

- Yeah, that comfortable spot
was me.
- Oh.

What a stupid idea
this whole thing is.

Why your uncle thinks Donna
would come here at night...

[Singing in Italian]

Oh, here comes
our lovelorn lasagna.

Hello.

Yupin' yimeney!

Yes.

You approve?

Oh, Uncle Harry
it's sensational!

Yeah, if I were your little Italian
sweetheart I'd flip my pizza.

And that hair is out of sight.

Well, what a kick!

Running my fingers over my
head without their sliding off.

Oh, Uncle Harry!

I just noticed, you
lost your tummy!

Yeah, well it's tucked
in there somewhere.

How you women can wear
these things, I'll never know.

Oh yeah, and I don't wanna be
around when you unhook it either.

The shockwaves will knock
us into the next county.

Oh, well I have to go to
class. I'll see you later.

- Alright, darling.
- Bye, dear.

- Harry, you know something?
- What?

In that letter, Donna did not
say when she would be here.

Could be weeks, right?

That's possible, yeah.

And you expect me to
spend my nights here on

a broken down army cot
for maybe weeks, huh?

Uh, that wouldn't be
considerate, would it?

No it wouldn't.

So, I'll get you a sleeping bag.

- Oh, Harry!
- Alright, alright, alright,
enough of these pleasantries.

Get to work.

- To work, to work, to work.
- Oh, honestly, a sleeping bag.

Oh, things you ask me to do.

Yes madam, may I help you?

Pepperoni!

Um, Donna?

Si, it's me Belladonna!

Let me look on you!

Let me look on you too.

You no change.

You my little doggie face.

Yeah, you, you
not change either.

You're still...

Ah, that's my
sister-in-law, Lucille Carter.

How do you do, Donna?

How do you, Lucilley?

We've been looking
forward to your visit.

Harry's told us so
much about you.

I hope he no tell
you everything!

Oh!

Oh, mio caro, mio caro, I
think about you so much.

You think about me too?

Oh, yes, yes.

I think about you every
time I look at broccoli.

Say, if you two wanna
be alone, I'll leave.

No, Lucille!

It wouldn't be right to leave
us here, without a chaperon?

That's no what you say in Italy!

Oh!

Oh, mio caro, Pepperoni!

We've got so many
memories, ah si?

Oh, si, si.

I remember one time when we
would take the long, long walk

in the woods.

I twisted my ankle

and you know what my cute
doggy face here do for me?

What?

He picked me up and he
carried me long, long way home.

Cinque kilometers.

Wow!

Well, my cinque was
stronger in those days.

I was so proud of you!

You was so strong!

Like he told me, he was
all Americano quarterback.

Ah, did he also tell
you he was a toreador?

Toreador?

You mean, he throw the bull?

Si, si.

My Pepperoni you never told me.

Oh well, I don't like
to brag, you know.

Pepperoni, I remember so
many nights when we was alone.

I used to love to run my
fingers through your hair.

He was so beautiful.

I'm a-tell you, he
was something to see.

- He was a-fantastic.
- Yeah.

My pepperoni.

I look for you!

I look for you and
I'm no cannot find.

Well, you found me now.

Pepperoni, you remember
the promise we make?

The, the um, the promise?

Si.

We promise, I wait for you, you
wait for me and then we marry.

You, oh! Oh! That!

Right, right. We did. Didn't we?

Si, I come a long, long way to
talk to you about that promise.

Well, we were much younger then.

Si, si, the young they make so
many promise and no cannot keep.

- Yeah oh, they do.
- After five years I look
and no cannot find you.

I feel all the
promise. I-ay-e-a-ah!

What, what, what are
you trying to tell me?

I break the promise.

I marry.

- You did!
- Si.

And are you still married?

Si. You want to meet my husband?

Oh, I'd be so relieved.

Uh, so delighted.

Oh, delighted. Si.

Alfredo! [Yelling in Italian]

This is my husband, Alfredo.

This is Señor Harry Carter
and his sister-in-law Lucilley.

Hey, Come esta?

How do you do?

[Speaking Italian]

Bambino!

Ricardo!

Oh, oh, ha ha.

Ana Maria!

Luisa!

Luigi!

Vincenzo!

Vino!

Lucrezia!

Alfredo, Jr.! Margarito!

Bruno! Rosa and Frederico!

Total la famiglia!

Boy did she break her promise!