04x08 - Lucy and Her All-Nun Band

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

Nice try!

Alright! How long
have you been here?

Long enough to know
that you're late as usual.

Harry, are you aware that people
who make a fetish of punctuality

can become neurotic?

And are you aware of the fact

that people who make
a fetish out of being late

can become unemployed?

Let's just drop the subject!

That's alright with me.

Oh, by the way my sister
will be dropping in to see me.

You know, it must be fascinating
to have a sister who's a sister.

Well, I'm used to it.

After all she's been
a nun for 25 years.

Yeah.

If I remember rightly,

your father thought
about being a brother

before he married your mother.

- That is correct.
- Ah-huh.

My mother also
contemplated becoming a sister

before she married my father.

Oh.

You know, if your father
hadn't married your mother

think of all the brothers and sisters
you would've had in your family.

If my father had become a brother
and my mother had become a sister,

I wouldn't be standing
here right now!

Will you kindly get to work?

Go! Go! Go!

I wonder how much
Sister Paula wants this time.

Oh, I love her dearly,

I love her dearly but every time
she comes through that door,

she's always asking
for money for something.

Well, I don't know what
you're complaining about,

all she ever wants is for you to
buy a couple of books and tickets.

Honestly Harry, why
are you so cheap?

I am not cheap!

Oh, yes you are.

No, I'm stingy... Thrifty!

You are right the first time.

Never mind, Lucille. Never mind.

- Oh, hello Sister Paula.
- Hello, Lucille.

- Oh, sister dear.
- Good morning, Harrison.

- So good to see you.
- How are you?

Oh, I'm just fine.

Let me take a look at you.

Well, it's obvious you
haven't been fasting.

How are you, Lucille?

- I'm fine thank you, sister.
- Good.

- Please sit down, sister.
- Thank you.

There we are.

Now then tell me, what
is this important matter

you mentioned on the telephone?

Well, I'm on the committee for
a benefit to buy new equipment

for the children's ward
at St. John's Hospital.

Uh-hah, well I'll take a book
of tickets and so will Lucille.

Oh well, thank you,
Harrison that's wonderful

- but that's really not why I'm here.
- Oh.

No, we want your agency
to help us hire a band.

Now, Sister Paula
you don't understand.

You see that's impossible.

This is an employment agency.

- We don't book bands.
- Oh.

Oh, yes we do.

Since when?

Since now, if Sister Paula
wants a band we'll get her a band.

Oh, Lucille! We'll
really appreciate it!

Oh, Harrison I knew
I could count on you.

Now, now naturally. I'm
happy to be of assistance.

And don't worry, we have plenty
of money to pay for the band.

Oh good, good, how much?

Well we can go as
high as 25 dollars.

Money is no option.

It certainly isn't.

Oh, I can't tell you
how relieved I am.

I do appreciate it.
Thank you so much!

- I knew Harrison if I came to you,
you... Well, sister now come back soon.

Oh, but Harrison,

it would be nice if you didn't
have to use the whole 25 dollars.

Well, don't worry Sister
Paula; we'll book a band for you.

Ha! Ha!

Alright now,

Sister Paula is counting on you.

So my big boastful band booker,

start booking!

Okay, now Mrs. Carter
what can I do for you?

Well, Mr. Adams I need a band.

Well, I've been
booking bands for years.

I go clear back to Larry Funk and
his Band of a Thousand Melodies.

Yes, I know.

Have you come
to the right place!

Well good, now I have


Have you come
to the wrong place!

Oh but, you've just got
to help me, Mr. Adams.

Sister is counting on me.

It's for a benefit at
St. John's Hospital.

- A benefit?
- Yes.

Well, I've always been
a sucker for charity;

I'll see what's in my file.

Oh good, thank you.

- Mrs. Carter.
- Yeah.

How about a guy that
plays a bicycle pump?

Uh, no I don't think so.

I didn't either but
the price is right.

- Hey, I got it a real novelty act!
- What?

A singing dog!

Oh, now that's kind of stale.

I've seen lots of singing
dogs on television.

One who hums Kitten On The Keys?

Well, it still doesn't
sound right for the benefit.

The nuns should love this dog.

He's a St. Bernard.

Oh, no thank you, thank you.

- Hey!
- What?

How about a man
who tells jokes, can MC,

and also sings and dances?

Is he any good?

Is he any good.

[Sings] Won't you come home
Bill Bailey won't you, come home,

she want a whole night long,

I'll do that cooking
honey, pay back that rent,

I know I've done you wrong.

Folks!

I gotta tell you about my
wife she's on a very strict diet,

eats nothing but
banana's and coconuts.

She hasn't lost any weight but
you ought to see her climb a tree.

[Sings] I remember that
rain and I tossed you out,

nothing but a fine toothed comb,

no I'm to blame,
honey to the shame,

Bill Bailey won't you
please come home.

Hey!

Well, what do you think?

I think we ought to hire that
man with the bicycle pump.

Well, frankly Mrs. Carter, I can't
think of a thing in your price range.

Well, I'm sorry.

Thanks for your trouble anyways.

- No trouble at all.
- Bye.

Nuns!

What's the matter with me
why didn't I think of that before?

Think of what?

I saw a band made
of nuns last year.

They were called
uh, The Remnants!

The Remnants, what
kind of a name is that?

They used to be a bigger
group but this is what's left.

Oh, well they sound perfect!

They'll probably
play for nothing!

They are perfect!

- Now there's one other thing.
- What's that?

You'll have to pay the
nuns expenses from Kansas.

Pay their expenses?

Yeah, you think
you can handle that?

Well, I don't know.
It'll take a miracle.

A miracle!

With nuns on my side
what am I worrying about!

- Good-bye!
- Bye!

Hi, mom!

Oh, hi baby!

Hey, how about taking
me to lunch today?

Sorry, I can't afford it.

Oh, but I'm on diet all I want
is cottage cheese and fruit.

Oh, that's not it; it's
the boutique next door.

By the time we drop
in there after lunch

the cottage cheese and fruit
would've cost me about 20 dollars.

Well, for heaven sakes can't
a girl even drop by the office

to have lunch with her mother

without her thinking she
wants something else?

And how did you know I
wanted a new pair of jeans?

I'm your mother.

Oh.

Hey did you get the
band for the benefit?

Yes, but I have a problem.

I found a group of nuns who
have a band and they'll play for free.

So what's the problem?

Well, somebody has to pay
their plane fare from Kansas.

Oh, wow!

That's gonna take a lot of bread.
Where are you gonna get it?

Well, I was thinking of
working on your Uncle Harry.

Uh, Uncle Harry!

Well, he certainly
can afford to pay.

After all, it's his very
own sister's benefit.

- Oh, mother.
- He's just got to help!

Well...

- Look! Honey, do something will you?
- What?

Will you pretend to be Harry
and let me practice my sales pitch?

Oh, mother!

I might even consider
buying you that pair of jeans.

Oh well, if it will get
me a new pair of jeans

I may even put on 50
pounds and grow a mustache.

That won't be necessary.

Just sit over here at
the desk, act like Harry

and I'll pretend that I'm just
coming to work in the morning.

- Okay?
- Alright.

Well, let's see now.

Uh, you ready?

Good morning, Harry!

Well, late again I see!

Oh, you don't have to
act that much like him.

Oh well, I'm sorry.

Oh, c'mon now,
let's try it again.

Oh, alright, alright.

Good morning, Harry!

Good morning, Lucille.

Uh, I'd like to
talk to you, Harry.

Yes, Lucille.

You see, I have
this band all lined up

and they're nuns
and they'll play for free

but they need a round trip
ticket from Kansas to Los Angeles

and I was wondering
Harry, if you'd pay for them?

Are you out of your mind!

Harry!

Yes, Harry!

Now before you say
no just think a minute.

It is for charity and it
is for your Sister Paula

and she's your very
own sister who's a sister.

Alright, now don't
start that again!

I am not going to put
out that much money!

Harry! I've just about
had it up to here with you!

Would you like to know
where I've had it up to with you?

No!

I just cannot
believe you, Harry!

I can't believe
how tight you are!

Do you realize you never
give anything to charity?

When they ask you at home
you say you gave at the office,

if they ask you at the office
you say you gave at home.

Oh, now don't be ridiculous.

If you don't pay their expenses

I'm gonna tell the whole
world how cheap you are.

I am not going to
pay their expenses.

Harrison Carter's a cheapskate.

Harrison Carter won't
give money to anybody!

Lucy! Stop, will you.

Will you stop that, Lucille!

Lucille, everybody in
the building will hear you!

- Well?
- Well, well, well,

maybe you have a slight point,

maybe I have been
a bit of a pinch penny.

Miser is the word I had in mind!

Alright Lucille, alright,

I'll pay the sisters'
way from Kansas.

Alright, I'll call the
airlines right now.

Oh, ju, ju, ju, just
a minute, Lucille.

You know, the sisters would see
a great deal more of the country

if they came by bus.

Harry!

Alright, alright, airline, airline,
but make it economy class.

Would you like to have
them strapped to the wing?

Alright, alright, first class.

Oh my, isn't it a shame
they're not flying nuns.

Oh swell, I have exactly one
dollar and sixty seven cents

to last me until Friday.

I don't suppose you'd like to move
payday from Friday to Tuesday?

Not a chance.

They can shove George Washington's
birthday anyplace they want to,

but my payday stays Friday.

- Oh, Harrison!
- Oh, hello sister!

- Sister, why this is a surprise!
- What's the matter?

- I'm afraid I have bad news.
- What it is?

Well, I wrote to the sisters and
the band as you told me to do

and I invited them
to stay with us but-

But they want to stay at a hotel
and I have to pick up the tab.

- No Harrison, that's not it.
- Oh.

They just wrote me that the
saxophone player has the flu

and all their arrangements
feature the saxophone player.

So, they won’t be able to play.

Oh no!

Oh, what are we going to do?

Well, I know the first thing I'm going
to do is cancel those airline tickets.

Harry!

There are more important
things in this world than money!

Name one.

Oh, don't mind him, Lucille.

He's been that way ever
since we were children.

He used to save his allowance,

when I had spent mine
he'd loan me his at 4%.

Well, it was cheaper
than the bank.

Once when I was
slow in my payments

he foreclosed on
my Raggedy Ann doll.

Now, now, now Sister Paula
enough of this pleasant reminiscing;

now, where are we going to find
a nun who plays the saxophone?

Oh dear, a nun who
plays the saxophone.

- I know someone!
- Who?

Me!

You?

Well, I used to play and I can
wear a nun's habit if he doesn't mind.

He'll love it!

Not after he hears it he won't.

Oh Harrison, I think
it's a great idea.

You haven't heard her play.

Well, look at it this way,
Harry I'm all we've got.

I think it's a
wonderful Lucille,

and if you need some practice

Mrs. Freddy Martin is a
volunteer at the hospital.

I'm sure she can talk her husband
to give you some brush-up lessons.

Lessons from Freddy Martin?
Oh, that would be wonderful!

Alright, you please
call Mrs. Martin

- and let me know when
the lessons will be.
- Alright.

And I'll be there with my sax.

- Come in, Mr. Martin.
- Hi.

Oh, thank you so much.

I can't tell you how much
I thank you for coming.

I'm Lucy Carter.

Nice to meet you, Lucy.

Come right over here I
have a little place set up and

it'll make it a little
easier for our lesson.

- You can put your case right there.
- Oh, thank you. This will be fine.

Oh! I just can't tell you
how much I appreciate

you’re coming over
here to give me a lesson.

Well, Lucy I'm very happy to do
it, anything for St. John's hospital.

Ah yes! That's the way I feel.

You know, Mr. Martin

I have spent many
a wonderful evening

dancing to your orchestra
at the Coconut Grove.

Yeah I was there so many years
I started to look like a coconut.

Oh, that's funny!

Oh, Mr. Martin, you understand
now, I haven't played for years

I, I maybe a little rusty.

- Shall we get started?
- Yes, sir!

Alright let's get
a good 'A' first.

- An 'A'?
- A.

Sound you're 'A'.

That was a good 'A'.

When did you
say this benefit is?

Tomorrow.

We only have until tomorrow?

Oh, but we have
clear up until 7 o' clock.

Well, let's try it again,
another 'A 'please.

Okay.

I think you're closing in on it.

Well, I know it's in
there someplace.

'A'.

'A' doesn't seem
to be your note.

Let's try a 'C'.

- That was 'C' huh?
- That's a 'C'.

Was that a 'C'?

Sure, what'd you think it was?

It sounded like a
wounded saxophone.

Oh well, I'm sorry.

Well, suppose we
try a new approach.

- Let's run through some scales and
maybe it'll all come back to you.
- Alright.

Something like this.

Okay?

Yeah, that was okay.

Now you try it.

Oh, oh, you want me to try it.

Uh the, the scales?

Scales up and down.

Well?

Seven o' clock tomorrow, eh?

Well, after all Mr. Martin,
I haven't played for years

but I used to be pretty good.

I was first saxophone in the
Jamestown High School Band.

Well, Lucy let's try it again

and this time take the
scales into the upper register.

Take 'em where?

Into the upper register,
use your octave key here.

Oh, my octave I'd forgotten
about my little octave key.

Hello!

Alright now you want 'em,
you want up in the upper,

- Upper register.
- Upper register.

Oh boy! I almost blacked out.

Didn't they teach you about
breathing in Jamestown?

No, I already knew how to
breathe before I went to Jamestown.

Seven o' clock tomorrow, eh?

You want me to do
the scales again?

Oh no, no, no.

Let's work on your tone.

- My tone?
- Yeah.

Let me show you what I mean.

It should sound
something like this.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Well, thanks for showing me.

Well, I think I got it now.

Mr. Martin?

Mr. Martin?

Freddy!

Whoa, Fred!

I'm so sorry; it's been so long
since the days of the big bands

I sort of got carried away.

Yeah well, I love
hearing you play Fred

but we really don't
have much time.

What do you mean we've got
clear up until 7 o' clock tomorrow.

And now, now
ladies and gentlemen

the moment we've
all been waiting for,

here they are from the
glorious state of Kansas,

The Remnants!

♪♪

[Sing] Oh when the
saints go marching in

Oh when the saints
go marching in

Oh Lord I want to
be in that number

Oh when the saints
go marching in

Oh when the saints
go marching in

Oh Lord I want to
be in that number

Oh when the saints
go marching in

♪♪